Thursday, July 10, 2008

Future Jelly Fucker

Teach me how to please you! 45 yr. old male seeks female

I treat people right. I am nice, fun and I have a great sense of humor. It has been a while since I have done it. I take it slow when making love. Please be patient and do not criticize. I can be a fast learner.

If you're wondering why this guy smells like a combination of old milk and last week's zucchini soup, it's because the last 3 women to date him used him to mop up the floor.

I wonder how he likes sleeping upside down in a bucket of Glass Plus.

The unfortunate truth is the closer men get to their sensitive, needy side, the further away their penis gets from a woman's fallopian and vaginal side.

For example, when a woman comes home and screams "Fuck me now, you useless prick", the proper dominant male response is to immediately throw her on a bench and fuck her so hard she sprains her anus.

This guy, on the other hand, would laugh nervously through his nose, wash his hands, jingle some loose dimes in his pocket, and start intricately folding his "Tuesday" Hanes briefs into Gap-like squares for proper storage. "Everything has it's proper place," he'd whimper, followed by a round of meek slap-petting of your shoulders like he was trying to wipe onions off a sandwich.

It's too late for you my friend, no woman is going to teach you how to fuck at 45. You'll have better luck learning how to drive a backhoe. But alas you have just entered a welcome demographic for this company:


When you fuck jelly, it won't criticize.


Anonymous said...

Uh...well, maybe this guy is really THAT much of a drip, it's hard to tell from this ad.

But it just isn't true that all women find dominant men irresistible, or that more timid guys will have to resort to creepy sex toys.

Personally, I'd take this guy over a macho asshole any day. For one thing, I value my personal safety, and thus choose not to associate with people who might cross the line from dominant to abusive. Thinking you're a big tough guy isn't exactly a turn-on, at least for me.

Anonymous said...

I do honestly love you. Dorky, funny guys make my cooter quiver. Like the person above said, not all women find dominant men irresistible.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>But it just isn't true that all women find dominant men irresistible<<

Well, I do. So you two anonymous posters can send all the hot, dominant guys you don't want my way. I will make good use of them.

Anonymous said...

sho nuff, Fugs. I, too, find dominant men a joke. It's always been the easy going witty ones that throw me against the chain link fence and do me up proper like. Where as the macho ones I come home to find wearing my favorite panties, ass hugging a carrot.

furnacelady said...

I can’t believe that no one has made comments on the real doll link. OMFG, you got to check that out! LOL!

lamexicanita86 said...

Furnacelady is right. I can't believe that any male would pay $7000 for a plastic sex toy. On second thought, maybe I can believe it. You can even choose the style and color of pubic hair on those things!

The way I figure it, a guy would have to hire a $30 hooker more than 230 times just to recover the cost of the doll. Assuming he gets the hooker once a week, it will take four and a half years to get the cost back. If he would just take some personality classes, he could get a real woman in that much time or less.

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