Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Ragtime

Please help me

I have a fetish. I would really like to go down on a woman during her period. What I want is you to start your period and don't put a tampon in. Just email me and I will meet you anywhere you desire and go down on you for as long as you want. Please, Im serious about this someone has to want to do this. Please email Mark at XXXXXX@XXXXX.com, surprise me in the week I'm here, wife is out of town!

We here at WWHM have never heard of this phenomenon before.

Oh, wait a minute, we're WWHM. Of course we have.

Now if all you ladies would stop your collective gagging for a moment, we can get back to this personal ad.

While most women believe Mark should immediately be thrown into a boiling cauldron of angry asps, or perhaps skinned alive with salted envelope lips, maybe we ought to analyze what's really going on here.

Menstruation is a natural process. But women tend to treat it like they'd been stabbed at random by a homeless man in the train station. They're emotionally confused and distraught, they're bleeding, they're angry, they're defensive, and they sure as shit don't want to do the fucking dishes you fucking goddamn cocksucker, but you can't even do them right anyhow you fucking shit-for-brains asshole, it's not like you ever buy me anything anyway. Oh, sorry... I was menstruating. I got a little hysterical.

Anyway, just as if they had been stabbed by a homeless psychotic, women need at least a week to heal physically and psychologically from their periods. They may experience extreme mood swings during this week, hence the "Jekyll and Hyde" nature of menstruation. If you bother them at all for any reason, such as breathing rudely, they may react by sternly chewing the head off your dog and shoving it into the glove compartment of your Nissan. But at least they will fold the chewed-off head into neat, tidy little squares.

But what about sex? Therein lies the problem for men. Is it really wrong to have sexual contact during menstruation?

50% of women proclaim they are hornier while on their period, and the other 50% don't want sex at all. In a nutshell, men are essentially playing Russian roulette with their penis. When they ask for sex, they don't really know whether to expect a punch in the face, a weak handshake, or the sexual experience of a lifetime possibly involving a saddle, a swingset, fourteen giraffes and a box of vitamin-fortified cinnamon rolls.

And Mark's a gambler. Mark sees menstruation only as the natural process that it is, which is your body simply shedding unused eggs. And he doesn't really see the process as disgusting in nature. And maybe he likes eggs.

But does that make him disgusting?

Well, yes it does. Very.

29 comments:

The Hatter said...

:laughs:

You have us pegged (wrong choice of word? :lol:) perfectly. That is how we react. I can tell you that my boyfriend does the best he can to ensure that I'm in a somewhat stable mood before trying to broach any subject.

Jewil said...

*vomit*

nosey said...

I almost punched my now husband in the face for not wanting as much mayo on his BLT as I had.


Red wings....Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Nosnikta said...

*** and they sure as shit don't want to do the fucking dishes you fucking goddamn cocksucker, but you can't even do them right anyhow you fucking shit-for-brains asshole ***

HEY! I thought I knew you from somewhere! You've been lurking outside my house listening!

It sounds like this dude is looking to earn his red-wings.

CutNJump said...

Now if all you ladies would stop your collective gagging for a moment, we can get back to this personal ad.

Is that really possible, you think?

K Darling said...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CutNJump said...

>>When they ask for sex, they don't really know whether to expect a punch in the face, a weak handshake, or the sexual experience of a lifetime possibly involving a saddle, a swingset, fourteen giraffes and a box of vitamin-fortified cinnamon rolls.<<


Smart men do NOT ask, they let the women initiate sex during this time. They know better than to ask for anything. And it's not during the period it's the period BEFORE her period you should be fearful of...


Weasel, just how did you know about the saddle, swingset, giraffs and pastries?

CaliGirl9 said...

Weasel, I have no doubt you grew up in a house with sisters, or failing that, a mother who had the worst premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) yet seen in medicine.
I could not have written a better description myself.
And it's happening to me TODAY.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Yanno, I don't think I'd bother with sticking a guy's head in the glove compartment if he asked for some hanky-panky while Auntie Hell is visiting.

The 12 gauge involves less moving around and gets the job done faster.

Anonymous said...

Well I've heard of that request before...but I still am shocked and somewhat puzzled by it...

When I had my period, I didn't want anyone near me, let alone licking the clot infested remains of my uterine wall...I cannot even begin to analyze why someone would want to do that...

But hey, no judgement, I am sure he will find someone to fit his tastes (no pun intended) but I doubt they will come running out of the streets to do so..

You know, I'm glad I read this...I had a hysterectomy last year and sometimes I feel bad about it, only being in my 30's....

But I sure as hell do not miss the Estrogen Rollercoaster Hell, or the cramps, or the 5 days of bleeding...

I am much saner now...and I can have sex whenever!

Woot woot!

CutNJump said...

Half Assed Blog- I am assuming by 12 gauge, you weren't talking about needles...

Although using syringes as darts might be an option when Aunt Flo streams into town for the week.

Nosnikta said...

*** let alone licking the clot infested remains of my uterine wall ***


AGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!! GROSS!!!!

Mack Truck said...

Y'know, I'm one of those women who REALLY want sex during that time of the month. Always have.

Or maybe I should say always DID, since I'm starting that ever so lovely OTHER living hell euphemistically known as menopause.

However, if my SO even OFFERED to go down on me during my cycle, I'd have had to reevaluate our relationship.

Sorry, that's skanky, nasty, and downright disturbing.

Does this guy think he's some kind of sexual Dracula? Why would ANYONE want to lick bloody, clotted uterine tissue from between someone's legs? BRACK!!!

Ashers said...

hehehehe ! That sound just like me right now !!!

Oh...and.....YUK !!!!

Found WWHM the other day and LOVE it !! Might have to start trawling the Brit personals just for you !!

Biskuits said...

I'm surprised that someone has yet to comment on the "wife" issue. That's what distressed me most about the entire add! This shithead (pronounced shi-theed) can't get what he wants from his wife (which I don't blame her for denying, if he's even asked her to begin with; I mean, I have my own weird hang-ups, so I can't exactly fault him for his, though his makes me gag a little), so he's throwing himself and his messy fetish up on the web while his wife is away. The fact that he's willing to cheat on his wife to fulfill his nasty fantasy is way worse than his apparent jones for a good ol' fashioned blood-clot smoothie, in my opinion.

anniebanannie said...

Weasel,

You are wrong. Women don't have hormonal or emotional issues when they are near or experiencing menstruation. It's that everyone around them turns into fucking stupid morons once a month.

[sniff]Just thought you'd like to know.

wheelin126 said...

WTF!!!!! EEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! as I'm running to the bathroom to now spend some quality time to the porcelain god puking!

Afterwards I wonder if a thank-you kiss would be out of the question?? GAG!! His poor wife that alone should be grounds for a divorce. I logged on here to get a few laughs and instead am feeling queasy and nauseous thanks anonymous and mac truck for more graphic version of gross!! Must have found this guy off of a Jerry Springer special.

horsegal said...

anniebanannie said...
"Weasel,

You are wrong. Women don't have hormonal or emotional issues when they are near or experiencing menstruation. It's that everyone around them turns into fucking stupid morons once a month.

[sniff]Just thought you'd like to know."

AMEN Sista!

And now I've got to go have a whole body shudder at this ad.

The Half-Assed Blog said...

CNJ: I was talking about the 12 gauge that goes BANG!
The handy kind to have around.

CutNJump said...

HAlf Assed-
I kinda figured that, but using his ass as a dart board with the 12 gauge needles might be helpful to relieve some stress too.


As far as this guys wife- I think she's out of town, scoping out some new digs, a new job and finding a less repulsive other half, so she can just dump this asshole and walk into a new life. The only thing of his I would tke with me is his money. As much of it as the lawyers could get for me.

4thehorses said...

Okay my man (who is 38 years old) told me he wasn't into weinies and ketchup. Really? Get over it. I mean, I am on the pill, bleed about half a tampons' worth, and now I don't even tell him I have my period. He doesn't notice any ketchup. Grow up.

Kokorami said...

Actually, I don't turn into a raving maniacal Jekyll/Hyde, esp. since discovering the magic that is the Pill. Since I no longer have cramps that make me feel like someone squeezed everything south of my navel into one of those old wringer-washers, and no longer face laundry issues that make me look like I slaughtered a water buffalo in my jeans, things have actually been pretty cool (until you get me started on God-squadding assclowns--thanks for the term--who refuse to fill prescriptions for said Pill...but I digress).
Okay, I _will_ admit that the lack of change in my case comes from my being born with red hair and a short fuse, stubborn, strong for my size, and only deterred from thinning out the population of this world by the threat of wearing prison orange. For me, PMS stands for PERPETUALLY moody syndrome.

Of course, it should go w/o saying that changeable or no, this brain-donor has just made a stunning debut high up on the List of People Ripe for Annihilation for reasons too numerous to mention.

CutNJump said...

kokorami-
Okay, I _will_ admit that the lack of change in my case comes from my being born with red hair and a short fuse, stubborn, strong for my size, and only deterred from thinning out the population of this world by the threat of wearing prison orange.


Geezus, you just described ME! Usually two Excedrines keeps everyone safe, me from wearing orange and living in tent city.

Nicole said...

OMG its like he is the Vagina Vampire or something!! I wonder if you eat a lot of garlic before he "sucks your blood" (ewww shudder), will he be vaquished for good?!

Anonymous said...

just gonna say I agree with most of what is said but not all women even have mood swings, let alone full out psychotic episodes

xenobiologista said...

I'm in the first 50% ^_^

Anonymous said...

I'm in the first half, and would actually enjoy trying it out. It would be like a warm omelette for him hahaha

Anonymous said...

I don't know. I honestly don't really get irritable on my period. I feel kind of bloated and a little bit shitty but my behavior doesn't really change and my boyfriend always tries to initiate sex with me during that time and I usually decline, but he doesn't ever have to be nervous about asking me.

And I would never want or ask a guy to do that, but I did have two different guys go down on me like that and I have to admit that it kind of turned me on that they weren't disgusted and were actually willing to do that.

I would never eat a girl out on her period, but I mean..if my man wants to go ahead haha

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