Thursday, August 28, 2008

Taking You To The Cleaners


I am 20 years old, white male, 5′10″, 190lbs, 13% body fat. I want to clean your home for you. I charge only $40/hour and will wash your clothes, clean your home, clean your car, fix your computer, make your bed, run errands for you, yard work, house sit, pet sit, etc. I am willing to do it fully clothed, wearing only some clothes, wearing clothes you pick for me, or wearing nothing at all. Dale.

I used to offer my services as a naked housecleaner.

Unfortunately, the only payment I could ever arrange was a small meal from whatever I found underneath the couch cushions. And I tell you what, a man can truly find his core when the best meal he eats all week is fourteen calico cat hairs draped across a Cheez-It. It was like licking on a raccoon's unmoistened udder in an elementary school sandbox.

Eventually the buildup of Windex on my balls became so deep my girlfriend stopped giving me blowjobs, simply because she didn't like watching her reflection on my scrotum. I promptly quit, and found new employment in organic cow insemination.

Dale here has picked my slack, but he charges $40 an hour. That's an awful lot of money to charge a woman for laughter.

Women have a difficult enough time as it is welcoming a plumber into their homes whose ass crack is so deep it has mining carts coming out of it. How do you think they feel about paying you $40 an hour to watch you get on all fours naked and extract a chewed piece of pineapple Trident from the carpeting? No sale, Dale.

I'd rather buy your 13% body fat estimate. That's like a baleen whale coming up to me with a straight face and trying to convince me he's an eel.

Plus, you're 20 and male. What the fuck do you know about cleaning? Single guys in their late 20's clean a plate when it has mold on it. Single guys in their mid 20's clean a plate when it has moss on it. Guys in their early 20's don't even clean the plate when it has prehistoric lichen on it. I surmise if I entered your apartment bathroom right now, I'd find your toilet nursing its young.

If you hire him, don't be surprised if he asks to see your "buh-gina."

24 comments:

Lynda said...

Im waiting to hear if my son is coming home. I havent seen him in a year, he's in the army.... I really need to get my house cleaned if he does... he's bringing his wife with him, whom I have never met.... long story... I have told him I'l go to the next wedding.... oh my bad! Of course my barn is clean.... but I dont think they would be interested in that... wonder if I can get this guy to come clean my house for me. But Im pretty cheap so 40 bucks an hour is steep.... I'l just chuck everything in closets, and do my yearling dusting.... But thanks Weasel for letting me know I can shop craigslist to find someone to clean for me! LOL

Weasel said...

I'll clean for you for a Pop-Tart.

Nicole said...

A guy in his 20's that cleans your house huh? Bullshit.
Let me tell you about what his house probably looks like. Chances are that he likes beer, and because of this there are assorted cans and bottles of various cheap beer scattered about the apartment he rents with his five other guy friends. Those shorts in his picture are probably the same shorts he has been wearing for a few days now, since dark clothes hide the dirt and scum better. There are dishes overflowing from his sink from the first few weeks he moved into the place. His garbage is overflowing with paper plates from when he gave up on real dishes and decided paper was easier to deal with. However, he has failed to move the garbage bags filled with paper plates further than the porch, and since the garbage men don't come door-to-door, that is where those garbage bags lay until he moves out. He also has given up on cooking, except for that one time that involved a gallons worth of spagetti sauce and burning something drippy in the oven, now he resorts to ordering pizza every night (those boxes are scattered around the apartment and the porch). Laundry is something he does when the stench of B.O. and mildew kills his 20 cent goldfish from Walmart. Let's not talk about the bathroom, I am still reeling from "Blue Satin" to aggravate my poor gag reflex anymore.
How do I know all this? I delivered pizzas through college, and I saw every 20-somethings apartment in town. I also delivered to a 40 something guy wearing a metallic gold speedo, carrying a small plastic christmas tree and a bottle of booze in the middle of July. He offered his booze and his "company" as a tip. I don't think I have run so fast back to my car. Ever.

4thehorses said...

What about the 13% body fat statement. Yeah, right!

Lynda said...

I do have to do a litle defending.. My 19 year old son has his own apartment and he's a neat freak. Ok maybe not totally neat freak but he does keep his apartment clean. He's also an army reservist so that may have had something to do with it.

Weasel you can come clean my house any day! LOL I'l buy you a case of Pop-tarts!

Nosnikta said...

*** It was like licking on a raccoon's unmoistened udder in an elementary school sandbox. ***

GAWD!!!!!!!

Weasel said...

4thehorses- I had a 13% joke in there. But I took it out. But I just put it back in.

Now called the "Official 4thehorses joke."

Nosnikta said...

LOL @ buh-gina

ChevyGirl said...

my mother may or may not agree to what I have to say [she surfs this blog, you have her hooked on it ;)] but my brother is the worst neat freak in the world and has no military training whatsoever. He is just a little OCD. At least he no longer freaks out as bad as he used to though. Also I would love to have this guy come over and clean my house. Hmmmm lets see, ok he would have to wear nothing but a porkchop loin cloth around all 17 of my very hungry cats [not starving, just think people food is best they do!], oh oh oh and butter on his ass so I can laugh when my dogs nueter him the hard way :) $40 sounds reasonable enough, specially if I can get my sick satisfaction from it :)

Lynda said...

Well Im off the hook...kid just called... He's stuck at Fort Sill for a couple of months. He just graduated from Radar Repair school. He has to go through the med board process since the Army screwed up his knee and cant seem to figure out how to fix it! They were talking about booting him and give him disability but he wants to stay in.... I want him to stay in! jezzuss he would end up at my house with his bride! I dont play well with other women in my house! Instabitch comes right out!

So Weasel when you comin over? October is a good month to come to NH to see the foliage!

CutNJump said...

Weasel I will up the ante here.

A case of Pop Tarts, a case of Ramen- flavor of choice or the assortment, All the Chef Boyardee you can stomach and the last can of refried beans Johnie Rotten won't seem to eat. And all the Guiness in the fridge to wash it down with as well as two bottles of sparkling cider.

I can't stand refried beans. My theory on that is- if you fucked them up the first time, what makes you think refrying them will make them any better?

In return you can clean what's left of the house since we are painting and recarpeting. There is nothing on the floors with the exception of the cheap, crappy linoleum in the kitchen and 2 bathrooms, which is still going to be ripped out...


Oh and I too have known a few 20 something guys who kept a cleaner 'home' than I do, no military training involved.


Nicole- I deliverd missed papers or 'kicks' as we called them.

I see your 40 something in a gold speedo toting a plastic tree and booze and raise you-

(There were several, but this one is the best!)

One tall, thin, good looking, black man, apparently light in his loafers, wearing a frilly pink nighty and bathrobe with the feather boa trim and matching trailer trashesque slippers and lipstick. Yes he answered the door that way, with Mr. Happy peeking from the robe!

I dare anyone to try to keep a straight face long enough to get a signature for that delivery.

Lynda said...

Lord are we bidding on Weasel's services?

Ok,
1 case of Pop-tarts
3 frozen pizza's
2 cases of Ramen (you pick the flavors)
1 pound of refried beans... I agree about them... I think they are gross..

A dozen of the best ears of corn from the dairy farm... (seriously... best corn on the cob I've ever had)
A wheel barrow load of the finest horse manure in NH.
Oh and I'l throw in a pair of testicles to boot... I'l have to get them back from the vet though. I think she made them into earrings.... Told my poor mini that his testicles where the size that she usually gets out of a cat... poor guy...

I would throw the mini in but I just love that snot to death. I do own the worlds cutest Grulla Tobino mini gelding.

wheelin126 said...

Hell I'll go to Cosco and buy you a case of pop-tarts, case of top ramen every flavor,5 frozen pizzas, no re-fried beans and all the Kool-aid you can drink to wash the above down!! As for the clothing thing that is your option I just want someone else to clean my house so I don't have to :)

Weasel said...

I haven't lined up this many jobs since I worked in that men's spa.

My jaw still locks open every time I see a gym towel.

Nicole said...

You up the ante cutnjump! Cross dressers are fun to deliver to, and are good tippers (usually). I have another story that is pretty good. Its pitch black outside and I get up on this person's porch only to discover its overflowing with trashbags. Of course there are no lights on outside of the house, so here I am crawling over garbage bags with this person's pizza in the dark praying that there are no rusty pieces of metal or syringes with Hepatitus sticking out of the bag. I finally get to the front door to find that it covered with flattened Keystone Light boxes. I can hear what sounds to be a happening drunken get together inside. When the door opens it is a 60-something woman (complete with mullet, shorty-shorts, and see through t-shirt). Behind this woman is a game of Beer Pong (Beirut for some) going on...wait for it...with her 10 and 7 year old grandkids. There is no one else in the house, so unless she was playing beer pong with herself, or with beer-colored mountain dew, there were some definite hi-jinks going on. I'm sure those kids are gonna grow up to be cherished members of society, and they will always remember grandma as the "cool" one...yeah. I got 14 cents from that delivery.

I also have a very entertaining story about interrupting a male bonding experience called a "circle jerk." When I got to the door there were a bunch of 20-something guys crowded around a TV. As one guy was signing for the pizzas, I heard the unmistakable "bow chicka wow wow" music (blasting) through the speakers. I couldn't resist, so I asked, "What are you guys watching? That sounds suspiciously like a porno..." No sooner had I said that and the woman on the tv starts screaming like a chipmunk in heat. None the less, the guy turned beet red and mumbled a few words before retreating back to his friends.

PS. My understanding of a "circle jerk" is a circle of guys watching porn and jerking off until everybody reaches the finish line. However, I am completely unaware of WHY any man would want to do that with his friends...Any explanations Weasel?!

Weasel said...

I first heard about the circle jerk in college.

The fraternities back then hazed the shit out of us, and they always threatened us with making us do a "circle jerk".

That's exactly what it is, EXCEPT for the disgusting finale.

All the guys stand in a circle and have to jerk off in front of each other. When they cum, they have to cum on a piece of bread. The last guy to cum has to EAT the bread.

No, we never had to do it. And I wouldnt have done it anyway.

You should write a fucking pizza blo by the way. You could write an entire book about pizza delivery stories.

I used to work in room service at a 5 star hotel in Seattle. Man, I walked into some kind of shit nearly every day.

CutNJump said...

Weasel, you MUST share!

Nicole- we didn't get tipped often as they were paying for the paper subscription and either they were missed or someone stole it, for the coupons usually.


I had women come to the door, dripping wet wearing no more than a scant towel, see me and say "Oh, good. It's a girl." I don't want to know- good or bad.

One guy hiding behind the door, hand on cordless phone hand on the door, who says "Hold on", nearly closes door, then pops his head back out from behind the boor to say, "Could you just drop/toss it inside? I'm naked. Do I need to sign anything?"

The guy in the pink nighty, robe and slippers...

The guy in the apartments standing on his balcony every morning, in his boxers and wife beater, smoking his fat stogie...

The crazy cat lady with the driveway and carport stacked a mile high with papers, boxes, cats and feces who answers the door barefoot, barley covered revealing her long hair, thick brown finger and toenails, a house full of more cats, an eminating odor from within worse than the carport and claims her house was recently robbed... (!?!?!? WTF?)


Oh boy, those were the days!

Lynda said...

"The crazy cat lady with the driveway and carport stacked a mile high with papers, boxes, cats and feces who answers the door barefoot, barley covered revealing her long hair, thick brown finger and toenails, a house full of more cats, an eminating odor from within worse than the carport and claims her house was recently robbed... (!?!?!? WTF?)"

This will probably be me in several years... Ive always said I'd be the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons when I get old... I think I'd rather have cats than horses... in that quantity. Ive got more than enough with 3 horses and one mini now. But a girl can never have too many cats! LOL Oh and I have 5.

ChevyGirl said...

Nicole said:

I also have a very entertaining story about interrupting a male bonding experience called a "circle jerk." When I got to the door there were a bunch of 20-something guys crowded around a TV. As one guy was signing for the pizzas, I heard the unmistakable "bow chicka wow wow" music (blasting) through the speakers. I couldn't resist, so I asked, "What are you guys watching? That sounds suspiciously like a porno..." No sooner had I said that and the woman on the tv starts screaming like a chipmunk in heat. None the less, the guy turned beet red and mumbled a few words before retreating back to his friends.



ok Nicole, I used to LOVE chipmunks and pornos well scare me, now they both scare me :) Thanks for the visual! I never knew guys did this, I hope to hell my brother doesnt get into somthing like this, I think I need to go pray that he dosent, I will never look at him the same if he does.

Nicole said...

Yeah I always got the "good its a girl" thing from the naked/barely clothed customers...what is that about?! Just because I am a girl doesn't mean I won't rinse my eyes out with Listerine later after seeing your boobs or your twigs and berries. I am traumatized either way!

OK the bread thing for the circle jerk...EEEWWWW!

I think a "Tales of a Delivery Driver" would be a best seller, people do some wierd ass shit around us! I think cutnjump can agree with that!!! LOL

CutNJump said...

Nicole I used to drop the papers and run from some houses, others I would honk as I tosssed the paper out the window. They were 'lucky' if I slowed down!

I agree about the brain bleach no matter whether they have indoor or outdoor plumbing. I don't need to SEE it. I really didn't care what they were doing behind the closed door and pulled drapes.

The best one was this older retired guy Don who used to work with us. He pulled up to these condo's and noticed the upstairs window had about 4 inches of curtains hanging down from the rods. He went to the door and knocked, which set off the dog on the other side- WOOOOOOF, WOOOOOOOF, WOOOOOOF, the sounds of a V E R Y, B I G dog.

Well the petite woman who answered the door was holding the dog by the collar with one hand and a see through robe closed with the other. That was her intent anyways, but to take the paper she had to let go of something, so it was the robe, but not for the paper...

No, the dog had lunged and she tried to grab onto the collar with both hands. He managed to pull her forward, the robe flew open and back and she fell down in the process.

Don said all he could do was stand there floored, shocked, stunned and amazed. With his jaw on the ground. He chucked the paper in through the front door and left. Any attempt to help her and the dog tried to eat him. He couldn't do anything else.

Lynda said...

I worked as a substitute rural mail carrier for a while many years ago. I had a 1981 mustang at the time that I was using to deliver mail in. I had to get a signature on a package. The addressee was a doctor. He answers the door in his underwear... signs the paper work and then lets his rottie out the door to chase me to the car... thank god the window was open as the dog almost got me. I dove through the window. He just stood on his porch laughing... his dog did some damage to my car. I decided screw him... drove back to the post office and got the postmistress... and the cops.... we all went back and he was still there... in his underwear... lets say the cop wasnt impressed... nor was the guy impressed with the charges he got...

CutNJump said...

I fold as far as the bidding on Weasel to come clean our house. I had to break down and fold the laundry last night.


The funny thing about people and delvery drivers... In the case of pizza's and papers, etc.- you have to call in for the delivery. You know they are coming soon- pizza within an hour, the papers gave them the same 'wait time', put your freakin' clothes ON people! Put the dog outside and make your life easier.

Or not. It makes for great stories for us to tell about you later on.

Publicly.

Like here!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>I surmise if I entered your apartment bathroom right now, I'd find your toilet nursing its young.<<

ROTFLMAO. Touche!

Hell they are like that when they are old too, unless they have enough sense to hire a housekeeper!