Thursday, August 28, 2008
Taking You To The Cleaners
I am 20 years old, white male, 5′10″, 190lbs, 13% body fat. I want to clean your home for you. I charge only $40/hour and will wash your clothes, clean your home, clean your car, fix your computer, make your bed, run errands for you, yard work, house sit, pet sit, etc. I am willing to do it fully clothed, wearing only some clothes, wearing clothes you pick for me, or wearing nothing at all. Dale.
I used to offer my services as a naked housecleaner.
Unfortunately, the only payment I could ever arrange was a small meal from whatever I found underneath the couch cushions. And I tell you what, a man can truly find his core when the best meal he eats all week is fourteen calico cat hairs draped across a Cheez-It. It was like licking on a raccoon's unmoistened udder in an elementary school sandbox.
Eventually the buildup of Windex on my balls became so deep my girlfriend stopped giving me blowjobs, simply because she didn't like watching her reflection on my scrotum. I promptly quit, and found new employment in organic cow insemination.
Dale here has picked my slack, but he charges $40 an hour. That's an awful lot of money to charge a woman for laughter.
Women have a difficult enough time as it is welcoming a plumber into their homes whose ass crack is so deep it has mining carts coming out of it. How do you think they feel about paying you $40 an hour to watch you get on all fours naked and extract a chewed piece of pineapple Trident from the carpeting? No sale, Dale.
I'd rather buy your 13% body fat estimate. That's like a baleen whale coming up to me with a straight face and trying to convince me he's an eel.
Plus, you're 20 and male. What the fuck do you know about cleaning? Single guys in their late 20's clean a plate when it has mold on it. Single guys in their mid 20's clean a plate when it has moss on it. Guys in their early 20's don't even clean the plate when it has prehistoric lichen on it. I surmise if I entered your apartment bathroom right now, I'd find your toilet nursing its young.
If you hire him, don't be surprised if he asks to see your "buh-gina."