Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Very Reason WWHM Exists

Beaver Consultation

I'd like to make you an offer. I have slept with hundeds of women in my years and consider myself an aficinado of women. What I often find is that women don't shave themselves properly for there body style or look, and thats where I come in. If you send me a picture of your pussy or full body, I will analyze and recomend what style men would find most attractive on you. This includes a V shape, a triangle, a landing strip, or totally shaved or not shaved. I charge $5 but I will leave it up to you what you would like to donate for my services. Send your photos to marcXXX@XXXXX.com. I will reply within 1 day.

The staff here at WWHM often consider the work we do as a sort of "Special Olympics" for men trying to attract women, but it really isn't an accurate representation of what we do.

In actual Special Olympics events, the participants know something about the sport in which they are about to compete. Put a basketball in front of them and they know to pick it up, they know they need to bounce it, and they know that the point of the game is to get the ball into the hoop.

But in the WWHM Special Olympics, this really isn't the case. Put an actual woman in front of our participants, and they bow their heads and shuffle their feet. They retreat to a remote corner looking for juice and cookies, or cuddle into their mother's teet and beg to go home. Our participants will never win, because they have no idea how to play the game or what the game is even played with.

Which leads us to today's gold medal winner, Marc. Marc wants you to send him a picture of your "beaver", a term generally reserved for six year-old boys who pee in sleeping bags and use laser noises to open car doors.

Marc is 40 and still refers to a pussy as a "beaver." This suggests a man completely unfamiliar with a pussy and the species it's attached to, a spineless fucking twit who wouldn't know a real vagina if it walked up to him on the street and slapped him in the face with a buttered halibut and screamed "Hello. I'm a vagina."

He wants you to send him a picture of your pussy. So he can suggest how you should shave it. Oh, and he wants $5 for his professional opinion. Of your pussy.

Seriously.

I think this guy comes in second place to Tim's Hairy Snack Shack as possibly the most asinine fucking thing I've ever seen at WWHM Headquarters.

Any suggestions for what you might like to donate for his services, please post in the comments. And no, I'm not going to give you the email address. But seriously, I thought about posting it.

21 comments:

Rozie said...

Someone is trying to add to their porn collection I think.
As if men care what hair style women have if their is some hot pussy in front of them.
I would rather wipe my ass with the $5 than give it to this asshole, but I would donate a brick to the side of his head for his services :)

Laurel said...

What's pathetic is that in this culture, where women are raised to judge themselves by men's opinions of them, there might be one woman somewhere screwed-up enough to send this dickferbrains a photo.

Lynda said...

I'd like to give him a 'hairpiece' for his services... maybe put it on 5 dollar monopoly money....

What a freak!

Mary said...

What I love is the fact that he's so sure of himself, he thinks he knows what every man on this Earth wants. So, I turned to my sweetheart for his opinion.

"Baby, do you prefer every woman's naughty bits to be shaved? Unshaved? Trimmed? Treated like a topiary?"

After explaining what a topiary was, I got this answer. "It depends on the woman. If she has enough hair to make Robin Williams back look bald, then shaved. If she already resembles a 15 year old who is just hitting puberty, leave it alone. If you have to fight the folds, a little guidence is needed with a great big flashing neon arrow."

So, as you see, it varies. And my hunny was a full fledged slut! So he would know what HIS opinion is. I do know a guy that won't touch a "beaver" if it's not 100% natural and another that won't go near one that has any sign of hair.

CaliGirl9 said...

I can imagine the hemorrhage should some woman be dumb enough to take this tool up on this offer.
Rozie's right. This guy is collecting pubic hair and making a nest with it. Isn't that what beavers themselves do—well not the collecting pubic hair part, okay? He likes beavers, right?
(Re-reading ad) Oh THAT kind of beaver. Oops. *giggle*

Mary said...

And the Hairy Snack Shack is still, by far, my favorite post. I've read it countless times and I still can't get through it without crying.

teawithlime said...

I imagine Marc is now wracking his brain for his next ad, in which he's an ob/gyn who makes housecalls.

Ella said...

"I have slept with hundeds of women in my years and consider myself an aficinado of women."

Right.
And the world is flat, creationism is science and Sarah Palin would make an awesome President.

Scoff.

Indra said...

oh god, why would anyone send him a photo, AND pay him? And if I were him, I doubt I'd be quite so proud of how many women I'd slept with, std anyone?

Shannon said...

weasel, i think it's not very nice that you're mocking this man's innocent offering of his humanitarian services. everyone knows we women can't be trusted with any important decision regarding our bodies. i've been waiting SO LONG to find a man who will tell me everything from how to shave my beaver to what i should eat for breakfast. sigh, i think i'm in love with *this* prince charming. look, i'm blushing and giggling like a schoolgirl again! teehee!

teawithlime said...

"I have slept with hundeds of women in my years and consider myself an aficinado of women."

Farm animals and stray dogs don't count as "women," Marc.

CutNJump said...

I have slept with hundeds of women in my years and consider myself an aficinado of women.


Good for you! Not that your self proclaimed status means anything here, but the part about sleeping with so many women tells us all, you most likely have contracted any number of curable diseases along the way. Let alone the number of incurable ones that were along for the ride and now here to stay.

I would bet the filthiest of Petri dishes would contain less scum than your pecker has on it at any given time...

CutNJump said...

Maybe you should have posted his email addy. That wuld be funny!

kiwiness said...

Maybe he's slept with that many women because none of the fortunate ones wanted to go back for some more of the great man himself!In other words a dead fuck!

Ella said...

You don't even have to give us him email. Just email him our comments.

Constructive criticism.

Anonymous said...

Oh please Weasel..puhleeeezze post his email address...it would bring us such mirth to cannabalize this ignorant porn addict....

Cmon....consider it an early xmas gift!

Michelle

Walk On said...

What he doesn't mention is that those hundreds of women he slept with took credit cards.....

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>And the Hairy Snack Shack is still, by far, my favorite post. I've read it countless times and I still can't get through it without crying.<<

Same here. That's my fave!

As for this dude, for just $20 I'll tell him why the only beaver he's seeing in real life is knawing on a tree branch in his backyard.

Anonymous said...

You want to swipe at him for calling it a beaver when you call it a pussy.....priceless!

TeddieLeigh said...

Ummm,.... I vote on a sex toy, thats really not a sex toy, but a blender or a food processor. We will not force him to use this, rather, if he does use it, btw that and this post,... it would be his own damn fault..... Just saying.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I prefer "beaver" over pussy.

But I like cats, so....

It's kinda like a gay guy preferring to call himself "homosexual" because he still uses "gay" to mean "happy."