Any Hottie Girls down 2 watch a Surfer JacKing oFF?
Yup..for real here....chill ass surfer jock into showing off to females...love getting caught jerking off...whatever your down for though most girls like seeing me nutt on my board. Erik @ XXXXXX.XXX
Oh, fucking please ladies, behave yourselves. Stand up before you stain your chair. There's so much estrogen flowing in here, I just fucking lactated and bought three pairs of shoes I'm never going to wear.
Look, I'm not gonna say looking at those hot cross buns has instantly put all you guys in heat, but if I scrambled all the eggs you guys just pumped onto the floor I could make an omelette to feed the Dallas Cowboys. You want me to put a pat of butter on those poop clippers and cover him with some fucking Golden Griddle?
Don't mind me, I'll just get back to my new job of selling flood insurance. For vaginas.
Anyway, you oversexed, horny wombats, meet Erik. Erik has placed a personal ad seeking some onanistic adventures on the beach. But I caution you, the reality of sex on the beach is never what you really think it is.
The gentle scrape of barnacle on ball sack.
The playful buttock touch of a pre-historic bivalve mollusk.
A thousand sand fleas turning your ass crack into TickleZone 2000.
The sudden and uncomfortable awareness of the depth of your fallopian tubes when filled with abrasive volcanic sand grains.
Believe me, it's bad enough when you get crabs, but imagine contracting actual crabs. The doctor doesn't prescribe a medicinal shampoo, he prescribes seagulls. And the last thing I want is a sloppy beakjob from a hungry seabird. The last thing you want is to get beak-fucked by a mangy bird that subsists primarily on discarded french fries and whatever falls off of a porpoise.
But Erik doesn't even want sex. He wants to jerk off for you, onto his surfboard. Gee, I wonder where you'll stand in that relationship.
I contacted Erik, and he told me there's a reason he took this picture for his personal ad. He wanted to show you the muscles on his back, but he didn't want you to see the mussels in his crotch. Spending half your life waist deep in seawater will do that to you. His dick looks like a coral reef in Kauai. There are so many fucking crustaceans ensconced in his genital area you could douse his nuts with butter and lemon and have a fucking clam bake.
Now why don't all 3,000 of you drooling ladies email Eric and ask him out for Halloween so you can dress up as a backyard surfboard.
With a hole in it.