Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Metaphorically Speaking

Whose dick is this?!!?!? ; } Oh its my D-I-C-K.

I'm on the right blowing the bubble. My thick cucumber is dripping with bumpy anticipation for your response. I can pump my man-juice multiple times in a variety of your holes simultaneously. If you are going to e-mail me make sure to send a picture. Mark easyxxxx @ xxxxx.com (XXX-XXX-XXXX)

One of the most painful and ineffective schticks men employ in personal ads is the poorly resourced genital metaphor. A sales pitch gone horribly awry, men think disguising the penis under the auspices of some randomly generated cylindrical object may somehow automatically increase it's lackluster appeal. Penis? No thanks. Trouser snake? Color me horny! You'd think women of the world ran around masturbating with soup cans, skin flutes and one-eyed unicorns.

Genital metaphors falter because women process text visually. Today's idiot Mark tenderly describes his genitals as “a thick, bumpy and dripping cucumber that can pump man-juice multiple times.” While Mark utilizes these metaphors to portray himself as a horny, well-endowed and fertile male, women tend to visualize a piece of rotting squash getting run over by a bus, or perhaps a gaggle of crows quarreling over a greasy hotdog under a van. Not exactly a literary juicer for the ladies Mark. You'd find more lubrication jerking-off with a handful of corn chips.

For men to truly understand the tragedy of using genital metaphors in a personal ad, they need to ask themselves how they'd respond to the following female ad utilizing the same strategy:

35 year-old beautiful and professional woman seeks tall, educated male for sailing adventures, dining in the park, and concerts in the fall. I enjoy coffee, classical music, and roasting the cocks penetrating the elastic snaphole of my sweaty breadbox.

Metaphorically or not, asking a strange woman to get excited about your penis in a personal ad is like asking a woman to get excited about an old turkey neck stuffed with acorns. A mutant and desperate gland appearing to forever yearn to sip from some unknown pool of water beneath it, women generally abhor the sight and thought of a penis unless they're specifically ready to take one on. It's no coincidence that vibrators and sparkly blue dildos sell like hotcakes, while giant rubber penises collect dust in the porn store bargain bin like a forgotten cart of shark bait.

Mark, if your cucumber keeps dripping in anticipation of a response, I suggest you take your ass down to Wal-Mart and buy yourself a spot mop.

You have a long wait.

We've done this for vaginas (God I hate that word), but any other names or metaphors you ladies use for your husbands or boyfriends dicks you can put in the comments. And if anyone puts "thingy", you're banished from WWHM forever.

This list oughtta be fucking cringeworthy for guys.

136 comments:

Brandy said...

"I can pump my man-juice multiple times in a variety of your holes simultaneously."

I'm picturing tentacle porn here. Not just promising multiple pumpings, but SIMULTANEOUS pumpings. Oh, the flexibility!

Hubby calls his 'friend' "Crackers". He won't kick me out for eating Crackers in bed!

Pilar said...

LOL @ Brandy :)
The fact that the idiot clearly doesn't know what 'simultaneously' means is almost as much of a turn off as his choice of metaphor.

Brandy said...

After a rather interesting night out decades ago, my friend now calls the uncircumsized members "Sea Cucumbers" and "Sea Slugs". Ewwww!!! I missed that night, and the person that thing was attached to, but it squicked her out good!

Of course, the word "member" sounds so... inclusionary. Sexist, really. If I don't have one, I can't be one?

"Purple helmeted warrior of passion" always makes me giggle.

RebelJubilee said...

So if I can't call it a thingy, can I call it a whatchamajig? As in, 'Can I see that whatchamajig you go going on down your pants?'

Great post. Weasel.

Weasel said...

Rebel I will grant you "Ja-ho-se-phat."

But no "thingy".

For anyone.

connemaranz said...

masturbation = whacking the sausage

the penis of a stallion used to be euphemistically referred to as the 'horse's fifth leg'.

Actually the word penis is a crack up all on its' own. Lots of slangy derivatives ie having lead in one's pencil. Too late at night to come up with any more (haha).

Tularia said...

My hubby's is called Mr. Peabody. There's a story behind that which I won't go into. However, on inappropriate occasions, it IS called Thing... as in put that Thing away before you get into trouble. LOL

TornadoBaby said...

OMG weasel... that "women's" ad cracked me up like last year's candy cane. Imagine the response if that were really posted somewhere!

Weasel said...

***Editor's Note***
For you Google Readers I had a video clip up as well that I had to take down- if you would like to know why you can email me. I can only post my own original material up on WWHM for the next two or three weeks.

To the reader who didn't like the video, it was a dating satire and I thought it was appropriate. You have to realize I can't produce WWHM and simultaneously be sensitive to everyone's feelings. Everyone is offended by my work at some point. That's why I have so many great readers.
***End Editors Note. Editor now surfing porn***

Weasel said...

Tell the story Tularia!

Just calling it that in front of me would turn my dick into an instant xylophone.

Jen Shizuka said...

Let's see. We don't use any of these terms _seriously_ but here's a list of the ones I recall offhand. You can blame me for almost all of these...

"Mr. Happy" (after I snuck up on it while he was asleep and drew a smiley face on it with permanent marker.)
"Man Muscle" or "Love Muscle"
"Hot Poker"
"Groove Thang"
"Meat Hammer" (as in, "STOP! Hammertime!" *dancing*)
"Hot Beef Injector"
"Monty Python"
"The Monolith" (usu. accompanied by my rendition of Thus Spake Zara-thrusta)
"The Hunchback of Notre Daaaamn"
"Boom Stick"
"Dear God What Is That Thing" (as a noun)
"You'll Put Your Eye Out, Kid" (as a noun)
"Simba" (as in "Back, Simba! Back!")
"Tobor" (same as above)

Basically my goal with these names is to be as cheezy as possible and make him laugh and see if he can keep it up. Either that, or lay there acting totally bored, rolling my eyes, yawning, reading a book, saying "Oh are you still here? Are you DONE yet?" etc... but I digress from the silly names.

Jen Shizuka said...

Oooh, I forgot a couple of my faves:
"Vlad the Impaler"
"The Devirginator"
"The Germinator"
"Inna Gadda Da Me-Da"
... anyway, you get the drift...

horsegal said...

EEEEEWWW.. a dripping cucumber made me think he had warts and gonorrhea. Hilarious commentary on this loser, tho. I'm sure women are standing in line... to give him antibiotics.

Hammer, Buddy, Friend (as in "Can you help out a friend here"), Old Man, The Boys (well, I guess that doesn't include the "thingy", just the "danglies"),

I haven't had enough coffee yet to remember them all yet... need to caffeinate.

Julian Meteor said...

I TOTALLY agree that this advertiser is a L.O.S.E.R. lol, but you HAVE to see it from a man's P.O.V.
He NEEDS you to know you will NOT be disappointed. I prefer to slip it in in passing so the message comes across but I am NOT emphasising.
Eg...I like books and films, am vwe and CAN travel etc

Bellesouth said...

I am still picturing being simultaneously pumped with "man-juice" through a variety of my holes.

It's not a pretty picture, believe you me.

Speaking of metaphors, do guys really think women get turned on by the term "man-juice?"

Come to think of it, I did order a cucumber and man-juice smoothie the other day... he may have something going here.

Weasel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Upupa said...

Mr Toad

Spontaneously christened by me when he slacked off the first time we were together. To me, He looked like a hunkered down toad sitting on rock just not happy with life

Mr Toad is inclined to lazy work, sometimes quiting mid job. Thus it is having a boss who in middle aged, totally stressed and inclined to be in at least three different international time zones in any given three weeks.

He sometimes takes quite a bit of persuasion to get back to work. He prefers to be drug free so we certainly get innovative.

The best part is that my lover is totally on board with the nickname.

Weasel said...

Julian,... um,... uh, ... hate to break it to you but this blog is written by a man. Did you know that?

lmao

I kid, I kid. But seriously, did you know that?

Julian Meteor said...

NO WAY!!!!! lol
A gay man?
I have NOTHING against gays!!!!! rofl
Just NOT with me!!!!!!!! lmao

Cheri said...

First time poster here. I just had to add that when I read about a man's penis "dripping with man juice" I immediately think "STDs"! No thanks! :)

Julian Meteor said...

I BET she's posted before.
I HATE dishonesty.

Weasel said...

Actaully I'm straight and I make fun of straight guys. Gay guys needed a breather.

@Cheri- yeah, this kind of takes away my "drippy, bumpy cock" pick-up line.

stargate95 said...

Long-Dong-Silver

;)

Nosnikta said...

Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger

Oh.. and Pedro.

(name that movie)

fleeting said...

Unfortunately, I am far too shy to have an array of amusing nicknames in my arsenal... but I have to say, Vlad the Impaler is my new favorite.

Carpe Noctum Stable said...

It's usually "Mr. Happy" and can't forget"The Boys" too.Occasionally I refer to it as " Man meat". LOL He doesn't really care either way.
-Nicole

fleeting said...

I was browsing the local kjiji personals (for the blog, I'm taken) and came across this:

white tall man seeks you know will do something for you you must not be overweight. lets have fun,you will like my ice cream cone.

I ought to forward this guy today's post.

Weasel said...

Yes you should fleeting

Anonymous said...

"The penis is like a retarded brother. They both mean well but are ultimately driven by an overwhelming desire to be hugged."

I call mine Captain

Jim and Garret said...

I like good ole fashion, "cock". Here's a list of pet names.

http://www.madblast.com/funny/13185_penis-names.html

Now back to playing with my pencil, I mean bratwurst.

-Garret-

DJ said...

Around here women mostly point and call it "Ahahahahaha... no."

Indra said...

When I read the cucumber line I thought about a rotten cucumber sitting at the bottom of the veggie drawer in the fridge, getting all soft and dripping with rotten cucumber water.. Gross...

Trainer X said...

Ok that makes me want to bitch-slap that guy! Bumpy Cucumber?!?!? "Ooohh Gee when you put it that way I'm just shaking with anticipation to have you"

*BARFNESS!!!!* LMAO!!

Great post, but it makes me wanna chuck!! HAHAHA

www.ihateyourhorse.blogspot.com

The Barn Bitch said...

When I read "bumps" I immediately thought of some type of STD. What normal penis has bumps? Is this something I missed in my somewhat sheltered sex-life?

My husband uses a variety of names such as "sausage", the "schlong", and my favorite...."he".

Anonymous said...

I hate cucumbers does that mean I am a lesbian?

Hyena Overlord said...

My man's equipment doesn't have a cute nickname. Although, I think it has a psychic link to my Mother-in-law and Brother-in-law. The former has a tendency to phone when we're busy mid morning on the weekends, evening or otherwise. The the latter shows up unannounced at the door. "Oh,are you busy?"

I looked up bumpy dripping cucumber on google images. Nothing there but sea cucumbers and salads.

The personal ads of men sound like they're not interested in finding someone but are being forced at gun point to submit an ad.

Insert sound of the butt of Mom's glock cracking his skull.

(whining al la Frances Dolarhyde)"Yes, I posted the ad like you said. I put my picture and phone number. No, no ones called"

Another skull crack

"Yes, I tried my best. "I'll move in with the first woman who responds. Please, you're hurting me".

He's chewing gum and blowing bubbles? Is he a man or a 12 y/o girl? I'd like to stick that wad of gum in his pubes. That would keep him busy and off the internet for a while.

I like the woman's ad. Sadly, that ad would have men lined up around the block. Cuz they understand the last line.

DoeEyed said...

First time posting, but I've made submissions via email. And drippy, bumpy cucumber - ewwwww!

Let's see, euphemisms I've heard of: (that I can think of at this moment - prolly heard lots more - I'm ex-military)
one-eyed wonder worm, skin flute, log (as in "flog your"), wood, Mr. Happy, "____" Junior (fill in the blank with guy's name), the little brain, 7-star general, schlong, shvanstauger, wanker, Woody Woodpecker, He-Man, Randy Andy, anaconda, 3rd leg, Abdullah the Tent Maker, flagpole, putz, schmuck, twinkie of love, meat, King Kong, the purple beret, Penis Maximus, Biggus Dickus (from Monty Python, another nickname), Captain Kielbasa, Snausage, hotdog, weenie, Elrod, thunderstick, blowpop, one-gun salute, cockadud'lldo, Thor's Hammer, Captain Kangaroo, sledgehammer, joystick, trouser snake, one-eyed Jack, Ego, Id, the big Secret, patriot missile, unit, package, midnight meat train, ding-dong, ding-a-ling, dong, junk, prick, Peter, Willie, dick, Major Johnson, wang, wong, Long John Silver, Big John, etc..., Paul Bunyan, ramrod, fire hose, big 12 inch, lemon, banana, big zucchini, Bam-Bam, Mr. Ed, Stanley (as in power tools), weapon, top gun, heavy artillery, drive shaft, love muscle, wonder weasel, magic wand, trombone, man horn, Mr. Floppy, Moby (Dick), Mr. Tracey (aka Dick Tracey), Wile E. (as in Coyote?), RumpleStiltSkin, yogurt cannon/shooter, trouser trout, trouser monster, mount purplehead, Captain Winky, WeeWillyWinkey, Pinocchio, tallywhacker, fun-meter, door knob, heat-seeking moisture missile, quay (Thai - used with modifiers humnoy, nitnoy, or mokmok), and finally baseball bat (A friend once described her experience with a 7-ft. dude she picked up one night as being assaulted with a baseball bat.)
I know I've heard plenty more. I love catching hubby off-guard with the most outrageous ones I can think of, at the most inopportune times. ;)

SassyBrunette said...

I think the funniest and most unique I've heard was "white laser." To which I said, "Dream big."

I love how he clarifies, "I'm the one on the right blowing the bubble." WTF??? Is your headband too tight?

Bumpy and oozing excessively makes me think he needs to be tested.

Zwitter said...

We use the Chinese kids' word for penis, which makes it sound like a baby chicken. It's also known as "certain thing" sometimes.

When I'm writing I like to call it a "winkie."

I think the whole "Throbbing Putrefying Cucumber of Virility" ad comes from guys who really have utterly nothing to offer a woman but the fact that hey, they love to get it on! and they mistakenly assume a woman would be up for that sort of thing, since THEY are. So they can't speak about their hobbies, their interests, or their personal life philosophy. And so, the "dating ad" becomes a description of how much they love to have sex. Upon proofreading they realize that "I want to sex you with my penis" is too short for a personal, so you get treated to horrifyingly misused Lovecraftian adjectives and metaphors as they try to spruce things up. Yeesh.

Kitten said...

The first thought of a dripping, bumpy cucumber... was a very bad case of STDs, or someone's kinky version of a vibrating dildo.

My man's favorite name for his second head, is "Italian Sausage", "Mr. Happy", "Greetings from Down Under" and "Cyclops".

But, my favorite I've ever heard, is something I heard from my MOTHER(!!). She called my dad's "Ol' Faithful" during thanksgiving this year. Needless to say, that potatoes and gravy that I was happily eating, didn't look so appetizing after that.

FairWeather said...

Personally, I have no name for any penis. But I have heard other refer to them as boom boom sticks, man bits, and (my favorite) the copilot.

Anonymous said...

Ex-husband = "Miracle Ear"
("so small you hardly know it's there")

There were never meat based nicknames, as it more resembled a vienna sausage than anything else when he was fully ready. Best description when at ease was "button-on-a-fur-coat".

Of course I still think I'd prefer it to decaying vegetables....

Lauren said...

generally, i refer to them using the man's name. as in his first name is the penis and the last name is the balls. ie:
Tom and the Jones'
Brad and the Pitts
Barack and the Obamas

you get it.

jax said...

he needs to take his ass to the free clinic with that dripping bumpy wang.

Stanley...the power drill. not original but still made me laugh enough to score.

cattypex said...

My grandma used to say "Worm," with great relish and a pinky finger held up. As in, "Men are always just wantin' to put their worm in you."

I broke up with a real jackass once, and she said he probably had a little skinny worm.

I loved her.

cattypex said...

Oh! My friend Jon used to refer to masturbation as "shaking hands with the unemployed."

If it's uncircumcized it's a "turtleneck."

My sister and I found an ooooollllllld stag novel in the back of the garage loft once. It had a hilarious bad plot, and the only word used was "hydrant."

dukie said...

You know,you are surely turning on some necrotic cucumber with: 'elastic snaphole of my sweaty breadbox'. Roasting oughta put an end to the dang thingy, hopefully.

Emily Katherine said...

Nosnikta said...
Purple-Headed Yogurt Slinger

Oh.. and Pedro.

(name that movie)


Varsity Blues!
I've seen it so many times. It's a favorite movie around here.

Anonymous said...

ROFLMAO@DJ for this "Around here women mostly point and call it "Ahahahahaha... no.""

*tears streaming down face* I've known more than a few guys like that. ;) Generally they drive big Ford trucks (dunno why, but it's always the Fords--duallys mostly) it's OK though, makes 'em easier to spot. :p

Oh! And hubby is "Sampson". Except he got bigger when we cut the hair. LOL!

Maggieliz said...

All I can think of is "His throbbing member.... "

Andi said...

I read this and think Herpes, warts, gonorrhea and/or chlamydia. Probably all.

Anonymous said...

Another great one Weasel.

I'm surprised at how many people name their SO's penis. Very foreign to me, though I did call my boyfriends 'Princess Josephine' in high school ;)

k2 said...

"Darth Winkie"

complete with humming the star wars theme. "princess leia, you will tell me where the plans to the death star are!"

"if they were up your ass you'd know!" much giggling follows this line. why yes, we ARE newlyweds, why do you ask? ;)

Brandy said...

'Princess Josephine'? As in, Napoleon will be home in 6 weeks, do not bathe? LOL!

'Baby maker' - like it's a clayworking tool...

I need to find the cd I got from a friend, it had 'phrases' for romance writers to use. Ahhh, euphemisms.

What should I offer the little man in the boat? Wait, shouldn't that be a woman in a boat? Sheesh!

draftie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Brandy, LOL!

No, it was because our good friend (and my best friends boyfriend) was named Joey. Certainly we couldn't call it Princess Joey so it was feminized.

Oh god, 6 weeks without showering -shudders-. No, we wouldn't still be together if he went one week and expected me to be anywhere near him.

anniebanannie said...

Hing hanger.

Arc said...

Unfortunately, I was eating a chopped up cucumber when I came here. BAD IDEA.

I call my boyfriend's any of the following:
Don Juan
The Pilot
The Crimson Wing Pilot

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Perla said...

"My thick cucumber is dripping with bumpy anticipation..."

It might be just my 1/3 of a nursing degree talking, but this sounds like a description of a particularly nasty STI!

Amy.mangos said...

My sister, who has been living in Tasmania, just referred to a speedo on the tv as a "budgie smuggler" and was then kind enough to inform me that a budgie is a parakeet type bird. So, small parrot Thing?

Sorry, lame. I called it his magic wand the other night. He fell off the couch laughing, but sex is good on the floor, too :-)

Amy.mangos said...

"Him" being my partner, not my sister, btw.

Weasel said...

You guys kill me.

Hey FYI guys- any comments posted in foreign languages are deleted as soon as I see them. Bots use them to troll. If I don't understand it its gone.

Will try for another post tomorrow- I'm just getting to work on it right now. Maybe......

jessica said...

Does no one else refer to it lovingly as their little spunk pump?

Anonymous said...

Bumpy wiener makes me think about the BMEzine mods, where they implant silicone shapes under the skin for extra...stimulation.

Ferret Fan said...

Hubby:
Mr. Flopsy when sleepy
Mr. Woody when awake

Love Rhino when really really awake.

For men that I think are jerks:

Naked Mole Rats
Herpes Mega Missles
Needledick the Bug Fucker

CutNJump said...

Ok between this guy and his drippy, bumpy cucumber...

and the guy with the cookbook... (thinking- salad dressing)

salad is becoming a thing of my past.

I don't even want to know about carrots or anything else in the making of the salad or the dressing.

Eeeeeww!

Thanks Weasel! You have just helped everyone either start or stick to their diet through the holiday season.

CutNJump said...

As for the names- around here it's Cabana Boy Dave or Pablo the Pool Boy.

We irrigate, but have no pool. Closest thing is a 300 gallon stock tank for the cows to drink from.

Anonymous said...

Never had a nickname for my, errm, cucumber, but an ex used to call my, errm, radishes Laurel and Hardy.

Melissa said...

Hilarious as usual...
i'm a lesbian soooo I call them DO NOT WANT .lol

Anonymous said...

my ex used to call his woo woo.... As in (imagine a whiny baby voice) "woo woo wants a kiss". so unsexy...

Current partner calls his turtle in cold weather, or his "spicy hot chorizo" when he wants to make me laugh..

Anonymous said...

My SO calls it his Aura Staff (inside joke) or his weapon of ass destruction.

Anonymous said...

I had a friend who nicknamed her boyfriend's Pink Floyd.

Erin said...

In a particularly giddy and meandering conversation, my BF and I started calling his penis "Angus." I believe it had something to do with a joke about argyle-print condoms...

I'm currently taking a graduate class in Human Sexuality, and on the first day our professor had us come up with as many slang terms for penis and vagina as we could. My group won the penis challenge with 39 or something like that. It was quite the triumph. ;)

rob said...

Some chick somewhere opined that men "Just want to dip Cecil in the hot grease."

Nosnikta said...

Hooo Hoooo Heeeee Heeeeee Haaaaa Haaaaaa! These are funny!

I knew a girl long ago whose brother told her he named his "Conan". She asked if it was because it was dirty, hairy, and scarred.

Ms Judgemental said...

My ex-husband's was 'Little B'. When my dog has a slight infection, I call it his 'winkie'. When I'm insulting a guy, I call it 'winkie' as well. ;) My foreign coworkers call it a 'wanker', and I've heard 'member' before.

flaming_mo said...

Love, love, LOVE your blog! Here via crevette.

BTW, in jest, "he" is sometimes referred to as "Squirmin' Herman, the One-Eyed German".

Amber Green said...

In my book Bareback, the hero (Joe) called his Low Joe.

Floyd said...

http://community.livejournal.com/weepingcock/
Making fun of the many, many words and phrases used in sex scenes of books or other written verse.
Community tag line:
The Velvet-Sheathed Steel That Proclaimed Him Male

robyn said...

"Mr. B".

And my sis-in-law came up w/ "the dingly-danglies".

=D

Eris said...

Hi! New here and just had to say that this site slays me every time I read it!

I've always been a fan of the old-fashioned word "Johnson", somehow it just cracks me up. Have a friend who calls his drippy cucumber The Bishop or "tube steak wrapped in underwear".

Calantha said...

The one that sort of makes me chuckle is "junk." It sounds so derogatory somehow and yet no doubt at least a few men have uttered it with pride. "Man root" is guaranteed to make me laugh because it is so utterly ridiculous. I guess I can be glad no guy I know ever tried to make pun using "mandrake." I don't think my ex had a name for his although since we didn't together I likely will never know.

I think the first words that would come out of my mouth if some guy I was dating referred to his penis by a name like Lil Freddie or something would be, "OH CHRIST NOT YOU TOO!" Yeah . . .my middle name is spoilsport.

Liz said...

I fucking love you. I love this blog. Even the comments are fucking hilarious. My life would be incomplete without you.

emrlddragon said...

HA! This site is hillarious. It really made my day reading all of these. Please keep up the good work.

Emily Katherine said...

I'm really, really glad that I have a girlfriend.
Like-- after re-reading comments..

Thank god that I have a girlfriend.
Thank god I don't have to deal with boys and their... well, everything listed so far. Ha

Anonymous said...

Weasel funniest site ever! I literally almost peed my pants at the Vagina Whisperer!

John said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Brandy said...

Amy.mangoes, that busts me up! Owning some parakeets, I can just picture that... Hahhaha!


Eris, our video viewing choice of this evening is the pilot to "Miami Vice". Which is what I think every time I hear "Johnson". Cuz Don is a dick!

Lovin' these!!

accidie said...

My first husband used to say - EVERY SODDING NIGHT - 'Would you like to go down and say hello to him?' Well, no. Not JUST because of the twee phrase, but also because he had just showered, then coated his member with exczema cream and talcum powder.

Oh, god, how hard it is to forget.

Eccentric_Lady said...

*chuckle* Interesting commentary to say the least. Sometimes when my husband gets a little too much, I tell him he better start thinking with the head with the cerebrum attached to it.

Robin William's quote on how God made man with 2 heads and only enough blood to run one at a time is often alluded to here.

anniebanannie said...

I thought that I'd quit being amazed at mens sexual attitudes towards women eventually. I mean but NoooOOOooo, I'm 50 years old, for crying out loud and nearly every time I open up WWHM, my mouth gapes and my eyes roll up into the back of my head.

Lynda said...

Hmm lets see... I call my BF's Cyclopes, one eyed idiot, (thats when he's not aiming right for the toilet! I hate spray!)

Hmmm I also tell him how 'cute' it is... hehehehe.. boy that squashes anything! I have other names but just cant think of them right now.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Sorry, but cute names and penises just do not go together in my world. If yours has a goddamn name, keep it in your pants and away from me. You freaks.

The only thing I think I've ever referred to one as, other than normal nasty talk, is "the only reason I put up with you." Heh. It's the truth!

NakedHousewife said...

If I ever mention that I'm hungry, Hubby thinks it's high-lar-i-ous to offer me cream filled tube steak smothered in underwear.

Danielle said...

Yeah the bumpy dripping cucumber comment had me disgusted. I once saw an ad that had something disgusting like that and at the end it said that bareback was a must. EWWWW. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about it...

As for a nickname... Well, I've never really given any actual nicknames. Me and my ex used to just call his "wee-wee". We would say it in child like voices.

TornadoBaby said...

When he really wants to get my attention (in a startled, then eye-roll way) my SO tells me that "Master is awake".

It took me a few minutes the first time he said it, then another half hour for him to coax me out of the bathroom after that. I was such a sheltered, slang-ignorant lass then...

Anonymous said...

I read the ad to my boyfriend, and after we finished laughing, he was a bit confused about the "variety of holes simultaneously" thing. "Does the guy have attachments for it?"

The Hatter said...

We just refer to it as, well, "it" or "omgiwantyousobadwhyarewestillwaiting"

Weasel said...

"It" is actually the best thing you can call.. um ... it.

Well said.

Anonymous said...

We call his The Leviathan.

Anonymous said...

I don't usually assign silly names to my guys' penes... but that doesn't seem to stop them!

I remember my ex, one night while laying in bed, for some reason decided to say something about how "It" was actually not a penis at all... but "Awesome on a stick"...

I couldn't help but laugh, and I only can hope that is what he was going for with that one! lol

Michael Harris said...

Yeah the bumpy dripping cucumber comment had me disgusted. I once saw an ad that had something disgusting like that and at the end it said that bareback was a must. EWWWW. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about it...

Lilah said...

I've always referred to hard-ons as "issues" or "problems" ie: you got problems/issues, honey?" or "Can I help you with your problems/issues"
Hubby calls his...production "Dr. Dave's Two-Ball Solution" and offers a cure any time I complain of a sore throat or if I cough. Anytime one of my girlfriends calls he answers with "Dave's escort swervice, where the customer cums first, how may I be of assistance."

jess said...

Lil mr 3000 - i have NO idea why hahaha

Idiomagic said...

I call my husband's...Sigmund.

Anonymous said...

Ha. An ex of mine could get it up quickly, and I, young and shocked the first couple of times, named it "Sproing". It seemed fitting. And it stuck.

Tessie said...

"multiple times in a variety of your holes simultaneously"

So he's either transcended the time-space continuum, or, more likely, doesn't understand what "simultaneously" means.

Thumbelina said...

ditto on the tentacle porn *shiver*

Boyfriend calls his man buissness "Slartibartfast". Don't really want to know why.

Thumbelina said...

Oh, and I obviously call it his "man buisness" or just his "buisness". We have a lot of fun by having buisness transactions or hostile takeovers

Anonymous said...

An ex used to re-name his every morning.

There is a reason he is an ex.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, so many good ones:

"The beast in the jungle"
"Junior" (in a Sean Connery voice)
"Yul Brenner"
"The Great White Hope"
"Vesuvius"
"Heat-seeking missile"
"Roger Ramjet"
"Semi"
"The Royale" (i.e. Quarter Pounder)
"The lone rider"
"Sidney Poitier" (and when it's up, I say "Guess who came to dinner?")
"The Hail Mary"
"The Colossus of Chodes"
"Kingdom Come"
"The Big Friendly Giant"
"The Mile High Club"
"The Straight and Narrow"
"Captain's Log" (in the voice of Patrick Stewart"
"The hand of friendship" (I'm extending...)
"Mighty Mouse" (here I come...)
"Army of One"
"7UP"
"Steely Dan"
"Henry Wadsworth Longfellow"

My sperm:
"Band of Brothers"
"The Armada"
"Baby batter"
"The Milky Way"

My Balls:
"The Dynamic Duo"
"Master & Commander"
"Fat Man & Little Boy" (when I had a Japanese girlfriend)
"The Brains of this Outfit"
"The Happy Couple"
"Bill & Ted"
"Itchy & Scratchy"
"Ben & Jerry"
"The Land of the Free & the Home of the Brave"
"A Gentleman & a Scholar"
"The Smothers Brothers"

Taylor said...

I just call it 'mine'.
He agrees :)

me said...

My ex used to call his "Excalibur"

Anonymous said...

I used to call my husbands member "Lil' Pat".

That is until we had Pat Jr. whom everyone calls "Lil' Pat". Every time I hear it I envision a toddler size version of my husband's penis in a pair of overalls with ice cream covering it.

Now we call him tripod.

Lilly said...

Helsing. Because he slays me.

S.L. Hunter said...

A few of the nicknames my boyfriend and I jokingly use;
-Hot Protein Injector
-Tubesteak
-Man meat
-Sperm sausage

When I was in middle school and first found out how guys masturbate we used to call it "Beef Jerky".

Jalestra said...

My husband calls his "pork sausage" to which I always reply "You know I'm allergic to pork, makes me swell up!"

1. I AM allergic to pork
2. We have 5 kids...yes, it does make me swell up. LOL

AZ said...

When my boyfriend's goes flaccid, it leans to the left, which I find endearing. I affectionately think of it as "Lefty," though I'd naturally never tell him that. I don't want to offend him.

That cucumber thing? Oi. Not attractive. It evokes the image of long-untreated STDs and being violated by Cthulhu in multiple orifices at the same time. Neither of those are pretty pictures.

Anonymous said...

"ARUBIX" - The longer you play with it, the harder it gets

Joe Mama said...

For a while, my wife referred to mine as a "little smoky." And for the record, it is average size, much larger than a little smoky. I finally got her to stop saying that.

Joe Mama said...

And oh yeah, I don't think anyone really wants to refer to their penis as being "bumpy" lest you give the idea you have genital warts.

Anonymous said...

You had me up until roasting.

Mandi said...

My husband must be strange, he just calls his a "cock".
That's Australian for penis, I dare say.

Anonymous said...

I can do it. I dont know how . He was indifferently at home. Why does that disturb you? But what can you do when you deal with people? I am not a technologist, Miss Taggart. This is the only establishment left. I resented it a little .

Anonymous said...

Theyre right on top of us, and Savous and Hyle are both on the surface. Salin told me that he was awake, but hes not come out of his suite. He made no secret that he could read any mind he chose, elvenborn or elvenchanged. Nialdlyes red legs crisscrossed over his back. She clutched him, snatched at her thoughts like fireflies flitting about her. She glanced away before her visual admiration sparked lust. But then, they had time. Her fingers slid in, unhindered. He murmured into her hair, holding her as he rocked her. Id like it if we could start again. He expected her to lash out with magic. Brevin sat on the side of the bed, leaning casually on one arm. She groaned, twisting the wrists in Tykirs grasp, rotating the hips pinned under Lanthans weight. A tiny bud that burst alive when warm lips slid over it. Then, when she started babbling, begging for more, he picked up speed. Yet more fingers stroked her clit while it dragged Brevins length. Theres no reason I should flourish. I doubt we could have flourished when every man is lover to only one woman. I wouldnt want to deny you. She twisted her grip as she slid her fist from root to tip.

Anonymous said...

His lips parted ever so slightly, and she heard a soft sigh of breath expel. His face was devoid of its former markings, the skin smooth and black and unblemished. Is the casting of this spell anything like the one that changes women to raedjour? Didnt matter that only Lanthan was touching her. She clutched him, snatched at her thoughts like fireflies flitting about her.
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Anonymous said...

The Ball Peen Hammer. Simultaneously manly and a little bit insulting. Just how I like 'em.

Anonymous said...

BECAUSE this is A) almost two years after the post and B) because i am mostly certain my guy won't be coming thru anytime soon...



"Darth Penis"



that is all :D

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