Metaphorically Speaking

Whose dick is this?!!?!? ; } Oh its my D-I-C-K.

I'm on the right blowing the bubble. My thick cucumber is dripping with bumpy anticipation for your response. I can pump my man-juice multiple times in a variety of your holes simultaneously. If you are going to e-mail me make sure to send a picture. Mark easyxxxx @ xxxxx.com (XXX-XXX-XXXX)

One of the most painful and ineffective schticks men employ in personal ads is the poorly resourced genital metaphor. A sales pitch gone horribly awry, men think disguising the penis under the auspices of some randomly generated cylindrical object may somehow automatically increase it's lackluster appeal. Penis? No thanks. Trouser snake? Color me horny! You'd think women of the world ran around masturbating with soup cans, skin flutes and one-eyed unicorns.

Genital metaphors falter because women process text visually. Today's idiot Mark tenderly describes his genitals as “a thick, bumpy and dripping cucumber that can pump man-juice multiple times.” While Mark utilizes these metaphors to portray himself as a horny, well-endowed and fertile male, women tend to visualize a piece of rotting squash getting run over by a bus, or perhaps a gaggle of crows quarreling over a greasy hotdog under a van. Not exactly a literary juicer for the ladies Mark. You'd find more lubrication jerking-off with a handful of corn chips.

For men to truly understand the tragedy of using genital metaphors in a personal ad, they need to ask themselves how they'd respond to the following female ad utilizing the same strategy:

35 year-old beautiful and professional woman seeks tall, educated male for sailing adventures, dining in the park, and concerts in the fall. I enjoy coffee, classical music, and roasting the cocks penetrating the elastic snaphole of my sweaty breadbox.

Metaphorically or not, asking a strange woman to get excited about your penis in a personal ad is like asking a woman to get excited about an old turkey neck stuffed with acorns. A mutant and desperate gland appearing to forever yearn to sip from some unknown pool of water beneath it, women generally abhor the sight and thought of a penis unless they're specifically ready to take one on. It's no coincidence that vibrators and sparkly blue dildos sell like hotcakes, while giant rubber penises collect dust in the porn store bargain bin like a forgotten cart of shark bait.

Mark, if your cucumber keeps dripping in anticipation of a response, I suggest you take your ass down to Wal-Mart and buy yourself a spot mop.

You have a long wait.

We've done this for vaginas (God I hate that word), but any other names or metaphors you ladies use for your husbands or boyfriends dicks you can put in the comments. And if anyone puts "thingy", you're banished from WWHM forever.

This list oughtta be fucking cringeworthy for guys.