Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Radiogasm

I Know How To Make You Cum. Even If You Haven't Before.

And I know how to do it too. I got some pointers listening to some woman on a talk radio show. Listeners called in. They asked questions and she gave good advice. I listened and took good notes. Now I know how to make women squirt. I can get you there even if you've never been able to experience your "Big-O" in the past. I'm available to host or travel. David XXX-XXX-XXXX

In his 1967 groundbreaking scientific thesis The Naked Ape, evolutionary biologist Desmond Morris theorized that the relative difficulty women have achieving orgasm is based upon modern Darwinian constructs, in that the “orgasm reward” is granted more frequently to females who select and tightly bond with males who exhibit qualities such as patience, understanding, imagination and intelligence. In other words, guys who give enough of a rat's ass about her to learn exactly how to make her head pop off like a fucking steam kettle.

Then we have guys like David who waste their time absorbing the empty ministrations of radio snake oil salesmen, who guarantee universal orgasms the same way they guarantee miracle-cure hair tonics and complicated stain removers. “Buy it and you'll see!” they promise, carefully placing one foot out the door in the general direction of an idling getaway vehicle.

“I got some good pointers listening to some woman on a radio talk show,” David states, as if he had been seeking advice on milling his own flour or barbequeing a free-range turkey, “and now I know how to make a woman squirt!” If it were only that easy David. I know women that have slept with over 100 men and never once reached climax, but have earth-shattering orgasms every time they ride a rusty bicycle down a brick sidewalk. But what does David say when he can't make you cum? "Oh, I guess your vagina must be broken."

Where a penis is simple math, the vagina is advanced theoretical calculus. If a woman boasted to her friends that she finally figured out a way to make her boyfriend cum, they'd look at her like she'd spent the previous three hours drinking concentrated house paint. Because while making a man cum is easier than mastering an introductory toast recipe, making a woman cum can involve a number of variables, each of which you need to master to get her off according to her own sexual needs.

So men, stop making your fucking worthless blanket statements about your ability to get women off like you're some kind of seasoned conductor for the Universal Vaginal Orchestra. Your forecasts fall flatter than fucking blizzard warnings in Honolulu, and you only perpetuate the human need for the yawning mechanism. Women know two things: If you say you're hung like a horse, that means your cock resembles the soggy tongue of a teenage bay clam. And if you promise her an orgasm, she knows she needs to start stretching out her wrists for a long night of finger exercises.

If a woman orders a pizza, she wants the delivery boy to show up with a pizza. You're like a delivery boy that shows up with nothing but good-natured conversation and excuses for why you don't have a pizza.

45 comments:

Chelsie said...

The first...But really...Is this guy serious???I've read books on brain surgery...doesn't mean you should let me near you with a scalpel...duh

Chelsie said...

Secondly weasel I think you mean "an" idling getaway car not "a" idling getaway car..need a refresher on english 101?

Weasel said...

Oops, nice catch.

Dusty said...

Charming....
*sigh*

Thingsthatperplexme said...

I'm pretty sure my radio show this morning had handy pointers on torture which I would be happy to practice on him. Particularly if there's no touching involved.

Anastasia said...

It was Desmond Morris :)

Maggieliz said...

^^ beaten, damnit.

You rock, Weasel. I have said it before, and I'll say it again - you have a gift for snark and words, and as such you're freaking awesome.

It's frustrating and weird to deal with performance anxiety; there are folks who think that we work like Porn Stars; rub and hump for 30 seconds, and you're good to go.

To give the guy credit, at least he's trying to learn even if he has no clue.

Canoncowgirl said...

WOW! I didn't realize hearing about something on the radio makes you an expert! I must be an expert in a lot of things! Jeez some guys :P

Wonderful snark as usual Weasel :D

Anonymous said...

"In his 1967 groundbreaking scientific thesis The Naked Ape, evolutionary biologist Desmond Norris theorized that the relative difficulty women have achieving orgasm is based upon modern Darwinian constructs, in that the “orgasm reward” is granted more frequently to females who select and tightly bond with males who exhibit qualities such as patience, understanding, imagination and intelligence."

As if such men existed in 1967!

Weasel said...

Anastasia- another good catch. Damn, I'm a fucking comedy of errors today.

Thanks guys, hope to have more tomorrow since I was so late back this week.

Weasel said...

@ ANON

Yeah, I didn't think women even HAD orgasms until 1982.

Brandy said...

I'm just wondering if this guy is making a Gene Simmons face....

Wow. At least he's not nakkies!

jax said...

god if i ever open a lesbian bar, i'm naming it the G Spot cuz no man would ever find it.

i think my ex needed a gps and a map.

Rhyadawn said...

"god if i ever open a lesbian bar, i'm naming it the G Spot cuz no man would ever find it"

Snork!!

I once dated a sailor. Nice guy, sweet, well intentioned. He needed a map... and unfortunatly even when you tried to teach him or direct him he went back to what he was doing previously...

sometimes they just don't learn...

Jim and Garret said...

Omigawd, women are so complicated!

I love this blog.

Garret

Ashers said...

The shirt puts me off straight away...... ;-)

clara said...

oh my god. wow i could just imagine him walking into a bar, stopping to talk to some hot chick and boasts "i listened to a radio talk show and now i can make you cum like you've never cum before." while the hot chick throws her drink in his face and shoves ice cubes up his nose.

Persnickety Ticker said...

If hearing something on the radio makes you an expert, then I am the next American Idol.

I'm also skinny, hair free, able to sell cars at a deep discount, report on traffic from my helicopter and do a plethora of other things with the utmost confidence that since I heard it on the radio, I am an instant expert (especially if other people call in at random to coach me).

Thanks Weasel, this post was hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Why is it so hard for men to learn? Making most women cum is not as hard as most men like to pretend. And when we print everything out in black and white with detailed visual demonstrations and information, men still do exactly what Rhyadawn said, they inevitably end up going right back to what we told them not to do.

Jim and Garret said...

Not that women can change it, but the need for a map and compass are in itself complicated.

Garret

lamexicanita86 said...

Hon, the male animal is so absurdly simple that it's virtually impossible for him to understand any needs other than his own. At least, it sure seems that way.

Kitten said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nurse Kitt said...

I think this guy and my ex should get together and share info.

"I went to sex-ed class at least 100 times. I know how to get a girl off! See?! According to this model, your spot should be here!"

Guys watch too much porn. Grind at each other with our hips attached for 10 seconds and they believe they are god's gift to women. What they don't realize, that those fake noises we make, are just that - fake.

Love ya Weasel!

Calantha said...

I think I actually felt my vagina shrivel up when I read this ad! Great that he wants to learn, but he's still not an expert. And with that attitude, he never will be.

RebelJubilee said...

Nerd alert: I saw an article on yawning today that links it to cooling the temperature of the brain...

http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2008/12/15/yawn-brain-head.html

(Now I'm beginning to have an inkling on maybe why guys don't date me after the second one...)

Anyhow, back to the post. Why? Why is it always the guys who are the least prepared to get a woman to the head popping point that think they're the best at it? I think I'd rather clean an animal hoarder's house/barn/whatever than even contemplate how horrific this guy is at getting women off. From an informal poll of my friends I've also learned that its the quiet guys who say nothing about their bedroom skills who are the absolute best in bed.

Lucky SC said...

I love the blog, Weasel, and this entry was well worth waiting for. Whether it is Norris or Morris, and whether your grammar is perfect is immaterial. You hit the nail RIGHT on the head!

This just goes to show me that I'm luckier than I already thougth I was, my hubby actually cares, listens, learns, and knows how to make me see stars.

And ya know what? Anybody who fakes an orgasm deserves whatever they get. No sense rewarding non-performance with a Fake-O.

Jessica said...

Weasel, OMG, I love that great simile about mastering a toast recipe. Just great. Laugh out loud, read to everyone in the room with me, send the link to all my friends funny.

Rock on.

Hyena Overlord said...

Toast...*LMAO* dry toast kinda like every cooch within 100 miles of this moron.

Hyena Overlord said...

Oh Radiogasm, great name for a band. Excellent Weas, copyright that asap.

robyn said...

I'd take B.O.B. over David any day. Yup.

PickyBitch said...

Holy shit!! This guy has GOT to be kidding! Who wants to bet that this guy is still a virgin--unless you can count Rosie Palmer and her five friends! *eye roll*

Tribblehappy said...

I really want to quote Clerks, the bit about making a man come being standard, "But making a woman come, now - therein lies the challenge."

Toast recipe, indeed! Women, for a challenge: Men can have multiple orgasms before they come, just a thought, have fun!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>The shirt puts me off straight away...... ;-)<<

Agreed! The shirt alone would make it impossible for me to have an orgasm. Good Lord, who dresses these guys?

>>He needed a map... and unfortunatly even when you tried to teach him or direct him he went back to what he was doing previously... <<

YES! Sorry, I don't believe you can work on sex or make it better. Guys are either great/a match with what you personally like from the start or it's never going to happen. You can train a dog. You can train a horse. But you can't train a man. They're all WYSIWYG. Along the same lines, they will not, at some point down the road, stop lying/cheating/gambling/smoking/throwing their shorts on the floor. If you can't live with Version 1.0, move on, because there is no way to upgrade them to a version with better features!

Mack Truck said...

{I've also learned that its the quiet guys who say nothing about their bedroom skills who are the absolute best in bed.}

This is absolutely, positively true. My SO is quiet almost to the point of being mute, but good heavens does that man know his way around a female body!

What I want to know, is why almost every ONE of these pictures Weasel posts are taken in the bathroom? What is the allure, seriously?

Yeah, I guess I'll go for my Masters today, since I heered a 'mercial on the radio this mornin' whilst I was drivin' ter werk. I'm gonna be smert!

ginmar said...

Can we add 'squirt' to the list of words that make women wince? I mean...ew. Reminds me of plumbing, and that reminds me of wrenches, which is what this dude would use, with all the delicacy that implies.

Sweet said...

"Because while making a man cum is easier than mastering an introductory toast recipe, "

Weasel, you have got to be one of the funniest people. Have you published anything? If not, you must! You absolutely must! Your shit is hysterical!

This is helping me maintain my sanity as I study accounting.

Sweet said...

To Rhyadawn:

Actually, there is a lesbian bar in Houston called "The G Spot". LOL!

I admit I have seen a few men in there. Redneck men who have probably hung siding or welded with their female friends.

Luann DeGroot said...

>>What I want to know, is why
>>almost every ONE of these
>>pictures Weasel posts are taken
>>in the bathroom? What is the
>>allure, seriously?

All it says to me is, "I don't even have any friends to take a picture for me".

Anonymous said...

"YES! Sorry, I don't believe you can work on sex or make it better. Guys are either great/a match with what you personally like from the start or it's never going to happen. You can train a dog. You can train a horse. But you can't train a man. They're all WYSIWYG. Along the same lines, they will not, at some point down the road, stop lying/cheating/gambling/smoking/throwing their shorts on the floor. If you can't live with Version 1.0, move on, because there is no way to upgrade them to a version with better features!"


This isn't mutually exclusive either, this applies to both sexes. They either change because they want to change themselves or don't change at all because the other person isn't worth the effort.

We're not animals to be trained.

Anonymous said...

"In his 1967 groundbreaking scientific thesis The Naked Ape, evolutionary biologist Desmond Norris theorized that the relative difficulty women have achieving orgasm is based upon modern Darwinian constructs, in that the “orgasm reward” is granted more frequently to females who select and tightly bond with males who exhibit qualities such as patience, understanding, imagination and intelligence."

So true! My first love was able to get me off in like, 20 seconds, and i never found that again with a guy during 10 years of sexual activity. Just met someone new who i really share a connection with and, what do you know, he CAN GET ME OFF!

H. said...

I am amazed at how many men have no idea that what gets them hot doesn't work for us in terms of...well, terminology. I'm sure that certain words are popular in the locker room, such as snatch, quivering quim, fuck-hole, and things like making our thighs "shake like jello", and of course you've got squirt from this guy.
Most women are turned off by such talk, and once men realize WHY, they'll learn a lot about women.
Here's a hint: contrary to popular belief, we're not masochists, but the only way you can reconcile what you do to us sexually is to believe that we are. (That's not a guilt-trip, men. Really think about this.) Think about why straight men are homophobic. What human being with any dignity or feelings--hell, with pain receptors--would want to be dominated and fucked? Oh, wait, but if women throw aside their human dignity and feelings, surely they'll come to love nothing more than to lay flat on their backs and be plundered!
Hence all that pesky shit about trust, respect, and even love that stops us from fucking every guy that says he wants to shove his throbbing fuckstick into our dripping gash 'til we scream.
So the next time you're wondering, "Should I say 'cum-pig slut'?" ask yourself, "Would I like to be referred to as such, or would I kill anyone who said it to me?"

The Beautiful Kind said...

I had a guy once offer me a "White Tiger Tantric Massage" that would guarantee me a 40 minute orgasm. Huh?

When I asked if he would demonstrate how to do it for my boyfriend, he snottily declined, stating that he didn't share his ancient secrets with others. Unless they have vaginas he can invade, of course.

Turns out he was talking about g-spot stimulation.

White Tiger MY ASS!!!

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