I Know How To Make You Cum. Even If You Haven't Before.
And I know how to do it too. I got some pointers listening to some woman on a talk radio show. Listeners called in. They asked questions and she gave good advice. I listened and took good notes. Now I know how to make women squirt. I can get you there even if you've never been able to experience your "Big-O" in the past. I'm available to host or travel. David XXX-XXX-XXXX
In his 1967 groundbreaking scientific thesis The Naked Ape, evolutionary biologist Desmond Morris theorized that the relative difficulty women have achieving orgasm is based upon modern Darwinian constructs, in that the “orgasm reward” is granted more frequently to females who select and tightly bond with males who exhibit qualities such as patience, understanding, imagination and intelligence. In other words, guys who give enough of a rat's ass about her to learn exactly how to make her head pop off like a fucking steam kettle.
Then we have guys like David who waste their time absorbing the empty ministrations of radio snake oil salesmen, who guarantee universal orgasms the same way they guarantee miracle-cure hair tonics and complicated stain removers. “Buy it and you'll see!” they promise, carefully placing one foot out the door in the general direction of an idling getaway vehicle.
“I got some good pointers listening to some woman on a radio talk show,” David states, as if he had been seeking advice on milling his own flour or barbequeing a free-range turkey, “and now I know how to make a woman squirt!” If it were only that easy David. I know women that have slept with over 100 men and never once reached climax, but have earth-shattering orgasms every time they ride a rusty bicycle down a brick sidewalk. But what does David say when he can't make you cum? "Oh, I guess your vagina must be broken."
Where a penis is simple math, the vagina is advanced theoretical calculus. If a woman boasted to her friends that she finally figured out a way to make her boyfriend cum, they'd look at her like she'd spent the previous three hours drinking concentrated house paint. Because while making a man cum is easier than mastering an introductory toast recipe, making a woman cum can involve a number of variables, each of which you need to master to get her off according to her own sexual needs.
So men, stop making your fucking worthless blanket statements about your ability to get women off like you're some kind of seasoned conductor for the Universal Vaginal Orchestra. Your forecasts fall flatter than fucking blizzard warnings in Honolulu, and you only perpetuate the human need for the yawning mechanism. Women know two things: If you say you're hung like a horse, that means your cock resembles the soggy tongue of a teenage bay clam. And if you promise her an orgasm, she knows she needs to start stretching out her wrists for a long night of finger exercises.
If a woman orders a pizza, she wants the delivery boy to show up with a pizza. You're like a delivery boy that shows up with nothing but good-natured conversation and excuses for why you don't have a pizza.