Tuesday, August 11, 2009

WWHM Presents: Control!

Enough is Enough Ladies

Ok, after years and years of trying to be nice and courteous to the female race. I've finally had enough and in search of a long term relationship. Here's what I want.

1.) You have to have the following, Car, Job, and of at least graduated high school. If your a dropout, then please do us a favor, kill yourself.

2.) Smoking Hot - Yes I said it, i'm not the best looking guy, but i'm sick and tired of going after less than what I deserve.

3.) Shitty personality - If you look down on others, then piss off and move on. Find a man who does not give a shit about you and uses you for what your worth, that sweet little honey pot between your legs.

4.) Indecisiveness - Any shred of "I don't know what I want" after you state that someone is everything you ever wanted, will result in a team of women known as my psychotic sisters will hunt you down and leave you wherever they find you

5.) Three Input Girls - if you are then my prayers are answered because I need something to slide something fat, long and ready to go inside of where I wanna put it.

6.) No emotional friends - I've put people in jail and in the ground for this one. You have been warned.

7.) Dedication- you will be with me or report to me on your whereabouts when I ask, and sleep in my bed at all times. You don't need to go on vacations by yourself nor do you feel the need for girl nights outs .

8.) Availability- You should go to work no more than half an hour before you shift starts and you must return home in a timely manner after your shift ends. If you would like to go out with your work "friends" you will go out with me and your "work" friends

9.) Self-Control - I really dislike a woman who tries to show her ass offin public, especially one who goes to night clubs and grinds her ass on every dick in the place. This pisses me off greatly.

10.) Lead on's - If you lead me on, instead of attempting to make a commitment toward a relationship will only lead yourself into getting the biggest dosage of karma you ever received.
Finally...

11.) Ex'es - If you still have a running contact with a ex-boyfriend, ex-husband, ex-lover or ex-fling. Then I will not tolerate that. I have friends in U.S., U.K., CIA, DEA, FBI, NSA, SIS, GSG-9 (I get around).

And if I have the slightest doubt, you know that feeling that your being followed? You are.

Me, workaholic, running a successful business, and highly family oriented that doesn't give a shit, or takes any shit. Must have a preference for big men who are more muscular than fat.

I look forward to talking with all of you women out there and hopefully one of you can be my potential soulmate and make beautiful babies.

Hugh

I acquired my first girlfriend sometime during the tenth grade, an attractive and kittenish girl named Tracy with a puzzling affinity for both Jesus Christ and mini-skirts. Fond of histrionics and obsessed with her cat, she wasn't exactly the type of girl I was usually interested in. But I was 16 at the time, she was pretty, and my testicles churned out far more sperm than they could handle, much like those comical pastry factories in sitcoms where a conveyor belt of pies ultimately overwhelms its workers, leaving the floor covered in a slick, frothy cream. Only in my case, it was either a gym sock or my bedsheets, which often achieved a level of unpleasant crustiness one might expect from a cut-rate pizza.

Aloof and shy in the beginning, it took me several weeks to figure out she actually had a romantic interest in me. She would call frequently, slinging loaded questions which I initially dismissed as casual conversation. "If I took you out to dinner, what kind of tasty surprise do you think I'd get for dessert?" she'd coo in a sultry voice dripping with sexual innuendo. "Um, probably carrot cake," I'd reply naively, an inexperienced yet fluid sexual matador deftly sidestepping her raging bull of a vagina. You could practically hear her eyes rolling over the telephone.

I hadn't quite taken to her until she approached me at a keg party one evening, her eyes glassy and her breath reeking of boxed wine. "I want to show you something that will blow your mind." Familiar with her tendency to exaggerate, I reluctantly followed her to the bathroom, fully expecting her to "blow my mind" with a Victorian pillow catalog or yet another photo montage of her unfortunate cat dressed up as a coal miner or carefree surfer.

Rather, she shoved me against the sink and began furiously unbuckling my belt. Apparently carrot cake was off the menu, but I didn't protest.

Suddenly, I had a new girlfriend.

Prior to Tracy, I had clung to girls like a nursing koala, my hands tightly clutching at their arms in a desperate attempt to prevent them from straying towards boys with a spine or a car worth more than a postage stamp. But with Tracy, our roles reversed. She hovered over me like a mid-day shadow, a prim and proper fish awkwardly trying to swim in the pond scum of my social circle. With Tracy I never experienced the desperate neediness I had felt with so many other girls. In turn, I realized the dearth of my own hollow desperation exponentially increased her interest in pursuing me.

Tracy was initially attracted to my sense of humor and my wholly fictitious role as a rebellious outcast, but once we started dating she insisted on an increasing level of interactivity with her popular friends, a detestable collection of monied athletic boys with names like Bradford and Parsnips. Sitting in their fancy homes drinking their fancy beers, I longed to sit in a public park with my own friends, siphoning a flat keg of swill into our stomach lining as we exchanged blatant lies about the unconquered vaginas that had repeatedly eluded us like frightened squirrels.

She began to aggressively shoosh my efforts at the off-color humor she once so professed to love, preferring politically correct conversations at dinner with her parents, where we might "enjoy" upscale yet unfulfilling dishes such as twice-baked chicken ears or bristled duck knees in a telephone sauce. "That's not proper," she would say as I initiated another expletive-laden line of questionable humor targeting someone else's unfortunate injury or untimely death. A month prior, she would have found it an absolute scream.

My lack of financial resources annoyed her to no end, not comprehending I was one of those kids forced to toil at a job rather than simply exposing my bare palm to a love-starved parent. She wanted me to take her to the type of restaurants that served meals with multiple forks, despite the fact that I had just lightly sprinkled 17 copper coins into the grimy hand of a gas station attendant in order to pacify my gas tank. If I was to use a second fork for anything, I'd use it to stab holes of financial reality into her delusional dining fantasies. To me, "upscale" meant tartar sauce on my french fries.

If things didn't go her way in our developing card-game of a relationship, she always played the Queen of Tears, a masters move of female manipulation for which, at the time, I had absolutely no defense. The moisture welling up on her cheeks, I would jump off a cliff or rob a bank if I only knew it would make her stop. "Push that elderly woman in front of a bus," she might say as tears trickled down her face. "What route?" I'd reply. She knew my weakness and plucked it as she would the wings off a defenseless fly.

After a few months I began to entertain a previously unfathomable thought; maybe I should consider ending the relationship. It was a shocking revelation I could barely qualify in my own mind. Here I was a meek and shy teenager interminably desperate for the affection of girls, and now I was contemplating biting the hand that fed me. I was a starving Ethiopian, about to throw away my only morsel of food.

Her parents left town one weekend and I reluctantly agreed to shack up with her. We had engaged in a particularly vicious fight the previous evening over the misconduct of my peer group, and the next morning I awoke resenting our relationship. It wasn't her fault; I wasn't a rat she had cornered and beaten with a stick. Rather, I was a rat willingly residing in her cage and tired of performing tricks for cheese.

As I stared at the ceiling, Tracy rolled over in an effort to cuddle with me. Perhaps she was asleep or perhaps she had contorted herself in just the right manner, but nevertheless I heard a abrupt noise emanate from behind her as if someone had just drop-kicked a small goat. The sound was unmistakable; she had farted.

Previously I had lived in a delusional world where women didn't have this issue, and even if they did it sprung from their bodies in the form of festive, shimmering maypole ribbons that might smell like fresh pie. This was not the case as evidenced by the reaction of her cat, who immediately contracted his ears, stood up, and exited the room as if late for a pharmaceutical conference.

Tracy's eyes shot open and met mine, and all I could do was explode into laughter. I had never heard a girl fart before, and haven't heard it since. She was mortified. "It's not funny," she said, "I don't feel good." It was funny and she knew it. She started laughing for a moment, but then began to pretend like she was crying over her laughter in an attempt to toss a little guilt my way.

It was a brilliant show, her puppy sobs countered with her crocodile tears. After about ten minutes and some considerable effort, she was finally able to muster a tear, but I was nonplussed. No one cries because of a fart, and from that point forward I accepted her tears for what they were worth; a tired effort to further manipulate my behavior.

We broke up soon after, and the last I heard she started dating a boy much worse than I. He had a criminal record, a bad attitude and a drug habit. In effect, just three small steps away from Mahatma Gandhi, but nothing a nice bag of chicken ears couldn't cure.

My relationship with Tracy was my first foray into understanding the concept of control in a relationship, my first grand adventure in analyzing the subtle behaviors we use to elicit the desired behaviors out of our mates.

Sure, women may use a little sex or emotion to wrest control in a relationship now and then, but their efforts pale in comparison to the legions of personal ads WWHM receives every week from guys like Hugh, the author of today's featured ad.

Like many men, he takes the concept of control to whole new level.

Let's critique ...

I've never personally attempted to lord over my girlfriends with the grip of an iron fist. I always figured I could find easier subjects to control; the weather, tides, or perhaps the rotation of purely theoretical planets. If I truly want to control something, I'll rent a forklift.

But sometimes we find jack-offs like Hugh, an impotent circus monkey perched upon his tiny apple cart, demanding your attention by aggressively clasping his little monkey cymbals and hurling stale clumps of digital feces in the form of an online personal ad. He wants access to that "sweet honeypot" between your legs, which might help explain why women currently find themselves stuffing their vaginas with bees. You're an asshole, Hugh; if death threats were orgasms, I'd be passing out cigarettes.

Most men can acknowledge the inherent irony of trying to control a woman; the more you try to control her behavior, the more you encourage the exact behavior you're trying to control. It's like trying to control an advancing shark by threatening it with a sack full of plump, delicious kittens; you think you're gaining control of the situation, but in reality you're only making it worse. Hugh, however, is one of those guys who at least acknowledges up front his desire to rule over his sexual partner with an iron fist. Ironic, considering his main sexual partner will be the exact iron fist with which he plans to rule.

Hugh complains he spent the past few years perfecting the "nice and courteous" approach in an attempt to attract a woman. During his unsuccessful campaign for a girlfriend, I'm sure Hugh would assure us he was always on his best behavior; he only boiled their pets in bottled water, he used wholly biodegradable explosives to detonate their cars, and he even showed his softer side by folding their restraining orders into a variety of thoughtful, decorative origami swans.

Yet strangely, Hugh found himself running into the same excuses every time he asked for a second date. "I'm doing my hair," or "I'm having dinner with my parents" or "I'm tied to a brick at the bottom of a remote lake." Hugh might know a lot of guys in the CIA, but looking at his personal ad I'm pretty sure this online assassination of his penis was an inside job. Hopefully he has room to maneuver a one-inch coffin inside his toughypants.

Failing at the nice approach, our resident lardass wants to put his foot down, and it sounds like it's going to end up on your neck. Hugh demands, of all things, a woman who "doesn't look down on others", a woman who has no contact with any men or emotional friends, and most importantly, he wants a hot "three input girl" so he can slide something "fat and long" into any hole he wants. So apparently, Hugh plans to pull his head out of his own ass and shove it into yours.

Let's face the facts about controlling assclowns: No matter what you do, you will never appease them.

You may have been a virgin when you met, but as you soon as you start dating a controlling guy, he'll convince himself you're a common strumpet, fucking every co-worker, bartender, barge-operator and gay hairdresser you come into contact with. The minute he loses sight of you, he thinks your vagina swings open like a Price Is Right prize door, revealing a red carpet and a rotating spotlight to illuminate the clouds, enticing all available men inside with flashy fliers promising free toasters and a 20 oz. fountain drink.

You could install a Lo-Jack on your clit, a Viper alarm in your fallopian tubes, and allow him move into your uterus with nothing but a periscope, a breathing straw and a cellphone, and he'd still spend his entire day suckling your ovaries, sending email death threats to your vibrator, and hiring hitmen to pump bullets into your dildos.

And despite all this, he still wouldn't trust you.

And to think, this guy wants your hand in marriage.

Funny, I've never been to a wedding where the bride wears cement shoes and a wedding ring on her toe with a tag attached for her name, address and date of expiration.

Edit From WWHM:

This post originally contained a third anecdote which I initially thought somewhat related to my post. After getting relentlessly and completely blasted by people in my personal life (and I hear I'm currently getting blasted in the comments as well) for posting it, I realized I stray way too far from the purpose of WWHM sometimes.


If I want to keep a fucking dear diary, I need to visit the Barbie section of my local Target and buy myself a nice little ruffled number with a fucking duck on it.

I guess my original intention was just to show I'm not perfect and we all get what's due us. Unfortunately it wasn't funny and that's what you guys are here for, not my pathetic hypothesizing about shit. From now on, I'll leave the personal shit out of WWHM, and stick to the meat and potatoes of why you're here. Bad personal ads. Comedy. Or at least an attempt at comedy.


Originally I had owned up to cheating and getting cheated on, and invited readers to share their stories of catching their significant others cheating, so that's what you'll read in the comments aside from the apparent bashing of myself.


I'll leave it where I left off ....

In the comments today, we'd like you to follow suit and tell us exactly how you found out about a cheating partner. Feel free to include the nasty details.

Let 'er rip!

267 comments:

1 – 200 of 267   Newer›   Newest»
sflanagan said...

Damn, Weasie.

Sometimes karma's a bitch, huh?

I actually had one BF confess to me that he'd been cheating, when things weren't adding up. He said he couldn't 'help himself', because the young woman threw herself at him.

Don't know if I believe that or not, because he was very attractive, charming, and could fuck like a crazed mink.

I couldn't be angry at the girl, but I sure as hell wanted to tack his hide to the wall, since I'm all about monogamy with a committed partner.

Not to say I'm a saint, because I'm not. I've done my fair share of dating multiple men, but they always knew I was seeing someone else up front, and once I decided on being exclusive, all the playing around ended.

If you cheat on your partner, you deserve whatever shit you get once they find out. And they will. It's not a question of IF, it's a question of WHEN.

Which makes me wonder why so many married people cheat. Single people are fucked up emotionally when their cheating ways are discovered, but married people have so much more to lose like their homes, children, finances, etc.

Mack Truck said...

So you're a man. We already knew that.

Do I condone that you cheated on all your girlfriends prior to Kelly? Fuck no! You were an assbucket to do that, and hurt women who didn't deserve it.

Life showed you what it was like to be cheated on, so now you know what it feels like. Empathy is a good thing. Growing up and learning to be a man helps too!

Rdallyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Weasel said...

lesson learned the hard way

Mack Truck said...

P.S.--Hugh's a jackass.

Any woman who would agree to his 'terms' deserves whatever shit sandwich she gets from him, because she's too stupid to be allowed out in public without a guardian, anyway.

Maryann said...

You know, he had me at one - he really did, because that's resonable. And then From #2 ON he was just a dick.

Please.

Yes, happen to be a woman and all, but PLEASE... you can't think you DESERVE a totally smoking hot woman just because. And he thinks he deserves no less than one because.... why?

EXACTLY.

And he sounds like my mother with using "I know people" against someone as a reason for what? NEVER breaking up with him because there's absolutely NO logical reason to?

If his sisters would go after a woman, they're just as fucking ass crazy as HE is thank you very much.

And he has put people int he ground for doing something? Someone should be REPORTING his ass to the FBI and CIA and shit.

Also..

Duh, you've done stupid shit. Yes, you're a man but that's not WHY you cheated on every single girlfriend up until this Kelly... you did it because some people just do it and don't tend to give a fuck.

It seems you've learned your lesson and it is still an entertaining blog.

Hope you're enjoying your work outside of the blog! (yes, I'm random)

DothNotWisdomCryOut said...

What makes me saddest is this guy's poor writing skills. On his list of things he WANTS are indecisiveness and a shitty personality? He's just a complete tool and an idiot. He says he 'deserves' a smoking hot woman but gives us no clue why. What has he ever done that's so great? And isn't there more to a woman than being 'smoking hot'?

potsherds said...

I kinda feel sorry for the girls out there who have thanked you for being a 'good guy'. It seems rather obvious to me that only a guy who's been there and done that could really slam asshats the way you do. Imo, any guy that doesn't own up to the fact that men are pigs is being dishonest. I appreciate that you're honest on that front, Weas. :p

The level of openness and honesty that you're capable of in posts like this one is truly remarkable. I salute you for that. Keep up the hilarious good work on this blog. :)

Mack Truck said...

Let's be fair ladies, women can be douchebags too.

Was Weasie a shithead? Oh yeah, and karma bit him in his ass because of it. Good!

The fact that he actually learned a lesson on how NOT to treat women makes him a lot better than the guys who learn nothing.

XsilverXspursX said...

i got a call from a friend one night who told me that my now ex ex ex ex ex ex ex ex-bf called her and confessed to her that he had gotten some "summer luvin."

SweetPea said...

I was just in the process of leaving my husband when I hooked up with the biologist.

By his own admission he was a cheater... but I though (stupidly) that I could reform him. I know, I know. It's a girl thing... we always think we can fix it.

Anyway, we had been dating for about 6 months (living together for 3 months) when I was cleaning the house one day and found his journal. He's the sensitive, academic kind that liked to write everything down.

Anyway, I picked it up expecting to see how wonderful he felt about me, ect., ect... instead it said how unsure he was and how that he was "thinking" of breaking off the sex with his ex because things "might" be getting serious between us.

I came unglued. Literally...

I called him up on his cell and demanded to know if he had been cheating. When he asked what had brought that up, of course I lied. After all, I couldn't admit that I had read his journal. Ended up staying with him for a few more months, but I never trusted him and got completely crazy whenever he was out of the house.

It was a mess. The only saving grace is that he was amazing in bed. Too bad he was in everyone else's bed too.

Cortnee said...

I really enjoy your humor and style of writing. Thanks for letting me read your blog.

I found out that my ex was cheating on me when I received our join cell phone bill and it was over $700. The same numbers were listed over and over again. So I called one of the numbers and a woman with an abrasive voice anwered the phone. I asked her how she knew Theo and she said "Oh your his soon to be ex-wife. Are you guys going to get divorced or what?" I said "We sure as hell are now!" She proceeded to tell me that she had been with my husband for 5 years. The same length as my marriage. Which was a lie. She also said that they were not sleeping together but "more then friends." She called me an uneducated bitch. I said excuse me? I have gone to college what is your level of education? (Not like any of this mattered. She was still a whore.) She told me that she was "beyond college." Driving past a college does not mean that you are beyond college. After I told told her to Fuck off, I called my ex and said that I had received our cell phone bill in the mail and that is was over $700. He said That's weird. I said yes it is, So I called Cindy and talked to her about it and she said that you are going to take care of this bill right away. After that, he admitted to cheating and we divorced shortly after that.
Karma is a bitch and he ended up having 2 vehicles repossessed, losing his job and filing for bankruptcy. :)

Anonymous said...

I did an experiement once. I've put an ad on CL asking to have sex with married men. I got 300 answers in about one day. Men's are pigs.

Hopefully, you leaned your lesson, maybe it was what you needed in order to become a better human.

And Hugh, dear god I know so many women with poor self esteem that would be all for it. And this is very sad.

Artemis said...

Weasel

Your honnesty is refreshing.

Hugh's: not so much as it reveals him to be devoid of self awareness in every sense of the word.

Why doesn't he just buy a soddin' sex doll? Does he really need the object of his sexual desires to be animated? Her, you know, breathing would only piss him off...


Btw

In case of both sexes, in regards to:

The whole "I couldn't help myself"

Translation:

"I just didn't fucking care about your feelings at the time..."

Possibly add:

"But now you caught me..."

Willow said...

Weas,

Most of us have regrets in the relationship department. I cringe to think of some of the stuff I said or did, and the treatment I accepted from exes. There are things in my past I can't even BEGIN to think about.

It was a loooong time ago that I had a Hugh-like boyfriend who regularly accused me of cheating, though I never did. And because I had a very low self-esteem, I accepted this abuse from him, as well as a lot of other crap.

He had developed a "friendship" with someone whom he always was very secretive about. I was in therapy by that time and knew he was not a good guy, but I didn't have the necessary self-esteem to initiate a breakup. So when I found her hair stuff at his house, or tampons that I knew weren't mine, I would ask him if he was sleeping with her, because I wanted out of the relationship.

He always denied it. Always. And stupidly, I believed him.

Then one day I caught him in a lie. It was a small lie, but it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks that if he lied about something so inconsequential, he would lie about this other woman.

I confronted him about why he had lied to me all those other times when I had voiced my suspicions, and he said, "Yes, but all those times you didn't ask the question the right way. So it was MY fault he lied to me.

I broke up with him then and there and never looked back. Two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test. And this dickhead told me that he wasn't responsible, because he was sure I had cheated on him. Projection, anyone?

Yes, he was truly pathological. He had a narcissistic personality disorder. In the asshole department, he probably even exceeded Hugh.

It's been 25-plus years and frankly, I hope he's dead. After suffering a long, painful illness, of course.

Cheri' said...

I am a really down to earth, gotta see it to believe it kind of person. So, this is doubly weird for me,...

My BF and I went on a camping vacation with friends. One evening, I was strolling along with one of my girlfriends that had gone camping with us, talking girl talk and giggling, when, out of the blue, I got this weird feeling. I stopped, thought about it, and said to my friend, "You know? Right this very minute, BF is doing something he ought not to be doing,...."

So we went looking for him; he was not at the bath house, not at the community camp fire, not in the rec center, not at the cafeteria, and not at any of our friends' camp sights. So we returned to our cabin, and waited.

He showed up about an hour later, stayed on the other side of the cabin, (no usual hello kiss,) collected some clothes, and said he needed a shower. Stranger and stranger, as it was hard enough to get him to take one shower a day, let alone 2,...

To clinch it, he wasn't interested in any sort of bed time friskiness,...

I was amazingly calm about it all. After all, I abhor a cheater, as my first husband made a habit of that. Also, there were about a thousand people around, and I didn't want to make a scene, or ruin everyone else's fun. I just sort of withdrew and bided my time.

We rode home in separate cars, I arriving home before him. Unpacked, and waited for him. When he got there, I told him, "At one of the rest stops, we ran into mutual friends. They asked me who the girl was that you spent Friday evening with." He stared at me in dread. So then I asked, "Just tell me the truth, did you at least use a condom?" His reply? yes, he did.

Busted.

Now here's the funny part,.... We never met any one at any rest stop. That was a total bluff. And he fell right into it. I had him gather his stuff and get out, and that was that. I didn't cry until he was out of earshot. And no matter how he begged and pleaded, I would not take him back. I didn't care that we had been together for two years, it was done.

And I have never regretted it!

Anonymous said...

My ex and all his friends had a long running "blue blanket" joke that I wasn't in on. It went on for so long, in front of me, I started playing along. Turns out the "blue blanket" was where my boyfriend had fucked another girl while I was upstairs. Some great friends, to joke about that in front of me and let him get away with it.

Artemis said...

Willow

I've made the virtual woodoo doll. Now, I might as well start heating up the virtual needles...

To the best of my knowledge I've never been cheated on. However, one of female friends discovered that her live in boyfriend had repeatedly cheated on her.

His cover: Visiting his imaginary,rather paranoid, mentally ill, male cousin. Offensive on so many levels, but rather clever as in why would anyone make up such a lavish lie?

How did she find out?

He eventually had an affair with their next door neighboor, who told her about it.

As my friend put in her awesome stoic way:"if it were up to him he was still living of my pay check, while fucking her.."

Rarely have anyone felt such a sense of gratitude in regards to the other woman!

Mich said...

I think I dated Hugh!

Let's see, I found out my husband was cheating when a girl called my house. Yes, girl...she was 18 and he was 32. He said they never did anything, and that she was making everything up (from the color of the sheets/comforter, to the poster of Eminem that my daughter gave me.) Clearly, this girl had missed her calling and should have been in a Dione Warwick commercial for a psychic hotline.

I pretended like I believed him, but only so I could get a day off from work to have all the locks changed.

After he *cough, cough* moved out, he also insisted he didn't cheat with the woman rented out her womb for 9 mos, when the paternity papers were sent to our house.

Weasel, it is nice to know that in your 30's, you wised up. Sad to say, two years later and my husband still hasn't learned. Thankfully he's his other baby momma's problem and not mine. (Yes the child was his!)

Kat said...

I've never been cheated on, but I was roomates with a girl who was a guy a night. It's not much fun being the one who knows all the guys the girl is sleeping with, who she is lying to, etc. I spent A LOT of time in my room when they were around because I just couldn't look them in the eye knowing she was boinking 5 other guys they didn't know about. And in situation like that you can ask all you want "why didn't you tell them?". try living with a narcissist who is bipolar in a three bedroom apartment that wasn't REALLY intended for two females (unless they are together). Not the best plan.

Anonymous41yroldmarriedwoman said...

*slides over to give Weasel a kiss* You're all forgiven, honey. Welcome home.

catwithaxeofd00m said...

You are such a great writer, you should definately write a book

MJ said...

"So apparently, Hugh plans to pull his head out of his own ass and shove it into yours."

Best line of the piece! I'm pleased to see another entry, but I gotta tell ya, Weas, it's too heavy on the autobiography. And it's WAAAAAAY too long. That's like 8 posts' worth of material. I found my attention flagging several times, particularly when the connection between the ad and your bio seemed to wane. Maybe you should stick to the humor and put the memoirs on another blog?

Nice job on finding one of the creepiest ads ever, though.

Anonymous said...

I've been cheated on more times than you can count on all your fingers, toes, and then your next door neighbor's as well. I've learned to do my best to stay away from those types of guys, but I also learned that if someone cheats there is always a reason.

I also don't believe in that saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" crap.

I cheated. My ex boyfriend was a psychotic letter from men gone suicidal and murder spree. He sent me death threats in the mail, on the phone, emails... Sent those creepy stalker photos of you doing aimless things in the day (ie: getting into your car). Hell, he even sent me some of my family and friends! All because I didn't want to cuckold him (for those who don't know, it is when the guy is supposed to remain faithful while the girl goes out and fucks everything that has a dick. The guy gets punished for acting out - and even raped).

Around that time I met my current boyfriend. He was everything my ex wasn't. Nice, willing to pay for my dinner and movie.. You get the idea.

Anyways, I started hitting it off with my (now) boyfriend and we started getting serious. I fell for him hard, and tried to break up with my (now) ex. That's when I started receiving death threats to friends as family and the photos of my friends and family.

I went three months saying to each other that I was only theirs before I cracked and told both of them - It helped that my (now) ex lived across the country while my BF lived locally.

The shit hit the roof, and my BF had to get involved with the threats. Needless to say, he has a lot of serious and scary contacts. Two days later after my BF contacted him, my ex stopped. Until recently.

I just got a fricking creepy email from him the other day. "I forgot how beautiful you are. I was going through my computer and found some of your old pictures. One day you to be mine once more. If not willingly then forcefully."

Sara said...

Ack, I forgot to add (I'm the Anon above) that even to this day I regret cheating on my ex and my boyfriend. I was young and stupid and thought there was no way for me to get out of it.

But, I would never cheat again. I never got sexual with either of them. I was a virgin until my 1 year anniversary with my boyfriend - so 9 months after I broke up with my ex.

I'll never do that again, I'm happily with my soul mate now.

Ary said...

6 years ago I got together with a guy I thought was a total sweetheart. Thoughtful, considerate, attractive- his only flaw I noticed at that time is that he was somewhat needy. He had to call me multiple times per day. Not to check where I was or who I was with (he rarely asked) but just to talk to me. I thought things were great- until one day when he initiated a huge discussion on how I didn't trust him.

I did have some terrible experiences- he knew that much, but I really didn't want to talk about it. This became more and more of an issue for him, that I did not trust him enough. The whole thing ended in a huge argument where he broke it off because "if you can't trust me, this relationship can't move forward". He left me with considerably less self-esteem and a lot of questions about what was wrong with me.

Six months later, I was visiting a mutual friend's house, and we were looking through a bunch of old pictures of places me, my ex, and a bunch of friends had gone to together. One picture came up of a party I hadn't gone to- and off to the side of the picture was my boyfriend- his tongue halfway down the throat of a random girl, and one hand up her shirt.
I finally realized he'd been playing mind games with me all along, cheating on me, while making me feel like something was wrong with me for not trusting him.

I talked to more mutual friends and finally heard all the stories about if I wasn't there, he'd hit on anyone until he found a willing girl. More than a few who had no interest in him said he'd come up behind them and just wrap his arms around their waists and start whispering dirty things in their ears. Some more than once.

I was outraged, I'd never misjudged anyone this badly before- or since. I had my revenge though. He'd gotten a new girlfriend not long after me, and I managed to find several recent pictures of him cheating, and e-mailed them to her.

Hannah the Fish said...

2 1/2 years into a relationship I did a four week study abroad program in Russia, getting daily emails from the guy about how much he loved me and couldn't wait to see me.

When I got home and asked him what he'd done while I was gone, he said "two girls"

when I got mad he said that we were "on break" and "you were in a different country, you could've been cheating on me."

Sadly, I let that go on for another six months

Calantha said...

Never been cheated on, and I didn't cheat on either of the guys I was with so far. Well, I came close with the first, but distance, the possibility of meeting someone who was not quite stable, plus my logical side kicking in kept me from doing so. Something like that, I could let go. Outright cheating, hell no.

And you know what struck me about Hugh's admission to having friends all over the world? I bet he'd fuck any girls he knows from those places, while demanding complete fidelity on your part. No thanks.

Jessica said...

'I know people in the u.k.'

This is my favourite, ever.

WE BRITS ARE SCARY MOTHERFUCKERS!

I (very) recently broke up with a, (I hesitate to say man), due to his philandering ways. Apparently I shouldn't have been bothered as it 'didn't change the way he feels about me'. Welcome to the real world.

So glad you've updated Weas, long time reader yadda yadda, this nugget of joy was just perfect.

Christina said...

So Buddy wants an educated woman, but immediately confuses "your" with "you're."

Fail.

Eccentric_Lady said...

Funny, I've never been to a wedding where the bride wears cement shoes and a wedding ring on her toe with a tag attached for her name, address and date of expiration.

Weasel, how sad and how true unfortunately...

Glad to see you back.)

Mich said...

"I look forward to talking with all of you women out there and hopefully one of you can be my potential soulmate and make beautiful babies." I think the whack-a-ho who said she's the mother of MJ's kids, might be looking for an "unofficial fiance". She needs to get with Hugh.

Anonymous said...

Google auto-completion on the family computer pulled up a search for whether she could be pregnant from a certain behavior.. and I've had a vasectomy.

On_My_High_Horse said...

6000 words about yourself?

Wow, no wonder you've been gone OVER A MONTH.


Seriously, make a new blog if you want to test out material for your autobiography.

Some totally loved it because it gave THEM a chance to write their own too-long stories about being cheated on.

After reading the pathetic stories that drone on and on, I understand why you've all been cheated on, I would too.

I used to love this blog. Now I'm deleting this from my RSS feed. Enjoy this circle jerk session you've all got going here.

Sara said...

On My High Horse:

Wow, here you are, saying that now YOU understand why some of us were cheated on. Yet, you have such a little life enough to actually count how many words Weasel wrote? And if you actually did read what he wrote, you would notice at the end he asked for all the not-so-nice juicy details of any story.

At least the people who were cheated on have been getting some. :)

Anonymous said...

One day I came home and caught my own reflection in a mirror.

"you've cheated on me" I said to myself.

"yes" I replied

I then proceeded to burst into a thousand tiny computers.

It was very weird.

Mack Truck said...

High Horse, apparently you don't understand how blogs work.

The owner of the blog gets to post about anything he/she wants, whether or not YOU find it interesting or amusing. If you don't, then by all means don't let the door hit you on the way out.

There are literally thousands of blogs on the interwebz, and you're welcome to whichever ones take your fancy.

I cheat on Weasie; his is not the only blog I read. Gasp!!!!

You're taking this FAR too seriously, dude/dudette. It's just a blog.

Go out and ride that high horse of yours, and get off the damned computer until you can regain a sense of humor. That is, if you've ever had one.

Anonymous said...

I have to say, while I love reading this blog, I'm not sure it's good for me! It makes me so depressed. Really, are there ANY decent guys out there? If there are, they must be very rare--and already taken, of course.

I did all the right things, at least I thought I did. Broke up quickly with guys who showed abusive/controlling tendencies, avoided losers and "bad boys," and married a sweet, gentle Catholic boy--like me, a virgin at the time. I loved him wholeheartedly. Would a guy like that cheat on me?

Yes, he would, and he did, after 12 years of marriage and 2 kids. Now we're divorced. Life's a bitch.

Anonymous said...

My ex-boyfriend, Wes, my skanky, 40-year old ex-coworker and I were all hanging out at my house drinking vodka... I passed out first, and he fucked her in my living room (and bathroom) while I was unconscious in my room. The next morning, I found part of a condom wrapper under the couch, called them on it, and they DENIED it... even though I knew it had happened. I hope that fucker gets some painful clap or some shit.

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah- Wes tried to hide the used condom in the kitchen trash, and had the gall to suggest she MOVE IN with us.

MJ said...

To Mack Truck:

"The owner of the blog gets to post about anything he/she wants, whether or not YOU find it interesting or amusing."

Definitely true. And I will come back for Weasel's humor. But like On_My_High_Horse, I thought this post was ridiculously long and focused more on rather dull autobiography than Weasel's trademark humor. Any good blogger wants feedback, right? To hear what works for readers and what doesn't? I don't think anyone's questioning a blogger's "right" to post whatever he/she wants - at least, I'm not. Just trying to offer some constructive criticism of what is not working for this long-time reader. Looooooooong and often unfunny posts like this are not the reason I read humor blogs.

casualencounters.com/blog said...

Worth the wait.

Lone Wolf said...

So, you know what, Weasel? You've cheated. I've cheated. I've cheated on every damn man I ever dated except the one I married. I've been cheated on, too. So be it. The main point I want to make is - I really like your writing. It catches my interest and makes me want to continue reading the story. And I am an Olympic-class reader so there you go. Please write a book. I would happily add it to the 4,000+ I currently own. Thanks for the great read.

JumpIt said...

Aww, Weas you're back! *hugs*

I agree; this was so worth the wait :)

teague said...

Once upon a time, when I was a wee lass of 15, and in Junior High, I attracted the attentions of a 20 year old. Yeah, I can hear the groans and face palms already.

They say you'll never get over your first love? I would agree this is true, because in my case it would take climbin gear and oxygen tanks, like getting over Mt Rushmore. My first ex looked a lot like Fat Bastard's younger brother. I. Wish. I. Was. Kidding. Like Weas, when I was a young thing, I was nerdy, horny, and convinced I was unlovable. This guy came along, and dispite being 5 years older, and 150 pounds heavier, he was my Prince Charming. I had a boyfriend. An *older* boyfriend. The sort of thing that lends cachet when you're in Jr. High. I was too ignorant and innocent to realize that there is a reason a 20 year old man would prefer a 15 year old girl, particularly one that had never had a boyfriend before. Yep, while I had things in common with Weas, my ex had things in common with Hugh. A need for control that went off the charts.

At first it was a "concern for my safety." I did live in a bad neighborhood. It was manditory for me to stay on the phone with him from the time I got home from school, to the time my mother came home from second shift. So nearly 8 hours on the phone every day when we weren't together. I grew to often lie and say she was home when she wasn't.

He picked rediculous fights. Not even the "You're cheating" fight. Fights over who'd win in a fight, a dragon or a unicorn.

But things really ramped up when he decided I was no longer allowed to talk to any other males. This was not so hard in my all female Jr. High, but I'd be getting out of that soon, and highschool had all kinds of boys! What if one had to be my lab partner. What if one asked for a pencil. I was warned that if he found out about it, he'd pound that boy to mush.

I began to think my boyfriend was a problem. I tried breaking up with him, and he cried, literally cried, and begged me to stay. Remember, 15 almost 16, and stupid. I stayed, and was rewarded with a redoubled effort to keep me in check. Like Hugh, my ex had powerful friends. Friends who would take time out of their busy schedule of national security and crime fighting to keep tabs on me because my ex was special!

All told I spent my summer trying to dump him, and having him draw me back. Once it was a marriage proposal. Another time he flat out threatened my Mom. This was before the days of restraining orders and stalker laws. I saw him put his fist through his own windshield.

Pause on that for a moment.

I was in my room, not on the phone with him for a change, stressing out at the idea that he would soon expect me to call. I was having a panic attack. Suddenly, out of the mire of my anxiety came a little inner voice. The voice told me that he was full of shit, the reasons why, and how I should stop being afraid of this moron.

When I called him I announced that we were done. Full stop. He pulled out every trick in the book. He cried. I was unmoved. He announced he had an engagement ring. I told him to take it back. He threatned. I grew pissed, and told him if anything happened to my mother, I'd tell the cops where to go, and I'd end up staying with my father, who lived in Colorado, an address he didn't have. He finally threatned to end his own life. I could hear pills rattling in the background. Already irate from being threatned, I told him my one regret in that whole thing was not being there to watch him die. And I swore to wear red to his funeral, dance a fandango on his fresh grave, piss on his headstone, and finally kick it over. He went silent. I'll never forget his next words. So soft, and so ironically rediculous. "You're serious, aren't you?"

I replied that I was. I told him to stay away from me. Perhaps amazingly he did. Maybe he sensed that my journey to the Dark Side was complete with the sentiment that I regretted being unable to watch him die. As an amusing footnote, his next girlfriend ended up being my college room mate. She dumped him to become a nun.

Julia M said...

I love the long posts, weas, keep it up!

Hugh sounds like the sort of man who will shortly move from WWHM to PLFM.

Anonymous said...

Christina:

This is exactly why he's looking for an educated woman! He needs someone to do his editing!

Oh, cheaters. This brings up some fun memories. I found out my bf fo2 years was cheating on me when a friend found his engagement announcement in the local paper. His parents drew the whole thing up as an engagement gift surprise!

It was one hell of a surprise, I'll tell you that!

The woman he was engaged to was the woman he dated prior to me. Guess they hooked back up about 1.5 years into our relationship.
When that engagement fell through, he decided I was his soulmate and wouldn't leave me alone. 6 years and 3,000 miles later, he still pops up from time to time.

Anonymous said...

To MJ

So you're going to put words into the Weas' mouth? Did he ask for criticism directly? Believe it or not, not everyone enjoys being told what you think they did wrong, especially when it suggests blog restructuring ("put this in a different blog"). And I thought you said it was funny- now it's dull? "WAAAAY" "dull" and "unfunny" are HARDLY "constructive". Please, don't discourage actual honesty. The Weas is one of the few honest bloggers (even men) some women ever see. Which is nice after the bullshit in the ads. I didn't see a story from you on here, which how the Weas actually opened the floor.

Anonymous said...

Woke one night to hear my then-husband and a friend talking in the living room of our tiny apartment. Husband was bragging about doing his old girlfriend (who lived in the same apt. building) while I was at work. With my 5 year old at home. The first month after we'd married.

That wasn't the first time I'd caught him cheating on me, but it was the last. No way I could excuse that one.

Hjorrdis said...

Too long weas. I miss the short and sweet. Especially since short and sweet comes 'round faster.

Anonymous said...

How many ways do men cheat?
. Having sex with someone else (but he didn't really - honest!)
. Having a love affair with the bottle
. Having a love afair with drugs
. Flirting with other girls in front of you
. Perving & commenting to you how he'd like to fuck the girl walking down the street
. A friend who happens to be female lap danced on him at a party and she then tells me their just friends
. All of the above
. I'm divorced now :-)

Willow said...

While we're hating on Hugh and his awful grammar:

1.) You have to have the following, Car, Job, and of at least graduated high school. If your a dropout, then please do us a favor, kill yourself.

It's "and HAVE at least graduated." I hate it when people confuse "have" and "of", like "should of" instead of the correct "should've" or "should have."

This is fifth-grade English, Hugh.

I look forward to talking with all of you women out there and hopefully one of you can be my potential soulmate and make beautiful babies

Hugh, to find a soulmate, one needs to HAVE a soul. You're out of luck.

Metricula said...

Cheating

My boyfriend at the time told me he was going to a wedding in New York with his mother.

That weekend, I was at a party with our mutual friends. One of our other mutual friends was also in New York visiting her aunt. I thought, "Surely not."

Alas.

He ran off to NYC with another woman but told me he was at a family wedding with his mother.


Irony:
Two summers later we went to a family wedding in New York with his mother.

Weasel: I love you. Your blog is awesome.

MJ said...

Anonymous:

Last time I checked, I wasn't putting words into Weasel's mouth. I never said he directly asked for criticism; merely that many bloggers appreciate feedback on what their dedicated readers enjoy, and what they don't. Apparently, that's more than can be said for some blog commenters.

And yes, the AD RESPONSE was funny. But the rest of it was not what I'm looking for, or what this blog used to present - Weasel's short, snappy humor is the reason I started reading it in the first place, and I do feel it's been a little lost lately. If you'd read my original comment more carefully, you'd have noted that I wasn't making blanket statements: the autobiographical section was what I called unfunny, and frankly, it was. I appreciate your attempt to defend a writer you like (and whom I do too), but snapping at someone who's just voicing an opinion isn't the way to do it.

Weasel, if you read this: I love the snarky responses. They're what hooked me. They're why I come back. The rest of it, not so much.

The Review Queen said...

Per the ad: What. An. ASS. Do not let him near me or I'll forcibly remove his reproductive organs...

Actually, introduce us. This guy needs to be the end of his line.

~

Aw, poor Weasel. Sorry, man. *hug*

G.H. said...

Jesus. Not cool man!
But you can still make a joke about it which is good.

Missed you!!


http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

I got an std (curable, thankfully). That's how I found out he was cheating...

Wildcat said...

Weasel
So nice to have you back! Interesting you named the current piece "Control" ~ I started jumping in my chair like a monkey getting electric shocks when I saw there was a new post. There was even squealing involved, but let's keep that between us, okay? =)

Katherine said...

How did I find out my ex was cheating? when we had plans for the weekend and he didn't show. The following Monday i was so ditraught at not being able to reach him all weekend, when I saw the news. He had been arrested for attempting to meet a minor girl for sex, who was not actually a minor girl but a police officer. Yes, the show we have all seen on tv. He's in prison now. I have moved on to a lovely man who has no idea how to work a computer. There's just certain kinds of trouble he has no idea how to get into.

MarciaMarciaMarcia said...

Ooh, Weasel, you've brought back bad memories.

My first boyfriend. He was considerably older than me. I was still a teenager. We'd broken up, then reconnected about a year later. About six months into round two, I realized I'd fallen in love for the first time, and it was awesome. Naturally, that meant that two days later he dumped me.

Six weeks of agony passed, and he suddenly wanted me back. I was just so happy to have him back. Two anxious and relieved weeks passed. And then I came home from work to discover my girlfriends had been frantically calling all day, each of them wanting to be the first to tell me that my guy had up and married a cute blonde. And I had to hide my despair while pretending I knew all about it and didn't care.

So much for my "friends" who only wanted to be the first one to hear me cry. And so much for my fella.

But what goes around comes around.

Twenty-five years later, he got back in touch with me. His latest wife (number five or six, who keeps count?) had kicked him to the curb. Here was MY chance. We reunited, but I was completely indifferent to his stale charms. I was blatant in my disinterest, yet he hung in there. He began pleading and whining, at which point I finally and with great satisfaction dumped his ass.

He phoned me for a solid year afterwards, begging me to give him another chance. I told him he should've never dumped me for the blond floozy.

(Satisfied sigh) It was totally worth the wait.

Dayei said...

When I first saw it on my reader, I thoguht it was wayyy too long, but I read the entire thing and actually enjoyed it. It was a little self-indulgent, but the stories were interesting, told with his signature wit, and related to control in relationships - on both sides of the coin.

So good work as always Weasel, but maybe you should trim the word count in future.

rozydesouza said...

I was playing games online however for reading this post more interesting thanks for the share please do keep it going great job....Loveing this.

Cheers,

___________________
rozy
Increase your brand popularity overnight

Anonymous said...

I dated a controlling man for several years, who used to constantly accuse me of cheating on him. I tried to leave a dozen times, but for various reasons - mostly financial, but also fear of what he'd do if I left - I couldn't get away, yet. But I was miserable with him. So I cheated, just out of curiousity. I told him I was going for a solo roadtrip to get away, and instead went to spend the weekend with this other guy. It sucked - worst sex I've ever had, and never saw or spoke to the guy again.

Later, I was 2,000 miles away studying abroad, and happened across emails between him and a co-worker discussing the wonderful evenings they'd spent together. Payback, I guess - though if you count all the other crap I put up with from him (bankruptcy, broken finger, emotional abuse, etc.), the "balance sheets" were far from even.

Then there was my (short-lived) marriage. Two nights before the wedding, his good friend - who'd previously assured me of what a wonderful guy my bf was - told me that my fiance was cheating on me. I hauled both men out to the street, only to be assured repeatedly that I'd misunderstood. I went ahead with the wedding anyway, both because it was quite possible I'd misunderstood (language barrier), and because all our friends and family were there and the wedding planned. But I couldn't trust him anymore, and hated the person I'd become - I'd never before been a jealous person. Unsurprisingly, our marriage didn't last - though even I was surprised with the short duration: 3 months!

robyn said...

Holy Fuckanoly, quite the dissertation, Weaz! (8o

Still I laughed pretty hard at Mr. Control Freak's lil' list. I guess I wouldn't make the cut. boo hoo.

El said...

Hmmm… I think I can insert a kind of “reverse billing” scenario and match your messy paranoid-about-partner-cheating story with a my-husband-is-taking-another-woman-to-a-wedding-and-I’m-too-dense-to-realize-I-should-worry story.

Sometimes if he was late getting hoem from his demanding 10 hour a week job her would say he had met her for a drink. In retospect I would assume this was an affair, or at least the start of one, and the nutless clown was probably hoping to save face (Scary Catholic in-laws) by having me make a scene and throw him out, but I certainly didn’t make that connection at the time. I just thought he was a bit of an idiot…(Mind you, two hours after he announced he was leaving I had changed the locks, so I probably had more than an inkling that I’d been screwed over!)

Anyway, off he drove in the lovely car I had just put on my credit card two weeks before, leaving me with the ten year old Accent.

The next day my mother helped me pack every single thing he owned. (She had introduced me to him, so she worked with a spectacular kind of fervour that only a loving, guilt-ridden mother could apply to ousting a spouse.)

Calling him to ask him to pick up his stuff resulted in him leaving me a week of whiney notes. He complained about me closing the joint line of credit. He complained that storing himself at his parents was inconvenient enough and, really, why couldn’t I store his stuff? He complained about the fact that the boxes were REALLY heavy and his rat-skinny arms were tired from carrying them.

Seriously?!

Asshole! Grifter! Pussy with a landing strip your momma shaved for you!

Soooo, before I married I owned my own home, a car, and a horse. Eight years later I had a house, the same car, someone else’s university loans, someone else’s car payment, and a horse…All courtesy of some chick who was smart enough NOT to let my ex move in with her.

I took a day off and went back to work. (Curiously, when my horse passed some time later I had to take TWO weeks off and get his name tatooed on my ass. Huh.)

Anyway, expensive lesson but I got it – Dating. Bad.

These days I am convent-pure and very fit (Because if you’re convent-pure you have a lot of, um, tension to work off!), and no-one I know refers to the ex by name. He is simply “PH” - Peckerhead. Although, to maintain propriety, I insist that my nieces and nephews show respect for his former position in the family – If they mention him at all they must call him “Uncle” Peckerhead...They are quite okay with that!

Don’t you just love a happy ending!

Mary said...

I was engaged to be married with this guy who was still smittened with this "Slut Mate". This girl was married but the husband shared her with "friends". My fiance was a "friend". Anyway, I was over in Saudi Arabia and was, well, let's say suspicious so I "broke" into his email account. I found a letter to Slut Mate saying how much he still loved her, it was her he was suppose to be with, and the coup de grace - Have a good life, at least one of us will.

Hmmm, ok, I can smell the coffee, dumped his sorry ass and had the best time of my life with my Desert Mate.

The ex? Slut Mate dumped him and he settled for someone else.

Did he ever find out about my "break in"...yes, a year later, as he tried to weasel (sorry Wes) his way back into my life, I told him. He started to cry and asked for my forgiveness...I told him I forgave him a long time ago because he lost the best thing that ever walked into his life.

Marie said...

I support the notion of you writing a book :)
I've been reading both your blogs for quite a while (though this is the first time I've ever bothered to comment) and your writing is brilliant.

bella said...

I've never cheated on anyone, but I did have a brief affair with someone who was in a very serious relationship. Not married, not engaged, but in a serious committed relationship.

I only regret it because he turned out to be a dick. It's not my job to keep other women's boyfriends faithful.

Rhya said...

I was in an open relationship, so "seeing" other people was allowed. We only had to tell each other.

I started to get suspicious when I would call him and he was rushing me off the phone. I understand people get busy, but we had a system of calling each other every night to tuck each other in, maybe a little phonesex, whatever.

Nope, rushed off the phone. And I just had a feeling. He wasn't telling me about any flings, and that wasn't like him.

Couple weeks later there were a bunch of pictures up on facebook of him making out with this chicky.

The stupid part was it was an OPEN relationship! All he had to do was tell me about it!

Brandy said...

"2.) Smoking Hot - Yes I said it, i'm not the best looking guy, but i'm sick and tired of going after less than what I deserve."

Reminds me of an episode of "Skins". Kid looking to get laid, and has a theory. Go 2 points lower than yourself. Guarantee they'll LOVE the attention, and give you a fling! He's a "7", so looks for a "5". Success!!

This guy, however, should probably advertise on alt.com, since it seems he's a bit dom!

Missed you, Weasel!!

This Girl said...

I liked this blog a lot better when it was funny. :(

It's like you don't even need to use the personals as a starting point anymore. The ads are hardly addressed amidst the autobiographical tirades.

The personal stories are well-written and somewhat interesting, but they SEVERELY detract from the humor that drew most of the readers to the blog. I know that everyone's gonna jump down my throat for saying this, but maybe you should put them on another blog.

As it stands, I'm deleting WWHM's RSS as well. It started losing its spark around March or so, but seeing how the loyal readers attack fans who suggest that Weasel is anything less than perfect is pretty much the last nail in the coffin for me. If the blog's new direction isn't turning readers away fast enough, you guys are certainly helping it along.

Anonymous said...

What? These long posts are amazing; because of this blog the internet just got infinitely smarter.

Kookaburra said...

I don't think I've ever been cheated on, but then I tend to break things off the minute it starts going sour, or I get bored, whichever comes first, LOL.

Anonymous said...

I've never been cheated on, but I have fucked a few men who were in relationships with other women. I totally knew they were with somebody and I still did them.

Last summer a few friends and I went to this beautiful lake and partied at this couple(ron and lacey)'s house. I straight up drank a mickey of whiskey while we zipped around the lake on their speedboat. When we got back, Ron went zipping into the house. A few minutes later I asked if I could use the bathroom. As I entered the house, Ron came out of the bathroom completely naked. I whistled at him and he threw on a towel, but we sat around and flirted for a bit. He kept trying to peek under my bikini top but finally everybody else came inside the house.

One of my friends said that the whole time we were inside everybody outside was all uncomfortable, like they could tell something was going on between us. I didn't care, and I lied and said I just had to go #2. I slipped him my cell number and the next day he came over to my town and picked me up. We went out to the bar and he rented out a hotel room and we fucked like crazy.

Guys are dicks. But so are chicks. His girlfriend and I were pretty friendly to eachother and I knew they were going to get engaged but I still did it anyway.

Monogamy is hard.

Anonymous said...

Had a completely predictable discovery with a girl I dated in college. We had been going out for what I want to say was a little over a month, and to be honest it should have been much less than what I had ballooned it to be in my head. Somehow I had created this lush jungle paradise of love and trust in a girl I literally met at a shitty art show and whom my first thoughts concerning were "You have really bad breath."

The real problem was that I had exiled myself from dating for a good nine months prior. A long term relationship had gone incredibly, horrifically sour and I had realized that I was not mature enough by a longshot to handle an "adult" relationship. At 19 years old. Oh yeah, real fucking brilliant.

Which is why my self-improvement gremlin stayed my confusion when she referred to her last boyfriend as her current boyfriend the first time. There we were, walking down the street with our hands sweatily cleft together like some sort of Martha Stewart build-a-birdhouse, and she started talking about her boyfriend. I remember thinking, "Well that's probably me." It wasn't. And it happened a lot.

Eventually Thanksgiving break rolled around. I saw her off at the airport, one out of two of the last sentences she said to me referring to her ex. While I had been blinded to the thought of ending yet another relationship, I was not blinded to what was about to transpire. I had been cheated on twice prior, both in much longer and under much more brutal circumstances. Which is why it didn't hurt, per se. What it did was fester, a virus that raged quietly inside my brain. I spent Thanksgiving with friends, and I didn't enjoy myself. I knew that somewhere, in another state, there was some shameful reunion fucking going on.

She came back and I said nothing. Picked her up from the airport and we continued dating. She still talked about him, though now it was more frequent and more passionate, and finally she confronted me over the phone. Crying. Because this was very hard for her. Extremely hard. It was probably in the room with her, being hard.

Something snapped that day. I gently talked her down, said a calm goodbye, and put down the receiver. Nine months of careful self-analysis and observation, and all I drew from it was that I had changed, and THEY, women, had not.

So, being 19 years old and disgusted, both with myself and my ex-beau, I immediately went out began screwing anything that would say yes. Chivalry, in my mind, had drowned in the bottom of shallow puddle. And in the process I had become what I despised the most: a giant fucking douchebag.

Awesome.

Anonymous said...

I didn't cheat on my ex, but that's not the way he'd tell the story. He'd say that (a full year after we broke up) I slept with a gay man and his boyfriend, whilst having a man on the side.

This wasn't entirely true, I did sleep with a bi man with a boyfriend, having chatted with his boyfriend and confirmed that he knew about and was ok with my having a fling. I never actually slept with the boyfriend himself.

Shortly after this I started seeing someone seriously and we're still together.

Besides, I thought that after a breakup the other person has no say in who I allow to see me naked. But if I'm wrong I'd like to lodge a complaint about him hooking up with my best friend at a party three days after the breakup.

Necie said...

I've been the other woman at least four times. Twice I didn't know they were taken, but it made me realise how common cheaters are, and what men would do for some 'carrot cake'. For another, I made the excuse that I'd been sleeping with the guy since before he finally settled down, but we kept sleeping together for another two years.

The last one was actually the man of an old friend of mine. Only that one has been weighing on me ever since.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Rhya, that's what I don't get. I understand that most men would not willingly choose monogamy. They're just not wired that way. But when you have an open relationship, and you say "just don't lie to me," why do they still lie? I mean, even when you haven't freaked out in the past about them being with someone else. That is the weird part for me. Monogamy may be hard but apparently being honest is way harder.

I just think many men and women do not have it in them to be monogamous and an incredible amount of drama is caused by them making promises they can't keep because it's expected of them, or they are nagged into it. There has to be a better way.

Mack Truck said...

For those of you who don't like the longer posts, you're certainly entitled to your opinions.

I started reading this blog for Weasie's fierce intelligence, and the way he puts things. Not necessarily for the humor, although that is a big part of his writing.

Not everything is going to be chuckleicious, and Weasie's stated that more than once.

I enjoy his long posts because it gives us a glimpse into the person he is, and what made him that way. His style of writing is easy, interesting, and fun to read.

Seriously, if you don't like the way the blog is going, you don't have to stay. There are some of us who like it just fine.

really now? said...

I work for the FBI and have friends who work for other agencies. Trust me, you do not have friends with us.

Anonymous41yroldmarriedwoman said...

fugly said

"I just think many men and women do not have it in them to be monogamous and an incredible amount of drama is caused by them making promises they can't keep because it's expected of them, or they are nagged into it. There has to be a better way."

Amen sista. I've been the cheater and the cheatee... people cheat because there is something missing. Sometimes it's something missing in the relationship itself, and often it is something missing from within the cheater. This is not a recent phenomenon.

Anonymous said...

Brandy wrote:

"This guy, however, should probably advertise on alt.com, since it seems he's a bit dom!"

Ugh, no! There's a difference between being a dom and an asshole. This guy just hates women. For a dom, or at least a good one, it's all fun and games designed to increase the excitement for both parties.

Anonymous said...

How about leaving the commentary to relevant stories? The arguing really does take away from Weasel's humor. I'm a loyal reader, and I enjoy the blog, even if the posts are long. It's the comments page that is suffering here with all the criticism and sniping, not the blog.

Karen said...

and?....hope you dumped her ass, pronto

I caught my Bf cheating when his other girlfriend (married, btw) called six times one night. He was away on vacation and coming home that evening and I had the key because I was moving in. I'd already given up the house I had rented and had a week to get my things out. While he was away, I began moving some of the lighter stuff in so I wouldn't be overwhelmed when moving day arrived. The stupid assclown must've wanted to get caught because he left the message recording on speaker, so I heard everything she said, right down to the graphic description of the new underwear she planned to model for him. Now I'd had hints, but being a naive little idiot, I ignored them...things like the VS undies found under the bed (he said they were old from years ago), and the constant phrase, kiddingly delivered "a rabbit's gotta have two holes". It was an ongoing joke, to the point where I even bought a cute little stuffed bunny to hang on the closet door. Like I said, I was naive (appallingly stupid). Finally getting sick of listening to her porno messages, I picked up the phone on the sixth call and using my best customer service voice, asked her if she wanted to leave a message. The dumbass bitch left her name and phone number, which I promptly googled to find out her address, and her husband's name. When shitbag returned home, I gave him a big hug and said "I missed you so much....and so did Gail". The sick look that came over him and the body stiffening was some level of satisfaction. I walked out that night, but sad to say, I went back to him after he promised to never see/speak to her again (strenghthened by my threat to reveal their affair to the hubby). After I caught him talking to her, and he swore to my face it wasn't her, I finally left. Wasted 5 years with that assbag

Karen said...

Oh, and Hugh's a jerkoff of the highest order

No honeypots for him

And yes, sad to say, there will probably be a few responders who think this is a real man's man

Welcome back, Weas, and glad karma bit you back before it was too late and you became permanently douchey

This blog more than makes up for the bs you pulled

Anonymous said...

Best friends, other friends, all warned me of his infidelity. Another one of my "dates" I found out through one of my friends witnessing it.

I promptly had sex with one (unprotected) then had the other eat me out an hour later.

I was crazy back then.

SupportHumaneSlaughter said...

fuglyhorseoftheday:

you arent single because good men are hard to find, you are single because you are an animal rights whacko who collects cats and proclaims to be an expert on how everyone should treat their animals. Typical AR hypocrite. The good men don't want you and you don't want the men who'd put up with your "crazy cat lady" life. you have even managed to ruin your blog, what used to be important and informative, is now radical and ridiculous. not only do you run off men, you run off people who would HELP your cause if you hadnt decided that Animal Rights was your calling. Lets be honest, you shut down the comments on your blog due to all the criticism you are receiving...very justified, I might add. Like most AR nuts, you are cutting off your nose to spite your face and all the support you once got from us ANIMAL WELFARE people is steadily declining. Nice work.

weas glad for the new post, though all the ass kissing about your return is rather nauseating and if I were you, I'd moisturize your ass before it gets chapped from all those lips rubbing on it.

Barb said...

Beautifully written, Weasel.

I too used to cheat on every guy I dated until my mid-twenties, and ironically the first guy I was ever faithful to had another girlfriend for two of the three years we were together. Luckily we had been broken up for a few months when I found out. He had left the woman he was living with to date me (warning sign #1) and even though they kept in touch he never told her he had a new girlfriend (me). We used to argue because I thought she deserved to know about me, and about a year into the relationship he stopped mentioning her. I figured she found a new boyfriend and had stopped calling him, but this was only partly true. You guessed it, they had gotten back together. I have no idea how she never caught wind of me: he spent six nights a week at my place and I had to demand my one night to myself. All that time he told her he had turned off the phone to have time to write! (yes, he was a tortured artist.) After I found out about her I contacted her and her world was turned upside down: I at least knew she existed, but she had no clue of the three year, serious relationship he'd been having all that time. The worst part? She took him back. They lived together for a while before things finally fell apart for good.

It may sound strange, but he and I are friends today. He taught me how it felt to be cheated on, and honestly we never should have dated in the first place. We were much better as friends, and like I said I was very lucky to find out only after the relationship died of natural causes.

Again, beautifully written post.

Lex said...

"No one cries because of a fart."

Classic, Weasel.

In response to the posters who have complained about the lack of overt comedy in some of Weasel's recent writings, I must agree with Mack Truck that I enjoy reading this blog so much because of the intelligence Weasel's writing conveys. It's so rare to encounter someone with as witty a writing style as he has, and that, more than the wise-cracks at the personal ads (although I enjoy them greatly) is what keeps me coming back. Was this recent post a little long? Yes. But, having just finished it, I think it's one of his best writings, even if it is more introspective than the others.

woodgirl said...

Weasel, I love the direction you are taking with your blog! Please don't listen to the ones that don't like it anymore, the autobiographical stuff is witty and hilarious! I want to hear more.

Mack Truck said...

@SupportHumaneSlaughter

Please take your catfighting with FHOTD somewhere else, please.

Seems like you're just pissed off you can't bitch at her on her own blog, now that the comments have been turned off.

I don't agree with Fugly's stance on animal 'rights' versus welfare, or her being so rabidly anti-slaughter, but she's spot on with most of her posts regarding abuse, neglect, and downright asshattedness of the individuals featured on her blog.

Your personal attacks on her make YOU look like the crazy person, not her.

woodgirl said...

I find it very hard to stay monogamous in a relationship apparently.
After reading this post I started thinking about my previous relationships. I've cheated in nearly all of them.
In the one I didn't cheat in, the guy cheated on me. I ended it with him because he felt the need to confess to me, even though it was just a one-time, drunken thing with a girl I don't know. Whiney coward just wanted to get it off his chest because of the guilt. In combination with the cheating that basically made me loose all respect for him.

I am now in a ten-year relationship and we have a deal that if we want to sleep with someone else, we can. But under certain rules: You never ever tell anyone and make sure the other woman/man is very discrete as-well. Only one time with the same person. Make sure it's somebody the other one doesn't know or has a chance to run into. And preferably in another city ( I travel a lot for work).
This has been working very well for the both of us.

Anonymous said...

I went to a party and a big dude in a red shirt won me over. Wowza. I'm 6" tall so anybody taller than me was definitely on my radar. In a random bit of drunken logic I had my friend drive me to current boyfriends house. Once there I used that drunken logic to explain how I had just met the coolest person in the entire world! Yeah! Imagine jr. high school girl type excitement.

Woke up the next morn and boyfriend was not to thrilled. He accused me of wanting to cheat on him. Nah, not really just party guy was cooooool! :-) I couldn't believe he would accuse me of cheating! And he of course promised me that he would never do that to me.

Party guy called me for a date so off I went with feelings of guilt. Imagine my surprise when walking into the restaurant boyfriend was standing there making out with the girl he assured me he was not cheating with me on since summer.

Party guy cheated on me too, but he was really just a fun little toy so whatever.

Lily said...

To preface this, I really do like your blog, and I think you're probably a fairly awesome guy. However, something caught my eye as a clear heap of bullshit:

"It made me sick to my stomach as I did it, and it makes me sick to this day that I did it at all. Because she didn't deserve my dick, and I gave it to her anyway." Oh, boo hoo, you poor, victimized baby. She didn't deserve that hot, hot hatefucking, but you gave it to her anyway, leading her on to believe you were coming back to her, just for the chance to wet your dick one more time. You're the same manipulative bitch she is. You knew she was fucking around on you; she could have contracted any number of STDs, but you fucked her one last time anyway, because you live through your dick. That's pathetic. If you want to feel sick, feel sick about that, not about 'giving' her sex when she didn't deserve it.

BlackRose said...

Ah Wes Wes Wes~
Your writing is quite splendid indeed. Skipping over sentences is usually how i read things but your blog keeps me entertained fully n' I thank you for that my dear.

Cheating? My online experience was after we had broke up. Thank god it was in high school and I didn't give a rat's ass about the fellow anymore. I learned half a year or so after we broke up that some broad he knocked up just gave birth to quintuplets.
Oh the laughter inside me could not be contained.

Karma is such a glorious thing.

Anonymous said...

(bit of a ramble, bear with me) After dating my guy for about a year and a half, my parents went out of town for the week so he was staying at mine. At the begining of the week, a friend of ours had a party that I really didn't want to go to, but said that bf was welcome to go seeing as he had been looking forward to it, I trusted him et. etc.
Not only did he cheat on me there, but he came back to my house, stayed with me for the rest of the week and threatend my friends not to tell me what he'd done. I guessed pretty quick and he owned up. Stupidly I trusted him again. And he did it again. Only this time I was upstairs in the same house being ill after he'd spiked my drink; after cheating on me downstairs he came back upstairs and forced me to sleep with him (ashamed to say this was actually a pretty regular occerence). After that a few of his friends came up to me and told me that whenever he was out with them, he had been saying that he was single.
For some reason I stayed with him another year before finally managing to get rid of his clingy ass.

The Tall One said...

I am so rich that I am able to purchase certain words in English from Websters himself. I have recently acquired the word "cheating" and have since changed its definition to: A fragrant sound that can only be heard whilst riding a bicycle upside down through strange atmospheric phenomena

I apologize for the inconvenience.

anniebanannie said...

I don't cheat. Never have and never will. Although "once a cheater, always a cheater" may not be true, I don't think I'd ever trust someone who cheated.

Anonymous said...

Ignore the whiners, Weasel. It's your blog, so write exactly what you want. I enjoyed the long story. And I don't have a cheating story of my own to share.

Anonymous said...

Oh, so NOW you come back? Maybe I should just not read your shiny new post for a few days. Maybe you can get all rashy and itchy wondering where *I* am for once. Yeah, that'll learn ya.

Ok, I'll be back after work. *kisses*

Anonymous said...

I haven't read the comments yet, but I put this on the other post - Hire a skywriting plane!

Anonymous said...

i love this blog so much please don't change!

hellkell said...

Nice to see you back. This was worth the wait.

Anonymous said...

Don't like the longer posts? Get the fuck out. We really won't miss you and we really don't care to hear your "bawww I'm leaving baawww" speeches.


Seeya.

Anonymous said...

Weasel you are killing me!!!! The cat leaving the room as if late for a pharma meeting....ha ha! You never run out, man.

Matt
Cretin Country

Anonymous said...

Phenomenal writing. Please write a book. Your blogs are fantastic

Anonymous said...

I cheated and I`m not proud of it. I agree that if someone cheats there is always a reason. Could be that they don`t care about the others feelings or that the relationship is going down the pooper and the cheating person was looking for a way out.

My case...well I cared for my BF very much, and didn`t want to hurt him. But our relationship sucked and I was missing something. At that point I also wanted a way out.
I ended up telling my BF. He kept me around though. We went on like nothing happened for another 4mths then I finally broke things off. I started dating this other guy and things were going well. For some reason though...My BF and I got back together and moved back to the area we grew up in.
We`re now engaged. It`s been over a year since shit went down. We;re not a 100% happy couple but we`re working through our problems.

I am happy to say that I REFUSE to ever cheat on him(or anyone) again. The look on his face was horrible and the pain I put him through was nothing I want to do again.

I now know that if your going to cheat then at least break up with your partner before anything happens.

Missy said...

I love this blog. For the past month I would check at least 2x a week to see if anything new was up. I was not disappointed. Keep em commin!!

Red said...

Lessee...how I found out my husband was cheating on me?

Woke up to him fucking someone in the bed next to me. Then when I stood up and stormed out, they had the balls to continue to orgasm. When I came back in to ask what was going on, they both said they hadn't really been awake.
Uh huh. I sleep on the right side of the bed, and he was definitely on the left side, so it wasn't "sleep-fucking".
Later they both came to me and tried to convince me they'd been asleep and the other had initiated it.
After I left he swore the girl off, who ended up pregnant with his child. Child was born with Down's syndrome and she kidnapped it and disappeared in to the Yukon Territory somewhere because he wouldn't marry her.
That was simply the most blatant. I'd found emails from women up on his screen when I asked to use his computer (the only in the house with a net connection) that were obviously responding to some sort of BDSM ad. When confronted he quailed like a little bitch, ran in and deleted it, refusing to talk about it. He never was much of a man. He mewled like a child any time he didn't get to do what he wanted. He never had a thought for me unless it was when I was doing something for him.
Thank God all of that's behind me and I'm about to get hitched to one of the last non-assholes out there.
I gotta stop reading this blog. It reminds me of all the past guys I've been dumb enough to go out with, and it pisses me off. >.<

El said...

I have to agree with FHOTD - I know many men and women who were badgered into making loyalty statements they KNEW they would probably never honour.

I think monogamy was a sensible concept when cows had to be milked and crops had to be harvested but I'm not sure there's much point expecting "ever after" these days.

No doubt it works for some couples, but in these pampered times I think most folks just don't have the intestinal fortitude for it. (Sorry, Hallmark!)

Of course some people LOVE the thrill of falling for someone. The fighting. The cheating. The uncertainty. That's fun stuff if you don't have the option of pumping up some adrenalin trying to kill a bear for dinner or put shoes on 12 children.

Personally, my life is pretty zippy "as is" and I'm just too lazy to deal with that kind of angst.

SupportHumaneSlaughter...Are you a troll? I think it's RUDE to hijack another person's blog to vent off topic!

And to those who don't care for the blog...You can get off your butt and go make your own blog, you know! Complete control! Write it however you like.

It might have been more useful to email Weasel directly than pout online - You're just going to hear variations of "If you don't like the flavour, don't suck on the popsicle."

Anonymous said...

Yeah, WWHM is taking a different tone. I don't know if it's good or bad. I miss what I grew to love about WWHM but I also love gossip about another person's life. Not to give you too much shit but the ad has little to do with your commentary. I see how you tied it in but it makes the comments hard to follow. One chick is bitching about Hugh while another is talking about a b/f 20 years ago that cheated on her. You're giving us too much to talk about. You focus so much of the first leg of your story on a girl who manipulated you. When I was reading that part I wanted to comment on how shitty women can be sometimes. Then it ended with a crazy bitch cheating on you in Vegas. Now I don't know what to comment on without it becoming a 2 page post. Hugh? Tracy? Kelly? Not to mention the loads of comments I want to reply to. (Fucking lol blue blanket. Not only is that shitty but you must've felt like a damned fool for being so openly mocked.)

Not to mention I miss the scathing things you have to say about the men who post these ads.

Hugh reminds me of my sister's shitty boyfriend, Ron. Any woman that would fit Ron's standard wouldn't date him. His vision of the perfect woman looks more like a 12 year old boy with really long hair. Funny, he thought dating my curvy (and downright big when depressed) sister was close enough. He never let's her forget that she doesn't measure up. Yet oddly enough after 3 years he hasn't found anything better...

Anonymous said...

"Not everything is going to be chuckleicious, and Weasie's stated that more than once."

That would be fair, if he posted more than once a month. Not *everything* needs to be funny, but there isn't enough there to counteract that endless, unfunny, pretentious post.

Peace out, WWHM. It *was* fun...

Jenkins said...

That personal ad was so horrendous, why did you barely even talk about it? You had SO much material to work off of, but you talked about yourself. Why even bother posting the ad if you won't talk about it? If this really is the new direction of the blog, forget the ads altogether so nobody has to pretend this is the same blog it was before.

MollieK said...

MAKE A BLOG IF YOU WANT TO TEST MATERIAL FOR YOUR BOOK, I ASSUME THATS WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO NOW. BY THE TIME YOU'RE DONE, ALL YOUR FOLLOWERS THAT ARE LEFT WILL BUY ONE... SO LOOK FORWARD TO SELLING 37 COPIES!!!

Lynne said...

Thinking back to all the posts about bad personal ads with cock shots, I was thinking - aren't there any parts of the female anatomy men really don't want to see? Wouldn't it be funny if all of a sudden some of these sites were flooded with fake posts from women complete with close-up photos of women's bloated abdomens, asscrack shots that are way too extreme closeups to ever be sexy, elbows - oh I know..up a nostril! - or maybe surgical photos - hey guys, here's what my SPLEEN looks like, isn't it SEXY?

El-Mango said...

haha, wow, well how I found out i was being cheated on was from HIS SISTER. Yup, she went against blood for me :D. Us girls have to stick together right?

And Huge DEMANDING his ABSOLUTE control? If he tried to do that to me he'd end up with his balls in a mason jar under the sink. "sit, stay!" would all it would take for him to leave them there.

El-Mango said...

PS, try to post more :( it makes me sad when you don't.

PSS, I'd buy a book of your stuff Weas. LOYALTY FTW

tbdressage said...

Sounds like my ex boyfriend. He was a piece of work.

I have never been cheated on, but I have an...interesting admission.

I'd been with the guy for close to two years, and for the last 6 or so months of the relationship, I was bored to tears. Just the sound of his voice triggered an insatiable desire to throw a stapler at his head or kick him off a cliff.

Well.
There was this guy, whom I'd been friends with for a long time and had been constantly telling me what an asshole my boyfriend(at the time) was but I wouldn't listen. How his controlling nature was disgustingly not natural. I ended up(surprise, surprise) falling for him.
I'd been considering and was planning on dumping my boyfriend and spent the entire day with my friend while the boyfriend was at work.

That did it.
I guess I don't consider it cheating..but I kissed him at the end of the day and dumped my boyfriend that night.
Although, it was emotional cheating. Was it wrong? Hell Yes. Do I regret it? Not really.


Although Karma is a BITCH and this guy not only dumped me but cut me out of his life a little over a month and a half later.

Black said...

Not only does Hugh not explain why he deserves a smoking hot woman when he admittedly isn't great-looking, but why should a nice person who doesn't look down on others want to date someone with a shitty personalty like Hugh who doesn't think high school dropouts even deserve to live?

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Lynne - That is HILARIOUS! What we should do is send out the most hideous pics we can find to guys whose first e-mail to us is "got any naked pics?"

A few pictures of Grandma Butt might teach them better manners!

To the crazy pro-slaughter person: Yes, of course you are right. There is no one in the animal rights movement that is married.

By the way, I'm not single. :-)

Anonymous said...

why do I feel the same shame and guilt I did when I'd badger Pat into doing what I wanted but feeling bad when he'd do it?

Maybe because you wrote your retraction in that same pissy sarcastic tone? Jesus Weasel, now I know why I love you. You're the blogging internet version of my favorite penis with a person attached!

Lynne, I have a folder of granny porn and nasty snatches that I've been looking to put to good use. I'm heading over to CL now.

Anonymous said...

I have to wonder about the girls who think you're wonderful though. I mean, I read this blog about asshole guys by a writer by the name of weasel and I assume you just know an asshat because you can smell your own. No offense, but we don't know you. Makes me wonder if some of those chikas shouldn't be on PLFM.

Anonymous said...

I'm going out with a cheating narcissistic arse, I was deeply in his personal corespondents for a whole year. I even saw messages where he would take one girl home, cheat with her then when he got back to his flirt with another girl from that evening.

So I know what he's like, and as long as I keep myself in check I don't care.

Weasel said...

Sometimes I don't think much.

I hadn't written in a while, so I grabbed onto an idea the other night and ran with it.

So I started PART III off funny, then wanted to finish the piece, so I just finished it and posted it.

Then I got one text this morning. Then another. Then another. And then a call. And then a thorough bashing by a very close friend this evening.

If I want to include funny, pertinent, personal anecdotes to WWHM, thats fine.

But the sappy, soap-opera fucking blah blah blah bullshit had no place on here. I'm fucking embarrassed at what I was even thinking posting that. My original thought was "For all the bashing I do at our stupid male behavior, they'd probably love to see me get worked over and make an ass of myself." I was hoping to get bashed, which I have and I deserve. What I forgot is WWHM has nothing to do with me as a person. If my story relates and is funny , then fine. But if it doesnt relate and isnt funny, like this post, which was about me, it doesnt belong. Apparently my fucking head got a little big, no? I am now sticking it back in my own ass. Plus, I thought it would lead to a great comment section for you guys to relate your stories, which it kind of has, so for that im glad, but that misses the point.

Am I spineless? Yep, I sure can be. But also I dont have the ability to think things through before I post them. When someone points something out to me and says "Look, thats not right and here's why", I'm like, "oh yeah, i didnt think of that."

I took it down to spare the torture to others and for new readers- I don't want anyone to think I regularly write about my boo-hoo little problems here- you can prob find it on Google reader, or you can just waterboard yourself- it would be less painful. Here it is in a nutshell- I cheated in the past, then I met someone I liked, and she cheated on me, and I acted like a fucking fool. Someone call the After-School special people, please.

I'm still learning guys-I'll figure it out sooner or later. For those sending me hate mail and bashing me for cheating, well Im human. It was a long time ago, but I will willingly accept all criticism. Bash away.

My mistake was making this about me, which it aint.

HH said...

I'm glad you took that bit out.

Karen said...

damn weasel, stop whining
and stop the people-pleasing, ass kissing bullshit while you're at it or you'll be using and abusing again

You shouldn't give a shit what anyone thinks, including your friend (who obviously rattled your cage). If you were sarcastic and funny all the time, I'd get sick of it and think you were a judgmental asshole.

You write this shit. Hence, it is about you.

Anonymous said...

I enjoyed the anecdote and I'm glad I read it yesterday. F' the haters - it's your blog. Sorry you felt the need to remove.

Silly Swedish Skier Says So said...

I was raised religious (although I'm an agnostic these days.) I remember a sermon where the pastor talked about the reason for free will. He explained that love and loyalty are meaningless without individual choice. If you love ____ because you're programmed to, it doesn't hold any value. But if you love ______ and you had a choice to do otherwise, then it means everything.
Hugh- get a robot you fucking douche.

Mack Truck said...

Weasie, stop second guessing yourself.

I enjoyed you spilling your guts. Just makes you seem as pathetically human as the rest of us!

Oh well, you can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time. Meh...

Anonymous said...

THAT'S RIGHT BITCH YOU FALL IN LINE WHEN I TELL YOU.

bruce said...

Hey,Reading your story actually makes me feel hopeful about some of the assholes out there--maybe some do grow up and become decent guys.

annaliisa said...

Damn I was late to the party and seems have lost out in half of the post.

Glad to have you back Wasie!

bella said...

Aww. Do what you want. I mean, I don't care. Write what you want and fuck the haters.

Because I sure as shit loved that story about you milking yourself for the first time.

bhm said...

Weasel,
I do think that your cheating post relates and belongs on here. What the group ends talking about is their own experience with stupidity. I if your story sparks discussion, which it did, then it belongs.

E! said...

Two words for this guy: Abusive Lunatic.

Stay far, far, FAR away ladies.

Anonymous said...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

By the way, I'm not single. :-)


-Of course you are not single. That's right, you were running around with a married man until you accidentally sent a photo of your dried up, leathery crotch to his wife.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

By the way, I'm not single. :-)


-Of course you are not single. That's right, you were running around with a married man until you accidentally sent a photo of your dried up, leathery crotch to his wife.



HAH! Exactly what I was thinking! "How fitting a comment for a topic such as this!"

Mack Truck said...

Y'know what, you asshole Fugly haters are starting to piss me right the hell off.

If you want to fight with her, take it SOMEWHERE ELSE!

We're here to read Weasel's blog, not listen to a bunch of lunatic bitches ranting about something that we don't give two fucks about.

YOU'RE the ones coming off as stupid, irrational, ignorant cunts, not Fugly.

So fuck off and go back to your troll holes.

Anonymous said...

This is a blog about cheating so it's entirely appropriate.

Anonymous said...

I actually rather enjoy reading the FHOTD blog I just found it rather amusing that something so... ah, ON-TOPIC emerged. It's not a fight, simply an observation.

Those who freak out and over such simple things such as on-topic observations generally end up looking the most foolish, I find, moreso than the ones they are, for lack of a better word choice, stepping on.

Lynne said...

>This is a blog about cheating so it's >entirely appropriate.

I disagree. I think Weasel makes some effort to post stories that are true, but I have no idea if the anonymous accusations of other people cheating or true or not. They could be making the whole thing up for all I know. Therefore, I don't really care to pay attention to it. I don't mind someone posting a personal story that can't be verified, but a flame war in which I don't know the participants and have no idea if any of them are telling the truth is an entirely different story. I just don't care about that at all and will be scrolling past such nonsense. I am interested in reading other (non-flaming) comments but I can do without the pissing contests.

bhm said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
utswelshcobs said...

I've found there are two sides to every cheating story. In long term committed relationships most people don't just cheat for the heck of it. Usually there are many problems unrelated to anything sexual that drive someone into the arms of one other than their spouse (or long term SO). I've learned not to judge situations in which I have no direct involvement.

Frankly... "boyfriend/girlfriend" is NOT a life long commitment. If someone cheats on a boyfriend for girlfriend well I think it's time to move on because obviously someone isn't happy.

Sure there are dogs out there who just can't keep it in their pants (both male and female). Those folks should just stay out of exclusive relationships and go on with their happy fornicating ways.

But when I see a situation in which one partner is crying "ohhh he cheated on me for no reason" I think... yeah... there's a reason... it's just not apparent at the moment.

Just my worthless 2 cents.

Oh and I love the blog. Don't get all self conscious on us now Weasel!

AlmightyMarshmellow said...

Lynne, it came straight from the fingertips of FHOTD. She herself admitted to it. Don't accuse us of making up petty stories. As I've said, I enjoy reading her blog.

Anonymous said...

Lynne,
Fugly publicly posted a letter about her affair so it not exactly unverified or hidden. Rather, it's in the public. Fugly decided herself to post about her "relationship" and put the issue up for discussion. We are all FHOTD readers so if you don't decide to make it a flame war then it won't become one.

SuzyM said...

"Yes I said it, i'm not the best looking guy, but i'm sick and tired of going after less than what I deserve." Uhh, except he in no way demonstrates that he deserves someone who is even marginally attractive. And did anyone else notice that he asks for someone who has graduated high school (at least) yet uses "your" instead of "you're"? Smart "businessmen" can distinguish between contractions and possessives. Suuuurrre you're a successful businessman, fatty, suuuure.

bhm said...

A domestic relationship is as long-term or committed as you make to be. Sorry, domestic relationships are real partnerships. Because a couple has chosen to have a religious body confirm their relationship does not make it more real.

Artemis said...

I agree that people usually cheat for a reason, but the thing that I can't stand is when they claim "that it just happened" or "I couldn't help myself".

So you just bumped into him/her.. Naked... Really!?..

Anyway, how did the comments go from interesting anecdotes concerning infidelity to this nasty flaming biz?

We seem to have stumbled on a new species of troll...

Katy said...

I found out about my cheating ex a-la 'he's just not that into you'. He got off the phone with me, then called right back. My friend had picked up, and he started right in with the dirty talk, saying 'Cindy, I can't wait to fuck your brains out' or something along those lines. Yeah, 'Cindy'. My friend put him on speaker, we let him carry on for a while, and I realized I was laughing rather than raging because his sexual prowess weren't nearly what he was claiming. It's difficult to reach a g-spot with a 4 1/2 inch dick. I couldn't contain my laughter anymore and started cracking up. Idiot recognized my laugh, swore, then hung up. I never heard from him again.

utswelshcobs said...

Religious bodies aren't what make a marriage recognized. Marriage licenses are not given out by religious bodies.

I've been married for 9 yrs. I was married by a Notary Public. Not a religious body present.

bhm said...

Same point. You don't need a second party to make a relationship real.

Canaduck said...

This is kind of my favourite part:

"2.) Smoking Hot - Yes I said it, i'm not the best looking guy, but i'm sick and tired of going after less than what I deserve."

What do you mean, WHY does he deserve to date a "smoking hot" woman? Because he WANTS to! What more do you need?

(This is a running theme with these "nice guy" assholes...!)

Canaduck said...

Oh, and SupportHumaneSlaughter: are you insane? ARE you a troll, like at least one other commenter has suggested?

Way to represent the "humane slaughter" movement, by the way--you should be proud of yourself for lashing out at and alienating everybody with opinions remotely different from your own.

El said...

Anonymous said...

"Those who freak out and over such simple things such as on-topic observations generally end up looking the most foolish, I find, moreso than the ones they are, for lack of a better word choice, stepping on."

This is, um, UNCLEAR! *SIGH*

It's none of my business, Weasel, but I'm a less comfortable with the self-flagellation in your mea culpa then I have ever been with the passion (And self flagellation ;-) in your writing.

If what you put in your blog isn't the story YOU want to tell then what's the purpose of the blog? A world with artists caving to the masses - "Quick! Ditch those ugly cubes and sunflowers and pop out a lovely landscape. With cows. And busty white-skinned maidens."

Chilling.

It sounds like corporate America drove up and you threw yourself under the bus - An epic slide into commercialism in 150 comments or less.

More chilling.

El said...

Anonymous said...

"Those who freak out and over such simple things such as on-topic observations generally end up looking the most foolish, I find, moreso than the ones they are, for lack of a better word choice, stepping on."

This is, um, UNCLEAR! *SIGH*

It's none of my business, Weasel, but I'm a less comfortable with the self-flagellation in your mea culpa then I have ever been with the passion (And self flagellation ;-) in your writing.

If what you put in your blog isn't the story YOU want to tell then what's the purpose of the blog? A world with artists caving to the masses - "Quick! Ditch those ugly cubes and sunflowers and pop out a lovely landscape. With cows. And busty white-skinned maidens."

Chilling.

It sounds like corporate America drove up and you threw yourself under the bus - An epic slide into commercialism in 150 comments or less.

More chilling.

horspoor said...

Hah! Artemis bumped into them naked.

Like the Leonnard Cohen song, Everybody Knows:

>>Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that youve been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two
Everybody knows youve been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows<<

I love Leonard Cohen. lol

Katie said...

The only thing that this guy deserves is a belt in the mouth and a boot in the ass.

horspoor said...

I used to date this guy that was always worried I was going to cheat. Or one of his friends would make a move. (please).

I remember one night we were out to dinner with a friend of his. He says to his friend at the dinner table, "Don't you long cock me." I wasn't sure what that meant. His friend said, "I'd never go after your girl." Or something along those lines.

So, now I'm pissed. They are talking like I have no say in the matter. Or am incapable of making decisions or understanding that they are talking about me in a pretty derogatory manner in front of me.

We get in his truck (yeah first clue, huh?) to go home. I say, "I may leave you. But I'd never cheat on you. I have more respect for myself than that." He was silent. Yup, I left him.

Anonymous said...

"Those who freak out and over such simple things such as on-topic observations generally end up looking the most foolish, I find, moreso than the ones they are, for lack of a better word choice, stepping on."

Who even talks like this? Did someone take several sections out of a self help book and botch the patching together? This blog was about people telling their stories...not others telling the stories for them. I personally don't care who posted what on another forum..if THEY didnt post it on this one, than it is NOT in anyway relevant.Sounds like there are a few other old, leathery, dried up Vajj's on the board. Perhaps they need a married man, or hell a plastic penis to lighten their mood up. Maturbation ladies, give it a try! Who here gives a rats ass about what some random person who's only one common aspect was the fact they write a blog, and they also post on one?

Anonymous said...

Damn my magic speed fingers! That should be Masturbation.

Anonymous said...

11:09
She brought it up and wrote about the relationship on this blog.

naola said...

Weasel, the more words, the better. You've been gone way too long. You rock - keep it up!

hell_on_the_red said...

personally, I enjoyed your original story about you not-exactly-faithful ex...the psychology (and pathology) was rather interesting...but I understand if you want to leave out the personal stuff.

as always, keep up the good work, Weasel...one of my favorite sites here.

Anonymous said...

Not exactly. If it was than I must be blind. Besides the point of this blog was for people to share their stories. Not get crazy people who need to spend more time outside than inside bashing someone for sharing. No one else is getting bashed for their stories, why should she? Sounds like people have a case of the "highschools" quick, lets gang up on someone so we feel better. I have a feeling most of the people on here have been out of high school a LOOOOOONG time. Its counter productive. Keep on her blog, not this one. I read for the things Weas says and the people who enjoy this blog, whoever they may be. Last thing any of us want to see is more DRAMA.

mr. mrs. fangface said...

Anonymous 8:28:

Awwwww, but drama is so much fun! Watching people throw net tantrums is oh so amusing. :D

Yes, dance puppets, dance! The internet does matter! And that stranger on here killed your dog, too! DANCE! MUAHAHAHAHA!

Guin said...

If you can actually learn from your mistakes and grow, consider yourself a productive member of the human race.
If however, you are like my soon-to-be ex husband and lie, cheat, and DENY, you might need some help.
I found out my husband was cheating by finding an e-mail account him and his whore kept in order to communicate. I'll spare the details. He told me he wanted to be with me and work it out, so I gave it a shot. About a year later I found out he was STILL fucking that other woman so I left.
If he could have just been a man about the whole thing, I could have found forgiveness.
His loss.

Oh and this Hugh guy...seriously a prick to the nth degree.

bhm said...

Anonymous 8:28:
Why do insist on dragging the story up after it's been dead for a while? If you really don't want drama then stop creating it.

Anonymous said...

Because I, like the people who have brought it up have nothing better to do? I am not the only one who posed the request it be taken elsewhere. It has come up in other previous posts on this blog when this certain person post any response to Weas blog. So obviously they didn’t “get” it that the regulars here don’t appreciate it in all the previous requests to knock it off. You don’t go to someone else’s house, throw the mashed potatoes on a family member and pee on the floor before leaving do you? It's irritating and the fact they people feel they are entitled, and its okay because of the subject matter, or the fact this person said anything on the subject at all is ludicrous. Keep the cat fights to the TOTALLY unrelated horsie blog.

Lynne said...

AlmightyMarshmellow
>Lynne, it came straight from the fingertips of FHOTD. She herself admitted to it. Don't accuse us of making up petty stories. As I've said, I enjoy reading her blog.

I did not accuse anyone of anything. All I said is I don't know the people involved so I don't care - if she admitted herself, fine. That still doesn't change the fact that I don't care because that's not what I'm here to read about.

Lynne said...

And I agree with Anonymous at 1:38 who wrote:

So obviously they didn’t “get” it that the regulars here don’t appreciate it in all the previous requests to knock it off. You don’t go to someone else’s house, throw the mashed potatoes on a family member and pee on the floor before leaving do you? It's irritating and the fact they people feel they are entitled, and its okay because of the subject matter, or the fact this person said anything on the subject at all is ludicrous. Keep the cat fights to the TOTALLY unrelated horsie blog.

Mack Truck said...

It's interesting how the Fugly haters are all posting as Anonymous, instead of the user names they all have.

If they've been following and harassing Fugly, they have their own user names. Hiding behind even more of an alter is cowardice at its worst.

At least SupportHumaneSlaughter employed her own user name.

I'm not Fugly's BFF by any stretch of the imagination, but taking anonymous potshots at her is beyond ludicrous.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Mac Truck. I only am posting without a user name because I have never posted before and don't really intend to again. I have just been reading and keeping silent but even someone who is extremely hard to annoy was irked by what’s going on. I like reading, but I am not a big poster. I don't know who Fugly is, nor do I care. Just because someone says some BS on another site doesnt mean haters should follow her here to spew the venom under every post she has her name on. Just my opinion. And just like assholes everyone has one.

Lynne said...

>utswelshcobs said...

>I've found there are two sides to every cheating story. In long term committed relationships most people don't just cheat for the heck of it...

True, and I see your point but here's another way of looking at it. Once we're talking about a marriage or other lifelong commitment, of course there is always going to a problem -over such a long period of time how can there not be problems?- and sometimes the other spouse is not very motivated to help fix it, but cheating is merely going to distract from the problem, prolong the pain and keep the couple from fixing what needs fixing. (And in the case of abuse or alcoholism it just makes an impossible relationship temporarily more tolerable, thus keeping you stuck in it when you should be ending it instead.) Sometimes a spouse can be very stubborn and you have to try multiple approaches until a problem is solved. This can be frustrating and although I can see how someone would be tempted to cheat, what the cheater is doing is giving up and finding a distraction instead of solving the problem. (And inevitably, either getting caught or the emotional distance that results from pouring your emotion and energies into a third person will create additional problems on top of the original one!)

And to people supporting polyamory as an alternative, I get why some people do that. People are not naturally wired for monogamy - it's very difficult. On the other hand, people have limited time and attention, and it's probably too hard for most people to have a really deep, romantic emotional connection simultaneously with more than one person. Plus, the hormones involved in a new infatuation give the new person an unfair advantage. You may think you are giving both people equal attention, but you're not the best judge of that when you're newly infatuated.

antoinette jeanine said...

Nooo! Weasel: please don't cave to pressure from some while ignoring the fact that many people-- myself included-- tremendously enjoyed the article as originally published. It's much easier to skip past something that's not engaging you than to imagine what you're missing...

Everyone's a critic on the internet. The amount of positive feedback in this comment section alone is truly indicative of your talent. It's healthy to be aware of criticism and absorb it to some degree, but don't forget to listen to the praise as well.

RebelJubilee said...

Weas, Good writing, but like you said, maybe back to the old format would be a nice change of pace.

Anonymous said...

Weasel, I love your writing!

In high school, I found out my boyfriend cheated on me when my "best friend" skipped up to me one monday morning and, in front of all our other friends, went on about how he had been so disappointed that I was in the hospital with my dying grandfather that weekend instead of at a football game with him. So, he and she decided to have sex behind some of the classrooms. She tried for sad and apologetic, but smirked the enitre time. I told her I was too busy grieving for my grandfather to be bothered with thier idiocy and walked away from them both. My seeming indifferance drove them both crazy (inside I was devestated, but hell if I'd let them know!)Two weeks later, I began a long relationship with a very caring, sweet guy who couldn't stand either one of them.

Last time I saw her, her frat boy booty call had left her after her second abortion, and Boyfriend had been kicked out by his 38 year old girlfriend and was sleeping on his mom's couch. Karma is good.

Black said...

I don't think there are any female body part pictures that would keep a bunch of guys from responding to an ad with them if they thought they could get laid. There are men into every fetish including elderly women with dried up leathery crotches and unshaven armpits who don't shower, and a bunch more who just want sex enough to do it with anyone willing.

Anonymous said...

Y'know what, you asshole Fugly loversare starting to piss me right the hell off.

If you want to fight with her, take it SOMEWHERE ELSE!

Katie said...

DO NOT STOP INCLUDING YOUR PERSONAL STORIES!!! What's wrong with you; one bad reaction and you totally give up? Come on. Some people didn't like one story? So what. Work on making the next one funnier. There are plenty of websites that serve to mock bad personal ads. Only one is written by you. That's why we're here.

Anonymous said...

Weasel, I'm a fairly new reader to your two blogs. I like them both.

Honestly, I'm pissed because I didn't get to read your story. That's not fair. Self-indulgent? Not funny? So fucking what? Your story about the g-string your girlfriend gave you for your birthday brought tears to my eyes. Even if your anecdote wasn't funny, I'd still like to see it.

I'd like the opportunity to judge for myself whether it sucked or not, and just because you have a post that's a little off doesn't mean anything--step up next time and hit it harder and straighter.

I would appreciate it if you would put the whole post back up, so I can judge for myself. I'll keep reading though--I love this stuff.

To everyone who complained about it being too long: get an attention span.

Take care.

Anonymous said...

Damn all of you that pissed and moaned! I didn't get to read the part that was removed.
Why edit your posts like that, Weasel? If people don't want to read a section they can skip it.
You have plenty of readers that want to read what you have to say.

Anonymous said...

This wasn't cool of me, but I found out that my ex girlfriend was cheating on me when I used a keylogger on my computer to get her Facebook password. Not cool, I know, but she really was cheating on me, as it turned out.

Anonymous said...

Ah Weasel I love you.
In a "your stories make me smile way", not a "quick get a restraining order" way.
The best cheating story I've heard comes courtesy of my cousin. After being married to Graham for almost two years she came home from work one evening to find an ambulance outside the house. Turns out her husband had been having an affair with a woman who lived at the end of the road.
She was also epileptic, had a fit and managed to fall off the bed and knock herself unconcious.
My cousin was greeted by paramedics carrying an unconcious naked woman out of the house and a husband who actually tried the "it isn't what it looks like line."
The woman was apperently ok.
My cousin remarried several years later.

Anonymous said...

Weasel, I love your longer auto-biographical stories as well as the rat-a-tat rapid fire jokes you use when you eviscerate someone's personal ad. I always find it interesting to hear other people's coming of age stories and I think your comedy writing is second to none and you should definitely put a book together.

I think it's amazing how many bitchers there are out there who expect you to do exactly what they want, and moaning when you don't forgetting you are providing a highly entertaining, time consuming service for free.

I just wanted to say that I am really grateful for all of your contributions including WHHM and PLFM.

You are a very talented comedy writer and when the time comes for you to roll up this site as you will one day, then I, for one, will be very sad.

It is hilarious stuff and I speak for many of us when I say that a new entry on your blog is one of the high points of our day.

Anonymous said...

No stories about being 'cheated on'.

What I don't understand is when people have no religious belief and get upset about someone cheating on them. It seems to me it's part of that unbridled nature we have: to want what we want (or think we want) when we want it...

annaliisa said...

To the anonymous above me who posted at August 17, 2009 5:37 AM.

I find it sad and very ignorant of you that you think that an atheist/agnostic automatically equals someone who wouldn't want to have a monogamous relatsionship with a partner they can trust.

Or that someone who is not religious/is an atheist/agnostic is automatically poly in their relationships and doesn't know what a true commitment to one partner means and does not have a right to be upset when their partner cheats on them.

A monogamous relationship is a relationship regardless of the religious beliefs or lack of them in it.

And when someone cheats on a monogamous relationship an exuse of "oh but you don't believe in god anyway/your beliefs don't forbid it so you shouldn't be upset, it isn't cheating" should never be bought in.

The petrayal of your partner and their trust is still the same, wheter they believe in god or not.

Havoc said...

OMG..."tied to a brick at the bottom of a remote lake" I laughed and scared the cat.

My first fiance cheated on me. He gave me the clap, that's how I found out. I broke up with him, he stalked me. I had to move away. That was the end of that adventure.

Demon said...

One thing about humour is that if you push the envelope (apologies for sounding a little Top Gun) you offend or irritate a few people. Most of what you write is excellent and keeps us coming back. Many of us don't manage the success part but just offend and irritate...

Secondly, I've two really fantastic female friends, both really strong, successful women who were previously involved with controlling guys. In their cases it started really minor league, as in "could you wear the dress I want?" and then escalated to "where were you at 3pm" to "you're not going out". It's scary scary stuff but....there are really great guys out there. I don't purport to be one, but they do exist.

http://lawdemon.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

i happen to enjoy your personal stories...i find them as amusing as the freaky ads and its a major part of why i read this blog. if you ever start a "dear diary" blog like tucker max has, let me know. ill read it every day :)

Diablo said...

Put the rest of the post back up, I'd like to read it as would many others!

Diablo said...

Pretty please?

bhm said...

annaliisa,
Ahmen, sister! Assumptions about atheists and agnostics drive me crazy. As if only religious people have "real" relationships.

Other assumptions, such as those made about human nature, drive me crazy as well. Humans are naturally monogamous, that's why they go crazy when a partner cheats.

Anonymous said...

I was never faithful and used my biseuality as an excuse for years.
Ironically, I swore I'd never date another bisexual person, because I couldnt 'trust' them. I was clearly going through a giant douchebag phase...
Until i met a beautiful man I'd known since kindergarten, who turned out to also be.. you guessed it, bisexual!
I have never and will never cheat on him, he proposed recently =D

Anonymous said...

Just noticed my spelling mistakes, sorry and cringe.

dogface said...

annaliisa and bhm,

The assumptions about nihilists are my favorite. Honoes, I'm angsty and miserable/full of rage and hate everyone, including myself! And I'm only a nihilist BECAUSE I'M DEPRESSED/CHRONICALLY ANGRY AND HAVE NO HOPE AND NO RESPECT FOR AUTHORITY! AH! XD I kinda want to go back in time and kick the ass of whoever it was that first associated nihilism and emotionally unstable, anarchic, young smartasses before they have the chance to have that thought. XD

Anywho.

Artemis said...

Annaliisa, bhm & dogface

Due to the lack of a better word, amen!

Susy said...

I found out about my boyfriend's infidelity by confronting him. But in retrospect, the first clue was the crap my kitty left on his side of the bed (he ended up sitting in it--GOOD KITTY!!!!). She was just a kitten at the time so I wasn't entirely convinced that this was just normal abhorant behavior for her. But in the 18 years of her life following that little incident, she never repeated the behavior. Let's hear it for the prescient pooperkitty.

Anonymous said...

The personal anecdotes are the best part and really make it more than just a snark site! Please don't stop posting them!

jumper said...

I came for the initial "OMG! They didn't really post that!" and stayed for the writing. All of it.

Weasel, I too enjoy the longer autobiographical posts because they keep it real. You're NOT Ken with a dick, you're a brilliant, funny writer with a gift for words and remember that you'll never please everyone - but always write first for yourself, we'll be here.

Starks said...

Weasel,
It was a great story and I loved it - such brutal honesty about learning from the 'School of hard knocks'

Keep it up (So to speak)

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