Thursday, November 13, 2008

Cougar Hunting

18 looking for hot cougar 40-50
18male looking for an older woman to fuck. Will please you until your whole body is tingling and you can't walk. I will fuck you like no other man can. Don't be scared! Email me and I can send you tons of picture any kind you want. You would have to have a place. Call Scott at XXX-XXX-XXXX.

Sending an 18 year-old boy to satiate the sexual appetite of a woman in her libidinous prime is like sending an aloof zookeeper into the polar bear exhibit at dinner time with half a sardine served in a decorative teacup. You're going to end up with a pissed off animal Scott, and you should be scared. Never write a horny woman checks that your penis can't cash.

Little boys like Scott don't realize women reach their sexual peak in their late 30's and early 40's. She no longer views her reproductive organs as a delicate and fertile flower; now it's a Battle Cage designed solely to deliver her mind-shaking orgasms. If you dare step into her war zone armed with "The Alphabet Technique" and a Planned Parenthood pamphlet tutorial of the G-spot you downloaded at the local community center, she's going to send you home in a body bag with a pee stain.

Conversely, 18 year-old men are also at their sexual peak. In a cruel act of nature which I'm sure God plans to someday post on YouTube, these boys need an OnStar service representative just to find the nearest erogenous zone. He thinks he's getting you off by going down on you; you wonder why it feels like he's gnawing on walnuts during oral sex. Combine the two and you've got a mature woman who knows exactly what she wants, and a young boy that doesn't have a clue how to give it to her.

Most young guns like Scott have been having sex for a couple years and figure they've got this whole "woman" thing figured out. Like most young men, he aggressively humps a 17 year-old girl like he's trying to smash a spider in her womb, and the girl has no clue she's experiencing bad sex. When and if she has an orgasm, she might whimper like she failed a calculus quiz, but he feels like he's done his job.

A mature woman on the other hand owns her sexuality. She knows how she wants to get fucked, where, when and how often. She doesn't want a whimpering orgasm, she wants to eat a bedpost. She wants you to fuck her perm straight.

Although you have the gift of unending stamina, I doubt an inexperienced teen's entry-level movie-theater mop closet moves will make her whole body tingle, and I'm pretty sure she'll be able to walk after you're done with her. In fact, she'll probably walk right to her dresser drawer to get her vibrator. And it's not for her.

Bend over, Scott. Welcome to the jungle.

74 comments:

water_bearer said...

She doesn't want a whimpering orgasm, she wants to eat a bedpost.
You just said a mouthful. Bad pun. Told you my sarcasm was broken. Either way, you're on a roll these days Weasel. This one's so right on the money.

Weasel said...

Thanks Water Bearer.

I'm going to post as I go from now on- it keeps my bombs out of WWHM.

Should have more posts tonight.

Anonymous said...

I have a sneaky feeling that forty-something women who like inexperienced teenage boys are generally also into dominance. Boy is he in for a surprise. 'Don't be scared'? You have no idea...

Whiskey Me Away said...

That was fucking awesome... and so true. And the older I get, the less tolerance I have for that nonsense.

She knows how she wants to get fucked, where, when and how often.

There are certain things I like about aging.... that is one of those things.

Your doing great Weasel! Just let it flow.....

Daisy said...

What a great post!

SassyBrunette said...

"Never write a horny woman checks that your penis can't cash."

EXACTLY. I was laughing out loud when I read this line. Love it.

"She wants you to fuck her until her perm straightens."

And twice more in the morning. When my quads are so sore the next day that I can hardly walk up the stairs, I know it was good. I suggest this boy learn with someone his own age and experience level-American Pie was only a movie.

jax said...

"She wants you to fuck her until her perm straightens."

A-men!

CaliGirl9 said...

I picture Scott as a drooling, hyperactive puppy. With a stiffy that is instantaneous, and having read too much about sexual technique in Hustler or some other smut magazine. I don’t know any proper titles. Weasel, can you help me out there? *wink!*

Meaning he humps like said hyperactive puppy and is a lot less entertaining.

Rhyadawn said...

I love this post!!!

and I have re-afirmed the fact that I look forward to my 30s and 40s. If the sex only gets better? BRING IT ON!!!

and to anonymous, nothing wrong with a little dom

Ashers said...

HAHAHA !!!! I know about this one first hand !!!

I'm an a dating site and got an e-mail asking if I liked "22 year old studs". Had a look at his profile and he was indeed 22 AND his profile tag line also said "22 year old stud"....

The conversation went like this:-

me - I do but I think you might be a little too young...
him - shame I'd love to show you a good time
me - you think you could ?? How exactly ?
him - well I am good with my tongue
me - and how did you manage to learn that when you're 22??
him - a lot of experience especially with hot older women
me - I really don't think you're my type
him - shame I'd love to shag you senseless
me - nice try honey, but I'm immune to your charm !

Maybe he could've shagged me senseless but really, what do you talk about afterwards ?? ;-)

Weasel said...

You can talk about cage fighting and the barbed wire tattoo around his arm.

Ashers said...

And his souped up boy racer car !!! I can't wait !

terifina said...

This is the Weasel we all know and love - welcome back!!! Classic, hysterical, sarcastic and right on the money. I didn't like fucking 18 year old boys when I was 18 and there's no way I'd enjoy it more now.

Havocec said...

And that's why they call them cougars, Scotty-not. Dorks like this are why cats kill for sport.

Everytime some tarzan whose judgement is clouded by the haze of his sexual prime calls me "pretty lady" or "Miss" with that knowing gleam in his eye cuz you can't miss my wedding ring. I wanna hip throw him into the nearest cement structure.

Oh, domination. That would be hysterical. I'll have to remember that.

Scotty-not morons are the hallowe'en size bag of chips of man world. He should stick to banging whimpering mall rats.

I have a 52 year old who still operates on the 18 year old level. On many levels actually, but thats a whole other rant.

Sophie said...

can i just say.... i've been a reader since FHOTD first linked us... never posted on this or FHOTD.... but i have to sat that this is simply the funniest post of yours i have read thus far.... poor cab driver thought he had a psycho in the back i was laughing so loud! (iPhone + WWHM newsfeed = bliss)

thank you for all the laughs!

PS. i'm a sydney morning herald reader - did you get a mention? i missed that one.

Weasel said...

No, but I got a link in the comments of an obviously popular women's column in Sydney.

I'm trying to get a REAL link in there! Tell "Sam" the lover man to read WWHM.

Sophie said...

Don't worry Weasel - i'm spreading the word to women young and old. Sydney women will truly appreciate. Your site is universal.

At first i was worried about the NSFW content - but screw it, its just too funny not to share.

Weasel said...

Thanks Sophie- yeah, its not definitely for everyone.

Even in my personal life, I let very few people know I do this.

If my mother knew, she would dig a hole, lie in it, and bury herself. She likes to live in a land of ponies and rainbows, which is ok because she's the greatest mother in the world.

All her kids ended up a little "rough around the edges" though.

Obviously.

Anonymous said...

This was THE best post! Gold star for you Weasel!

Mack Truck said...

Weasel, I am awed by your brilliance and ability to capture how mature women REALLY feel, now that we're in our sexual prime.

I think I love you. And yes, I mean it in "that way".

This little boy doesn't know what he's asking. Kitty has claws, and if you disappoint, you'll be very sorry.....

Nosnikta said...

I just recently learned of the cougar term for older women and I LOVE it.

A, B, C, D RAWRRRRRRRRR, claws out, a swipe to the head and teeth sunk into his jugular.

Anonymous said...

Scott, at 44 I'd break you in half!!

Anonymous said...

This is one of the funniest posts I've read Weas. I was laughing hysterically while sitting home alone on the couch. What makes it so funny is that it is so TRUE!!!

"...these boys need an OnStar service representative just to find the nearest erogenous zone"

There I go, laughing out loud again...

Anonymous said...

Best(and most truthful) post ever!

Thanks for all the laughs!

Crevette.

horsegal said...

OMG GREAT post!!! *peals of laughter*
Weasel, have you been in my house or something?

"She wants you to fuck her perm straight." ROCK ON.

Jim and Garret said...

We love you Weasel!

ChevyGirl said...

I sure hope my mother comes on here and posts :) MOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM hes touching me! oh wait, no come over here and post about what you would do to poor Scott tissue here! wait again, dam shes working tonight. Yes Weasel my mother [whos age I sadly forget, guess that good huh? I know shes in her late 40s I think....] loves this blog, and I did get her hooked on it ;) now I just hope she comes on here and posts! I cant say anything, I am a simple 20 something :) But I know one thing, even if I was a man I would know that older women know alot more, hell anyone knows more than a man :) Dont we girls?

Anonymous said...

"I suggest this boy learn with someone his own age and experience level-American Pie was only a movie."

Oh god no. I lost my virginity when I was 17. Didn't have my first orgasm til I was 19. Entirely by accident. Had it not been for that accident I would have gone on indefinitely not knowing why I was always dissatisfied in bed.

I think there's something to be said for older people schooling younger people in the arts of love, assuming both parties are age of majority and consenting. Because expecting people to get experience by learning from others equally inexperienced is rather like a med school student doing his residency by playing Operation every day. Not gonna work.

Anonymous said...

I love you Weasel

Brandy said...

Well, I must say, the last thing (besides my hubby) that pleased me, left me unable to walk and my whole body tingling was Election Day!

Got up at 4:30, arrived at the pooling place at 6am to set up, then sat on metal folding chairs in a drafty school auditorium (election laws state ALL doors must remain open during election hours) from 7am until 8:15pm. Then we tore down the polls, counted up the ballots, and got home about 10pm (quite early, but our inspector is da BOMB at closing the polls!)

I was tingling and unable to walk for days!

"I will fuck you like no other man can"... Wow, your peenee will fit in my ear? Amazing!

LOL, fuck my perm straight! YEAH! And please, no "Alphabet Technique"! I need a man who isn't afraid to chew on my clit until I suffocate him under my thunder thighs!

Agree on the stamina thing. A woman doesn't necessarily WANT 3 hours of thrusting. But she will want 2 hours of a man finding her every ticklish spot, erogenous zone, and magic area, using every technique from spanking to licking and then softly blowing across that skin. Do it right, and a woman can come with a mere word, and a real man will be more satisfied with that vision than with the gymnastic workout of his youth!

That, or an hour of doing dishes and cleaning the gutters....That makes me appreciate a man!

Walk On said...

"She wants you to fuck her perm straight." -- great, tea all over the keyboard. You think I would know better than to try to drink something while reading this blog? :P

22 yr old men couldn't do it for me when I was 22, they'd be lucky to get a yawn out of me now.

I think this is another case where they think what works for them works for us - older guys often want a younger hottie, so young guys think older women want them.

Weasel, my man, you are on the mark here, 100%. And my ribs hurt. And I like it..... hell, you just did more for me than this guy and his alphabet technique could. :D

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

"I didn't like fucking 18 year old boys when I was 18 and there's no way I'd enjoy it more now."

A-fucking-men! There is a reason I was with a 32 year old at 19. And these days, I've decided they don't really get amazing until 50...I mean, if they ever do. For some of them, it's just an eternally missed boat...

wheelin126 said...

Nosnikta - A, B, C, D RAWRRRRRRRRR, claws out, a swipe to the head and teeth sunk into his jugular.

OH good god I damn near choked to death on that one!!!! And here he thought he was getting a nice kitty to play with LMAO!!

L. said...

Ahh, Weasel, you have come a long way. Actually, you have always been there, just had no outlet for your cutting wisdom.

Love it! Since I have a dog with a marking problem, the part about the body bag with a pee stain made me laugh until I couldn't catch my breath.

You rock!

L.
(How I wish we had met when we had the chance...)

klgalland said...

Bravo! This is one of your best! This pretty much sums up the male species.

Goldie said...

Fucking -awesome-, Weasel.

NiCOTiNE.RABBiT said...

Can I just say thank you? Really though, that was a perfect summary of how it is. I don't know how many times I've had to stop it all and say "So, can we fuck now? or is this it...was there a miscommunication? or can I show you the door" Bravo

kiwiness said...

Amen weasel! Just what I needed after a shit day. I laughed hard, and it felt good.

Jilly said...

Weasel,

By BAR your funniest written reply EVER. I mean it.

Tragic Comedy said...

Absolutely HILARIOUS. I found this blog on a list of "funniest Blogs"
It is hilarious. Sadly, young men nowadays want women in their 30s n 40s. The sad part is that you are correct. An 18 year old boy has no clue. I am sure the average guy starts fucking at 16 and thinks 2 years is valid. It isn't a fucking Job application for entry level position. Guys that want women in their late 30s-40s need to be around mid 20s to even qualify for time-in-service.

Absolutely hilarious post though.

Weasel said...

L. Baby!!!

L. is the unofficial co-founder of WWHM.

I dedicate WWHM to you my dear.

Di said...

He-larry-us!

I love it. The last junior that offered to "service" me walked away with his face in his hand.

He was all of 19 but promptly notified me that he would be turning 20 in 3 weeks (like that would make a fundamental difference).

I informed junior that the only thing he could do for me is mow my lawn and take out the trash. He persisted.

So I told him to bring his weight belt and his 2 X 4. The weight belt was to keep him from falling off and the 2 x 4 would keep him from falling in.

TIgermama said...

Now Weasel, you're missing the point entirely. And i can tell that any real cougars here are few and far between.

The true wonder of these 18-25 year olds is that some of them are willing and eager to LEARN... And are so highly motivated to do so that hey, one night bringing one of them 'up to speed' can produce some extraordinary increases in ability... of course they have the advantage in having so little restriction on number of attempts!

Find one of them, share exactly what you like, give some general clear instructions (that otherwise they are fumbling around for years to figure out on their own, and that many men NEVER get) and voila, excellent lover!

Trust me, their willingness to take a bit of direction (and guess what,older men aren't open to hearing much, if anything they accumulate more egotistical assumptions that they know what they are doing, and you're a bitch if you mention that hey, they don't!) makes initiation by older women far more erotic and satisfying than frustrating fumblings with clueless fellow 20-somethings.

As someone else said, there's a lot to be said for learning from someone who knows what they're doing! And it's not 'dominance' (so dualistically all or none, tsk tsk) for women, but receptivity and willingness of men to acknowledge that powerful sexuality of the older woman that you're supposedly praising. WHy should we waste that on old shapeless dudes whose egos are out of control? Why not support us using it to teach a few hot eager young men, and pass on the wisdom? Because seriously, as your entire blog points out, it's certainly needed out there in the general world of men ;).

Louie said...

Awesome!
I was adequate when I was 18, but an older woman would have shredded me.

When I was 37, I entertained a 55-year-old, who no longer has a perm. When I was 38, I showed a 21-year-old why learning finesse and technique is much more important that banging away like a rusty sewing machine.

It takes time to learn your craft, and you have to be willing to take coaching along the way. So, here's to the girls who told me what they liked and how to do it!

Annie Savoy said...

And sometimes it, is the gentle-est touch that makes me shudder & shake!
I could have an orgasm for every one of this boy's years on Earth, and be just getting started.

There are some younger ones who have the patience, the respect... but my favorite fellas are all my age and older.

Classic column, Weas.

Anonymous said...

What do you think Rod was singing about when he wrote "Maggie"? An older woman's sex drive wrecked his tender widdle life, LMAO!

Anonymous said...

That last line was epic. *Standing ovation*

Anonymous said...

I don't think I've *ever* laughed so hard in my entire life! I am a cougar, and I have met Scott, I believe! *laughs* I've now got a nice little "pack" of cubs who do the various things that get me off, but it took time to find them. I'm 42 and they range in age from 24-30. I genuinely like these guys because they're good lovers and they actually have something to say when we're done.

I did have one 20-something ask me "So, are you gonna drop that skirt or what?" He got the cougar claws and teeth in the jugular in the nicest possible way when I said "Oh baby, if you're going to get me to drop my skirt it's going to take a lot more than an empty command -- you need to develop style and finesse. Now, if you want to try that again, I am happy to oblige, but I suggest you use a very different approach with me." He stammered for a moment, and then said "Um, I'm feeling really embarrassed now, so I think it would be best if I left." I smiled and replied "Yes, I'd have to agree with you."

Cougars rock! *laughs*

Dating Damsel said...

You have amazing insight! Love the humor!

Anonymous said...

"Don't be scared"
"You would have to have a place"
"I can send you tons of picture"

Traslation: "I am a serial rapist looking for a new target"

When did they stop teaching people to read what they write before submitting? I mean, they think this WORKS?

Anonymous said...

bump for tigermama's truth!

-21 y/o

Anonymous said...

I just want to add that I agree with what you've all said and just want to take it a step higher.

What if you didn't have to go out looking for it? What if he already knew what to do? What if he did all that and paid your bills, too, and fought your battles and brought you breakfast in bed and then had you for breakfast? What if he was there when you woke at night and had him wrap his body around you, knowing he would be there anytime you wanted it? What if?

Anonymous said...

Q. How can you tell if a woman has had an orgasm?

A who cares.

Anonymous said...

excellent comedic writing, and right on the money.

Cassandra Says said...

And linked. This is funny shit.

I'm 36 and about to get divorced and start dating again. 21 and 22 year old boys keep hitting on me. Seriously, just kill me now, before they bore me to death, or overdo it with the "hey baby wasn't that great? I bet you love that, huh?" and I'm forced to kill them.

natalia said...

This is too funny! I am 30 year old woman and keep getting hit on by men like this! They are clueless

Igraine said...

I will 40 in 6 months. Could you send me the number please, I really need Scott. I have a place. I'm sure his mom won't mind him being out all night.

timberwolf74 said...

Speaking as a 20yr old man/boy whichever you prefer based on you're own age; I think for the vast majority this is exactly correct.

When I was 18 I too was an eager beaver slapper, and like most men wanted to have sex with some hot cougars.

I spent my free time on these free adult hookup sites with very little success. Eventually I did meet one lady in her early 40's who was willing to give it a try.

Since she was an attractive older woman on a dating site I of course was not the first to pursue her so I eventually asked why she chose me.

Her answer was simple; even though we were both looking for the same thing (relatively animalistic sex with little to no emotional attachment), I still treated her with the respect that I would give to somebody I was courting.

Furthermore, I'll admit our first encounter did not result in mind-blowing sex, it was pretty good for both sides moreso for me naturally. But, what I did bring to the table was an eagerness to learn from a seasoned veteran.

This enabled me to actually listen to the instructions she was giving, not just try to bust-a-nut and call it good. After about a month I was able to give her exactly what she wanted.

I don't think older women should read this article and immediately write off younger men. They serve their purpose, they can be trained to do what you want.

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Anonymous said...

OMG! That just made me laugh so hard I farted. You are bitterly funny!

Chaos said...

As an aspiring cougar in my early 30s, I strongly feel that boys like this should be encouraged. The first time I ever had multiple orgasms, it was with a 17 year old (at the time I lived in a state where the legal age of consent was 16.) Virgins are actually often the best in bed because they're blank slates- they haven't learned the wrong way yet, so it's so much easier to teach them the right way.

Ink said...

GOD YOU ARE SO RIGHT WEASEL - I don't understand why this guy thinks his prick is extra special - I am not saying that eighteen year old guys can't pull it off (God knows if they are strong enough they can and it must be matched with her prime cool)

But this Dude obviously thinks too much of himself. Egotistical males are always a turn-off

By The Weasel I LOVE YOUR WRITING TECHNIQUE YOU ARE A WRITER RIGHT?

Anonymous said...

Young guys cocks can stay hard all night long? What more do you fucking need? Touch and finesse and all this shit sound like mysticism. I'd prefer and be a young 18 year old with a hard cock than some wise old fox with special insight! B/S!

Bibianà said...

So this character, at 18, is so great that he can do for you what NO man can??? Sorry, but I think Scot is laughable and extremely delusional.

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trung tâm kế toán tại thanh xuân
trung tâm kế toán tại bắc ninh
trung tâm kế toán tại bình dương
trung tâm kế toán tại hải phòng
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại quận bình thạnh
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại quận tân phú
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại quận 5
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại quận 3
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại tphcm
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại quận cầu giấy
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại quận long biên
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại quận hà đông
dịch vụ quyết toán thuế tại quận thanh xuân

Đào Quân said...

dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại thái bình
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại phú thọ
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại hưng yên
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận hải dương
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại hải phòng
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận thanh trì
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận hoàng mai
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận hai bà trưng
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận hoàn kiếm
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận từ liêm
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận ba đình
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận tây hồ
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận đống đa
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại bắc ninh
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận tphcm
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận cầu giấy
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận long biên
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận hà đông
dịch vụ dọn dẹp sổ sách kế toán tại quận thanh xuân
dịch vụ hoàn thuế gtgt

Đào Quân said...

dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại huyện củ chi
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận bình tân
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quân phú nhuận
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận gò vấp
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận thủ đức
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận bình thạnh
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận tân phú
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 12
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 11
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 10
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 9
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 8
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 7
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 6
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 5
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 4
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 3
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 2
dịch vụ làm báo cáo tài chính tại quận 1

Đào Quân said...

dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại tỉnh bình dương
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận bình thạnh
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận tân phú
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận 5
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận 3
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại tphcm
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận long biên
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận hà đông
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận thanh xuân
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận cầu giấy
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại gia lâm
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại đông anh
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại thanh trì
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận hoàng mai
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận hai bà trưng
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận từ liêm
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận hoàn kiếm
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận tây hồ
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận ba đình
dịch vụ báo cáo thuế tại quận đống đa