Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Cock Talk

Neglected penis looking for neglected vagina

Hi. I am a friendly but neglected penis looking for a friendly, beautiful but negelcted vagina. I dangle between the legs of a nice guy who has gotten into a rut of being too busy to take care of my needs. Do you lie between the legs of a nice gal who is like my guy, too busy to find you a penis for your pleasure? My guy's lips tell me he hasent even kissed a nice vagina in so long mr tongue is getting as restless as I am. I sure miss doing the slip and slide in and out of a nice moist vagina. My neighbors, the balls brothers tell me they are so ready to make a huge batch of their special, high protine, love potion for your gal's enjoyment. Caio baby. Greg

Good fucking lord, where do I even start with something this lame? This is like picking on The Real World cast.

Greg's been abusing his penis like an alpine ski pole for the last 20 years, and with this personal ad his dick just secured another fucking 20 years in solitary confinement.

I'm not saying your personal ad will turn women off Greg, but I know girls who would rather spend their last government food coupons on a cross-town bus trip to blow a semi-professional mime.

"Nice, moist vagina"? "Nice and moist" is how my grandmother would describe a piece of steamy senior-home poundcake. You know what you get when you tell a woman you want to feel her "nice, moist vagina"? You get a dry, closed vagina.

"Mr. Tongue","the Balls Brothers" and "love potion"? I feel like I just walked into a puppet show titled "How Not to Get Laid."

Congratulations Greg, you've successfully written the lamest personal ad I've ever seen on WWHM. Speaking in third person would be bad enough, but you don't even do that. You speak in penis person.

Hopefully your balls enjoy dangling, because they're going to be hanging idly like a basement windsock for the next 20 years.

What do they have to look forward to?

Your knees.


Anonymous said...

It started off so well too. If he'd stopped before getting to the lips, he might just have made it.

TornadoBaby said...

... please tell me that was NOT the picture posted with the original ad.

The ad is disturbing, but the picture for some reason takes it to a whole new level...

Weasel said...

No pic in the original ad, so I scavenged one off the internet.

If there is no pic with an ad, I usually just google an image that somewhat fits.

Havocec said...

is that an ad from an out of work crew member from Mr. Rogers Neighbourhood?

Last time I talked in third person to anyone I was introducing my infant son to solid food.

Havocec said...

forgot to add...son is now 22.

Richelle said...

Oh good Lord. I mean the beginning was BAD but it was salvageable. If I was feeling desperate, the first sentence or so might even have come across as "cute and whimsical," which I assume is what Greg was attempting to do. Then Greg wanders into frightening territory, occupied only by eunuchs, 4 year old boys, and sock puppets.

The common factor in all of them being: they do not get laid.

Kokorami said...

Why do I suddenly think of Mr. Garrison and Mr. Hat?

Anonymous said...

I could barely stop laughing hysterically at this ad and then I read Weasel's commentary and laughed harder. I give the ad-poster credit for being creative, but that's about it. Yeah we like guys who are funny, but not necessarily guys we laugh AT!!

colorisnteverything said...

This is possibly the worst thing I have seen on here.

colorisnteverything said...

Oh, and BTW, by worst, I mean, you picked a winner, Weasel. This ad is THAT bad.

Nosnikta said...

LOL "caio"

SassyBrunette said...

"This is like picking on The Real World cast."

Fucking hilarious. I can't stand that show.

"high protine, love potion"

::rolls eyes::

CaliGirl9 said...

I have a feeling this is Greg’s one last gasp at earning a passing grade in his community college creative writing class.

My vagina’s not in the mood to type back anyway …

searching_for_something said...

I actually feel a little sorry for him. In a smelly, im-not-going-near-that-dog sort of way

Weasel said...

Original Title was

WWHM Presents: The Stupidest Ad Ever on WWHM.

This wins my vote for dumbest ad ever on WWHM by a landslide. Seriously, worse than the 200+ on here. This is like, revolting, but hilarious, but fucking inanely stupid. There is no way this guy has ever touched a woman. Period.

robyn said...

This was really pathetic. I thought the chosen photo accompanied it very nicely--good pick, Weas. But I was rolling my eyes while I read the ad. A lot.

Sydney said...

"You speak in penis person."


Stalker here, yeah I've been reading your blog for a week or two and its hilarious. You should check out the personal ads on kijiji they are TERRIBLE!

Anonymous said...

I don't think anyone but a gynocologist and this guy feel comfortable saying vagina that many times.

Rhyadawn said...

That was pathetic. It reminds me of the mange-ridden dog at the pound that no one wants and it doesn't help that it won't shut up! You stop feeling bad for it eventually.

Good work Weas! You made my day!

jax said...

wow i'm harvesting a crush on Weasel and his weaselness.

too funny.

dry closed vagina indeed.

Heather said...

Am I the only one that picked up on the fact that his lonely, neglected penis is looking for a lonely, neglected BEAUTIFUL vagina??

Seriously, what is up with these men? At this point, I think Greggers should settle for any ole vagina he can get. Oh, wait...I meant Greggers' penis should settle for any ole vagina it can get.

Annand Virk said...


Eccentric_Lady said...

Weasel, this one is going in your Hall of Shame, right?

CrazySparkles said...

Dear Greg,

If your dick is feeling "neglected", I may have a cure. They're called hands, and they seem to work pretty well for that kind of thing especially since I'd think you'd have a hard time even hiring a hooker. Unless however you cannot reach or see your penis due to being large. In that case, well, you may as well try to use a mattress like an earlier fellow on this blog. Cheers.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

" I feel like I just walked into a puppet show titled "How Not to Get Laid."


Wow. Um, there are girls out there who get into cutesey teddy bears...not like your penis talking. NO ONE gets into that.


You know, I knew there were weirdos out there but they're getting weirder.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Sometimes I think you should just rename the blog Why Men Can't Get Laid. It'd be just as accurate!

Anonymous said...

the thing i struggle with about guys ads like this, is imagining how awesome and smart this guy must have thought he was at the completion of writing his ad.

i imagine him thinking, "imagination... creativity... thats what girls REALLY want. *light bulb* i know! ill write my penis' monologue!"

and then, mentally high-fiving himself ahaha


Havocec said...

...and the "high protien, love potion"

Who started the myth that semen was high protien? It's actually high in "sugars", fuel for the little swimmers. They don't have hands to carry a box lunch for their journey. Salt is also low or non-existant. Saw it all on TLC.

Nosnikta said...

I don't care what it's high in... it still makes me gag.

I agree this guy must have thought how clever he was while writing this. He clevered himself right into our clutches! ha ha ha ha... fool.

Ella said...

also, its CIAO!

Weasel said...


I couldn't have said it better myself. You just perfectly captured why I think this ad is SO stupid.

Because at some point, this guy sat back in a computer chair, dusted his hands off, and probably smiled at his own brilliance thinking "Wow, if this doesn't show them I'm a catch, I don't know what will."

He probably even told his friends what a brilliant, creative personal he wrote, as he guffawed between his two yellow teeth and spilled raviolis and sauce down his "Knight Rider" t-shirt.

My biggest frustration with idiot men is they DO NOT understand that women DO NOT think like we do. And almost all the guys on WWHM have written ads from a perspective that women DO think exactly like we do. It brings us back to the porn ideology.

Guys can get hard just seeing a pair of tits/ pussy, and we're wired to want to fuck all the time and ask questions later. Women can be that way, but as a general rule they aren't.

But for some STUPID fucking reason, a lot of these monkeys think women DO think that way, hence you get all these retarded ads with guys showing nothing but their cocks and thinking you'll run to them and start blowing.


Don't get me wrong, I love porn, but I realize it's a fantasy and that's it. Do some research about what it's really like to be on a porn set and even a guy's mind changes fast. Because male porn stars, as a whole, don't like being porn stars because it eats them alive psychologically. It takes away any ability to act as a human being in normal situations.

Havocec- thanks for the schooling lol. Someone's been doing their research.

And EccentricLady, I think you're right, "Cock Talk" might go into the Hall of Fame. This one just fucking stuns me.

Karmyn said...

Sounds like somebody needs to invest in some cyberskin toys. They even have a 'doggie style' one now so you don't have to flip over the fake vayjayjay yourself. Ain't technology grand?

wheelin126 said...

Ya but Karmyn I'd have to say that even a blowup doll with a whole tube of KY would go dry and close up with this douche bags ad! So I guess this guys little swimmers won't get out of the kiddie pool into the deep end of the pool not with him as the owner.

grefuture said...

Wow. You sir, are the greatest twisted researcher of all time. I can't believe some of this stuff is actually from guys who think they have a chance with any female of ANY species. Amazing. Anyway, thanks for the quick post about how you got started (as i am one of those folks who asked you "howyadoit?" I hope that my blog, can get so popular!

Ann of Green Cables said...

This looserguy gets a big FAIL! this was written after 5 mins. of hysterical laffing.

Morgan said...

I am so sorry it's taken me so long to find this blog. I haven't laughed so hard since I read Tom Reynolds' depressing songs book.

Anonymous said...


Mab said...

I was going to go for a wank, then I read this and my moist vagina dried up :(

Ink said...


Ink said...

Weasel I don't think women and men think much differently. Women can be as turned on by men but it social constructions that do much.

Guys and girls are wired individually - one woman's sex drive is not another's and visa versa.

The porn fetish is like romance novels. They make characters who are fictionally inclined and stupidly so.

Women like sex like guys but even guys can go WTF if this was vagina talk and the girl went my clit hasn't shuddered in ages in an opera orgasm LOL

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