Friday, February 20, 2009

Disasster

I got a bitch ass - 31 yr man seeking woman

What do you think of my ass? When I wear tight jeans my ass looks like a womans ass. I think it does.

Tristan

If there were ever reason to apply a rich, gelatinous paste of beef tallow and catnip extract to your eyeballs and rig a box of feral cats to your face, I think you just found it.

Yet perhaps Tristan's decision to showcase his absurdly feminine poop clipper in his personal ad is well founded; a recent Men's Health magazine survey of 1,000 women concluded that women find a man's ass the third most attractive feature of the male physique.

As men, that's no surprise to us. For years we've been promptly and violently lambasted for stealing nary a yearning glance at your breasts, yet the minute we turn our backs your gluttonous eyes instantly microwave our asses into a couple of well-steamed, juicy Christmas hams. You couldn't be any more obvious had you spackled our buttocks with frosting and started gnawing on our nubile asshalves like a gerbil trapped inside a block of nutrient-rich cheese.

So typical of women these days- show her a nice ass and she has to go and start spawning like an Alaskan salmon. Harlots!

Yet for Tristan we must unfortunately qualify the true findings of the Men's Health survey: asses were also ranked upon style. High-ranking styles of ass included the arrogant yet steely "can crusher" ass, the rabid and unforgiving "oar snapper" ass, and the brutally ferocious "Thrustasaurus Wrecks."

Low ranking styles included the always drab "mossy picnic table" style of ass, the uninspiring "onion bag burdened with horseshoes" ass, and in last place, the girlish and pillowy "bitch ass."

Generally speaking Tristan, women find female ass characteristics on a male ass abhorrent; buoyant and marshmallow soft, your ass resembles the ever-fragrant and beefy toes of an elephant or other bog-based pachyderm. Yet perhaps even more striking is the remarkable chasm usurped by the seam of your ladypants. I don't know where you put your asshole, but if I find chapped orb of puckered skin shaped like an Apple Jack in the lint trap, I'll rehydrate it with corn oil and slide it under your pillow. If your cat starts choking, call a proctologist immediately.

Has Tristan started a new dating trend by modeling his ass on the internet bulletin boards? We don't know, but personally, WWHM isn't going to take dating advice from Tristan any more than we'd allow a sea otter to teach us how to drive a school bus.

Stay tuned.

53 comments:

RebelJubilee said...

>>You couldn't be any more obvious had you spackled our buttocks with frosting and started gnawing on our nubile asshalves like a gerbil trapped inside a block of nutrient-rich cheese.<<

Well, you know turnabout is fair play. You could always get a pair of pants that have an arrow and the words 'my eyes are up here'...

George said...

Erm... this is obviously photoshopped methinks. Which makes this even SADDER.

Yoli said...

Yes, George, I spotted that too. It's badly and distinctly slapped together from a picture of an overweight slob and some shot of a girl's jeans tightly wrapped around her skanky slimeholes.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he's just knocking at the wrong door - a behind (and hip) so feminine would bring him more success with gentlemen I guess. The post is hilarious anyways XD The otter part almost made me... well, laugh my *ss off.*giggles*

Xes said...

Haha yah definitely photoshopped... I know I don't want my ass looking like that to pick up women!

TornadoBaby said...

Lol, I saw the photoshop too... hey FHOTDer's... photoshopped asses sound familier, huh?

*drum goes "ba-dum-TSCH!")

Nosnikta said...

ROFLMAO Tornado!

Weas is right about a nice man-ass wetting panties though. Tristan's chick-butt does nothing for me, but let me walk behind a nice tight pair of Wranglers and I'm a happy woman.

Gustibus said...

In addition to being photoshopped, it looks on my tiny screen as if there's a cookie sheet wedged between its legs. I'm all for a sweet-assed man, but setting out a cookie bait pile on his can isn't quite what I had in mind. Pass.

TornadoBaby said...

LOL Nosnikta... Wranglers are awesome on the right guy :D

robyn said...

I love a nice ass--a nice, tight, cute ass, not a woman's ass, thank you very much.

Yecch.

RebelJubilee said...

Nosnikita, you've got a point there. There's an equine affaire coming up around here. Always a good place to scope out some wrangler butts...

CaliGirl9 said...

I thought that was a photo of Kim Kardashian's hind end.
Then I remembered I was reading WWHM.
At that point I understood I was looking at a douche.

emily said...

And I thought my ex boyfriend, who boasted about his ability to wear more jewelry than every girl he knew, was a douchehat.

Xes said...

Douchehat hahahahaha!

Damn ladies, you guys are a real superficial bunch eh?? : )

LiteralDan said...

I think this might be the first guy who posted a ridiculous (the ham-handed Photoshopping for no real benefit is a little over-the-top) ad just to make WWHM.

Hyena Overlord said...

Yes Tornado...PSP'd asses are now becoming epidemic.

----

What an ass, no pun intended.

Truly this is psp'd from the waist down. Get Stacy and Clinton in here. There is another pair of "Mommy" jeans that needs to go in the garbage can. No, no don't undress, just get in the can.

On the other hand if you were with this guy you'd never get to go out anywhere. Most evenings would be wasted trying on jeans and asking each other "Do these jeans make me look fat?" Or listening to "I like big butts and shaking booty together up until the mobile falls off it's centre block. Good times my friends, good times.

Brilliant commentary Weas. I like my manbutts to be round hard, short-cracked with hollows on each exterior side of the ass halves. Hollows, that when the butt cheeks are clenched, can hold a cosmo. Wranglers, mmmmm, with a crease up the front and down the back of each leg.

Reisa said...

1. This is definitely photoshopped and 2. Where would he get the idea this is what we want?

(Scratching my head in confusion)

Corrina said...

That is so wrong on so many levels. Where does he put his junk? Nevermind...

casualencounters.com/blog said...

Is there any particular reason to presume that Tristan isn't *actually* a woman. Or at least a "dude" with Klinefelter's syndrome?

AmyB said...

I remember going to high school footballs games with my girlfriends. We didn't watch the game. We watched the players lined up alongside the field and picked out the best-looking asses. But we sure didn't pick any that looked feminine!

Brandy said...

Ahh, genetics. It's a typical "black" ass, under a too slim waist! And if it's a problem, (and it IS!) don't wear tight pants, durr!!


"You couldn't be any more obvious had you spackled our buttocks with frosting and started gnawing on our nubile asshalves like a gerbil trapped inside a block of nutrient-rich cheese."

Dude, I totally do that to my man's can crusher! His rear is the ONLY reason I WANT disco to return, so I can see his glorious globes in a snug pair of Angel Flights!!! ROWR!!!

LOL, he needs that Tshirt Hell shirt: "Who needs great tits..." on front, and "....with an ass like this?!" on the back!!

So, Tristan, what other 'redeeming features' do you possess? Is your face a 2 or 3 bagger, which is why you face away from the camera?

The Half-Assed Blog said...

I got two words for you ladies in search of fantastic man asses:

Highland. Dancing.


(yes, there are guys that do highland dancing, too)

Brandy said...

Oooh, Half-Assed, I MUST agree! Not only great rears, but men secure enough in their masculinity to wear kilts, ahem, 'regimental'!!

LOL, I was at an SCA event where we had a "Best Bosom" contest. (I took 2nd due to a well-timed curtsey and inhalation!)

3rd place was taken by Magnus, who had put on a lovely dress with overcorset. (Never knew 'moobs' could 'fluff' so well!) Funniest part for me was afterward, as he changed from the dress back into his kilt. He buckles the kilt back on, stands tall and proud and quips, "Ahh! Good to be back in men's clothes again!" LOLZERS!!!

Also, women, here: http://www.solsup.com.au/greenman/kilt.jpeg is more evidence!

Anonymous said...

Good Lord.

wheelin126 said...

Corrina said...
That is so wrong on so many levels. Where does he put his junk?


Well the boys got split in half like a round of wood on a 5 ton hydraulic log splitter lol the other well.....

Fhtrkstr101 said...

Looks photoshopped to me.

LegendsLiveOn said...

Dear God....

I wish my ass was that voluptuos.

I do enjoy mancakes, but he needs to take off the nuthugging sperm stranglers.

LegendsLiveOn said...

Oops... should be "voluptuous".

casualencounters.com/blog said...

Yeah, sorry. After looking at it again it is an obvious shoop. The way that the shadows are rendered makes it all wrong for it to belong in the same picture. The jpeg artifacts also look hugely suspicious.

But, funny!

Biskuits said...

Haha, "Thrustasaurus Wrecks" nearly killed me! Dangit, Weasel. I should just steer clear until my bronchitis clears up. XD

Jessica Price said...

is it me, or does that photo look photo-shopped, i don't know why any sane guy would do that though.

lynettepleasant said...

Totally Photoshopped. Why, I don't know. Maybe a friend of his posted it to embarrass him.

Cut-N-Jump said...

He also has a thin waist and that hourglass shape to his body.

Atractive on women, but on men? Not so much.

When I'm looking at a mans ass, I want to SEE a man's ass!

And at the Scottsdale Arab show over the past weekend, the men were wearing what seemed to be womens jeans. The pockets decorated with fancy colorful stitching and whacked with a bedazzler.

Really guys. That went out with Braxton and Calvin Kleins so many years ago. Like late 70's...

Rachel said...

CAN'T BREATH! LAUGHING. . . TOOO. . . HARD!!

Cut-N-Jump said...

Nosnikta said...
ROFLMAO Tornado!

Weas is right about a nice man-ass wetting panties though. Tristan's chick-butt does nothing for me, but let me walk behind a nice tight pair of Wranglers and I'm a happy woman.


I'm even happier when I can reach out and touch one. ;-)

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>If there were ever reason to apply a rich, gelatinous paste of beef tallow and catnip extract to your eyeballs and rig a box of feral cats to your face, I think you just found it.<<

*diet coke on keyboard*

Couldn't have said it better...

WHERE ARE HIS PRIVATE PARTS? There's like...DAYLIGHT where they should be!

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

Cut-N-Jump said...

Fugs- maybe he 'tucks up'.

There was mentions of PhotoShop. What is it with these people? Is he a hoarder too?

Lady said...

I submitted this, and honestly, around here this would not be considered an unusual comment on someones ass. Chicago isn't just the city of Big Shoulders. I emailed this guy too. Here's the response:

"Disasster"
to Lady

show details Feb 5


Reply


I do not wear tight jeans for that reason. I am regular guy who just has a fat ass. I am working out so I can get rid of it. What does your ass look like.

On Thu, Feb 5, 2009 at 5:07 PM, Lady wrote:

** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY --- AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams.html


Yup, your ass looks better than mine in tight jeans, thats for sure!

this message was remailed to you via: pers-1013088624@craigslist.org

Rykan said...

Why would you even WANT to photoshop something like that??

Maven said...

With an ass like that, he really should consider getting involved in the transvestite sub culture.

"Thrustasaurus Wrecks." Thank you. Word-smithery such as this is precisely why I check in on your blog. You always deliver.

rusty said...

He did a fabulous job of photoshopping his top half of his body onto his daughter's bum. What a disturbed freak of nature,huh!

shikishinobi said...

Ah, men's arses. If you ask me, a man's arse looks good in any form of clothing accepted by the male populous. What I find annoying is the surprise you get when a man drops his pants and the arse is hariry, saggy and generally disappointing.
I think Dawn French said it best when she said "How could I have said that about men's bottoms? They're not beautiful, most of them are quite horrid. My Brother's looks like WIlly Whitelaw chewing toffee."

Snow said...

Even being photoshopped, this picture implies a very, very small front area

Anonymous said...

Sexcam Amateur Fotzen

erotik spiele

Porno Weiber

Anonymous said...

6 out of 10 People in the US, Canada and Europe are Over weight, so losign weight has become the most important goal for many around the globe. If someone is a lazy slob who wants a 'magic pill' to give him a fabulous bpdy, that will always remain as a dream.
One should be willing and determined to in efforts over a period of time and only then they can get lasting results. I find a few programs quite interesting and effective, you can also check some programs here and rate them based on your experience. Find the programs here [url=http://www.weightlosskarma.com]WeightLossKarma.Com, lose weight easily[/url]
- by Melinda

Anonymous said...

6 out of 10 People in the US, Canada and Europe are Over weight, so losign weight has become the most important goal for many around the globe. If someone is a lazy slob who wants a 'magic pill' to give him a fabulous bpdy, that will always remain as a dream.
One should be willing and determined to in efforts over a period of time and only then they can get lasting results. I find a few programs quite interesting and effective, you can also check some programs here and rate them based on your experience. Find the programs here [url=http://www.weightlosskarma.com]WeightLossKarma.Com, lose weight easily[/url]
- by Melinda

Anonymous said...

Excuse, that I interrupt you, would like to offer other decision.

Anonymous said...

Everybody[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/zoo+porno+tube.html]zoo porno tube[/url] heard rumours [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/celebrity+porno+tapes.html]celebrity porno tapes[/url] about women[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/can+you+download+porno+on+itunes.html]can you download porno on itunes[/url] faking orgasms. Is that true? The majority of women have [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/www+free+porno+movies+.com.html]www free porno movies .com[/url] faked at least one orgasm, yet some fake almost all of them. Why do they do that? There[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/porno+tube+videos.html]porno tube videos[/url] are many reasons and the case is that there's [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free+teacher+porno+xxx+porn.html]free teacher porno xxx porn[/url] no one to blame.
The most [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/white+lesbian+porno.html]white lesbian porno[/url] common are two [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/filme++actiune++porno.html]filme actiune porno[/url] reasons: they[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/black+female+porno+stars.html]black female porno stars[/url] don't want to make their partners feel bad [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/emma+watson+fotos+porno.html]emma watson fotos porno[/url] or they are tired and just want to end sex. Most females say that their partners ar[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/mature+fuck+sex+twat+porno.html]mature fuck sex twat porno[/url] e not satisfied until the[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/porno+gay+free+dad+and+son.html]porno gay free dad and son[/url] girls feels orgasm, there's only one way to make them feel happy and stop the[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free+lesbian+porno.html]free lesbian porno[/url] exhausting procedure - fake.
Another [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free+african+porno+movie.html]free african porno movie[/url] reason is that a[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/big+porno+stars.html]big porno stars[/url] typical female [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/free+porno+clips+for+itouch.html]free porno clips for itouch[/url] doesn't seek for orgasm; she desires a sexual [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/amateurs+animal+porno+tube.html]amateurs animal porno tube[/url] relationship only because she wants intimacy. Still, such an attitude may make her partner feel bad. [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/porno+interracial+sex+babe.html]porno interracial sex babe[/url] The only way out is to [url=http://sex.jelev.eu/videos+porno+on+line.html]videos porno on line[/url] fake it out.
[url=http://sex.jelev.eu/videos+caseros+porno.html]videos caseros porno[/url] Some women never really experience orgasm while making sex, but they want their partner to feel good about himself and her. Men usually expect women to have pleasure, that's why females have no other choice. They have to fake to have a good relationship.
Loss of interest, having sex only because the partner wants to, also makes women to fake. Most females talk to their friends about such things and while they know other women act it, they do so too, because it's an easier way to have a good relationship.

Anonymous said...

In biology, sex is [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/free+streaming+animal+farm+sex+with+women+anal+licking+anal+cum+no+sign+ups.html]free streaming animal farm sex with women anal licking anal cum no sign ups[/url]
a process of combining and mixing [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/live+sex+nude+women.html]live sex nude women[/url]
genetic traits, often resulting [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/hardcore+college+sex.html]hardcore college sex[/url]
in the specialization of organisms into [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/drunk+teen+girl+virgin+sex.html]drunk teen girl virgin sex[/url]
a male or female variety (known as a sex). Sexual reproduction involves combining specialized cells (gametes) to form offspring [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/amateur+sex+free.html]amateur sex free[/url]
that [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/teens+sex+machines.html]teens sex machines[/url]
inherit traits from both parents. Gametes can be identical in form and function (known as isogametes), but in many cases an asymmetry has evolved [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/free+nikki+hoopz+alexander+sex+tape.html]free nikki hoopz alexander sex tape[/url]
such that two sex-specific types of gametes (heterogametes) exist: male [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/outdoor+sex+videos.html]outdoor sex videos[/url]
gametes are small, [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/free+home+sex+vids.html]free home sex vids[/url]
motile, and optimized to transport their genetic information over a distance, while female gametes are large, non-motile and contain [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/free+brother+sister+sex.html]free brother sister sex[/url]
the nutrients necessary for the early development of the young organism.
An organism's sex is [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/milf+wife+sex+story+pic+archives.html]milf wife sex story pic archives[/url]
defined by the gametes it produces: males produce male [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/teen+anal+sex.html]teen anal sex[/url]
gametes (spermatozoa, or sperm) while females produce female gametes (ova, or egg cells); individual organisms which produce both male and female [URL=http://sex.pourle.net/outdoor+gay+sex.html]outdoor gay sex[/url]
gametes are termed hermaphroditic. Frequently, physical differences are associated with the different sexes of an organism; these sexual dimorphisms can reflect the different reproductive pressures the sexes experience.
[URL=http://sex.pourle.net/good+hard+sex.html]good hard sex[/url]

Anonymous said...

Where here against talent

Anonymous said...

You are definitely right

Anonymous said...

Very very obvious shoop.

Anonymous said...

7.31
9a
With their "tax and spend" rhetoric the gods have effectively used the Republicans to transfer responsibility for the $14 trillion national debt to the Democrats.
Ronald Reagan spent the communist block into submission with defense buildup, and in the process increased the debt from $1 trillion in 1980 to $6 trillion when he left office.
W charged both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to the national debt, honest numbers to come.
Recall Clinton ran a surpuls at the end of his Administration. Fueled by low petrolium prices, understand how the god's other tools were used to create this "revelry cycle", one which assures people have little motivation to pursue the path and repair their relationship with the gods, for contentment never motivated anyone.
As the gods used W to initiate the recession with deliberate legislation changes, ones which allowed the sub-prime fiasco and corporate irresponsibility which led to the multi-trillion dollar stimulous package, expect this wasn't the first Republican-led attempt or the beginning of the god's "reverse positioning" strategy designed to create an enviornment to motivate people. Much like the immigration issue, where the intent of the vocal masses contradicts the god's true intent of clue warning against coming to the US, many (most) conservatives and those capitalizing had alterior motivives to these eras of "deficit spending":::::
With legislation facilitating temptation to those who are in position the gods have created a trap, much like the tax code and other examples throughout the economy, which will be addressed in these individual's future lives, and fulfills the goals of motivation the gods have laid out for the peasantry:::The gods prey on the wealthy with temptation too.
These are FINE examples of steps the gods took to ensure a sufficiently deceptive environment as the masses began to understand the god's sytem and methodology. For those who would listen I was used to assist people to rapidly increase their understanding of this system. Unfortunate for me, the gods can claim they never intended this, despite being control freaks who guide everything specifically and have the power to force it with AI, and now they are free to fuck my brains out subsequently. Lucky me.

10:10p
Those whom the gods wanted to have confidence in their relationship were told when to take their money and put it into real estate. After selling at the peak of the market,they were able to reinvest in the market at DJIA 6,000.
This is a big part of the scam we have recently witnessed. Expect this to be the way gangsters and those who "go along" steal in this modern era.
I do not want individuals such as this to learn from me. You wanted a bitch should have used JC.
If you had any worth you'd be killing all along now, no reincarnation. Fuck saving everyone for the Apocalypse.
Buttfucking gods. I hope they die.
"The Crucible" happened with Amy for a reason.