Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Table For One

Greetings and welcome to Captain One Eye's dinner theater 46M

Come listen to exciting tales of Captain One Eye's world travels and meet his faithful sidekick, Willie the Baloney Pony. Dinner tonight features an appetizer of kisses, followed by a second course of oral sex, and a main course consisting of a hearty portion of super hard man sausage artfully presented with Captain One Eye's special cream sauce. And one lucky lady will win the opportunity to meet Captain One Eye personally, and take a ride to Nirvana on Willie the Baloney Pony. Don't miss out on this exciting opportunity, seating is very limited. Email Captain One Eye aka Mark at xxxxxxx@

With guys like Mark, you really just have to give up any sense of hope.

Pussy is so foreign to him he'd probably try to feed it potato chips.

Pull down your little mini-skirt, and chances are Mark would scoop your vagina into a mason jar and scurry up a tree like a squirrel that just found a Mars Bar.

Sure we've seen worse ads here at WWHM headquarters, but I know women that would rather pedal a rusty tricycle three miles uphill in a driving hailstorm to fuck an unemployed male metermaid in the goat-milking pit of a petting zoo. And as most experienced WWHM readers know, nothing fucking strokes our fur backwards more than grown men utilizing childish and pseudo-clever story constructions in their personal ads; we'd much rather just entertain another run-of-the-mill online derelict presenting a grainy cellphone visage of his oiled penis to women as if it were a photo of a giggling child in a Santa sweater.

Because hey, at least they're being honest about what they're bringing to the table.

But when you run ads like Table For One, The Vagina Whisperer or Cock Talk, you're simply providing a glaring showcase for your sexual immaturity towards women, while simultaneously trying to get them to fuck you. Believe me, for every 5,000 guys online trying to find pussy, there might be one desperate woman trying to find a dick. And with all those options out there, she's going to want to find a dick that treats her womb like a monkey trying to fish coins out of a jar. Not a guy who pumps, dumps, and wonders why she's staring at you like you just shot her dog.

Your deftly crafted childhood fable of Captain One-Eye and Willie the Baloney Pony might go over well during "Bad Story Hour" at the Greenacres Library, but women already know how the story will end.

An uninvited guest appearance by "Fingers" McGee.


Mack Truck said...

That's not even FUNNY, merely squick enducing.

If Mark was trying to be amusing, he didn't just overshoot the mark, he went miles out of his way with that sad piece of crap he posted.

Talk about drying out and sealing shut, my vagina has a "Do Not Enter" sign for ole Captain One Eye and his Baloney Pony.

Immature, disgusting, and just plain gag inducing. Yick.

lynettepleasant said...

Oh lord. This is just tragic. How could you even look someone in the eye over dinner if they knew you had written that?

Weasel said...

I fucking hate guys that post shit like this. HE'S FUCKING 46.

Grow up, assclam.

RebelJubilee said...

I really should stop being amazed at the depths men will sink to to get sex. I can't quite figure out what the baloney pony is. Is it Mark or just some sad reference to a Will Ferrell movie?

Persnickety Ticker said...

And while I barely glance at the laughable ads anymore, I absolutely ADORE the imagery and word choices that Weasel offers up to us to describe these fucktards as well as our likely reactions to them!

I simply love you, Weasel!

A dedicated lifetime member of your harem.

Hyena Overlord said...

*LOL* erks at the special sauce reference...ewww...

My girlie parts have an I. Q. feature. Idiot Quarantine, no idiots allowed.

Hyena Overlord said...

oh damn hit the send button.

This ad made my vagina slam shut so hard it set the car alarm off.

Bellesouth said...

He neglected to mention the course in which he dines on juicy melons and bearded clam.

Mack Truck said...

I also have a sneaking feeling the oral sex he's talking about is what he expects the woman to do to Willie the Baloney Pony.

God forbid he actually offer to GIVE oral sex, since just showing us his vienna sausage, tweaking a nipple, then climbing on and pumping like he's having an epileptic seizure should be enough for us. Gag.

Hyena Overlord, your car alarm comment made me laugh out loud!

Nosnikta said...

I thought it was funny. In fact, as I started to read, I thought it was Weas typing. One-eye and Baloney Pony had me laughing. Then I continued and the cream sauce hit me in the face.... figuratively of course.

Nonethless, it was at that point that I realized, "Omg! this is the ad" HAR HAR HAR! Sorry Weeezie!

Nosnikta said...

*** He neglected to mention the course in which he dines on juicy melons and bearded clam ***


Dusty said...

"Willie the Baloney Pony"??!?!?!! Wtf?!?
Im speechless.

COMtnGirl said...

'My vagina' is now synonymous with 'Gobi Desert'.

THE MAN IS 46 YEARS OLD!!! Who says 'Baloney Pony' when you're 46 friggin' years old?!

Captain One Eye?
Super Hard Man Sausage?

*Shakes head violently*

No. No no no no no.

cattypex said...

Really, moms need to step up to the plate and tell their sons What Women Really Want, since apparently the dads' versions of birds 'n' bees are given when the dads get really really wasted.

OK, boys, why do boys love their baloney ponies sooooooo much? Women love their girly parts, true, but ..... not like that.

Has anyone ever run across a personals ad that goes "SWF, tight pussy, nickname Slick50."

CasualEncountersBlog said...

These toes will never uncurl. I'm going to have to walk around the rest of my life like a ballerina on point.

Can't. Get. CLEAN.


lamexicanita86 said...

Darn, that is pathetic. Bad enough for any age, let alone a 46 year old. Someone take this jerk to the people pound.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

That has to be one of the most disgusting ads ever...please pass the brain bleach!

If he had a pic with that, it deserves to be posted. On trees in his home neighborhood with a warning!

Biskuits said...

I enjoy an amusing anecdote now and again, even ones that involve penises. But the thing is, they have to be actually amusing. This was just sick and wrong.

I wonder if he plans to employ a captain's outfit in the prospective meeting... or maybe an adult diaper?

SweetPea said...

I can't think of a better way to promote teenage abstinence. Just educate the male species that this is a guaranteed "roll in the hay" technique. No underage sex will ever be had. It's brilliant.

But at some point, someone forgot to tell this poor schmuck that he needs to pick up and read the "man handbook". (that's the one without the pretty pictures)

robyn said...

I don't get the baloney pony part either; is that supposed to be synonymous w/ the daring Capt. One-Eye?

Weasel said...

Unfortunately this ad didn't include a picture with it.

A single seated table seemed appropriate; like any woman on this planet with a sane, operational cerebral cortex would respond to a shitty ass ad like this.

Ads like this one seriously are worse than nothing-but-a-cock-pic ad.


valueofaloonie said...

Um...Willie the Baloney Pony?

You have *got* to be fucking kidding me. That might be the most asinine thing I've ever heard.

Sandra D said...

I have to say that reading the ads on this blog have been great for my kegel muscles.

CaliGirl9 said...

I just threw up in my mouth a little.
Dammit, I like nice freshly-sliced German bologna too. Not anymore.

LiteralDan said...

I'm thinking it'll most definitely be a threesome with Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation Johnson.

Reisa said...

Ummm, I don't get it. There's something anatomically off with this picture.

Jane Bond said...

A couple of days ago I checked out the "Woman seeking woman" ads on craigslist, and to my dismay, those ads were almost as bad as the ones you post. Surely they can't all be posted by straight men.

CasualEncountersBlog said...

Have you met a lesbian recently? They ARE straight men.

paul_linn_is_a_jerk said...

Have you met a lesbian recently? They ARE straight men.


Baloney Pony?? What an insult to baloney and to ponies! And it sounds like something a 3 yr old would say.

Cats said...

I don't know if I should be amazed (or simply squicked) at the sheer stupidity of some ads... Honestly, do men realy think that someone -upright, has breasts and at least 2 brain cells- will answer to this?
Can't we send them a blow-up doll and be done with it...?

Great blog Weasel *uncovers herself from a long time lurker* Do you have a free spot in your harem for a Hungarian fangirl? :)

natsuki said...

That was hysterical. It made my evening. Thanks for posting it Weasel!

Tessie said...

It's all about the context. Like most people, I enjoy silly and/or vulgar humor at least some of the time; and to be honest, if a halfway attractive guy I was already in a relationship with made a joke about "Willie the Baloney Pony", I'd probably crack up laughing, even though (or especially because) it's so damn DUMB!!

But a total stranger's personal ad? That's equal parts tone-deaf and creepy.

Cut-N-Jump said...

I have to give him an 'E' for effort. He tried. Failed miserably, but he tried.

With guys like Mark, you really just have to give up any sense of hope.

Pussy is so foreign to him he'd probably try to feed it potato chips.


I should Soooooo fucking know better by now, than to be eating or drinking anything while reading your blog and especially the comments. Ramen and soda through the nose aren't a recipe for anything even remotely attractive...

Gustibus said...

Thanks, Weasel. My tasty malt beverage just splattered my screen.
Thankfully for all of us womenfolk, Mark's table for two is already taken by his little friends, Captain One Eye and Willie the Baloney Pony. Does this freak actually have two dicks? That really WOULD have merited a picture.

Seriously, Captain One Eye was juvenile enough, but Willie the Baloney Pony....WTF? How does a guy get to 46 and still talk like that. Bet he still uses his "wee-wee" to "tinkle".

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Wonder if Captain One Eye would like to meed Admiral Stout Boot.

Caden said...

ahahahahahah! I'm so using the rusty tricycle analogy on the next asshole who can't get the message through his thick skull into the brain, whose only clear function is in the propping up of said thick skull, that I'm not interested.

bhm said...

cattypex said...

Really, moms need to step up to the plate and tell their sons What Women Really Want, since apparently the dads' versions of birds 'n' bees are given when the dads get really really wasted.
I agree. Unfortunately, men like this get advice from their friends when they are seven and never get input afterwards.

Talking about your penis and giving it a name was not interesting, funny, or cute when you were seven (Trust me, only you and your friends were laughing). So, what kind of brain dead moron think that this is funny at 46.

Endurance rider said...

Obviously Mark is a bit confused. Captain One Eye and the 'baloney pony' are assinine terms used to describe the same thing - a penis. So . . . if Mark's Captain One Eye has a sidekick named Willie the Baloney Pony, then what he's saying is that he has two penises. If that is the case, I'm sure he does have some 'exciting tales', but I still don't want to hear them.

Gee Mark, if you're going to write such a stupid, childish, pathetic ad, maybe you should get your stupid, childish, pathetic terms correct!

You make me want to introduce Admiral Stout Boot (from the other comment) to Captain One Eye's two other sidekicks, Whacko and Sacko.

The more ads I read on here, the more I think we should be gelding humans as well as horses!

Anonymous said...

its fine rather a romantic and funny ad. all u fat lesbians who crave the cock and cant get laid should just give it a rest. put down ur vibrators and get a real cock.
honestly u women. nightare. know yourselves. dont get so carried away with hating the penis just because it hurt you once.
u know u want the super hard man sausage really, just society has made you fell ashamed about lusting for cock. cock cock cock. we know u wnt it. how many of you actually secretly replied to his ad i wonder. your little pussies dripping like a fucked fridge at the thought of it all ;) nice one lezzers good luck in all ur endevours xx

shikishinobi said...

Q: Why do men name their penises?
I hear people give genral names to their penises, some who are like me and use polite terms, and then there are those who could write a full series of sex education novels for children under five. Whatever possesses them to do this is unknown, nore will a man who does it give an answer.
A: They don't want a stranger making all their decissions.

Anonymous said...

Q:why are women's anuses so close to the vagina?

A:so men can pick them up like bowling balls

How to Make a Girl Like You said...

Very sexy stuff on this website, I keep looking for this type of thing, keep going on pleas! Any how if you talk about sex and romance then pussy and penis both are very important, I think as well, and if your penis is big and pussy is small then it give much pleaser to the man but much pain to the girl, but after having sex three or four times it would increase your pleasure many fold. Yes, I have experienced.
Affair Guarantee: Affair Guarantee:

Joe Mama said...

I'm really not sure if "Captain One-Eye" means this guy is missing an eye, which I'm assuming would be a real turnoff for women, or if he's referring to his dick. Since he calls it a baloney pony, I'm assuming the former.

And since it totally grosses out my wife when I jokingly refer to my dick as a "love sausage," I'm pretty sure that women all over are throwing up in their mouths when they read something as crude as this ad.

Seriously, "baloney pony" is the kind of talk that construction workers use toward each other, like, "Yeah, I'd give that chick a ride on the ol' baloney pony" but never works when actually talking to women.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Briefly popping out of lurkdom to say that re-reading this entry has totally turned me off cold cuts, just in time for Lent. Yay!

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