Friday, March 13, 2009
Can you teach me how to eat pussy?
Hi. My name is Chris. I am 19 and looking to learn how to eat pussy really well. I am ok, but my girlfriend says I need a lot of practice. Can you please. Please help me? Thank you so much. Nothing more has to happen if you don't want to.
Yes, because every woman dreams of someday subcontracting out her vagina as a practice facility for young boys whose oral skills resemble a field mule gnawing corn kernels out of a fencepost.
Admittedly, Chris is facing a problem experienced by millions of young male teens every year; namely, he's facing a vagina, and realizing he has no more idea what to do with it than he would had you handed him a piece of string and a roll of scotch tape and told him to build an international space station.
Yet men are taught to face what frightens them, and in this case most young men aptly respond by sticking their face directly inside of what frightens them, usually generating a cacophony of slurping sounds normally reserved for a Shanghai won ton soup convention. He visualizes you writhing in ecstasy; you visualize a horse licking peanut butter from a window. Had the same oral enthusiasm been applied to the surface of his toilet, you could use it to serve pancakes to the Queen of England.
Hoping to acquire some inspiring tunes to play on his girlfriend's reproductive organs, Chris recently took his educational quest to the wondertubes where he posted a personal ad seeking a maestro in the oral arts. A noble effort indeed, yet we don't exactly expect Chris to receive the rousing response he desires; women generally don't respond favorably to requests made online that a man wouldn't have the balls to make in person. "Can I borrow a pen?" Sure! "Can I use your vagina as a feedbag?" Not likely. The difference? Asking such questions online removes the always irritable high-velocity impact of fashionable yet simplistic footwear with the underside of one's fatally exposed scrotum. Advantage: Internet.
In a perfect world, an enterprising woman will use Chris in the same fashion he intends to use them. In fact, I know a few technologically proficient elderly ladies down at the Sunshine Center who still have a pilot light burning in their ankle-length panties; what better way to wrap up a day of lawn bowling than downing a carafe of Maalox Plus while instructing a young and eager scamp to re-create prom night in your new triple-absorbent britches? It'll be just like that night with the blacksmith in the horse carriage 62 years ago. You want experience? You got experience.
Chris, if your girlfriend continues to come to bed with a genital bib hanging from her thighs, you still have work to do. In the meantime we suggest you practice on a ripe peach; they're always juicy, and they don't do their taxes while you eat them.