Friday, March 13, 2009

Teacher's Pet


Can you teach me how to eat pussy?

Hi. My name is Chris. I am 19 and looking to learn how to eat pussy really well. I am ok, but my girlfriend says I need a lot of practice. Can you please. Please help me? Thank you so much. Nothing more has to happen if you don't want to.

Yes, because every woman dreams of someday subcontracting out her vagina as a practice facility for young boys whose oral skills resemble a field mule gnawing corn kernels out of a fencepost.

Admittedly, Chris is facing a problem experienced by millions of young male teens every year; namely, he's facing a vagina, and realizing he has no more idea what to do with it than he would had you handed him a piece of string and a roll of scotch tape and told him to build an international space station.

Yet men are taught to face what frightens them, and in this case most young men aptly respond by sticking their face directly inside of what frightens them, usually generating a cacophony of slurping sounds normally reserved for a Shanghai won ton soup convention. He visualizes you writhing in ecstasy; you visualize a horse licking peanut butter from a window. Had the same oral enthusiasm been applied to the surface of his toilet, you could use it to serve pancakes to the Queen of England.

Hoping to acquire some inspiring tunes to play on his girlfriend's reproductive organs, Chris recently took his educational quest to the wondertubes where he posted a personal ad seeking a maestro in the oral arts. A noble effort indeed, yet we don't exactly expect Chris to receive the rousing response he desires; women generally don't respond favorably to requests made online that a man wouldn't have the balls to make in person. "Can I borrow a pen?" Sure! "Can I use your vagina as a feedbag?" Not likely. The difference? Asking such questions online removes the always irritable high-velocity impact of fashionable yet simplistic footwear with the underside of one's fatally exposed scrotum. Advantage: Internet.

In a perfect world, an enterprising woman will use Chris in the same fashion he intends to use them. In fact, I know a few technologically proficient elderly ladies down at the Sunshine Center who still have a pilot light burning in their ankle-length panties; what better way to wrap up a day of lawn bowling than downing a carafe of Maalox Plus while instructing a young and eager scamp to re-create prom night in your new triple-absorbent britches? It'll be just like that night with the blacksmith in the horse carriage 62 years ago. You want experience? You got experience.

Chris, if your girlfriend continues to come to bed with a genital bib hanging from her thighs, you still have work to do. In the meantime we suggest you practice on a ripe peach; they're always juicy, and they don't do their taxes while you eat them.

159 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello There.
Boy, I was starting to get antsy with no posts lately.
Luckily, you've outdone yourself again, M'sieur Le Weas.
This is another indication of how men, mostly young ones, just cannot bring themselves to JUST ASK their SO of the moment how it's done. You have a perfectly willing partner, who likely will not be around forever, so why not take advantage and explore with her? It could be a long time before ya find another little boy!

Weasel said...

So busy with work- my project is coming to a close, so I hopefully will be back to twice a week at least pretty soon.

Anonymous said...

I hope your project was successful and brings in a little lucre. I'm likely gonna post as 'anonymous' from now 'cause silly blogger doesn't recognise me anymore.
Yours sincerely,
The Poster Formerly Known As Haldis

Anonymous said...

What woman would want her man to put his mouth on some strange pussy and then have the gall to come home to her? I would be livid I don't care how much mouthwash he used I would still see it as me sucking on some other woman's love tunnel and I do not bend that way. How about I go out and practice giving blows and then give him a kiss?

JohnieRotten said...

Well Chris......

The real trick to eating pussy well,is not letting the little fucker scratch you.

I usually stick the pussy that I am going to eat in the Microwave for a few and make sure it is cooked all of the way through.

I ususally cut the tail off, however, some like to use the tail to hold the pussy like a drumstick.

brookeamanda said...

My all time favorite line is,"Can I use your vagina like a feedback?" Priceless.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I love the logic here - I wonder if his girlfriend told him to cheat on her so that he can become better in bed??? Just guessing not...

Trid said...

The imagery of a mouse gnawing corn kernels... It makes me laugh and gag at the same time.

Cut-N-Jump said...

Hey Chris, If she says you need practice, why not practice on HER!

After all what works on some might not work on one.

Besides, why would any woman want to improve your skills for use on another?

Hyena Overlord said...

..."you visualize a horse licking peanut butter from a window"...

now I have a picture to show hubby when I say.."no, you're not good at that. Watch this..see this is you and that's why you're not allowed to do that..cuz you're bad in a bad way."

Not that I'm bitter. I just like to go from the buying of dinner, plying with alcohol, me being on top an accomplishing something to the buying of suck up gifts later on.

Hyena Overlord said...

*LMAO* @ JR

Chrissie said...

"Nothing more has to happen if you don't want to." Sweet Jesus girls! He's hinting at sex! Not only can I have this young stud lap away at my pussy blindly, but should I become so aroused during the tutoring session, fucking is also on the menu?! Where do I sign up?

SweetPea said...

JR - I prefer my pussy lightly toasted over fire. better flavor that way

LOL

JohnieRotten said...

I am assuming you like it lightly toasted with nuts?

mr. mrs. fangface said...

I'm reminded of the episode of King of the Hill where Hank gave Dale a fake Soldier of Fortune job to boost his ego...

"Sorry Dale. I just wanted to help you without actually talking to you."

austriancurls said...

Gee, now I didn't understand that last comment AT ALL?

With regard to pussy antics...I prefer Steve Martin's methods of pussy juggling!

*groan*

Cut-N-Jump said...

In the meantime we suggest you practice on a peach; they're juicy and won't do their taxes while you eat them.

Classic Weasel!


I wonder if she thinks he needs practice because he's doing the alphabet thing. *eyeroll*

TornadoBaby said...

Oh my god... i knew a horse that would divot out the top of fence posts with his top teeth... BEST VISUAL EVER!

Love the PB one too... nice job Weasel!

Anonymous said...

LMAO, this is too funny.

Thanks for the belly laughs, Weas.

Anonymous said...

This was a great one!

Anonymous said...

I'll admit, way back in the day, I use to suck at blow jobs (and not in a good way). The first time I went down on a guy, it took like two hours to get him off. But then I did what any one in their right mind would do - I learned how to become better by turning to Cosmo and gaining constructive feedback from my sexual partner. Now I can easily make a guy cum in under 5 minutes followed by a declaration that I'm the best he's ever had. :)

Bottom line, we all have to start somewhere. So why can't guys like this douche do the same thing and at least get feedback from his girl friend? I'd also be curious to see if certain mens' magazines (like Maxim") have tips on how to go down on a woman - I know there are TONS of books out there on the subject.

H. said...

Why do these guys always mention a girlfriend you know they don't have? I guess making it seem like they're otherwise good enough to get a girl sets them apart from hopeless loner losers. "No, really, I'm not a desperate creep with a baby carrot penis--I just need some tips on doing oral!"
If you at least want to be a little convincing, don't tell us she gave you permission to eat out other girls. IF you had a girlfriend she'd teach you herself.

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bluecat said...

EXCELLENT! Hilariously funny. I've just arrived here from some link on twitter. I have to say that this is one of the funniest pieces I have read on a blog, anywhere!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Weasel. You made the tears run down my cheeks with laughter.

I would like very much with your permission to include 'Teachers Pet' on my new website 'TWATASS.com'
You can of course have a link to this site, no problem at all.

I love your style of writing. Great!

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Cut-N-Jump said...

Cattypex- That's Hilarious!

I sprayed soda on the monitor again, all thanks to you!


<3 U Babe!

Anonymous said...

XD As soon as I read the first line, I was like :O. my ex's name is chris and he's 18, and he could use a little teaching XD

Nosnikta said...

Ooooo! OOOOoooo! Where's that picture with clit instructions that has an arrow pointing saying "Lick here"???? (that still sends me into gales of laughter).

That's what this boy needs! He needs it drawn out for him lmao.

Omg Cattypex.... NOM NOM ROFLMAO!

Anonymous said...

I've actually been approached by a guy with this same request. In person. To my face. In all seriousness. I vomited in my mouth.

Rhyadawn said...

Great post! Just trying to catch up...

S. Stitchery said...

My stomach just heaved and I think my bits just sort of...sealed shut.
Bless his wee heart for trying.

Recent reader, HUGE fan already and of PLFM. crapshoot on which one i like better depending on the day. Keep it up Mr. Weasel!!

S. Stitchery.

http://serendipitousstitchery.blogspot.com/

Tribblehappy said...

"Wondertubes" is my new favorite word. I plan to use it in conversation tomorrow.

You should write your own Thesaurus.

Smoothound said...

Note to self : new invention - Genital bibs.

shikishinobi said...

Hmm, I like it. As in the gay world, one is not born with the natural talents to deep-throat a banana and carry on a conversation about other men, it takes practice. Same with Chris. What I really wish is that father's would sit their kids down and explain the birds and the bees properly and not describe an orgasm as a big sneeze, but a lot nicer. Tell your kid what he needs to know and don't hold back the truth. Tell him you were a loser in bed and then tell him you learned over time. But I must have fallen asleep while typing. As you were.

Anonymous said...

This is so stupid. A mature person would ask his girlfriend to instruct him how to go down on her, or at least let him know what she likes or doesn't like. Or, this may sound weird, but ask another guy how he does it.

We all had to start somewhere.

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