Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Dirty Talk

***WARNING: NAUSEA INDUCING***

I will make you smile! - 52m

I am the only man that can truely make you cum and cum over and over again. sit on my face and fuck my mouth with your hole. Lay back as i will have you blowing your hole in no time. Next i continue toick you clean never giving you a rest as i banging on your clit like a punching bag (you might try to take a break and push away but I wont let you) and start inserting finger after finger into your soaked cuntwanting to suck on something else you suck me off to my first ejaculation exploding in your mouth. You tell me i taste good and i shoot on your face and chest as you rub my man juice into your skin like lotion. Later I turn my concentration back to you and plow your snatch til you cum again. Then ytou call me from work and tell me how Im the best and how wet i make your pussy and I will want to come lick your juicy snatch again.

Walter XXXXXX (XXX-XXX-XXXX )

As a young teen, I was lucky enough to serve my sexual internship with a woman far more sexually experienced than I was.

I'm not saying she was a slut, but to most guys her vagina was like Las Vegas. Going there sounded like a great idea at first, but you always felt bad about yourself when you left.

But I was 15 years old at the time, so I latched onto her vagina like a koala. She lay on her back patiently for a couple weeks, watching me blindly stab away at her uterus as if she had inadvertantly swallowed a small bird and I was trying to scare it out of her mouth. I hadn't a clue how to get her off however, though I tried valiantly with my vast arsenal of 15 year-old sex tricks, including my patented method of insecurely running my hand over her vagina as if attempting to locate a contact lens, followed by a round of oral sex that would have been more skillfully administered by a large-billed pond goose with cottonmouth.

Fortunately, while I was once again chipping away at her pelvis one day, she stopped me mid-coitus, pulled my face down close to hers, and whispered softly in my ear "Talk to me... ...I want you to talk to me."

Bewildered, I asked "About what?"

"Just talk to me," she said.

"Well, yesterday my mom made me change the oil in her car, and. .... ..."

"No," she said, "talk dirty to me. Tell me how much you love to fuck my hot pussy."

I wouldn't have been more shocked had she suddenly ground up my genitals and fed them to a caged bird.

I complied, but felt incredibly stupid because my poorly chosen "hot words" kept coming out of my mouth in the same tone an old farmer might use to explain the market price of cheese. "Oh," I said, as if explaining weather patterns, "you feel so good inside."

Much to my surprise, she had an almost immediate orgasm. Now, I'm not saying I was any good, because I wasn't. While I couldn't fuck my way out of a bowl of shrimp broth, it ends up she was simply one of those girls that could easily have an orgasm at the sight of a well-made chair, or proper bus change.

I spent the remainder of my high school years playing Wheel of Fortune during sex, trying to figure out which words girls liked, and which words caused them to literally have a seizure.

And I think Walter, whose horribly unfortunate personal ad we've posted today, needs to learn a few things about dirty talk. The point of dirty talk, of course, is to arouse a woman sexually. Walter only succeeds in arousing the remnants of a mildly pleasant mid-day lunch.

For example, I know if you're going to tell a woman you want to "plow her snatch," God help you if you're not standing in a Vietnamese rice paddy with a bag of seed and a trained mule. The only appropriate time to say "snatch" to a woman occurs when someone wearing a raincoat just drove off with her child in a brown van with a bubble window.

I know if you're going to say "cunt", you have about 2 seconds to either say "~inued", or pull out your British passport.

And I know if you're going to say "blowing your hole", you better be holding a pan flute and a driver's license identifying you as The Amazing Zamfir. In theory, you're planning on attracting a woman, not a migrating humpback whale.

If the brain is the largest sex organ, Walter is hung like a circumcised fruit fly. WWHM chooses to critique men's personal ads in order to showcase why women are so hostile sexually towards men sometimes, and if "banging your clit like a punching bag" doesn't sum it up, I don't know what would. While Walter's ultra-progressive logging-barge rhetoric might go over well with the boys after six lonely months at sea, Walter's reproductive grocery sack might soon suffer the brunt of such a descriptive beating, and I will happily sell season tickets and commemorative keychains to such an inspiring event.

Stick that in your hole, Walter.

Please post the worst thing a guy has ever said to you in bed in the comments.

I need a good laugh.

256 comments:

1 – 200 of 256   Newer›   Newest»
Bree said...

He climbs into bed with this rather saucy young lady. She says to him "So are you going to f*ck my brains out?", in which he replies in a nervous tone "I don't think I can"

Anonymous said...

First time with a bit of a nerdy guy (too much to drink and I thought why not!). He says in a disgustingly goofy voice "Ahhh fits like a glove"

Needless to say, it was a once only mistake.

Anonymous said...

My ex started telling me that he was going to pump me full of his babies during sex. That was about 10 minutes before I dumped him.

mr. mrs. fangface said...

A 52-year-old who thinks he can get away with sounding like a 16-year-old kid whose only sexual experience was in front of a computer screen? Maybe he's a virgin, because I can't imagine that none of the women that he might've had sex with hadn't told him that he sounded like a clueless idiot. Mayhap he's a gay dude in denial trying to prove to the world that he's straight and hasn't quite figured out the "being sexy for women" thing yet?

Anonymous said...

This post is terrible.

RebelJubilee said...

So, he's 52. Well, I guess he's got that 40-yr-old virgin beat by 12 years....

Bree, thats great!



I had a guy once tell me that he wanted to give me an orgasm during one of the worst fucks of my life. Good thing that I'm one of those that likes proper bus change. Had to love the look on his face when he heard that he almost nothing to do with it. So its a tie between that guy and the one who told me he loved me and then dumped me two weeks later.

Great commentary Weas.

TornadoBaby said...

There's this chocolate chip cookie that's been taunting me from it's foil wrapper all day. I finally finished my homework, went for my cookie, opened my mouth and read the blog.

Cookie is still sitting there intact now. That is the sickest thing I've ever seen coming from a guy... LOL. I appreciate the warning at the beginning.

Sexual experience free here, so no stories this time! *skips off like a bunny on drugs*

Bree said...

That is an actual quote from a friend of mine - and it was he telling me the story.

When the warning was posted by Weasel I was expecting more '2 girls 1 cup' scenario.

During sex I got the phrase 'Ah baby this is where you are supposed to be', funny how that was a place where I never returned with that guy.

to most guys her vagina was like Las Vegas.. - ah Weasel what poetry

Walk On said...

"If the brain is the largest sex organ, Walter is hung like a circumcised fruit fly"

-snort!- A perfect description of the last guy I dated!

Anonymous said...

"That grapefruits were on sale at safeway"

Fanny said...

(Preamble: I do not begrudge my ex this comment. We were both very drunk and horny, but I was on my period)

His solution:

"You could dry hump my knee..."

We are still good friends :) Not all men are asses.

Anonymous said...

The lamest thing a guy has said in bed to me? Once a guy told me "whoa I didn't know a girl could get this wet". Not in a hot, sexy way though...more like in a "maybe we should conduct a science experiment on the physical environment of your vagina" kind of way.
Btw, I was not really that "wet" and the sex was bad. Obviously, his frame of reference was a little off.

Anonymous said...

This reads less like an add placed by this man than his personal fantasy... undoubtedly typed with one hand. No wonder he needs to post online for someone if this is how he relates to women. Yikes. Just.... yikes.

Weasel, I would be impressed at the low-lives you manage to find to post here if it weren't so damn depressing that there are SO MANY OF THEM out there.

Anonymous said...

Oh wow, whilst that was pretty bad, it so happens I read the letters James Joyce wrote to his wife last night.

As a direct result it is highly likely I will only date mute, illiterate men so I am not in danger of receiving such a letter or hearing any of what he said.

If you didn't already throw up in your mouth a little, please google them.

mr. mrs. fangface said...

Well Fanny, the title "Why Women and Men Hate Entitled, Petulant Children Masquerading as Men" would be more accurate, but "Why Women Hate Men" is both shorter and catchier.

Anonymous said...

My husband is a foreigner. I give him a bit of a break since English is not his first language, but once when I groped him and asked, "What've you got there?" he said in a little boyish voice, "Cock-ie." I know that using a diminutive word for your cock is ok in his language, but in English you're insulting yourself. And the boyish voice? I wanted my husband to fuck me; I didn't want to feel like I was molesting a child. Ick.
That was an isolated incident, though. Oddly enough, he usually refers to it as his penis. Too clinical for dirty talk, but still a step above cockie.

Anonymous said...

To add my period story to Fanny's, my ex said, "I have, in the common parlance, earned my 'red wings'." I told him I couldn't believe he said that, to which he replied, "What? 'Parlance'?" *facepalm*

Pishkeen said...

worst thing ever said... when I was much younger, the guy I was fooling around asked if he could fuck my ass instead after I told him I wasn't comfortable with more than a handjob. Riiiiight... because anal is so much less invasive, painful, and scary than intercourse... especially to an insecure and inexperienced teen... jerk. He kept asking too. Pestered me to have sex with him for 3 months saying he'd never had a virgin and it would be so great for him. Ick.

brookeamanda said...

I like how the guy says you will rub his cum all over your skin like lotion. All I can picture is Buffalo Bill from "Silence Of The Lambs" saying, "It puts the lotion on it's skin"...

robyn said...

Oof. I found the James Joyce letters. Here's one of the more precious parts:

You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole. It is wonderful to fuck a farting woman when every fuck drives one out of her. I think I would know Nora's fart anywhere. I think I could pick hers out in a roomful of farting women. It is a rather girlish noise not like the wet windy fart which I imagine fat wives have. It is sudden and dry and dirty like what a bold girl would let off in fun in a school dormitory at night. I hope Nora will let off no end of her farts in my face so that I may know their smell also.

Dang! Just...dang!

Anonymous said...

I was having a one nighter with a guy who was VERY good at oral, but it was obviously one-sided. It made me uncomfortable that he would not let me return the favor, so when he broke the silence afterward with a "thank you", I cringed. What do you say to that? "You're welcome" or "No, thank you"...awkward silence.

Gryph said...

Not during, but after, from a now former friend.

"Having sex with you was great. It proved to me that I'm gay."

... Jackass is lucky he was halfway across the country when he said that, and that he hasn't contacted me since.

-Cyg

Chrissie said...

"Lay back as i will have you blowing your hole in no time." wow, i will have to warn my boyfriend to be careful next time i sit on his face. i had no idea the hole could just blow like that. thank you walter.

Mil said...

"I like both kinds of sushi"

Took all my strength to not laugh in his face XD

Nattles said...

This one guy was gorgeous and Swedish, and so I took him home. We were fooling around, and after I got my top off:

"Are those real?"

I nearly slapped him. He tried to cover with "they're just so perfect" but it didn't really work.

Most boring fuck of my life, I swear.

Jess said...

"Will you go down on me dressed like a geisha?"

"You're cuddly, like a koala."

"I want to fall asleep with my dick inside you."

That's all I can think of now. However, the worst things that have happened to me are:

Getting two thumbs up from a guy who just got my shirt off.

Waking up in the middle of the night with my ex's penis in my hand. He was moving it up and down and smiling at me as if he was doing something sexy.

I am not with any of these guys any more. And after remembering all of hte stupid things they've said and done, I don't care how drunk, horny, and lonely I get in they're presence. Never am I fucking them again.

hellkell said...

Said in the heat of the moment:"Squeeze my balls. These are your balls."

I about ruptured myself not laughing in the dude's face. He was confused about why I never wanted to get together again.

Hjorrdis said...

I think that started as a personal ad and ended as a personal fantasy. I mean to say, I think it turned him on to post so much dirty talk to a public location. I can't possibly believe he was still trying to attract a woman.

Worst thing that ever happened to me was pre-sex when the guy I was with, as part of foreplay, decided to lick INSIDE my ear. I recoiled, got up, and left.

Oh, and seems minor, but I do believe that women would be much more turned on by proper punctuation and even a mild attempt at actually hitting the right keys.

Anonymous said...

He was a virgin when we started dating -- absolutely no experience at all. He told me how "gooey" I got "down there" and that he didn't like it.

I was with him for far too long.

Anonymous said...

God help me, I can't believe I'm commenting on this..

Ok, ladies, is it "cummed" or "came" or is it "cumming" or "going to cum"?

Whenever any of the tenses of the verb "cum" is used, I feel oddly like a 5th grade English teacher, and not like a frisky wench.

Gentlemen, just leave out any of the above if you're with me. Really. Just groan happily, and I'll think your perfect.

Anonymous said...

This didn't happen to me, but a friend of mine once started singing, "Something tells me I'm into something good," right after first penetration.

Anonymous said...

After pestering me so much one night that I actually had sex with him to get him to just piss off, this so-called friend said, right in the middle of sex, "Big girls need lovin' too." Actually I hadn't needed any 'lovin' or anything else from him, I just wanted to get him to shut the hell up and leave me alone to get some sleep. I was so glad to hear he was doing me a favour. Have never spoken to him since. And, just for the record, after all that nagging, he was a limp-dicked utterly crap shag as well.

Vevay Anderson said...

I found this blog thru Gina at From The Myst. I had a shitty day before I found this! I laughed so hard at your posts that I had to stop reading and come back!!

Anonymous said...

We rip on this guy cause he's kind of gross, but I don't think we can pass judgement on how effective his ad is without a follow up. And it's not like he's trying to attract just any girl, he's looking for Miss Right... Miss Rub-Cum-on-herself-like-Lotion. Imagine if he posted a normal post that was less sincere. He'd risk ending up with a girl who didn't want to sit on his face and blow her hole... whatever that means.

I commend him for knowing what he wants and advertising truthfully.

Anonymous said...

"I loved it when you licked my cock up and down, it really expedited the process."

Using the word "expedite" = instant sexy-talk fail.

Anonymous said...

Saying "I'm going to cum in you sooo deep" with a smaller then average penis. Made me quietly chuckle and think of how really, it wasn't in there that far; mood killer for sure, orgasms = 0.

pythos said...

For me, the best was a post-coital quip. After some of the worst sex of my life, the guy says, "You might want to drink some cranberry juice. You got fucked pretty hard, and you don't want to get a yeast infection."

Thanks, champ, but I'll be busy taking the longest shower of my life.

Anonymous said...

omg, i almost puked all over my keyboard. fucking nasty. i should not read this blog first thing in the morning.

Willow said...

"That was a very satisfying emission." It made it sound so clinical, like he was collecting semen for donation. I, of course, was the receptacle.

The runner up to this is being contacted by a college ex lover decades after our month-long fling, which was spent mostly between the sheets. Apparently all that "you are sooo tight" wasn't just sexy talk. He felt the need to inform me that I topped his lifetime list of sexual conquests, in large part due to the aforementioned attribute. If he had only known then (I was number 2 on a list of 16) what he knew now, he would have done everything he could to keep from breaking up with me.

Anonymous said...

He says "you rub my man juice into your skin like lotion"

I hear "It puts the lotion in the basket"

Anonymous said...

I was dating a virgin and the first time he touched my breasts he said: "They feel just like fat." Niiice.
And after sex, "Your belly is kinda big", needless to say that was the last time he got any from me.

Anonymous said...

Immediately after a mind-blowing orgasm (on his part) into my mouth, after an extremely satisfying sex session on both parts... as I am still wiping the involuntary tears from my eyes from having his dick hitting the back of my throat repeatedly "Don't you EVER do that AGAIN!!"

I was stunned. I thought I'd done a good thing. Come to find out, it was "too good", and that came out sort of as a joke. I certainly didn't take it that way. Yes, he had issues. We are still friends today, but he's never getting a session like that again ever.

schammieschammie said...

Weasel, is this an April Fools Day joke? Is this ad for REAL? *retching coffee*

It's obvious that as he's writing, he's paying less and less attention to the keyboard and more and more to the erection between his legs. YECH.

LorelieLong said...

@Anonymous @10:33

Just use came/come. Easier to get right, with the added bonus of not making you look like the above wanker.

Anonymous said...

Ahahahahaha! This is too funny! Oh my. Men are gross. 'Man juice'? For some reason that particular term always reminds me of gravy.
Weasel you are too hilarious.

Persnickety Ticker said...

Worst one I have had was: "Hurry up and finish before my wife comes home."

I didn't know he was married.

Needless to say I got up and left, promptly.

Dozens of emails and phone calls later, he still didn't 'get' why I wouldn't see him again.

Schmuck.

bhm said...

The letter seems more like public exhibitionism than a serious ad. I doubt that he will get a response.

Anonymous said...

"Do you want daddy to dump some dick in you?"

Gag. No thanks.

Mack Truck said...

52 y/o, and he has an ad that sounds like a bad porn movie script? Puke.

This one is just gawdawful bad, and I'm sure he wonders why at 52 y/o he's still single! Blech.

Lu said...

This wasn't during coitus but immediately afterwards. Our skin still has the post-coital glow and we're both still breathing heavy.

He then turns to me and says, "you should really date my friend Mike."

Starchasm said...

I dated a very hot guy for the great sex, which he kept trying to ruin with his giant stupid mouth. The night I decided to end it we were going at it like a pair of rabid ferrets when he looks deep into my eyes and utters the immortal phrase,

"You know, when I go home for Christmas break I'm probably going to have sex with my ex-girlfriend."

He couldn't figure out why that might have been a mood breaker.


"I know if you're going to say "cunt", you have about 2 seconds to either say "~inued", or pull out your British passport."

HI-larious!

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised there aren't more "daddy" comments.
Or is it just me who keeps running into "Who's your daddy?", "Take it from daddy" and "That's daddy's pussy"?
Now, my daddy is 74 and every f'ing one better leave him alone. Besides, if any daddy has a pussy, that's not something I'd particularly enjoy seeing up close.

Also...
"I have problems kissing you because you swallow." [we were involved in a somewhat committed long-term relationship-kinda affair, and it's not like I tried to kiss him AFTER he'd just come in my mouth]
"I thought you loved it."
"You know I do."
"Would you rather I didn't?"
"Hell no!"
"So... we aren't gonna kiss... ever?"
"Just gimme some time. I'll get over it."
Good luck with your next one, bro!

Anonymous said...

First I laughed. Then I threw up a little in my mouth. Then I laughed some more. Terrible things guys have said to me in bed?
"Tiiiime to make the donuts!" (no, really)
"Did it arouse you when I fondled your clitoris?" (I nearly gave myself an aneurysm not laughing)
and my favorite...
"Tell me how much you LOVE my pounding my cock in you!!!"
(Um, no.)

NYCowgirl said...

"The only appropriate time to say "snatch" to a woman occurs when someone wearing a raincoat just drove off with her child in a brown van with a bubble window."

Inappropriate on so many levels.

Love. It.

Devil Doll said...

"You're so tight...just like a little girl."

yolanda said...

Someone really needs to explain to Walter that there's a difference between a personal's ad, where you're trying to attract a date, and a letters column in Hustler where you're demonstrating your pornographic artistry. Yech, gross, ewwww, get OUT of my head you disgusting pig!

Anonymous said...

Guy I'd been dating for a very long time and was really comfy with...during the heat of a very good sexual encounter (and he wasn't what I'd call well endowed but he was/is a nice guy)...I was on top...he said while he was SPANKING ME (a first for me) "Oh yeah baby, tell daddy how much you love to fuck him. Is this my pussy? Is this daddy's pussy? Come on baby, tell me whose pussy this is!?!"

IMMEDIATE turn off. I swear I just wanted to blurt out, "IT'S MY PUSSY DAMNIT! Now don't ask me again!" We remain friends but that just ruined the sexual aspect.

Like another commenter I had a guy comment on how "wet" I was a couple of times. How he'd never seen anyone get that wet. Yeah, it was like he wanted to conduct a science project!

Anonymous said...

And this is why most women don't like their men watching porn.

It's okay if they realize that most of what happens in porn is fictional. Those ladies get PAID to act like they like the disgusting stuff that goes on in one of those things.

Unfortunately, a lot of guys seem to use porn as an educational resource and think that something is wrong with a woman if she doesn't want to have ejaculate in her mouth or in her eyeball as she moans wildly.

Anonymous said...

A long time boyfriend once asked me, during sex, if I was his little fuck doll. well I was, so it didn't really bother me until after we broke up.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe I'm sharing this...
So every date leading up to this one consisted of me FIGHTING him to keep some peice of clothing on, then this is when I just gave up and cut and run.
After marathon 69ing and several hours of nekkid foreplay, I finally gave up the fight (third date, I'm not usually ready to sleep with a guy by #3) I say to him "I have some condoms in the dresser"

His response? "I think we can wait" Then he's immediately hands off.

WTF??? If a woman offers herself, you don't say no, especially after making her crazy trying to keep you OUT of her pants. I gave him an ass out out friendly hug in the morning and a nice "see you around".

Angelina said...

A daring guy who tried to seduce me into his bed once offered to "rub his pubes against [my] vagina". I led him on for months just to receive texts of that nature to share with my girlfriends over mojitos.

From what I hear, he still hasn't found a girl...

Chrissie said...

alright, the only difference between acceptable and unacceptable dirty talk is how much you love the guy.

"Is this daddy's pussy?"

if this is coming from a guy you don't love, then it's disgusting. if you're in love with him, and/or he looks like matt damon, your response would be "you're fucking right it is!" so ladies, owe up. and admit that you find walter, and these other horror stories to be awful, simply because THEY'RE disgusting...the words have nothing to do with the gross-factor.

Hyena Overlord said...

"And I think Walter, whose horribly unfortunate personal ad we've posted today, needs to learn a few things about dirty talk. The point of dirty talk, of course, is to arouse a woman sexually. Walter only succeeds in arousing the remnants of a mildly pleasant mid-day lunch."

Yes arouse it long enough for it to throw itself under a bus to get away from him.

I don't have any in bed stupid guy experiences. But I did have a "watch-me-on-my-web-cam" stupid guy experience last night. "Watch me" bugged me til I tuned in. The proceded to repeatedly put the barrel of a hand gun in his mouth and against the side of his head. "Are you watching?" he asked, "No, I was talking to my son", said I. I tuned out and will probably never speak to the dumbass again.

Sometimes I get sloppy and become sympathetic to someone's lot in life (someday I will learn). So I sat up and talked to him in a chat room til 3 yesterday morning. Last night he proved that he isn't interested in improving his life. Sort of like the pathetic ads Weas finds. I don't think these guys really want someone in their life. They just like to say they tried, were rejected and then go back to living in a room full of boxes.

Anyway, that's my vent for the day.

Anonymous said...

Lu!

You win funniest awful comment!

I remember making out the first time in a car in a parking lot after work at my first job. The guy was sort of a beefy type, and all of a sudden he switched to baby-talk and cooed, "give Tommy a kiss?"

I looked at him, and stepped out of the car. I still had to work with him and he was furious with me after that. EWWWWWWWWW.....

I don't mind different things during sex, but don't you ever talk baby talk like some helpless thing to me. :)

silvarbelle said...

OMG... that's straight out of XXX Harlequin. =D

Lessee...

"Wow... you look just like the Pillsbury Dough Boy from this angle!"

Of course, the worst one was finding out my first boyfriend was a cross-dresser when I went to the bathroom after sex and came back to finding him trying on my lingerie. I was so disturbed I told him to keep it.

After that, he kept trying to let me "catch" him trying stuff on so I would give it to him, thus letting him acquire lingerie for free.

I cottoned on pretty quick and told him to take a hike, which my parents were relieved about, considering he had bigger boobs than my mother.

And liked to touch his boobies constantly.

HaHaHaThud said...

blow my hole?

i think he must be accustomed to inflating the women in his life...

Anonymous said...

While engaged in the best sex I've ever had...he said "Can you feel me inside of you?" That made me feel like I was a gaping cavern that HE maybe couldn't feel himself inside? Maybe he didn't mean it that way and he wanted to hear how wonderful I thought he was..and I am not much of a talker...BUT....maybe it was the wrong choice of words for the moment!

Anonymous said...

he slipped out by accident, kind of laughed and said "fumble." We kept going.
i love him :o)

Anonymous said...

Yep, this ad had me sitting here drop jawed, then I threw up in my mouth.....
Luckily, none of what was in this pathetic ad was ever said to me, but my ex husband would point out all the things he thought were "wrong" with my body. That has left me a bit self conscious, needless to say.

Anonymous said...

I have, the day after losing my virginity, been asked mid-blowjob if I wanted to try anal with him. As politely as I could, I declined.

When I finished, I was told "that was awesome". 'preciate the compliment, but perhaps not the wording.

Needless to say we are not together.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha Chrissie - do you think i look like Matt Damon? I love you boo, happy anniversary... xxxx
UndeservingScottishDweeb

kahara said...

Ugh, that "banging your clit like a punching bag" just made me cringe. Awesome commentary, Weasel!

The worst thing said to me in bed...while I was on top, my hopefully soon to be ex-husband stated that I'm so hot and he wanted a three-some. I stopped and said, "Gee...it sounds like you already have someone in mind..." and he in his sexual-stupid-stupor admitted that he did. Turns out he had been having an affair with some slut at work. :oP He's certainly not the brightest bulb.

Leigh said...

"You're too wet. I can't feel anything."

*headdesk*

SassyAssy said...

Ex-hub told me (I am 38G) that he preferred very small-chested women. This was on the honeymoon. He could hardly fail to notice I was large-chested when we dated and he never seemed to have a problem with it...guess that is one of the many reasons he is an EX-hub! That dried me up almost as fast as mr. bang-ur-cunt's personal ad here.

Anonymous said...

"While engaged in the best sex I've ever had...he said "Can you feel me inside of you?" That made me feel like I was a gaping cavern that HE maybe couldn't feel himself inside? Maybe he didn't mean it that way and he wanted to hear how wonderful I thought he was..and I am not much of a talker...BUT....maybe it was the wrong choice of words for the moment!"

Jeez. You're pretty fucking pedantic.

battyjeri said...

Worst thing a guy has ever said to me in bed would be my husband distractedly declaring, "Our new godson is SO CUTE!!"

I mean, it's true, but mid-sex is really NOT the right time to mention it. ... he's not a pedophile, I swear. XD

Katy said...

I had a guy tell me he was glad I was carrying 'a little extra weight' because it made my boobs bouncy. They bounced right out of the room.

Anonymous said...

The guy I was dating at the time would play music while we banged, out of respect to any housemates who would come home.

Anyway, I had got off the bed to grab the condom, and I turn back to see him sing along to the music, and drum the drum line on his stomach.

If I had a boner, considered it wilted. =(

Mary said...

I was making out with my new then boyfriend, and had already been feeling some guilt about how fast I was taking it.

Anyway, with his hand on my breast and me a bit drunk, he stops and goes "Wait, what is your last name?"

....and, I felt like a whore.

Cut-N-Jump said...

>>I spent the remainder of my high school years playing Wheel of Fortune during sex, trying to figure out which words girls liked, and which words caused them to literally have a seizure.<<



Thanks Weasel. My computer needed another cleaning, and now that it is covered in soda... again... ROFL!

Gryph said...

Oh, I forgot one! I've got a natural golden complexion, thanks to Mediterranean ancestry.

My ex-fiance's first comment when he saw that all my skin was that color? "Hey, cool! You really *don't* have any tan lines."

His biggest complaint about my naturally endowed chest was, "But they're not perky." He honestly thought that natural chestage should be as "firm" as fake.

-Cyg

Ferret Fan said...

Weasel,

You out did yourself with this post. I was crying from laughing so hard!
The part about the rice paddies actually made my stomach muscles hurt from cracking up!

Thanks for all you do to make the world of men more humerous to the world of women.

Ladyfingers8 said...

I was sitting on the sink and he's supposed to be giving forth the oral pleasure when I hear, " Wow, you're so wet you're practically dripping!" In seconds my vagina turns into a windblown prairie. I hop off the sink in search of chocolate...

Anonymous said...

So I picked this guy up at the bars and he was full of bad lines, The first being I said I liked it rough and he replied, "I like to bleed..." I let that one go as I was drunk...than we get into bed after ripping each others clothing off at the door and when we start to go at it I bit him on the shoulder, which he promptly started to cry and said "I need to go home and mentally prepare myself for this..." to which I replied, "Don't Bother..."

jeannie said...

Ah-ah-ah-HEMMM........

Whilst giving my tittes a good firm grope, my then-boyfriend declared gleefully, "Ahhh, Rachel has the BEST BOOBS!"

My name is not Rachel.

His sister's is.

Squeezebox said...

So, one night I finally did the deed with this hot guy I'd been dating. Immediately after we finished, he began yelling at me for having had sex, because I could have gotten pregnant, and he's against abortion and unwed motherhood.

I had had had myself childproofed -- and right after that outburst, I had myself idiot-proofed as well.

Lyn s said...

He's going for it, hell for leather, and at that penultimate moment throws his head back and bellows "Daddy don't pull out! Daddy don't pull outta no cunt!"

We were using a condom. Nobody had said anything about pulling out. And he wasn't my father.

Anonymous said...

I told him I had my period. To which he replied:

"You're not bleeding out your mouth"

We both fell on the floor in histerics. Then ordered another beer.

Liz said...

An ex of mine once decided to be an ass and start singing a song about headcheese. THAT was special.

Anonymous said...

I was pretty young and had read a lot of Cosmo, so I figured my newfound courage to ride on top would go over well. He told me it made him feel cheap.

Tiffani McCoy said...

I've got two awful things I've heard in bed from two awful men I've gone to bed with...

1) Dude had been bullshitting with a bunch of friends about how the male orgasm needed a better noise than just "uuugh." They settled on "Bagooey" (Pronounced Buh-GOO-ee). He runs back to my dorm to try it out on me.... in the most disgusting nasal southern drawl possible. He really didn't understand why I thought it was weird.
2) After about 45 seconds of pleasureless humping, this other gentleman and I had finished our meeting. I was getting dressed under the blanket and he asked why. I told him that I'm just kinda weird and self-conscious about my body. After pulling on his tighty-whities he saunters over to the bed, puts his hand on my shoulder, looks deep into my eyes and in the most sincere and loving tone says, "Don't worry. I don't see most of it when we're fucking."

Anonymous said...

It wasn't so much what he said, but what he did:

I was on top, sitting up. I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I opened them, he was making his hands like birds, looking at me, and then looking at each other. Basically, I burst out laughing. We spent the rest of the time giggling like idiots every time the bed squeaked or somebody. He tried to open the blinds, and while he was reaching I pushed him off the bed. He pulled me down too, and the dresser fell over on top of us.

Most fun I've ever had during sex.

(Who says it has to be serious?)

:D

Taylor said...

Hahaha, I'm so glad to say I've never had any horrifying experiences like these. My darling has never said anything hideous before, during, or after sex, though I think some of the nerdier comments posted are cute :)
"Permission to dock granted" is my line.

Anonymous said...

"Does your pussy want my cock?? Does it??

um... it did, 'til you said that...

"I wanna fuck you like a dirty slut and there's nothing you can do to stop me"... From a long term boyfriend... Made me feel soooo special...

Anonymous said...

"Piss on my dick."

seriously.

wtf?!?

Weasel said...

These are fucking hilarious.

I know I've said some dumb-ass shit in my time, but nothing like this stuff you guys are posting.

I've shared this before on here, but I'll do it again because it's so painfully fucking embarrassing, and I owe it to you guys to make a fool out of myself because I'm an idiot. I may write this blog but I don't know shit about women.

I was about 20 and had just fucked what turned out to be my future girlfriend for the first time.

I was nervous because I really liked this girl, which is rare. I gave her a good first round (meaning I lasted more than 10 minutes, which is not saying much, but I was happy with myself at the time for even making it that far- she was really hot, it wasn't easy. Hey, I was 20.), but I instantly wanted to fuck her again.

So we're lying there, she's underneath me, and I look at her, and I say, and God knows where this came from, I say

"Do you want to hump again?"

I actually said that. To her face.

It was one of those things that just came out of my mouth before the thought process even started. I wasn't even done saying it before I was like "Wow, that was a really STUPID thing to say."

I said to her "That really came out wrong."

We dated for 2 and a half years after that day, so obviously she didn't take it to heart.

But I guarantee you she told all her friends I said that stupid shit.

So fucking embarrassing. I was 20 thats my excuse.


-the Weasel

Anonymous said...

These aren't funny they really hurt my feelings actually:

1st BF after going down on my own morning likens my bits to a sarlek pit. You know that hideous sand pit alien from Star Wars that eats people?

3rd BF while I'm on top 'This is frustrating'.

Anonymous said...

Lyn wins!

"He's going for it, hell for leather, and at that penultimate moment throws his head back and bellows "Daddy don't pull out! Daddy don't pull outta no cunt!"

We were using a condom. Nobody had said anything about pulling out. And he wasn't my father."

And I agree with the woman who said 'some of these are only gross because of the loser saying it.' Some of these are perfectly normal if you love the guy. Or if he is REALLY hot.

Anonymous said...

We'd just finished the deed or rather, he had just finished and I was laying there unsatisfied, trying to figure out the least soul-crushing way to tell him that 3 minutes of pounding away at me (preceded by 1 minute of horrible oral on me) wasn't going to do the trick. He propped himself up on an elbow, smiled down at me and crooned, "I'll be back in a minute, baby, I have to go drain the lizard."

Yeah.

Anonymous said...

During some pretty good sweaty missonary sex his eyes are closed and his head is back and he says "You're my everything. You're my family, my future, you're my religion."

Anonymous said...

I'd been picked up by a guy at the store, after a long dry spell. He wasn't all that bad, but at that point, anything would have been good.

So he's going down on me and I'm getting excited. He stops, looks up at me with a big grin and says "Are you going to pee on me?"

What? No! Killed the mood. Didn't see him again.

Anonymous said...

Ahhh! I'm commenting again!

The sweetest thing a guy has ever said while we were at it was..

We were doin' it doggy style when he suddenly stopped. I tuned and looked at him (what? was he going to sneeze?) and he gave me this nice smile while staring at my back and said "Sorry.. I was making a memory".

I felt like I was beautiful and sexy.

lamexicanita86 said...

My mom made me change the oil in her car yesterday.

Walter's reproductive grocery sack.

You've hit the jackpot, Weasel. I'm laughing too hard to say any more.

lamexicanita86 said...

"I may write this blog but I don't know shit about women."

The fact that you realize that and have the guts to say it puts you ahead of 99% of the guys in the world.

Take a lesson, guys. Making a comment to your girlfriend or wife about your being less than perfect will gain you a bunch of points in her eyes, and pretty soon she'll be giving you a lot more than just points.

undergrad RN said...

My all-time favorite:

[whiny, nasal voice]

"Did you cooooome?"

No.

No, I did not.

Anonymous said...

Oh jeez. I just remembered one. Some guy I met at a party came out with 'I have a message to deliver, to the very centre of you...' OH GOD it still makes me cringe now. Sadly, I did not gather my clothes and leave immediately (I was horny, shut up...) but really, I should have.

Damned Fallacy said...

This wasn't said in bed, but a guy who was trying to get into my pants actually said "Can we have sex in your car? It'll only take five minutes!"

Yeah, that's a selling point. Needless to say, I didn't give him an opportunity to prove it.

Anonymous said...

So during 'morning wood', I am on top, we are going at it like no tomorrow and just as I am about to finish he says:

"Are you having fun?"

Not in a concerned way, more like he's asking his grandmother during a family picnic, you know, just to be polite...

Cut-N-Jump said...

Not sure if this is the worst or best line ever?

"I want to tickle your bellybutton from the inside out."

I guess it depends on who is saying it.

Laura said...

My ex-husband's idea of a seductive line:

"Are you taking a shower tonight?"

Anonymous said...

Same guy:
Upon being told that I had once had vaginal surgery and there may be some scar tissue - don't freak out, he responded, "I dunno, you seem sort of medium sized to me."

Upon me insisting he wear a condom even though I was on BC, "Well, it's physically impossible for you to get pregnant, but OK."

Looking back, not entirely sure why I slept with him at all

Mack Truck said...

"Who's your daddy"

Seriously, how did THAT ever get into the sexy talk vernacular?

Totally squick inducing, even when said by someone I'm totally hot and ready for.

I don't WANT to fuck my daddy!

Anonymous said...

After I recovered from Walter's romantic turn of phrase, I was reading these comments and thinking thank god nobody ever said this unbelievable stuff to me. Then a suppressed memory arose... My first time. Honest.

"Sorry, but I just don't believe you were a virgin. Your technique was just too good. In fact I deliberately fucked you as hard as I could just to see. You must have done it before."

What you might call a backhanded compliment perhaps. I walked. But not immediately.

Anonymous said...

Here's one: I dated a guy who liked marathon sex. Seriously, we'd go at it for like at least an hour each time. That was cool every now and then, but sometimes I just wasn't in the mood for a long drawn out affair.
So one time it got particularly long winded and to the point where I wasn't turned on anymore and was starting to get kind of sore. I apologized, but told him I'd like to stop.
His reply: "what if I don't want to stop?".

Umm, then you'd be a rapist.

Anonymous said...

Whilst giving my first serious boyfriend a blow-job. . .

He looks down at me and says:
"If this were a job, you would be manager"

WTF. . .Manager?

This was about 2 days before he told me he loved me for the first time whilst I was giving him another BJ. . .

Beth said...

I've had lots of bizarre things said to me.
My ex husband- "You're my little whore and I should let all my friends come fuck you"
I punched him in the eye for that.
Hard.

H-S-W said...

I wanted to puke reading the add and I couldn't stop laughing reading your commentary! Absolutely brilliant!

---

I was talking to this guy for a while and one night we ended up having sex. Afterwards he looked at me and told me with a straight face... "you have completely drained me of my life force" after that I couldn't look at him without wanting to say beam me up scotty...so I had to let him go!

Anonymous said...

Wow this is some crazy shit...

Personally, I'm SUPER SUPER freaked out by the 'daddy' stuff. My boyfriend (who I love and adore and live with) was being playful the other day. I got home from work and he pounces on me and playfully mock-fucks me against the wall and as I'm giggling and kissing him says "They call me ol' papa" out of something he'd heard somewhere probably but I was just like "OH MY GOD EW GET OFF ME."

My bf mostly just says weird stuff jokingly and its funny... like the cum-as-lotion he's said to me before but he was laughing at the time, and so was I.

@ the "I cant kiss you because you swallow" that's ridiculous. My boyfriend kisses me after I swallow, but not if I have any like on my lips. I kiss him when he's got pussy juice all over his face, it's no biggy. (Sadly for him, cum actually gives me diarrhea so I don't swallow anymore lol)

nip/tuck said...

watching me blindly stab away at her uterus as if she had inadvertantly swallowed a small bird and I was trying to scare it out of her mouth

Oh.my.god! I could read this a million times and still crack up!

Anonymous said...

Older man who'd been bragging to me for weeks about his sexual prowess, as he was getting ready to finally fuck me:

(one of us puts the rubber and then out of nowhere a blue adjustable rubber band appears on his cock) "This helps me last longer"

Followed by an 8 minute fuck which ended in him blaming his short performance with "you and your squeezing trick"

Apparently no one had ever kiegeled his dick.

MK said...

Oh my god, this blog is like my own little sick daily affirmation that my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Weas, you make me almost literally shit myself on a daily basis. And for that, I owe you more than you'll ever know.

I consider myself a pretty hardcore geek. You know, the girl who trolls LANS and various conventions for casual geeky hookups, but they have their fair share of horrible results.

"I don't think I have enough manna to tap that ass." A Magic the Gathering reference. Actually hilarious, but at the time rather awkward.

"You'd be so much hotter on my webcam." Mid coitus.

"You can be Princess Leia and I'll be Jaba the Hutt." Because I want to picture myself fucking a morbidly obese worm.

But my favorite would have to be the time, mid-way through an entirely pleasureless, already regretful session of what could loosely be called "pity sex," my hookup said, "I bet you can't even tell this is my first time!!"

It was probably also his last.

Anonymous said...

Same guy, now my ex...
It's his injury talking, and has nothing to do with me, but still...
"Am I in you?" got to be annoying after a while.

And in regard to me squirting,
"Do you have to do that?? It's so MESSY!!"

Anonymous said...

"And in regard to me squirting,
"Do you have to do that?? It's so MESSY!!""

*snerk*

Yes, I had one guy complain about that too. Clearly he didn't realize this is a skill that porn stars get paid extra for!

Current guy loves it. Most guys do.

Lutetium said...

My ex, who as an avid fan of anal sex due to a lifetime of watching 2D Hentai girls enjoying it immensely.

I wasn't.

So there we were, giving it a go. When I told him to stop because it hurt. He said; "But I'm not done yet!"

He also high-fived himself in the mirror afterwards. Honestly, I saw it with my own eyes.

Needlessly to say, he is an ex for very, very good reasons.

JohnieRotten said...

Years ago I was dating a gal. The sort of gal a guy would be happy to take home to his mother. All could ever get from her was a kiss on the cheek.

Finally one night she invited me in, so I jumped at the chance. We started to kiss, then my roamin hands manged to undo her bra. I soon realized she was going to let me.......... And at that moment, I told her " You are going to make your mother proud!"

I did not even have a chance to button my britches before I was not so nicely ushered out the door!

WarPony said...

Gems from my ex:

"You make too much noise, I can't hear myself moan when you do that."

Along the same lines: "Keep your head down, you are blocking my view of myself in the mirror."

"This would be better if you would just lay there and stop wiggling so much."

"You know it isn't like women have to DO anything to be good in bed. You just have to show up and be naked."

"Getting you off isn't worth the effort, I'd rather just buy more lube and save time." Which was odd because he would become obsessed with getting me off and would jab at me with his thumb like a couple of taps should have me screaming in ecstasy (except that would have annoyed him because then he couldn't have heard himself *rolls eyes*). If I didn't respond fast enough he would just jab at me harder, which might not have been bad if he would have trimmed his nails more often than twice a year.

One particularly tasty fellow I went out with was great at blurting out odd things mid-coitus but I liked him and they were not as stupid or insulting as my ex's comments so it was kind of cute. The one I still laugh about is when he stopped going at it, looked deep into my eyes with this gentle fascinated look on his face and whispered, "After this I should show you where I run my muskrat traps."

My keeper husband and I both say stupid stuff when we are fooling around but it is to be funny. Once we get down to business the rule is no dirty talking. We both find dirty talking during sex to be more funny than hot and laughing until you need to pee is not conducive to great sex. It's fun, but makes it hard to concentrate on the sexy time.

Anonymous said...

getting out of bed after I heard

"damn you got a big ol' donkey butt"

he just could not understand why that was not a compliment

Anonymous said...

I had a guy go down on me a couple of weeks ago and he commented,
"wow, that's the cleanest tasting pussy." I think my vagina immediately shut up shop as a imagined all the skanks he'd been with previous. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last long.

Buz said...

I am a dude - and every girl is different. one thing one girl loves, another will cringe at... everyone has their own quirk and its just a case of finding out what the girl you are with likes... Ive been with girls who just wont let you stop talking, otheres that hate it, and my current 2yr relationship, she doesnt get off until she hears the words "im going to cum inside you" - she begs "aww, i wanna feel you cum inside me"...
everyone is different... its just how it is...

Anonymous said...

It was a great night, I had asked my ex-wife to marry me. She said yes!

I had it all planned, I had a cnadle light dinner made, and everything was perfect.

After dinner we proceeded to have at the time what I though was going to be, what I thought was going to be the best sex ever!

Ofcourse, being that we were not married yet, I still had to wear a condom. So at the appropriate time, I priceeded to put the condom on. Damn! The damn thing broke, quick get anothe one andtake this off as quicly as possible!

I grabbed the tip of the broken condom, it would not come off that easily, even though it was broken. It kept stretching until finally it came off. There was a horrifoed look on my ex's face. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me the damn condom came off and snapped her in the boob, right on the nipple.

She left in an awful hurry, screaming at me with tears running down her cheeks.

Perhaps, and this is just a thought, I should not have laughrd when she told me what happened!

Ofcourse we did get married, obviously she is my ex wife, but it did not last long. And yes, sex was definitely out that night!

Anonymous said...

A guy told me to "ride him like a thoroughbread". WTF?! This was before any foreplay or anything else...

Anonymous said...

"Give me two euros and I'll go and buy condoms".

Really.

schammieschammie said...

WarPony said "looked deep into my eyes with this gentle fascinated look on his face and whispered, "After this I should show you where I run my muskrat traps." "

SNORK!!! Had to mop up the water on that one.. I was totally unprepared. How did you not just fall off the bed laughing your ass off?

Bunny said...

Perhaps I should have known it was coming, when while dancing he made the comment my hips moved "like the very air itself", but I nearly died trying not to laugh in his face later when he pulls back, looks deep into my eyes, and purrs "Your tongue is like a SNAKE!"

>_<

Anonymous said...

He was attempting to pleasure me and apparently the experience was profound enough he felt it necessary to pause and inform me, "You don't taste like tuna."
What a romantic evening of watching TV that turned out to be.

Weasel said...

These are fucking hilarious.

Grotesque said...

Translation:
Dance, puppets, dance!

Anonymous said...

I just remembered another one: one ex boyfriend, whilst performing oral sex, commented, "I can always tell when you're going to be getting your period. You taste and smell different." Delivered in a rather dispassionate, clinical tone. (Well, he was an M.D.)

Needless to say, I never, ever wanted him to go there again. I'm self-conscious about receiving oral sex, and that bastard knew it and probably figured he'd get himself out of having to reciprocate for all the BJ's he received from me.

The good comments outweigh the bad ones by about 100:1, though. I had one lover who very generously would describe the gestures or actions or comments of mine that would excite him. I loved that.

StopDropRollChic said...

I was at a party with my bf at the time and I walked away to grab a drink, only to come back and find my boy talking to a couple of pretty girls who had just walked in the door.

Blowing it off as some old friends, I didn't think much of it. I saw the exchanging of numbers, as he had said "I forgot your number, what is it again?"

Okay, fastfoward to getting frisky upstairs.

As were gettin it on, I asked him who one of the pretty girls he was talkin' to downstairs was. He responds "Oh thats Heather, were aquantinces." I said, "she is pretty." He says as he pulling my clothes off, "Yeah she is very pretty, almost as pretty as you are."

Bye Bye horniness and Hello tears.

WarPony said...

schammieschammie said...

"WarPony said "looked deep into my eyes with this gentle fascinated look on his face and whispered, "After this I should show you where I run my muskrat traps." "

SNORK!!! Had to mop up the water on that one.. I was totally unprepared. How did you not just fall off the bed laughing your ass off?"


The split second where I was trying to figure out what "muskrat traps" might be a metaphor for (before I realized he actually MEANT muskrat traps) gave me the time to collect myself so that I only chuckled a little, and he did too once he realized what an odd time and place it was to say that.

StopDropRollChic said...

It puts the lotion on it's skin or it gets the hose again!

Because ya know, he does like to force things upon you if you don't want it. Like punching on your clit, and backing away...oh no! here come the fingers!

bhm said...

I'm surprised Luis isn't here defending the ad author and chastising us for being humorless.

Anonymous said...

Oh god, Bunny, you just reminded me of this...

Very. Purple.

mr. mrs. fangface said...

Anonymous:

What woman (faerie?) doesn't want her thighs compared to a schooner? XD

Anonymous said...

Worst thing?

"Oh, I wish I really was a woman and you were a man!" while I was going down on him.

I haven't been able to have sex since, and that was two years ago.

Anonymous said...

Haven't got email at the moment

http://newyork.craigslist.org/que/m4w/1107641228.html

Enjoy the all caps.

Bree said...

Nice Craigslist add.

Reading all caps makes my eyes hurt.

Dirty finger nails correlates with a dirty hooch - I'll keep that in mind when I come in from working in the garden or on the car

Anonymous said...

I had a relationship with a man who would cry out in ecstasy, "It's all for you, baby. It's all for you." That would be bad enough, but he was rather small. I always wanted to ask him where the rest of it was.

He was kind of a jerk and I'm not sure why we spent a year together.

Anonymous said...

"superpoke"

Anonymous said...

'Mr Winky's saying hello' - ohh plleeeaase. What a turn off. Did not progress to one night stand.

bhm said...

This is all just too disturbing!

Anonymous said...

My two favorites:

1: Shrek quotes... Only Shrek quotes... The entire time.

2: We were about to have sex in the shower, he held up the condom, examining it and said, quite sincerely, "I hope these are water-proof."

Anonymous said...

Well, I was at a party and hit up with this hot (like Brad Pitt) guy. He seemed nice enough, was going to pre-med school, so I figured it was worth a chance. We headed upstairs, where he promptly told me he needed a minute or two in the bathroom. Well, we had had a couple drinks, so I didn't think much of it. He comes back about 5 (wtf was he doing in there?!) minutes, and tells me: "Go lay in the bathtub filled with cold water and ice. Than come back to the bed and just lay still while making NO noise." WTF?!?! I left that party and happily never looked back.

Now, my BF (Jeeze, I love him) likes to pull the "daddy" stuff right before he comes, as well tell me how much I'm his "horny little slut-slave". Yeah, that dries any mood up pretty fast.

Worst thing I've heard in bed/giving oral was "You should really lose some weight. My ex's never looked like you, so I think I should hold you to their standards." oh, em, GEE!

H. said...

Mack - exactly. Chrissie can speak for herself. My husband actually does look like Matt Damon, only much hotter. If he ever used the "Daddy's pussy" line in bed, I'd divorce him and thank God we only have a son and not a daughter.

Melissa Lee said...

Oh my god.

[I couldn't fuck my way out of a bowl of shrimp broth.]

Fucking hilarious. How do you come up with these??

[I know if you're going to say "cunt", you have about 2 seconds to either say "~inued", or pull out your British passport.]

Once again, you have me laughing to the point of tears.

Chrissie said...

lol ok well I stand corrected. A lot of shit has been said to a lot of girls here that I have never imagined. The daddy stuff is pretty sick. I've never had that said to me in any way that meant to be serious. I don't think in any context it's a turn on. But there's also a lot of stuff here that makes me feel sorry the poor bastards who said it. I mean girls vary so much on what they like in bed. Guys pretty much try to stick with what works. So some poor sucker got one girl who thought "who's your daddy" was hot and bam, they used it on every chick they slept with after. My point was really more just to give the boys a break. But these stories were hilarious.

Anonymous said...

On Exchange overseas. Guy I was starting to like, had a rough night (him) so I stayed and listened to him whine and cry about his life. Fell asleep there...woke up with him masterbating over my face. I shoved him acrosss the room. his response? "I didn't want to wake you".
Okay..what was gonna happen you you cum-singed my eyelashes off? Sad part is I told him off and he bothered me the remaining time I was at Uni and sent me letters for MONTHS before he got a clue. Apparantly, it was good for him! EW EW EW

Anonymous said...

On Exchange overseas. Guy I was starting to like, had a rough night (him) so I stayed and listened to him whine and cry about his life. Fell asleep there...woke up with him masterbating over my face. I shoved him acrosss the room. his response? "I didn't want to wake you".
Okay..what was gonna happen you you cum-singed my eyelashes off? Sad part is I told him off and he bothered me the remaining time I was at Uni and sent me letters for MONTHS before he got a clue. Apparantly, it was good for him! EW EW EW

Cut-N-Jump said...

I almost forgot completely about this classic line. A guy who was friends of my then bf used it a lot. Why? I will never know. It never got him anywhere, and with good reason-

"Kiss me, baby. Nothing makes me sick."

Anonymous said...

Me: (insincerely) "ooo, you're so big."
Him: (sincerely) "no I'm not."
He was our area manager's son.

Jen Kucsak said...

HA! Love, Love, LOVE this blog! I'm having the worst day ever. But feel so much better after reading this. I'm adding it to my faves list. Thanks!!

Anonymous said...

Not something they said, but one time with my now ex boyfriend, things were getting hot and steamy and I was ready to go... until he hopped out of the car and vomited.

Yup, my ex boyfriend.

Anonymous said...

My ex-husband once, in the middle of sex, moaned my mother's name.

When I froze in the wide-eyed horror such a thing induces, he claimed that he was joking. He probably was.

I think.

In all fairness, my mother is a very attractive woman and I'm hoping like hell I won the genetic lottery there, but still, the mood was seriously dead.

Anonymous said...

1st time having sex with a guy i've been dating (while im giving him oral):

"ohh ya, right there, woowww, you're such a SLUT, you dirty little SLUT you do that!!!!"

...ummmmm, excuse me? I remember my LONG TERM exboyfriend called me a slut once and i withheld sexual favors from him for like 2 weeks to show him just how nun-like i could be

Anonymous said...

A friend just told me:
She's in bed with a guy. He comes. He then continues to pull away, roll over, prop his arms under his head saying, "1-0 to me then."
They do it again a little later, cos she can't believe him and is sure he'll rectify it this time.
Second time. He comes. Pulls away. Says, "2-0 to me then!"

Doublebanker said...

I missed my internship!!

Top 10 Gif Girls just added!

DB

Anonymous said...

I do feel so sorry for SOME of these guys with little prudes as sexual partners. I can't imagine DIVORCING my husband because of one little 'daddy' comment, or withholding sex to ‘teach him a lesson’. How childish and passive aggressive.

Anonymous said...

Before: "They call me the White Tornado".
I think it was supposed to be in reference to his non-existent oral skills.

During: "Tell me to give you babies, TELL ME TO GIVE YOU BABIES!"

After: "So, do you feel better about yourself now?"

I totally ignored him after that.

Anonymous said...

"You have the most enormous breasts."

Or...

"Just relax," which he said immediately after I had come and was trying to wriggle away from a finger that was, frankly, trying to bang me like punching bag.

Anonymous said...

"And this is why most women don't like their men watching porn."

Yes. This.

Bella Stonewall said...

Well once, as I was being escorted out to his car for a ride home, he thanked me for what we had done in his bedroom and wanted to shake my hand and said he didn't know if he could kiss me on the mouth after it had been on his pecker...if you don't feel its sanitary why would you let me do it in the first place? And after we did the nasty I was forced to watch Saving Private Ryan...the most unromantic movie, ever. Very awkward

Anonymous said...

After sex the bloke I thought was my boyfriend said "I'm so comfortable around you, probably as this is just a short-term thing"

Chrissie said...

I agree with Anon at 7:02.

I can remember one thing "said" after sex that I really had to fight not to laugh at though. I am deaf, but my lipreading is pretty good. Despite the fact that I could understand this guy I hooked up with perfectly well, after we had sex, he got up and left the room without saying anything. I thought he left to go to the bathroom or something. But he comes back with a pad of paper and a pen. The pad had a note on it saying "Was it pleasurable? circle YES or NO" He was completely serious. I felt like I was filling out a survey. I get a lot of weird reactions from people who don't know how to talk to deaf people. That was by far the weirdest.

Anonymous said...

My husband could write a book on things to never say to a woman. He's lucky he's damned cute.

So the other night we're doing the deed and being a little goofy while on top I ask "What kind of titties do you like?". Instead of the "Yours of course" or even the snarky "Your sister's" I get "Lopsided titties".

Lopsided? I'm breastfeeding and the baby prefers one side to the other. At times they are a little lopsided. I really don't want to be reminded of it though.

There's been plenty more that were plenty worse but that's the one that jumps out at me.

ThatchickNik said...

"While I couldn't fuck my way out of a bowl of shrimp broth, it ends up she was simply one of those girls that could easily have an orgasm at the sight of a well-made chair, or proper bus change"

*DEAD AND BURIED* LMAO!!!!!

I LOVE THIS BLOG!! Keep it funny, man.

EmLovesThisBlog said...

Vagina.
He said VAGINA!
(And mine promptly dried up.)

I love this blog.

Anonymous said...

Man, after reading all of these mine doesn't seem nearly as horrible as it did at the time.

I went to go visit this guy I had a crush on for a weekend while I was studying abroad near his country. The first night I get there we go out and get drunk and start making out on the bus back to his house. Up in his room we start taking our clothes off, and as soon as I get my panties off he looks at me and in a surprised tone says "Oh, you're not shaved." I really didn't know what to say to that. I let it slide, but it was really kind of awkward at the time.

I have to say the worst thing that's happened to me was not said, but done. Back in high school I had invited a guy I liked over for dinner and a movie in hopes of kissing him and becoming his girlfriend (cause that's how it worked back then). After the movie, we were making out on the couch, and all of a sudden he gets the brilliant idea to eat me out. In my surprised confusion, I let him, unaware that it was his first time. About a minute later, I hear him heave...and there was his dinner in my crotch. Needless to say, I never let him anywhere near there again...

Anonymous said...

During foreplay, this man-whore I thought I cared about, found a TICK on his dick! (he'd been cutting down trees and splitting fire wood) I backed off and said, "Well, if you hadn't slept with all those dogs you wouldn't have ticks."
I got dressed and left. Forever.

bassgirl said...

"I thought you liked that. Oh, wrong relationship." Also, "Let's fuck each other silly." Yeah.

Shannon Lambert said...

I have to admit, the whore, slut, cunt stuff doesn't bother me when coming from my own partners (but I understand it's an acquired taste), but this guys ad reads like someone who treats a pussy like a punching bag.

The worst thing that has been said to me, and luckily not even on a date but while being bothered for one "I want to fuck you like I paid for it."

And, I agree with the other comments here, if I hear the word "Daddy", my pussy suddenly becomes Fort Knox. Sex is fun, I don't need Freudian references about calling my partner Daddy involved, ever.

Anonymous said...

we had just finished watching Bon Voyage (with Virginie LeDoyen) and my then 2-year boyfriend said,

"Sometimes I wish I were a pretty french girl."

I love that boy so much. He's towards the median on the sexual spectrum, but always tries to act so manly in public. Adorable.

raquel said...

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Anonymous said...

Male is poised over my naked body with his erect penis in his hand and says, "Where does this go baby?" Really?

Anonymous said...

he doesn't speak english and maybe this is sexy in his language but my boyfriend always says when I'm about to come, "give me your milk"

Anonymous said...

"I am woman, hear me roar!"

Said by a guy. Admittedly, it was said to one of my best mates, by another of my best mates, during an ill-starred relationship they had a few years back; and it was said in jest, but still. Unsexy much.

sultaness said...

I know I'm coming in late here, but this topic is just too funny not to comment.

When I was younger and much dumber, I was actually unwise enough to have a fairly long-term relationship with a boy who would request "road head" almost every time we got in the car. Worse than that, his favorite way to make that request would be to unzip his fly and say "C'mon, give him a little KITH" with this TOTALLY affected lisp.

The same boyfriend thought it was HYSTERICAL to whisper "How 'bout a little tube steak smothered in underwear" while the waiter/waitress was still within earshot. I can't tell you the number of pitying "Oh, another bad date for you," looks I got from sympathetic waitresses over this jerk.

I will second (or third) the sentiment that "daddy" is really a matter of personal taste. I can see where it would totally skeeve some women out, but for me...meh. I think it helps that with my current partner, children really aren't part of our equation, now or in the future, and so I never think of it as him having a fixation on pedophilia or anything.

I also wholeheartedly second whoever said "Who's pussy is this?" is a turnoff question. I've told my fiancee that if he asks me that during sex, I'm going to assume he's forgotten who he is having sex with, and that I may need to start wearing a nametag.

Anonymous said...

As a gay man, I simply cringe at what my heterosexual couter-part continually comes out with. Age doesn't seem to bring wisdom either.
The worst thing said to me was That was the singulary worst blowjob I've ever had in my life.
Don't complain, you wanted it, you got it and you didn't check the quality first. Considering he did get off, it can't have been that bad, surely. A note for men: make sure the blowjob giver is away from your personals before opening your own mouth.

Anonymous said...

"If you want it, come and get it"

Electric Eclectic said...

I laughed and tears poured down my face at this post, and the comments were hilarious too!! I voted for this blog as best blog of all time!!

April said...

"you're really good practice for later on, when I get a real girlfriend"

and, at a Smashing Pumpkins concert
"I like shopping better than I like you."

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately I am the offender in this. I am the queen of horrible sex talk. I have talked about desiring to make an elephant out of skittles. Telling him his penis resembled minnie mouse and I think my worst one was to ask for him to check the condom... while he was orgasming. Oh yea. I'm awesome. Somehow he hasn't dumped me or stopped loving me. So its not always the man who doesn't know what the hell he is saying. I really have no excuse either since I wasn't drunk or high. Just really tired. So I fail, but its ok.

Anonymous said...

"I'd like you to meet my therapist tomorrow." This was during the first time we had sex.

Becci said...

This isn't nearly as good as some of the stuff in this thread, but once when I was younger and messing around with a guy in bed--giving him a handjob, basically, because we didn't know each other that well, and I was a virgin--he said, "Can I stick it in a little...? Just to get it wet?"

I think I actually started laughing.

He was a really nice guy and we ended up having a brief and good friends-with-benefits thing going on, so it didn't really ruin the night for me. But it was pretty memorable.

Anonymous said...

I was having rather hot and heavy sex with one of my favorite cougar cubs. Things were getting extremely intense, and the guy was multi-tasking in a way that was close to being mind blowing when he looked up and asked "Are you *ever* going to cum?" I lifted my head, looked at him and said "Not *now*, you jackass." We both collapsed in a pile of laughter. He groaned and said "Oh damn, I just fucked that up, didn't I?" I laughed and said "Big time, baby, big time."

He's been back since, but has never ever asked that question again. I train them well. *grins*

Anonymous said...

My current (yes current, i do love him) bf like to tell me he wants to f the shit out of me?!?! "does that turn you on?" he asked once. Umm with that mental image, no sweetheart it doesnt!

Anonymous said...

One time I was going down on a guy, and right before he finished, he said, "God bless!" (like a prayer, not like a sneeze) It took all the willpower I have not to start laughing immediately.

Bunny said...

"Have you come?"
*no*
..."How about now?"
*hell no...*

An ex who drunkenly was trying to shove my head right down onto his cock, making me gag:
"just try and swallow it"
needless to say, I stopped there.
Then he managed to sigh before falling asleep: "wake me up with a blowjob tomorrow, bunny..."

I spent the rest of the night resisting the urge to punch him in the face. I had to actually get out of bed and go for a walk to calm down.

Another boy, just after sex:
"now I'm DEFINITELY not a virgin!"
(apparently he thought he'd slept with two girls before, but couldn't really remember due to the vast amounts of alcohol involved...)

Kathy101110 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

'"Is this daddy's pussy?"

if this is coming from a guy you don't love, then it's disgusting. if you're in love with him, and/or he looks like matt damon, your response would be "you're fucking right it is!"'

Um, no, it really wouldn't. Not all of us have incest fetishes, and some of us were actually abused by our dads, OK? If a man I was in love with said that, I would be horrified and we would probably break up as a result. I couldn't have sex with a man who got off on being "daddy" to his sex partners, and FORGET a LTR. Sure, it's probably more likely that he's indoctrinated by porn is probably higher than he actually likes the idea of molesting his kids, but goddamn, I'm not going to be the one to risk it. And really, if this man I loved loved me back, he would know me well enough to understand this and NOT SAY IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! Just thinking about it makes me unsure whether I want to barf or cry first.

If he said any of the other stuff, I would probably just laugh at him. Nothing about this dude's dirty talk is arousing; it's just unintentionally hilarious. If a dude can't dirty talk well, maybe he should hush up and put his mouth to better use, hmm?

Anonymous said...

I was a freshman in high school making out with my, VERY short term, senior boyfriend in the garage when he broke the silence by asking "What would your dad do if he came out here and caught me playing with your tits?" He is still creepy 15 years later.

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