Thursday, April 16, 2009

Touchdown

Seeking lesbian couples, lesbian or bi women for caressing 45M

Looking to hold, teach, and participate in non-sexual mutual pleasurable caressing sessions to involve all body areas except the "bikini" zone or the breast area. The ideal clothing for you to wear is a 2 piece bikini but shorts and any top that you're comfortable with are ok too.

I will wear a men's "speedo" style swimsuit since that is the ideal attire for a male in this. We might have to pitch in about $5 dollars each for an hourly motel room. The reason I am asking for lesbians is not sexual, but rather, the women participating in this need to be comfortable having other women touch them, and not enough gals want to be touched by gals and gals don't generally trust anyone to touch them, so this is about the most ideal situation I could conceive of.

I would seek and allow guys but then I would have to find women who were willing to be touched non-sexually by guys who wouldn't be lecherous, lewd, crude, and rude about the whole thing.

Bill XXX-XXX-XXXX

My high school girlfriend had decided to take me out to a very nice restaurant for my 18th birthday.

At least it seemed like a nice restaurant back then, but looking back now in my mid-thirties, I think the restaurant qualified as "nice" simply because there wasn't a zany red exclamation point plastered on the tail end of each menu item, nor a host of free-spirited cartoon characters upselling cheese fries on the tablecloth.

She handed me a gift-wrapped box over the table after dinner, so I took it from her and proceeded to cause a big scene by ripping the paper open loudly and generally flailing about like a pregnant walrus. It was my 18th birthday, and I wanted all these disinterested casual diners to know it. My sudden lust for attention backfired only five seconds later, when I extracted a small gray underwear box featuring a nearly naked man wearing a fire-engine red thong.

The boxcover showcased a finely chiseled young Adonis, posing in a manner that suggested he had been emotionally reflecting upon the sudden appearance of a low flying seabird when the photographer suddenly snapped a picture without his permission. His pecs were fantastically ripped, his arms hung like tree trunks, and between his horse-like thighs hung the identical red thong I now owned, none too proudly, which appeared to house either an obese housecat or a prize-winning zucchini.

"It's for the bedroom," my girlfriend whispered naughtily, as though I had somehow originally misconstrued my new rose-colored cock sling as a convenient garment I might wear around the house whilst watching football with my buddies, having tea with my mother, or constructing a birdhouse.

Our 19 year-old male waiter dropped the check off, and made a point to acknowledge the absurd siren-colored banana sack I held in my hands underneath the table. "Have a nice evening," he said with a smirk, suggesting the question "Well aren't you just going to be the prettiest little princess at the ball this evening?"

Five seconds later, the backroom of the restaurant erupted in laughter, drowned only by a cacophony of shattering dishware.

My girlfriend took me home and immediately ordered me into the bathroom to asphyxiate my testicles in the steamy and unforgiving vault of flexible fabric. After dropping my barnacle sized penis into the wide-open confines of the "retention bag", I certainly wasn't very impressed with the results. Rather than a prize-winning zucchini, my genitals resembled a small caterpillar wearing clown shoes trying to hail a cab.

I tried a profile view in the mirror, but the results generally weren't any better. If you've ever seen a quail hatchling attempt to peck through a surgical glove, then you know exactly what I saw. Despite a few more futile attempts at gonad puffery, I resigned to the fact that my testicles hung with all the youthful exuberance of a windsock in a bank vault.

I emerged from the bathroom in my droopy man-panties ashamed, like a once-proud dog rudely forced to adorn a comical turtleneck sweater in a public dog park.

"Hmmmm," my girfriend said, her uterus constricting into a ball the size of a snow pea. "It looks sort of cute." Yet her facial expression conflicted with her words, and her true reaction couldn't have been any more obvious had her vagina suddenly repelled down her leg, grabbed an oatmeal cookie, and marched defiantly out the door to pursue a career as a craps dealer in Atlantic City.

Mind you this was my own girlfriend at the time, a straight woman with an extremely healthy sexual appetite, yet whom had become visibly repulsed by the sight of her own boyfriend with his penis ensconced in a makeshift sandwich bag and smashed flat against his thorax like somebody had just launched it from some sort of penis cannon directly into the wall of a middle-school gymnasium.

Yet the question still begs, if a straight woman who loved me deeply had such a horrific reaction to my ego-deflating serpent bag, why on earth would a 45 year-old man like Bill even harvest the thought that a group of unknown lesbians might want to willingly expose themselves to his Speedo-wrapped penis while he hungrily groped them in a rundown pay-by-the-hour motel room? That, by the way, they would have to fucking pay for.

It's not exactly a closely-held secret that even straight women despise the male thong. While women's lingerie teasingly hides the parts of a woman men so desperately want to see, the male thong simply hides what women don't want to have to look at. It's the genital version of sweeping hairballs under the carpet.

But ask a lesbian if she'd rather cuddle with a Speedo-wrapped penis or an angry caged bear, I'd give her all of 5 seconds to compose a will, drown herself in honey, and put on a suit made of bloody salmon heads and fresh gooseberries.

I've often imagined a lesbian's worst nightmare. Perhaps she finds herself locked in an ATM vestibule with an overweight, short, bald and hairy man with nothing on but a thong and a pair of dirty, striped knee-high socks, one pulled higher than the other. "Well," he might say whilst snickering nasally into a Penthouse magazine, "what do you suppose we do to pass the time in here, sweet tits?"

Or perhaps, just perhaps, her nightmare might involve spending an evening in a cheap hotel room with a creepy 45 year-old man wearing a Speedo, and gently running his crusty hands over her thighs as his haunting onion breath seeped into the hairs on the back of her neck like the haunting dark of night seeps into a forest.

Sorry Bill.

No vadgepass for you.

124 comments:

ElynSCA said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My eyes! My eyes! Pass the brain bleach!

Weasel said...

Yes, it's a real ad.

But no, this is just a random picture I swiped off the internet.

It just seemed to work so well together.

I couldn't resist.

Great to be back guys, thanks for coming by.

-Weasel

Diablo said...

OH GOD. I just woke up...

That picture needs kittens and ducklings. And warning!

Glad to have you back!

Queen_of_the_Serpents said...

@___@

Do. Not. Want. SO WRONG.

If this guy thinks he's getting anywhere NEAR two lesbians in a man-thong....I think that thong is really tiny and restricting blood flow to the brain.

Oh, and welcome back, Weasel!

(P.S. This is the user formerly known as SlasherGrrl666. I finally got a blog of my own and switched names.)

Mack Truck said...

Oh gawwddd you're finally BACK!!!

Missed you Weasie, especially since Luis and his counterparts have been boring us to death with their bloviating obfuscation on PLFM.

Is it possible to actually DIE of boredom? Another day, and I'd have found out....

Niiiccceeee ad. Not.

Yeah, I'm SURE any woman, lesbian or otherwise, isn't stupid enough to PAY to see some fat, bald, hairy-assed guy wearing a Speedo, so he can non-sexually touch our goodies.

Plus, I don't really think any of us believe he's not going to try and get sexual. He probably figures the women will get so hot for each other, that he'll just jump right in without them knowing, and make it a threesome.

Another sad, lonely fucktard who's watched WAY too many pornos, and not had enough real life experience.

Budgyrl said...

Thank goodness your back! I was about to post a comment that said YOU ARE WHY WOMEN HATE MEN! Making promises you can't keep, so typical! But now I don't have to.

Why does this guy thing lesbians would want him touching them? Aren't they lesbians because they don't like men touching them? I'm so confused.

Donna said...

Yeah! Welcome back. No better way to start the day than a nauseating personal ad!

Lynda said...

Yeah... I dont get it... why would lesbians go to some cheap hotel with some dude they dont know and let him touch them... for that matter why would any woman do that... He's just creepy.

Welcome back Weas!

Pipkin said...

I just don't understand where this idea could come from, Penthouseland or something?

I mean, did Bill not read this ad? Was he watching lesbian porn or on drugs? If a straight girl is not going to let him touch her, why would a lesbian?

What is going on in his brain?!?!?!

BTW Weasel, you totally creeped me out with the "like night seeps into a forest" eeep!

Anonymous said...

Just a fun fact about the "barnacle penis" comment... The barnacle has the longest penis in relation to body size in the animal kingdom, up to 50 times the length of its body.
http://www.digalist.com/list/529
See number 27.

hellkell said...

You're back! Thank god.

This is not the first ad I've seen where a man wants lesbians to join in. I gotta find/send you the ad where the dude wants to impregnate a lesbian "the old fashioned way." This is another prime example of not getting it.

At least know we all know the proper attire is for this party! Miss Manners never did cover that.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, I want to know where this idea came from. It almost seems non-sexual (how many times did he mention this was non-sexual?), so what's the perpous? What is he trying to learn.... or feel?

RebelJubilee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RebelJubilee said...

Weasel, That picture deserves something cute and fuzzy before it. I think I'm scarred for life now.

Great commentary though, good to have you back!

flaming_mo said...

As always, your wordsmithery is the perfect antidote to slime and boredom.

Yeah, this guy's cluelessness is astounding, but the fact that he had the nerve to expect the ladies to shore up their financial share of the hotel room? Oh of course, they're so desperate for this kind of action they would be willing to help foot the bill of some stranger's fantasy!

Lynda said...

I went back and looked at the picture... is that the tag on the back of the thong hanging out? Why oh why would ANYONE post a picture of that on the internet!

Sydney said...

agh wtf!!! X_____x!!!

Just what I wanted to see first thing in the morning goooooddd.

You really should become a writer Weasel.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

"my genitals resembled a small caterpillar wearing clown shoes trying to hail a cab."

I want to sketch this out like I see it in my head. And her comment upon your entrance "That's kind of cute" I mean, is there anything worse a 19-year old guy could hear?

Brilliant!

Sparkywonderlizard said...

Luckily I had some coffee before seeing this.

I think that the tag is hanging out of the thong and he looks like he's wearing work boots. Bravo on the sexy attire.

He had to have been drunk or stoned to think any lesbian ( or any living creature ) would want to be touched by him. Serious 'Ewwwwwww' factor.

And welcome back Weasel.

TexasPaint said...

That picture should be ever so illegal. So I am leaving it on the screen for my fiance to see when he walks in so I can share the horror.

hellkell said...

And what on Earth does this guy think he could teach a lesbian about touching women?

Eccentric_Lady said...

Welcome Back Weasel!

I just think I heard a ricochet of a reality check when I read the guys ad. Bill says it says it's 'non-sexual' but it sure sounds like a scene from a friggin' porno.

Serious gagging going on with the picture though Weas - but yeah, it does fit the add...

mr. mrs. fangface said...

Ugh, I should've known better than to come here when I'm eating...

Anonymous said...

Omi GAHD! Where are the kittens???.. or a nice fluffy cute little duck with a blindfold?

Shannon said...

nice to have you back, weas

Suburbia Steph said...

The fuh-reeks that are out among us never cease to amaze me!

Who the hell calls women/girls GALS???? Ugh! As if that wasn't creepy enough! Blech!

H. said...

Mack - exactly. The whole "nonsexual" thing is to make the women feel safe and believe he's not looking a threesome.
He thinks he's so sly.

bigpainthorse said...

Bill seems unclear on the fact that LESBIAN = NOT INTERESTED IN INTIMATE ENCOUNTERS WITH MEN.

But then, who *would* be interested in this? Ew.

(Welcome back Weasel!)

shieldmaiden said...

Maybe he thinks that lesbians would be somehow immune to his unattractivness? Or maybe he once saw an unshaved butch girl and decided that they must love the overweight hairy look?

Oh the misguidance...

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I just giggle forever at the thought that men think ads like this will be answered with anything but perhaps a suggestion to leap off the nearest bridge and remove themselves from the gene pool.

robyn said...

Great commentary once again, Weaz. Good to have you back. =D

But I'm wondering...what in the hell is the point w/ Bill's plan? If I'm gonna spend time being caressed, well baby, I sure want it to be sexual! I got stuff to do. No time for dinking around.

TornadoBaby said...

OMG... I snorked my brownie at the vagina saying ciao... mental imagery was toooo funny!

Brilliant, Weas! And welcome back!

Lo said...

Weasel! I've missed your wit! Today's sterling example: "my genitals resembled a small caterpillar wearing clown shoes trying to hail a cab."
My neighbors probably think I'm crazy for laughing like I did, but I don't care. Totally worth it.
Glad you're back, even if I have to go scrub my eyes with bleach and a wire brush after viewing the photo ...

bhm said...

Yay, Weasel's back.

Funny yet disturbing ad. I'll add the photo to my new diet plan. If anything will turn me off food that will.

Carol :) said...

WHERE ARE THE KITTIES!!!!

I think I have been scarred for life!!

When the screen popped up, I actually yelled out loud!!

Great post!!

Carol :) said...

BTW.. did anybody notice the workboots he has on with that thong??????

OMG!!!!!

Tribblehappy said...

Holy crap.

I messaged a friend with the link to today's post, followed by the text, "Do NOT click."

A minute later, his reply:

"OH DEAR CRAP I CLICKED!!"

We both love your blog, though, really! The image of the vagina rappelling down the leg is burned in my inner eye (thankfully blotting out your little photo addition).

emrlddragon said...

Just a fun fact about the "barnacle penis" comment... The barnacle has the longest penis in relation to body size in the animal kingdom, up to 50 times the length of its body.
http://www.digalist.com/list/529
See number 27.
And in contrast, if a human had a penis in the same proportions as a male Gorilla, his penis would be only 2/3 an inch long.

Diane said...

I had a guy friend in college who chose the nickname "sweet tits" for me as being a less-offensive alternative to "babe".

Hyena Overlord said...

"Rather than a prize-winning zucchini, my genitals resembled a small caterpillar wearing clown shoes trying to hail a cab." *has that in my head now*L*

Hey, didn't a woman throw herself to the bears in Germany the other day? She must have read this ad and forsaw Weas's commentary.

Hyena Overlord said...

forseen...

and great to have you back Weas. Nothing wakes up the whole house like me aspiration Chardonnay. Thought I was a goner after seeing that pic.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to let you know about this craigslist ad but I couldn't find a contact email. I don't know what's worse - the sunbleached nipple, the gnarled hand reaching out at the viewer, the headlessness...it's the stuff of nightmares.

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/eby/m4w/1125824157.html

Stasia said...

Bwahahaha...
I loved the penis cannon.
So thrilled you're back, Weas.

hellkell said...

@Anon: that hand! Totally nightmare inducing. I got a laugh out of what you can do for him, especially the nothing at all part. I have a feeling he'll get a lot of that nothing.

Anonymous said...

Part of what bothers me about this ad (there are so many things!) is "teach." He wants to teach these lesbian couples... what exactly? I have a feeling that what he fantasizes teaching them is that they really want cock.

Threesome fantasies seem to be really popular among men, less so among women (though I know some women who really like the idea of two guys). For my part, it's so hard finding even one guy I want to fuck, that finding two just seems ridiculous.

schammieschammie said...

WOWWWWEEEEEEEE!! That post was worth the wait! SO many great visuals there I can't get out of my head now. *need brain bleach*

Welcome back, Weasel - you restoreth my soul.

crevette said...

I can't decide if I'm dead from laughter because of your write up or from exposure to the ad or the picture.

Dead is dead.

(Also, funny wordplay on repelled vs rappelled--what a visual and both of them work)

Anonymous said...

This is more about the pic than the ad, but... How is it possible to have that much extra baggage, and NONE of it wind up in your ass? That just seems wrong somehow.

Everything else I'd say has already been commented on by others.

lamexicanita86 said...

The picture is genius, as is your prose, Weas. The images you call to mind, my God. Now everyone in the computer lab thinks I'm a weirdo.

Anonymous said...

OK This guy viewed my profile on a dating site. His is up with no picture:

Essay
I'll gladly view your missive,
I'll also read your scripture.
But I'll not be that inquisitive
If you don't include a picture !

Celebrity that I most resemble:
John Hinckley

Yeah, I wouldn't post my pic either. Unless you're nude with the exception of calf garters, black socks and wingtips that is.

Anonymous said...

Lesbians with a death wish, slathered in honey, fruit, and dead fish.

How did you discover my secret fantasy?

Cut-N-Jump said...

Glad to see you are back at it and stil have the magic touch Weasel.

The pic? No fuzzy kitties or bunnies... You should know better than to skip those and when we see them we know a trainwreck is sure to follow. You never disappoint.

You rock Weasel and this post was definately worth the wait!

Pure gold.

Queen of Argyle said...

Aw DAMN Weasel.....
Some things you just can't unsee!

Do you KNOW how much vodka I gotta drink now??

Welcome back Weasel! You've been missed! :)

Rhyadawn said...

I am so glad I put my drink down!

There truly are no words for this. I may never understand men, but if this is how they think, well.... the other team sounds better and better.


Great to have you back Weas!

mywriterself said...

"so this is about the most ideal situation I could conceive of"


If this is what you do conceive to be ideal, Bill, we are all grateful and blessed by what you can't conceive. And lets not forget the loin fruit you'll never conceive.

Becci said...

Oh man, I just found this site. I LOVE it. Thank you so much for putting it together and for being so damn hilarious!

Tonya said...

Weasel, will you marry me?

SweetPea said...

OMG... why are men so delusional? And I can't believe that this picture did not come from the ad... could it be any more perfect?

36 & Single

sassycowgrlca said...

*QUOTE AD*
"Looking to hold, teach, and participate in non-sexual mutual pleasurable caressing sessions to involve all body areas except the "bikini" zone or the breast area.

I will wear a men's "speedo" style swimsuit since that is the ideal attire for a male in this"


~~~~~~~~~~~
"THIS"???

Ok I get it...
He's attempting to start his
"own club" after being kicked out of "the Furry's" with only his speedo left,

He must of left his wallet in the Jackass costume :::rolling eyes::

The Furry's prob burned his costume for not touching the Bikini areas..

Damn
now I cant get all the kitten requests to stop morphing into this guys next costume UGGGGGG brain blech & damn CSI for the furrie episode

Anonymous said...

So very wrong. Still, not everyone had the fortuity of a childhood free from being dropped on one's head. Again and again and again.

Weasel has been kind enough to let me post a link to my blog here in the comments section. I'm a lawyer who has started to document his time working at a big firm in London. I even manage to go on a few dates. No, really.

I like to think Im writing in an upbeat yet cynical and analytical way, with hints of underlying disaffected genius.

However, let's face it, I'm just bitter and twisted and using my blog as a forum to vent so that I don't punch the managing partner in the testes and run off to Vietnam.

Thanks again Weasel

www.lawdemon.blogspot.com

sultaness said...

A belated welcome back, Weasle. Nice to see you came back in top form!

*Victoria* said...

"It's the genital version of sweeping hairballs under the carpet."

Ah, it's great to have you back.

Bree said...

Pure poetry again Weasel

Nice that you are back - hope all is well,

from one of your many on-line fans

The Half-Assed Blog said...

I don't think anyone will be required to keep birth control in the house or syrup of ipecac, after being subjected to that photo.
ditto to whoever said it would helpt their dieting plan.

CaliGirl9 said...

In all fairness to kittens, duckies and puppies:

At least the photo isn't a full frontal view.

Not that I'd expect to see much from that view except for hanging skin, stretch marks and adipose tissue ...

Cut-N-Jump said...

Just a bizarre thought...

A few people have commented on the 'tag' sticking up out of the top of his speedo...

I wonder if it is a carefully placed, folded up dollar bill instead?

He's thinking he's Mr. Wonderful and all, why not go for the full ChippenDale's effect and believe women would pay money to see that?


If it is money, I bet it was in hopes he would put his clothes ON and cover that shit up!

Sparkywonderlizard said...

I dare you to zoom in and see if it is indeed money.

I made myself queasy thinking about it.

Cut-N-Jump said...

Sorry Sparky.

I ain't going there either.

I just can't do it...

LuckySC said...

This was so worth the wait, Weas! I laughed so much and so hard, I had to let hubby have the laptop so he could read it too, and we finished it laughing so hard the tears rolled down our faces. Way too funny. You're the best :), and SO right on!

cattypex said...

*squeak**blrgh* *gasp* *squeak*

Dammit Weas... That's too much to take in all at the once!

MY HEAD SHE IS THE BROKENS!!!!!

Reverie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
water_bearer said...

Glad to have you back Weas! Vagina sneaking off to become a craps dealer in Atlantic City? You kill!

One word though:

KITTENS

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Gonad puffery should be on TSHIRTS everywhere. I have no idea how I will work that term into everyday conversation (since although I have wieners, I do NOT have gonads) but damn it, I will!

Hallie :)

Fragrant Liar said...

Just wanted you to know that I love your blog, and I even blogged about you. Come see if ya wanna know. Not that you need it, but maybe you'll get some new fans.

Anonymous said...

The reason the average penis-bearer wants to have sex with lesbians is that he fantasizes about continuing the ancient practice of male domination over females {ie patriarchy} by using sex to overpower and control those females who reject male presence in their sexual or emotional lives.
It all boils down to male domination over women, and especially women who reject men in any way shape or fashion. In their {teeny} minds, they'll show the bitch!

FjordWoman said...

You are THE MAN, Weasel! I laughed so hard through the whole post.
Good stuff, that which comes out of your brain!

Mack Truck said...

This guy is egotestical, to say the least.

No, I didn't make it up; I stole it from someone on Fugly's blog but I thought it ROCKED, and was so apropos to this blog.

Weasie, I'm SURE you can use it somewhere, just like vadgepass. I know I'M going to use it as much as possible!

Anonymous said...

hehe, I use to derive great sadistic pleasure in making my (now) ex adorn an butt-flossing banana-hammock and withheld sex until he'd spend at least 10 minutes dancing around like a fucking idiot (while I caught it all on web cam, lol).

Why you might ask? Let's just say I considered it payment for three years of abuse and other misogynistic bull shit, mwaa haa haa ;)

Cut-N-Jump said...

Mack Truck- I'll see your newly borrowed word and pair it with one of my own-

The original ad poster shall further more be known as a psychopathetic egotesticle!

Yep that about sums it up nicely.

Annand Virk said...

AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!

Anonymous said...

I am straight 30 something woman -never even been bi curious but if i had to choose between mr thong guy or a lesbian to touch me... I would so chose the lesbian

Anonymous said...

*puke* ):

fuck you where are my duckies

:( :(

Lynda said...

Weas... I love you but we need a new posting! Its been 10 days... There isnt enough crack spackle in this world for that guys crack. I just cant look at it anymore!

I need something new!

schammieschammie said...

...neeeeeed ...new ...post ...soooooonnnnnnn

Erica B. said...

We all want a new post--that guys ass is just unnecessary, and how am I supposed to pass the time at work if this doesn't get updated?

Cut-N-Jump said...

I agree, Weasel we need new fodder. Besides, I sent you plenty of material while I was browsing the Best of CL on Friday.

Anonymous said...

Weasel, GIVE US MORE!

Fear of a Cat Planet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fear of a Cat Planet said...

Ouch. I can't un-see these things. The only way Bill's fantasy will come true is if he pays a lot of money. Why he thinks any lesbian would want him groping any area of their body is beyond me?

Cut-N-Jump said...

Sparky- I finally was able to do it.

I copied and pasted to Word, used the wonderful 'crop' feature to shave the pic down to just the tag area.

Expanded the pic size as large as I could to see if it was a tag or a dollar bill...










Difficult to tell.

You're going to have to do it yourself and see what you can come up with.

Sorry.

I know, enquiring minds wanted to know...

Corrina said...

I don't think I'm ever going to stop laughing at "droopy man-panties". Ever.

You're fucking hilarious! But you knew that. lol

El-Mango said...

My eyes died. They killed themselves as soon as they saw that picture...

The ad...well now...that ad made me want to become fully lesbian to avoid contact with men. It also made me want to hide in a corner to protect myself from a creeper like that.

samira_catlover said...

Weasel, SO glad you clarified the picture was your add-on; if it had been original to the "touchdown" ad, would have had to gouge out own eyes with a spork.

"...might have to pitch in about $55 dollars each for an hourly motel room." An HOURLY hotel, with those rates? Where in hell is he located?

Mainline chain hotels (e.g.,Hyatt) in Washington/Baltimore region will put you up _all night_ for $100 or so. And they change the sheets between customers.

Let's see---I'm not going to get laid, he doesn't want to touch my really fun parts, he'd preferring to see female action, AND I get to help pay for the room. DAMN, where do I sign up?

wakemenow said...

Oh good god. :( What a scary photo.

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jaydee said...

Does this idiot actually think he's going to "teach" a couple of lesbians how to touch a woman? Yes, I'm sure there are a bunch of lesbians with pocket money and a high tolerance for filth who are wishing they could get some chubby straight dude to teach them how a woman likes to be touched.

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