Thursday, May 28, 2009

WWHM Presents: Sex Addict!

SEX ADDICT 57M

very horny 57m sex addict looking for women who want all their holes filled 2 or 3 times a week// I am Married to a friggid wife , I dont have sex with her so I am here to offer sex to any willing young women.

Younger in 19-30 range or up to 35.


I would like meet at the Super 8 motel in XXXXXXX. you cannot sleepover, but I will buy you dinner before or after at the sizzler steakhouse.. Would prefer a married young woman and sex addict . Must enjoy sucking cock / swalowing

Clean, disease free, twats only// also will get you pregnant if desired//

Do not dare ask me for money I am not looking for protsitutes.I will buy youre dinner up to $15 dollars at sizzler

if interested please call

Mike (xxx) xxx xxxx

While Mike's personal ad initially appears to lack any sort of romantic enticements, please understand that Mike promises he will perform an erotic post-coitus interpretive dance titled "Thanks for Letting Me Slap That Beaver" in a revolting puddle of his own flop sweat.

Now, as most WWHM readers know, I hardly qualify myself as an expert on women. WWHM critics oft contend I use WWHM to "get laid" or "make myself appear more attractive to women," a completely laughable hypothesis considering my own sexual expertise with women falls somewhere between that of a 4 year-old Amish boy and a gay seagull.

When it comes down to it, I'm essentially as clueless as the next guy when it comes to satisfying a woman's needs in bed; women demand I treat their vagina like a clown car, and I end up treating it like a gas bill. While a paraplegic drooling chinchilla could manipulate the average penis into orgasm, the pussy presents a whole new host of problems for guys. We have to focus on so many parts- inner, outer, upper, lower, folds, lips, spots, buttons, hoods- it's like assembling a fucking Mr. Potatohead in your pants. Up until last week, I actually thought the "G Spot" was an inner city discotheque.

So where's my sexual confidence? Let me put it this way: I'm the only guy in the world who actually caught a woman faking a fake orgasm, and I'm hung like a hamster clit. Job well done dominant small penis gene!

Perhaps I should aspire for the confidence of Mike, our 57 year-old married "sex addict" featured today, who's looking to wheel out a few dozen of his wheezing sperm into the youthful expanse of a 20 year-old uterus, the sexual equivalent of unloading an Atlantic City casino bus directly into an iPod store. Are young women really this turned on by the thought of getting fucked by an older man? It depends.

Now, I don't have any problem with older men chasing after younger women, but prepare for the inevitable generational problems. You tell him to bring a vibrator, but he brings a gear-driven mule-drawn dildo called the "Ye Olde Britches Tickler." He loses his teeth during oral sex, causing your vagina to resemble a rhododendron with porcelain veneers. Fingers stuck to your clitoris? Thanks PolyGrip! And try not to look shocked when old men refer to their ejaculate as "monkey sparkles."

Yet I have a few major problems with Mike's ad, so let me "fill in the holes" as Mike so eloquently states. First, Mike chose to deliberately detonate a "twat" bomb in his personal ad. The word "twat" originates from the Old Norse term "pveit" which literally means "to form a clearing in the forest," ironic considering the immediate re-forestation caused by the use of the word "twat." WWHM would like to kindly suggest all men refrain from detonating a "twat" bomb in their personal ads, as not only do women find it particularly offensive, but it also makes kittens cry.

Yet Mike's unfortunate twatsplosion pales in comparison to his misappropriation of the term "sexual addiction." Philandering men often like to utilize the "sexual addiction" excuse as a form of insanity defense against their recurring extra-marital affairs, but like any insanity defense, the "insanity" usually applies more to the defense than the actual defendant.

To imply that some sort of "sexual addiction" causes your infidelity is to imply you have no control over your penis, but rather you are simply a victim of it's headstrong whims. It suggests the penis has the ability to make independent decisions, as if a penis might wake up some morning and suddenly apply for archery lessons, read Algonqian poetry, or perhaps sample a variety of odiferous cheeses.

The truth is we, as men, spend our entire lives actively seeking penile recreational opportunities, yet when caught cheating by our significant others, we might blame sexual addiction and respond "Oh .... , it just happened." Believe me, I'm in my 30's, and for me pussy has never just "happened." I have to search it out like Ponce de Leon.

Besides, calling yourself a sex addict because you want sex 2-3 times a week is like calling yourself a food addict because you had a light chicken salad for lunch. You're not a sex addict if you want sex 2-3 times a week; you're a sex addict if you're fucking a light chicken salad.

And believe me, I should know.

I used to live with a recovering sex addict.

A real one.

"You need to move into a home that specializes in the treatment of addictions," Lisa screamed.

My drug counselor was huddled over me, scolding me for rudely deflecting her suggestion that I move into a post-treatment halfway house. "A halfway house is not what you think it is," she said.

I was pretty sure I knew what it was. A collection of 50 year-old recovering street alcoholics perhaps, yelling at the help for the unfair distribution of pudding, oblivious to the fact their hospital gowns had drawn open and exposed their piping hot urine bags.

My friend Sarah agreed to pick me up from rehab only on the condition I take Lisa's advice and check into a rehabilitative center. I was assigned a facility and a roommate, and we began the 200 mile journey to my new home.

Of course it wasn't anything like I had expected. The rehabilitative facility was a normal house on a normal street, stocked with eight completely normal people who only distinguished themselves from the rest of the general public in that at some point or another during their lives, all of them had ambled through the fur of their family pets looking for crack rocks.

We were all better now in theory, though I still saw the telltale signs of addiction recovery in all my new roommates. The recovering heroin addicts spoke in slow, meandering drawls, while the recovering meth addicts frequently forgot what they were doing or itched impatiently at their shoulders. Then you had recovering cokeheads such as myself, whose normal "state of rest" involved cartwheeling about the house like agitated chickens.

The Housemaster greeted me and went over the house rules- I had to get a new job right away, do my chores, pay my rent, follow my curfew, and take drug tests at a moment's notice. "Oh," he added as an afterthought, "and the new house rule is no porn. For that you can thank your new roommate."

I had no idea what that meant.

"Hi, I'm David!"

David extended his perfectly manicured hand towards Sarah and I. I couldn't quite manage a response; I was still awestruck. Before me stood quite possibly the best-looking human being I'd ever laid my eyes on. While I stood in shocked silence, I heard Sarah's clitoris pop up like burnt toast.

David was impossibly tan, and chiseled like a totem pole. He had tousled brown hair with natural highlights, blue eyes, and teeth that put piano keys to shame. He was in med school and played rugby, soccer, and baseball. He was impossibly rich, and very funny. In other words, he was currently on the "Bucket List" of every vagina in the country. I toweled up Sarah's drool and began unpacking my things.

For the unaware, one of the first things recovering addicts always ask each other is "What's your poison?" as in, what was your drug of choice? David seemed flawless, and I couldn't imagine him whoring himself out for a gram of heroin or a 100 mg Oxycodone. "So what are you in for?" I asked, unable to determine his weakness.

"I'm a sex addict," he answered calmly, in the same manner someone might reply had you asked what type of cereal he was eating or which airline he preferred.

We've all had experiences where someone says something so unexpected in the course of conversation that we simply can't formulate a response, and David's answer delivered one of these moments. I'd never considered sex as a legitimate addiction- we all want to fuck and fuck often- it's a trait common amongst all living creatures. We're all sex addicts, aren't we?

David explained he used to have a "normal" sex life. But as personal problems both past and present began to mount, he found himself demanding sex more frequently from his fiance. "It was my only means of escape," he explained. Normal sex didn't cut it anymore, so his sexual demands on his fiance increased. "Ten to a dozen times a day I was fucking her," he admits, and she eventually left him. He needed help, she said, and he knew it. But that didn't stop him.

David turned to a never ending parade of other women that came to him at the drop of a hat. But he exhausted them all and still couldn't get enough, so he turned to prostitutes and computer porn to satisfy his addiction. He admitted spending upwards of 15 hours a day on porn websites, and even began to schedule lunch breaks to ensure that he would eat. And he missed them.

One day David made the mistake of leaving his curtains open on purpose. "I needed another charge sexually- I wanted someone to catch me." And he was caught just as he intended. By the police. Charged with indecent exposure, David finally made the decision to admit himself into a treatment center for sexual addiction.

His story didn't particularly gross me out. Had David been an obese, balding man in farmer's trousers and mismatched socks, well, I might have felt differently. But here was possibly the best-looking man you could imagine, a man who has everything, who lost everything to his obsession with sex.

There are two types of recovering addicts. Addicts like David subscribe to the "program," meaning they attend meetings, read books relevant to their problems, and talk openly with fellow addicts about the issues that led to their addictions.

Then there are recovering addicts such as myself, who only use their Alcoholics Anonymous book as a convenient paperweight or helpful stepstool when changing lightbulbs.

As a result, I became more enmeshed in David's recovery than I did my own. After we became familiar with each other, rarely a morning passed where David wouldn't cheerfully approach my bed as I awakened, proclaiming in a cheery and uplifting voice "Hey, Mike. I'm not going to masturbate today!"

"Good for you!" I'd answer, using a voice usually reserved for commending a first grader on his crayon depiction of a giraffe. Then I'd awkwardly head to the shower and feel extraordinarily guilty while I masturbated. In fact, for the first time in my life, I began to feel guilty about my own sexual practices. Here I was only a bathroom door away from an individual desperately trying to escape from the only pleasure I had available. I felt like the Pope masturbating in the Vatican.

My morbid curiosity about David's previous freewheeling pornstar lifestyle often got the best of me, and I frequently found myself drawing a line between protecting his interests and feeding my own. Who doesn't want to hear about the time a bachelorette party of 5 drunk girls pulled him onto their party bus and used him as guinea pig for sharing blowjob techniques? "Wow," I thought to myself, "that must have been horrible." Followed of course by a feverish round of masturbation as soon as he left.

But David often found himself in a curious yet serious predicament; here he was trying to combat a destructive sexual addiction, whilst women constantly flung themselves at him like moths to flame. Women approached him everywhere he went, from stores to restaurants to street corners, dropping phone numbers, striking up conversations and flat out asking him for dates that very evening. It'd be like me moving into in Pablo Escobar's pool house.

Just before Christmas, I went to a local mall with David in an attempt to accomplish some last minute Christmas shopping. At one point we found ourselves at a standstill while lost in the center of the mall, and a woman approached David and started chatting him up, while I took on my usual role around David of "space filler." While I patiently pretended to admire a myriad of plastic mall plants, I noticed a second woman waiting in the wings for the first woman to go away so she could talk to David.

Once the second woman made her approach, another woman began loitering in the background, her eyes also fixated on David. I wondered, had I been attacked by a pack of ravenous bears, would anyone have even noticed? I envisioned a never-ending line of women waiting for David, their holiday shoes splashing about in pools of my blood, my entrails snared in their heels as they patiently waited their turn.

"Shhhh," they'd admonish me, my curdling screams interrupting small talk with David about the weather and holiday plans, whilst large blood-soaked bears made off towards mall exits with an assortment of my meaty limbs in tow.

To my amazement, in the six months I lived with David, David stood firm in his conviction to abstain from any form of sex. He regularly blew off the advances of a cavalcade of models, exotic dancers and girls fresh from the countryside. He stayed off the computer, and nary took a glance at the poorly hidden porn stashes laying about the house. I personally wondered how the hell he did it without snapping off a batch now and then, until he thanked Jesus during a house meeting for allowing him to experience several much-needed "nocturnal emissions."

Thanking God for a cumshot? Now there's a new one.

Hey God? I owe you a million thanks.

David overcame his sexual addiction, and now seven years later has a girlfriend whom he plans to marry within the year. Though much to her chagrin I'm sure, David has elected to refrain from sex with her until their wedding night.

"How do you possibly fucking do it?" I asked.

"Oh, she blows me all the time. It's fucking awesome."

Asshole.

So while I once mocked the concept of sex addiction, now I only mock those whom use it as an excuse.

Like Mike, our personal ad poster for today.

You're not a "sex addict" Mike, you're a fucking horny old fucking jackass trying to cheat on your wife by posting a impossibly-horrendous-at-every-turn personal ad in a failed attempt to attract a young woman drunk enough to lie underneath you for two minutes so you can slap away at her belly while wheezing like a physically taxed walrus.

And you thank her with a $15 dinner at Sizzler? That's lovely. Maybe you could sweeten the pot by offering a cassette mixtape of your favorite Lynard Skynard tunes.

In a completely unsurprising turn of events, Mike blames his philandering on a "frigid" wife, and in the comments today, we'd like to see how "frigid" women really are. More often than not, it's simply the dickless and uninspired fucking provided by flaccid dolts like Mike that drive women to seal up the fun hatch.

Ideally, how many times a day would you like a proper fucking?

I'll take 2.5 a day. I'm sure you can figure that out.

Post whatever you want, and I'll gladly take my beating for posting an overly long and sleep inducing entry.

(WWHM would like to thank my friend "David" for allowing me to post his story. Congratulations David.)

192 comments:

fenty88 said...

lol.. i love your long reply's when you kinda go off the subject. awesome reading material for work. that add made me feel slightly sick tho. "wil even get you pregnent" barffffff.

as for your answer. i'd take... 3 good fuckings a day. (but all us girls know that never happens!) more like 1 where he tries very hard... and fails. oh well! thank the lord for anne summers. (english shop if you guys are american or not heard of it. maybe you have one over there?)

and yes.. well done dave! :-)

Anonymous said...

I for one really enjoy reading your longer posts. The social commentary is always interesting, and you've got a very witty writing style. I particularly enjoyed the line about the Atlantic City Casino bus unloading at the iPod store...classic!

Good to have you back, man!

Weasel said...

Yeah, I actually had free time to write tonight- and uh, just went off on that tangent.

It doesn't really fit the blog, so I'll probably take out the extended version of this and close it up at the top somewhere.

PLFM up tomorrow hopefully, but if you guys were smart you stopped listening to my worthless posting promises a long time ago.

Rdallyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Social Dullard said...

Kudos to Dave, every lesser man would destroy themselves to have his problem. I don't know how he does it but well done.

As for the ad, you're right, he is far from an addict just a two-timing asshole. Probably deserve's to be served at the stake house he wants to "treat" the women with. But as grain for the cows, he isn't fit for any kind of consumption, even TB.

Anonymous said...

That was great!! I was very interested by David's story, and the Lynard Skynard mixtape bit was hilarious. I'm glad your back, and was not bored by the entry at all! :)

Queen_of_the_Serpents said...

I knew that people claiming to be 'sex addicts' in their personal ads were just dicks.

And don't worry, Weasel. I like your slightly unrelated long tangents.

"also will get you pregnant if desired"
In the same line as the word "twat"?

What a complete and total fuckrat.

Oh, and welcome back.

Kat said...

I personally like sex two times a day if possible (not including double play). I love the story about david. I actually was friends with a sex addict (still am) and it's nice to see them succeed.

Artemis said...

Please keep the extended version. It's a great read.

Heh, I'm possibly one of the few legitimately frigid women out there. It's chemically induced, but don't feel to bad. When the alternative is bouts of mild to severe depression and increased levels of anxiety, it's the preferred evil.

Anyway, stressing me is a sure fire way to make sure that zero will be the state of affairs. Old guys cheating on their wifes and spewing nasty in personal adds? I think my pussy just imploded...

Jim and Garret said...

Welcome back. Why scold you about when you don't write? It's a hobby for you just as much as it's a hobby for us to read it. I'm happy and thankful for the posts when I get them!

Excellent post. I too enjoyed the addict story. I never knew that really could exist.

Small dick or not, you're a hottie Weasel.

Garret
jimandgarret.blogspot.com

Mack Truck said...

Welcome back, Weasie.

I'm going to think of you the way I had to deal with a friend of mine.

Nice guy, great morals/ethics, but SUCKED at keeping in touch. He wanted to, but just rarely seemed to follow through.

Instead of getting angry at him for the times I didn't see him, I learned to appreciate his company when we finally did manage to get together.

The only one who got angry and frustrated was me at his lack of follow through, and it so wasn't worth it.

Like him, you'll be in touch when you're in touch, and I'll enjoy your commentary when you finally do show up.

No expectations lead to no frustrations!

As far as Mr. "Sex Addict", what a bunch of horse shit!!

He's just a disgusting old lech, who for some reason thinks MUCH younger women want him to sweat on them. Blech!

What is it about these pervs who offer to get a woman pregnant? Like they'd want HIS genetics in their kids? This is the second ad you've posted where some assclam has offered to impregnate young, married women. Skeevy!!!

Oooh yeah baby, go all out and treat me to the buffet at Sizzler! What a playa! What a generous, giving guy! Yeep....

Weasel said...

I don't where the rumor started that women don't like sex, but a lot of guys think that way.

It's more the fucking retards like Mike that have no fucking idea to get women to want sex WITH THEM, so its easier just to say "Women hate sex, thats why I dont get any."

Yeah, right.

I'm not saying I know how to attract women either, because I dont, but if you look at how half the dickbags communicate with women it's pathetic. Its really easy to figure out what NOT to do.

I get a shitload of hatemail now especially from the trolls on PLFM, a lot of it from guys calling me a bitch and telling me I'm soft because they think I "defend women" and try to make myself out as some kind of saint. Which is funny, because all I do on here and PLFM is totally blast myself.

If you read between the lines of this entire blog, technically I'm not "defending" women, but rather just calling it as I see it where guys fail miserably- stalking, harassing and just being all-around idiots. Women can defend themselves just fine. Believe me, I've been slapped pretty hard by a couple in my past.

And I'm by no means anywhere near a fucking saint.

I'll readily admit I've used women and dumped women, and I've been dumped by women just as well and probably used for what little money I have. Who hasn't? Believe me, I've failed more times than I can count. We all have.

I'm simply stating the obvious, that a lot of dudes have NO idea what they're fucking doing and act like complete jackasses around women, and then blame the women for not wanting to fuck them. Which is fucking stupid. Figure it out you impotent idiots. If your single and not getting laid, it's YOUR problem, not the women. You're doing something wrong. If you were doing it right, women would want to fuck you . A LOT.

God knows, I've pulled a million jackass moves in my lifetime, at least I admit it and I try to learn my lessons.

I'm always amazed that 50% of the ads I get at WWHM still feature a picture of a cock and words like "call me im horny", and these guys are fucking 40 years old?

Has this ever worked? Ever? In the history of the world? Seriously, if any woman is reading this and HAS responded to an ad like that, please let me know.

You know what guys like that do in their spare time? They write me hatemail because they won't get laid in their fucking lifetimes.

And they hate women for it, ironically because of their own faults.

Which sucks for them.

On a last note, the world's most notorious woman-hating blogger and author (and his fans) finally got wind of my sites and have been posting in the comments. I knew it was coming.

He's actually a funny writer, but I've never figured out if he's actually serious or not. My guess is he's not, but then he emailed me and didn't respond to my response.

Who knows. Expect trolls.

Weasel said...

(Whisper)

Sizzz---lahhhhhh!

Anonymous said...

Good Sex? 2-3 times a day. Bad sex? I could avoid that altogether and be happy.

Maybe "Mike" just sucks in bed.

I have a family friend whose fiancee asked me to "help him get off." While we were visiting his fiancee's parents because her mother was HAVING BRAIN SURGERY the next day. And she was pregnant, and in the next room with their 1 year old son.

He claimed sex addiction. She is still with him.

Mack Truck said...

Weasie, don't worry about the haters.

We "useless cunts" (their words)have managed to pretty much keep them at bay.

They write something atrocious, and we respond with logic. They don't like that, so then they post some spittle-covered, hysterical diatribe. I find it interesting, and fairly amusing.

As for sex? At least once a day, please. Twice would be better, but my SO is going on 52, so quality trumps quantity!

Mack Truck said...

Oh, and I know what 2.5 means.

As long as you're reciprocal, I don't see a problem with that.

BikerPuppy said...

Your writing leaves me in awe, as always! Very entertaining, Weas!! Best line: "I wondered, had I been attacked by a pack of ravenous bears, would anyone have even noticed?" ROTFL!!

Anonymous said...

Uhm, yeah. I love the I will knock you up line, like he has experience in that area and can show you how its done, LOL. Any way I love the long rants cause it makes for great reading ;-) Glad youre finally back, its been boring!

Weasel said...

I don't worry about trolls or haters, I'm actually amused by them. Some funny stuff they write me and post in the comments. I'll post one of my hatemails soon.

I'm finally going to bed. At 8 am. Thanks a lot Starbucks.

-Weasel

Eccentric_Lady said...

Hey Weasel -

keep the long post. It's FINE I know we're our own worse critics, but c'mon, it's all good.

As for the idiot star in today's post...Blech.

unMuse said...

Women hate bad sex. Being one of them, I should know. But what we hate the most is when we try to coach a partner so we can turn that bad sex into fairly decent sex and they completely ignore our advice. Like they know the mysteries of Atlantis better than we, who have been visiting it since we were 12 or so. I would contend that's what's happened in Dear Old Mike's relationship. He's probably a terrible lay and his wife has given up on even trying. When it comes to that point of a sexual relationship, most women would rather masturbate with a pointy stick than have a retarded penis anywhere near us. :-)

Anonymous said...

Hey, Weas - it's good to see you're back at it. The extra length is a good thing.

Also, "Sizzz---lahhhhhh!"

ROFL

unMuse said...

Oh yeah I forgot about your question.. How many times a day..

It really depends. To be honest there are some days where I just don't feel like putting out the effort to being a good lover. Sex is an adventure with actual penis to vag penetration being only one small part of the romp. Keeping that in mind, I'm more of a 5-6 times a week person. Some days I just don't have the energy (or time) to achieve utter satisfaction and am of the mind that either I do it right or don't do it at all.

(I just couldn't resist this post, even though I've never commented before. I love the rambling.)

Anonymous said...

Actually I thought your Tale of a Sex Addict was really interesting. :)
As for me, how often really depends on where in my monthly hormone cycle I am...(TMI probably) during a certain week I'm perfectly fine with "no touchy!" but will offer up an occasional bj, but fast forward about 2 weeks and I'm insatiable. I'm in the happy time right now...got my hubby to give it to me 4 times yesterday and still wanted more, but he was really tired. Hehe.

Love the blog Weasel!

Anonymous said...

Weasel-
Since you are constantly hilarious, the long posts are just lovely.
You rock. You're witty, creatively vulgar, and have a strange but keen understanding and/or appreciation of women. Just find one that recognizes your genius and loves you, tiny member and all. You already know what a clitoris is, so really you're in the running as Potential Partner Material.

Artemis-
Have you tried switching anti-depressants? I agree heartily that not being depressed is better than a libido, but you may be able to get both. Also if you have just started the meds...give it time. Find a patient, sexy man and...give it time.

Lady Meerkat said...

What unMuse said in both of her posts :)

Lady Meerkat said...

I heard Sarah's clitoris pop up like burnt toast.
My favourite line from the extra bit. I think you should keep it but after a jump so the entry page is nice and tidy.

MJ said...

Woohoo! Welcome back.

Anonymous said...

I would like sex a lot more often but sometimes I like to go a good 24 hours without that 'swampy' feeing down there. I like to be nice and clean for at least a little while.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back!
I adore this blog.. It is so much fun! Lots of giggle worthy quotes. Please keep the long post! No editing.. You're writing style is very unique and doubly entertaining.

Congratulations to David! Well done!

As for sex 2 or 3 times a day would be nice =) I especially like it in the morning and at night ;-)

Alissa said...

Hell, I'd settled for once a day. Once a week! Apparently, nothing kills a man's sex drive* like shacking up.

Seriously? This guy is offering to impregnate you, but "don't dare ask him for money?" So, you get his AWE.SOME genes and no child support? From a man in his late 50's? Ah, the dream of so many young girls is being realized with this ad!

Glad you're back Weas! I love the long posts.

*Obviously, just my experience, this probably isn't true of most people.

Anonymous said...

Yes, 2.5 times a day sounds exactly right to me. I have yet to meet any guy who can actually keep up with that, unfortunately, so I usually settle for around once a day.

jumper said...

Weasel -

I'm GLAD you're not a 'Saint' - you're human with a lovely wit.

Like many others, I enjoy reading your stories (OT and all) as you have a wonderful writing 'voice'.

I hope your trip was both relaxing and productive and don't mind the trolls - obviously they have nothing better to do, and provide the rest of us with a bit of low brow entertainment on those occasions when we (and everyone has it) get the urge to watch the monkeys throw poo.

:)

flaming_mo said...

"More often than not, it's simply the dickless and uninspired fucking provided by flaccid dolts like Mike that drive women to seal up the fun hatch."

Exactly. And usually the women are also long-suffering caring souls that are weary of being taken for granted and treated like crap outside of the bedroom as well.

Thanks for sharing this, because goodness knows, when my ex tried to excuse his final infidelity, he claimed it "just happened". Of course, my reply was, "How? Did you slip on a banana peel and land on her open vagina with your penis?"

SchizotypalVamp said...

Glad to see you're back. Keep the long reply! Also, I would post your longer comment up as a post in itself, or as an entry in "Behind WWHM".

Electric Eclectic said...

"David overcame his sexual addiction, and now seven years later has a girlfriend whom he plans to marry within the year. Though much to her chagrin I'm sure, David has elected to refrain from sex with her until their wedding night.

"Oh, she blows me all the time. It's fucking awesome." "

thats just selfish..I hope he returns the favour, sex addict or not...


firstly, ur man cant spell frigid, and ud think at 57 years of age hed learn to spell. Maybe his wife doesnt want to have sex with him cause hes a sicko who wants women as young as NINETEEN, thats so gross. why do they have to be married, so he can destroy two marraiges instead of one??

re: answer, I like to do it three times a day, but if ive been out drinking i want to do it like 3 times (or at LEAST twice) in a row that night so that makes at least 5 that day.

Electric Eclectic said...

ps i forgot to say,

but fair play to Dave all the same for overcoming his addictions

Anonymous said...

I'd like to have sex 2-3 times a week. Right now I have sex about once a month. :( My husband is the opposite of a sex addict. I've gained 50 pounds since our sex life started to dissolve.

For the record, I do love him and he's my best friend in every other way.

T-Ro said...

I think the worst part was his offer to "get you pregnant," made EVEN WORSE (as if that were possible) by ordering her not to ask for money.

Mack Truck said...

Yeah, like a woman who WASN'T a prostitute would even want to jump on that. Barf.

So he's delusional, cheats on his wife, and is a cheap asshat to boot.

Guys like that are a penny a dozen, and I'm thinking if he wants something strange, he'd better pony up the money for a prostitute, since they're the ONLY women who would be willing to fake an interest in his flabby, disgusting cock.

I feel sorry for hookers. They HAVE to deal with men that the rest of us would feel in terror from.

Mack Truck said...

Ahem, FLEE in terror from.

CaliGirl9 said...

"David" and Mike should be two new characters in the sequel to "The Hangover."

David's story is priceless—leave it as is! Perfect!

Anonymous said...

Great post - as always. Kudos to David, and to you. As for the 'sex addict' my favourite bit of his ad is where he cautions anyone replying that the dinner he ponies up for can't cost more than $15.00. I'm a Brit and a veggie so possibly not the best judge on the cost of a good steak dinner in dollars but I'm struggling with his generosity there. What happens if she chooses to eat before the sex (I like how he gives the choice) and her share hits $16+? Is the deal off?

Anonymous said...

As far as sex, I'll take anything I can get. I draw the line when I can't stand, or I get chapped lips.

Melissa C. said...

Great post! I have a comment, though, about you catching a woman 'faking a fake orgasm', implying that she couldn't possibly have had an orgasm because of your 'hamster clit' (LMAO)

I've had to say this over and over to guys throughout my life: It's not the size of your toy, it's what you DO with it. I have had GREAT orgasms with small penises. If the pressure is right and there are other things going on that stimulate, well, there ya go.

Remember that. =)

Mila said...

^^ *gives Weasel a snuggle*

Good to have you back... and I LIKE the looooong posts >.> You are a very good story teller. I love your descriptors, especially when you and Sarah met David. XD

SweetPea said...

IMHO - 2 times a day is just about right... gotta be with someone who can put a little fun and effort into it though :)

Great post, weas... missed you!!

36 & Single

Artemis said...

Young girls don't like old men unless they're Donald Trump and I'm pretty sure that his haunts are lot more pricey than sizzler.

Still, I couldn't sleep with D.T. I wouldn't be able to stop laughing at his horrible hairpiece. To be that powerful, but yet so concerned that you're going bald... Too weird!

-----
Dear Anon, thanks for your support. I must admit that sometimes it's sorely needed.

I'm going to attend a mindfulness course. Hopefully, mastering meditation will lead to a reduction in stress and I can ease up on the medication a bit. That should help. If it doesn't I might just take your advice.

marlo said...

@unMuse: But what we hate the most is when we try to coach a partner so we can turn that bad sex into fairly decent sex and they completely ignore our advice.

Hells to the yes.

KatSam said...

Kudos!!! I loved it, who cares if a smidgen here and there might have been a tiny bit unrelated to the subject.

Andi said...

"I heard Sarah's clitoris pop up like burnt toast."

You're evil...you make me spit out food. SOOOO glad to have you back, I see the urge to post has been festering for quite some time now (May 28th?). WE MISSED YOU!

shieldmaiden said...

Weas, I missed you. Glad your back, the interwebs are happier place.

Lynda said...

Come on ladies...he's willing to take you to Sizzler! Up to 15 bucks! Oh and he hasnt asked you to pay for the hotel room... oh and no sleeping over. (Rolls eyes... Im being sarcastic)

I wonder if he's a desk clerk at the Super 8 so that's why you cant sleep over...

He's as bad as that post that has scarred me for life.. Old Cock.

Anonymous said...

Artemis - I'm also in a similar boat. Talk to your doctor (if you haven't already), there may be options. Someday, we will be able to both smile and orgasm at the same time. Keep fighting.

Christina said...

Generally, for me, it depends on when. Three/day is about my happiest point.

But for this guy? For a $15/dinner and a romp at a motel, at which the lady can't sleep over (do they pay for the motel stay? I thought it was by the night, not by the hour... or does he intend to entertain multiple women per night at the same motel room?)

He should settle for the prostitute, if she's cheap enough to sell for $15, paid, not with cash that she can cut a percentage of to her pimp, but in food.

I pity his wife. If this is how he finds a lay, finding a wife couldn't have been that much more refined.

Obsidienne said...

Thanks Weasel for brightening up an otherwise pretty awful day.

Like you, I too used to snicker about "sex addicts", until I went to rehab and actually met one. Now I realize just how often the term gets abused and misused by both women and men alike.

And Mike? Holy shit I don't even know where to begin the list of things that are wrong with this ad. Like a lot of other people do, I read these ads and think to myself..."How insane (or retarded) does a man have to be to think that this is going to work?"

At any rate i'm glad you're back. Please know that you provide much amusement and laughter to a bored SAHM.

hellkell said...

Mmmmm.... Sizzler. Where do I sign up, you charming fucknut, you?

Love the long post, Weasel. Don't cut it.

So it's time for the haters and trolls again? Yeah, us useless, humorless (Mack forgot that part) cunts can handle them no problem. Which is prolly the only handling they get from the ladies, but I digress...

To answer today's question: 2.5 times a day would be ideal.

Persnickety Ticker said...

Weasel, you are the hottest 4 year old Amish gay seagull I have ever come across!

I would so take you out to a Sizzler and a Super 8 even if you are hung like a hampster clit.

Your humor is so much more satisfying that some orgasms I have had. The laughing leaves me just as breathless with just as much of that warm and fuzzy feeling.

5 times a day would be great. With at least half of those sessions being .5's.

O. said...

Weasel, I love you for this and PLFM both. My SO would disapprove of my professing love to other men, but he loves you too, so it's fine.

Personally I find it sad/hilarious how men seem to think there is a single "sure fire way" to make all women want to sleep with them... All the while they aknowledge they would not want to sleep with just any woman.

*ringring*
"Hello."
"Hi! Is this John Genericdude? It's me, Reality McCheck! I have some news."

Anonymous said...

Weasel, I stumbled upon this blog while you were on hiatus, and I spent two long days not getting any work done as I HAD to read EVERY WORD.

I WAS a "frigid wife" for 15 years. It took the end of my marriage (and a stay at the local domestic violence shelter) for me to realize that my frigidity was not due to any fault of my own, or some hormonal problem, but basic poor treatment, mixed with physical abuse, for years that killed any sex drive I once had.
Three years later, Im with a wonderful man who treats me with love and care, and I can't get enough of him!

I would say my answer would be 2.5 a day as well :), although like another comment, theres a week of the month im just happy supplying the .5 ...not for any lack of desire, just that it would make a mess :(
Hope you had a wonderful vacation and I look forward to reading more!

P.S. My previous experiences have NOT left me hating men. I'm raising three young men on my own! I LOVE men! I just hate the losers!

Walk On said...

1) Don't change your post. Quit second guessing, it's grand the way it is.
2) The asshats who write you bitching? JEALOUS! Look at all the women you have praising you! They have to pay to even get a fake smile.
3) The most important sex organ is the brain. And you, m'dear, are obviously very well hung where it matters. In comparison, the asshats who attack you? They haven't got two brain cells to rub together.

tatjna said...

The only time I've ever been 'frigid' was when some wanker (at least that's what they ended up being) started to see sex as some kind of right on their part and obligation on mine. Oddly enough, that's a turn off.

I'd be willing to bet that Mr 'Addict' has killed his wife's sex drive with his expectation that she be his sex toy and that she's actually a normal, healthy woman.

Fhtrkstr101 said...

I love your work. I missed you!

This is one of your best ever.

Mila said...

oh! I forgot to answer >.>

I'd like 3-5 a day, depending on stamina and effort and mood. And there can be some .5's in there, but I want more sex than anything else. ^^

Artemis said...

Welcome back, Weasel
We've sorely missed you!

I remember once comparing notes with a more experienced female friend on who of our male friends we would hypothetically sleep with if single and able. Albeit the activity in question was nothing but a casual romp, our choice of partner weren't solely based on the physical aspect, but rather on their attitude in regards to themselves and others.

In short, we both assumed that the ability to laugh at oneself and make others laugh served to indicate the presence of a soothing and quite sensuous "we'll make it work and have fun while doing it" approach to sex, which I dare any single women try to resist.

Anyway, the point of my rant is, since you clearly possess this quality, Weasel, you're a fine specimen.

Artemis said...

----------------
Dear other Anon

Thanks for your support. You're right: one day we wont have to choose. Keep up the good works and spirits.

SAHM said...

Ok, people...maybe in my 20's or even early 30's I would have said that once a day was great...

But Im guessing most of you don't have kids or otherwise have A LOT of time on your hands...seriously!

That said, I keep my man happy and he makes me happy whenever I want, pretty much.

They say that in your forties your sex drive increases, or whatever. Who is this "they" anyway? I suspect its a man....

Twice a week is plenty in small children, housework, and pet world (aka reality).

Seriously? 2.5 a day? The only thing I want to do that much is eat!

Fairly new to this blog but I love it and so glad you are back, Weasel.

SAHM

El-Mango said...

Love the longer post. And, I like fenty, wouldn't maind 3 good fucks. But i've never had a good one. That's where my batteries come in ;)

Congrats David!

Meg said...

It was interesting to hear more about you and your sex addict friend. This was a great entry since you've been gone so long :D

Hyena Overlord said...

We've heard this 50 something story before. Someone can take the wayback machine through the archives of WWHM and there's one or two of these.

And swallowing? What happened to safe sex?

What an ass. His wife isn't frigid, she's saving herself for her second husband.

H-S-W said...

oh my fucking goodness it is so good to have you back weasel! I LOVED your long commentary! "Up until last week, I actually thought the "G Spot" was an inner city discotheque." CLASSIC!!!

Tribblehappy said...

Please keep the extended version up, Weasel. It adds some realism and perspective to a douchebag ad.

I'm glad you're back.

How often do I want the cock? Depends, really it does. Some days I want it two or three times a day, but then I'll go for a week not really thinking about it. Sometimes I want one long session, sometimes I want several broken-up cardio workouts. Really depends on my mood.

Diane said...

And so we go from the Novel of the Eternal Virgin to the Nymphomaniac Chronicles. It's nice to have you back, Weasel.

Diane said...

P.S. 2 to 4 sounds good, depending on the day.

Erin said...

Glad to see that you're back, Weasel!

Anonymous said...

I loved your long post. I can relate to at least portion of it. I'm a fairly plain lady with a lot of super hot friends. I've been in that mall situation a dozen or two times.

"Look" I imagine myself saying to the hopeful beau "I have this semi-automatic pointed at your head". I firmly believe none of them would notice.

Hell, I've played the 'butch lesbian' more than once to fend off the guys who got just a little TOO handsy.

As for the sex, I have five or six days a month where my vagina becomes No-Man's Land (including one where I pop extra-strength Midol like Tic-Tacs and curl up whimpering on the couch, waiting for my uterus to fall out. Not much happens on that day) but even during that time, I feel happy supplying his '.5' as long as I know the favor will be returned.

Depending on my mood, twice a day would be perfect, though there are a few days where I don't even consider it, and a few where I don't feel like doing anything else.

I'm very curious about who "the world's most notorious woman-hating blogger and author" is. Does anyone have a link to his site?

Unless it's 'Men Are Better Than Women'. I've already read though that and about died laughing.

Calantha said...

First, welcome back Weasel!

Hookay I always suspected "sex addict" was a legit thing, but now I see it's far more than what I'm used to hearing it associated with. Major kudos to David, and dammit, he'd better thank his darling for all those bjs!

The ad...holy shit, dude, I couldn't even read the whole thing at first go. Then I finally got to the preggo part, and I think my uterus just died of fright. Terrifying!

As for sex, I guess at least 2 times a day would work for me on average. At least that's during the time when I'm not in my "indifferent to sex" mood.

Darth said...

I don't get why men think this sort of ad could possibly work. Any woman who would potentially be open to this sort of casual contact can be presumed to also own a vibrator. So any ad that's going to get responses must convince that spending time with the writer is going to be more enjoyable than just kicking back with the hitachi for half an hour. Plus fun enough to risk all the things of personal safety, disease, crap sex or just simple douchebaggery. Whoa yeah, sign me up for the disgusting old geezer sex with the 15$ steak dinner!

How does this guy think any woman would find his splendid offer more appealing than spending some quality time with her vibrator?

As for frequency, 5-6 times a week is nice, and for me that tends to mean some days with multiple sessions and some with none.

schammieschammie said...

LOVED the long post after the long drought, Weasel! Please don't remove any of it!!!!

Great post on so many levels. I'm still sitting here giggling. Your wit is a great start to the day.

I'm one of those Over 40, peri-menopausal women who work full time and have a horse farm.. and I say.. an O a day (at least!) keeps the cobwebs away! As the men get older, they aren't able to, um, let's just say, they are more one and done.. but that can be worked around in a lot of ways.. satisfying ones, yes.

Older men CAN be better, but this guy in the ad is just nasty and surely ANY woman who answers him is just as skanky.. EW. What a fuckhat.

Mack Truck said...

Hellkell, thanks for reminding me we cunts are humorless, as well as as useless.

Interesting how only the unfucked, unloveable asstards say that, whereas the MEN who actually love us think we're witty, charming, funny, and sexy.

You only get what you give, boys. If you're degenerate, disgusting, selfish, ignorant cretins (like the guy in this ad), it's highly unlikely you'll ever see the soft, loving side of a woman unless you pay actual money for a "happy ending".

Anonymous said...

Yeah, antidepressants can be a real libido killer. Have your thyroid tested. Mine was low normal for a number of years with a sex drive to match.

Finally, I went on a very low dose of synthroid. Amazing! My sex drive came back like a tsunami. Only problem is as a single gal in my 50s, its hard to find a nice guy under 70 who wants to give it a go.

And really, I don't want to sleep with someone that needs help wiping his own ass. Guess, I'm just a picky, picky broad.

Anonymous said...

2-3 times a day, gals? Every day? SRSLY? I can't imagine.

When I was married, I only wanted it about once a week. My husband wanted it more often, and I was happy to satisfy him with sex 2-3 times/week, but I only wanted to climax once a week. Because when I'm not truly turned on, trying to climax is just a hassle, plus routinely having more orgasms than my body wants makes it impossible for me to EVER have a truly good orgasm. My husband was bothered by this--he wanted me to be massively turned on and to climax every time. I was bothered by it too, but unfortunately a woman cannot control her sex drive. He was convinced I was not attracted to him. That wasn't true. I loved him and I thought he was gorgeous. I still do, even though we're divorced now.

After we got divorced, I filled the sexual void in my life with erotica and a vibrator. And, WOW, did I discover a few things. First of all, on a purely physical level, I'm not sure any man can compete with a vibrator. The weakest orgasm I've had with a vibrator is about 2-3 times stronger than any I've had with a live partner. And reading erotica showed me what turned me on, and what had been missing from my sex life--I'm sexually submissive and I absolutely must have a dominant partner. My husband was also submissive. If we did a woman-on-top position, he would be so turned on he'd climax in 10 seconds. I cannot climax at all in that position. I loved my husband, but we were a sexual mismatch, each needing the other to take the lead in bed.

The erotica and vibrator sent my sex drive through the roof. I was wanting it 5-6 times per week, sometimes multiple times a day. A year later, I still want it that often. Occasionally I go through a low-drive phase and need to abstain for a week or so to bring the drive back.

So I discovered I DO have a sex drive. But it takes a certain kind of partner to bring it out of hiding (in this case, a fantasy partner, though I still hope to find a real one who can turn me on). I suspect this is the case for many so-called "frigid" women. The female sex drive is complex and elusive and not under a woman's conscious control. If a woman's sex drive is low, it is likely to be a problem with the sex or with the relationship. With the right partner, that sex drive could come to life. I wish I knew more answers about how to make that happen.

Anonymous said...

It's definitely worth the wait when you post again! Don't shorten this, it's fascinating to read. What made my nether regions return to hell was the offer to fill all my holes. I think I'll go get my spackle and fill 'em myself before Mr. Addict *narf* shows up.
As to frigidity... I find that the more I like the last fuck, the more often I want the next. But when the man I'm with turns off his brain at the first sign of his personal arousal and winds up using me as his private sex toy I truly lose all interest. I want him to NOTICE when I'm grimacing and crying out in pain, or just weeping in sorrow that I'm playing, yet again, the roll of Real Doll. If instead he thinks it's me having an orgasm, well it'll be a long time before the gates to the jade palace open again.
(anonymous so my husband won't know it's me...)

Sarah said...

My ex called me frigid once. Or twice. I kind of thought I might be, because despite my keen interest in sex, I found it difficult to get aroused and even more difficult to get off without a vibrator. So I felt really bad and blamed myself, when really it was just that I wasn't attracted to him and his tiny, tiny dick. Or any of the other guys I've slept with, really. Until I met a certain guy. Admittedly, I cheated on my tiny-dicked ex with this guy. I shouldn't have. But what's done is done, and the sex is amazing with this new guy. He has a big dick, he always gets me off, and I fucking love him. I get wet just thinking about him. Thinking about spending time with him outside of bed, even.

Anyway, I'll take sex as many times a day as I can get it. I agree that 3 is a solid minimum number, but 1 is more likely. Of course, this is assuming the sex is any good at all.

Mack Truck said...

I dunno Sarah, cheating is pretty lame no matter what the excuse.

If you weren't happy, you should have at least waited until you were out of the relationship before you had sex with someone else.

I guess I'm just horribly old fashioned that way.

Anonymous said...

How often? I'd really like to find out the answer to that question. After only three partners consisting of Attention-Deficit-Oh yeah this is great, wait a minute what am I supposed to be doing here?, must go fidget with the stereo-Disorder, followed the smallest one I'd ever seen with a routine of slam-bam-doesn't bother with the thanks-ma'am, and finally hubby with as much control as a 16 year old blowing it on the backseet of a car after foreplay consisting of smooshing my boobs like a five year old with modeling clay, I haven't yet had anything worth asking for more than once. The result? Hmm, despite being thin between relationships (hope is a wonderful motivator), I always seem to gain it back when I'm married/committed. Perhaps substituting food for sex? Or rather good sex. So now I'm looking for someone who'd like to help a BBW with a no strings attached diet program! :)

Not so easy though since, as we've frequently seen here, no matter how desperate any man seems to be to project his genetic material somewhere other than the floor, or a dirty sweatsock, there's always the criteria of "no fat chicks".

So I'll continue to give thanks to the Energizer gods a couple times a day.

Anonymous said...

It's wonderful to have you back. Obviously old men have a very active and somewhat unrealistic view of themselves. How much Viagra, Levitra and Cialis would it take for him to get hard enough for long enough to make a younger woman want to be with him, regardless of being a creepy old fucktard?
I actually haven't had sex since your last post. And not for a lack of trying.
I've never been with a man where more than once a day was an option. I'm still completly shocked that it is an option.
My ex (for very good reasons) would complain if I even attempted to arouse him more than once a week.
So if I ever get it twice in one day, I'll die of shock.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Women hate bad sex. Being one of them, I should know. But what we hate the most is when we try to coach a partner so we can turn that bad sex into fairly decent sex and they completely ignore our advice.<<

YES! EXACTLY!

Unlike horses and dogs, they cannot be trained. That is why we wind up fighting over the handful that are truly talented no matter how many other flaws they may have.

Men don't get it because you'll be hard pressed to find a man who will EVER say he has had BAD sex. As in, he REALLY would have rather been doing household chores. THAT bad. Whereas a LOT of women have had that kind of sex. It's just a lot harder to please us and I don't think the other sex can relate at all.

doctressjulia said...

I think, 3. Like, before every meal... and maybe twice at night if I can't sleep.. ;)

...and, I like variety.

Anonymous said...

I'd also like to add, that his offer to "get you pregnant", yet "don't dare ask for money"....
yeah....that will never stand up in court......IF he ever finds some skank to take him on, be SURE she will be of the type to take his butt downtown for child support!!!
These guys really are THAT dumb, arent they?

lv2evnt said...

So glad you're back! Great post. Not too long, you're a very entertaining writer. Keep up the good work!!

Artemis said...

I still cling to the hope that if you, as a couple, learn how to talk about sex, you can work it out as long as your sexual preferences are somewhat compatible.

However, guys, here's a few pointers as in what not to do when the female orgasm remains illusive:

Don't blame her - It's an involuntary response. Really, if I could simply will my body to orgasm, would we be having this conversation?

Don't treat her body like it's some sort of electrical apparatus in need of fixing - to be reduced to a piece of faulty machinery is always a turn off.

Take your time, not five minutes!

Don't blame yourself - Look, I understand that you might feel a need for reassurance, but having to contend with your hurt feelings just adds to the injury of not having an orgasm. Get your head out your ass!

Kat said...

Love your blog, Weasel. Really. I'm the "other" Kat, too, aka, Katherine.

Anyway, don't ever let the trolls get to you. They prove the point... over, and over and over. Let them blast away. I don't see you as defending women either, by the way. Making fun of pathetic men isn't defending women.

Mara said...

LMAO at "fun hatch"

Anonymous said...

For anyone currently on anti-depressants: I was for a little over 2 years. Yes, they put the blocks to your sex drive.
But you do have this to look forward to: once you can finally go off them, you will become the most sex-crazed person alive. It's unreal. You WILL make up for lost time. Been there. :)

Anonymous said...

People who are having good sex are usually talking about sex (which, *gasp*, is how good sex is achieved!)-- so, even if you have incompatible sex drives, you know why. If a guy has a 'frigid' wife, the entire female sex is going to be 'frigid' to him...

H. said...

Ditto on the "depends on the time of the month" bit. Hormone levels really seem to be the key factor. But when they're weakest, I'd still like good sex every 2-3 days. I need the gaps cuz I'm not sure about other women--I even hear all the time about girls who have many orgasms within a matter of hours, even minutes--but the more I orgasm, the more difficult it is and the weaker it feels when it happens. If I have good sex 3 days in a row, I rarely come on the third night. Am I the only one???
Anyway, YES, key word is GOOD sex. Bad sex I can go weeks without. I will masturbate at some point, though.

brit said...

aaaaaamazing :o) once again. thank you

Canaduck said...

Welcome back, Weasel--this was a great post and worth the wait.

By the way...do you think the guy who placed the ad is still available? I'd love to be impregnated by a narcissistic asshole 30 years my senior, followed by a $7.50 dinner spent listening to him whine about his "friggid" wife. It's just a fetish I have, so sue me.

Anonymous said...

I hope you're right, Anon 7:34 PM...and I also have to hope I'll be able to get off the anti-depressants at some point. :(

Anonymous said...

“There is luxury in self reproach. When we blame ourselves, we feel no one else has a right to blame us.”

Seriously Weasel, your shit is hilarious, but when you piss out these drippy confessions about how weak and imperfect you are, it's just goddamn tiresome.

schammieschammie said...

Oh please, did you think about that Weasel is using self-deprecating humor to make his writing funnier? I think you're really hung like a donkey, Weas!!

Donna said...

Great post. Always nice to know there's a standing offer to get pregnant by someone old enough to be your grandfather after he buys you a $15 dinner at Sizzler. Classy!

Crazy Raven Productions said...

Note to those on antidepressants with low/no sex drive: TALK TO YOUR DOC ABOUT THIS! Everyone's different, and different antidepressants can do the job without killing your libido. There are a LOT of different drugs out there, and you may well be on the wrong one. Also, the person who mentioned getting your thyroid checked is on the right track. Psych meds can mess with the rest of your body. Make sure your shrink is getting you the blood tests your med requires.

I'm bipolar, and on some kinda strong stuff. When one of the drugs I was on killed my libido, my doc worked with me to find a better dosage of a better med. Don't be shy, and don't take 'libido is unimportant' as an answer. If your doc pulls that shit, find a new doc.

Mack Truck said...

Oh, and Weas, it's spelled Lynyrd Skynyrd.

You're far too young to have been interested in them since they were popular back in the 1970s, so the misspelling is to be expected.

Does the fact that I think some of their tunes are still kickass make me an old bag? Aw hell, just being OLD makes me an old bag!

Eva said...

Great to have you back, Weas!

I love reading WWHM comments almost as much as the posts themselves, but this time I felt I could do with a couple comments of my own.

While I'm not a sex addict, it's fair to say that I have a much higher libido than the average woman. My appetite varies, but it's normal for me to remain unsatisfied after one, three, six, eight orgasms. I engage in my favourite pass-time mostly at night (when I can spare a good three to four hours). It's a rare week that I don't entertain myself in such a way every night -- and several times during the day, too, if I can. It's a good thing I function well on little sleep!

For all that, my marathon sessions usually end with cramping arms, dead batteries and the desire to charge naked into a college football changing room.

I am, in other words, nigh-insatiable. Almost everything to do with sex turns me on, and it's hard to turn off. Dominant, submissive, gentle, rough, every possible position, style or technique. I thoroughly enjoy porn, and any combination of genders in any number is fine by me. In fact, really the only things that DON'T arouse me are some of the more extreme fetishes.

In bed with a partner, on the other hand, my ultimate goal becomes their pleasure. I don't actually need reciprocation -- it sounds weird, but eliciting a climax in someone else is more than enough for me. I simply love it.

As a loner at heart who just can't justify the effort involved in cultivating any kind of long-term relationship, I tend to bounce around a lot. I'll be the first to admit that I feel zero obligation to stick around and "make things work", and I make that very clear from square one. I may be emotionally selfish when it comes time to dump and abandon, but you can't say I led you on!

Still, I'm very picky when it comes to men. Just because I like penis does not mean I want to see yours. Grabbing at me with sticky 57-year-old fingers and thrusting a fossilized member in my face is never, ever going to get you into my pants. There are more than enough equally strings-free men out there that I don't have to tie a twelve-pound sinker to my standards and troll the waters of Specimen Lake. Funny how a lot of guys equate "hay-roll-happy" with "desperate and easy"! :D

Anonymous said...

wow, this is the best ramble i've read all day! so glad youre back from vacation!

Cherie said...

I am almost laughing at all the women who say they want sex in excess of twice a day, every day.

But I don't laugh. I don't laugh because I was once with a borderline sex addict, who demanded sex 2.5 times a day, as the Weas so cutely put it. Actually, he wanted sex more than that, but he accepted .5s when I just couldn't do it.

There were times I couldn't do it because when you have sex that much every day with a man who is not a ten-minute wonder (and even the quickest man on the draw will last a long damn time when they get off several times a day), before long, things get abraded. If he is of better than average size, it just makes it worse. There is not enough sexual arousal or lube in the world to enable you to sit in a chair without constantly shifting your weight.

YMMV. There are probably some women out there who could take an elephant dong ten times a day and ask for more, but for most of us, be careful what you wish for. "Three good fuckings a day." BWAH! Do it for a month and get back to us.

Goldie said...

No worries Weas. We love you! And it seems to me that pretty much all of the women that read (and love) your blog here are intelligent, successful women with some sort of head on their shoulders. That in and of itself should speak volumes.

As for the sex thing, I am in agreement with others here. Good sex I could easily have -at least- two times a day. Bad sex, no thanks.

Anonymous said...

Leave the long post, O Weasel... Your prose is ever so amusing!

And ya know what? I'm acquainted with some Amish guys, and I wouldn't sell them short!

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

Awesome post!! Well worth the wait! I died laughing, especially at the "Ye Olde Britches Tickler" part. It never fails to amaze me that these losers think they have a chance in hell at receiving a response from an actual female, let alone one fitting the exact specifications they desire (in this case, young, married, sex addict, swallower, disease-free, wants condom-free sex...)

My take on the "frigid wife" phenomenon: I have very little experience (I only have ever had one boyfriend, whom I am still with), but I think I feel the same as tatjna---if a man were to treat sex as something I owed to him, something that I MUST do in order to keep his affection, this would likely cause me to eventually view sex as a "chore" and to dread it.

My boyfriend is a gentle, considerate man who would never seriously pressure me to have sexytime with him if I didn't feel like it. This is one of the reasons I'm crazy about him and always want to have sexytime (which always involves me giving him the 0.5 because he loves it and I love doing it) with him. How often? Ideally I would like at least once a day.

zero said...

that was a really heartfelt post. good on you, david.

Auntie eMm said...

Great post Weasel, dont cut it!

As far as how many times a day? If you know what you are doing then we will talk.
My hope is scoring 3! Funny how the better they are the more you want it.. seems like it should last you a while..but nope, the opposite.
I had decided to end my 2 YEAR (self induced) dry streak at the end of last year... and lucky me, found a dude with a big dick to kick off the season!
Unfortunately, even though i THOUGHT i was looking at a streak-ending-worthy dong.. it was the worst sexual experience of my life. At one point i wondered (almost outloud!) is it in yet? Seriously, How do you hide an 8inch dick? maybe he pulled it up and thought t-baggin my clam was all that was needed? hopeless. and OVER.

Anonymous said...

lmao...
remember kids- context matters- always re-read before you post.


fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Women hate bad sex. Being one of them, I should know. But what we hate the most is when we try to coach a partner so we can turn that bad sex into fairly decent sex and they completely ignore our advice.<<

YES! EXACTLY!

Unlike horses and dogs, they cannot be trained. That is why we wind up fighting over the handful that are truly talented no matter how many other flaws they may have.

Anonymous said...

I actually think the self-derision is one of the funniest parts. It's such absurdly creative hyperbole that it almost never fails to crack me up!

Sharon said...

Great entry Weasel! It was really captivating. But I have to ask, is this a true story?

I can guess that 'David' is a real person. Though I'm curious on if your life you were really in a halfway house.

Also, is this and the 'first time' story, a sort of preview towards the possible WWHM Book? If so, it makes me all the more excited for your work.

Good luck on your entries in the future here, and at PLFM!

Leslie The Pirate said...

Freakin' brilliant post.

rob said...

That was your best bit of writing on here by a country mile. And you're normally pretty fucking funny. I'm impressed.

Blindcharger said...

welcome back Weasel!

"all of them had ambled through the fur of their family pets looking for crack rocks."

For me, it was look for rocks in the carpet, then pick fleas off the cat!

Keep 'em cumming (um, I mean, wait, no that is exactly what I mean)

Anonymous said...

I love the long post, Weasel. The more reading material I can get from you, the happier I am. The honesty...the wit...just all of it!

I, for one, have never hated men or sex with them.

Anonymous said...

Bah, leave it long. I adore the longer posts. Especially when it includes such great story-telling.

As for the ad, oh look, he's even offering you a baby! If you're lucky, he might even provide a 15$ coupon for baby food. But that's only if you don't take the dinner offer first.

I have met very few women who want to get pregnant with some random guy (an older one no less) in some random motel room. Much less one who claims to be a 'sex addict'. If the bulk of this ad wasn't enough to turn off the women reading, I'm sure that last little promise did the trick for the rest of them.

Besides, can men really guarantee that kind of thing?

As for your question, it really depends on how I'm feeling. Usually twice to three times a month though is good for me though.

weone said...

Where's Mike?

Weasel said...

Man I love reading through your guys comments, even the trolls.

I really appreciate all you guys coming back to WWHM over and over. Frankly, I don't know how you do it. I read this crap I write - uuugghh. Can I overwrite more, please? Can I try a little too hard some more please?

Someone be my fucking editor for God's sakes.

Really, I'm humbled you guys bother to read WWHM and PLFM every week.

Thank you so much. I am forever indebted to you guys.

As per some questions I read, here's a few answers:

Personally, the easiest part of writing for me is fucking ripping myself to pieces. Yeah, it probably gets old but I have the normal insecurities of every guy, and not only will I admit it, but I exacerbate it in writing. Plus, hell, it's fun.

But no, I admit I'm not as clueless as I portray myself to be. At least I hope. Please don't ask my ex-girlfriends.

Yes, I did live in a rehab facility for several months, and "David" was my roommate, a sex addict, and still my friend.

Yes, I checked myself into rehab seven years ago for my what-had-become some pretty nasty fucking issues with cocaine and alcohol.

I'm open about it if people ask, but you'll never hear me glamorize it, make up stories about it, or use for a pity-pot like James Frey. I barely ever even talk about it for that matter.

I fucked up, I fixed it, it's over. It's old news. Haven't drank / drugged since.

Never pity me, nor another addict. They don't need any pity, they need a fucking punch in the face.

In fact, if you know an addict, go up to them tomorrow, and literally punch them in the face as hard as you can and say "I don't feel sorry for your pathetic ass anymore."

Hmmm, on that note, let me tell you this. Because I have nothing better to do right now.

I know there are some addicts out there reading this overly long, boring comment. Blow, Oxy, crank, pills, alcohol, whatever.

Yeah you, the person denying it.

Seriously, if you're reading this, go get some fucking help. Tomorrow.

You HAVE NO IDEA what you are missing.

You're missing YOUR FUCKING LIFE.

Quit feeling sorry for yourselves, quit causing and feeding off the misery of others, and get off your fucking pity-pot. Because frankly, your pity-pot is the most boring thing in the world. To everyone.

Take responsibility for yourself, clean up, and get a goddamn life.

It's the best thing that WILL EVER HAPPEN TO YOU.

If you want to know how, email me and I'll tell you. But I won't feel sorry for you. I promise :) Hard love, baby, it's the only way to go.

And no, I don't personally go to AA nor have I ever, so I won't say "go to a meeting."

Blah blah blah.

See you guys next week I hope.

-Weasel

MJ said...

Great entry! But...why does it say May 28?!? [scratches head]

Anonymous said...

Weasel, baby. - Why don't you make another blog with your most interesting hatemail? God knows everything else you do makes my day, and I'd just love to hear what some jealous 'gentlemen' have to say about WWHM and PLFM.

- Kitty

Anonymous said...

Wow, there are some great comments here. To answer the question about number of times per day, I have to go with what someone else said and say it depends on the day. I have kids and when they are gone, sometimes it's like five times in a day...we take the chances we can get to make it more fun, and therefore, more of a turn on. However, when they are here, we're lucky to get in one for maintenance. I guess this makes the times when we can act like we used to before kids more precious. I also guess the 3-5x people must have a lot of time and no kids.

Also, I know this is sort of a cliche, but the most important sexual organ a woman has is her mind. Guys, seriously, if you really want to please a woman, just listen to her. I agree with the person who said that a lot of guys have trouble taking direction. Some of them are even offended by it. I loved the Atlantis analogy btw!

Maybe since there is this thing called the internet, you can read up a little bit on what buttons to push. I have learned a lot about men this way! That will help, but it also helps knowing what buttons not to push. These vary from woman to woman, so ask her. Get her to talk about what she likes and doesn't like and for God's sake, remember it!

Not only will your new found knowledge help you to please her, but it will also help her to feel more open to you. For me, just talking about it and knowing someone cares enough about pleasing me to listen is a huge turn on. I had to help my husband learn about my body, and he did the same for me. As a result, we have a great sex life.

It just makes me sad to think about women who's partners won't listen. The same is true for men. Some women can't take direction either. It's easier for a man to get off, but there are a lot of women who really can't do things right and don't want to learn. I have heard lots of complaints like this from some guy friends. Sometimes women can ruin the mood too.

Kat said...

Oh, yes, number of times per day. Sorry I forgot that one. I'd like 3, but I've never come across a guy that could. It seems to be a common theme. I'd be happy with someone who took an active interest in satisfying me, to be honest.

Anonymous said...

For me, it depends. Some days I could have sex two or three times, some days I don't even want to get naked to go take a shower. I could have sex between 3 and 6 times a week and be perfectly satisfied, I'm sure, as long as it was good sex.

Also, this was a fantastic post. I wish more of them were this long.

*snort* Long...

ubster said...

I found this site through another forum I am a member of...I quickly became a big fan...this is funny stuff!! I had to leave a commet after reading todays entry...what a bloody pig! It espicially pissed me off because he IS married, and I am mentally and physically disabled...I have, among other things, what is called Social Phobia, which basicially means that I have panic attacks in crowded places, so I cannot go out to, for example, bars or nightclubs to try and meet people...plus my communication skills are really poor- face to face with women I turn into a clam...I would be happy to have sex once or twice a year, let alone 2.5 times a day! IMHO, this idiot should have to try to live my life for a week...then he would know what a craving for sex really is!!!

Keep up the good work, Weasal, you brighten my day when I read a new post!

doctressjulia said...

Yes, I do have a lot of time, and no kids- NEVER EVER will I have kids. I especially love having sex when I'm on my period. Nothing works better for getting rid of my cold-sweat-and-vomit-inducing, agonizingly painful cramps. :)

And, to Cherie- I DO get laid at least twice every day! I've been doing it for as long as I' ve been active. Not sick of it yet!!! XD

johnocide said...

It's not Dick Masterson is it, Weas?

Ariela HvM said...

Wow, that guy's personal made my twinge. "I can even get you pregnant?!" WTF? What woman in her right mind would want to be impregnated by this dolt? Wait, a woman in her wrong mind. And he wants a young married woman. What's the deal with the cheating?
Damn, and I agree with Weasel, the twat bomb is not cool. It may get your dick hard but it does not get our pussy wet. Geez.

Ariela HvM said...

Also, I love your verbose and creative prose, Weasel. Keep up the awesome work!

Shannon Lambert said...

This man's ad is baffling, perplexing and something I will never understand. I keep going over it, trying to find the incentive...because I honestly can't see how any woman would opt to have some cheating, cheap, disgusting man heaving on top of you while you count the number of mysterious stains on the ceiling of some cheap hotel, which luckily, you don't get to sleep in. I think his wife could proudly claim "Frigid By Choice".
As far as your question....as often as possible. With school, work, volunteering and a social life, it's not nearly as often as I'd like (about 4-7 times a week) but even for those times are worth the couple hours of sleep we then get and spend the next day dragging through. When me and my boyfriend aren't working nearly as much (blessed vacation) it's about 2-5 times a day, if not more, and worth the wait.

Anonymous said...

Hey Weasel, I think everybody goes through that with their writing. I just started something today and I can't figure out how fucking awful it sounds to me, but fresh eyes think it's just fine. Sometimes it's a good thing that the author has to step back when their words are read.

Isn't AA like "Jesus will cure you" crap?

flamingo_dingo said...

i realy enjoyed that story. you have an extremely funny way of putting your words. but it kinda makes u look at things differently as well

casualencounters.com/blog said...

I was so glad that David figured out a solution. I was going to suggest a 60-second face-dip in a bucket of hydrochloric acid.

Good for him!

Cherie said...

Heh. DoctressJulia, you are a stronger woman than I am. ;)

ninjacooter said...

You had me at "my own sexual expertise with women falls somewhere between that of a 4 year-old Amish boy and a gay seagull."

Anonymous said...

Sorry my OCD has taken over and I need to point out that it's Lynyrd Skynyrd. Thanks for listening, and thanks for posting, I read both your blogs, I only wish there were more.

SassyTeffie said...

At least twice a day, preferably. Since my hubby is an OTR truck driver it's usually 0. When he's home we try and catch up on that 2 a day average though!

Lynnie Stoel said...

All this talk of sex is just weirding me out. When my husband and I feel like sharing intimacy, we often play a hand of Euchre or, perhaps, play Scrabble. It's educational and emotionally fulfilling.

He offered once to insert his... his.... you know, the thing he pees out of... into my actual MOUTH. Can you imagine? We talked to our parish priest to help us through that difficult time, and it was months before I could respect him again.

We're in a much better place now. Even though he works late every night and has to leave on weekends for business trips, we always make time for a cup of tea together and, if we're feeling especially frisky, dominoes.

G.H. said...

mmm. You did it again. Love everything you write.

http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/

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Katie said...

I *loved* your long post. Feel free to write more like this all the time. :)

As a woman, I'm so "friggid (sic)" that I would ideally fuck 4-5 times a week, with the other days set for some high-school style making out. That shit was fun.

As a recovering addict, props to David. Recovery is hard as shit. Even harder, I imagine, when your drug of choice (pussy) is being thrown in your face all the time. It's hard enough for me, and I don't have bitches tossing balloons of junk at me every day. Word.

blueeyes38 said...

I can tell you what I think of the old fart....I'm totally and completely repulsed by his ad! Trust me ...young girls...don't want him! These type of ads turn women off. Again...IT TURNS WOMEN OFF!!

dites_moi_ou_pas said...

As usual, weez, you hit the nail on the head.

"sex addict" and "creepyuglyoldmantryingtobangunderagegirlsandreasonawayhisinfidelity."

I hate to mean (not really) but this guy is no David Duchovny. He can't get away with that shit.

Anonymous said...

My boyfriend actually has nymphomania. Poses quite the problem when it's hurts to walk, and you actually have to get out of bed to go to work the next morning. But what can I say, he's very, ah, "enthusiastic" >;3

wheelin126 said...

Holy shit I can get dinner at Sizzlers...where the hell do I sign up, outa my way girls he is MINE!! Oh I forgot about the part where he will get me preggo if I want...umm I just lost my appetite.

wife of a sex addict said...

in all seriousness, a year later, and still recovering from the shock of it all, i have to wonder.... i mean about everything
so maybe you can answer some questions for me

what is normal? i mean what is fair to expect.
you see my husband always told me that men are always looking, and thinking and hoping for sex.
I could go on but you get the point

is it realistic for a women to expect that a man could make love and share a connection, or is it really all about the physical?
do men really love? what is their love mean, and how does that work out with ours
and because you know this recovering sex addict, and you are a recovering addict yourself, when my husbands says to me
"i will never lie to you again, i am sorry, and i love you. I think that the things that i did were not wrong, the only thing wrong was that i lied to you and the women that I had sex with that allowed 4 guys to do her at one time is sexually evolved. it was a dream come true for her. I love you and if i cant have sex with others, that is fine, i want something more with you, what we could have had. BUT if i could I would.... I would have my cake and eat it too"
so... i hope your read this and maybe give me some insight, not just me...
you think men are confused as to what women want....
we are too, especially those of us who have had our reality shaken and are still trying to put the world back together

Juhani said...

Pornography, which is especially the problem of men, is the second main factor in the life of a sex addict. This can mean porn magazines, films or material on the Internet that is used to seek for satisfaction. For example on the Internet general headwords concerning this issue are … By them people seek for satisfaction.

One problem with pornography is that it does not bring long-lasting satisfaction to us. These magazines or films kind of promise that you will find the erotic picture you have always been looking and longing for, but the satisfaction does not last for long. As time goes by, many may experience the same as alcoholics and drug addicts: they need more and more powerful stimulus to experience the same stimulation as before, because the amount of pleasure diminishes.

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Anonymous said...

I could do with multiple times a day, though there are some days where sex won't appeal to me very much. But on an average day, 2-3 times would be excellent.

Also, I don't know what's up with all the old men thinking that they can get with young girls. I'm a 21-year-old female and any time I see an older man (old=over 40) leering at me I get queasy. They need to stick to someone their own age.

Anonymous said...

>>Women hate bad sex. Being one of them, I should know. But what we hate the most is when we try to coach a partner so we can turn that bad sex into fairly decent sex and they completely ignore our advice.<<

Whomever wrote this, I love you. I'd also like to say "hi" to the author of the blog; your writing is wonderful, hilarious, and I look forward to reading more of it.

I am married to a man I love very much. At the same time, I am wondering if it's time to find some other outlet for a raging sex drive that he does not seem to share. I'd be thrilled with once a day. He's into once a week. Maybe.

No matter how many times I have patiently explained certain facts of the female anatomy to him, he does not get it. The vibrator is a personal affront to him. In other words, I should just be able to will myself to come. Believe me when I tell you that without it, I would have not experienced the big O for the past fifteen years. (Guess what? It's not possible for me to come in thirty seconds or less.) I would like to try some new things. He's not interested.

Seriously.

Before we were married, I used to think sex just wouldn't be that big of a deal. It has loomed much larger than I ever anticipated. I'm plus-sized, but so is he. If he's using that excuse and not being truthful about it, he has no idea of the problems that will rain down on him. The woman further up in the comments who said she was looking for a guy who'd be interested in meeting a BBW who's working on getting smaller? Oh, yeah.

The guys that invented the Rabbit Habit should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

Anonymous said...

"I don't worry about trolls or haters, I'm actually amused by them. Some funny stuff they write me and post in the comments. I'll post one of my hatemails soon."

Why on earth don't you start a blog of hatemail, Weas? You already have two which are generating said hatemail; why not make 3 the magic number? I know I'd read it!

I'm an ameteur writer myself and absolutely salivate with jealousy over your command of the English language. Kudos to you, you really have a talent!

As to the advert... When I was 19 I was still a virgin and wanted my first experience to be amazing, and went to bed with a 37-year-old who insisted he was an amazing lay. No prizes for guessing the quality of his bedroom action.

Not only was he rubbish at it, but, because I found it such an unrewarding experience, I went off the whole idea of sex and spent the next 6 months wondering what was wrong with me. It was actually a pretty dark time, and added to my depression without a doubt.

To answer your question of how much sex... Well, I'd say 2 a day.

wakemenow said...

Ugh, I will be happy to live out the rest of my life never again hearing a man refer to himself as a "sex addict." No he's not, he's just using that as a defense once caught cheating or pretending to be a sexual dynamo. Some wives do buy the excuse, though probably fewer once the term gains greater (generic) popularity and comes to be applied universally to the general male population. Dumb.

Someone anonymously mentioned communication, and I 100% concur. Seems far too few couples are talking openly and honestly with one another about sexual and interpersonal desires, preferences, and exploration. But what would I know about relationships? :P

Not sure if anyone's seen it but Naomi Klein has an interesting article out titled "The Porn Myth" where she argues that porn, rather than necessarily increase aggression toward women as envisioned by feminists in the '60s and '70s, actually turns men off to the "real thing." It's a theory worth considering at least:
http://nymag.com/nymetro/news/trends/n_9437/

If I had to choose, 2-3 times a week is enough sex for me.

Anonymous said...

This was extremely funny. I used to get a real kick out of the term sex addict. I mean come on! Until I realized I was one. I started out doing a little but a little wouldn't do it so a little got more and more. I just kept trying to do a little better a little better than before.

You are really funny. Thanks for making me laugh

Anonymous said...

I love to be romanced, carressed and then fucked until I cannot hold back my organsimn any longer and my partner is right there with me, stroking and pulling and diving together,gasping for breath, each other. squealin in delight...ahhhhh. If there anything better to enjoy in this world? ....

Anonymous said...

You are "fucking" hilarious! Thanks for making me laugh out loud ;)

Anonymous said...

Seriously, is this guy my ex-husband? Sure sounds like him! He even had a fondness for Super 8!

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Miranda said...

I'm happy with every 2-3 days. But then again I am middle aged.

What's more important than how often it's done is how WELL it is done. It needs to last 15-20 minutes. Not 3.

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sarah said...

awesome read! this is my first time commenting you as i just got turned on to your blog recently, and i have to say, i'm totally hooked!

and, to answer your question? i'd say 3, but being realistic, 2.

Anonymous said...

I'm with Sarah. Three times a day is most ideal for me; upon waking, after work, and before going to sleep. That sounds workable, doesn't it? I've been told by every man I've lived with that my needs are unreasonable, but I guess that might be why I no longer live with any of them and why I now have a bf ten years younger than myself. So boom.

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