Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Hurricane Steve Presents: The Virgin Chronicles


looking to fuck me -19M

youcan call me Steve my freinds call me huricane or huricane Steve. 19 years old I want someone to help me loose my virginity this weekend. Mostly if I could stick it in your pussy for a minute, we dont actually have to have sex. You can get me hard by giving me a blowjob because i had blowjobs before two times/

not intrested in bad smelling pussy or big girls. Also must be shaved yourself down there or dont have much hair at all is ok. dont be in your period either. no unshaved. Mostly I tired of my friends making fun of me, so you could help me. I dont have no experiense with girls so I dont know if you want me to try but you wuold have to tell me what to do. respond by wendsday so we do this when I trun 20 (before20>

if your overwaite women or hairy womendont call, and please be smelling nice. Don not drink or smoke. no drugs.white or asain woman only.

Steve XXX-XXX-XXXX

Today WWHM would like to issue an urgent warning regarding Hurricane Steve, a 19 year-old male virgin whose sudden and unfortunate approach may encourage women to nail an assortment of plywood boards to their vaginas. Hurricanes typically disperse copious amounts of moisture, but this particularly impotent storm promises to leave your panties drier than the sun parched asslips of a dehydrated sand snake slithering through a field of Sham-Wows.

Hurricane Steve posted a personal ad in hopes of losing his virginity, utilizing a series of detailed vaginal specifications for the upcoming christening of his penis. Personally, I didn't know I had that option when I was a virgin. To me, pussy was like prison food; you take what's given to you, or you don't fucking eat.

Yet Steve somehow intends to acquire a vagina in the same manner one might order a new Ford Taurus or a late-night pizza. Checking off his list of preferred genital toppings, Steve apparently thinks a man on a moped will deliver an insulated oven bag stuffed with a piping hot vagina in 30 minutes or less. You're a virgin Steve, so don't pretend like you're some type of connoisseur of the fairer sex; you wouldn't know a pussy if it was wearing a clown nose, eating a corn dog, and pockmarking dents in the hood of your car on a pogo stick.

Statistics reveal that our kids now lose their virginity at an average age of less than 15 years. I lost my virginity at 16, a relatively late bloomer amongst my own peers in the late 1980's. Boys now generally lose their virginity at age 14, and girls trail boys just a bit at 15. So I wasn't surprised when I recently asked my friend's 13 year-old daughter what she fed her rabbit, and she responded "2 D batteries," followed quickly by "Oh, I ... mean.....lettuce."

Though I lost my virginity at age 16, my first sexual thoughts smokily emanated upwards from my briefs at age 12. I had developed a crush on a little girl up the street named Amy who always wore short little cotton dresses to class, and I'd sit across from her all day gawking hungrily at her tanned and tiny legs. While you'd think my first sexual fantasy would entail holding her hand or perhaps peeking at her breasts, inexplicably I was obsessed with an insane desire to lick her legs. Specifically her thighs, right above her kneecaps. I couldn't stop thinking about it. It drove me nuts.

I didn't know it was sexual at the time, and I certainly couldn't understand my strange and raging desire to run my tongue over the thigh of a girl who didn't even know I existed. I remember fearing I was turning into one of those "cannibals" I had read about in my pirate magazines, and certainly by the end of the week you would catch me somewhere in a forest snacking on the brains of unfortunate passersby after tricking them into a boiling cauldron of carrots I had prepared.

Eventually I connected my crazy thoughts about Amy with the sudden and raging disco party occurring daily in my pants. My balls dropped like a cruise ship anchor, and my constantly hard penis resembled the tiny arm of a meerkat reaching for a bowl of unripe pears. I discovered I could somewhat relieve the pressure by smashing it against a support pole on my school desk, or imagining my grandmother stirring a bowl of runny eggs. Four years later, I would unfortunately discover that I could also lose my erection while attempting to have sex.

Teenage male virgins face enormous social pressure to have sex. It was easy for most; the dashing young boys with cool shirts, the guys on the football team, and the rocker guys that hung out behind the school were all fucking girls and getting blowjobs during lunch. I, on the other hand, ate granola bars during lunch and still got hard at even the thought of a well-crafted pillow. Having just moved to the big city from a remote farm, I had no style, no athleticism, no body, and I constantly reeked of something that might leak out of a goat.

So I did what every male teen virgin did.

I lied.

I concocted a ridiculous story that I was having regular and mind-blowing sex with a girl from ..... wait for it .... Canada. The kids at my school actually developed new and specialized ocular muscles just to enable them to roll their eyes further back into their skulls when I excitedly told everyone about Rachel, my imaginary nymphomaniac girlfriend who lived in Vancouver. Could I have been any less original? Not surprisingly, Canada's primary exports to the U.S. at the time included fish and fish products, lumber, and fake female nymphomaniacs that loved blowing complete loser teenage American boys. Though I recently heard that due to the poor economy, fake Canadian nymphomaniacs are now only exporting completely fabricated handjobs.

I held tight to my bullshit story until I was 16 years old, when I was invited to a party at a friends house. Little did I know I would lose my virginity that night, and as expected, it was the most embarrassingly awful experience of my entire life.

Heather had her eye on me for quite some time. If anyone was going to sleep with me it was Heather, a girl that actually bragged about blowing members of the calculus club and sleeping with a mentally retarded neighbor. That made me feel like a real prize. If this girl had carved a notch in her bedpost for every guy she slept with, I could use her bedpost to pick almond skins out of my teeth.

Heather had recently developed a habit of meeting me at my car after school and grabbing my crotch as I sat in the driver's seat. "You wanna play?" she'd ask, fruitlessly searching my empty jeans for something hard to grip, and eventually massaging an assortment of loose mints and coins lining the interior of my pockets. Most boys my age would have pursued the offer, but I was such a nervous wreck about her touching my penis that it instantly recoiled like the electrical cord on a vacuum cleaner.

I drove to the party that night and proceeded to get fucking wasted out of my mind. Heather arrived drunk about two hours later and bee-lined for my crotch. "Let's go fuck in your car," she said. She grabbed my hand and led me out the door towards the parking lot.

This was it. It was finally going to happen.

Once in the back seat of my car, Heather clothes flew off so fast I barely had time to react. She ripped down my jeans and started giving me my first blowjob, and .... it happened. I got hard. My alcohol-fueled confidence won out over my insecurities, and I was ready to go.

She stopped to come up for air and told me to put on a condom. I scrambled around the dark car trying to find my wallet, and in my drunkenness I instantly went soft. She tried playing with me, but now I was thinking about why I wasn't hard, the absolute death knell of every male erection. "You need to go down on me again," I said. She gave me a look of disgust, which only agitated me further. She sighed and went down on me again, and I lay back thinking to myself "OK, now get hard." Of course, now, it just wasn't going to happen.

"What's wrong with you? Don't you like girls?" she asked.

I was so fucking embarrassed at this point that I had to prove to her there was nothing wrong with me. So I began trying to breathe life into my own deflated penis by yanking on it like I was trying to start an old lawnmower I had just pulled out of a river. She sat in the seat next to me watching, a horrified look on her face usually reserved for the aftermath of fatal car accidents or live televised intestinal surgeries.

I couldn't get myself hard. It was freezing cold, absolutely pouring rain, and a bored naked girl was staring at me expectantly with her arms crossed. Then ..... a spark. I was able to almost get fully hard, but only because mysteriously I was ready to cum. I slipped the condom over myself and told her to get on top of me. I got inside of her for only a couple seconds ... and then my penis slipped out without the condom.

And I came.

On her leg.

"Did you just pee on me?" she asked.

"No .. I ... uh ..."

I didn't have to finish the sentence.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" she asked incredulously. She pulled the condom out of her and slapped it on my arm, quickly gathered her clothes, and stormed out of my car, walking with the confidence of a sixteen year-old girl titillated with the anticipation of telling the entire high school that I had either a:) urinated on her, or b:) came faster than a mentally retarded boy.

I sat in my car, staring at the ceiling, soaking in a puddle of my own cold, misfired ejaculate.

I had begun the night a boy in his car, and ended the night a man. Though, in retrospect, I had never imagined becoming a man involved sitting alone in the back of my Volkswagen Rabbit holding my sad, flaccid penis in my hand whilst I hastily mopped up the rapidly crystallizing stalactites of cold, misfired spermitizoa from the roof of my car.

On my first night as a real man, I cried like a little fucking bitch.

So now you know what you have to look forward to, Hurricane Steve.

I'm sure the first time you drove a car, you certainly didn't require a 6 cylinder engine, a 5 speed manual transmission, leather seats and a sunroof. You had no fucking clue what you were doing, so why would it matter?

So wipe your worthless grocery list of vaginal qualifications from the face of the earth, and embrace any make and model of vagina allowing you to pass through her cock wash.

Now that I've thoroughy embarrassed myself with the story I promised, please feel free to leave your truthful and honest initial sexual tragedies in the comments.

Losing your virginity, your first sexual thoughts, whatever you can dig up to make WWHM feel just a bit less like a complete fucking ass.

And you wonder why I choose to remain anonymous.

And of course, read the first comment, which I will post, to make myself feel just a little bit better.

213 comments:

1 – 200 of 213   Newer›   Newest»
Weasel said...

I called Heather the next day.

She came over to my house, and I absolutely fucking pounded the shit out of her. All. Day. Long.

Sexual confidence?

Cemented.

I felt a little bit better after that.

Weasel said...

I thought a lot about this before I wrote it, and realized that I had previously mentioned I was 15 when I lost my virginity.

Wasn't possible.

I lost my virginity in my own car, which meant I was 16.

Social Dullard said...

My first interest in girl's was when i was about 8. Crushing really since they never gave me the time of day while in primary school. What was worse was my secondary school was an all boys school. Not a female in sight.

It wasn't untill i was 14 after what is a rather embarrising story of experimenting with my erection that i discovered masterbation. Like most teenage boys i was inseprable after that point. At times vivid fantasies of sexual acts filled my mind like i actually knew what they felt like but it never happened.

I wasn't one of the popular kids, i didn't go out much, i didn't drink untill i was 16 and even then i didn't like it. I left secondary school without ever having had a date with the opposite sex or even a kiss.

Then college. For some bizzare reason i choose to be a male nurse. The change of scenery was bad enough. 250+ girls to 20 guys. Sounds good, no not really. I lost several friendships just because of stupid crushes. It wasn't untill after my first year that i just said fuck it and asked a close friend if she would be interested in going out.

When i first met her i thought she was wierd, clingy. I was sort of right. Basically we were all over each other pretty quickly. The first weekend i stayed at hers we couldnt keep our hands off each other. In a rather pushy way i managed to get her into bed instead of experimenting with foreplay. 15 minutes of senseless trusting insued where she had fun and i couldnt get anything out of it. It took 3 or for more times at sex before i even had fun. She was easily pleased i wasn't. I was 19.

Unfortunatly i'm 21 and so far that is the only relationship i've had.

Anonymous said...

i'm touched that you opened up to us like this! but hey, bad sex happens, especially the first time. made for a good story, anyway...

twunty mcslore said...

This is (in reverse) why I never dated high school boys and waited til I was 19 to lose my virginity to an older guy at college.
I actually knew a girl who had to transfer to an all girl's catholic school after the dude who popped her cherry blabbed to everyone. Ruined reputations make for more abstinence than all the God fearing purity ring police combined.

Anonymous said...

Waited til I was 22, he was 25 and had only had sex once (should have been a warning to me, really). It was after a long day of traveling and walking, we were both exhausted, but I wanted to do it anyway.

We were (are?) both overweight, and he was (is?) very, very small. Less than four inches. The only position he could get it in me was with me on top, and I soon tired of doing all the work. We called it quits after 15 minutes of trying.

In this relationship, in an eight month period, we had sex only five times total. He was anorgasmic and blamed me. He also had a huge asian fetish that I could not satisfy. My only regret about the situation is that I was with him as long as I was and didn't dump his ass.

Anonymous said...

I was 16, he was 18 and his mate was 19. Yes, that's right, I lost my virginity in a threesome. Not the best idea in retrospect

Hyena Overlord said...

Standard issue event. Back seat of a car in the middle of winter. Rudely interrupted by a policeman lighting up the inside of the car with a spotlight. Thankfully all the windows were frosted over.

As for Steve. I will no longer be washing or shaving, anything.

Anonymous said...

So funny! Thanks for being so open. The universal theme of lost virginity is that the first time sucks.

After my (equally un fun) first time his kitten retrieved the used condom from the rubbish and drug it out in all its sticky glory for my boyfriends parents to see. BF's father was a baptist minister. Yep.

Anonymous said...

This is a 'failure to lose virginity' story, just FYI :)

I never dated highschool boys - firstly, yuck; secondly, no skill! - but various men post-school turned out to be idiots long before they got anywhere near my happy places.

Fast forward to me being 21, on a European holiday and becoming very good friends with a gorgeous, tall American 18 year old... things became delightfully hot and heavy, and in between desperate makeout sessions and excellent nudity, our conversations turned to previous sexual activity. At which point (being the lovely honest gal I am) mentioned that, while I didn't find it a big deal, I hadn't had sex yet!

At which point he sat back, sighed, and then told me he wouldn't have sex with me. Because he "didn't want to hurt me" and "I should wait until I'm in a real relationship" and he "didn't think we'd have time for it to be any good".

I honestly thought he was kidding, but no. No. I was honestly stunned into silence - an American teenager who wouldn't have no-strings-attached holiday sex?! The movies lied to me! (...I might not be able to really complain, because he proceeded to eat me out like an utter champ,I guess only PIV sex should wait for a real relationship?!)

The next guy I dated ended up having drunken panic attacks to his mates over my virginity, mostly focused on the issue that if we had sex, I might think I was his girlfriend! I ended that relationship soon after I heard about this (heard from his friends, I might add, with copious amounts of sniggering, not from him.)

The next fellow (I then 22, him 30) and I had an extremely casual relationship, mostly involving very drunken making out and getting naked. Until he (not even knowing I was a virgin) declared that he was "deeply conflicted and guilty" about the casual relationship we were having, and that we shouldn't take it any further because it was never going to be a serious relationship, it would only ever be a casual, physical thing.


Somehow in my early 20s I managed to only attract men with sexual guilt complexes. And serious hangups about virginity. :\ Who knew they even existed?!

(The actual loss story is far less interesting. Thank God.)

Anonymous said...

Weasel, I first gotta say I just love this blog. I like men, but I do spend a good chunk of my time laughing at them. :)

However, your story, instead of making me laugh, made me go "Awww" and want to hug that 16 year old you and tell you that everything would be ok.

Does anyone want to hear about a first sexual experience that was GOOD? Mine definitely didn't suck... haha, neither did I. Too shy. Too "vanilla".

schammieschammie said...

The perfect post.. I was shooting coffee out my nose laughing, and then feeling a pang for the 16 yr old Weasel in all the awkwardness, then again mopping up coffee at Weasel's first comment.

I suppose you have humiliated yourself enough to be welcomed back with open arms (and legs), honey. But did you bring cake?

SeriousCat said...

Awwww, that was so sweet and awkward, my heart bled for the poor 16yo Weasel.

I won't mention my first time because a) I was decidedly underage and b) he was definitely a hell a lot of a older than me, and I think some things are best left in the past 8-)

As for Hurricane Steve.. HA... He won't be getting ANY.

Mack Truck said...

Weasel, so happy your second "date" with Heather worked out well.

I lost my virginity at 18 y/o. That's kind of late, but not because I wasn't TRYING to get rid of it! Lost it to a friend of my brothers, in his car. Typical!

I was fat, an A student, and wore glasses as a teenager. That trifecta insured I had less chance of losing my virginity in HS than a one legged man winning a kicking contest.

Once I was out of HS, I lost weight, got contacts, and started dressing fit to kill. I was still smart, but that didn't scare men away until AFTER they got to know me!

CaliGirl9 said...

I expect that Hurricane Steve will peter out faster than you did, Weasel.

I think I’ve posted this here before, but it fits. The teenage neighbor kid was still a virgin at 17. He and his buddies drove to the famous Mustang Ranch to lose their virginity with an experienced woman.

Dumb kid paid for oral sex. Him on her. His buddies paid for and got the real thing. Dumb kid was teased mercilessly until he tripped over some chick dumber than he was and they lost their virginity together. I think it took two extra years …

He's now in his 30s. I wonder if he's gotten any since then ...

Anonymous said...

Great story Weasel, puts our own "rather average to bad" first experiences seem like Dirk Diggler Academy.

But as for our WWHM candidate of the week Hurricane Steve, are all his spelling mistakes just a new “hip” way teens in the US are writing now, or is he just illiterate?

This seems to be such a common occurrence in the letters you post, that I find myself sometimes having a bit of sympathy, against my better judgment, for these misogynistic losers.

Keep up the good work.

Weasel said...

Don't feel sorry for me. Laugh at me. Point at me and mock me.

I fucking laugh when I think about that horrible night.

Fucking embarrassing.

I promised I'd lay it out, so I did.

I'm going to bed.

Check out PLFM today guys, on the top left.

Fucking astoundingly horrible video over there today. I didn't know whether to post it over there or over here, but it seemed to fit better over there.

I wanted to hang myself while watching it.

Pathetic douchebags at their worst.

Fanny said...

I lost my virginity at 17. I had been seeing the guy (my first real boyfriend) for about 3 months. Initially, I had wanted to wait until our 6 month anniversary, but hormones are hormones and I wanted his dick now. So I called him up one Sunday night and asked him what he was doing the following Tuesday during our lunch break at school. He said "nothing, why?" I said "Wanna have sex?"

He was pretty stunned but came around eventually. That Tuesday I skipped first period and waited for him to come to my house while the parents were out. I even bought lingerie. Everything was fucking perfect, we fooled around for a while and then I lay back and waited for him to do it. It really really really hurt. I started groaning and he took it as a good sign so went faster when I finally teared up and screamed "MOMMY SAID IT WOULDN'T HURT!"

Needless to say the poor boy was somewhat... deflated. I was horrified, he was horrified but we were luckily enough actually in love (wow, I know.) So we cuddled for a while and I blubbered and apologized and he said it was ok. We tried again about an hour later and then proceeded to fuck in every known position (him on top, me on top, heheh) for several hours. Then we went and did an intro to philosophy midterm. It was fun.

Pam C. said...

Don't sweat it, Weasel....I was starting to think that I was the only one who had a bad "first time" story.....I was in (you guessed it) a car, but hey, at least it was by a lake, so it was sort of romantic, right? And of all things, "I Hope You're With Me When It's Over" started playing on the radio. You can't make this stuff up. I'll spare you the gory details, but I did walk away from the whole thing wondering what the big deal was about. It took some time before I found out. No one is really that good at 16. (Yeah, I guess I was a late bloomer, too...LOL)

Anonymous said...

Lost mine aged 20 to a Bulgarian criminal in the back of my car, overlooking the sea. She was rubbish. I was unimpressed but it got the virginity thing out of the way at least :P

Wonderful World of Weiners said...

Wow. Not at all sure what to say. Too busy laughing my ass off and thanking God that I'm a girl. Guess I never really thought how hard (or not) it is to be a teenage boy!

Hallie

MIC said...

Oh Weasel... I just want to hug you... with my vagina, hehehe.

I found out what that part of my body could do at age 9. When my mother caught on to what I might be doing in the bath tub she of course thought I was possessed by the devil. Luckily, I already didn’t trust her rantings so I ignored her and developed what I consider a pretty healthy sexual identity. Ok, it may be a little out there, but anyway. I was a tomboy and didn’t even have a boyfriend until the beginning of Sr. year, who was also a virgin. We both went from nothing to oral in 2 weeks. Two moths later we had skipped school and were making out on the floor hot and heavy, butt ass naked for the first time. He was getting pretty aggressive so I kept asking him if it was ‘too much’ for him to take, as I hadn’t really planed on having full blown sex yet. I had just given him a BJ so I didn’t think my innocence (yeah right) was in immediate danger. We were doing the whole ‘weenie in the hot dog bun’ thing and the ‘area’ was sooo slippery and it was feeling so good I was eventually just like ‘what the hell’ and gave that little ‘tilt’. He froze and thought he had just REALLY messed up but figured out pretty quick I was ok with it and proceeded. There was no pain to speak of, at least not the bad kind, I guess it was all those years of ridding horses. We were DUMB DUMB DUMB and didn’t even have a condom but at least, when the time came, he had the presence of mind to pull out. All in all, a pretty great experience. 11 years later and I am 3 weeks away from having our third and FINAL kido. He got a snip snip.

Anonymous said...

I'm actually still a 'technical' virgin at 25, albeit mostly only because it turns out I really, REALLY like giving head and I haven't found a guy who will hold out for more yet. But since you shared with us, Weasel, I feel the need to give back, so here's my completely humiliating first ever masturbation story. And my apologies for the length.

I was one of those geeky, control-freak kids, and knowing my luck, there was no way I was going to test out anything sexual in my parents' house...I would've been caught within seconds. So I waited until I went to college, but I had a roommate then and never wanted to risk it. I have little-to-no sense of smell, and I remember being completely paranoid that the smell would hang around for days without my knowledge and give me away.

But, lo and behold, the summer of my 21st birthday, I got a paid internship out of state, and they put me up in a really nice personal suite. I had nothing to do in that town after work and nobody to answer to, so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.

I went all out, for some reason: candles, bubble bath, Marvin Gaye cd...the works! And I had no real idea what I was doing, but it felt pretty nice.

An hour later, my hand was cramping and I still couldn't get anywhere past "pretty nice."

But I was determined, so I dried off, switched the music to Nirvana, did a couple shots of Jim Beam and got a little more aggressive. And that felt better, but 30 minutes later I was sweaty and exhausted and still hadn't really got anywhere.

So I gave up, sprawled on the couch, and threw on a pro wrestling dvd. I'm a huge fangirl, which I only mention because the match that started playing had possibly the best pacing in WWE history. So without really thinking about it, I'm still kind of touching myself, and now I'm working in time with the match.

I'll go to the grave insisting that it was the improved timing that got me off, and not the fact that I was watching a 15-year-old classic wrestling match. Testing since then has proven me right, but that first time...whatever works, you know?

So when I was able to breathe again, I realized I was completely dehydrated, and I stumbled up to the kitchenette for a glass of water. I managed to get both ice and water in the glass and take a single sip before my vision blacked out. I very carefully set the glass onto the counter, and that's the last thing I remember.

When I woke up, it was 30 minutes later and people were knocking on my door and yelling. I couldn't lift my head for a minute, so I looked around and saw a patch of blood and hair on the corner of the faux marble counter, where I had apparently clipped the back of my head as I fainted. My head was held to the tile floor with my own dried blood. I finally managed to yank myself up and answer the door, where the landlord informed me that my neighbors had heard a huge crash and wanted to make sure I was all right. I was, although it definitely ended my self-exploration for several months.

S. Stitchery said...

You know, My very first sexual experience wasn't even horrible. He was older and knew what he was doing ...for the most part.

The shit happened when I was in a two year long relationship and found every reason I could NOT to have sex. and the ONE one night stand I had...AWEFUL.

So I agree..Bad sex happens! You seemed to have recovered from your first bad experience well enoughm though. Good on ya.

But also, women are not immune to bad sex performances, promise.

Anonymous said...

Weasel, this post had me laughing out loud! :D :D :D

I lost my virginity when I was 15. He was a senior and I thought he was totally hot. When I told him I was a virgin, he got this look of wonder on his face and treated me very gently. Unfortunately for me, a lifetime of horseback riding had not broken my hymen and it hurt like a bitch. I wanted to keep trying, but he didn't want to hurt me anymore. I never saw that guy again, but when I had sex with the boy next door, it didn't hurt, so apparently that first guy had gotten the job done. lol

I was smart, not very social, and lived out in the country. Obviously I wasn't one of the popular kids. When I got to college though, people only saw what I was, not what I had been. I had so much sex in college that I lost count of the number of guys I had been with, but the number was over 50. <:O Yeah, those were some days to remember! lol

Now though, after 10 years with my husband, I'm getting divorced, and suddenly again I'm worried about having sex with someone new. I wouldn't think, with all of my experience, that the thought of being with someone new would be scary, but it is for some reason. I sort of feel like I'm in high school again! lol

Anonymous said...

My story isn't that interesting, but just wanted to share, first of all, that man, if I'd known that us Canadian girls could get loser American boys any time we wanted, I totally would have gone to the States sooner. Ha ha. I have a thing for nerds. Smart is wayyyy more attractive than anything else.

Anyway, the real story. I lost my virginity to my fiance at 18 (in university), partially because I went to an all-girls high school, and partially because all the guys I knew were tools. My first kiss was shortly after my 18th birthday with one such tool, and it was SO bad. He tongue kissed me for my first kiss, like a chameleon that mistakenly got its tongue wrapped in a spider web, and was trying to scrape it loose on a algae-encrusted rotting log. It was disgusting, but I assumed that maybe I was supposed to like it and I was just weird. Heh. Awful. OH. And he tried to finger me and it was awful too. Like, good god, it's a clitoris, not a paper football! He'd had a thing for me since we were 14, and would have slept with me, gladly, but I was far more interested in the manufacturing process of the ceiling tiles that I stared at while trying to figure out how to get OUT of making out with somebody after you initiated it. Worst night of my teenage life, by far.

But! Virginity story. So my fiance (boyfriend at the time) is not a wham-bam-thank-ya-ma'am type. He gets off on satisfying me. And, because I'm a reasonably small person, and he is a reasonably large guy, and me being a virgin... yeah, it hurt like hell the first time. And the time after that. And basically every time for the next two weeks. It was horrible and embarrassing, but any penetration at all was agony. It wasn't a hymen thing either (horseback riding breaks it), probably just a size difference. So he'd start, but end up stopping immediately. He tried to be so nice about it, had lube and everything but couldn't bring him self to hurt me.

The sappy ending to the story is that the night I told him that I loved him (and vice-versa), it stopped hurting, and so I finally lost my virginity then.

hellkell said...

I was 16, lost it in the basement of his parent's house, the usual bad first time experience. I remeber thinking "what's the big deal?" I found that out a few years later with someone who knew what they were doing!

Whenever the fiance and I hear Foreigner's "Feels Like The First Time," we laugh and wonder who the hell would want to commemorate THAT in song.

http://petfail.blogspot.com

BikerPuppy said...

Funniest line ever: "drier than the sun parched asslips of a dehydrated sand snake slithering through a field of Sham-Wows." Thanks Weasel!!

Anonymous said...

My first time was really nice, but slightly weird.

I was 15 and a half, my boyfriend was just short of his 15th birthday, and he'd decided he wanted to wait until we were both 16 (legal age here in Australia).

He was coming to stay for a few days at my family's holiday house, and I knew I'd be tempted to pressure him. My brother had a hypnotism book ("Amaze your friends!"), so I took some tips from it and tried to self-hypnotise myself not to want sex, by repeating it as though it were true over and over to myself as I went to sleep.

When my boyfriend arrived, he told me he'd changed his mind. I was ecstatic, and we got down to business... and couldn't get it in. The hypnotism had worked: I was as tight as the grasp of an alarmed octopus.

So we took a break and I re-hypnotised myself, had a short nap, and tried again. This time it worked, and it was really lovely. Slightly friction-y, but not painful, and I've never regretted doing it.

In conclusion, hypnotism works!

Nyk said...

I was actually shocked to read about your erroneous fears of cannibalism because I had a very similar experience when I first had sexual urges. I didn't know what they were and I mistakenly attributed them to hunger. I thought I wanted to "eat" whatever woman I was attracted to. I didn't really want to eat her but that was the word I used in my mind. Also it was the legs for me too, they were just so... delicious. Ah, the importance of sex education.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious post!

I didn't feel my first sexual urges until I was about 13 (female poster here). I chose not to have sex in high school. I ended up losing my virginity in college, to another virgin. It's a sweet memory; I have no regrets about it, and I'm glad I waited for the right guy. He had trouble with his erection that first time too; I think it must have been just nerves, because he had no trouble after the first time. I helped him get his erection back. Penetration did hurt like hell, but I was expecting that. Unfortunately, it continued to hurt after the first time. I was small and he was big. Size is not always a good thing. I began to enjoy sex a lot more after my first pregnancy.

Anonymous said...

I lost mine to the guy in the Chef Boyardee commercials who said, "Mmmmmmm, beefy" while devouring a bowl of canned ravioli in the jungle. Everyone called him Beefy Boy and I was utterly smitten. There was a story about him and another girl giving him head and accidentally scraping off a huge piece of skin off of his dick with her teeth, which just added to his mystique for me. He was a junior and I was a freshman. We snuck into the drama room after class and had terrrible, painful sex on the cold tile of the green room bathroom. Afterwards, he told everyone that I was probably pregnant. My algebra teacher heard the rumor and called my mom, my mom told my dad, and my dad busted into my english class and took me to the doctors office to get a pregnancy test.

I didn't have sex again for 7 years.

serissime said...

Had my first healthy reciprocal relationship first semester of college. (I'm gay so the dating pool is small if you have standards.) I was a virgin so we waited a little while before doing it.... and.. found out that my birth control kept me from getting anything out of it! Yay! So she cried a little bit (ego bruiser) and I told her it was okay (which it was). I went off my birth control and we proceeded to have a decent sex life after that.

Mack Truck said...

Um, WHY would you need BC if you're gay?

Somethin' smells fishy, and it ain't my tuna sandwich!

igiveup said...

I'm laughing over the cannibalism comments.

At around age 19 or so, I got stuck driving my 14-year-old brother around one day and every time we drove by a female between the ages of oh I dunno, jailbait to 40, my brother would sing out, "LUNCHtime!"

I was so innocent, I had no freaking idea what he meant. At ALL.

It took me a couple more years to grasp his meaning.

Years later I laughingly related the story to him and he had the good sense to blush.

Diablo said...

Mack Truck...

Birth control is used for many things other than birth control... It's still birth control but that doesn't mean that's why you're using it...

Mack Truck said...

Diablo, I stand corrected.

However, if she needed it for something other than BC, why was it so easy for her to discontinue using it? I'd imagine if she needed it for a medical reason, stopping it would have been against doctor's recommendation.

Just sayin'....

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I have to say, this is the funniest blog you have EVER written and I give you credit for writing it. But you're right. I have NEVER envied men having to deal with that first time. It must be awful for most. I know what judgmental bitches we women are.

>>This is (in reverse) why I never dated high school boys and waited til I was 19 to lose my virginity to an older guy at college.<<

Me too. After all, if you don't know how to drive, why would you pair yourself with an instructor who's equally clueless? Learn from an expert, learn right!

Cut-N-Jump said...

>>...but this particularly impotent storm promises to leave your panties drier than the sun parched asslips of a dehydrated sand snake slithering through a field of Sham-Wows.<<

Honestly, my gum went flying out of my mouth. Then I started coughing to cover up my laughter.

>>So I began trying to breathe life into my own deflated penis by yanking on it like I was trying to start an old lawnmower I had just pulled out of a river.<<

Oh, the visuals!

This is why we love you so, Weasel.

Virginity story? Well my BF lived across the street from the high school, so we would run over to his house for lunch and a bit of fooling around. Nothing spectacular, and we dated on and off until graduation. The relationship continued for a few years afterwards and we are still on speaking terms, although his new wife can’t stand the mention of my name. She’s a nice enough person and they have 2 daughters around the same age as my oldest.

Sorry, no backseat romances. That didn’t happen until a couple years later.

Kat said...

My first time was just dandy, so I can't use that, though I didn't lose it till I was 17. However, the first time anything ever made it past the Labia Sisters is another story...

I've known how to pleasure myself since I can remember, basically. I caught on early. But up until that night (I couldn't have been older than 13) I'd never actually found my vagina or ventured into that new frontier. It was all clit.

But I had this little rock that was, oh, slightly bigger and longer than one of my fingers. (Seriously, a rock I picked up on a beach somewhere and had kept as a memoir for years. Why did I think that this was a good idea?) I used it to masturbate clitorally out of some vague idea that it was somehow penis-shaped and that was important for some reason. Anyways, that night I was going at it a little more experimentally, I guess, because suddenly, oh! The little rock has suddenly disappeared halfway! Guess I must have found the in-hole...

So I gave it a shot, and hmm, it was kinda nice. But the longer I went, the slipperier I, and by extension the little makeshift dildo, got, until...

I lost the little fucker.

Slipped right out of my grip and disappeared Where No Man Has Gone Before. Little 13-year-old-me panicked; fished around trying to get it out, but there was no fucking way I was getting that little bastard using my fingers. No room to maneuver.

I did eventually get it out by summoning my reserves and giving one mighty push and popping the rock back out, to my immense relief.

Needless to say, from then on, I used my fingers.

Anonymous said...

Not a virginity loss story, but the first time I let a boyfriend finger me was awful. He was rooting around in there like he was trying to fish a coin out of a sofa, and he scientifically asks me "Is that your cervix?"

What the hell?

Annapolitan said...

I almost choked to death reading the
"first fingering" story from Anonymous, above.

Note to self: do not have a mouth full of Jujubes when reading the words "trying to fish a coin out of a sofa." You may end up needing to self-Heimlich.

Thanks for the laugh, Anonymous 11:26!

fromhel said...

'Hurricane' Steve doesn't seem to realize that 'my friends pick on me' isn't the hottest line ever. I get the feeling that he would be no fun, and would never live up to the image his nickname procures. (Maybe just for me. I have 'Rock You Like a Hurricane' stuck in my head.)

Oh my God guys. These are freaking terrible. XD

Thank you so much for the laughs.

I'm 18, (so is my boyfriend) and I'm abstaining until marriage.

I plan on being a VERY late bloomer, haha.

For anyone who wonders, bf is very supportive.

Weasel said...

Hilarious comments as usual.

OK, since male reader "Nyk" pointed it out up above, and I'm glad he did to prove I'm not the only guy that felt this way, what he said is exactly how I felt, and originally how I wrote this.

The "cannibal" thing is kind of a joke, but it kind of isn't. My first attraction to the little girls legs- I DID want to lick them- but I also wanted to bite them- take a bite of them if you will. I thought I was just hungry too.

I think the initial introduction of testosterone to the brain really fucks us up as boys- while sex is a human need, so is food- and somehow my synapses confused the two at first.

In fact I remember at first wanting to bite her legs- which then transformed into wanting to lick her legs- which then transformed into wanting to lick all of her.

Then I figured out what I wanted- all of it.

I thought you guys would find it too strange if I said I wanted to chew on her legs right out of the bat. Seems weird to me still, like I was a little Dahmer or something.

As you can see, getting the hit in the brain by testosterone was like getting hit in the head with a baseball bat.

Anonymous said...

i'm 17 and still a virgin. i'm going to wait until i find someone who actually knows what they are doing. i'm also a horseback rider so hopefully it won't hurt as much.

my first fingering story. my bf (now ex)couldn't even find my vagina. he was kinda feeling around and then "asks is this your vagina?" four words that made my vagina slam shut and my normally high sex drive sink down to a negative 100 level.

i actually had to grab his hand and shove his fingers up my pussy myself. and if by any miracle he did get anywhere close to making it feel good he would stop just as i started to moan! ugh

MJ said...

Weasel, this is probably the best post in a while - hilarious!! Can't wait to read more.

Megan @ adventuresofacarnivore.com

Anonymous said...

Mack Truck, I'm post divorce and haven't had sex in a year, but I take birth control pills continuously for migraine control (stops me from cycling and spares me the hormone spikes that cause migraines). If the BC pills were causing annoying side effects--like total loss of sex drive--I'd probably choose to stop them and just deal with the migraines.

And--total change of subject here--Weasel's loss of virginity story totally overshadowed the ad itself, but what is it with the guy in the ad only wanting women who are completely shaved? Is that a normal guy kink? It sounds almost... pedophilic. Or is it one of those porn movie things?

Anonymous said...

Love the blog. Lost my virginity at 19 in the army barracks where he lived, and he ended up giving me HPV. He then proceeded to sleep with about half of my sorority.

A guy I dated in college was a two-pump chump. I wonder now why I dated him so long. Most unsatisfying sexual relationship ever.

Mack Truck said...

Anonymous@1:44,

I took BC for years, but it didn't have any affect on my sex drive one way or the other that I could tell. I suppose by regulating estrogen, someone's desire could be nonexistent.

I was always so oversexed, that it might have been a relief if my drive HAD dropped! Even now, in the throes of mentalpause, my drive hasn't dropped much at all.

I've often wondered if I hadn't been such a slutpuppy, if my life would have turned out differently.

As far as the shaving thing? Probably porn related. Most of those women are shaved smooth.

Men are also convinced that we want them to spooge all over us, and LOVE to take it in the rear door, all thanks to porn.

fromhel said...

Mack Truck; Birth Control is used
1. to prevent pregnancy
and
2. to lessen menstrual cramps.

It's usually self prescribed for this very reason. So, she very likely decided having a natural period that hurt like a bitch was just the price she had to pay to have awesome sex with her girlfriend.

I could be wrong. That's just the way it played out as I was reading.

Also, Anon 9:00 and Anon 11:26. You guys rule. I had to go clean my keyboard at the phrase "I was as tight as the grip of an alarmed octopus". Also, I think there should be a little Sex-ed for boys where'in Rule #1 is "Never ever say 'cervix' in the midst of doing something that you mean to be arousing."

fromhel said...

EDIT: Lol, sorry Mack. Someone else already said basically what I did. I need to learn to refresh before I comment.

And I have to agree with the porn comments. XD

All girls love the same stuff the girls in porn do, right? *gag*

Cut-N-Jump said...

Weasel, I can forgive the leg licking since having seen more bullshit stuff on Showtime after about 9pm. I still haven't figured out how what they call porn is supposed to be a turn on for anyone.

Girl on girl- the one woman was kissing and licking the other womans butt cheek. That's supposed to do What(?) for me? Or anyone? The licked was leaning up against a tree as if the bark had some majikal trance over her. WTF?

They guys were half there part of the time, hidden by a well placed leg. Oh, Baby! Give me more limp dick to go with a side of pathetic moaning. Sounded like someone had punched him in the groin. HARD! Unlike his dick was. Maybe that's why...


The stories are seriously funny and I am LMAO reading some of them.


Lame sex can happen at any time though, not just the first time. We are all still trying to hit our stride and find out what we like and don't.

A little bit rough, or not so rough- let go of my hair you son-of-a-bitch!

Speak up, make some noise? Or keep your mouth shut and don't even groan.

Front door, back door, games, fantasies, toys, fetishes...

It takes some time to figure it all out. You may not like it the first time or any time, or maybe not just with that partner.

Who Said That? said...

Poor Steve. I think his Hurricane just turned into a gentle summer mist.

SweetPea said...

I've heard that after 2 years without sex you become a virgin again *shudder*

Hopefully being single this time around won't be like that again LOL

36 & Single

Who Said That? said...

SweetPea- that would be a born again virgin...

I have heard it takes 7 years to regain that status

Of course your results may vary.

Anonymous said...

My first time took three or four tries over the course of a week. Why, yes, we were both virgins, why do you ask? ;) I think it would have been like 800% easier if we had used some lube, but as it was I just kept drying up when it hurt and any movement became quickly impossible.

My partner was a total sweetheart about it and very patient, I was pretty lucky in that regard.

Anonymous said...

Nothing makes a girl's legs slam shut more than a guy begging for pussy, any pussy, but not that one. A laundry list of requirements doesn't help, either.

Maybe it's just me but the "Just let me stick it in you for a minute" brought images of Hurricane Steve with a bored woman and a stopwatch, and the touchdown yell when he got to 60 seconds. Mmm... sexy.

Anonymous said...

I've managed to go through two girl-on-girl experiences, two very awkward threesomes, and five years of a long-distance relationship with bondage roleplay before having actual *penetrative* sex with my latest boyfriend.

To the question "when did yo lose your virginity?", my very honest answer is "I'm not sure."

Anonymous said...

I wanted to get rid of my virginity pretty badly. I was very curious and had a pretty high sex drive, so as I passed out of my teens, my virginity was like this millstone around my neck.

BUT... I was shy. So my devirginating didn't happen until the day before my 20th birthday.

He was, quite literally, the first guy who expressed an interest.

T. had no idea he was deflowering me. I was pretty well prepared. By the time we Did It, pretty much everything else that was vaguely penis shaped had been up my hoo-hoo (see "pretty high sex drive" and "curious" above.)

So I didn't bleed, it didn't hurt, but dammit, I was all "Is that all?! I guess I had some pretty high expectations and came away disappointed. A dinner candle gave me more satisfaction than T.

I had a much better time devirginating a guy in college about 16 months later. By that time, I had added several partners to my list and S. and I spent a lot of time in bed, completely enjoying each other. And then falling asleep utterly spent. It was like the best sleepover EVER.

Years later My Virgin Lover contacted me via Facebook to tell me that I still topped his lifetime list of partners.

Yes, he was looking for another go. And I totally would have, too, except I realized that I was risking my #1 spot on his list.

So it was with a tinge of regret that this record holder declined a rematch.

Anonymous said...

I lost my virginity at 15, the legal age in Denmark, and it was quite nice. Except for the the pain which felt like someone tried to squeeze a watermelon on fire inside of me. Aaaw. 12 years later, sadly it still hurts in the beginning of sex. My gyno always uses the smallest 'tools' on my teeny tiny pussy. Needless to say, I am not a size queen...

Anonymous said...

Aaah, I see loser steve is in the "no fat chicks" club. I hope he never gets laid.

Rhae said...

Ok, here goes!

When I was 17 I would hang out with my friend in her garage at night. She had a fuck buddy who was older that would also sometimes be there. He was a virgin before he came to her, so he was very inexperienced. Despite this, when my friend generously offered to loan him to me one night, I agreed because I wanted to get rid of this pesky virginity.

But first, she broke him.

She got drunk, dragged him on the concrete floor, and tried to make him fuck her. He skinned his knees and they were bleeding pretty badly, so when my "turn" came, he couldn't hold himself above me on the couch. I didn't want to get on top because I didn't know what the hell I was doing, so after a few minutes we gave up. His knees were stuck to the couch with his own blood...

Yeah... haven't had sex since (I'm 22 now). :(

Anonymous said...

I lost mine at the ripe old age of 21. I hadn't been waiting for anything, I'd just never actually had a boyfriend before. Kind of depressing how few guys showed any interest...
Anyhow, he was the sweetest guy ever, but it was not exactly a great experience. When he gave me oral it was actually uncomfortable bordering on painful, so by the time we got around to actual sex, I was not so turned on. He was very gentle and we used lube, thank God, but my hymen breaking felt like something tearing horribly inside me. Ugh. He pulled out almost as soon as he got it in; whether it was because he lost his erection (had been having trouble with that), had come, or just did not want to continue, I do not know.
All in all, it was pretty terrible, but at least it's done with. I haven't had sex since then and I'm hoping the next time will feel a little better.

Anonymous said...

Weasel, that was a great post.

Lets see, I was 15 when I lost my virginity (that always sounds like you left it somewhere..."Hmm, where did my virginity go? I had a just a little while ago. Maybe I left it. To which he replied "Ummm, the condom broke."

I still see him every other weekend, when he pickes up our son.

Anonymous said...

Let me fix that post...dont know what I did wrong...

Weasel, that was a great post.

Lets see, I was 15 when I lost my virginity (that always sounds like you left it somewhere..."Hmm, where did my virginity go? I had a just a little while ago. Maybe I left it on the bus.")

I remember thinking "THAT is what all the fuss is about?!" I was so unimpressed that I said "I dont think we need to do that again any time soon."

To which he replied "Ummm, the condom broke."

I still see him every other weekend, when he pickes up our son

Artemis said...

Well, I'm 26 and still an anything but the penetration girl. So there, I win the late bloomer contest.

The thing they don't tell you about going on SSRIs to combat that pesky anxiety disorder is that said medication may entail a side effect not dissimilar to that of Hurricane Steve: Vaginal dryness and decreased sexual desire. However, when the alternative reality is bouts of mild to severe depression, you'll grin and bear it.

On a happier note: I'm in a loving relationship, going on six years. The various rough patches seems to have brough us closer together rather than farther apart.

Anonymous said...

LOL, Weasel you slay me every time!

Anywho, I'm a 17 y/o virgin girl who is thinking (just maybe) of losing it. Maybe. If so, it would only be to my girl before I turn 18 (she's younger) or to an older 20 something when I hit legality.

In the mean time, I'm keeping my sacred temple well kept and prepared for docking.

Saltwaterlassie said...

Let's see.
When I was 16 I was a Counselor-In-Training for a NOLS-type camp in CT. My first time was with a fellow counselor, doggie style, in the woods, praying not to get caught. It was actually quite good, and my

Everyone found out. No one but the director gave a damn. He made me give an apologetic speech to the whole fucking camp. Since then, I have sex nightly with a good friend of mine here in Daytona Beach.

Anonymous said...

Female here, I lost? my virginity at 18 to my then bf, a scrawny, lanky kid.
The first attempt was awful. He thoughtfully got condoms, nonlubricated condoms and no lube. And I, a petite young female who was quite nervous, knew that it was not going to happen easily. Sadly we were drunk and before we could get to it, he, er, had a premature problem. I gave up unhappily.
The night it finally happened, I guess, was 2 nights before we ended up breaking up. We had tried unsuccessfully for months, for some reason he just couldn't force it in the place it needed to go. This night, I was on the top and we were making out and he was attempting once again to get his buddy in the tunnel. Suddenly he was very excited, "it's in!" he said happily and we lay on his bed. "Really?" I asked, as I felt nothing whatsoever. "Yeah," he said as it apparently fell out again.
The relationship ended for other reasons, but my next encounter, with the next boy, was a lot of "ow"s and "sorry"s as he was actually big enough to feel.

Anonymous said...

Yes weas

I have fallen in love with you

xxx

Anonymous said...

I'm 17 now, and I gave my virginity to the love of my life when I was 16. It was like in a fairy tale with fireworks and flowers and rainbows, even though it was in my basement. We're still going strong after almost 2 years!

MsB said...

OMG, Weasel, I love you. Since I found this blog, I have laughed till I cried more than I'd like to admit. And, mostly from your HYSTERICAL commentary about these pathetic douchebags...because, without your commentary, they are just douchebags that I would never get to laugh at...so, thank you for your humor. You need to take this gig ON THE ROAD. I'd be the first in line to buy a ticket! :) Love and recommend ya! MsB

Anonymous said...

I really don't understand why it's so hard for some people. We have an inny and they have an outy. Put them together...

Anonymous said...

My first sextual experience (involving anything below the waist) was a halfhearted attemt to give my then boyfriend a handjob. It happened, but I was so grossed out by the way his "trouser snake" looked that I wasn't really in the mood for anything else after. Penises sure are gross looking. XP

emrlddragon said...

"Hurricane?" Makes me think of the comdian Jeff Dunham's routine.

Jeff: My wife calls me the hurricane.

Walter: Hurricane? Yeah, exciting at first, followed by the terror and destruction. At least she doesn't called you FEMA.

Jeff: FEMA?

Walter: Slow to responed and not a lot of satisfying results.

Anonymous said...

I was 16, and my boyfriend was my pastor's son. Honestly, I hit maturity early and had a boyfriend because I wanted to have sex. But I got lucky. He was really nice and very happy to explore things with me. One day we decided things were moving a bit too fast, and we should slow down and enjoy the stops along the way. And then we went for a walk on the beach. It was February and very cold. We wound up having sex on the beach. It hurt a little, but not too much and I actually had an orgasm. Years later, we met up at his sister's wedding, both engaged to other people (nothing happened) and agreed that we were both super glad we were each other's firsts. I couldn't have asked for better.

celebra said...

Just because there's so many others, I gotta share mine. I was 20. I waited all this time to date anyone, period, and I sure picked a winner (not). I'm kind of asexual, he was/is still a horndog. It was either Easter or spring break of that year, I wound up staying with his folks for a couple nights. One of those nights was, of course, the fated night. It was my suggestion, because, honestly, I have a bit of a penis phobia. We'd done some freaky things including him shoving his dick in my mouth, and I just really, really didn't like that. But I wanted him to be happy/pleased, so I suggested sex instead. It was really anticlimatic, such that I hardly remember it, and I imagine he doesn't, either... I've learned he kind of specializes in cherry popping; it's almost amusing to think about him now and know someday I'll find someone worth having sex with and be willing to do stuff with.

Caryl said...

I was nearly 22... And it was fabulous. *shrug* Yes you may hate me.

My second bf on the other hand... Had a serious case of nerves like Weasel had. Only mine never got over it and ended up tucking tail (dick) and running after only two weeks and only one session that was truly fun for me. >.> I did what I could to reassure him. I still wonder if he's had good sex yet, but I don't care all that much seeing as I have a new guy to play with. ^^

Caryl said...

Okay okay, after reading all the stories, I guess I'll spill mine XD. I was 21, had a guy I'd sorta made out with hounding my every step even though he had a gf... So I was desperate. That could have ended badly. But I got lucky and ended up with C. He was turning 31 and I was turning 22.

We talked on the phone a lot after being pushed together by a mutual friend. Then we met. Then we made out very hot and heavy on our friend's couch. The friend, unbeknownst to us... watched. >.> And I'm a screamer. XD

Then we went back to his place. I knew what was coming and he knew what was coming, but he wanted to think that I had taken my own virginity XD. Silly man.

It hurt a little at first, but it was almost a good hurt. And we found out that I was a multiple orgasmic girl. Woohoo. After that we proceeded to have lots and lots of sex. Including a day long marathon that had a record of 23 times in 18 hours.

And then he went on a bipolar low a couple of months later. >.> And the fun ended, rather horribly. Wish I'd known he was on a high in the first place. But, what's done is done.

And I've moved on and have another ^^

Eccentric_Lady said...

I was 21 when I first had sex - and it was on my honeymoon. I know, rather late bloomer and old fashioned, but hey, I'm still with the man for 11+ years!

NeoLink1987 said...

Well like most guys that didn't get any in high school I waited till I turned 21 in Vegas. Got a hooker. Honestly her looks were between a 6 and an 8. But believe this she charged me $700. The worst part is I couldn't cum after half an hour. Whether it was the shitty condom or me either way I walked away with less money, but the status of man and my first vegas story. I should of just waited a few more months. I finally got a girlfriend who had sex with me for free for an entire semester of college. Life is cruel and full of surprises. I really miss that Chinese girl the sex was just a bonus.

Anonymous said...

WWHM Weasel, I am totally in love with you right now :)

Corrina said...

-Your blog is so fabulous for Kegal exercises... Every ad I read makes my vaj slam shut like a steel trap.

- I too, felt bad for the teenage Weasel. I'm pretty sure most people's first times were ridiculous, though. I was fortuate that "my first" was hung like a dwarf house fly. It was boring, but at least it wasn't painful.

Anonymous said...

lol this blog is great!

Yeah, so back in grade 8 my (female) friends and I were about to be split up into different high schools. Having heard of the pressure THE BOYS would place on us to have THE SEX, we made a pact with each other to stay virgins until we were 18. I believe there were some exceptions to the rule, like if Orlando Bloom showed up, but basically, it was a fallback measure for when you lacked the confidence to firmly state "No". After all, best friend pacts are sacred.

I used the story many times over the years, because frankly, the guys in high school were idiots. I had a horrible experience when a boyfriend fingered me during my first drinking experience, and I am thankful it never progressed to anything worse. After that harrowing experience, (and breaking up with the loser), I didnt date boys for a good year and a half.

By this time (17), I had grown out of my gangly, awkward bookworm years, I was now, a hot bookworm. More so for the fact that I was damn near untouchable. I met a guy in the year below who had the same spare period as me, and we would just hang out and chill and talk. (I had a crush on his friend too). Eventually I told him about the experience and we got into a series of deep conversations about sex being "not such a bad thing" and that most guys would give a much different experience. This bolstered my confidence so that I ended up dating a really nice guy (tall, broad shoulders, long blonde hair, played on rugby team and occasionally wore kilts...basically looked like he had stepped out of one of my trashy scottish romance novels). We had fun making out, but since we were both virgins we didnt really know how to proceed. No real spark to get us going. My 18th birthday came...and I realized I didnt want to sleep with ANY of these guys.

From then on, I took matters into my own hands. I broke up with my boyfriend (being in a longterm relationship was just not my thing at the time), and explored what I liked for a bit, which was mostly making out with various guys. The first blowjob I ever gave was to a guy who almost made me orgasm just by playing with my breasts. The first guy who gave me oral was literally begging me to allow him to do it.

Many wouldn't believe me when I told them I was still a virgin aT 19yrs old. I was a very sensual person. Then I met J. :)

23yr old quebecois massage therapist? Ohhhh yeah. Darkly handsome, intensely sexual, and always respected my boundaries. I still giggle at the memory that my first lover's reaction was pure shock. He too, was intimidated by the whole virgin thing and the pressure of giving me a good first time. Luckily, by that point, I knew enough about my body to know what felt best.

23hr massage later, he went home. It was great. I didnt come from the sex until much later, but it always felt amazing. I remember it feeling a bit weird at first but not painful really. Just tight.

All in all, well worth the wait. I turned 20 about a month and a half later, and the Frenchie and I dated casually all summer

From then on I decided to do things on my own terms.

Anonymous said...

Fat girls had it worse. I would have fucked, blown, and agreed to be sodomoized by anyone who gave me a second glance for all 4 years of high school. Male OR female. Sadly, it took till I was 20 and in college with an older LT boyfriend to get it done. It was actually good- exactly what I expected. After all that waiting I even married the guy. Didn't work out, but he was a good first fuck.
High school guys take note: the fat chicks are horny too!

Tamra said...

True Story here...
Not about losing virginity, unless its the oral kind (is there such a thing?)
Anyway.... My sister and her boyfried take me and my Boyfriend to Drive-in theater. Sister and her BF leave for consession stand.
My and BF in the back. Me going down on him (first time) Him cumming in my face/eyes. Me blind.
Sis comes back. Hands BF a wine cooler that he procedes to use to 'clean' my face. Which promply gets into my eyes.
Yeah... alcohol in the eyes. Sweet.

Anonymous said...

Like Anonymous, my experiences have been so varied that I can't properly say when I would have lost my virginity. Sex and not-sex are not two discrete states; they're a continuum. For the many people who prefer sex other than penis-in-vagina, our peen-fixated culture's notion of "virginity" is entirely arbitrary. (Obligatory Greta Christina link!)

That said, I have a hilarious story about one first time. I know my roommates read these comments, though, and they don't want to hear this shit, so I'll ROT13 it. (Go here to decode.)

Fb zl gura-tveysevraq, ure gura-shpxohqql (qhqr) naq zr (ynql) ner fgnlvat jvgu na byq sevraq bs uref va Xenxbj, Cbynaq. Ur gnxrf hf bhg pyhoovat va Xnmvzvrem, juvpu vf terng, rkprcg uvf tveysevraq'f cflpubgvp rk fubjf hc naq greevsvrf gur fuvg bhg bs ure. Ur'f tbggra bhe ubfg'f pryy ahzore naq fgnegf pnyyvat uvz vaprffnagyl, znxvat guerngf.

Jr nyy tb onpx gb ubfg'f ncnegzrag naq tb gb fyrrc naq gel gb sbetrg vg. TS naq SO naq V ner nyy va bar orq, naq gur arkg zbeavat jr'er vqyl sbbyvat nebhaq. Abeznyyl V'z abg vagb SO ng nyy, ohg ur trgf zr erynkrq rabhtu gung V nfx TS gb svatre zr—fbzrguvat juvpu unf urergbsber orra fb cnvashy nf gb or vzcbffvoyr. Naq...sbe gur svefg gvzr rire...vg jbexf! Hahfrq gb crargengvir frk, V npghnyyl fnl "Vf vg va lrg?" naq oyrff ure urneg, fur ynhtuf vg bss naq xrrcf tbvat! Vg'f irel fjrrg naq gurer vf phqqyvat yngre.

Zrnajuvyr, bhe ubfg vf fubjrevat naq urnef hetrag xabpxvat ba gur qbbe. Bu ab, vg'f gur penml rk! Ur qbrfa'g xabj jung ryfr gb qb fb ur whzcf bhg, pbirerq va fbnc, qerffrq bayl va n gbjry, gryyf uvf TS gb gnxr pbire naq bcraf gur qbbe. Vvvvvg'f...gur erny rfgngr ntrag, qbvat n fubjvat gung rirelbar unq pbzcyrgryl sbetbggra nobhg! Gur cebfcrpgvir bjaref—n lbhat pbhcyr naq gurve xvq—crrx vagb gur fznyy orqebbz naq frr n anxrq pbjrevat Cbyvfu tvey; bcra gur qbbe gb gur ovt orqebbz naq frr gjb tveyf naq bar thl anxrq va bar orq; naq pbire gur xvq'f rlrf nf gurl znxr genpxf.

"Bu, wrfhf," fnlf bhe ubfg, "gurl zhfg guvax V'z ehaavat fbzr xvaq bs oebgury!" Jr ynhtu nobhg vg sbe jrrxf.

CF) Gung pbhcyr raqrq hc ohlvat gur ncnegzrag.
CCF) Bhe ubfg naq uvf tveysevraq unir whfg tbggra ratntrq.

Anonymous said...

my hubby, TheEngineer, was 30 before he lost his virginity. i was considerably underage when i lost mine (in a non-consentual manner). we knew each other about 10 years before we got married this last december. and its all good.

i dont think it matters much *when* you lose it, as long as you figure out what you're doing and learn to please your partner.

that said, some of the stories shared were absolutely hysterical!

Anonymous said...

Reading about people who lost their virginity in high school has always made me jealous. Even if the actual experiences were terrible.

I was also one of those fat, shy girls (not much has changed, actually, despuite years of trying on both issues)and couldn't get anyone to so much as look at me until college. I never had an actual boyfriend until I was 23.

I was 22 when I finally got a taste of the sex I'd been dreaming about for so many years. A. was a guy I'd known for a while, we had friends in common, but weren't really close. We were both, however, very lonely and very horny.

We hooked up for the first time at a party after hours of drunken flirting. He pulled me into the bathroom and next thing I know we're trying - and failing- to have sex standing up. We settle for taking our first tries at oral sex, and plan to meet up again later, some place with a bed.

To my complete embrassment, it took us three or four meetings before he actually got inside me. I don't know if I was too nervous, or he was too big, or both. Probably both. Luckily, we were able to laugh about it and have a marvelous time with the whole thing.

I'm glad it was him, even if the whole thing was pretty ridiculous. We're still friends, which makes it better.

I do have to say that I'm also jealous of those women who have said they came the first time. After A, I had several people try and fail to bring me to orgasm. It took a year of constant trying before my current bf succeeded, and it still won't happen during sex! FOr someone with my sex drive, that is torture!

þë† said...

"but this particularly impotent storm promises to leave your panties drier than the sun parched asslips of a dehydrated sand snake slithering through a field of Sham-Wows."

I just laugh my ass off! What exceptional writing abilities you have!!!

Ya make me roll and literally laugh out loud at my office. *muahh!

Anonymous said...

Gods I had no idea I was *that* far behind the curve....

I'm female and didn't lose it until 25.... No guy would touch me with a 10 foot pole in high school, and then college and work took over.... Came lose with one boyfriend at the age of 20 but got cold feet, and then didn't get another opportunity until 25... By then, my virginity was an obnoxious shameful companion that I just plain wanted rid of. It's embarassing to be 25 and a virgin. Finally got a boyfriend again...

It was absolutely nervewracking. Seriously I nearly passed out during the foreplay stage. And then go figure, right as he was getting ready for penetration, he went pretty much limp. LOL... but recovered quickly. Minimal discomfort for me, but pretty much I ended up thinking "oh shit... do we really HAVE to cuddle...."... not to mention... "I waited 25 years for THAT?????"

Mack Truck said...

One thing nobody mentions though, is the SMELL. Sex has a particular smell, and it's not all that pleasant when you first encounter it.

The fumbling, pain, general messiness, plus the smell made me wonder why I'd been so darned ready to have sex!

It did get better. Much, much better. You just have to choose the right partner, and get some experience.

It's still messy and smells, though!

Anonymous said...

Weas,

You are my hero !

Well, here’s another cruddy first time story to add to the list.

I started having boyfriends at about the age of 15 and we did the usual teenage things like making out light to medium petting I guess, but horses were so much more fun at this stage and boys rather took a back seat (no pun intended).

At 18 I met ‘the one’. I’d had the most gigantic crush on this boy all through pony club and having him finally notice me and like me back was like having all my Christmases come at once. I was finally, totally and utterly in luuuurve.

Having decided that this was ‘it’, I realised that things would inevitably need to progress to the next level. He was older and more experienced, knew about my status as a holder of the big V and was considerate, but fairly keen to help relieve me of it.

Although I was keen, I wanted this to be for keeps, so wanted to make sure he felt the same way about me before making the ultimate gesture. Besides, if it was worth doing, then it was worth doing right.

Having privately made the decision to proceed, I fairly sensibly went and got myself some birth control pills. I waited a suitable length of time for our relationship to develop (and my shiny new birth control pills to kick in) and just before I could make my momentous announcement, ‘the one’ dumped my naïve butt for an ex girlfriend who was a bit more generous with her favours, leaving my hymen intact and my heart in tatters – rather the opposite of what I’d hoped for !!

So I decided to try and divorce the first time from too much emotional involvement and found an experienced candidate to help me with my quest. We’d been going out and fooling around for a couple of months and I don’t really have any idea of my internal dimensions, but suffice to say anything ‘down there’ was pretty uncomfortable. After spending the day together one day, we ended up taking a shower together and then getting intimate on the loo (I know – how romantic!). He was sat on the loo (with the lid down of course) with me straddling him. I thought he’d been fingering me again (no idea – it just all felt fairly painful), but when I looked down, the bathroom floor was covered in blood.

I think we both had a bit of a fright, but just assumed it was my hymen that had finally gone. I didn’t think much of it and just set about cleaning up the mess. I was a little puzzled as to why he was so attentive afterwards and kept asking whether I was ok, but I just assumed he was worried I might have had a fright at all the blood.

Anyway, a few weeks later we managed the deed in bed – it really hurt and I bled all over again, but I was pretty pleased at finally having the whole ordeal out of the way.

We ended up going out for a few years and ended up reminiscing one day – as you do – about our first time. I said yes, hadn’t we made a mess of the sheets and tried to make a bit of a joke out of it. He went a bit quiet and then said that no, didn’t I remember that day in the bathroom had been the first time? To which I frantically tried to cover and said of course, how silly of me, etc.

Arrgh. So uncomfortable, unromantic and clearly fairly unmemorable (for any of the right reasons anyway !!). But then such is life eh ?

LilaSweetheart said...

Wow I think I may be the only person with a good story. I was 15 and we went camping, having planned the night for weeks. I was completely in love with him and it was the perfect way to do it :)

Fred Taylor said...

You are in top hilarious form here Weez.
I personally don't care for sexually over-aggressive women unless I've been with them a few times.
See what happened the next day you were the aggressor though! You should have put that at the end of your post.
All of your comments make me laugh and that's no easy task.

Anonymous said...

I didn't see a lot of stories like mine...

I waited til I was 22 to lose it... I was a senior in college and had an average amount of experience with girls, but was so scared of STDS and pregnancy and still had residual Catholic guilt laying around, so I just stuck with oral.

In retrospect, although I didn't enjoy the feeling of the guilt or the fear, I'm glad they kept me in check because I didn't have a baby (which some friends did), didn't get STDs, and my relationships were relatively unmessy.

And then when I met the right girl, I was ready. She'd had one other partner and was very helpful and patient.

Here's where my story diverges- I couldn't come to save my life. I think it was years and years of acrobatic masturbation (started when I was 9!) mixed with nerves, but for whatever reason we were there fucking for 45 minutes with no finale (for either of us).

Still felt great. Still a wonderful and memorable experience. And just like our beloved Weasel, the next day I came back and tore it up.

The ensuing few years would go on to destroy the sexual lustre of that relationship, but that first year was incredible. And I will ALWAYS be grateful that she was my first- especially after reading all these stories.

Ella said...

Weasel! I forgot how much I missed you! I love the sister-site too.

robyn said...

My first experience (age 22) was so bad it didn't even count. :(

Calantha said...

Still a virgin at 25. Just haven't met someone worth doing it with. I've been tempted to have casual romps, notably in college since I was out of state, but nothing ever happened.

First sexual feelings - I think the first time I really became aware was when I saw Jason Scott Lee in "The Jungle Book." I think that was also the first time I felt attraction to a man who wasn't white (most of the kids in my school were, and the ones I tended to crush on, however innocently, were as well).

It was like "Hmmmmmm yesssss, he is FINE. Bet he'd feel nice to hold.....naked." To this day, I still get a tingle when I think of him in that frickin' loincloth, and the white shirt and dark trousers.

Anonymous said...

Rising thirty and still holding out for Mr. Right...never a moment's regret (er...aside from letting the most likely candidate for said position get away- but then again, had that worked out I wouldn't have the multiple magnificent examples of horseflesh I have today and value every bit as much.)

Anonymous said...

I love this blog, but reading it only reinforces my comfort in being who I am.

After spending *years* trying to do what was expected of me- dating, short term relationships, casual sex- the only thing I got out of it all was the distinct impression that it should happen to other people and not me.

I attempted casual sex with a friend; I'm not saying he was a slut, but he'd certainly had more rides than the average bike. If he was a she, he'd have been called the town whore. He was tiny, and for someone who'd banged so many of our mutual friends he didn't seemed to have learned much from the experience. He mauled my breasts so much it was actually painful, and I called it off before he could stick his (are they really supposed to be that small?) penis in me.

That's the extent of my sexual experience. Only ever kissed one person at age twenty six, never actually had sex. When I politely turned down the dead-eyed freak that a work colleague decided to set me up with (utterly without consulting me) she went and told my work place, where I was the only person not a raised or practising Christian, that I must be a lesbian. Because, like, any woman who doesn't want children and doesn't automatically scream in terror at the mere thought of spending a night alone must be a raging dyke that just didn't want to admit to it. Obviously.

I've had offers from women and men. I've never seriously considered any of them. Several of the women were downright abusive when I declined. That's a certain type of lesbian for you; if you turn down a man, you're exercising the right of a woman to control her own body. If you turn down them you're a teasing worthless little slut.

I guess what it comes down to is that while I can function very close to normal with my ASD, the one area I absolutely cannot work in is sexual relationships. I'm not comfortable being touched. I've tried, I've got somewhere, I had a fucking awful pair of people take advantage of me and had my allegedly loving family tell me that I utterly deserved it and was just enjoying the drama of it and to walk away and leave them both t rack up more legions of the naieve and vulnerable. And they have the damn nerve to ask me why I don't even try any more.

Sex is awkward, humans are evil pricks and touching them makes my hair stand on end. I like the *idea* of sex, but seriously, mind is willing, flesh creeps right out the door.

I've a tender, loving relationship with my right hand and several small electrical devices. I've never been happier. Leaving the whole messy business of sex and relationships to you NTs is the best decision I've ever made.

Virgin at 27. According to the rules of society, I'm the most pathetic person in existence. But it works for me.

Bonnie said...

I think I know why 'Hurricane' hasn't lost his virginity yet by age 19. Major douche.

I just love how 'sticking it in you for just a minute' =/= sex.

And don't worry Weasel, I'm sure many of us have bad experiences our first time.

I certainly did...not to get too graphic, but the act of intercourse hurt like Hell....the WHOLE time. Nothing like you read in stupid romance novels, where it hurts for a second and then you're on Cloud 9. Try constant pain, like his dick was a burning poker. And no, I was plenty aroused.

Needless to say, I was damned surprised at the time. Oh, and he criticized me for not having an orgasm, either (uh, HELLO, in pain, here!!!!), so that was also very helpful, as you might imagine.

Yeah, wondrous first time. Maybe we should start a support group or something.

Anonymous said...

i beat Artemis and Anonymous - Virgin at 28.
There was just never anyone that i liked enoguh to go that far with (or the ones that i did like enough were in committed relationships)
I wish i had known that once out of college, it would be harder to meet guys.
Ah well.

Anonymous said...

@ Mack Truck Re: The smell of sex

When we finally moved into our house together, my now husband had a box of condoms in his bedstand drawer. We rarely used them as we were both 'committed' partners and he was unable to have kids due to a low/non-existant sperm count.

The condoms had been in the drawer for some time- to read a couple of years and one across town move at least. They were the lubricated kind, but I cannot remember which brand.

I came home one day to the most intriguing, but disturbing odor. It kind of hit you in the face when you opened the door, it was THAT strong.

He had been cleaning out the bedstand and found the box of condoms, and figured he would throw them away. They were old, past their 'use by' date and we weren't using them anyways... As he chucked the box into the trash bin, some of the condoms came out of the box. The packaging apparently doesn't hold up well over time either, as one of them opened up as it fell from the box.

That smell? It was the condom. Stunk up the whole damn house! That happened around 10-11 am and it still hung heavy in the air when I got home that evening around 6-7pm, despite his best efforts to open all the windows and air out the house!

As for the other smells of sex, well, to some people it is and can be quite arousing.

cattypex said...

Some guys are QUITE... musky.

Not my favorite thing.

The BEST scent on my clean nonstinky husband is Aveda Men.

Or Burberry Touch.

MMMMmmm.

Smell is a real turn on/off for me.

Justin Griesel said...

I blacked out from drinking too much whiskey and found out i had lost my virginity the next morning to my gay best friend after i had told him to "ride me". I'm not gay apparently he thought i was, so yeah... therapy.

Liz said...

Basement. No, not couchy-carpeted finished basement with its own bathroom and a pull out bed, his...musty storage basement. I was 15, he was 18. I was so bored, I actually thought about Law&Order throughout half of it. (The entire thing lasted maybe 20 minutes.) He gave up because he got tired.



Three years and very little contact later, we ran into eachother at Cumby's and ended up in a trainwreck of a relationship...But, ironically enough, the sex was great!

Aconite said...

I know I'm late to the party and my post won't even get read. But god Weasel, I so just want to hug you after reading that!

Now off to read the comments. ^_^

I might post something more substantial, but I don't know if anyone would read it...

The Crossroads said...

I know it may be cruel to admit this, but I find it entertaining to read through some of the past experiences folks have had. I'm 19 and still a virgin, and by no means am I ashamed. I've had female friends ask me how far I've gone with my boyfriend of 1 year and 4 months. I tell them it hasn't surpassed the kissing and some feel-ups. He doesn't push it and I'm not interested right now, so I guess I'm fortunate enough he doesn't press the matter. I forewarned him on the way home from Ohio one time that if he was looking for sex, then he needed to move on because I wasn't looking for that and while I expected him to pack up his 'relationship bags' after we got home, he's still with me.

Then again, I still blush at a lot of things folks will tell me they've done. So who knows. Great blog though, I love it!

Anonymous said...

*sighs and smacks hand to face* Ah, on the female end here.... I lost my virginity at 16. Not in a one-on-one. Not in a threesome. No, not even in a foursome.

I, who wish not to be named but will answer to WDS, lost my virginity in a fucking five-way. To males ranging in age from 18-23.
Rofl. I was the mature, laid-back don't-give-a-fuck-about-guys kind, too. I didn't drink, do drugs, smoke, I was a sensible girl.

It was actually mind-blowing... So what made it cringe-worthy, you ask? I will tell -

My mother, cousin and aunt walked in on us.
Perhaps I should mention we were doing it in the den, confident that my mother would be out of the picture for at least 24 hours as she'd said she was staying over at said aunt's somewhere with my siblings for a day or two.

Apparently, she'd been standing there in absolute shock for a good five minutes, too, before I noticed her. Long enough to witness an orgasm from myself, recognize my male best friend and a "bad boy" from around the corner who was notorious for assaults and rumoured to be a murderer, and watch me basically act like a porn star.

There are cons to being adventurous on your first time.

littledog said...

Huh. Funny how statistics say everybody's fucking totally sucessfully by age 13,14,15 (and I guess a lot of teenage pregnancies prove it, though that has very little to do with satisfaction) but all of here are being honest about losing our virginities, or not, at 16, 21, 25, 30, and mostly awkwardly and unsucessfully that first time.
Statistics based on lies??
Me: 16 with my also-virgin 16yo boyfriend-he couldn't believe it when I insisted he put that condom hanging out in his wallet to use-but got on board with the idea pretty quick-no pain or fear on my part, it was all good, but took a few more more weeks of enthusiastic practise until he was able to give me that happy ending.

Aconite said...

Aha! A partner in virginity, The Crossroads! =)

Yup, I haven't got any stories either and I'm almost 24 (will be in 2 days). But I live in a different country and a different culture from you all. Societal and cultural expectations are a wee bit different here.

I don't know if anyone's up for a "compare and contrast" intellectual discussion on the subject right now though so I won't go on like I want to. xD

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 4:29

I couldn't have said it better. I do love reading this blog, but the more I read, the more I'm glad I'm not "in the game".

Still a virgin at 46 (yes, 46)

kahara said...

LOL, Steve must have his hard drive full of fantastic Trojan-ridden porn, which is where he got his "preferences." All puns intended. ;)

My first time we had both just turned seventeen. It was his first, too. Totally cliche, it was prom night and we were in his giant car. It hurt (horseback rider here too) but not that much, and he was actually pretty gentle and attentive. We had been together five months and had already done the whole oral thing so we were very comfortable with one another. We went on to have a typical teenage sex life where we thought we were doing decently but you know...you're just kids and what do you know LOL. It felt okay (great to him) but I eventually found that I had memorized all the guitars on each month of his calendar. I broke up with him around the time college started and we went our separate ways. He also started experimenting with drugs (and lying about it), his personality totally changed, and I didn't want any part of that. He and my best friend ended up getting together later, and the horror stories she told me! He ended up becoming addicted to porn, couldn't keep it hard unless porn was on, and eventually preferred that to her. He also tried to force her to do things she didn't want to (she didn't) and he never ever tried anything like that with me. We both concluded he was gay and confused, for more reasons than just that.

Oh, also...the shaving. Some guys prefer it, some don't. I can't speak for them, but I know personally I shave because I much prefer it that way for MYSELF. It's cleaner, it's easier to clean, it doesn't smell as much when I sweat, it doesn't get caught in my thong, it doesn't go up the hole when inserting a tampon (or penis), and heaven forbid I have to use a pad I don't have that awful sticky matted mess to clean up. It makes sex easier and more enjoyable too (and without the hair rugburn!), and even though my husband and I are separated/done with, and I certainly don't plan to start dating any time soon, I still shave all of it because that is my preference. :)

Tribblehappy said...

While I did lots of things sooner, I didn't actually lose my virginity in the PIV sense until I was 23. Yah, nobody ever even asked me out until I was 21 (I'm the girl guys want to be best friends with, not date) so what was I expecting? Guy was older than me, experienced but not in a man whore kind of way, gentle where he needed to be but not afraid to kick it up a notch once I got the hang of things.

Not a bad experience at all; there was the required pain and some blood but I'm very happy with how it all went down.

Fragrant Liar said...

I was totally engaged with your post throughout the first half, and then when the lawn mower part hit, I was laughing my ass off. I am sitting here on my couch, my family surrounding me, and laughing my ass off (at your misfortune), and they wanna know why... Heh, heh. I just passed the laptop over. You are a riot.

When I was no longer a virgin, I was 18. Yes, a late bloomer, but I wanted it to be the right guy. I have since lost this rationale. Anyway, I was not the guy's first lay, and he came faster than a cheetah chases prey, before he ever got in there. We tried again later. But what a memory. I'm sure he never tells a soul about that. That's just the way he is. I did marry him, but later divorced him. Ah, the memories...

wheelin126 said...

Weasel here is another site that you might find funny. Loved the embarrassing pic of the ex's LOL!!

http://www.free-revenge-ideas.com/

Anonymous said...

21 and still a virgin... and I've been in a relationship for close to three and a half years now. But then we're both of the "abstaining until marriage" camp so that would be the reason why. I'll be about 25 1/2 when we finally get around to it.

Getting a kick out of reading all these stories, though. Particularly Weasel's. ;D

Caden said...

As a girl, it may come as a surprise to many of you that I've always been very in-tune with my sexuality. Hit puberty around 11-12, have always enjoyed masturbating, naughty thoughts pursued my waking hours etc. I know my body quite well, and I expected boys to know it to some extent as well... I was to be disappointed.

Despite my sexual prowress, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 17, at my grad party in the back seat of an extend-a-cab truck at about 4:30am. From that, one can gather that I didn't know the guy very well and was drunk, and that's all right with me, I've never really associated the act of sex with the emotion of love. Although, I would later discover that when the emotion and the act are combined, it is about 500x more fantastic.

Anyways, we were dancing in the bush with everyone else that was wired and awake until sunrise. I had said no to many guys that night in response to the "wanna go back to my tent" question, but I was actually attracted to this guy and he was pretty cute, so to him I said yes. We went back to his truck, and I distinctly remember him saying "Sorry if I run into you, I'm pretty drunk" as he we staggered to his truck. we started out in the front seat, not a bad kisser, then we got to the back, pants came off, nakedness ensued.

Well, he was small (like didn't tear my hymen nor did it hurt kind of small) and he was not very good. There was no foreplay (aside from the dancing and kissing), he basically just shoved 'er in and had at it. Unlike you weasel, he couldn't finish, and I was so bored. Haha, never since have I been that bored in bed, felt that little, or been that unsatisfied. We made the truck rock, people were walking by, and many made comments as I left the truck (he finally just gave up and was kind of mad at me for asking "are you like.. done yet?" I WAS BOREDDD)

I went back to satisfying myself for a long while, given that guys seemed incapable. Now I'm with a man who spoils me in, and out, of bed and I couldn't be happier. But yea, that's my losing virginity story, hope that makes you feel better Weasel :)

Anonymous said...

I was an "everything-but(t)" virgin until I was 19. Yes, thanks to my religious upbringing I was having unprotected anal sex in order to preserve my virginity. Genius. Luckily, I didn't catch anything as I was only doing one guy. Anyway, at 19 I got the idea that he was going thinking of leaving and seeing someone else. We were making out and I suddenly invited him to go for the gold, even though we had mutually committed to waiting until marriage from the start of the relationship. He just shrugged. I put a condom on him and straddled him. He lay quietly and didn't get off. Eventually, I jacked myself off with him inside and dismounted. He got up, dressed and left. Most of the time he refused to get off with me, but kept fucking me after that. Yes, of course he was already having an affair when that happened, and he continued having them until I found out and ended it a few years later. I really should have started sooner and had many more men. It would have been effort better spent than holding out for that lovely, dehumanizing moment.

Demon said...

Brilliant personal find. He must be the village retard, similar to the chap your first shagged.

http://lawdemon.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

Let me just say, I wish I would have waited a hell of a lot longer than I did. I had done my fair share of "heavy petting" by the time I was 14, so at 15 I felt like it was definitely time to take things to the next level.

I convinced a friend (also a technical virgin) to help me in my sex-capade, and we succeeded in ridding ourselves of our pesky V-Cards. There was nothing particularly noteworthy about it.. it didn't hurt too much, it didn't feel good, he wasn't HUGE or TINY.. it just happened.

Now, ten years later, sometimes I think back and wish that I could have posessed the maturity to do things differently. I wish I would have waited another five years.

Diablo said...

I lost my virginity to my boyfriend shortly after I turned 18. I wanted to wait until I was 18 but consciously don't know why. It hurt and didn't feel good. I bled. It continued to hurt a lot for quite a while but then it stopped hurting.

We're now at the point where people ask when we're getting married. I'm only 21 for cripes sake ;) We were 'highschool sweethearts' (GAG) so it's been a while...

Tina said...

great post, i really do feel for 16 y.o. weasel. :(
but i was 17 when i lost mine, i had wanted to wait until marriage so i lost mine with my fiance after 3 years of blue balling him. it was nice, nothing spectacular hurt a lot. nothing too embarrassing :)

Anonymous said...

When I was 17, I was giving my friend (not a boyfriend) a blowjob in his pickup in the back 40 of his parents property. Little did we know his dad had decided to look for us because we were mnay hours late past our curfew. I had just about reached the zenith of getting his cock to blow, when all of the sudden, the driver's side door was yanked open. Well, unfortunately, I stopped sucking and he started blowing from being startled and managed to cum not only on me and the cab of the truck, but his father as well, who was standing in the open door.
I still don't remember the trip home to tell my father what I got caught doing.

Anonymous said...

I was raped at 13 and then sent to live in a group home for 3 months for breaking curfew.

My "first time" story is always a real downer at parties.

Artemis said...

Dear Anon

I hope that you're at a better place in your life now, surrounded by caring and loving people.

Two of my closest friends were raped. Both are incredible women; kind, smart and strong. I didn't know them at the time, but when another girl from our social group suffered a similar fate at the hands of a male friend, I caught a brief glimpse of how soul-crushing these past experiences had been.

Having myself been spared, I can't claim to understand how it feels to be in your shoes, but I wish you well.

Anonymous said...

Wow Artemis, thank you. I think I posted that because of jealousy. Probably shouldn't have said anything and certainly never thought I'd get a positive reply. Thank you for your kind words.

Mil said...

I dumped a loser virgin last night ^^

Woot! Now he can lose his virginity to a hooker XD Cause they only way he will get sex is if he pays for it ^^

Au revoir, Jerk Off Boy!

Sarah Elizabeth said...

Fucking funniest thing I have ever read on BlogSpot.

You have absolutely amazing talent. This should be published.

<333

Anonymous said...

"When I was 17, I was giving my friend (not a boyfriend) a blowjob in his pickup in the back 40 of his parents property..."

THAT is... a priceless story. Wow. I thought that plugging up your gf's parents' septic system with a flushed condome was the absolute nadir, but..... wow.


Anon who was raped... I have absolutely nothing but compassion for you, and admiration that you've soldiered on in life.

Diablo said...

Raped Anon, that wasn't your first time. It was taken from you and shouldn't be your definition of losing your virginity.

Hope you're in a better place now. I can't imagine how horrible that must have been.

Best wishes.

-------------------------------------

I LOVE the blowing all over you, the truck, and his dad story. Hilarious! Fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I didn't mean to derail the conversation.... just felt kind of mean, I guess. I'm always jealous of those who have sweet "first time" stories and posting mine was childish and mean.

I'm 40 now and married to a very good man. He helped me work through the rape but I guess there's always a little something there and may always be.

Diablo said...

That's fine, I don't think anyone will hold it against you :) I'm sure most (if not all) of us can understand.

Anonymous said...

Seventeen years old on a balmy August day. I head over before work to my chum's house, the kind of nineteen year-old golden god that'd been thrown out of high school and could still be yelled at for backsassing his parents, being that he was squatting in a room of their tiny apartment.
I knew what was to happen; I could expect five minutes of sloppy making out followed by the pressure of horrible frightening expectancy on my thigh. The usual teenage dalliances would then ensue, at which point he would attempt to penetrate me through two layers of underwear with a pleading look on his face. At the time, I would have rather given an awkward handjob than admitted sex terrified me, and so it had been for about the past week. I knew things were trouble when he pushed my cheap Target underpants aside.
Not that I wasn't attracted to him, mind you, but the fact was I was bone dry that day. Why I decided to finally succumb, I couldn't tell you, but the immediate effect was one of finding God. Not out of pleasure, more that I spent the next twenty or so minutes begging Him to make it stop. I went through all the stages of grief in the time I lay curled on him, clinging like a frightened fruit bat as he humped away, Jack LaLaine power juicing my insides. Screaming pain does not begin to describe this, and as my illusions of a romantic and ultimately gratifying deflowering began to tatter, tears welled in my eyes. THIS was sex? THIS is what I could look forward to for the rest of my life? I compensated by making some loud, porny moans as I listened to the hearbreaking sucking sound of our sweaty bodies sealing and unsealing.
I cannot tell you when or where he finished, only that in our postcoital heap on that bare mattress, surrounded by piles of belongings literally four feet deep in places, I told him I loved him. I hobbled around work, wincing quietly whenever obligated to sit. God help me.

bhm said...

Anon. 1:15,
OMG, he came on his dad and you had to tell your parents about it. That would turn me off sex for a long time.

bhm said...

Anon 1:57,
Don't apologize as you have hurt the conversation. It's a moving story so people will respond. I hope all is well with you.

Liz said...

All disgustingness and sad virginity stories aside, I still dont understand how someone can get to be 19 years old, going on 20, and have the spelling capabilities of a platypus.

Nic Castle said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I was 16, he was 24. I adored him. He was handsome and smelled like a mix of cologne and whiskey and he tasted like red Tic-Tacs. He was very muscular with Windex blue eyes, the baddest bad-ass in town. We had been secretly dating and making out for a while (behind my mother's back).

I told my mom I was spending the night with a friend, and I was, just not a girlfriend. He lived out of town, so I drove up to spend the night.

He was experienced, I was not. It burned and it hurt and I was confused, but all in all it just seemed right... I wouldn't change a thing.

Anonymous said...

i was 16, he was like 22, we were in paris, im american, he was italian, we couldnt speak each others language so we had to speak broken french to each other. i had seen him a few times earlier in other french towns, and i just decided to have sex with him. oh, i also lied about my age, lol. anyways, i WAS not into it, and he was about as round as a soda can, so halfway through i made him stop. and then i was so flustered over all of it that i couldnt concentrate on what he was saying, and i couldnt remember exactly what his name was. i called him elliot, and i REALLY hope that was what it was, lol. i was very relieved when i didnt see him again. and then the second time i had sex it was with a virgin.

Anonymous said...

I was 16. I'd been with the guy for a couple of months; he was a rebound after my first serious boyfriend left to go sixth form (boarding) a few hundred miles away. There was 'heavy petting' and then (I will never forget this line) "if you still want to when I've put the condom on, we will". For some reason, this did not have the effect it would have now, of making me laugh and cementing the sides of my vagina together, but never mind.

Sex with him was (not just this first time, every time) about him, and frankly boring. To the point where I believed *all* sex was very much 'lie back and think of England'. Thankfully have now been disabused of this opinion, but it could explain why I didn't have a rebound after two years with this guy...

Anonymous said...

SO glad I waited till I was 21.

He was 24 I think, and experienced, and VERY into me.

He was funny looking, too, with an INSANE overbite.

I'd known him for awhile, sort of dated him, then on the "appointed" night (in my mind) we went out and got, like, RILLY DRUNK, and went back to his place, where we went at it like crazed weasels. Yeah, it hurt, but I was so drunk and horny it didn't matter too much, and there was a LOT more blood than I'd expected (thank God I always kept a maxipad in my purse)... but it was pretty cool.

He had to go to work the next morning, so I drifted over to the hippie peace camp (it was the First Gulf War) and listened to the BBC on a shortwave radio, then went back to my dorm for breakfast.

Could've been worse.

Unfortunately he liked me more than I liked him, or maybe I was just not ready for a superserious exclusive relationship.

I highly recommend waiting till you're old enough to discern that a guy really cares about YOU, and hopefully has a few miles on him.

Dang, just like Mom TOLD me, back when we had The Talk.

In fact, my Dad was fiance #5 for her, and finally I figured out that in her day, "fiance" was code for "Marginally OK for a nice girl to sleep with cuz her doctor would give her the Pill."

Anonymous said...

Well, with such a laundry list of accomplishments and experiences, might as well add one more...I was deflowered at 19 while both me and my boyfriend at the time were three sheets to the wind. It hurt like hell, we didn't use a condom (he pulled out and left a puddle right on my vagina's welcome mat, so I was extremely lucky), and oh yeah, I was just finishing up my period.

Both times I did it with him, I never orgasmed, and since I haven't had anything since then (I'm 24 now) I really don't mind missing out. Plus I'm somewhat asexual, and while sex doesn't gross me out, there are lots of other fun things to do that don't require penetration.

Anonymous said...

15, in his bedroom with his best friend at the bottom of the stairs. It ended not when he came, but when Friend yelled up the stairs "Oh shit, your mom's home!"

Anonymous said...

Ok, I'll admit to being a nympho. I was 13, they were 15, 16 and 16. It was in the hayloft of a barn, at night. I was spending the night at a friends house, and they were her cute older brother and his friends.

I broke my toe walking to the mattress (white trash class) the pain in my toe gated the pain on entry for #1 (he lasted almost a min); #2 was deeply satisfying, and #3 lost his erection, so he does not really count.

Now, many many years later, #2 still has a crush on me (he sends e-mail after e-mail, and you tube songs wooing me), # 1 has disappeared into points unknown, and #3 is living with his "Best Friend", Tom. No surprises there.

And me, the 13 year old nympho - well, I had a dry spell until I was in college. Then went from relationship to relationship. No more 3.5 somes for me. (yet)

And now, years later, I work at a major metropolitan university, where my students look at me and think that I am a boring middle aged married woman. When the truth is, when my glasses come off and my hair comes down, that 13 year old nympho bubbles to the surface.

Oh, and when I tell the edited version of that story, I lost my virginity (name #2 in the story) in the hayloft at age 16. Now the internet knows the truth.

Anonymous said...

I lost it at 16.
Got insanely drunk and accidentally fucked an almost but not really cute friend of mine.
Pretty sure he took advantage of the situation. Wish it wouldn't have happened.

Anonymous said...

As horrible as your story sounds, I can't help but feel like, "Yeah, but you were sixteen, so I think absolutely no less of you." I had sex with a man - a thirty-six year old man - last year that went EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. I had flashbacks while I read your story. So... honestly, I respect that you at least managed to get that event out of your life before you were a legal adult. Or middle-aged. I mean... thirty-six! And I was being a lot nicer than Heather was.

Anonymous said...

I had begun the night a boy in his car, and ended the night a man. Though, in retrospect, I had never imagined becoming a man involved sitting alone in the back of my Volkswagen Rabbit holding my sad, flaccid penis in my hand whilst I hastily mopped up the rapidly crystallizing stalactites of cold, misfired spermitizoa from the roof of my car.

That's the funniest thing I've seen all week.

a beautiful disaster said...

i second the no highschool boys rule

i was 16, he was 21, a lovely british boy when he came to my school my sophomore for a semester abroad after he graduated. we were friends first, and had some lovely hookups while he was here, but didn't decide to call it a relationship until he moved back home. we only saw eachother once after that, at a super 8 motel where he was staying to visit...while it wasn't fantastic i have absolutely no regrets. my last relationship was another story entirely though (yes, in a good way) - i am 18, he is 24

i think we just mature faster :)

Anonymous said...

hah, reminds me of the first time I slept with my future husband. He even had the balls to say "sorry hon, how about a raincheck on that...".

I hate to say it but I slept with him again (or actually, for the first time) because I saw it as a personal failure and I had to make it up to myself.

Kelly said...

Heh...I lost mine in a church, during a revival with a guy I knew for two hours...

I've always been one for the story, and I should've known what my future sexings would hold from me just from this experience.

E E K said...

I'm at work and I was silently cringing and gasping in horror as I read your story. Bravo to you for telling us about your first time, Weasel! I've been in Heather's shoes too many times to count with my last boyfriend... I can forgive it once, but not multiple times.

Anonymous said...

I lost it at 18 to a cute but fat 16yo slut. It was great though, some of the best sex I ever had. We were only together for a couple weeks. She ended up rooting a couple of my mates. One of them caught herpes from her. Then she moved on to junkies and I lost track of her. She died a few years ago in her late 20's :(.

Anonymous said...

I met a girl on the internet last year. She already had a partner of several years but said that she was falling in love with me. I believed her. We talked, IMed, emailed constantly for six months. I finally agreed to meet her. We spent a weekend together and I did things to her that I will always remember. She said that I was the most amazing lover she'd ever had. She never got me off.

We went to our respective homes and I begged her to leave her partner. She would only say sadly that she wanted both of us. A few weeks later, she called me to tell me that she'd broken up with her partner - for someone else. I cried for weeks; and then got a raging vaginal infection.

I regret becoming involved with her every day of my life. The next one's gotta be better, right? God, please tell me yes.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing Weasel!

so i thought i'd insert my own female version of loosing my virginity...which is pretty lame too.

It was shortly after I turned 22 (rather late in my circle of friends) to a 23 year old guy who was also a virgin. Naturally neither one of us really knew what we were doing. To start, my first attempt at a hand/blow job lasted about 2 hours - and it wasn't until I thought to take off my rings that he actually came, lol!

And the sex part wasn't that great either, and pretty much consisted of "no that's not my vagina...no not it either...no...no...OWCH...FUCK..YEAH THAT'S IT...OWWWWWHHHH!!!!" Then we had the "brilliant" idea of using LOTS of spermicide lubricant...which didn't help much either...

....needless to say, I was in so much pain after that I could barely walk - and, to top it all off, I also got my very fist yeast infection too. :(

Tamrah said...

To be honest I did just fine for my first sexual encounter. I even was with the guy for about 2 years. HOWEVER the first time I masturbated was a disaster. I had never actually gotten a sex talk, and I grew up in an insanely christian home. However one night my parents had left the house and my gramma had stepped out to do something, and I found myself in my parents bedroom with the tv, with cinemax late night playing. I saw a short section of video with a blond chick happily making use of a rather oversized dildo and decided it looked like fun.

The problem was, my ten year old self didn't have access to anything like that in her room, and I didn't even consider that someone else in the house might. So I surveyed my room looking for a good substitute and decided my drumstick from band would have to do.

Mind you I didn't know a thing about hymens. I also hadn't seen the first part of the video, where all the prep work takes place, all I saw was her jamming it into her like she was drilling for oil.

So. Eagerly I mimicked the woman and shoved the drumstick in deep...

yelped in agony, recoiled, and retracted the drumstick.

The second thing I realized after how mind numbing the pain was, was that there was blood.

I was too embarrassed to call my gramma, or my parents (who weren't even home yet I don't think) and resigned myself to the panicked thought that I'd just...broken myself in horrible horrible ways.

I didn't touch myself for another -year-.

And Fuck being anonymous! If Weasel can post it straight out so can I!

Anonymous said...

Did anyone else notice this combo?
"because i had blowjobs before two times/"

and

"I dont have no experiense with girls"

Assuming he didn't intend for that to be a double-negative, I think he might have said more than he realized.

FWIW, I didn't lose my virginity (by which I mean I had intercourse) until I was 20, because I'd promised myself that I'd be in a committed relationship, that I be in love, and that the girl NOT be a virgin. Well, she was, but the other two promises held.

Anonymous said...

I was pretty chubby in HS, and I have to say, I had maaaaad sex with quite a few HS guys. And 3 of them were actually LTRs for me (okay, so it was for like 8 months which in HS is like 8 years).

I lost my virginity at 16 to an older man who I was absolutely positively sure I was in love with. I didn't want to tell him I was a virgin because I was afraid he would get mad (??), so we did it the first time and as I reacall I was a little disappointed. I told him after that he had just deflowered me and he refused to believe me. He simply stated "No, you weren't). There actually was some physical evidence of the fabled hymen-that-was. I proceeded to show him a blood stain on my sheet (It was a Hello Kitty Sheet. hahaha). He thought it was because his whole 5 inches was so overpoweringly large it ripped. I just remember the incident ending with him saying to me "Damn, you must watch a lot of porn because you didn't screw like a virgin". OKay, fantastic. But I guess he opened the floodgates because after that I went seeking better and better experiences until I met my fiance at 26. So far so good, I think I found the best. Yay!

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KittyCat said...

First off. 17 years old right now. Almost 18. And female. Im a tall blonde girl with fairly big breasts which I have only in the past maybe year realized I can use to my advantage in a number of situations.
I lost it to my boyfriend (18, I was 16) at the time 2 days after the end of my junior year. It wasn't mindblowing but wasn't bad. I think the whole liking him alot part really helped.. Haha.
But the SECOND guy I had sex with. Well shit. One night we were texting (hes 20, i was 17 now. This was a few months ago) and he wanted me to come over. Went over, he had been drinking, couldnt keep it up. Basically we tried everything for him to keep it up and this isnt some virgin guy. I knew hed been with a bunccch of girls before. I finally fall asleep. Wake up the next morning and finally with no alcohol in his system he was fine.
And third guy was a night of incredibly drunken sex that started on a counter moved to the kitchen floor then to the couch then the bed. He was 22. I seem to increase my guys ages in increments of 2s.
But there you have them. And the 4th guy was almost a guy I was basically a booty call for for a few months. He was 24 and I still find him smoking hot.
Good thing Im heading to an all girls school next year eh?

Kurt said...

I was 17 and S was 22 and experienced. We worked together and up until that time I had been pretty unsuccessful with the girls in my high school. I started flirting heavily with S over the next few weeks and at some point invited her over to my parents house for what we both knew was sex. I told her flat out that I was a virgin and inexperienced with the female form but that I wanted her to make me a "man". To my amazement S called up one day and asked if anyone was home. "No one but virgin me all day!!!". S said she'd be over in an hour so I jumped in the shower and scrubbed every crevice. S showed up and before I knew it we were rolling around in bed in our birthday suits. I made a virgin, I don't know what I'm doing attempt at oral on her and then climbed aboard for a five minute virgin ride. We were fuck buddies for 2 years after that and had sex pretty much every damn day...it was an oral, vaginal and anal 3 ring circus. S trained me over time how to be a good lover and was very patient with me when I wanted to try new things with her. I don't think I could have asked for a better first time experience. I look back on that experience and time with fondness and I still, to this day, thank S for making me a "man".

thestove96 said...

Weasel,

You are an absolute laugh-riot. One of the best pieces of writing I’ve enjoyed in a long, long time. Many of your responders are also hilarious.

Hurricane is much like the guy who overprices his used car on the internet and then blames the web for not reaching anybody because no one called to take advanrage of his offer.

As for the famous “first time”, it just goes to show how much experiences vary. I am amazed at the comments about guys who lost their erection due to anxiety. I think I was hard from age 9 to 19 without a break, and no amount of internal strife even caused a dip.

On the other hand, those of you who proceeded to pound these girls like old pros while in your teens is beyond me. Heck, I was a small town boy who’d never seen a porno. I didn’t even know girls were supposed to cum.

At age 15, I lucked into a sister of a buddy who let me go at it time after time without a clue that it wasn’t as good for her as it was for me. Eventually she broke my heart, but looking back, I’m sure the first guy who gave her an orgasm made her forget my name, number and general likeness immediately.

As a skinny, pimply faced, foreign-born geek in a region of the country populated by jocks and rednecks, I was of no specific use to the female community for years after that until I appealed (for some reason) again to a woman that let me go to bed with her. I was only a little better educated (sexually) by then, but I think by that time I at least knew they were supposed to cum too. The planets aligned, I had non-stop erections, and she was multi-orgasmic, so we had a fine time for years on end.

As a sad end note to this tail-tale, I have come to realize that now, 30 years after losing my virginity, I know more about women and the vagina than ever before thanks to my endless fascination with sex (no, not porn) and the internet, but have very little opportunity to apply my knowledge.

I realize this is the end of a long line and few will read, but thanks!

Anonymous said...

Your blog post was absolutely hilarious, but I also felt slightly bad for you, too. That's pretty humiliating.

I'm still a holder of the V-card, but it's mostly because the guys I was with didn't want to get that far with me or he was a total weirdo. Plus I was a late bloomer, only having my first kiss at 17.

First guy was the one who fingered me. But after the second "date", he told me he loved me. I shut that down quickly. I was 18.

A few months later, I get with my first boyfriend who is now my ex. I give my first blowjob to him (but no sex. he was a virgin at 22, go figure), but he didn't warn me, so I ended up throwing up on him. He then broke up with me the next day.

Next guy I'm with, I'm 19 and he's 18. We got along great and I wanted to finally have sex, but he told me he wanted to be in a relationship before having sex. But he had to go back to New York a week later and wasn't allowed to come back to school.

The most recent guy is 18, while I'm 20. He's not a virgin, but he had a really bad first time and it permanently hurt his ego. He wouldn't even consider having sex with the hottest girl he's been with (aka me). But he had no problem being a total douche and releasing in my mouth without warning me. Then I proceeded to throw up on him and walked out.

So yeah, I get the guys with weird sexual hang-ups or they're weirdos or douchecanoes. But hopefully I'll find a guy who has no problems with taking my virginity.

El-Mango said...

I lost my virginity when I was 17 Steve. Honestly, young guns aren't that good at all. Meaning, they suck. Get over yourself Steve, you made my vagina cry laughing at your over condidence

Elizabeth said...

The last thing you probably want is another comment on this post, but I'm going to leave one anyway.

Either you are gay, or you had some serious personal issues. If it's the latter, I hope you've worked them out by now. I have never experienced a man under 30 having a problem with an erection unless he had psychological issues.

I think you are a really good creative writer though.

G.H. said...

Love it.


http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

This is just a pre-virginity loss story, but it's kind of funny and came to mind while I was reading the other comments. I remember making out with this guy once and we were getting kind of hot and heavy. He then stopped and proceeded to take inventory out loud. I can't remember exactly what was said, but it was basically a checklist of signs I might be ready for sex. The only one I really remember is "OK, You're breathing heavy." He didn't say it like a comment, but more like a new driver might say..."Ok, the car is in drive." lol It still cracks me up to this day. I didn't end up having sex with him.

My first time lasted about two minutes. We had been making out for weeks and dating over the Summers for a few years. He snuck in my window and we made out a little bit before it started. We were finally alone! It hurt at first. Just as it started to feel good, he came and it was over. Then he left. Maybe he was embarrassed about his timing? We had been friends since we were little kids, but things got weird between us after that and we didn't talk much.

zyzz said...

Oh, come on, Elizabeth. Performance anxiety isn't all that uncommon, and a guy's first time must be pretty nerve-wracking. Just because you've been lucky enough to avoid it (or mean enough to assume all your nervous partners were psychos), doesn't mean you have to go around being judgmental.

alvlin said...

Oh heck. My own first time were actually not the kind you laugh about a few years later. I was 12, and was quite brutally raped. That sucks, and turned me from an insecure child to an aggressive, outgoing, insecure teen.

The first time I chose to have sex though, was a month after the rape, an overdramatic encounter with a girl that actually was the first person I fell in love with. She was the kind of pretty psycho who pretends to be a vampire for her entire teens, just to trot off and become a model the second she turns 16. Still wouldn't wanna trade lives with her, though. I have never met a person who hated themselves as much as she did.

Anyway, it all started out perfectly. I came home from dancing lessons, my mother was out, and I found this girl in my bedroom, draped in a black robe and candles burning everywhere. She must have spent hours preparing! She walks up to me, puts my hand on her tit, looks me deep in the eyes and softly asks me if I want her, and if I don't, I should just ask her to leave. When we kiss, I am more euphoric about what the scene would look like from the outside than I am with the actual kiss.

Nothing went wrong that night, except that I couldn't come and all I could think about while we were at it was the fact that she was waaaaay prettier than me, and that I felt clumsy, fat, short and hairy. Because, (big surprise!) at 12, I hadn't started to shave, but she (at 14) actually had).

But, since then I have been popping the cherry of more than a few guys (being an actual nerdofiliac helps here, I'm sure).

When I was 17, I went out with a guy who was 16 and unkissed when we met. His inexperience was so cute I almost couldn't keep my hands off his Goldilocks-pretty body, and I was the one trying to get him into bed. One month later (one MONTH! Of trying to get him alone and undressed!)we were making out at my place. His bus were leaving in 20 minutes(last bus home for him that night) when suddenly he stopped kissing me, met my gaze and said: "Let's do it!"
And we did, really fast, because we were both stressed by the thought of him missing his bus home. Five minutes later, he sits up in my bed and slips on his T-shirt, stating: "I don't think I'm gonna get so into this." At first, I thought he meant our relationship, but it turned out he meant sex.

We were together for 10 years, and yes, thankfully he did "get into" sex. Truth be told, he is still one of the most charmingly perverse men I've ever met. He is gonna make a Freudian shrink very happy some day.


And Elizabeth: A lot of young guys has a problem with getting hard. Both men and women today are living under high levels of sexual pressure, not to mention that our current lifestyle is loaded with mental and physical stress alike. Sprinkle it with a certain level of emotional backfiring, and voila, not really strange that young guys can't get hard and young girls don't get wet enough from time to time.

J said...

First, you must understand something: I don't drink, I don't do illegal drugs, and at the time I wasn't on any prescription medication.

So how, then, can I explain the fact that I do not remember losing my virginity. Or, more accurately, I remember it, but the girl I remember losing it to assured me that we didn't have sex that night for reasons I won't get into here.

So, I know to whom I lost my virginity, because I had sex with her again (for the first time?) a few weeks later. But still...

J said...

Re: SSRIs

Some of them list a vague "sexual side effects", and when I first went on them I found that my personal side effect was, well, verging on priapism. Damn thing was like a newborn baby waking me up in the middle of the night.

On the flip side, it can certainly lessen a person's sex drive -- I've experienced this in partners -- but I've been told that sometimes experimenting (under the supervision of an appropriate medical professional) with different drugs can solve that problem, or at least reduce it.

As for Birth Control, it can be used for acne, menstrual regulation (have known one girl who only menstruated regularly when on BC, and one who menstruated non-stop if she wasn't on it), migraines, and a myriad other non-prophylactic purposes. Not unlike how some antidepressants are used as non-habit-forming sleeping pills.

gldngirl423 said...

just found this site via Jezebel and ive wasted 8 working hours reading through everything...hilarious.

like some of the commenters, i was also very sexual for as long as i can remember, and actually broke my hymen myself. i was always consumed with exploring sex and took every opportunity given to me to learn (including spending hours perusing all the cumshot playing cards my dad had hidden in his closet and masturbating to the raunchy chapters of Howard Stern's "Private Parts"). my mom was very strict, however, so most of my early sexual activity consisted of awkward handjobs under the blanket on the couch. the first time i ever made a guy cum, i was SHOCKED. so shocked, in fact, that i decided to commemorate the event by writing a detailed description in my diary. a couple of weeks later, i saw my diary laying out, opened it to the featured article, and was horrified to find that my mom had circled the particularly lurid sentences and wrote "YOUR MOM READ THIS" next to them.

i was 15 and drunk when i actually lost my virginity for the first time. his little sister was sleeping in the same room. it didnt seem like such a big deal, and i am so glad that i lost it then and there because it paved the way for all of the sexual confidence i have now! on a much more hilarious note, i hear the guy is now a drug addict and sucks dick for heroin. fun!

also, weasel, when i was in kindergarten there was one boy who was fascinated with my legs. when i wore a dress to school, he would sneak up behind me and stroke them until i smacked the shit out of him. take comfort in the fact that you are not alone out there.

little ninja said...

I loved this post.

I had to wait till the age of 27 to lose my virginity, and I'm glad I did, despite all the frustration up to that point. Having finally considered the possibility that I was a lesbian, I fell in love with a girl I met online. She flew about 3000 km to deflower me, and it was a wonderful, natural, enlightening experience.

I realize this is not common. I feel fortunate to have evaded the archetypal "horrible first time" experience.

Melodie said...

Haa... this site is great, Weasel. :)

As for my first and horrible experience, it was in college. I was semi-dating this guy whom I really liked, and we'd fooled around a fair bit until I decided I wanted to lose my virginity. Well, first, he was excited by it... so much so he pretty much skipped over any foreplay in order to get "to the good stuff". Second, he was big. Not like freak or porn star big, but a pretty thick seven or eight inches.

Big cock + no foreplay + virgin = OUCH.

I knew it was going to hurt the first time, but when he rammed it in, I bit my lip so hard I drew blood so as not to scream and wake half of my dorm. Even afterwards I was like, "Ok, it was supposed to hurt, next time will be better." It was NEVER good with him.

Just goes to show you guys how much foreplay is needed!

Michelle said...

I lost my virginity when I was 17 to my best friend's boyfriend. While she was in the room. Because she felt bad for me. He was giant and I was small and I don't think I've ever experienced pain like that since then. He gave up as impossible, didn't even change the condom, and he was inside her. I curled into a ball and cried to the sounds of their fucking.

Snow said...

My first time, I had to use a condom that was too small, and I didnt know it. It hurt like a bitch, and I never could come until we agreed to do a pull out. I didn't know I needed to get her wet, and I couldn't find her vagina for a long time.

Anonymous said...

Im 20 y/o and I lost it when I was 8, to my cousin, so yeah you get the picture. But I'm still waiting to do it to a girl it's not that I havn't had the chance its that the whole things left me too paraniod of feeling the same as i did when i was 8

Anonymous said...

was 16 wen i lost mine, extremely intoxicated. to 2 20 yr old twin virgins apparently. 10 mins after each other, quite terrible really dont remember much but just remember being extremely saw in the morning.
went back to skool the week after and since im a girl i had a few people with strong oppinions but others that thought i was a hero.

Anonymous said...

my boyfriend came over and asked me if i wanted to have sex and i said ok, of course i wasnt a virgin and he was so he was scared out of his mind.so we started making out and got butt naked. however my first time i got raped, so i think your much more lucky than i am, i didnt know who the dude was he just came to my house and started raping me, so thats kinda a bad start. my scend time was wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better than my 1 one by a 1,000,000,000. i rather have a virgin boyfriend than a non virgin, they look cute scared and are so much better than the ones have exsperience.

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Anonymous said...

Lol that dude will never get although i have but considering my age that's a good thing (14) but i know people who have but over here in the uk or atleast in my school if people have sex noone really talks or brags( in the case of the guy)

Jenn said...

My sexual experience includes my hand and the hatbox of battery-powered toys under my bed.
I've never even been on a date...
Hell, I've never even been kissed. Not even just the cheek.
I put all this down to "I'm a depressed shut-in who detached herself from pretty much everyone once she was finished with college." I mean, I suppose I'm pleasant to look at. I've gotten a few flirty lines from random guys when I go to Best Buy or when I'm at work. It's just incredibly disheartening to listen to some other girl who has twenty pounds on me talk about the fact that she totally fucked the guy who flirted a little bit with me when he came to her apartment for our party. Especially since he was married... And when she goes into detail.

So, from a 23-year-old virgin I can read your post and go: "at least you had something."

Hammerhead said...

I'm a month away from 20 and still a virgin - and will readily admit to it. Honestly, some people seem almost appalled when they find out, as though my virginity is something I should have left behind with light-up sneakers and Lisa Frank stationary. (excuse me while I take moment to reminisce about the good old days...)

As for sexual experiences in general, I've been masturbating since around 2nd grade, if that counts, and quite successfully too. I've got a room to myself, an assortment of fun toys and an internet full of possibilities - and people wonder why I'm not clamoring after the next available dick.

Some Girl said...

I lost mine when I was 19. I had had my first kiss about two months before. Both were with my current boyfriend. He is the only person I ever touched and that's the best thing I could have done for myself.

It's not that boys didn't like me, I just didn't like any of them enough... in any case, my boyfriend is six years older than me, and obviously was much more experienced... it wasn't embarrassing, but it wasn't nice either. It kinda hurt. And by that I mean that it was fucking painful.

Anonymous said...

My first time I was fourteen, he was seventeen. I had the biggest crush on him. He was one of those guys who just always seemed to know what to say or do and god he was hot. We were at a party with some mutual friends (my friend was sisters with his friend, and so we all had sort of common parties in high school....) and I had wandered down to the basement to hang out with some of the guys I was friends with. They all sort of drifted off though, and it was just me and him. We started kissing, and I was so embarrassed because I'd eaten some doritos. I honestly had no idea what he was doing. I'd done everything else before, and wasn't particularly shy, but I wasn't really expecting to have sex that night. The lights went out when someone upstairs flipped the switch, and the next thing I knew, he was on top of me and I was not at all impressed. It was uncomfortable, and over very, very quickly. I also bled. A lot. Which freaked him out. Apparently, he had no idea it was my first time.

He later turned out to be gay. I'm not sure what that says about me. But then, I turned out to be bi, so I guess probably not much about him either ;)

Reading about your first time, I'm with the others. Poor thing. My heart goes out to you back then (not now, back then...)

As for Steve, sorry dude. You should just be grateful some girl would be willing to put up with you for the five or so seconds it will take you to spurt (and I'm being generous). If she shaves for you, I hope you at least eat her out.

The Relm Eclipsed said...

How I lost my virginity...I guess many would find this story annoying...Too perfect. But it's the truth.

Ever since I was 14 I decided I wouldn't lose my virginity until I found "the one". I had built up an entire feministic self-empowering ideology about why I didn't want to just throw it away on some random guy.No. Not me. I wasn't about to settle for less then the best. He had to be special...EXCEPTIONAL...And it had to be how I wanted...

Ever hear of a Bride-zilla? Well, I guess you could say I was Virginzilla; this was MY virginity here. You only lose it once, right? And I had it all planned how I wanted it.

My way or the highway.

I wanted to be MADLY in love with him, whom ever he was. I wanted a fairytale.

I had fallen in love before. I had a few boyfriends whom I deemed worthy of consideration, but none of them seemed right.Call it chemistry. But they could never do the same for me. I don't know why, but my body just wasn't responsive to their touch. One accused me of being insatiable LOL.

I'd become quite skilled at blowjobs and handjobs to keep them happy, mostly for their pleasure alone. One guy told me out of every girl he'd ever been with, I had given him the most pleasure, which he found odd considering I had always kept my panties on.

I took it as a compliment, but the fact also seemed to add to my own frustration.Watching these men post-cum, with their dumb, happy smiles, telling me I was the greatest blow, blah, blah, blah.At least SOMEONE was having a good time.
Some of my friends told me I was being ridiculous; waiting all this time for someone who probably doesn't even exist. I was believing in a fairy tale.



But one day, that all changed. I met HIM...He was perfect! Everything I ever dreamed of AND MORE! I'd get goose bumps at his touch, and his smell drove me bananas!

I knew right them I had found the one who would take my virginity. My body was wild and awake! One romantic night I told him that I wanted to start birth control, because I wanted him to be my first.

I was 24 years old.

The problem was, by that age I was USED to being a virgin. My head was readier then my body.

He recognized this would be the case, and said we should take it slow. He bought me a dozen red roses and strewn the petals all over the bed that night.

I was a little flinchy at first...no, to be honest, it HURT. I had to pull away, my body confused at the strange sensations. We had to stop and start a few times because it was hard for me to relax.

But he was so gentle and patient. His voice was soft and warm against my hair, and his hands were like butter. He spoke sweet, loving words to me and I eased, melting into him.

The next couple of times were similar to the first. I was scared, unsure. He was a patient, loving teacher.

After a while I craved him. We challenged each other in the nights that followed. My fairy tale became an adventure and a journey.

...Sickening, isn't it?

Sorry if this ended up sounding like a bodice-ripper novel, but it's how it happened!

The Relm Eclipsed said...

How I lost my virginity...I guess many would find this story annoying...Too perfect. But it's the truth.

Ever since I was 14 I decided I wouldn't lose my virginity until I found "the one". I had built up an entire feministic self-empowering ideology about why I didn't want to just throw it away on some random guy.No. Not me. I wasn't about to settle for less then the best. He had to be special...EXCEPTIONAL...And it had to be how I wanted...

Ever hear of a Bride-zilla? Well, I guess you could say I was Virginzilla; this was MY virginity here. You only lose it once, right? And I had it all planned how I wanted it.

My way or the highway.

I wanted to be MADLY in love with him, whom ever he was. I wanted a fairytale.

I had fallen in love before. I had a few boyfriends whom I deemed worthy of consideration, but none of them seemed right.Call it chemistry. But they could never do the same for me. I don't know why, but my body just wasn't responsive to their touch. One accused me of being insatiable LOL.

I'd become quite skilled at blowjobs and handjobs to keep them happy, mostly for their pleasure alone. One guy told me out of every girl he'd ever been with, I had given him the most pleasure, which he found odd considering I had always kept my panties on.

I took it as a compliment, but the fact also seemed to add to my own frustration.Watching these men post-cum, with their dumb, happy smiles, telling me I was the greatest blow, blah, blah, blah.At least SOMEONE was having a good time.
Some of my friends told me I was being ridiculous; waiting all this time for someone who probably doesn't even exist. I was believing in a fairy tale.



But one day, that all changed. I met HIM...He was perfect! Everything I ever dreamed of AND MORE! I'd get goose bumps at his touch, and his smell drove me bananas!

I knew right them I had found the one who would take my virginity. My body was wild and awake! One romantic night I told him that I wanted to start birth control, because I wanted him to be my first.

I was 24 years old.

The problem was, by that age I was USED to being a virgin. My head was readier then my body.

He recognized this would be the case, and said we should take it slow. He bought me a dozen red roses and strewn the petals all over the bed that night.

I was a little flinchy at first...no, to be honest, it HURT. I had to pull away, my body confused at the strange sensations. We had to stop and start a few times because it was hard for me to relax.

But he was so gentle and patient. His voice was soft and warm against my hair, and his hands were like butter. He spoke sweet, loving words to me and I eased, melting into him.

The next couple of times were similar to the first. I was scared, unsure. He was a patient, loving teacher.

After a while I craved him. We challenged each other in the nights that followed. My fairy tale became an adventure and a journey.

...Sickening, isn't it?

Sorry if this ended up sounding like a bodice-ripper novel, but it's how it happened!

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Anonymous said...

I first thought I might be bisexual sometime in middle school, but, having never been with a guy or a girl, I didn't know for sure. Being the wheelchair bound girl that I am, I had very little opportunity to figure it out, until I was 18. I was a freshman in college and was hanging out and drinking with two new friends, a guy and a girl, on the 3rd floor of a dorm really late at night. Well, I told them I had never been kissed. So, the guy kissed me. It was awkward, but nice - too little tongue, though. Then, the girl kissed me. That was better - too much tongue though. Then, out of fairness, they kissed each other. Before I knew what was happening, they were naked and grinding. I was trapped in the room with them, as I can't open doors by myself. When they took a break to get a condom, they let me out. It would have been a clean escape from there, except the elevator was broken. I was on the 3rd floor. In a wheelchair. At 3 in the morning. And the elevator was fucking broken. And I couldn't go back to that room.... I had to call campus maintenance, who woke up at 3:30AM and came in to save me, even though it was Fall Break. One guy had to stand on the top of the elevator and manually lower me down. Finally, at 4:57AM, I made my escape from that situation, but the memory of it still haunts me. The only good thing I got out of it was the knowledge that yes, I'm bi.

- Megs

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