Sunday, June 28, 2009

Mastur-Nation

Cum Watch! - 40m

Hung single stud loves showing off to young ladies in my sexy speedos and women who fantasize about watching me jack off in public!

Im a straight guy that loves to show my stuff. I really want you to do nothing but sit next to me or catch me jacking off. Its that easy, I'm good looking with a nice package and huge cum shooter! Let's meet in XXXXXX Park for a show you'll never forget!

OR I can just come over and strip and jerk off for your viewing pleasure. It's better then watching porn or using your imagination. You can touch me when you are very turned on and overcome with your horniness. I love to perform for groups of women!

Does the thought of a well hung stud playing with himself make you curious? Do you want to catch me playing with myself in public? Are your fingers making their way to your panties thinking about my cock?

Let's talk now to satisfy your stud fantasies! Let's watch my beautiful cock explode!

Sean

As men, we often wonder what fantasies play out in a woman's mind while she masturbates. I always imagine a world of vivid colors, winged unicorns, and sparkling, complex characters, all set adrift in a sea of brand-name furniture and towels folded into attractive, presentable squares. I know it's nothing like what goes through my mind when I masturbate. I'm a guy; I can jerk off to a bus schedule.

Yet some guys wholly neglect to consider the actual substance of women's fantasies, instead projecting their own fantasies into the minds of women. Guys like Sean for example, whose personal ad might suggest women actually fantasize about encountering a pantsless man in penny loafers and a mid-century beekeeping helmet, masturbating furiously in a public park as partially chewed crackers spill from the open beaks of completely mortified ducks.

Throw in a car bomb, Sean, and you've got yourself a fantasy.

Sean ultimately fails to arouse women with his completely implausible theory however, as evidenced by my recently divorced sister reading Sean's personal ad and subsequently facing first-degree arson charges for attempting to burn down her own vagina. "I've given up on men," she wrote to me a few weeks later on Energizer letterhead, "If I need an orgasm, I can grease my own hamster."

Yet I admit in moments of kink and weakness, I've often asked my own girlfriend to watch me play with myself, which always sounds like a good idea until I see that horribly pained expression on her face, as if she's watching someone process a stool sample.

I can't blame her. I don't possess the erotic appeal of a muscled Portugese foot soldier carrying a tray of delightfully chilled cantaloupe cubes, nor do I speak that rather fluid dialect of Vaginese paired with a charming Clittorish accent that so many women find endearing. I'm a pretty plain guy and I've seen myself masturbate, and believe me, you wouldn't exactly compare my pathetic onanistic gyrations to the muted grace of a swan taking flight; rather, I look more like I'm shucking an ear of corn while giving birth to an abnormally large pheasant.

Indeed, men have utilized masturbation for centuries, primarily as a means to relieve ourselves of pent-up sexual desires. Our brains produce far more sperm than we can distribute in the intended fashion, no thanks to a brain that constantly comes up with such inspiring barstool zingers as "Excuse me ma'am, but would you like to see to see something swell?"

In fact, research shows prehistoric non-dominant males often masturbated upwards of ten times a day, suggesting dominant males often thought twice before diving into that evening's salad dressing. Unable to copulate with females because they couldn't build a fire or throw a rock for shit, submissive males frequently excused themselves from the cave, saying "I need to go slay a mastodon."

Slay the mastodon, indeed, my friends. We didn't call you guys Homo Erectus for nothing.

"God" didn't come around for another thousand years or so, so researchers still cannot speculate what prehistoric men moaned as they ejaculated.

Now, all of us have masturbated at one point or another, and in today's bonus section, WWHM unfortunately chose to step across a line from which we now cannot return.

Because today, my friends, if you wish to proceed beyond this point, you will suffer through the completely mortifying and embarrassing story about the first time we accidentally "stumbled" across masturbation as a youth. Likely, you will find the story an extreme case of "too much information." But we've all done it, and I'm just laying out a painful re-creation of the events that led up to my "discovery" so you can all have a good laugh at my expense.

Subjecting myself to the inhuman torture of relaying this story to you has tormented me for days. If you ever meet me in public and mention this story, please bring clean rags because I will be forced to shoot myself on the spot, and I don't want to soil your lovely new handbag.

Remember, proceed at your own risk.

I grew up on an isolated farm in a hippie community about 25 miles west of Seattle. We were hippies in every sense of the word; we made our own cheese, protested nuclear submarines, and used the word "burlap" as a verb.

Like most hippie families, my parents openly despised modern accoutrements and preferred to live off the land as nature intended. We grew our own food in a garden, and raised our own meat in a barn. My brothers and I meticulously raised, fed and befriended our barn animals, which my father then brutally slaughtered and served to us atop a steaming potato.

"Survival of the fittest!" he would joyfully pronounce, imploring us to simply wipe away our tears and dig in to the limbs, hearts, and minds of our closest friends.

"What does it taste like?" my father would ask.

"Lies," I replied.

Keeping in tune with nature I suppose, my parents regularly walked about the farmhouse naked. Nary a day passed when I wouldn't cross my father performing some menial farm task as if he had simply forgotten to put on clothes. Carrying a bushel of apples towards the farmhouse, his genitals flopped about wildly, as if performing a tribal dance dedicated to the joys of freedom and the value of choice.

I never felt awkward about my parents' nudity, but I certainly felt awkward about my own. Fully exposed to the elements before a shower, I would instinctively lock my knees and cup my genitals as if sequestering a small, argumentative bird. I don't know where the inclination came from, yet I remember always thinking that nudity was for adults only.

Around my eleventh birthday however, strange things started happening to my brain. Although I steadfastly held to my belief that girls were disgusting, vile creatures that spread disease and smelled bad, I began to look at them just a little bit differently for the first time.

Specifically, I developed an insane desire to lick the arms and legs of the pretty little girls in my class. I didn't know why and I never acted on the inclination, but girls' skin just looked so incredibly delicious, much like a steaming cookie. This, despite the fact if a girl actually touched me, I had to spend at least 15 minutes with my boyhood friends faux-spraying the point of contact with an imaginary can of high-grade disinfectant.

Though I didn't know it at the time, this was my first brush with my sexuality. I couldn't explain my desire to snack on the extremities of my female classmates, and I certainly wasn't mature enough to accurately connect the body buzz I felt with my newfound fascination with licking girls. It was just a strange, enjoyable buzz, and I didn't know how else to replicate it.

But then I discovered a new method.

I was sitting in my room one day tackling some of the important issues I faced as an eleven year-old boy, namely replicating tractor noises and drawing dinosaurs that killed people with lasers. My parents weren't around that particular day, so I was feeling a little mischievous. I remember sitting on my bed staring at the wall, trying to figure out what to do, when suddenly a little voice came into my head.

"Take your clothes off," it said.

It wasn't a suggestion, but more of a command. As usual, I didn't particularly want to take my clothes off, but I promptly did as I was told. I felt pretty dumb sitting in my room naked, but I felt that weird buzz coming on again, the same one I felt when I thought about chewing on a pair of skinny little thighs. I liked it.

"Go walk around the house naked," the voice said.

Six months earlier, you may as well have asked me to go kick my neighbors psychotic, man-eating horse in the shins, but for some reason this day I just said, "OK." I peeked out my door and saw the coast was clear, so I started walking around the house buck naked. My body was totally buzzing with some weird form of anticipation that I couldn't quite decipher, and it just barely overwhelmed my intense fear of my parents coming home and catching me nude, locking me up in an insane asylum, and feeding the keys to my moronic goats that regularly dined on coat hangers and tractor parts anyway.

After a couple minutes of walking around, something weird happened. I looked down at my penis and suddenly realized it was standing upright, reaching out as if trying to retrieve a snack item or summons a passing cat. Mortified, I ran back upstairs and threw my clothes back on, unsure of what had just transpired. Fortunately, putting my clothes back on seemed to tame my "problem." It had happened before in my sleep, sure, but never during the day.

The following week when my parents were away again, the voice came back, and this time I only pretended to not want to take my clothes off. I wanted to feel that buzz again, and nothing would stop me. "If I have to," I sighed to no one in particular, throwing my clothes off as if they were in flames.

But this time, my annoying "problem" surfaced almost immediately. "What the hell?" I thought. As if I didn't feel odd enough parading around the farmhouse naked, now I had to deal with this irretractable bird perch sticking directly out of my thorax. I wanted the buzz, but I didn't want this "problem" to interfere with my enjoyment of it.

I eventually learned I only could tame my "problem" by pre-occupying myself with boring activities while I was walking around naked. I'd stop by the couch and leaf through my father's scientific periodicals, or take my clothes off and then, in a stupid fake voice, say to myself "Well, I better go find that set of keys. I could put my clothes on, but, hey, it will only take a second to find the keys so why bother? I don't need clothes to look for keys!" Then I'd spend hours walking around the property naked looking for keys that I knew damn well were sitting in my pants pocket in my room.

Eventually I even walked around outside the farmhouse stark naked, which probably surprised people driving by on the freeway next to our house. "Oh my God," an old couple might exclaim, turning their heads as they passed, "I think I just saw a wingless fairy with an erection in that horse pasture."

As the months progressed however, the more difficult taming my "problem" became. No matter what I did or thought about, the minute I took my clothes off my annoying "problem" popped up like the door lock on a car. Out of solutions, I decided that my "problem" could do what it damn well pleased and it wouldn't stop me from walking around naked and getting my buzz.

I went into the attic and sat in a chair, wondering what to do about this newfound predicament. Staring angrily at my "problem", I suddenly realized where that peculiar and demanding "voice" had been coming from. The voice that always told me to take off my clothes, the voice that had tricked me into making applesauce in the nude. And it was standing at attention right in front of me. It was, in fact, the voice of my "problem."

Stunned at the realization, my penis and I then engaged in what forever will be known as "The Conversation." My penis and I had reached a showdown, two stubborn gunslingers meeting on opposite sides of the town square. I wanted my "body buzz", and he always had to swell up like a threatened pufferfish every time I took my pants off. There obviously wasn't enough room in this town for the two of us.

And as I sat in my chair, sweating in the August heat, so began the infamous Conversation:

Penis: Hey there, little fella.

Me: Oh, uh, um ... hey.

Penis: Sooooooooooo. (Insert innocent whistling.) Whatcha doin?

Me: Nuthin.

Penis: Hmmm, that's interesting. (Long pause.) Boyyyyyyy, do I need a hug.

Me: What?

Penis: A hug. You know. Touch me.

Me: I'm not touching you.

Penis: Why not? I'm cold.

Me: You're not cold. You just want me to touch you.

Penis: I'm freezing.

Me: Shut up.

Penis: Just for a second. You know you want to ... please.

Me: OK. But just for a second. And that's it.

... and on that note, I placed my head in the alligator's mouth. And a second is all it took.

Immediately I was overcome with a powerful shockwave that began pulsing throughout my body. It grew stronger and stronger, and in a matter of seconds I was convulsing in spasms of both ecstasy and confusion. I had no idea what was happening, but I knew it felt good.

And just as quickly as it all started, the shockwaves retreated. I gathered myself, completely aghast at what had just transpired. I still had all my limbs, and apparently I was still alive.

I checked my surroundings and everything seemed to be in order.

Until I looked down, where I made a terrifying discovery.

I had just milked myself.

I was horrifed. What was I, a cow? What was this ... stuff? What do I do now? Clean it up? Prepare some cereal?

I panicked. I didn't know what I had just done, but I was pretty sure I wasn't supposed to be doing it. I put my pants back on, and tried to find something, anything, to clean up the evidence I had just fire-hosed all over the attic. I couldn't find anything, so I did what all guilty eleven year-olds do with incriminating crime evidence.

I wiped it up with my hand and ....

I put it in my pocket.

I slowly crept out of the attic, and luckily no one was home. I went into my room, changed out of my "smoking gun" pants, and gathered a bunch of clean clothes to mix in with Exhibit A of the prosecutor's evidence. I lugged them down to the washing machine, and poured just about an entire box of detergent in the machine and started it.

My mother came home about an hour later, and I was sitting on the couch, pretending to be just another normal eleven year-old boy that hadn't just sprayed down the entire attic with a gallon of penis milk.

"Who's doing laundry?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm just washing some clothes," I replied, pretending to read a magazine that may as well have been upside down or written in ancient Sanskrit.

She looked at me suspiciously. "I just washed your clothes."

"Well," I answered, "uh , yeah, they weren't clean so I just washed them again."

My mother knew something was up, but luckily she didn't push the issue any further. She just shot me that disapproving look a mother spends years perfecting: The "I know you did something, and you're fucking kidding yourself if you don't think I'm going to find out" look.

Luckily, she never did figure it out.

Until I was 14, of course.

When she caught me in the act.

But that's another story, and one you won't read about here on WWHM.

Now that I've thoroughly embarrassed myself, I'm going to retreat to my closet, curl up in the fetal position, and suck on graham crackers for the next three days.

Now, I know you people won't likely want to share your stories after experiencing the humiliation I just went through, and I don't blame you. But if you want, you can let everyone know how old you were when you first discovered "the path to self-enlightenment."

Meanwhile, I'm going to go permanently alter my face with a chainsaw.

252 comments:

1 – 200 of 252   Newer›   Newest»
RebelJubilee said...

Weasel,

Great post as always. And that last part about your mother catching you, you could have my mother who told my brother that she'd rather have him filling up a sock than getting some girl pregnant.

Freu said...

I'd love to see his cock explode, but probably not in the way he's hoping.

Weasel said...

Rebel, do you teach an Evelyn Wood speed-reading course or something?

Anonymous said...

I was 14, and discovered the wonder of the shower nozzle.

I had an orgasm, and was terrified because I thought I was having a seizure.

Queen_of_the_Serpents said...

Great story, Weasel.
I see this all the time on dating sites and in chat rooms. It's crazy - no sane woman wants to see a guy walk his midget.

For my own masturbation stories, no orgasms to report, although the first time I tried it, I ended up making myself cry.

I'll let your imagination take care of the 'why.'

For the record, Psycho-Ex never made me watch him, though he insisted on doing it when we talked on the phone. <.<

Anonymous said...

Aww, Weasel, that was adorable. My embarassing story is that I didn't start masturbating until I was 20. I went to a Christian school for 10 years, and every damn day they drilled into your head that masturbation was icky and wrong and ewwy, like a bunch of overgrown five year olds. Anyways, it took me until I was 20 to become mentally ready to masturbate without feeling an enormous amount of shame. One day I was sitting on the couch (alone, thank God) and just started thinking about a guy I liked, and...huh, my genitals seem to be awash in fluid. I figured this was now or never, so I reached my hand down my pants, thinking thoughts like "this is ridiculous", "this is so gross", "I really hope no one walks in here". I started gently rubbing the outer labia of my vagina, and thought "huh, this...isn't so bad". After a few more times, I increased the tempo and, uh, roughness, and started going deeper into my vagina. That was fun and all, sure, but the orgasm eluded me the first few times I masturbated. Until. One night I was feeling very horny, and instead of going straight for the inside of my vagina, I started playing with my clitoris. I had an intensely pleasant feeling as I did this, and so I kept at it until the momentum built, and, wonder of wonders, I had my first non-sleep-induced orgasm. That night I had 5 or 6 more orgasms, and I learned that masturbation is incredibly frigging fun. LONG LIVE ORGASMS.

Hjorrdis said...

No, I can't say I've ever fantasized about a guy masturbating, or done anything but put on my bored face when a guy I was with did it.

I think my mom told me about masturbation when I was 8 or 9 to make sure I did it right and didn't think there was anything weird about it. Crazy? I waited at least half a year before I acted on her advice though.

Anonymous said...

I was 14 :) Please dont ever stop writing this blog!

Anonymous said...

I must be the weirdest girl on the block...I figured out the whole masturbation thing when I was about 6. At least, I knew that it felt good. I was 11 and in a sex ed class when I heard about orgasms, and my first thought was, "How do I get my sister out of our room so I can try that?!"

On the up-swing, my sweetie tells me that I am a "no-brainer" to please to this day. I once told a boyfriend (as I broke up with him) "If you cant get me off within 5 minutes there is something seriously wrong with you!"

Willow said...

I was about 8 or 9. My sister found the back massager (the kind that straps onto the back of your hand) that my mom kept in her bottom drawer of her bureau. (This was purchased, ostensibly, to give my father backrubs, and I'm not going to think about that too much or I may have to use brain bleach for the second time this week.)

Anyway, I walked in on little sister to find that she had this thing on her crotch and was enjoying it. She showed me how to use it because because sisters share. And about thirty seconds after I put it down there, I had an orgasm.

I used that thing so much the first day I almost burned out the motor. My mother walked upstairs, wondering what that horrible acrid smell was and found me, spread eagled on my bed with massager going.

Honestly, I'm surprised I tried that sort of activity ever again after seeing the look on Mom's face. She confiscated the massager and I never saw it again. (Believe me, I looked.)

But I managed to rally after the mom-induced guilt-fest and not long after, I returned home from a day at the beach with about a pound of sand in the crotch of my bathing suit. I scooted my bottom underneath the bathtub faucet to rinse the sand away, and I bet you can guess the rest of the story without my having to write it.

The bathtub became my preferred hangout through much of my adolescence until my parents purchased an electric toothbrush. Suddenly my interest turned from daily baths to meticulous oral hygiene. (For those wondering: I used the back of the brushhead, not the bristles.)

Ultimately I learned how to use my fingers and the utility bills (water and electric) plummeted. ;-)

I was fascinated and turned on by male masturbation and discovered in college that if I asked a boyfriend to show me how he did it, I didn't have to ask twice.* The eagerness with which guys demonstrated their technique thrilled and shocked me.

*I remember only one boy refusing my request and he contacted me fairly recently via Facebook. He had fond memories of us oh-so-many years ago. He volunteered to demonstrate for me what he had declined to do so many years before, and this time I was the one who said "Um, no."

Ick.

Mack Truck said...

Weasie, as usual, that was hilarious. Since you shared your story, I'll share mine.

I was 11 y/o when I discovered The Orgasm. I'd been fooling around with myself since I was 6 or 7, but didn't have an orgasm until then.

Let's just say the water faucet in the bathtub became my BEST friend. My parents were miffed that I took up so much time in the bathroom, but we had two others in the house that they and my brothers could use.

Once I discovered the Big O, I masturbated every day, sometimes for hours at a time.

My mother caught me once and said, "Nice young ladies don't DO that." At which time I figured out I probably wasn't a nice young lady, since I didn't stop.

I still masturbate at least 3 to 4 times a week, even though I have an SO. It's just something I enjoy doing.

I have toys now, too. Those double bullet toys are the BEST! I always make sure I have plenty of AA batteries in the house, and it's not because I'm worried about the TV remote....

Anonymous said...

I must been early teens. Somehow, somewhere, my brain thought I should stick something cucumber or carrotesque up there ... I learnt the hard way that textas can hurt(I think you might call them sharpies- thick pen things)

I then discovered a back massager thing that warmed up!

I was so paranoid. I imagined my parents could hear the vibrations from the other end of the house.

Ultimately, it was my first boyfriend that showed me the light. We had a highly sexual and intimate relationship sans penetration- he taught me a lot about my body.

As for watching men masterbate- it doesn't turn me on, but if I'm with someone who means a lot to me and I want to learn how to satisfy him, then I do enjoy letting him show me how he likes things.

Raven said...

Awww, poor baby Weas *laughs*

I was never caught getting off, but I do remember the first time I did. I had no idea what I was doing and no idea what an orgasm was. I'm a girl so I didn't have the mess to deal with after like you did though. I specifically remember lying face down on my bed, writhing about, imagining I'd been kidnapped by pirates who were spanking me. The thought became *cough* more and more compelling and then suddenly there was this intense feeling of ...relaxation. I didn't have any other words for it. I guess I was 10 or so. I don't remember how old I was when I found out what I'd been doing - my parents were very religious and conservative and never discussed masturbation with me at all.

Anonymous said...

Not my first time, but an early one. I had progressed from fry rubbing to using lubricant. Butter was messy, and vaseline too hard to find (we normally didn't have any in the house), so I went with what was a new invention at the time: liquid hand soap. I filled my palm with that stuff and quickly led myself to two very satisfying orgasms. All was well with the world.

Until the next day.

Does anyone know what happens when you lube up your entire genital area with liquid hand soap, then fail to rinse it off? It dries out your skin.

In this instance, my cock looked like some sort of sadly deformed snake shedding its skin. It itched, it bled (a little), and it overall was the most awful experience my poor cock has ever encountered.

School was awful for the next three days. Imagine the worst case of poison ivy E.V.E.R. in a place that you dare not scratch in public.

Sigh.

Anonymous said...

Eh, mine was the usual "Hey what's this thing down ther-OH MY GOD". My folks never caught me but my brother did. There was a lot of awkward silences and looking at the floor for a few days.

I love watching my husband. Then again we've been together for many years and are pretty comfortable with each other. Some random guy? Absolutely gross.

Sara said...

In all honesty I've never had an orgasm. One of my ex boyfriends abused me in that sense. He would get me really sexually aroused, to the point where I'm no longer in control of myself, and then stop and slap, punch, pinch, etc. me and tell me "You don't deserve pleasure!" followed by demeaning me by calling me a slut, or whore.. You get the idea.

After that relationship I just can't get it around my head to please myself. That and my parents are very, very, very strict Christians who haven't had sex for 34 years, and they have been married for 37. Anything sexual at all, was taken out of my life. I had to learn about sex from my school.

I think my brain is trying to tell me something though, because sometimes I'll wake up, all hot and horny right before the big O.. but then since I'm awake it doesn't happen :(

Anonymous said...

That was . . . weinerific!

I was very young. Too young, because I'd been molested at three, so I had some sense of what touch was "down there." It was awhile before I didn't feel guilty about touching myself. A long while.

Anonymous said...

Jacuzzi jets in our bathtub-- a girl's best friend.

I just don't get the mentality that women fantasize about men masturbating... or get horny at the sight of man playing with his dick. Although, is it common for women to fantasize about men *watching* them masturbate? I can imagine that the bored look wouldn't be on a man's face.

Anonymous said...

Great post as always!

My first sexual feelings began at age 13, but they were not overwhelming in strength or intensity; I mostly ignored them. I think that while girls develop faster than boys in most respects, our sexuality progresses more slowly. At least mine did, because it didn't truly kick in until I was about 16. My parents had bought me a few books on puberty and sex. One of them discussed masturbation. I thought, "Huh, sounds interesting, maybe I should try it." So that night I did. Been doing it regularly ever since! (Now with a vibrator--but I still get myself off "by hand" when deprived of my device.) If I neglect myself for too long, I start getting orgasms in my sleep, and those are somehow "incomplete" and unsatisfying.

Regarding the ad and female sex fantasies--my fantasies always involve (among other tropes, some of which are highly disturbing) a partner who is totally into me. NOT a partner who is totally into his own cock! I can't imagine why any woman would respond to that ad.

schammieschammie said...

ROTFL Great post, Weasel! I like the new direction you are taking! [wiping away tears of mirth]

I'm over 40, the bullet ROCKS. [high fives Mack Truck]

Xavier said...

Weasel, hilarious as always. As for self discovery, I was an odd one.

I started looking at naked (or in lingerie) pictures/drawings of women when I was less then 5. I hid in my parents closet with the Sears catalog. I was introduced to my first porn magazine at the age of 10, perfect timing for "self-discovery."

Luckily for me, my family were really open about sexuality since I was a wee-boy, so I learned many things (I am the youngest of 3, by 6 years). Not to say that I "knew" what I was doing, at least I was "aware" of what doing.

Unfortunately however, not all of this discovery was done alone (in an unwanted manner), so, that pretty much left me fucked up for a good portion of my developing life.

Anonymous said...

My mom is sexually disturbed. I haven't decided if I think it's because she was molested or if she was such a slut in highschool she carries around enough guilt to make her two daughters lives hell when it came to sexual things.
I was 9 years old and scratching my dogs belly to the point where his legs where wilding kicking and my mom says "So you enjoy masturbating the dog??" I had no idea what she was talking about but later that night in the tub I thought to myself, 'Well the dog seems to like it' so I estimated where on my body I should 'scratch'... after a few min, I too thought I'd had some sort of seisure. I love seisures.

Anonymous said...

I wanted to add, my first fantices were about being a part of a 'town' that was really one large brothel. Us girls were raised being taught the tricks of the trade. My fanticies have just gotten more fucked up since then. In fact, I think the only taboo subject that doesn't turn me on is necrophilia.

Anonymous said...

oh, and watching men masturbate.

Mack Truck said...

Schammie, I actually got confused one day, when someone was selling the Magic Bullet on TV.

Apparently, the Magic Bullet is a drink mixer and not an adult toy. Sure SOUNDS like an adult toy with that name!

I've been forever warped by the term "bullet" now, so unless it's actual firearms ammunition, I get a dreamy look and a slight smile on my face when I hear the word.

Mack said...

Great post, Weasel. Fantastic and made me laugh.

My first time...I can't remember it specifically, but I was 7ish. I had a best friend in gradeschool, and I told her once "if you touch yourself here it feels really good!" while indicating myself and we were in my bedroom at my dad's house and...yeah. That's awkward thinking about now, to be honest.

A year or two later, my mom bought me a book called "It's Perfectly Normal" and told me to read it and ask her questions after I was done. Always the teacher, Mom was. But in that book I learned what I was doing was. Now I do it once or twice a week, though I'm still hands only!

unMuse said...

Wonderful!! Love these long, self-depreciating posts.

My first time with myself was actually with a best girlfriend in 5th grade when I discovered what I called then "a HOLE!?!?!", but what I now know as the love canal. I don't know.. what can I say about girls at that age other than we're very exploratory. I freaked out and cried because I thought I broke something. Luckily, a few months later playing "the tickle game" with the same friend, I realized it was normal.

(But to rebut a point, I've watched a few exes wank the trunk and it was a turn on. Of course I wasn't watching their faces which probably is a good thing.)

Anonymous said...

I was humping pillows in my jammies long before my childhood memories begin around age 3.5 and even then I knew it was private.
One thing about the post I don't get is why you went from wandering around naked to having pants when you needed a pocket for the story. It seemed like the erections were always when you were naked, and this time you went into the attic. but then suddenly you've got pants?

unMuse said...

Oh god and I just remembered the time that my parents went on vacation and one of their friends stayed home to keep an eye on me. Well, one night she brought out a video filled with enormous bushes, mirrors and vibrators of about a dozen women learning to masturbate. Jeez. Thanks for that flashback, Weasel. I'm going to crawl in a hole and die now. It was singularly the most uncomfortable experience in my life.

Damned Fallacy said...

I actually enjoy watching men jerk off, but I sort of have to have a preexisting interest in the penis involved. That is, my boyfriend masturbating is hot; some random dude ... not so much.

And it's my contention that whoever invented the Hitachi Magic Wand should receive a Nobel Prize.

Anonymous said...

I'm a girl and I also first masturbated when I was younger; I'd press against the water jet from the filter in my pool.

I also had a young classmate masturbate while on the phone with me when we were in sixth grade.

schammieschammie said...

The Hitachi Magic Wand? [she asks casually, while making eager mental note to google this when she gets home]

Mack Truck - I had the SAME THOUGHTS about the Magic Bullet commercial! In fact, that's what I call mine....

Mack Truck said...

Schammie, you can buy the Hitachi Magic Wand Massager (riiiggghhhhttt) on Amazon, and have it delivered the next day. Y'know, for those um, URGENT needs!

Not really any more expensive that my Turbo Tandem Bullet. Which I keep VERY close in my bedside table.

Nisha said...

Interesting post. That "duck" sentence was hilarious! I hope you come out with a book someday!

Anonymous said...

I was probably 14 and very naive. I always thought that the clit and only the clit was where it was at! I never even considered anything else during the act of masturbation, even though every orgasm had an empty feeling. Then my boyfriend showed me otherwise. Oh My! It's was a very noisy, enlightening event. I couldn't see straight and my mind went nearly blank. I'm fairly sure I'm the only girl who found that a man going down on her could get the job done faster and better than when left to her own devices. Fortunately, I now know how to do it right but I still think he does it best!

Anonymous said...

So we're all here laughing at men who over expose themselves on first meeting or try to get women who are perfect strangers to give up personal information for their own perverse pleasure, the owner of this blog needs to only ask and we all spill our guts. Maybe these creeps should take a lesson or two from Weasel. Not saying I'm not guilty myself, I'd enjoy catching Weasel masturbating if you know what I mean.

(and by that I mean I'd love to have coffee with him) :)

MJ said...

LOL! Great stuff as usual. That ad's just nauseating - he clearly has never actually *talked* to a woman, or he'd realize that a) we can pretty much look at a cock whenever we want to, and b) the very availability of cock pretty much takes away all desire to hook up with the exposed man meat of desperate internet strangers. Yeah, some women get off on watching a guy jack it, but that's what internet porn's for: no STDs and no bird shit on a mingy park bench.

Megan
www.adventuresofacarnivore.com

G.H. said...

Hot tub jets. Discovered by accident.
Love the post, as usual.
But watching men jerk off...gross!! Thats never acceptable.


http://confessions-of-a-waitress.blogspot.com/

Social Dullard said...

I was first attracted to girls when i was 6. From Tv i knew about sex as something adults did from about that age. But by 9 i discovered that my penis could become erect.

I then played game's where i imagined being an adult and had sex as a sort of game. For nearly 5 years i would deliberately get myself erect in these sort of games but nothing happened. I knew about sex more and more but knew i wasn't yet old enough for it.

Eventually and embarrisingly i was "playing" one of those game's with a pillow at night. And shock horror i finally had a result. It was amazing it was shocking. The second i got home from school i tried it again and well the rest is history.

In the old day's i could finish quickly and with a large mess, even spasm my hand so fast i'd get cramps. But due to the frequency i did it at i learnt how to control how i finished so that i would NEVER make a mess i couldnt control. For years after that it never left my fist.

IGiveUp said...

If you're going to Google "Hitachi Magic Wand", do a search for the "Gee Whiz" attachment for the Magic Wand. (You can buy them as a set and save some $$.)

The Hitachi Magic Wand is lovely all by itself, but if you'd like to give G spot orgasms a try, consider the Gee Whiz.

*sigh* Best money I ever spent.

doctressjulia said...

I think I was 8 or 9...? We had this huge denim sack (crazy, huh.) full of Lego in the closet in the basement, and I would sneak in there and hump the Lego sack, for a really long time.... augh, it was so frustrating and felt super fucking good (!!), but I don't think I ever had an orgasm. Fucking hilarious, now that I remember it. Ah, yes, the Lego sack... XD

Kat said...

I won't share my own story, forgive me. I will say my guy isn't really that comfortable doing that in front of me which is a shame because I do enjoy it. I agree with some of the other comments, though, watching some guy who is obviously full of himself get off in public? Eww. I'd take an overweight, bald programmer over Mr. Studmuffin any day. I doubt he and his ego could fit in the same room.

RebelJubilee said...

Weasel said...

Rebel, do you teach an Evelyn Wood speed-reading course or something?

Nope, I just read more than I breath. Practice makes perfect...

Anonymous said...

According to my mom I had Gratification disorder so I've been doing it since infancy. She took me to the Dr. because she was afraid I was Epileptic. Embarrassing, but I guess there are worse disorders to have...

Anonymous said...

I knew all about the "buzz" from about 7 on, but couldn't figure out how to orgasm until I was about 21. And I lost my virginity at 18. *Sigh*

It would totally turn me on to watch my bf stroke it, but alas, I am dating the only man on earth who does not want to jerk off for his gf.

Persnickety Ticker said...

You hit a homerun with this post, Weas! Love the detailed descriptions!

Oh and the guy from the ad sounds like he has been watching too many late night infomercials or Home Shopping Network.

Anonymous said...

The fist time..I was like 12 and this 9th grade boy was trying to freak me and the other 12 year olds out by talking about this woman using her finger in front of an open window... I tried it that night, curious to see why a grown woman would be doing that..it felt really good, i liked it... then i felt BAD about liking it and cried for hours much to my mother's confusion.

Nothing happened again until I was a teenager and realized the massaging shower head felt nice.

Anonymous said...

First time was at about 13 years old. Horseback riding - bareback (the horse, not me). Thought it was the "thrill" of riding. It was a thrill all right. Became a pretty good rider - choose to ride bareback instead of with a saddle every chance I got.

Anonymous said...

I was twelve. My family has a time share that we visit for vacations that has a giant jet tub in the bathroom. I discovered it on accident, but the initial thrill was too much to handle that I actually let out a little scream. I lied to my mom and told her I saw a spider. After about 2 hours of undisturbed bath time, I could barely walk back to my room. I remember laying on my bed, completely exhausted, watching the room spin. Over the years, I found multiple things that served as toys, but nothing ever felt as amazing as that first time in the jet tub.

Anonymous said...

I was probably 13, and, believe it or not, I think I learned about it in...school. Not from the other kids, as I think the girls would have rather died than talked about masturbation, but from some kind of itinerant sex education teacher who came to talk to us one day. I definitely knew about masturbation before then, but she was the first person who actually encouraged us to try, to "find out what you like."

It wasn't until many many years later that I discovered the joys of vaginal stimulation. :)

Mila said...

We love you Weasel :*

casualencounters.com/blog said...

Well, there's another side to this coin. Masturbating in the park was how I met 7 of my last 9 wives. True factoid.

Anonymous said...

To casual encounters blog:
Do you have to go to another state to get married? I heard some states limit the number of times people there can get married.

Thank goodness alimony is no longer the 'norm'.

Personally, I'm on my second husband. Well, not right now, but later on I will be :)

Anonymous said...

My first orgasm was at 7 when I had a wet dream and subsequently led to me masturbating soon after.

Anonymous said...

How am I the only one that thinks male masturbation is hot? Whenever I wasn't in the mood, I'd watch my boyfriend and get all hot and bothered and hop right on! Pleasure is always sexy :-)

I've been masturbating since I was little, the water jets never worked for me though...

Nephthis said...

Oh my god. "I had just milked myself." I started laughing out loud, which is bad considering my parents are asleep.

And I hope you do share the first time you got caught. I can't wait to read it!

Anonymous said...

I dont remember the first time I figured out how to get off. I actually dont even remember a time in my life when I didnt know how to masturbate. My earliest masturbation memory is just before my 4th birthday. I am surprised at how late most everyone learned about getting off LOL. I figured everyone was just born knowing. Hilarious as usual weasel! I hope you share more of your stories with us.

Raven said...

I second (third? fourth?) the Hitachi magic wand. It seriously changed my sexuality forever. I always had a little trouble before and sometimes would just give up and say "it's not with the bother". It's really awesome knowing I can have an orgasm anytime I have just a few minutes to myself and need the tension relief for whatever reason. *giggles* I think it must be how most guys just are naturally.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I remember being really hot and bothered at about 12. Playing "games" with girls my age a little younger (although those memories are really hazy for some reason).

I didn't actually have my first orgasm until I was 19 though and I was home alone. My boyfriend (now my Husband) was at work and had really opened my eyes to how amazing sex could really be. So I went online and started reading some sexy stories and started to rub myself and low and behold ORGASM!!! I do have a vibrator, but sadly still don't really know what the heck to do with it... I have only ever been able to get off by hand.

Necie said...

I've been doing it ever since I could remember - since kindergarten at least. I never understood it til sex ed where I learned it was called 'masturbation' and I felt a tremendous sense of satisfaction that it had a name. My parents were endlessly telling me to stop 'playing bum'. I couldn't see why it was wrong. From around year 3 onwards, when I learned it was sexual, I had fantasies. But for some reason, I could never get the pink hearts to work - I could only masturbate to the thought of a cold slave dungeon...

Wes, with the stories of the popping of your cherry and your first milk here, I'm building up a fabulous picture of your youth. Please don't stop.

Hyena Overlord said...

Our Media teacher showed us a film of two people in marriage counseling, in grade 10! The subject was sex and self gratification for the woman after the man had his 2 minutes and 45 seconds of fame. That was the first time anyone had mentioned female masturbation to me.

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who needs terrible, awful, disgusting, filthy thoughts to get off. I just knew something was wrong with me.

Kat said...

Ahahaa.... oh, being caught in the act.

My first (and really only time) getting caught giving myself the happies was when I was... acutally, I don't know how old I was. But I couldn't have been that old, given my reaction and the fact that this happened when I was still young enough that my parents came into my room without notice.

I was on my stomach in bed tickling the pearl when my dad walked into the room. Now, I'd always had this kind of feeling that I was doing something I shouldn't have been doing, so when he came in -- despite the fact that there's really absolutely no way he could have been able to tell what I was doing under pyjammas and blankets -- I practically yelled "OH I'M JUST DOING THE WIGGLY-WORM DANCE"

I kid you not. The wiggly-worm dance.

And (for this and many reasons I love my dad) his immediate reaction was to say, totally bemused, "you don't have to tell me what you're doing." To this day I don't think he even knew what I was up to, only that he knew it was none of his business. :)

Kat said...

On another note, I read through all the comments just now, and whew! I'm glad I'm not the only girl who's been masturbating since she can remember. I worried for the longest time that there was something seriously wrong with me as a kid that I started so early.

Anonymous said...

I used to hump the bedpost in my sister's room at the age of 3. It just felt so good! I'd often do it while she was around, not realizing what I was doing.

I didn't realize what I was doing until I turned 14. I kept rubbing for what felt like 20 minutes, until I finally felt something. Before this, I had no idea what masturbation was. My family was openly sexual with everyone, even at a young age. Anyone could make sexual commentary or ask questions without feeling awkward.

When I was 16, I got dumped by a wonderful boyfriend. That night, I ventured into my bathroom and erratically started playing with my electric toothbrush. Out of the blue. 20 seconds later, I discovered something wonderful.

I now use a back massager, which is a fantastic happy medium between the finger and the toothbrush. :)

nikki said...

I LOVE THE HAM PIC!!!
I can't remember my first time at all. I can tell you now that I'm 30, it's like there's something wrong with me. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, right before bed, right before work, while I'm brushing my hair, you get the picture. My god is this what it means to be in your prime?

Anonymous said...

i remember playing on the playground in preschool. i used to love sliding down the pole, especially. one day, we were playing that whole "the ground is lava" game and i was on the pole. i tried climbing back up it and then something rubbed on something. i'd find found, what i now know to be, that i seriously enjoyed humping the playground pole.

cattypex said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Raven, I think your pirate fantasy story is brilliant! xD You were an imaginative kid.

Anonymous said...

It was the third guy I ever slept with who explained masturbation to me. I was 18. He wouldn't believe that I'd never done it before.

Then I was mad at him for suggesting that I'd want to do that, and for a long time I never tried it just to spite him.
It was probably about six months later that I started to try it even semi-regularly (maybe once every few weeks).

Leslie The Pirate said...

That guy sounds like a Peeping Tom in the making. Ha!

demon said...

Brilliant analysis Monsieur Weasel. As ever. "Mortified ducks"???? Ha!

4thehorses said...

Why do guys think we want to watch this? Do they teach you this in pornos? Not true, not true. Why watch, I wanna feel.

casualencounters.com/blog said...

My first masturbatory experience was so horrifying I blush just remembering it.

This day is ruined.

Auntie eMm said...

SHIT! i cant even keep reading this post cause i am laughing too hard for work. Vaginese? Clittorish? schucking corn AND giving birth to a large pheasant..?? Too much Weas, too much.

I will continue reading when i am in the safety of my own home. you got me on this one for sure. --> giggling school girl right here <--

Anonymous said...

You guys have inspired me. Last night I had my first ever jacuzzi-jet-induced orgasm, thanks to reading the comments here :)

(There is an unfortunate side effect. Water drains out for like an hour afterward.)

Anonymous said...

I am normally not an anonymous poster but dont want people i know accidentally tracking this one down! My embarassing early on masterbating story...
After a few sessions of trying to figure out what was good...(and being too young/embarassed to buy a vibrator) i discovered the pulse setting of the shower head...woohoo! i was instantly obsessed... but just like drugs, i wanted it to last longer and be better..so in my little pea sized brain i thought back to the pornos i had seen..
Hmm better hurry up, grandma is coming over in a little bit!
I've got it-
Chicks always moan and make lots of noise..sooo..maybe if i do that it will be even better, i decide.

And i do..and i thrash around like i am having seizures. and i get louder cause.. well the louder the better........right??

yep. you guessed it. it did NOT make it better and in fact i was being so loud that i didnt even HEAR my grandma come in to the house! normally she knocks, and waits outside for me to let her in..but low and behold when i walked out of the bathroom from my session- there was granny sitting on the living room couch in complete silence. no tv on, no radio.

ugh. Luckily it was never discussed, but to this day (over 10 years later)i am horrified just thinking about it. she HAD to have heard. had to...

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 3:27 PM

Ha!! so true, so true..

robertswifeintx said...

OH MY GOD. I was laughing so hard, I just spit wine all over my new laptop!

shannon said...

haha these commetns are great! i don't feel like such a freak now!
i learned about the water faucet thing very, very young, due to getting some soap in "that area" and just trying frantically to make the pain stop. well, i got under that faucet and the pain melted away instantly. from then on i would do it like, every time i bathed. my mom knew, my dad knew, they didn't explain what i was doing. i guess i was just so young, they didn't want to make me feel ashamed. i called it my "thing." oh, she's just doing her "thing." lol oh, parents. eventually i graduated to other kinds of toys, but only recently have i discovered the joy of "manual" masturbation. i'm enjoying this sexual maturity thing!

Anonymous said...

I, too, was a pillow humper at a young age (4 or 5). Then I moved on to stuffing a blanket in my underpants and humping the shit out of that. I much prefer that to penetration, currently (but I'd really like that to change. Anyone have suggestions on a good vibrator? hehe). I had no idea what I was doing and thought I may be a sick freak and the only one in the world who did this (not until I was 20 did I find out it was masturbation and that I was normal. Long time to think you're not all right in the head...). I felt like I maybe should have felt guilty, being a Christian, but I could find no verses (even looking for them when I was little) that said, 'Don't put a sheet down your pants and move around till you feel good.' I still haven't, so those who say it's 'evil and of the devil,' you're wrong and go fuck yourselves (seriously, you'd probably change your mind if you did). Let us have our perfectly natural fun! I always do it to stories in my head and I'm never me. I'm a woman from medieval Europe making love to a Russian warrior(mmm Russians), or a lesbian cheerleader, or even a hot gay guy boning another hot gay guy (doesn't have to be an intricate story), but never me. I have to have a story to even get in the mood. Which sucks because I have intimacy issues now that I'm married and have to include someone else. My sexuality has been rooted mostly in my mind for so long, reality hardly lives up to my vivid imagination. I do a pretty damn good job on my own, I must say. And thus ends my anonymous confessions to the vast wastelands of the internet. Rubbing one out before bed, or during the middle of the day, or when you wake up, or...shit, anytime really, is just fantastic.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I'll be back here to read again.

My story is similar to yours, except, cut all that stuff in the middle and collapse it into about 5 minutes in the bathroom after a bath.

I guess my hand knew what my mind did not, or the natural shape just begs one to grab it.

Skoosc said...

I've read this blog for a while now, and I've constantly wondered what makes guys write ads like this. But now I think I've finally figured it out. Their only interaction with women is watching them in porn. It explains everything.

It explains why they think women are only interested in sex, and find large penises and sexual prowess to be the number 1 features in a man. It explains why they think any young lady would be interested in watching middle aged men masturbate. It explains why they think that the only thing they need to offer in a relationship is an ability to perform sexually.

You can just see them, sitting sadly in front of their computers wondering why their ads haven't had any response. Thinking to themselves "But women love big dicks and having cum sprayed all over their face! I've got 4 harddrives full of evidence to prove it! Why do they not respond to me?"

Also, I had my frist O when I was 12. I was just as confused about the man milk too.

robyn said...

okay, just a few random comments:

1) If *I* was carrying a bushel basket full of apples, I sure as HELL would not do it naked! Those baskets are sharp! GAh!

2)I love the picture. I can't imagine what sort of naive deli worker would actually put that ham/bacon out on display! Too funny.

Anma said...

You are one brave guy, as well as funny. Kudos. 8D

Anonymous said...

I was 17 when I first started masturbating. I was already sexually active and single. My first real, solidifying orgasm occurred in the bath tub, and my leg jerked so hard I had a bruise on my knee for three weeks after that. I've been a satisfied vagina DJ ever since.

Anonymous said...

I know I was pressing against pool jets since I was quite little but only knew that it felt good. Nothing else ever happened with it. Then I was in the 5th grade (so like 10 or 11) and my mom bought me this vibrating pen that wrote in squiggly lines when turned on.

My cousin had told me that it felt good to put a back massager down there, so I though "sure! I'll give this a try!" I remember pressing the pen against the outside of my jeans and brought myself just to the point of the big O pretty quickly. That feeling scared the heck out of me and I turned the pen off.

It was a long time before I actually completed the task! And after that, I'd take that pen for a spin every night before bed. (because it made me relax and helped me get to sleep!!!) I actually got my mother to buy me three or four of them over the years because mine got burnt out, and darn it I just liked writing in my journal with that pen so much...

I was pretty religious as a kid and for years I convinced myself it wasn't masturbating because there was only external stimulation. I was probably 18 or so before I finally admitted to myself what it actually was. I have thankfully never gotten caught althought there had been some pretty quick dancing to explain why my pen had been found in my bedsheets.

To this day I can't get the job done with just my hand but I have advanced to a back massager. One of these days I'll buy an actual toy.

Calantha said...

I can't remember how old I was when I first discovered masturbation, but up until maybe my junior year in high school, I would get bouts of guilt for doing it before falling asleep. I sometimes wondered if my parents ever figured out why they heard thumping and thrashing sounds from my room. When I was older, that concern turned to "Oh shit can they hear me as I have phone sex?" coupled with attempts to hide the fact that I had discovered an adult shop and had bought my first dildos there, one of which had the neat bonus of being usable with a bullet massager. Bzzzzz-bzzz!

While I admit I have a small collection of video clips relating to guys jerking it, I think I'd rather be stuck in an elevator with Jack from "Will & Grace" than watch this guy in action. (I always found Jack to be very annoying, mind you).

Anonymous said...

long time lurker that has never posted because i don't want anyone to "find" me. Weasel i read both your blogs and find them to be absolutely brilliant. I love watching my guy jerk off but any other male NO way. As for the masterbating topic i have never really gotten the hang of it (I think i first tried it 13/14 but knew what it was from school clases) and much prefer the real thing. I do find shower heads do feel really good and so do vibrators. Unfortunately my fingers are a tad too short {guys with longer fingers oooo :) } for me to get much out of internal stimulation. Anyone else have that problem? or have any ideas on how to 'fix' that? I love eveeryone's commentary too! Keep up the great work everyone :)

Dr DR said...

That was effin hilarious!
nicely written throughout
definitely a fave

Weasel said...

Hmmm, a couple notes.

First thank you guys for taking away my embarrassment by posting your stories. F'n hilarious.

Second, apparentl I should invest in objects that produce water pressure. I will never look at showers the same.

Third, yeah, its all good if you're with a guy you KNOW.

My whole point was the guys who think women get off on watching some dumbass stranger whack off.

A LOT of women think it IS hot. But out of those women, I'd guess 95% would only think it's hot if its with their bf, or someone they were attracted to.

Not just some jackass off the street.

Thanks so much guys- keep 'em coming, hilarious.

rao said...

Oh man, I have done some fucked up shit. I actually didn't start wanking until I was 15 or 16, because I was raised Catholic and I thought it was a sin, but then a youth group teacher told a group of girls it wasn't a sin and so I started actively trying it (rather than the guilty-pillow-hump). I remember my first orgasm being such a complete shock. Like, how can something feel that good?
Before I was old enough/ brave enough to buy toys, I used a huge variety of things to get off, from markers to a bed post. I actually masturbated in the car once, on a trip with my family. I had a pillow and I put it over my lap and went at it as quietly as I could. To this day I'm not sure if my stepdad noticed or not - he was the only other person awake in the car. And the wanking was in spite of him and not because of him, just in case you were wondering... ew.

I never did the shower thing, but now I'm curious!

Heather said...

That was a really sweet story, Weasel.

I was 5 or 6, don't remember what prompted it.

And although I like watching guys get off, I'd prefer to request that from a partner rather than have some over-eager stranger offer it up in his personal ad.

Great photo w/ this entry too. Where'd you find that?

Weasel said...

I just found a site that had 10 pictures like that - all hilarious.

Wish I'd bookmarked it. I've saved them all though- you'll see them in upcoming entries.

CaliGirl9 said...

Little boys are so tortured by their penises ... those darn things have minds of their own, don't they?

Welcome back, Weas!

Anonymous said...

Weasel I just have to say I love funny boys and you are the funniest boy I have ever read. One of your best!

alvlin said...

unMuse: Oh, that kind of shit can leave you marked for years!

I was 11 and was halfway through puberty (my breasts popped from flat to C-cup at the age of 10) when my mother, an old hippie-inspired feminist of the ´68, decided I had to get to know my vagina. So, armed with a mirror, some baby-oil and educational scetches of female physiology, she was determined to lead me to sexual freedom. It failed. Sitting on the bed naked with a mirror between my legs, babyoil on my fingers pointing out my clit like it was some kind of biology exam at humiliation university made me never want to touch myself again.

I didn't discover masturbation until I was 16 and already had been sexually active for four years. And then, it only was because I decided it couldn't do that a girl my age didn't know how to get herself off. My pussy is still high maintenance, and I'm deeply jealous of women who can more or less come on command.


Men masturbating is sexy, funny and actually deeply arousing...

...if it's the right man. I have to care for him, tap into his pleasure on some level, be able to imagine what his skin would feel like beneath my fingers if I were the one doing him. That, quite naturally, includes wanting to touch him in the first place.

Guys like the one this ad? Yuck. Mechanical jocks spanking the monkey is just creepy. No, I don't adore your penis. I know much sexier men who has one just like it. ;)

BikerPuppy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BikerPuppy said...

I think this picture reflects the sentiment expressed in some of the posts here.

http://engrishfunny.com/2009/07/02/engrish-wonderful-shower

Nick said...

I'm 22 and I've never tried it. (Similar story to a lot of the posters above whose upbringings were religious.)

Weasel, these new posts where you add your own stories to your excoriations of the ads are great. I didn't think the older posts could be improved upon, but it seems they can.

casualencounters.com/blog said...

"Tickling the pearl"?

:/

Anonymous said...

Another glorious post; my favorite lines concerned the "partially chewed crackers spill from the open beaks of completely mortified ducks," your sister's letter "on Energizer letterhead," and the "rather fluid dialect of Vaginese paired with a charming Clittorish accent." Well worth the wait.

My first time sounds almost mundane compared to some of these- I'd been humping pillows since I was very young, and my parents had caught me and told me it was "dirty" and "sinful", which just made me be more discreet. My favorite stuffed animal has earned this position by having a hard plastic nose, which I found especially pleasurable to hump. It was nothing like the first video game to make the controller vibrate, though.

And my first tampon hurt, and I thought I was doing it incorrectly, until I succeeded in inserting it. That was my first orgasm via insertion- bubbly, glowy, euphoric, dizzying, beautiful. I must have sat on the counter for a half hour just laughing weakly and relaxing. I maintain that the tampon took my cherry, which was then absorbed by, um, the tampon.

Years later, my first lover was irritated and sad that I didn't own a vibrator. It took much longer than it should have to connect the continued pillow-humping and love of tampons with masturbating... and it took a while to learn to use my hands or a toy designed specifically for the purpose. Now I shop at "early2bed.com", for those looking for a pro-woman sex shop that ships discreetly... "tulip" and "babeland" are also really good.

Canaduck said...

Two things.

First, I was 6. I am totally amused to find out that I'm not the only girl who started early at all. Oh, and I agree that a guy masturbating CAN be hot...if he is hot, and under specific circumstances, and as long as he doesn't refer to his "beautiful cock".

Second, I am vegan and this cracked me up:

"What does it taste like?" my father would ask.

"Lies," I replied.

Anonymous said...

For those wondering what is a good vibrator....The Rabbit! Fantastic.

Anonymous said...

That's just hilarious! I kinda started feeling this nice sensation whenever I sat on the hot tub jets when I was 7 or 8. Didn't know what it was until my still religious mom took me on this retreat thing and I was like "So that's what it was...."

Anonymous said...

Technically-a-girl here. (ftm) I actually would want to see a guy go at it but that's not something I would use as a pick up line, along the lines of "MY FUCKING GOD DON'T SHOW ME YOUR PENIS YET WE HAVE NOT EVEN SPOKEN"

I discovered masturbating when I was very little and would usually use marbles (I liked that they were cold) until I discovered the wonders of modeling clay + saran wrap to keep it clean. Of course, I use the real thing, or an expensive rubber facsimile, now.

My mom did walk in on me a few times; the first I was rubbing up against the tail of my giant stuffed Meowth. Embarrassing!

Weas I am with the people who said this was cute. Hey, you may have talked to your dick, but at least you didn't orgasm to Digimon, right? (yes, yes I did. I'm not really into them any more but there was something about MechaGrayMon and Myotismon that I liked, specifically.)

Anonymous said...

I was five when I accidentally discovered how great the shower head could be. I was rinsing myself, it felt good, I kept going, and that was that. I remember my babysitter telling my dad that she never had a problem getting me to take a shower. We lived in a small house and we didn't have a bathtub. When we finally did move to a house with a bathtub, I discovered that that was just as nice.

However, I didn't discover that I actually had a vagina until I was about 11. For some reason, I never knew there was a hole there.

On the whole parents catching you thing...my dad walked in on me once while I was under the tub faucet. I was mortified. He left immediately and when I got out he said, "I know it feels good, but you really shouldn't do that."

That was all he ever said about it. I am still embarrassed to this day!

Thank you for sharing and letting us share here too. It's good to know that I'm not the only person who started early. It's also good to know that it's awkward for everyone...especially when you get caught. You are not alone! LOL.

genaeve said...

I think I threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Anonymous said...

lol oh the conversation with the penis... great stuff, weasel!

i apparently was too young to remember, but was told by my mother that when i was around 2 i was found rubbing my teddy bear on my "bottom" and having a mini-orgasm.

now that's what i call an early starter...

although i have heard of another story of a female fetus in a womb touching herself and her heart rate going up rapidly and then down to normal. so i can't be named the prodigy or anything... ;)

Anonymous said...

O.K. I think you like two write about your sexual exploits and have women tell you theirs. Very clever!!

Anonymous said...

That would be "to" not "two"

Maeve said...

This is a fantastic post followed by fantastic comments. I must contribute!

I started fooling around with myself around 12. Unfortunately, I thought it was all about insertion, and so I never got anywhere with it.

In high school I got so frustrated by never reaching a climax that I read article after article about female masturbation. I looked at pictures of anatomy, tried to figure out where everything was, and nothing worked!

It wasn't until I was 19, and my bf went down on me, did I realize what it was that felt good and how I could mimic it. Now, THAT was fantastic!

Also, I had always been afraid of vibrators, because I read all these stories about women getting desensitized from overuse and not being able to reach orgasm without a vibrator. Let me tell you, I gave up the fear the moment I felt it!

Anonymous said...

I was seven. I thought I had found a new form of exercise cause I was so tired afterwards, and excitedly showed my mom. I distinctly remember uttering the words "it even feels good when you finish!"
I think I may have to go lobotomize myself with a rusty scalpel now.

Anonymous said...

I think I was like 10. I humped a teddy bear like I had seen in porn and I'm not 100% sure that I orgasmed, I just remember doing it till I was really tired for some reason. This got really involved, to the point where I would fantasize that the teddy bear was my boyfriend/the pizza man/the boy in my class, and I would even fashion lingerie from the kiddie clothes I had in my closet. It was pretty bad. Poor teddy bear... that thing got kind of crusty, since I didn't really understand what was going on, and the dog really liked it too. I don't think my mom ever suspected anything. But then again, I can't hide anything from my mother, so she probably just spared me a great deal of humiliation.
I think I finally learned how to touch myself when I found out that my dad had the Playboy channel. I was like 13.

Megan said...

Having read through over half of these posts, it appears as though a lot of people feel weird about having begun to masturbate at a very young age. It is my understanding from doing a lot of informal research on human sexuality (stop laughing, I read a lot) that it's very normal for children to masturbate, even for babies to masturbate in the womb. We're born this way, you know. Those nerves work from (before) birth, and even if we don't know how to associate them with adult thoughts, it's natural to stimulate them.

Julie said...

I was five and felt the inclination to shove my crotch under the running bathtub faucet.

Infront of my mother.

She never did fully recover.

Tribblehappy said...

Erm, well. I don't remember my "first time" since I began experimenting at a very young age, six or possibly younger.

I would tell myself stories as I lay in bed at night, and at some point this evolved into me laying on my stomach, hands underneath me, rubbing myself against my hands until the story was "over". When I was very little, I equated this to having to go to the bathroom (don't ask why, I don't know). I'd wait until I really had to pee, then tell myself a story.

Some years later I walked down the hall to ask my mom what an orgasm was. She got all red and flustered and said something about men ejaculating. "No," I said, "I know that; I'm talking about women."

"It's, um, mostly just a feeling," my mom said. Right then and there I knew that I'd been orgasming all these years without realizing what it was.

Unfortunately, having done it the same way since childhood, i've never been able to get off from sex. Luckily, I enjoy sex just fine without needing to orgasm.

Anonymous said...

Sex talk came into my life early. My father molested my sister when I was five. One time I caught them and I ratted my sister out thinking she would get in trouble: It changed everything.

There were counselors, and sex talks, and court hearings. All the while everyone kept saying what a perfectly natural thing sex was, with embarrassed faces.

I suspect that these internet adds you post come from an ugly truth about sex. We're taught when we're young to be ashamed. The words "its natural and beautiful" don't cover up the real emotions parents have. And children pick up on those.

I started masturbating when I was six. I felt guilty about it until I was twenty. I still turn a deep shade of magenta when people talk about sex, even though I've been talking abut sex since I was five.

xenobiologista said...

One of the many many things I still don't understand about the USA is why the kind of shower head that's on the end of a hose instead of attached to the wall still hasn't caught on. They're great, and I'm not just talking about masturbation but personal hygiene in general, not to mention making it a lot easier to clean the bath tub. Anyway, back on topic...I used to spend a lot of time playing with the shower spray around when I hit puberty. But I didn't have orgasms until much later.

Anonymous said...

xenobiologista >

I've been wondering that for years! It makes bathing yourself, children and dogs soooo much eaiser. I don't know how people stand to take a bath and not rinse themselves off afterwards (in a garden tub), gross. Yet, when I move into a new house I get 'the look' when I have the plumber over to install the shower wand. He knows damn well why women like the wand.

Anonymous said...

Hot tub jets.

Anonymous said...

I've been doing it so long I don't remember. All I remember is knowing it was personal and everyone did it but it was a no no to talk about. My parents never gave me 'the talk'. About sex, boys or masturbation. I swore I would at least educate my children. Well the time has come (lol, come) and it's become evident they need the talk. I'm not weird about talking about it but I am afraid of TMI. I would make their father do it (he'd know about boys, right?) but he's too busy pretending sex is a myth and no one really has a penis.

Anonymous said...

I'm 25 now. No religious upbringing, no abuse... just the normal amount of shame and insecurity I think most American children grow up with. I'm perfectly comfortable talking about sex and sex acts with people other than my immediate family. As in, we could be having this conversation rather loudly at a cafe and I'd be perfectly comfortable..

I lost my virginity at 18, after staving off the then boyfriend for almost 2 years (I wanted to finish high school first and evade Murphy's Law), with anything but penetration, so I wasn't exactly unfamiliar with sexual arousal. My current friend-with-benefits had to really talk me into masturbating when I was about 20, which I only complied with because I knew it'd make him happy. Yeah, eh. Take it or leave it experience, really.

I've *never* managed to orgasm - not with oral, not with penetration, not with toys (personally, I love the Doc Johnson Lucid Dreams #26 g-spot, double bullet vibe!!). It's very frustrating to me emotionally and physically, although my partner is very accepting (and has been for years). Perhaps as a result of this inability to orgasm, I've never gotten into masturbating. I've tried it without him watching, after long periods of travel-induced deprivation, etc but it's more frustrating to be able to get (what I think is) really close, screaming, writhing... and then nothing. Oh well.

Anonymous said...

Anon @4:12

I hear ya. I had trouble orgasming up until recently. I just stopped trying. I'd masturbate because it was relaxing and stopped expecting something and bam! There it was. Keep at it, some of us are just late bloomers.

Anonymous said...

I was 14 when I found out I could hose down an attic too but as a female it took years to find out that other women can do that too.

and no it's not pee & all the books that talk about a tbl of fluid are off by a gallon.

I can lose 5 lbs after a good nite with my husband ;)

Anonymous said...

Well holy crap. Your writing just gets more entertaining. Or maybe you're just opening up more? :) In any case, thanks for sharing, that was fantastic.

And I was 14.

JLee said...

I think it could be erotic in certain circumstances, but leave the Penny Loafers out of the equation. ha
"as if she's watching someone process a stool sample" lol

Anonymous said...

"as partially chewed crackers spill from the open beaks of completely mortified ducks."

Oh. My. God. Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Anonymous said...

I was at an early age when i discovered the joys of touching/rubbing down there. But I never had an O till the detachable showerhead! I also find rubbing/gently scratching with my nails down there while my undies are on enjoyable. But believe me! We certainly have a detachable showerhead in my home! My cousin as well figured out on her own what joys the showerhead can do. The Sex Ed class I took in college showed a video with one scene where the woman used a hottub jet, but i still prefer the showerhead. Playing with the settings for the different streams can be Very enjoyable.

Anonymous said...

seriously ladies... invest in "The Rabbit" and you'll never touch a back massager or electric toothbrush again. Promise.

when i was about 4 i discovered that if i crossed my legs and squeezed really hard something wonderfully warm and fuzzy happened often multiple times..... then my mom caught me and, being religious as my family was, explained why it was vile and wrong... i couldnt figure out why if it was so bed it felt so good..

unfortunately i am one of those girls who has to have a little something extra to orgasm, thank goodness someone invented The Rabbit...

Anonymous said...

I think I started pillow-humping somewhere around 6 or 7, and developed fantasies about being kidnapped and tied up by age 10. I got a buzz out of it, but no orgasm. I didn't hear the term 'masturbation' until several years later. I tried the recommended methods, and wasn't impressed. It was relaxing, I guess, but so's a backrub or a good cup of tea.

Fast forward to getting married. Sex was good, I guess, but what's the big deal? I finally talked to my doctor and discovered that a medication I'd been on long-term was preventing the Big O. She had options for me, in my case the best plan was to add on a second drug that reduces the side effects of the first.

Of course, right as that got corrected, other *ahem* biological problems arose. It's really hard to enjoy sex when there's pain involved. (Cue screams of frustration.) So that's being worked on as well. This weekend should be the moment of truth, keep your fingers crossed for me ladies.

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, there are plenty of women out there who do enjoy watching. I've been asked my 4 different women over the years if they could watch me masturbate. I tried it a few times out of request, but I felt it was very weird.....I didn't like it. It's like having somebody watch you take a piss.....I'd get stage fright and couldn't finish.

Other than that though, I've had no problem doing it in private. I discovered masturbation on my own when I was 10(I matured faster than most boys).

My wife on the other hand, came from a very conservative family where sex simply wasn't talked about. She'd never had an orgasm before me. It always upset me deeply that I couldn't give her an orgasm. I asked her if she had one on her own and she said she'd never tried. I had to convince her to try it out on herself, knowing that if she couldn't figure out how to do it on her own, I'd never be able to do it for her. After several unsuccessful tries she finally accomplished the deed. Now, several years later, she gets off during sex earlier than I do most of the time. Though I have no problem giving her a helping hand if I cross the goal first.

Emelie said...

I had been having these feelings down below for a long time. Like a sudden and very intense feeling of having to go to the bathroom. Always while reading and, as mysteries were my genre of choice, generally while someone was tied up. But I thought nothing of them then and only in hindsight am I starting to put two and two together.

Actual masturbation I discovered rather late into my freshman year of college. I knew that guys could, and did, do it, but was not aware that such a thing was possible for females as well.

I was actually watching the Grey's Anatomy spin-off, Private Practice, when they discussed the virtues of masturbation, specifically with a showerhead. Well, dorms don't come with such amenities, so I made do with what I had, namely a banana wrapped in plastic wrap. I hadn't a clue what I was doing, but assumed that the general shape of a penis might be of some use.

It took two or three good long months of trial and error (and error and error and error), but it was well worth the frustration and aggravation when, all of a sudden, this most intense sensation of, and the only way I can think to describe it, blossoming flooded between my legs. They spasmed and it was over in a second, but that feeling? I can't believe I had waited twenty years for it.

Anonymous said...

i knew what an "orgasm" was, but didn't think running water could do it. so in the bathtub, i named this orgasm-sensation "VH" for "vaginal high" and took detailed notes (in code, of course) in my diary. i thought it was the sensation of my vagina filling with water and then finally overflowing. i thought it might be bad for me, to have so much water inside of me. i was 11.

Sarah Elizabeth said...

"What does it taste like?" my father would ask.

"Lies," I replied.

----

I really should NOT read this when I am consuming any kind of beverage. I prefer to think of myself as lady-like, but the arterial spray of me spitting out my coffee was something else.

Oh and let's see...how old was I? No more than four or so when I discovered it. And I had zero shame about it, thank goodness. :-)

Anonymous said...

When I was 20, my guy friend was shocked and appalled to find that I had never masturbated. He told me what to do and I cringed and exclaimed that was nasty and I'd never try such a thing.

20 minutes later, I was singing his praises. I still thank god for that friend, even though we no longer speak.

Prior to 20, I had no interest in masturbation. I lost my virginity at 16. I learned about sexual arousal at 15. It never ocurred to me to touch myself prior to that.

Michelle said...

My embarrassing story happened at school. I used to cross my legs while I was sitting, and I realized when I was really young that by increasing the pressure, I felt the buzz. But then I started moving my hips. At school. During dinner.

No one told me that I was doing anything inappropriate.

B. said...

I just discovered this blog today, and I'm loving it.

First experience: My mother telling me to quit playing with myself. I was about 3.

At about 9 or 10, I started getting weird sexual feelings. They showed up at inappropriate times, mostly. Like during church.

Lost my virginity at 19. My BF fingered me to the point of orgasm, and then I stopped him, because it felt like I was going to pee. Yes, I know.

A couple years later, I was married and had my daughter. Some well-meaning soul gave us this device that would clip onto my daughter's bouncy seat. It vibrated. I felt absolutely no guilt in misappropriating the device. SOMEBODY owed me an orgasm!

Since then, I've burned out about ten vibrators (possibly more, but a lady doesn't have to reveal ALL of her ex-lovers). I recently rediscovered the joy of, er, manual labor, but at some point I'll probably order the oft-praised Hitachi Magic Wand. It'll help with my carpal-tunnel syndrome, I bet.

My husband bought a Magic Bullet earlier this year, and I too was confused at first. Makes good salsa, though. :)

Mark said...

Oh please...

Like all the crap women write in their personal sand fantasize about does anything for men, right? Get over your complex and realize that being male is not inherently wrong and indulging women at every turn does not make you right.

Oh yeah, and by the way, some women do VERY MUCH enjoy watching their man masturbate. It's not my problem that many women are not sexually or psychologically healthy enough to embrace male sexuality...

Anonymous said...

If you hate being male, hate men, and hate your sexulaity so much, why don't you go in for an operation? It seems you'd be happier with a vagina.

The only thing more pathetic than a man who is too full of his own sexuality, is a man who is ashamed of it.

Anonymous said...

so, i must be a little weird, because i love to watch my boyfriend jack off.

rozydesouza said...

I was playing games online however for reading this post more interesting thanks for the share please do keep it going great job....Loveing this.

Cheers,

___________________
rozy
Increase your brand popularity overnight

Anonymous said...

This ad sounds just like the jailed guy with the infamous "wife demands" four page document...

Shiver

Octohawk said...

I was reprimanded in kindergarten during nap time. I distinctly remember the teacher telling me "that is NOT napping."

And I guess I'm weird since I seem to be one of the only girls who actually does get turned on watching my boyfriend pleasure himself. I have to ask him to do it! I love it..

Octohawk said...

Side note- I discovered my love for being dominated while watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was little. Someone knocked out April and threw her over their shoulder and carried her away. I must've watched that scene a million times, but never knew why until I was older. Makes perfect sense now..

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出張ホスト said...

女性会員様増加につき、当サイトの出張ホストが不足中です。女性の自宅やホテルに出向き、欲望を満たすお手伝いをしてくれる男性アルバイトをただいま募集していますので、興味のある方はTOPページから無料登録をお願いいたします

家出 said...

最近様々なメディアで紹介されている家出掲示板では、全国各地のネットカフェ等を泊り歩いている家出少女のメッセージが多数書き込みされています。彼女たちはお金がないので掲示板で知り合った男性とすぐに遊びに行くようです。あなたも書き込みに返事を返してみませんか

救援部 said...

オ○ニーライフのお手伝い、救援部でHな見せたがり女性からエロ写メ、ムービーをゲットしよう!近所の女の子なら実際に合ってHな事ができちゃうかも!?夏で開放的になっている女の子と遊んじゃおう

逆援助 said...

メル友募集のあそび場「ラブフリー」はみんなの出逢いを応援する全国版の逆援助コミュニティーです!女の子と真剣にお付き合いしたい方も、複数の女性と戯れたい方も今すぐ無料登録からどうぞ

倶楽部 said...

簡単にお小遣い稼ぎをしたい方必見、当サイト逆¥倶楽部では無料登録して女性の性の欲求に応えるだけのアルバイトです。初心者でもすぐに高収入の逆¥交際に興味をもたれた方はTOPページまでどうぞ。

samantha said...

The level of openness and honesty that you're capable of in posts like this one is truly remarkable. I salute you for that. Keep up the hilarious good work on this blog. :)
Samantha
Wireless Home Alarm Security Systems

プロフ公開 said...

サイト作成は初めてでぇす。プロフは友達も作ってたので私も頑張って作成しました。プロフもってる人はメル友になって見せ合いっこしませんか?メアドのせてるので連絡ください。love-friend0925@docomo.ne.jp

素人 said...

男性が主役の素人ホストでは、女性の体を癒してあげるだけで高額な謝礼がもらえます。欲求不満な人妻や、男性と出逢いが無い女性が当サイトで男性を求めていらっしゃいます。興味のある方はTOPページからどうぞ

SM度チェッカー said...

あなたのSM度をかんたん診断、SM度チェッカーで隠された性癖をチェック!真面目なあの娘も夜はドS女王様、ツンデレなあの子も実はイジめて欲しい願望があるかも!?コンパや飲み会で盛り上がること間違いなしのおもしろツールでみんなと盛り上がろう

Anonymous said...

awesome post, you build it up perfectly and i laughed so hard at the perfect rhythm of i put it in my pants.
i rarely laugh aloud at things i see on the internet, but i couldn't help myself.

i learned about sex at a really early age, (about seven) and was completely obsessed with it after first discovering what the actual trick to it was. (weiner... in a girl's TWINKIE!?!?!) i looked at porn websites (by searching for "naked man's penis" on aol) and read sex scenes in my mother's books over and over. (i was way too advanced a reader for my own good.)
anyway, i first started trying to masturbate once i hit eleven or twelve, which was when i realized women, and not just men, could do it. i didn't know how, but i knew orgasms sounded nifty and i wanted one. i tried a lot of different techniques, finally...

okay, this is the embarassing part.
woooof. i need to get this off my chest, already.

finally, i took my spongebob electric toothbrush and tried moving it around until it felt good. i was maybe thirteen. i had an orgasm after a couple of minutes, and all i remember is shaking a lot, realizing what had happened, and thinking "that was it?!?!?!?!
porn had made them seem so much better to a child than they really were, or maybe my imagination was, once again, more vivid than the reality.
i love them now, of course. but i had been so disappointed.
i just read this over and i sound so fucked up, haha. oh well, the point is sharing, and share i shall.

セフレ said...

男性なら一人くらいは作ってみたいセフレですが、実は女性もいつでもSEXしたいときにできる友達がほしいと思っているのです。そのような彼女たちの欲求を満たしてあげませんか

デリバリーホスト said...

女性向け風俗サイトで出張デリバリーホストをしてみませんか?時給2万円の高額アルバイトです。無料登録をしてあとは女性からの呼び出しを待つだけなので、お試し登録も歓迎です。興味をもたれた方は今すぐどうぞ。

家出 said...

「家出してるんで、泊まるところないですか?」家出掲示板には毎日このような女の子からの書き込みがされています。彼女たちは家やホテルに泊まらせてあげたり、遊んであげるだけであなたに精一杯のお礼をしてくれるはずです

チェッカー said...

SM度チェッカーで隠された性癖をチェック!外見では分からない男女のSM指数をチェックして相性のいい相手を見つけ、SMプレイしてみよう!合コンや飲み会で盛り上がること間違いなしのおもしろツールをみんなとやってみよう

熟女サークル said...

性欲のピークを迎えたセレブ熟女たちは、お金で男性を買うことが多いようです。当、熟女サークルでは全国各地からお金持ちのセレブたちが集まっています。女性から男性への報酬は、 最低15万円からとなっております。興味のある方は一度当サイト案内をご覧ください

メル友募集中 said...

プロフ見た感想を携帯アドの方に送ってください。悪口は気が病むので止めておいて欲しいですjewely.jmtjd@docomo.ne.jp

グリー said...

ネットで恋人探しなら、グリーをおすすめします。ここからあなたの理想の恋愛関係がはじまります。純粋な出会いから、割り切ったエッチな出会いまで何でもあります。ミクシーから女の子が大量流入中!ココだけの話、今が狙い目です

玉の輿度チェッカー said...

当サイトは、みんなの「玉の輿度」をチェックできる性格診断のサイトです。ホントのあなたをズバリ分析しちゃいます!玉の輿度には、期待以上の意外な結果があるかも

モバゲー said...

モバゲー発の友達探しコミュニティー、出逢い広場は簡単な無料登録するだけで使い放題でメンバー同士、気軽にメッセージのやり取りが出来るよ!モバゲー好きの女の子と出逢いのチャンスがあるかも!?詳しくはTOPページにアクセスしてみよう

セレブ said...

セレブラブでは心とカラダに癒しを求めるセレブ女性と会って頂ける男性を募集しています。セレブ女性が集まる当サイトではリッチな彼女たちからの謝礼を保証、安心して男性はお金、女性は体の欲求を満たしていただけます。興味がある方は当サイトトップページからぜひどうぞ

プロフ said...

携帯アドのせておきました。恥ずかしい写真とか乗せてるけど、許してください。ネット友達探してるのでよかったら連絡ください。for-a-sweetheart@docomo.ne.jp

ゲイ said...

ゲイの数が飛躍的に増えている現代、彼らの出逢いの場は雑誌やハッテン場からネットに移り変わってきています。当サイトは日本最大のゲイ男性の交流の場を目指して作られました。おかげさまで会員数も右肩上がりに伸びています。ゲイの方や興味のある方はぜひ当サイトをご覧ください。

wakemenow said...

I've masturbated as far back as I can remember and was caught on numerous occasions "fiddling" with myself during nap-time in early grade school. Got busted playing with other girls soon thereafter, much to my and their parents' chagrin. Some of us just came out this way, and there seems no good reason to be ashamed.

Hand-held shower heads are awesome, I concur. Kept me entertained during my early teen years, but I'd love to install one even today. :)

名言チェッカー said...

簡単な設問に答えるだけで貴方にふさわしい名言がわかる、名言チェッカー!あなたの本当の性格を見抜けちゃいます。世界の偉人達が残した名言にはどことなく重みがあるものです

家出 said...

家出した少女たちは今晩泊る所がなく、家出掲示板で遊び相手を探しているようです。ご飯をおごってあげたり、家に泊めてあげるだけで彼女たちは体でお礼をしてくれる娘が多いようです

素人 said...

さびしい女性や、欲求不満な素人女性たちを心も体も癒してあげるお仕事をご存じですか?女性宅やホテルに行って依頼主の女性とHしてあげるだけで高額の謝礼を手に入れる事が出来るのです。興味のある方は当サイトTOPページをご覧ください

公開プロフ said...

最近いい事ない人集合!話聞いて欲しいって時ないですか?やけに寂しいんですよね。私も聞くので私のも聞いてください。メアド乗せておくのでメールから始めましょうfull-of-hope@docomo.ne.jp

高額アルバイト said...

性欲を持て余し、欲求不満になっている女性を金銭の対価を得て、癒して差し上げるお仕事です。参加にあたり用紙、学歴等は一切問いません。高額アルバイトに興味のある方はぜひどうぞ

グリー said...

グリーで広げよう、掲示板の輪!グリーから飛び出た出会いの掲示板が楽しめるのはここだけ、無料登録するだけで友達・趣味トモ・恋人が探せちゃいます

右脳左脳チェッカー said...

パーティーや合コンでも使える右脳左脳チェッカー!あなたの頭脳を分析して直観的な右脳派か、理詰めな左脳派か診断出来ます。診断結果には思いがけない発見があるかも!みんなで診断して盛り上がろう

救援部 said...

救援部ではHな女の子のオナ写メが無料で見れちゃいます。また好奇心旺盛でいろんな事をしてみたい女の子たちが自分の一人Hを手伝ってくれる男性を探しています。ここでヤればヤるほどキレイになると信じている女の子達と遊んでみませんか

野外露出 said...

野外露出の掟・・・それはいかに通報されないで脱ぐかですが、合法的に露出プレイを楽しめる方法があるのをご存じですか?当サイトで露出パートナーを探したりプレイ出来る場所を提供を探したり出来るのです。興味のある方はどうぞ

出張ホスト said...

女性会員様増加につき、出張ホストのアルバイトが不足中です。ホテルや女性の自宅に出向き、彼女たちの欲望を満たすお手伝いをしてくれる男性アルバイトをただいま募集しております。興味のある方はTOPページをご覧ください

友達募集 said...

美容院いってきた記念に写メを更新しました。結構気に入ってるんですけどどうですか?メール乗せておくのでメッセお待ちしてるなりmiracle.memory@docomo.ne.jp

家出掲示板 said...

最近雑誌やTVで紹介されている家出掲示板では、全国各地のマンガ喫茶等を泊り歩いている家出少女のメッセージが多数書き込みされています。彼女たちはお金がないので掲示板で知り合った男性の家にでもすぐに遊びに行くようです。あなたも書き込みに返事を返してみませんか

勝ち組負け組 said...

人生において君は、勝ち組なのか負け組なのか!これからの将来を診断する勝ち組、負け組チェッカーをあなたも体験してみない?勝ち組になりたいのならココで診断してて損はない♪みんなでやっても大盛り上がりの勝ち組、負け組チェッカーはココから今すぐ診断

高級チェリー said...

高級チェリーの秋は童貞卒業のシーズンです。童貞を食べたい女性達もウズウズしながら貴方との出会いを待っています。そんなセレブ達に童貞を捧げ、貴方もハッピーライフをってみませんか

童貞 said...

童貞を奪ってみたい女性たちは、男性にとって「初体験」という一生に一度だけの、特別なイベントを共に心に刻み込むことを至上の喜びにしているのです。そんな童貞好きな女性たちと最高のSEXをしてみませんか

プロフ said...

プロフ作ったわいいけど見てくれる人いなくて少し残念な気分に陥ってます。意見でもいいので見た方がいましたら一言コメント送ってくだしゃいメアドのせているのでよろしくでしゅapotheosis@docomo.ne.jp

乱交パーティー said...

乱交パーティー実施サークル、「FREE SEX NET」では人に見られること、人に見せつける事が大好きな男女が集まり、乱交パーティーを楽しむサークルです。参加条件は「乱交が好きな18歳以上の健康な方」です。興味がある方はぜひ当サイトをご覧ください

盗撮掲示板 said...

全国各地の名うての盗撮のプロたちが自身のコレクションを密かに交換する、完全会員制・盗撮掲示板。門外不出のここでしか見られないお宝ばかりです。話題のhaman動画よりヤバイ動画をゲットしよう

精神年齢 said...

あなたの秘められた精神年齢をチェックできる診断サイトです。ここであなたの実際の精神年齢が簡単な質問でわかっちゃいます。普段は子供っぽいあの人も実は大人の思考の持ち主で子供っぽく振舞ってるだけかも知れませんよ

家出 said...

家出している女の子と遊んでみませんか?彼女たちはお金に困っているので、掲示板で知り合ったいろんな男の家を泊り歩いている子も多いのです。そんな子たちとの出逢いの場を提供しています

gree said...

ネットで恋人探しなら、greeをおすすめします。ここからあなたの理想の恋愛関係が始まります。純粋な出逢いから、割り切ったHな出逢いまで何でもあります。ミクシーから女の子が大量流入中!ココだけの話、今が狙い目です

逆¥交際 said...

出会ぃも今は逆¥交際!オンナがオトコを買う時代になりました。当サイトでは逆援希望の女性が男性を自由に選べるシステムを採用しています。経済的に成功を収めた女性ほど金銭面は豊かですが愛に飢えているのです。いますぐTOPページからどうぞ

プロフ said...

世界の中心で貴方を叫ぶような恋がしたいんです。愛に飢えているゆいと恋バナ話ませんか?メアドのっけてるので気になる方は連絡頂戴ねuna-cima@docomo.ne.jp

人生の値段チェッカ said...

今までの人生経験を診断できる人生の値段チェッカー!経験豊富な君の人生は一体何点なのか?みんなでやれば超楽しい、芸能人達もやってる人生の値段チェック!テレビや口コミで広がっている人生の値段チェッカーをあなたも体感してみよう

Anonymous said...

ah ha ha, thank God I'm like 200 posts in on a post from June so no one will ever see this, but I actually do sometimes fantasize about male masturbation. not just ANY guy or ANY situation- if I walked in on some guy at the library wanking himself to the comic books or National geographic or what have you, I'd be horrified. But you know, in my mind, I can conjure up a situation where it's actually quite sexy! (It took eight years for me to tell my boyfriend this. Though, after he discovered my secret perversion, he was more than happy to reenact! I had no idea boys liked to show off that much.) So yeah. Some girls have weird-ass kinks. What can ya do.
On the first time subject, lets see... I was 16, I had my first job, and my work pants were a little too tight and rubbed against me strangely all day. So when I got home from work, I would hide in my room behind the bed, and without even taking my pants off, I rubbed that spot with a sharpie marker. For a period of time, I did this after every shift! Always used the same marker too. I remember I had these posters around my bed, and while I was at it I always imagined the boys in my posters watching me and thinking, "ew that's gross, I don't want to see that." It made me so ashamed!

出張ホスト said...

女性向け風俗サイトで出張ホストをしてみませんか?時給2万円以上の高額アルバイトです。無料登録をしてあとは女性からの呼び出しを待つだけでOK、お試し登録も歓迎です。興味をもたれた方は今すぐどうぞ。

人生の値段 said...

人生の値段を診断してみませんか?自分の価値を診断してあなたの生涯年収、人間としての価格が丸裸になります。友達と一緒にチャレンジして絆を深めよう

エロ動画 said...

流出からハメ撮りまでマニアも満足のエロ動画満載、抜きたくなったらチャットでサックと約束、有無を言わさずサックと中出し、便器女を簡単get出来るサイトです

若妻 said...

セレブと言われる世の若妻は男に飢えています、特に地位が邪魔して出会いが意外と少ないから、SEXサークルを通じて日頃のストレス発散に毎日男を買い漁っています。ここは彼女達ご用達の口コミサイトです

家出 said...

一人で家出したんだけど助けてほしいです。今まで強がってました。もう親には頼れない…super-love.smile@docomo.ne.jp

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