Sunday, June 28, 2009

Mastur-Nation

Cum Watch! - 40m

Hung single stud loves showing off to young ladies in my sexy speedos and women who fantasize about watching me jack off in public!

Im a straight guy that loves to show my stuff. I really want you to do nothing but sit next to me or catch me jacking off. Its that easy, I'm good looking with a nice package and huge cum shooter! Let's meet in XXXXXX Park for a show you'll never forget!

OR I can just come over and strip and jerk off for your viewing pleasure. It's better then watching porn or using your imagination. You can touch me when you are very turned on and overcome with your horniness. I love to perform for groups of women!

Does the thought of a well hung stud playing with himself make you curious? Do you want to catch me playing with myself in public? Are your fingers making their way to your panties thinking about my cock?

Let's talk now to satisfy your stud fantasies! Let's watch my beautiful cock explode!

Sean

As men, we often wonder what fantasies play out in a woman's mind while she masturbates. I always imagine a world of vivid colors, winged unicorns, and sparkling, complex characters, all set adrift in a sea of brand-name furniture and towels folded into attractive, presentable squares. I know it's nothing like what goes through my mind when I masturbate. I'm a guy; I can jerk off to a bus schedule.

Yet some guys wholly neglect to consider the actual substance of women's fantasies, instead projecting their own fantasies into the minds of women. Guys like Sean for example, whose personal ad might suggest women actually fantasize about encountering a pantsless man in penny loafers and a mid-century beekeeping helmet, masturbating furiously in a public park as partially chewed crackers spill from the open beaks of completely mortified ducks.

Throw in a car bomb, Sean, and you've got yourself a fantasy.

Sean ultimately fails to arouse women with his completely implausible theory however, as evidenced by my recently divorced sister reading Sean's personal ad and subsequently facing first-degree arson charges for attempting to burn down her own vagina. "I've given up on men," she wrote to me a few weeks later on Energizer letterhead, "If I need an orgasm, I can grease my own hamster."

Yet I admit in moments of kink and weakness, I've often asked my own girlfriend to watch me play with myself, which always sounds like a good idea until I see that horribly pained expression on her face, as if she's watching someone process a stool sample.

I can't blame her. I don't possess the erotic appeal of a muscled Portugese foot soldier carrying a tray of delightfully chilled cantaloupe cubes, nor do I speak that rather fluid dialect of Vaginese paired with a charming Clittorish accent that so many women find endearing. I'm a pretty plain guy and I've seen myself masturbate, and believe me, you wouldn't exactly compare my pathetic onanistic gyrations to the muted grace of a swan taking flight; rather, I look more like I'm shucking an ear of corn while giving birth to an abnormally large pheasant.

Indeed, men have utilized masturbation for centuries, primarily as a means to relieve ourselves of pent-up sexual desires. Our brains produce far more sperm than we can distribute in the intended fashion, no thanks to a brain that constantly comes up with such inspiring barstool zingers as "Excuse me ma'am, but would you like to see to see something swell?"

In fact, research shows prehistoric non-dominant males often masturbated upwards of ten times a day, suggesting dominant males often thought twice before diving into that evening's salad dressing. Unable to copulate with females because they couldn't build a fire or throw a rock for shit, submissive males frequently excused themselves from the cave, saying "I need to go slay a mastodon."

Slay the mastodon, indeed, my friends. We didn't call you guys Homo Erectus for nothing.

"God" didn't come around for another thousand years or so, so researchers still cannot speculate what prehistoric men moaned as they ejaculated.

Now, all of us have masturbated at one point or another, and in today's bonus section, WWHM unfortunately chose to step across a line from which we now cannot return.

Because today, my friends, if you wish to proceed beyond this point, you will suffer through the completely mortifying and embarrassing story about the first time we accidentally "stumbled" across masturbation as a youth. Likely, you will find the story an extreme case of "too much information." But we've all done it, and I'm just laying out a painful re-creation of the events that led up to my "discovery" so you can all have a good laugh at my expense.

Subjecting myself to the inhuman torture of relaying this story to you has tormented me for days. If you ever meet me in public and mention this story, please bring clean rags because I will be forced to shoot myself on the spot, and I don't want to soil your lovely new handbag.

Remember, proceed at your own risk.

I grew up on an isolated farm in a hippie community about 25 miles west of Seattle. We were hippies in every sense of the word; we made our own cheese, protested nuclear submarines, and used the word "burlap" as a verb.

Like most hippie families, my parents openly despised modern accoutrements and preferred to live off the land as nature intended. We grew our own food in a garden, and raised our own meat in a barn. My brothers and I meticulously raised, fed and befriended our barn animals, which my father then brutally slaughtered and served to us atop a steaming potato.

"Survival of the fittest!" he would joyfully pronounce, imploring us to simply wipe away our tears and dig in to the limbs, hearts, and minds of our closest friends.

"What does it taste like?" my father would ask.

"Lies," I replied.

Keeping in tune with nature I suppose, my parents regularly walked about the farmhouse naked. Nary a day passed when I wouldn't cross my father performing some menial farm task as if he had simply forgotten to put on clothes. Carrying a bushel of apples towards the farmhouse, his genitals flopped about wildly, as if performing a tribal dance dedicated to the joys of freedom and the value of choice.

I never felt awkward about my parents' nudity, but I certainly felt awkward about my own. Fully exposed to the elements before a shower, I would instinctively lock my knees and cup my genitals as if sequestering a small, argumentative bird. I don't know where the inclination came from, yet I remember always thinking that nudity was for adults only.

Around my eleventh birthday however, strange things started happening to my brain. Although I steadfastly held to my belief that girls were disgusting, vile creatures that spread disease and smelled bad, I began to look at them just a little bit differently for the first time.

Specifically, I developed an insane desire to lick the arms and legs of the pretty little girls in my class. I didn't know why and I never acted on the inclination, but girls' skin just looked so incredibly delicious, much like a steaming cookie. This, despite the fact if a girl actually touched me, I had to spend at least 15 minutes with my boyhood friends faux-spraying the point of contact with an imaginary can of high-grade disinfectant.

Though I didn't know it at the time, this was my first brush with my sexuality. I couldn't explain my desire to snack on the extremities of my female classmates, and I certainly wasn't mature enough to accurately connect the body buzz I felt with my newfound fascination with licking girls. It was just a strange, enjoyable buzz, and I didn't know how else to replicate it.

But then I discovered a new method.

I was sitting in my room one day tackling some of the important issues I faced as an eleven year-old boy, namely replicating tractor noises and drawing dinosaurs that killed people with lasers. My parents weren't around that particular day, so I was feeling a little mischievous. I remember sitting on my bed staring at the wall, trying to figure out what to do, when suddenly a little voice came into my head.

"Take your clothes off," it said.

It wasn't a suggestion, but more of a command. As usual, I didn't particularly want to take my clothes off, but I promptly did as I was told. I felt pretty dumb sitting in my room naked, but I felt that weird buzz coming on again, the same one I felt when I thought about chewing on a pair of skinny little thighs. I liked it.

"Go walk around the house naked," the voice said.

Six months earlier, you may as well have asked me to go kick my neighbors psychotic, man-eating horse in the shins, but for some reason this day I just said, "OK." I peeked out my door and saw the coast was clear, so I started walking around the house buck naked. My body was totally buzzing with some weird form of anticipation that I couldn't quite decipher, and it just barely overwhelmed my intense fear of my parents coming home and catching me nude, locking me up in an insane asylum, and feeding the keys to my moronic goats that regularly dined on coat hangers and tractor parts anyway.

After a couple minutes of walking around, something weird happened. I looked down at my penis and suddenly realized it was standing upright, reaching out as if trying to retrieve a snack item or summons a passing cat. Mortified, I ran back upstairs and threw my clothes back on, unsure of what had just transpired. Fortunately, putting my clothes back on seemed to tame my "problem." It had happened before in my sleep, sure, but never during the day.

The following week when my parents were away again, the voice came back, and this time I only pretended to not want to take my clothes off. I wanted to feel that buzz again, and nothing would stop me. "If I have to," I sighed to no one in particular, throwing my clothes off as if they were in flames.

But this time, my annoying "problem" surfaced almost immediately. "What the hell?" I thought. As if I didn't feel odd enough parading around the farmhouse naked, now I had to deal with this irretractable bird perch sticking directly out of my thorax. I wanted the buzz, but I didn't want this "problem" to interfere with my enjoyment of it.

I eventually learned I only could tame my "problem" by pre-occupying myself with boring activities while I was walking around naked. I'd stop by the couch and leaf through my father's scientific periodicals, or take my clothes off and then, in a stupid fake voice, say to myself "Well, I better go find that set of keys. I could put my clothes on, but, hey, it will only take a second to find the keys so why bother? I don't need clothes to look for keys!" Then I'd spend hours walking around the property naked looking for keys that I knew damn well were sitting in my pants pocket in my room.

Eventually I even walked around outside the farmhouse stark naked, which probably surprised people driving by on the freeway next to our house. "Oh my God," an old couple might exclaim, turning their heads as they passed, "I think I just saw a wingless fairy with an erection in that horse pasture."

As the months progressed however, the more difficult taming my "problem" became. No matter what I did or thought about, the minute I took my clothes off my annoying "problem" popped up like the door lock on a car. Out of solutions, I decided that my "problem" could do what it damn well pleased and it wouldn't stop me from walking around naked and getting my buzz.

I went into the attic and sat in a chair, wondering what to do about this newfound predicament. Staring angrily at my "problem", I suddenly realized where that peculiar and demanding "voice" had been coming from. The voice that always told me to take off my clothes, the voice that had tricked me into making applesauce in the nude. And it was standing at attention right in front of me. It was, in fact, the voice of my "problem."

Stunned at the realization, my penis and I then engaged in what forever will be known as "The Conversation." My penis and I had reached a showdown, two stubborn gunslingers meeting on opposite sides of the town square. I wanted my "body buzz", and he always had to swell up like a threatened pufferfish every time I took my pants off. There obviously wasn't enough room in this town for the two of us.

And as I sat in my chair, sweating in the August heat, so began the infamous Conversation:

Penis: Hey there, little fella.

Me: Oh, uh, um ... hey.

Penis: Sooooooooooo. (Insert innocent whistling.) Whatcha doin?

Me: Nuthin.

Penis: Hmmm, that's interesting. (Long pause.) Boyyyyyyy, do I need a hug.

Me: What?

Penis: A hug. You know. Touch me.

Me: I'm not touching you.

Penis: Why not? I'm cold.

Me: You're not cold. You just want me to touch you.

Penis: I'm freezing.

Me: Shut up.

Penis: Just for a second. You know you want to ... please.

Me: OK. But just for a second. And that's it.

... and on that note, I placed my head in the alligator's mouth. And a second is all it took.

Immediately I was overcome with a powerful shockwave that began pulsing throughout my body. It grew stronger and stronger, and in a matter of seconds I was convulsing in spasms of both ecstasy and confusion. I had no idea what was happening, but I knew it felt good.

And just as quickly as it all started, the shockwaves retreated. I gathered myself, completely aghast at what had just transpired. I still had all my limbs, and apparently I was still alive.

I checked my surroundings and everything seemed to be in order.

Until I looked down, where I made a terrifying discovery.

I had just milked myself.

I was horrifed. What was I, a cow? What was this ... stuff? What do I do now? Clean it up? Prepare some cereal?

I panicked. I didn't know what I had just done, but I was pretty sure I wasn't supposed to be doing it. I put my pants back on, and tried to find something, anything, to clean up the evidence I had just fire-hosed all over the attic. I couldn't find anything, so I did what all guilty eleven year-olds do with incriminating crime evidence.

I wiped it up with my hand and ....

I put it in my pocket.

I slowly crept out of the attic, and luckily no one was home. I went into my room, changed out of my "smoking gun" pants, and gathered a bunch of clean clothes to mix in with Exhibit A of the prosecutor's evidence. I lugged them down to the washing machine, and poured just about an entire box of detergent in the machine and started it.

My mother came home about an hour later, and I was sitting on the couch, pretending to be just another normal eleven year-old boy that hadn't just sprayed down the entire attic with a gallon of penis milk.

"Who's doing laundry?" she asked.

"Oh, I'm just washing some clothes," I replied, pretending to read a magazine that may as well have been upside down or written in ancient Sanskrit.

She looked at me suspiciously. "I just washed your clothes."

"Well," I answered, "uh , yeah, they weren't clean so I just washed them again."

My mother knew something was up, but luckily she didn't push the issue any further. She just shot me that disapproving look a mother spends years perfecting: The "I know you did something, and you're fucking kidding yourself if you don't think I'm going to find out" look.

Luckily, she never did figure it out.

Until I was 14, of course.

When she caught me in the act.

But that's another story, and one you won't read about here on WWHM.

Now that I've thoroughly embarrassed myself, I'm going to retreat to my closet, curl up in the fetal position, and suck on graham crackers for the next three days.

Now, I know you people won't likely want to share your stories after experiencing the humiliation I just went through, and I don't blame you. But if you want, you can let everyone know how old you were when you first discovered "the path to self-enlightenment."

Meanwhile, I'm going to go permanently alter my face with a chainsaw.

239 comments:

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熟女 said...

仕事を辞めてください。一日で今の月収を超えるお誘いがあります。某有名セレブ熟女の強い要望により少しの間、恋人契約という女性からのお申し込みがありました。今までは地位や名誉のために頑張ってこられたようでございますが年齢を重ね、寂しさが強くなってきたようでございます。男性との時間を欲しがっている女性に癒しを与えてくださいませ

エロ漫画 said...

エロアニメナビ・エロ漫画好きにはたまらないお宝満載!激アツなサイトだけを選りすぐりました。女の子にも男の子にも使いやすく無料で出会えるサイトばかりを掲載しています

1人H said...

1人Hのお手伝い、救援部でHな見せたがり女性からエロ写メ、ムービーをゲットしよう!近所の女の子なら実際に合ってHな事ができちゃうかも!?開放的な女の子と遊んじゃおう

メール said...

ストーカーの追い回されて怖いんです。毎日夜になると非通知電話多いし怖い。。。助けてくださいpeach-.-girl@docomo.ne.jp

スタビ said...

復活、スタービーチ!日本最大の友達探しサイトがついに復活、進化を遂げた新生スタービーチをやってみませんか?理想のパートナー探しの手助け、合コンパーティー等も随時開催しています。楽しかった頃のスタビを体験しよう

処女 said...

「友達の中で処女なのは私だけ…でも恥ずかしくて処女だなんて言えない、誰でもイイからバージンを貰ってほしい!」そんな女性が沢山いる事をご存じですか?出合いが無かった、家が厳格だった等の理由でHを経験したことがない女性がたくさんいるのです。当サイトはそんな女性たちと男性を引き合わせるサイトです

メアド開運 said...

メアド開運、あなたの使ってるメアドを診断出来ちゃうサイト!吉と出るか凶と出るかはあなた次第、普段使ってるメアドの金運、恋愛運が測定できちゃいます

逆¥交際 said...

今話題の逆¥交際!あなたはもう体験しましたか?当サイトでは逆援希望の女性が男性を自由に選べるシステムを採用しています。成功を収めた女性ほど金銭面は豊かですが愛に飢えているのです。いますぐTOPページからどうぞ

豪華賞品 said...

只今、シャープ32型液晶テレビ、PS3等、豪華商品が当たるキャンペーンを実施中!まずは欲しい商品を選び、メールアドレスを登録して無料エントリー!その場で当たりが出たら賞品ゲットできます。抽選に外れた方もWチャンスで商品券等が当たります。ぜひチャレンジして下さい

副収入 said...

一夜限りの割り切ったお付き合いで副収入が得られる交際サイトのご案内です。アルバイト感覚での挑戦もできる、安心の無料登録システムを採用しておりますので、興味のある方は当サイトへぜひどうぞ

メル友 said...

彼氏にDVされて、ちょっと男性不信です。でも、恋愛して彼氏も作りたいと思ってるので、優しく接してくれる人を探してます。連絡待ってまぁす! pretty-toy-poodle@docomo.ne.jp

神待ち said...

家出をして不安な少女たちの書込が神待ち掲示板に増えています。一日遊んであげたり、家に招いて泊まらせてあげるだけで、彼女たちはあなたに精一杯のお礼をしてくれるはずです

乱交 said...

全国乱交連盟主催、スワップパーティーに参加しませんか?初めての方でも安心してお楽しみいただけるパーティーです。参加費は無料、開催地も全国に120ヶ所ありますので気軽に参加してお楽しみ下さい

Anonymous said...

I was 5. Didn't know what I was doing, just knew it was wrong. Used to say prayers at night and told God I would stop doing "it" in exchange for granting wishes. Wonder if that's why I can only have self-induced orgasms now...

アブノーマル said...

SM・露出・スワッピング・レズ・女装・フェチなど…普通じゃ物足りないあなたが思う存分楽しめる世界!貴方だけのパートナーを探してみませんか?アブノーマルでしか味わえない至福の時をお過ごしください

セレブラブ said...

セレブラブでは毎月10万円を最低ラインとする謝礼を得て、セレブ女性に快楽を与える仕事があります。無料登録した後はメールアプローチを待つだけでもOK、あなたも当サイトで欲求を満たしあう関係を作ってみませんか

裏バイト said...

簡単に大金を稼ぐことができる裏バイトがあります。女性が好きな方、健康な方なら日給3万円以上の収入を得ることも可能です。興味のある方はHPをご覧ください

救援部 said...

一人Hを男性に見てもらうことで興奮する女性が多数いることをご存じですか?当サイト、救援部ではそんな女性たちが多数登録されています。男性会員様は彼女たちのオ○ニーを見てあげるだけで謝礼を貰えるシステムとなっております。

メル友募集 said...

冬に1人ボッチで家でご飯とかオヤスミなんて寂しすぎるょ~~っ!こんなところに書き込んだら削除されちゃいそうだけど少しでもきっかけ作らなくっちゃと思って書いてみましたっ!!気軽に会ったり出来たりする方ってこの掲示板見てませんか~!?良かったらメールくださいね★フリメだったら私気付けないんで携帯のアドレス乗せておくねっ!! love-sexy@docomo.ne.jp

失恋 said...

失恋は心に深い傷を残します。その傷を癒す特効薬、それは新しい出会い。あなたの心を癒す、素晴らしい出会いを当サイトで見つけて、笑顔を取り戻してください

Joe Mama said...

I started masturbating when I was young, maybe around 3 or 4. I would lie face down on the bed and rub my penis with one of my hands. I didn't really know why I was doing it, just that it felt good. When my penis started to get hard, I'd stop.

It was when I was 12 years old in junior high school that I realized I liked it on Fridays when the cheerleaders would wear their skirts and show off their legs. A friend of mine had found a pornographic book (still remember the name: Sally's Boy Hunger) which we both read, so I knew that something was supposed to happen and something was supposed to come out of my penis.

One night I lay in bed touching my penis and learned that it was bette to masturbate when my penis was erect and gripping it between my thumb and fingers while stroking. I did this for a while waiting for my mom & sister to get out of the bathroom.

Once my chance came, I stood in front of the toilet and stroked my penis between my thumb & fingers for what seemed like 15 minutes. I was excited to see what I now know as precome starting to come out. I continued, but wasn't expecting what happened. I felt the orgasm start in the pit of my belly, move down my legs, and felt my feet convulse as semen gently spurted from my penis.

I of course graduated from the thumb & finger method to the full grip, but on occasion when I'm feeling nostalgic I try it again the way I did it the first time.

I am really turned on by the thought of a woman pleasuring herself, but being married 10 years I'm well familiar with the fact that women aren't as fascinated with how we test fire our penises. But when my wife's not in the mood and I am, she will lay with me and touch/tickle my testicles as I take care of business. It's almost as good as sex and the intimacy is still there. I love her.

高額バイト said...

高額バイトのご案内です。欲求不満になっている女性を癒して差し上げるお仕事です。参加にあたり用紙、学歴等は一切問いません。高収入を稼ぎたい、女性に興味のある方はぜひどうぞ

交際 said...

スタービーチの突然の閉鎖、優良な友達探しサイトが無くなってしまいましたが、新生・スタービーチがここに復活しました!、進化を遂げた新生スタービーチをやってみませんか?理想の交際探しの手助け、合コンパーティー等も随時開催しています。楽しかった頃のスタビを体験しよう

Anonymous said...

I'm far behind on this post as well so I may not get any readers but why not...

I remember seeing porn when I was a kid ( friends had parents who liked it, so we took the videos to watch ) and when I was ... oh 12 I guess, I remember getting very turned on by it (of course). For some reason, I had it in my head that my pre-cum was my real cum.

So anyways, nearly a year went by before I actually started playing with it at all. I was home alone, watching a video that my friend left at my house. Don't laugh, but the only VCR at the time was in my mother's bedroom. So yeah, I was laying on my mother's bed slowly stroking it. I had a pink sweatshirt on (I'm straight, but yeah don't ask why I wore it, was a kid) and suddenly it just started feeling REALLY good. Oh, I forgot to mention that I was using some vaseline because skin against skin felt uncomfortable. So there I was, going faster and faster and I can remember how good it felt to this day (I'm 33 now). I erupted with vigor! The vast amount of it still amazes me to this day.... it was SO thick.

I was so relieved that my cum wasn't clear! It was like the adults! What's the very next thing I did? I marched straight into the shower and did it again! I've been hooked since that day. I probably still masturbate almost every day at some point. 18 was not my prime, that's for sure. :)

I've been happily married for the last 11 years and my wife caught me once or twice. She was kind of upset the first time but since then, she doesn't care that I do it. In fact, since she goes to sleep before me ( she's a teacher and wakes up early ), she jokes about how I'm going to do this and that after she's in bed. We do a lot of mutual masturbation ( I finger her while she gives me a HJ - it's really fantastic ).

Thanks to everyone else for sharing! :)

神待ちサイト said...

「家出してるんで、泊まるところないですか?」家出救済神待ちサイトには毎日このような女の子からの書き込みがされています。彼女たちはホテルや家に泊まらせてあげたり、遊んであげるだけであなたに精一杯のお礼をしてくれるはずです

露出 said...

普通のプレイじゃ絶対味わえない快感、それは野外露出プレイ。最初は嫌がっていた女も次第にハマっていって、その内それが快感に変わってきます。野外露出プレイで興奮度アップ間違い無し

友達 said...

早い時期に結婚してしまって、少し後悔しているんです。私は、今の夫しか経験が無くって、このままでいいのかなって…。思うようになってきてしまって…冒険はしたいんですけど、やっぱりばれたりしたら怖いので…割り切りで会える方って居ませんでしょうか?連絡お待ちしてますね♪最初に年齢を教えてくれるとうれしいです。pop-music-lo-ve@docomo.ne.jp

Ha oscurato il lotus said...

I love all of your replies, they're creative and tangenty :D

The Dangerous Mezzo said...

I'm a new reader -- damn, you're a great writer! I came on over here from the Blogger's Choice Awards, went back, voted for you, and came back to really settle down and read.

Brilliant stuff.

Anonymous said...

I am one of those mythical females who really does fantasize about men jerking off, especially in public. But I think I have something of a voyeur in me, and I know it's not typical.

So it's unusual, yes, but it does exist.

My parents were always very, very open with me about sexuality, so I knew about masturbation from a pretty young age... but I was never particularly interested in it. In a perverse way, because my mom encouraged me to masturbate, I refused to even consider it. This changed when I was 16 and had begun reading romance novels. I realized that when I got to the sex scenes, I would get this warm, wet feeling between my legs, and I loved that feeling. I began reading more and more romance novels just to feel that feeling, and would skip ahead as quickly as I could to the sex scenes. My best friend and I would talk about that feeling and how we sought it out, but she proclaimed masturbation to be dirty and said she would never do it. I, on the other hand, had begun to be curious.

I had a habit of reading while in the bathtub, and so one day, while in the tub reading a romance novel, I began to rub myself. After a while I got tired and stopped, but it felt good so I tried a few more times and eventually had an orgasm. I was a little disappointed at what all the fuss was about... to me the journey was much better than the destination... but the more I did it, the better they got. It wasn't long before I discovered the faucet on the tub, and when I confessed to my mom, she gave me a vibrator. After that, it was a daily bedtime routine. :)

Jenn Holton said...

Seeing as so many other gals have shared and how much I love this blog (seeing as it also moved me over from the very expensive "Edenfantasys.com" to the wonders of "Babeland" because of the ads on the side of the page), I will delve into my past and bring forth that first embarrassing, delightful moment.
My parents are religious—but not the scary kind. Now that I'm all grown up and my sister has kids they've loosened up enough to laugh at my more innuendo-laced comments. I feel lucky to have parents like this. My mom gave me two books about sex ed to read when I was 10 (I'd been reading Star Wars novels since the second grade, so two thin books with drawings wasn't too much of a task). So I read them. And I learned the truth about sex far earlier than when we had to sit in health class and watch The Video. Mortifyingly, I can recall raising my hand just before my teacher put the VHS in and saying: "I already know all about this..."
Anyway, I would come up with these lengthy stories that I would whisper to myself and get caught up in. Basically, I was preforming oral smut fanfiction since most of them had me as Princess Leia or Lieutenant Uhura or Sailor Moon getting swept off my feet by Han or Mister Spock or Tuxedo Mask.
So my First was pillow induced with the help of a Tuxedo Mask fantasy.
The embarrassing thing is I know I talk in my sleep and sometimes wake up with those lovely after-flutters of a "you totally just orgasmed in your sleep and don't even remember the dream..." And I used to share a room with my sister. My college room mate was the one to call me out on the whole part with "I swear I heard you squeak an entire sentence last night—normally you just mumble."
I've graduated from my pillow—I did when I turned 14 and discovered the "bug" back massager and the pulse-setting on the shower head.
Now it's the hand or one of my Babeland toys (the Laya Spot from Fun Factory—I recommend it whole-heartedly).

As for the ad? My face while reading that must have resembled one of those mortified ducks with half-chewed crackers spilling from its beak. Ew. That's like telling someone on the street you're naked under your coat, letting them soak this horrific information in, and then going for broke by whipping the coat off. Then the police get called. Or something. Advertising that you want to publicly expose yourself and expect your audience to get turned on (and possibly TOUCH you) is just...

*gives up*

Lastly, watching a man masturbate—in porn, or even one I might be involved with... I think you put it best with the "shucking corn while giving birth to a pheasant" image, Weasel. Not something I get turned on by.

The Relm Eclipsed said...

Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

I'm a guy. I was around 11-12 when it started. It took me a long, long time before I figured out the correct techneque. My first method that worked was to grip the shaft really tight with just the head exposed then use my other hand, opened perfectly flat, to rub across the top exactly like you would when cleaning a counter top with a scrubpad. That was the first time it 'worked.' I was used to precum, and thought it was just a lot of that. I tried the vacuum cleaner too, I could get the air going over it just right so that it would cause it to vibtate against the walls of the tube rapidly. Cleanup was a breeze with that method. I was really worried about how the vacuum smelled though after a while. I literally outgrew the vacuum after a while. My last odd method I tried was to use the showerhead right on it. I got the water to go in a bit and for whatever reason this worked for me. I was kinda scared about injury since things were supposed to go in, not out. Never went back to those after I figured out the correct way, except for the first one, but it is kinda too intense a feeling.

I remember once I was in my closet doing the deed and my yonger brother comes up looking for me. After hearing my fumbling he screams down to my dad "SCOTT IS MASTERBATING!!!"

Bastard.

Hammerhead said...

I was pretty young when I first started masturbating, still at the age where parents would check on you in the tub to make sure you didn't drown. It was in said bathtub, in fact, that I made the remarkable discovery. At first I was freaked out a little, but not enough to stop.

Before going to college I usually used a back massager my mom and I gave to my dad one year, and I promised myself that before I left I was going to master the art of the hands-only orgasm. It has proved to be one of the most rewarding accomplishments of mine. (Not to say I don't enjoy the company of my good friend BOB when the chance is given)

Anonymous said...

This is really embarassing but I actually first touched myself hidden under a blanket in my living room with my sister on the other couch. I was around 11 and just remember it being itchy down there, so I put my hand down my panties. Then, I discovered it felt good, so I kept it there. About 2 minutes after I started touching, I stopped, realizing what I was doing. After that, I would fantasize and get myself wet, but I didn't masturbate.
I started touching myself again when I was 16, then I found a boyfriend who did it for me.
I still haven't had an orgasm, but I'm hopeful with my new girlfriend.

Anonymous said...

Ya know, hearing you tear apart loser that get online and try to get women through penis talk and cum shots is funny enough. But one thing that you must remember about why women hate men, is because they can't just stop thinking about their dick for more than 2 min.
Ive read a few things so far and even though you talk shit on guys you are still telling a bunch of women about you masturbating. What is the difference? one may be dirtier than the other but it all has to do with the same thing. A mans dick. One of the things that women tire of due to over exposure.
The only thing that I can't bitch about is the fact that you did at least attend to us first by talking hit before you jumped into the masturbation talk.

Anonymous said...

I've talked about me discovering masturbation to friends, but I've never mentioned the extent of weird childhood experiences, so I figure this is the only chance I'll get for me to kind of remember and replay to myself what really happened.

My first sexual experiences was with my cousin that was like 10..I was only around 5, so I don't recall any specific details, but I remember he'd always want to play "doctor" with me. I never thought much of it but my mom put an end to that quickly once she found out.

Maybe it was encouraged from that experience, idk, but when I was older I convinced my younger cousin to show me his penis and my uncle walked in, so we were interrupted, and I'll never remember what I was planning to do.

For me it actually started off with my asshole at like 6 or 7. I didn't even realize I had another hole, and for some reason I was really fascinated with my asshole for a short period of time. It seems really weird to me looking back on it but I have hazy memories of putting q-tips up myself and then putting my pants on and keeping it there while I walked around the house and played outside, scared that someone would somehow discover what I was hiding.

I also can kind of remember going to the bath with my toys and sticking dinosaur tails up my ass..?? IDK.

Later I realized that if something brushed against my clit it would turn me on, so I remember tried to rub myself onto bike seats or when playing in the pool with friends I would try to kind of brush myself against them. Apparently my friends at the time were going through the same weird urges to feel something or anything touch them because I'm pretty sure they responded..

I can barely mention these things without feeling really weird but I think at one point I used to put peanut butter in between my legs and let the dog lick it off just so I could feel some kind of stimulation there.

I never really pursued much with my clit at that point though but I remember getting a mirror and aiming it so that I could examine what the fuck I had down there. Well. I found a hole, and that was my new source of inspiration for a while.

Idk why I wasn't just content with feeling myself normally, but I started wanting to put weird objects up there, and see how much I could fit. I was only like 8 at the time, so I don't know where these interests originated from but they escalated pretty far and I really abused the fuck out of my hole for a few months..

I had a friend who was about 14 who ended up molesting me at 9. I don't know if the shit I did is actually common and just not discussed or if it was only promoted through over exposure to sexual behavior from older people, but at like 9 years old I was looking up porn--ALL kinds. Guy on guy, pretty much all kinds of fetish porn, bestiality..?? I would even steal my cousin's diapers and use the bathroom in them..I never really 'got off' on this, but it made me feel really excited and wet.

Eventually the family computer got a virus, and my mom discovered the excessive amount of pornography I had been accumulating in the history. I thought for sure I was fucked, but luckily enough my older brother had been exploring the realms of disgusting internet trash too so he was blamed, and admitted it. I don't know how my parents would've taken it to find out that their youngest little girl was searching this shit up by herself.

Well now of course, I have long since discovered the wonders of the water faucet in the bathroom, shower heads, and vibrators. I can only cum through those 3 methods. I have amazing sex with my boyfriend and I'm always ready for it but I just can't cum through intercourse, and using my finger or his on my clit doesn't work either.

Well at least I got some of that off my chest although I'm pretty sure I've forcefully repressed a lot more childhood memories.

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