The Impregnator

Looking to spread my seed

There are so many qualities about me, one is my looks, my abs, intelligency, humor, social grace, and personality that are A+++ in any womans book. So why not spread my seed and impregnant as many charming and sweet woman as possible. I will guarantee you, you will have the time of your life being impregnanted by me.

First, I don't loose an erection. I can last for hours, non stop. I can stroke you clitoris and hammer you g spot at the same time. I am also a guaranteed 9" long measured on a bad day. I also am a master at the art of tantra, so that sex is a metaphysic mystical experience of pure pleasure. 1st rule: no condoms 2nd rule: no pills 3rd rule: 8 hours of free non-stop sex (put that into your agenda). 4th rule (most important): have a vagina.

Eric

WWHM assumes men like Eric continue to subscribe to the mythical and baseless stereotype of the sexless single woman sitting alone in her apartment, intravenously injecting endless quarts of frownberry ice cream amidst an undulating sea of gassy housecats. "Why can't I find a potential father possessing both intelligency and impregnantism" she might scream, simultaneously hurling her new unabridged dictionary into the litter box. It's a common misconception Eric, and WWHM hereby warns you that "spreading your seed" will never be this easy. In your case, imagine yourself spreading frozen butter on room-temperature toast.

Regardless, Eric's here and he's ready to put the "abs" back into absentee father. He's got so much intelligency to impregnant you, almost any woman would rate him an A+++ in their book, unless of course that woman happens to be a 2nd grade teacher with a red pen, a partially literate woman with a modicum of discerning taste, or a breathing mammal. For those remaining ladies who choose to qualify men only by their ability to walk and chew gum at the same time, please know Eric regularly walks to the STD clinic while chewing his Valtrex prescription.

But, of course, what originally starts out as an offer to impregnate women rapidly devolves into what we've all come to expect here on WWHM: It's just another ruse designed to justify the posting of an online resume for his penis.

Yes, once again we get a gander at a wholly misinformed individual trying to upsell his dehydrated turkey leg as a healthy slab of kobe beef. What with all the pride men like Eric exhibit in championing their own genitals, one would think these guys had spent the past five years in a hardscrabble tool shed behind their homes, carefully constructing their penis with a mismatched assortment of clothespins, elk antlers, and surgical tubing. "Check this out!" he might say, as if pointing out a houseboat or high school marching band, "is this a nice penis or what?" It's simply the adult equivalent of a 2 year-old boy proudly pointing his mother towards a lukewarm mound of excrement currently earning a rich suntan on the living room carpet. "Poop!" he says excitedly to his mother, hoping she might share in his unbridled enthusiasm for the latest pièce de résistance to emancipate from his underpants.

We may think our penis outshines a sunrise, but to a woman a penis looks more like something they might use to plug a hole in a canoe or scrape off their shoe with a tree branch. Ask any random woman if she'd rather hear about your dick or get two free tickets to a tractor pull, and I guarantee you within five seconds she'd be walking off with her tickets and a wad of Skoal in her mouth the size of a small eagle.

Eric's ad closes with the old "I'm into tantric sex" routine, a tired and dazzlingly inept claim now present in no less than 20% of the personal ads we receive here at WWHM. While most men promise you their magical tantric sex techniques will make you squirt live aardvarks or straighten your pubic hair, Eric simply states that sex with him "is a metaphysic mystical experience of pure pleasure." And by "metaphysic mystical experience," I think he means "maybe a Wal-Mart candle and a few goatherding hymns off my iPod."

It's amazing how many guys now claim to employ these amazing tantric sexual techniques that last for several hours, yet women still complain men act like they just popped a nickel into a parking meter by the bed and don't want to get a ticket. Even if true, eight straight hours of sex might sound great to some people, but not so much to the individual walking around the office like she just dismounted a morbidly obese horse after a trek across Mongolia.

Good luck in your quest Eric, and if any of you ladies just happen to be in the market for a large-cocked, vain baby with a head the size of a ski lodge, I think your prayers have just been answered.

If you're seeking a modest baby with spelling skills, well, not so much.