Thursday, May 1, 2008

Viewer Mail

Volunteer for tampons- 30 (South traste county)

I would like to volnteer to change your tampons, please contact me at XXX-XXX-XXXX

Reader CT writes in:

"Hey weaselworden my sister sent me this ad she i thought it would go good for your blog. my sister said she almost puked."

Let me tell you about puking CT.

There's two things that make me puke here at WWHM headquarters in lovely downtown Dubuque, Iowa. One is downtown Dubuque, Iowa. And two, everything else my job entails.

Do you know what it's like having to scroll through hundreds of men's personal ads every day? If I wanted to see less cock, I'd get a job in the male STD ward at the Guangzhou branch of Planned Parenthood.

And I'm not even gay, unless you give me 10 dollars and some Jolly Ranchers.

But this wannabe-tampon-changer is nothing compared to what I see.

You see, I'm a fucking pervert, and I truly even feel for the women who've had the unfortunate experience of dating me.

Not only do I cry during Matlock, but my penis is so small you could use it to knit earmuffs for a malnourished hamster. That, and my perversions in the bedroom on an average night might require a belt sander, a jar of non-sweetened pickles, two full-grown osprey and a framed photo of Bea Arthur on a ladder.

But at least I never asked to change their tampons.

And I'll be honest with you.... I wouldn't even know how it works.

I'd probably have some Scotch tape, a Band-aid, and some chewing gum. Or maybe a cork.

But on the bright side, for at least for once in my life, I would be the one asking her "Is it in yet?"

Thanks CT.


Anonymous said...

Even being a seasoned veteran at inserting tampons into my own body, I do still occasionally get one in at the wrong angle, and guys, there is nothing more painful than first having something stab your inner walls and having to pull it out DRY from a very sensitive place so you can put a new one in correctly. It's excruciating, and I'm doing it myself. I can only imagine what letting a man do this would feel like.

Anonymous said...

Love the blog, you never fail to make me laugh. But I'd hold out for 2 packs of Jolly Ranchers, then you'd be sure to get a good guy lol.

doctressjulia said...