Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Scraper

I Would Love to Gently Shave You

Are you a sensual female who enjoys being pampered in a safe sensual way by a very loving attractive single male?

I would like to find a very nice female who would like to have her private area gently shaved. Many women either through busy careers or relationships have not had the chance to receive this type of attention. I will wash you, apply shaving cream slowly, then gently shave you while you have your legs spread on my shoulders. Hopefully you will find this to be arousing and a beautiful trusting experience.

I'm offering my love and my gentleness to you if you are in need of relaxation and pleasure to escape from life's stresses. I will help you rediscover your sensual self in a safe loving environment. I would love to explore with you, be close friends. My tender fingers guiding you to pleasure, releasing your most intimate desires. Gently touching the intimate areas of your beautiful body.

Antonio

Because nothing screams "a safe and trusting encounter" like handing a sharp razor to a complete stranger you meet on the internet.

Need an alternative? Put on some mutton panties and squat in a piranha tank.

Antonio scribes an impossibly creepy personal ad that virtually drowns in a pool of its own cheese. Sounding like a cross between an overzealous gynecologist after a six martini lunch and a story question in the appendix of A Dummies Guide to Spiritual Sexuality, Antonio soothingly wafts his way through a gag-worthy amalgamation of supportive buzzwords designed for a new-age couples counseling session. "I would love to explore with you, be close friends." No thanks Antonio, but for the record, your personal ad completely curdled my fresh glass of milk. And for that, I'd like to kick you right in your gentles.

It's as if Antonio actually believes that after a hard day at work, an endless string of errands, and a terrible commute home, a woman wants nothing more than to just kick off her shoes and have her vagina shaved. A soothing spa, a warm sauna, or a deep tissue massage? "No thanks," you might say, "to really relax, I just need to find a random individual online to come over and weedwhack my crotch hair."

Like most personal ads, I suspect Antonio formulated his genital shaving ideology from repeated exposure to hardcore porn flicks. As such, a woman couldn't possibly shave herself without finishing off the process with a frenzied and orgasmic masturbation session. Believe me, I used to watch my girlfriend shave herself in the shower all the time, and erotic is the last word I'd use to describe the process.

Paying no mind to the activity at hand, she often shaved her pussy in the same manner a chicken might furiously scratch its way through a pea patch, producing a grating sound similar to a cat entertaining a new set of drapes with his sharpened claws. Replicating my lawn-mowing technique when I was 10, she did just enough to complete the job and make it look like there was nothing out of the ordinary from a distance. But a closer look often revealed numerous flaws.

But if your idea of scintillating shaving session involves a registered hippie with a beard full of granola grains sculpting your vagina into the shape of a bird in flight, why not? You might even get some free scented hot rocks and a bag of "emotion" beads out of the deal.

Good luck in your venture Antonio, and might I suggest if you want some practice, try shaving your neighbors cat. If you think that thing squirms endlessly to get away from you, just imagine how much a real pussy will put up a fight.

78 comments:

Anonymous said...

A soothing spa, a warm sauna, or a deep tissue massage? "No thanks," you might say, "to really relax, I just need to find a random individual online to come over and weedwhack my crotch hairs."


ROFL Maybe that's why my muscles are so tense of an evening. I haven't tried out the internet shaver technique!

Eccentric_Lady said...

"Good luck in your venture Antonio, and might I suggest if you want some practice, try shaving your neighbors cat. If you think that thing squirms hard to get away, just imagine how much a real pussy will put up a fight.

LMAO!!! You've done it again Weasel...now to clean up the snorked Sierra Mist!

paul_linn_is_a_jerk said...

"Put on some mutton panties and crouch in a piranha tank"

ROTFLMAO

The descriptions are genius!!


http://paullinnthoroughbredcheater.blogspot.com/

Katrina said...

So bizarre. I knew a girl once who got off on watching her boyfriend shave (his face), but I've never known a guy to seem to derive pleasure from shaving some girl's hoochie (btw, Weas, not to be pedantic, but no one is shaving anyone's vagina. Pubic area, peritoneum, yes; jamming a razor up inside isn't even what Antonio seems to have in mind :D).

This whole scenario feels vaguely serial-killery. While you're in the blissful post-shave petit-mort, he'll just climb right up and strangle you and then have sex with your newly-shaven corpse. Yargh.

tatterdemalion said...

Oh dear god, I think I just scared the cat with my laughing.


Antonio sounds suspiciously like someone I used to know, maybe he did move to the U.S

But no, I'm sorry, no one goes near my hoochie with a razor but me.

Weasel said...

Good catch Katrina, you're absolutely right.

But for comedy sake, you know....

Hyena Overlord said...

*OMG...he's like the other shaver guy who offered to customize the job to suit the woman's body type.*

I think Antoino resides with me at work. A place where the patients have to sign the disposable razors out. They have to return them for disposale and sign in. He just never gets to hold onto one long enough. Yes, some of them have computers and wireless subscriptions.

Who can shave your kooch while having your legs draped over his shoulders? I hope Ant isn't wearing progressive lenses.

What a knob. Totally fab, bang on commentary Weas.

Nosnikta said...

:-|

(snort!)

mutton panties

LOLOLOLOL

gads

Anonymous said...

I'm a recent arrival to this site (having been directed here by a male, who seemed interested in a temporary residence in my pants) and I have to say I'm a little disturbed, but probably not why you'd think.
I've been reading the older posts and... my god I've /lived/ some of this shit. I had an ex who once shaved my pussy (whilst my feet were on his shoulders...). Interestingly, he also asked me to wax his ass. I did it, and god help me, how I laughed. I have also seen (and blown, or attempted to...) the kinds of penises like the Ahmish Cow Teat and the (potentially photoshopped) Zucchini'ed Uniballer. Cept it was bigger... and about as thick as a coke can. Fortunately, no condom was found to be big enough, so I remain whole, perineum intact.
Days like these, I consider writing a book about my sex life...

Luna
Australia.

Anonymous said...

P.S. An Australian coke can, that is... not sure how your american ones are... but I couldn't fit my hand (nor lips) around the fucker.
Luna

Cut-N-Jump said...

"No thanks," you might say, "to really relax, I just need to find a random individual online to come over and weedwhack my crotch hair."


I just spewed coffee. Thanks Weasel. I fucking love you!

Cut-N-Jump said...

Perhaps Antonio can hang around the back door of Tims Hairy Snack Shack?

He can clean things up afterwards.

Persnickety Ticker said...

OMG Cut-N-Jump, between you and Weas I have coffee spray all over my computer.

I second Cut's sentiment...I fucking LOVE you Weasel!

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Weasel,

I'm relieved that you support Private Hair Removal. But now I have this vivid picture of your ex-girlfriend shaving, complete with audio. Good Lord! What breed was she?

____ Note, perhaps you should connect this guy with the tatooed cat ass guy?

AmyB said...

Ew. Sometimes you have to wonder where people get these crazy-ass kinks.

Blair said...

Oh. Dear. Lord! Hillarious and yet somehow also TERRIFYING

casualencounters.com/blog said...

Yeah, thoroughly non-erotic. I had an ex-girlfriend who used to do it in the shower all the time, and even the poses she contorted herself into to get at those "difficult" hairs were unpleasant to watch, let along the grinding, scraping sounds and the end result looking like a sad, pink oyster who shaved its face with a sharpened rock in the dark.

Anonymous said...

"she often shaved her pussy in the same manner a chicken might furiously scratch its way through a pea patch, producing a grating sound similar to a cat entertaining a new set of drapes with his sharpened claws"

LMFAO! My workmates think i'm having a fit, the snorting and snuffling of laughter coming from my desk is raising eyebrows. :)

bhm said...

Yes, there's nothing that inspires relaxation and the erotic mood more than razor burn and shaving nicks.

Men, Stop taking advice from the porn industry! It's a very, very bad idea. Step away from your computers now!

TornadoBaby said...

Thank you SOOO much for that dry line right after the ad... that's exactly what I was thinking! I wouldn't even let my husband (if I had one) near me with that intention!

Cut-N-Jump said...

Just so all of you know, Weasel told me recently in an email he needed to find a bunch of perverted women to hang out with.

I told him he already found us. We all follow his blog and post here frequently. We are his Harem.

We All Fucking Love You Weasel!

cattypex said...

Oh SHITBALLS!!!!!!

When Penthouse meets NewAgeLuv, things get weird!!

That totally reads like something off Pink Flamingo. With a Jeffrey Dahmer twist.

bhm said...

Can someone say "genital mutilation"!

CaliGirl9 said...

I've had to shave plenty of perineums, male and female. But I was getting paid. Still didn't make it fun, pleasant or anywhere near a turn-on.

You gotta be a pretty sick puppy to be aroused by that.

I did enjoy the twist on making this exercise in nastiness an issue of "trust." That's a fairly new slant to this type of ad. Oh and get a new title; "I would like/love to gently shave you" appears on the SF Craigslist several times a day.

Smells a bit of Sweeny Todd, only working at the other end of the body.

Brandy said...

ROTFLMAOTIPIMP!!!!

(ROTFL my ass off til I pee in my pants)

Gentle shaving does NOT work here... I'm looking at napalm, or your mutton panty idea to get those pricklies defeated!!

I use that Veet or Nair stuff to soften the barbed wire enough to shave it. I doubt our 'gentle' friend could handle it, especially in the lithotomy position he requests!!

I trust my hubby with every other aspect of my cooch, but even after all our years of erotic trust building, neither of us shaves the other! It's one area of trust that we don't enter. He shaves his, I shave mine, we trust that it's done! LOL!

And I would HATE to get granola grains in my bird-in-flight design... LOL!

Brandy said...

(FYI, I'm a white blonde woman!)

And a PROUD member of Weasel's harem!!!

Tribblehappy said...

shaving session involves a registered hippie with a beard full of granola grains sculpting your vagina into the shape of a bird in flight

This prompted me to google "vagina topiary". No relevent results. Pity, that. Actually, I'm infinitely relieved.

robyn said...

Need an alternative? Put on some mutton panties and squat in a piranha tank.
~~~~~~~~~~~

This is truly priceless, Weaz. Nice job!

Weasel said...

Man, I thought this one would NOT go over well.

I got a couple emails today from guys basically saying "like you never thought about it," but in saltier language.

I never said that- I've done it and I'd fucking do it again.

The shaving isn't the issue- it's the fucking idiotic writing on this ad that sent me over the edge laughing- its so fucking cheesy I wanted to puke.

"gentle" "loving" blahhhhhhhh fucking stupid- one of my favorite ads I've ever posted because its so fucking awful.

WWHM readers are the greatest - sorry i can't be on the board as much as i used to be but i just dont have time, but my contracts are ending soon, should be around more.

Hope to have next post up soon.

weasel

Weasel said...

I read everything you guys post though- I just cant contribute as much.

Katrina said...

Honestly, Weas, we're just grateful you make time to post. The paid work is a wee bit more important ;)

mywriterself said...

just imagine how much a real pussy will put up a fight

need new key board

Bree said...

Love the post weasel and yes I often think of "finding a random individual online to come over and weedwhack my crotch hairs."

I wonder if he put down the shaver and picked up the wax pot and strips if it would turn him on as much! We could play role reversal :)

Oh Antonio, if only you knew the pleasure of receiving and not always giving

agustin96 said...

I had a BF shave me once - his fantasy - I read Practical Horseman and he went to work. No injuries, took forever... not erotic... not repeated.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Believe me, I used to watch my girlfriend shave herself in the shower all the time, and erotic is the last word I'd use to describe the process.<<

LOL I can just imagine. I think most of us look like a drunken flamingo trying to pull that off!

I'm with CnJ though...really, the fun part here would be to pit this dude and Tim who likes 'em hairy up against each other in a fight. Probably be the most physical contact either has ever had with another human being!

Anonymous said...

To Tribblehappy,

Don't beat around the bush. Try googling "pubic topiary".

Hyena Overlord said...

Weas...you should write a book...then you can afford to house your harem.

Naamah said...

Katrina, oh, Katrina. Sigh.

I see your pedantic anatomical wrangling and raise you a dictionary definition. Look up "peritoneum" and tell me, honestly, whether anyone REALLY shaves that part of their body. Or needs to.

I believe you were aiming for "perineum."

Weas, the word you want is probably "vulva." But we love you anyway.

Dundie said...

Jeez, there is nothing these guys can think of that the Nip/Tuck writers have not used already. In one of the latest episodes (Season 5 episode 16? I think?) Sean McNamara (who is pretending to not be able to walk) hooks up with a girl who is desperate to take care of him.

Thing is, Sean can handle her "come to mommy" deviation but when she decides to shave his genital area "to make it smooth like a baby's butt" it's a little bit too much. Finally she crosses the line when she attempts to put a diaper on him.

the Constantly Dramatic One said...

Fuck no!!

That's all I have to say to this.

Dundie said...

Hmm. If some of these guys are actually inspired by Nip/Tuck (loove the show), according to the very latest episode, we'll soon see ads saying "I'd like to come to your place and have sex with your couch. I can make her feel good about herself and appreciate you more"

Anonymous said...

I question the effeciency of my feet on his shoulders. Unless he has broad shoulders of an elephants, I don't think it would work that well.

Anonymous said...

I hold true to my belief that there are certain parts of the body that NO sharp objects should be around.

Especially if said sharp objects are in the hands of others. Double the Especially on this one if the sharp objects are in the hands of a whacko-loony-creep like this guy!

Goes right along with the certain parts of an animal that shouldn't be eaten either...

brooke said...

i had a boyfriend shave my legs once (a guy i really loved) and it was weird. i CANNOT imagine a total stranger. gross!

Corrina said...

Where has this guy been all my life? Nothing melts away the day's stress like kicking up your legs onto hairy shoulders and having your bush whacked.

I'm relaxed just having read this.

elffire78 said...

Creepy!

You know, I had a bf (thankfully now an ex) who use to nag me repeatedly to shave my girly parts claiming I "wasn't doing it right."

So I finally told him that the only way I'd let him do so is if he let me shave his balls first. As predicted, he quickly dropped the subject...and never brought it up again.

All in all, to this day, there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm letting *anyone* any where near my cooch with a blade except myself. Period.

casualencounters.com/blog said...

Yeah I shaved my balls once and put aftershave on them afterward, as a dare.

Never again.

CasualEncountersBlog said...

Okay, I did it again. But I'm ten bucks richer. So who's the REAL chump.

Anonymous said...

for those who enjoy the opposite of shaving, here ya go:

http://www.videosift.com/video/Pubic-Hair-Fashion-Designs

Anonymous said...

Holy SHIT! This guy is a complete freak. I wouldn't let him anywhere near me WITHOUT a razor. Ugh. Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. Seriously. I can't believe he actually thought a woman would WANT him to insensitively scratch away at her with a blade while all the blood rushes to her head, let alone be turned on by it. I'm just glad I've never met a guy with an internet ad (knowingly at least). I've had enough problems with the weird douches I've dated. I'm only 19 but so far my future seems to consist of desperation and loneliness that will only be staved off by remembering fucks like this exist and think that theyre a catch.

danielle said...

i HOPE there are no women out there who want/need their VAGINAS shaved. if there's hair growing in there, and not on your VULVA, then you've got more serious concerns than finding someone to shave it for you.

casualencounters.com/blog said...

Women who complain about the vagina/vulva distinction remind me of scene kids who complain about the emo/scene one, or goths bitching about gothics/goths.

What I'm saying is that I'm enraged. Can I have your number.

alli said...

I think the distinction between vagina and vulva is about as important as the distinction between penis and urethra -- not that it's not funnier the way you said it, Weas.

Endurance rider said...

Hey Tribblehappy - try googling 'pubic hair topiary' - you'll get all kinds of weird hits.

Endurance rider said...

Oh boy - I've got to tell you all about this one . . .

Anyone here know what a Triple Crown is? No, not the racing kind, the waxing kind!

I swear I'm not making this up - there's a waxing procedure called that - and it's when a man has his back, crack, and sack waxed! My guess is only porn stars and gay men would be bothered, but the next time a guy wants you to get a Brazilian or a Hollywood, tell him sure, right after his Triple Crown!

I actually learned about this procedure from TV - the 'Graham Norton' show on BBC America. He actually showed some crazy guy getting it done (with certain blurry parts, of course). The facial expressions when the lady yanked off the cloth strips, and the positions he had to get into while it was being done were priceless!

whineoftheweek.blogspot.com said...

Mutton panties, piranha tank. WOW. That is a visual that lingers, hopefully not in my dreams.

Tessie said...

"I think the distinction between vagina and vulva is about as important as the distinction between penis and urethra"
`
Agreed. I'm all in favor of avoiding disparaging names for body parts whenever possible, but calling your muff your vagina is like calling your nose your esophagus.

The Beautiful Kind said...

I am really starting to abhor the word "sensual".

LegendsLiveOn said...

Ewmygod.

That's disgusting. :(

I shave myself by myself, no ifs ands or buts. Shower time is private time. Guys like this make me want to bleach my brain.

TheAmber said...

"Many women either through busy careers or relationships have not had the chance to receive this type of attention." I am back reading on this blog since I have just discovered it and I am surprised that no one has noted this gem of a line. The idea that I, as a hard working modern woman who can have it all, have not found the time to find someone to shave my twat, is absolutely mind boggling.
I know that, as a guardian of an orifice that men hold so dear, any sex act I find remotely interesting is available if I only request it. I don't need a creepy guy on the internet to "help [me] rediscover [my] sensual self." If I want a man to shave my pussy I will ask him to, and I bet he will gladly do so. No "busy career" or "relationship" is going to keep me from a sensual experience that I desire.

bella said...

This dude just REPOSTED his ad on SF Craigslist. Unless it was one of you assholes (I mean that nickname in a good way).

Who's brave enough to email him the link to this page?

Gavin said...

I was reading this as a way to avoid doing an assignment for uni, and it actually made me want to start writing again.

I didn't, but it almost worked.

Always Liked Men, But Love 'Em When They Have a Self-deprecatory Sense of Humor said...

Delightful commentary. This guy has been posting to the SF Bay Area craigslist for at least a couple of years, and - eww.

Now, I'm saying this as a woman who has had a couple of boyfriends that were into, I don't know what to call it. Let's say, the "intimate shaving" thing. And I was fine with that. There's a trust issue that can make it intriguing. But oh Holy Schick & Gillette, this man writes such awful, creepy prose.

Why sure, honey - you, complete stranger, can come over and shave my most sensitive tissues - in fact, why don't you use this rusty straight razor I've been using to cut out coupons from the Dollar Saver?

On the positive side, it reminded me of an ad I saw in the early Nineties, for some lesbian hair salon that offered "pubic sculpting." I'm assuming you could get your pubes groomed to look like your sweetie's initials or a lambda or a labrys.

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Hammerhead said...

Holy hell, I barely trust MYSELF to shave my lady bits, why the fuck would I trust anyone else?!

For the record, doing a pre-swimsuit shave and then getting in the ocean is not recommended. At all. No, seriously, that shit burns. >_<

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