Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Challenge

Ladies Read This... You Want A Challenge?

Ok here is the challenge. I will bet you that no matter how Hott you are or think you are. No matter what you say or do sexually or what sexy outfit you wear. That YOU! Cannot get me to sleep with you with in the first three days! Just remember the hotter you are and the flirtier you are and the more sexual in your windows you are the better your chances are to get me to sleep with you with in those first three dates! Now if you win you get the gift certificate to the day spa. Now if I win you buy me a real steak dinner with the works and take me to some cool guy movie. -Adam XXX-XXX-XXXX

When I was a junior in high school, I wasn't considered much of a catch by the ladies. Girlish in stature and primarily governed by fears, even the mere thought of encountering a small flightless bird or indifferent moth turned my discount cotton briefs into a catch bin for what a 3 year-old girl might aptly describe as "tinkle."

My sexually experienced girlfriend at the time was anxious to house something inside her vagina not advertised as super-absorbent, and rightfully acknowledged I wasn't going to be the guy to do it. Clingy as a laundered sock yet paralyzed by chronic vagiphobia, I acted as though her pants contained a car bomb or hammerhead shark. Her vagina had become the trunkless elephant in the tiny room of our relationship, and she was looking for an experienced snout.

"I need a guy that's a challenge," she said, patting my piping-hot and urine-soaked leg.

Whilst I was lucky to learn at 15 that women prefer a challenge, some guys never get it. Rather than entice a woman with his intelligence, charm her with his humor or inspire her with his drive to succeed, some guys just hoist up their belly fat, snap a photo of their uncleansed balls, and serve them up to your computer screen like two cheese squares extracted from the hair bin at a Siamese cat groomer. Then they wonder "Where's the bitches at?" News flash: For women, the three most plentiful resources on this earth are air, water, and hard loser cock.

Adam heard the rumor that women love a challenge and took it literally, constructing a dating challenge for his personal ad daring you - I'll say that again, daring you - to make him want to sleep with you. Please ignore the fact Adam would sleep with you even if you arrived wearing horseshoes, a cast iron welding helmet, and spent the first hour eating dead houseflies off his kitchen floor.

Further ignore the fact that 99% of the single guys I know can easily go three days without sex. Clear the bench by snapping off a quick batch of Keebler elves and we'll be perfectly content watching a show about logging. Personally, I've gone three months, which might explain why I spent last night on a park bench in the red light district generously sprinkling crack rocks on the ground for prostitutes.

Finally, ignore the definition of challenge, which technically requires a winner. In Adam's challenge, even Helen Keller could see she loses either way. A facial from the spa first requires a facial from Adam, and even if you "lose", you owe a dumbass two hours of your time, a chunk of cow and a film about robots.

You missed the point Adam. To women, a challenge is a guy that does not want to sleep with them at all. They want to earn it. If a woman just wants cock, she can hurl a baboon turd out her window and hit any random guy walking along the street and he would happily tax her pussy like the IRS.

And really, any woman with intact synapses knows that's all you're after anyway. That's not a challenge. You're just another clueless online asstard trying to get his dick wet under the guise of a challenge no more difficult than beating a fire hydrant at Scrabble.

I have seen the future, and for you it has no vadgepass.

Enjoy.

85 comments:

agustin96 said...

tooooooo funny!!!

But "the more sexual in your windows" wtf?? Is that date number two where he sits in the bushes outside my house and watches me??

Anonymous said...

What can I add that Weasel already hasn't? Thanks for the genius commentary. I've only been reading this blog for a couple of weeks now but love every self-deprecating story and vivid simile.
I actually met my ex on Craigslist. We're still really good friends. He's normal and sane. This blog makes me think his ad might have been the only one!

Anonymous said...

hehehe....I'm in there like swimwear NOT!!!

Esque said...

Everytime I try and advocate that males and females are not different species but merely products of a divided society ads like this take that hypothesis, spit on it, and then hand it back to me with an F because the paper doesn't absorb as well as it should. @.@;; Amazing what having a dick does to people.

Unknown said...

I find his sentence fragments and disjointed writing far more challenging than anything he's proposing! So sad... :)

Walk On said...

agustin96- yeah, I couldn't figure that out either. Unless he's thinking of Amsterdam's red light district and that we should all be posing in windows for him?

Grotesque - it's best described as having two heads but only enough blood to work one of 'em at a time. ;)

and lmao Weasel, I don't know why I even bother reading the ads anymore, your comments are all I care about.

"a challenge no more difficult than beating a fire hydrant at Scrabble."...-chortle-

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

Yeah WTF is the "more sexual in your windows" thing about? Having a lot of porn on your computer?

>>spent the first hour eating dead houseflies off his kitchen floor<<

*falls over laughing*

Anonymous said...

Oh lord. Adam here makes me wonder how some people function in society. If he thought this was a good idea I sincerely hope that he does not have any real responsibility in the world because he is REALLY stupid.

Also, I notice that he has failed to enlighten all of the lucky ladies scrambling to "win" the challenge as to how "Hott" he is. Hmmm. What could this suggest? I wonder...

David Brenner with a sex change said...

Weasel, you do not disappoint! LMAO at at you on a park bench sprinkling crack rocks as ho bait and gals hurling a baboon turd out their window to get their pussy taxed like the IRS. You are one damn funny dude. I haven't recovered from the horse licking peanut butter off the window sill yet and I'm still working on constructing some mutton panties to save money on blades. You are a comedic visualization mastermind.

Anonymous said...

Haha, I dunno, Weas, I think "two hours" of our time is generous. The meeting, the "convincing," and the subpar sex could probably all be accomplished in fifteen minutes or less with a loser like this.

Weasel said...

HEYYYYYY READERS!!!

Man I miss you guys. I've been getting fucking KILLED at work, so stick with me guys. The posts may come fewer these days, but they aren't going anywhere.

I've been hauling 60 hour weeks, and those of you that have been on WWHM for a while know it takes me at least 6 hours to do a post.

Bear with me, I sure hope to get back to a normal schedule soon. (Though I've been saying that forever.)

Thank you for all your emails, I try to get time to respond to them but it's hard to get to them all.

But I read 'em all and I read through all the comments too, I'm always here.

Thanks for sticking with me, you guys are the fucking greatest fans in the world.

-The Weasel

austriancurls said...

*spewing early morning coffee*

Oh my gawd, I've never laughed so hard after just getting up in my life.#
News flash: For women, the three most plentiful resources on this earth are air, water, and hard loser cock.


HAHAHAHA....

Weasel, fantastic work this time. It's a Hall of Famer.

@Grotesque

I'm sure my neighbors think I have lost it as I'm sure they can hear me for miles roaring with laughter.

RebelJubilee said...

Great post, Weasel! Makes me wonder, though, what they'll come up with next.

Eccentric_Lady said...

"the more sexual in your windows " - The twit's a stalker. Niiice...so not only does he have the sorriest challenge I've heard, he's a friggin' peeping tom. Maybe that should be considered cheating - he's getting his rocks off prolly while 'restraining' himself from having sex due to the lousy game he's playing. Ha, sorry news to Adam - his game isn't the only game in town!

Thanks to the brilliant commentary, Weasel, got soda pop to clean off my monitor now. "If a woman just wants cock, she can hurl a baboon turd out her window and hit any random guy walking along the street and he would happily tax her pussy like the IRS."

westfalenpony said...

"in your windows" = "innuendos"?

maybe?

Nosnikta said...

Omg... I had to read through all this and go back to read the "in your windows again". HA HA HA HA! wtf?

THIS totally grossed me out: "hoist up their belly fat, snap a photo of their uncleansed balls, and serve them up to your computer screen like two cheese squares extracted from the hair bin at a Siamese cat groomer"...

GOOD JOB WEASE!

Anonymous said...

westfalenpony said...
"in your windows" = "innuendos"?

maybe?

OMG! Not even this noz could be that stupid, could he?!?!?

Hold me closer Tony Danza.

Anonymous said...

I could be wrong, but by windows I think he means the way the woman will display herself and her hotness--dress, make-up, her eyes, her attitude. It is an odd term that I've never heard of before, but I read it that way initially.

hellkell said...

Now I have to find a way to work "air, water, and hard loser cock" into a conversation.

SweetPea said...

"vadgepass"

*snort* that one is soon to be a classic

Anarkissed said...

yes, "in your windows" is his idea of what innuendos means. Reread it "the more sexual your innuendos..." and it reads. The guy really is that stupid, that's why he thinks this ad will get him laid. Guys like that should just go find themselves a beer slut and get it over with.

B.K. said...

This sounds like an older version of my ex whose name just happens to be Adam. I'm a little frightened that it's actually him. Haha.

Great job, Weasel!

Anonymous said...

Hey Adam, I have a better idea: you have one year to convince any woman out there to try your challenge.

If you win, everyone who commented on this thread will send you twenty bucks or a picture of themselves in sexy lingerie.

When you lose, you get yourself sterilized, offer your services to a reputable charity as the bait in a dunk tank (with the text of your ad posted beside the tank) and swear to send any personal ads or written communications you have with the opposite sex to Weasel for perusal.

TornadoBaby said...

"in your windows" is supposed to be "innuendos"?

... FAIL

Anonymous said...

Weasel, you don't really sprinkle crack rocks on the ground for the prostitutes, do you?

But seriously, you've outdone yourself this time. Baboon turds? Siamese cat groomer? Air, water, and loser cock? I think I just shit myself.

For Adam and losers like him:

If you can't buy your own "real" steak dinner and go to your own boring guy movie, I don't want to go out with you. And I can buy my own damn day at the spa, thank you very much. I'll pick a nice spa that serves lunch with mojitos, instead of the cheapest dump you can pull out of the white pages.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about the 60 hour work weeks, Weas. Seriously, though, I don't care how few and far between the posts are. I keep checking back cause I know the next one will be worth the wait.

AmyB said...

I just love this blog. It's always good for a laugh, especially Weasel's commentary. Though I have to admit, sometimes these ads make me want to hide under a rock and never talk to a man again, except the safely married ones! (Though sadly, I fear a few of these ads are from married men.)

I'll keep tuning in even if the posts are infrequent. They're worth the wait.

"in your windows" = "innuendos"?

maybe?


Oh, wow. I bet you're right. This guy must have the IQ of a toothpick.

Mack Truck said...

I love you Weasel. Really.

If I didn't already have an SO, you'd be first on my list for a vadgepass.

Well, behind Johnny Depp and Robert Downey Jr., that is. Hey in that crowd, third ain't bad!

Cut-N-Jump said...

So lets see here...

Thre dates to get him to sleep with me. No time frame for each said date so no real set standard by how much time I must spend with him to bag him...

Then there's no guarantee he is any good and worth sleeping with to begin with.

So as a reward for wasting XX hours with him and lousy sex to boot, I get a facial at the spa?

I think it would be worth it to just pay for my own spa day and get the services I really wanted instead. Besides there isn't the risk of a pregnancy or STD's involved.

Cut-N-Jump said...

Weasel- as you so often put it,

We fucking love you too.

Take your time. We will all be here waiting for the next post.

Maybe a bit impatiently, but waiting nonetheless.

Just don't get your thong stuck on the car door handle! *wink*

Anonymous said...

Vadgepass - loves it!

Great post again Weasel

SassyAssy said...

OMG...your commentary is priceless. Weasel...you rock!

NYCowgirl said...

Another appearance by the term "vadgepass".

Love. It.

Anonymous said...

Well, nothing is a substitute for new 100% pure Weasel commentary, but the fine folks @ Desperately Seeking do a good job with personals too, and Weasel mentioned them a while back.

That blog is NSFW and the innocent. Those weiner pictures Weasel doesn't like looking at? It's their stock and trade. Y'all be warned.

Anonymous said...

Speaking as the owner of a penis, I can only say this Blog has made me laugh till the tears are rolling down my cheeks. So damn funny.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

I read it outloud and came up with "innuendos" as well - it took reading past it before I went "oh! wait, what?!"

Fucking genius as always, Weas. We'll still be here whenever you post :)

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I looked at that other site posted here "Desperately Seeking". What is it with men that they all have to photograph their penis?

Anonymous said...

hahhahhaahaah! sexual innuendo? Take that in the window Adam!

Anonymous said...

Wow. I hope he didn't actually think that was going to work. What am I saying? Of course he thought it was going to work....What a douche.

E. Waterman said...

I would rick roll this sonova bitch, or send him to goatse or tub girl or two girls one cup promising pictures of my hot bod. or something. Does this make me a bad person? Probably. Do I care? You bet your sweet butt I do NOT.

Whaaaat a douche.


Also, thank you, sir, for the lovely mental image of balls being described. I think I will never go near a mans tackle again.
Whaaaat a douche. [But you know I love you anyway, for your blog at least, not for the pants wetting.]


S. Stitchery http://serendipitousstitchery.blogspot.com/

Weasel said...

Fuck, you guys are a hell of a lot smarter than I am.

I stared at "in your windows" a thousand times and was like "WTF #%$@*#^% is that supposed to mean?"

Hyena Overlord said...

Hey Adam, I have a better idea: you have one year to convince any woman out there to try your challenge.

If you win, everyone who commented on this thread will send you twenty bucks or a picture of themselves in sexy lingerie.

Ferret Mom said "When you lose, you get yourself sterilized, offer your services to a reputable charity as the bait in a dunk tank (with the text of your ad posted beside the tank) and swear to send any personal ads or written communications you have with the opposite sex to Weasel for perusal."

I agree. And we want proof of the lady who won the challenge with pictures and post from the public part of the events.

Anonymous said...

I'm a little late at commenting on this thread, but I'm pretty sure no one wants to see me in lingerie.

Picture a cross between J Edgar Hoover and Clint Howard in a strapless number.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Lucky SC said...

I can't even begin to quote what my favorite Weasel line is from this post. There are too many to choose from.

Weas, we sure do love you... and I"m with the other one who said they could care less what the ads said, I come back looking for more hilarious weasel commentary.

We can wait as long as it takes, just don't go away!

Anonymous said...

Hey Weasel,
The more you post about how small it is and how bad you are in bed it seems you are protesting too much you know :) Why don't you do a Craigslist ad with it hanging out and let us decide.LOL.

I read your blogs every day even though I don't get a chance to post a comment like I used too.

bhm said...

Weas,
I miss your regular posts, I can't get enough.

As for the Craigs List ad...ummm..I don't know if it your kind of thing. It might be a better idea to keep everything zipped up.

Lady Meerkat said...

I've got you on Google Reader so as long as you keep posting I'll keep reading. Love your work Weasel :)

TheRealistMom said...

>>Speaking as the owner of a penis, I can only say this Blog has made me laugh till the tears are rolling down my cheeks. So damn funny.<<

Interestingly enough I own a penis too. I keep it in a jar on my nightstand.

(Sorry... couldn't help it. Carry on!)

TazziSheDevl64 said...

This numb skull is really a piece of work. Capital L for loser. Not someone I would want around and no imagination to speak of. Good one Weasel!

Unknown said...

hilarious ! I am staying xx

Mad Ange said...

I'm glad I'm not the only person who didn't get the "in your windows" comment. Did he mean "innuendos"?

I had a hard enough time getting through his random punctuating. Maybe the real challenge is he's seeking a woman who can make sense of his ad.

A Dog Person said...

This dude is challenged, whether he's on the inside or the outside of windows.

Zan said...

"...the more sexual in your windows..." may mean "sexual innuendo"...maybe?...hmmm...

The real challenge is getting through this ad without getting a headache from all the fragmented sentences and improper usage of words.

Zan said...

Okay, I posted my comment before I read MadAnge's comment...but I am also glad I was not the only one who noticed that...wtf?

Amy said...

Andy Viscontis.. omg. I loved that guy in high school.. why you ask? I think it was mostly because he didn't want ANYTHING to do with me.

A challenge is the ultimate turn on, hands down.

3maresforme said...

so f'ing funny. can't stop laughing over "3 most plentiful resourses: air, water and hard loser cock" and "hoist up their belly fat, snap a photo of their uncleansed balls, and serve them up to your computer screen like two cheese squares extracted from the hair bin at a Siamese cat groomer"

Weasel, you slay me :-)

Anonymous said...

Q:Why is there a hole in a man's penis?
That in a sec. Even I know a woman can get cock whenever and wherever she pleases, she just has to undo one more button. I hear men talking all the time in, the general terms, "she wants me to give her one." I believe the words that were removed were 'intelligent man.'
A: So his brain can get some air now and again.

Fragrant Liar said...

Oh, man. You leave me stunned. Your insights (thank god for you) and sense of humor, combined with an excellent writing ability, really shine with this post. I loved every word of it.

Thank you.

Corrina said...

The more sexual "in your windows" you are...?? WHAT? Innuendos? WHAT?

My head and uterus hurt from having read that ad.

Anonymous said...

"in your windows". Three dates, three "windows" of opportunity. Christ on a pogo stick, people...

Caramarie said...

what kind of dumb@ss challenge is this? this is just some loser who cannot afford a steak dinner. of course he is going to win, because no woman is going to sleep with him.....ever!!!!!

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