Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Judgement Day

Date Needed for Corporate Function

I am looking for an intelligent, educated, outgoing, elegant, and attractive, but most importantly, fun Caucasian or Asian girl to act as my date to my company’s outing at a 5-star restaurant.

To the Trash & Riff-Raff:
No, I am not paying you, I am not looking for an escort or a hooker…friggin’ skanks. If you are a single mom, live with your parents, don’t have a college degree, “working through beauty school”, or “getting over my ex who is in prison”--please contact me, so I can belittle your life choices.

If you can’t see your toes due to your gut, smoke or dip (ew), can’t hold your booze or depend on it to live, or have ever been involved with the words “ganja” or “blow”--don’t contact me, I’ll vomit on my keyboard.

If “personal expression” or “individuality through art” concepts are important to you, then by God, don’t get tattoos where idiots have them: neck, behind the ear, wrists, or any other places that state: “I will never have a professional career”.


To the Snobby Crowds:
No, I am not needy nor am I socially disabled, I hate bars and situations where I have to compete for your attention with meatheads, thugs, guidos, and guys old enough to be your dad: You aren’t better than me, and yes, while you are doing me a huge favor, take it as an interim interview period for yourself. Think of it as spring training before a grueling baseball season.

Please disregard me if the following applies to you: If you got your job because “daddy knows some people”, “My self-esteem is reflected in my implants”, “I always get my way--just like the Disney princesses I grew up watching” or “I LOVED Sex & the City”. I naturally hate you.

Now to Those That Still Are Applicable:
Thank you. I apologize for seeming to be an asshole, I hope it didn’t take having a kid, an abortion, or a shitty ex to make you realize how important having a good guy is. I hope you take my cynicism and sarcasm as my way of curbing my naturally aggressive tendencies of dealing with idiots of all genders and races.


Seth

I'm not saying Seth is judgemental or hates women, but last time I went over to his house for an anti-abortion party, he served a bowl of Democrat-flavored Hymen Chex.

We had a great time until his girlfriend Qing Tze accidentally voiced her opinion on the room temperature, at which point he wrapped her in a Confederate flag, forced her to tear up a copy of the Equal Rights Amendment, then deported her to Guangzhou, China. Where, ironically, she now sews American flags for 13 cents an hour.

Having exhausted the local supply of really fun and drug-free deaf, mute, and blind white women with natural breasts, dead fathers and no opinions, Seth now turns to the internet to find a date for a corporate function at a 5-star restaurant. After belittling your life choices, threatening to vomit on his keyboard, and proclaiming his natural hatred for 95% of the women in society, Seth ends his lengthy diatribe by self-righteously touting himself as "one of the good guys" and begging you to excuse his "cynicism and satire." Interesting, because the only way anyone would consider this ad "satire" is if Seth began the ad with a question like "Wouldn't it be funny if some angry fucking impotent cocksucker wrote an ad as horrible as the one I'm about to write?"

If pussies were eyelids, Seth's personality is tear gas. Casting stones from his lonely glass house, Seth passes judgement like an obese owl passes mouse bones. Tattooed women, hairdressers and single mothers all incur the vicious wrath of his tragically microscopic genitalia; sure, perhaps I'd be angry too if my penis resembled a cold and frightened seahorse nibbling at two salad capers, but I wouldn't take it out on the single mothers for which I was the cause. Single mothers become single mothers because of dicks like Seth. I'd try to leave him too, at least before an archaeologist from Chevron started chipping away at my fossilized vagina with a screwdriver.

If you think your dick is dry now Seth, your ad hasn't helped you. If I may quote you, think of it as spring training before a grueling baseball season. In two months your penis will crumble into a fine cock powder, accessing the throat of a female only if chopped with a razor and insufflated through a Burger King milkshake straw.

If you need someone to "act as your date" Seth, you're going to need Meryl Streep, who will likely win an Oscar for her performance as a woman who excuses herself to the bathroom and never returns. Otherwise, find a proctologist or someone else who can easily spend two hours with a painful asshole.

So huff and puff all you want Seth.

You're only going to end up blowing yourself.

126 comments:

CSY said...

Wow! I am SO glad I'm not dating anymore! Seth needs to grow up!

Persnickety Ticker said...

Wow.

Think anyone at that 5 star restaurant will notice his date is inflatable?

That is, if the blow up doll that he chooses doesn't up and run screaming from the very sight of him...

just in luv said...

"sure, perhaps I'd be angry too if my penis resembled a cold and frightened seahorse nibbling at two salad capers"

This is uh-mazing. Seriously. I laughed so hard!

Rhea said...

Oh my god!!! I am a single mom so I can't answer Seth ad. ...well that and I have self esteem and refused to be treated that way.

I do not understand men.

fairy-firefly said...

What a douchebag.
Where does he get off criticizing anyone...he's the fucktard that's on the internet looking for a date because every time he approaches a woman in real time, her vagina snaps closed like a bear trap and she runs screaming in the other direction.
Perhaps he should invest in one of those real looking sex dolls. It's perfect for him. It doesn't speak, has no thoughts and he can pretend he's having a wonderful conversation with someone who actually tolerates him.

Kim said...

You know...I could probably answer this ad. I'm white, don't smoke or drink or any of that nasty stuff, I suppose I'm cute enough...

Still, I wonder what his fellow employees would think of him if his "date" showed up nine months pregnant with a wedding band on her finger. ^.^ But hey! I meet the criteria!

schammieschammie said...

OMG, I am still reeling from the wonderfully hysterical analogies you created, Weasel.

*bows in gratitude*

"perhaps I'd be angry too if my penis resembled a cold and frightened seahorse nibbling at two salad capers"

*snorting more coffee up nose* I just get the BEST VISUALS...

Thank you, gracias, merci, etc.

Pegolas said...

Thank God I depend on booze to live.

Pam C. said...

Persnickety Ticker has it right. No living, breathing woman can hope to attain to the perfection that is Seth. Sorry ladies. You need not apply. I for one will go lament my life choices.....and give my husband a big, grateful kiss. Thanks, Weasel - you always make me laugh.

H. said...

This is the most offensive thing I've seen in a long time. I usually don't hate anyone--especially someone I've never met. This "man" (if so he may be called) is definitely an exception.
Notice he says nothing about his own life and character, aside from the acknowledgement that he's not high-class himself.

polyurejane said...

Actually I'd say that if these were just his criteria for dating in general, this is completely fair. Nothing wrong with looking for a professional woman, and really nothing wrong with saying you'd prefer no kids or certain baggage. Honest personal preference.

Granted, you shouldn't spend your entire personal ad doing this when you're a lonely schmuck who feels left out because he can't get a date to a work function...

That being said, I do get fed up with guys who more or less interview me with excessively detailed personal criteria when I first meet them. I once had a guy ask me if I'd been to any foreign countries recently where I might have been exposed to tropical diseases. No joke. He also asked me if I'd killed anyone.

hellkell said...

Seth is the reason Real Dolls were invented.

He needs to get a grip (on something other than himself).

SweetPea said...

My extremely gay friend Alex would fit the bill nicely...

No bad habits
Takes extremely good care of himself
Is very good looking
Doesn't care to voice opinions
Has no "extra" or "enlarged" parts

Did Seth specify his date needed to be female?

Anonymous said...

apparently Seth is a self loathing homosexual who hasn't yet come to terms with his inner desires.

Quinton Crisp

Lolly said...

Know what's funny? I've put counter fake ads up on craigslist, describing to the T the only acceptable penis and wallet size I desire and I always get my ad kicked. And it always makes me LMAO.

Oh, and if you place one that requests 'normal' men, the responses you'll get are fucking demented. I never say what 'normal' means but somehow the simple description pisses not-so-normal men off. Wonder why?

::::perplexed doe-eyed stare::::

Eccentric_Lady said...

LOL

Seth's reality check bounced and then flopped!

"I'd try to leave him too, at least before an archaeologist from Chevron started chipping away at my fossilized vagina with a screwdriver.

ROFL - and he wonders why he can't get any...

Great job Weas!

Cut-N-Jump said...

Persnickety Ticker said...
Wow.

Think anyone at that 5 star restaurant will notice his date is inflatable?

That is, if the blow up doll that he chooses doesn't up and run screaming from the very sight of him...
_______________

I spewed my coffee invisioning instead, somone jabbing her with a pin and pphhhhbbbbbbbbbbbttttt she goes flying about the room.

I needed that.

Now I need paper towels.

ROFLMAO!

elffire78 said...

Good Gods! Douche bags like this recent specimen have their heads shoved so far up there asses they can see their small intestines! >:(

And what the fuck is up with dudes always blatantly specifying stuff like "no fat chicks!" I mean, I know we all have certain preferences (I for one am not attracted to short men), but why is a voluptuous woman so offensive to some men? Are they worried we'll make them look even more small and insignificant than they already are?! LOL!! :P

Weasel, I really love your last statement and look forward to using it myself: "
So huff and puff all you want Seth. You're only going to end up blowing yourself." :D

Meanwhile, please excuse me while I do some online price checking for a vibrator...

Anonymous said...

elffire78:

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "no fat chicks". Like you said, everyone has their own preferences. Personally I could never, ever date an overweight person. Most overweight people do not take decent care of themselves which I find -extremely- unattractive.

I eat well and exercise, I want a partner who does the same.

Jason Slater said...

"If pussies were eyelids, Seth's personality is tear gas." Having once been in the wrong crowd at the wrong time, I find that metaphor particularly engrossing. It was like a wasabi bomb... and I didn't get but a whiff.

It should be said that there's nothing wrong with stating your personal preferences. I don't want to date drug-users either. And I probably wouldn't be able to live with a woman who watched Sex and the City.

Still, we attract what we exude. Maybe Seth is looking for a sarcastic, self-deluded, supercilious woman. I've met a few. Conceit attracts conceit; it gives you someone to support your superiority, which is generally masking self-disdain. Miserable people need love too, or some facsimile of it.

Nosnikta said...

~~I hope you take my cynicism and sarcasm as my way of curbing my naturally aggressive tendencies of dealing with idiots of all genders and races.~~


That was CURBING????? Holy crap. This guy freaking scares me. I bet his eyes are filled with hate.

sassycowgrlca said...

* Quote Seth *
If You can’t hold your booze or depend on it to live, or have ever been involved with the words “ganja” or “blow”--don’t contact me, I’ll vomit on my keyboard

~~~
Seth is not a human male
Note he doesnt put 20 disclaimers on what type of "Blow" he means after stating it thus leaves no loophole.
>
1>*note * He wants nothing to do with somebody with experience at "Blowing"
>
2>not only does that rule out BJ's but rules out himself and anybody else feeling pitty enough to pucker up & "blow" up a Blowup doll for him...
>>>>>
Besides its all of us Vomiting on our keyboards just thinking of Seth & blow in the same day

Alison said...

Hahaha, I would actually sort of qualify for his criteria, not having any tattoos, being (what was it he said?) well educated, not having kids, not getting over an ex, etc. I'm also quiet.
Unfortunately for him, despite all that, I am, in fact, better than him (there aren't a ton of people who are worse), and I would tell him so. Then I'd tell him where to shove his add, computer and all.

Anonymous said...

Actually he is perfect for my roommate!

elffire78 said...

Re: Anonymous comment:

As off-putting as I find your preferences to be regarding "no fat chicks" I can (grudgingly) accept your narrow opinion.

However, by saying "Most overweight people do not take decent care of themselves" is simply a gross overstatement, because many overweight people *do* take excellent care of themselves. It's a proven scientific fact that a vast majority of overweight people are that way as a result of genetics - not because they are lazy or whatnot...

Like I said before, I'm not attracted to short men, but that doesn't mean fault them for being that way.

Oh, and for the record, as a voluptuous woman, I've encountered PLENTY of wonderful upstanding men who find me quite sexy.

Mel said...

What an arsehole.

Mack Truck said...

Sooo this guy is SUCH a catch, that he has to advertise for a date.

Anyone else see a problem with this little scenario?

He says he's not into the "bar scene", which translated means he's such an assbucket, and been rude to every woman within a 300 mile radius, that he isn't welcome in ANY bar in the area.

I like how he says "dinner at a 5 star restaurant", like somehow that makes him speshul and important. Because, y'know, women could NEVER afford to go someplace like that on their own!

I'm not going to get into the "no fat chicks" debate, because everyone likes different things.

I like tall men with some extra body weight. Yes, I'm a chubby chaser. That doesn't mean I can't appreciate a hard bodied man when I come across one.

Seth makes me glad that I'm too old, fat, and poor for him. Never thought those things would come in useful!

Anonymous said...

You never run out...an owl passing mouse bones. I have pissed myself laughing again

Cretin Country

Anonymous said...

elffire78, you go girl! Thank you for educating yet another person who doesn't know squat about us voluptuous ladies. It's such a pity that he just assumes we're all dirty filthy things because he can't see past what's on the outside and therefore assumes fat = dirty. Really speaks for his heart.

Of course, when I get shot down for being fat, there's this wonderful sense of self satisfaction that I get when I tell someone "It's ok, I don't need you. I've got more money than you can wrap your narrow little head around." And leave it at that. :) Funny how that always seems to change mens minds.

nip/tuck said...

Wow... It's good to be back. It's been WAY too long since I've read your work, Weasel, and I really needed a good laugh today. I guess that's why we all love you! Thanks!

HaHaHaThud said...

people actually say "riff-raff"? who knew...

Luminos said...

Bleah!
The detailed list of unrealistic expectations is a nice touch, especially when the opening is a whiny plea for a cheap-ass alternative to an escort service.
*eyeroll*

My Name Is Alex said...

As a guy, while I find Seth's comments rude, inappropriate and ultimately futile, I can't help but think as to why he's getting so much attention because of this. He is looking for some sort of significance in life, and he gets that from demeaning others, in this case women. Simply ignoring people like this is the best way for them to disappear or change, as right now we are just feeding his need for attention.

And to the writer of the blog, while it's hard for me as a male to understand your frustrations and anger, I can't help but wonder at the many references to his..masculinity shall we say. Simple name calling like that, while maybe a good way to vent some anger in a safe environment never gets to the root of the problem, in fact it makes you seem just as bad as Seth.

Tasha said...

The Meryl Streep comment was great!

Jill said...

If Seth really wants to exclude women who like Sex and the City, he's cutting out at least 75% of eligible women who would meet all the other criteria. He must really hate that show.

Melissa Lee said...

Mike, I've never read one of your stories where I didn't laugh out loud.

Anonymous said...

"take it as an interim interview period for yourself." says Seth.

Yeah, because he's given you SO many reasons to want to pass his interview! Let's see... five-star dinner which I ASSUME he'll pay for, and all you know about him is that he hates a lot. Mmhmm. Can't wait!

Oh and to the Alex who claimed Weasel's "name calling" makes him "seem just as bad as Seth"... ... um no actually I'm not sure that's possible. Heh. XD

golublog said...

Perhaps fancy date are not best found on craiglist.

kryrinn said...

sounds like the boy I went to senior prom with. not exactly like his mother? Not skinny enough? Have my own opinions? Have my own life? and I thought I was good enough for him?

Some people really need to get over themselves. Your dick is not a temple.

foghorn said...

Damn...the obese owl comment made me laugh so hard that only insects could hear me.

Seth, just a bit of advice : if you do not wish to remain a virgin, then you should set your grossly immature standards lower.

lamexicanita86 said...

Hymen Chex. Obese owl. Mouse bones. Burger King micropenis shake. Sounds like the next hit flavor.

lamexicanita86 said...

To My Name Is Alex:

Go fuck yourself. It felt so good to say that.

mr. mrs. fangface said...

My Name is Alex:

Obviously it's easy for Weasel, as a male, to understand his frustration and anger.

Gryph2 said...

... Cyg's promising to castrate me if I ever act like these losers...

Not that she doesn't usually promise that for various things. >.>

-Gryph

elffire78 said...

To My Name is Alex:

Don't you know the topic of this blog? Try reading more entries and you'll see a common and worth-while theme here.

Sure this guy is getting PLENTY of attention now, but am certain it's not the kind of attention he want, lol!

foghorn said...

It's called 'Why Women Hate Men'. It's NOT called 'Why Women Should Ignore Idiots'. Ok, Prat...err, Alex?

Cut-N-Jump said...

Alex seems to have stolen Seths thunder.

You want all the attention. You bitch!

That will make everyone talk about ME!

Alex = Seth.

Good job there Alex.

What a douchebag!

elffire78 said...

“elffire78, you go girl! Thank you for educating yet another person who doesn't know squat about us voluptuous ladies. It's such a pity that he just assumes we're all dirty filthy things because he can't see past what's on the outside and therefore assumes fat = dirty. Really speaks for his heart.” <-- You’re very welcome my fellow anonymous voluptuous sister, and well said!! :D

In fact, not too long ago (and still in many countries today), being heavy and curvy was considered a sign of wealth and fertility. ;)

SO think on THAT the next time you fat chick haters are desperately trying to impregnate your penniless anorexic gf, lol!

Oh yeah, and I can see my toes just fine….well enough to give myself a damn good pedicure. :D

Necie said...

Ohh..... this is what this blog was made for!

SeriousCat said...

Wow, what an arsehole, I'm all for honesty and the like, but WOW.

Anonymous said...

I don't think curvy = fat. I think fat = fat. And fat people clearly don't take care of themselves. Maybe when someone says they don't like fat people, what they really mean is they don't like fat people. geesh..
I also think it's a convenient delusion that "the vast majority" of fat people are like that from genetics. Some yes, most no.

To Alex > Weas does the name calling cus it's funny... you couldn't figgure that out?

bhm said...

elffire78 said...
Oh, and for the record, as a voluptuous woman, I've encountered PLENTY of wonderful upstanding men who find me quite sexy.
=======

Excellent post. I also find that since I've gained weight that there many nice looking men that give me attention.

JohnieRotten said...

Alex said:

And to the writer of the blog, while it's hard for me as a male to understand your frustrations and anger, I can't help but wonder at the many references to his..masculinity shall we say. Simple name calling like that, while maybe a good way to vent some anger in a safe environment never gets to the root of the problem, in fact it makes you seem just as bad as Seth.

____________________________

Alex

You are either a Metrosexual, or like Seth, you can't get laid either!

Anonymous said...

Everyone has preferences.
But there is a world of difference between "I'm looking for a professional, well-educated woman with no kids, who knows how to take care of herself" and "If you are a single mom, live with your parents, don’t have a college degree, “working through beauty school”, or “getting over my ex who is in prison”--please contact me, so I can belittle your life choices."

Anonymous said...

It's also a convenient delusion that all skinny people are taking care of themselves, annoying anon. Fat is just a lower-class mindset, eh?

Shapely Prose

Anonymous said...

gryph2 the podcaster?

geez, weasel, how do you find all these people i've forgotten about to comment on your blog?

rusty said...

Omg, what kind of personality disorder does this dink have, wow!

Anonymous said...

Maybe the fat hater anon is fat himself. That's what I always find so funny. You'll see guys loudly declaring "NO FAT CHICKS EVAR!!ONEELEVENRAAWR!" When in fact, they themselves could stand to lay off the beer and cheeseburgers, maybe get off the couch and clean up after themselves instead of depending on a woman to do it for them.

Gentlemen, may I remind you that America is getting wider in the waist and soon, you're skinny little arm candy is going to be extinct. Beggars can't be choosers, but if they don't snap out of what society says of the robust and curvy, then, you're gonna need a roll of toilet paper, some hand lotion and a playboy because you've alienated anyone who would give you the time of day.

Anonymous said...

"It's also a convenient delusion that all skinny people are taking care of themselves, annoying anon."

Absolutly! I should have also stated that in my post. I'm the same anon who typed 'curvy doesn't = fat', iow annoying anon.
Love,
Annoying Anon.

Anonymous said...

That link to "Shapely Prose" isn't helping the "curvy acceptance" band wagon. What delusional, fanatical, idiot would try to say that being fat makes you healthier. Really makes the battle that much harder for us that actually are healthy but not thin.

Anonymous said...

lol@ commentor who apparently feels happy because they get to tell men "It's ok, I don't need you. I've got more money than you can wrap your narrow little head around." I didn't know money could buy you happiness, idiot. Why don't you buy some exercise equipment? The endorphins from exercising might actually make you happier. Also, elffire78 I know fat was a sign of wealth and still is in cultures with a low food supply, in our culture of plenty weight has nothing to do with wealth. Not everyone who is thin is penniless, and most thin people are not anorexic. In fact, much of today's obesity is concentrated among people of lower income levels since "bad" food such as fast food and junk food is cheap.

Corrina said...

He makes me want to take up crack, in addition to my alcoholic ways.

If vaginas could vomit, surely Seth would induce that.

AmyB said...

LOL at this ad and the commentary. It's funny how an ad that says almost nothing about the guy posting it, and instead is devoted almost entirely to his ranting about all the kinds of women he despises, actually tells a woman everything she needs to know about him.

Anonymous said...

Dear Seth,

I fit all of your criteria. However, a guy who spends most of his ad belittling and trashing others is not someone I'd want to spend any time with. (Seriously? "So I can belittle your life choices?" I'll bet you're fun at parties.) A chip on the shoulder is a real turn-off.

@anon "I didn't know money could buy you happiness, idiot. Why don't you buy some exercise equipment?"

I'm sending you a shoehorn in the mail. Please use it to pry your head out of your ass.

Yet another anon said...

@bhm: "I also find that since I've gained weight that there many nice looking men that give me attention."

Likewise here. Far more frequent, better, and meaningful sex since I became "plus-sized." It isn't all down to personality, either; I get regularly checked out just walking down the street in NYC, and by actually attractive men, at that.
And as for those who believe that being overweight is entirely within our control - I used to have an eating disorder that wrecked my metabolism. When you starve yourself long-term, and then eat in a normal, healthy fashion, your body acts like you're gorging, and you put on weight, even at 1500 calories a day. I don't always have time to exercise, so I'm overweight, but since it keeps $h!theads like Seth at bay, what incentive do I have? Let the guys who either like or don't mind extra weight enjoy the fact that fat girls like sex at least as much as skinny ones, and maybe more.

Pipkin said...

You know, I've never figured out what exactly is meant by "no fat chicks." Guys say this like there's a well-defined, well-known bright line between fat and thin. I guess I want a chart or something, dork that I am, so I know if I should contact a guy or not.

Anonymous said...

"lol@ commentor who apparently feels happy because they get to tell men "It's ok, I don't need you. I've got more money than you can wrap your narrow little head around." I didn't know money could buy you happiness, idiot. Why don't you buy some exercise equipment?"

Why? I've got dough in the bank and the world at my fingertips. What more do I need? And last time I checked, I'm pretty happy. Now you, you sound like a miserable little person who likes to attack others out of petty insecurities and jealousy.

Weasel said...

Thanks for the comments guys- good and bad. I read everything. I dish it out- I can take it in.

Someone on here mentioned somewhere why I would call Seth names, which essentially makes me just as bad as Seth.

Well, first, I write comedy. Or I try.

Second, I don't mock those who don't reap what they sow.

This guy wrote an ad saying he wanted to belittle peoples life choices, that he hated them, and that others made him want to vomit.

He attacks people for no reason, so I attack him.

Fair and square.

Rather than destroy everyone he doesn't like, he ought to spend a little more time looking at his own shortcomings. Or in his case, A LONG TIME.

I've met people like this.

Boy, are they miserable.

I approach everybody new assuming they are the greatest person in the world.

People like this approach everybody by immediately judging them and hating them.

Fun!

We've all fucked up in life. BOOOYYYY, have I fucked up in my life.

This guy needs to acknowledge his own fuck-ups rather than judging others.

Moonbrained Mare said...

perhaps I'd be angry too if my penis resembled a cold and frightened seahorse nibbling at two salad capers

Yes, because every woman dreams of someday subcontracting out her vagina as a practice facility for young boys whose oral skills resemble a field mule gnawing corn kernels out of a fencepost.

You sir, are a genuine poet. I salute you and wish I could have quoted you in my college English classes. The teacher wouldn't have liked it but I'm sure it would have inspired the masses ...

hellkell said...

The men who write "NO FAT CHICKS!!!ELEVENTY!!!" are shooting themselves in the foot in a way, as 9 out of 10 women will always think they're fat/overweight/not perfect and not answer.

Anonymous said...

I am not overweight or heavy..I'm considered slender and fit (although I am fairly curvy), but I would NEVER date a man who judged overweight women and had the whole "No Fat Chicks" rule.

I may be skinny and in shape now, but I know I wont be when I'm older and have had kids. Guys that refuse to date "fat chicks" make horrible husband/long term prospects. They are the ones that leave their wives after they give birth to THEIR children because they are no longer "attractive" (read: carrying a few extra pounds of baby weight). Real women arent like celebrities..we dont go back to a size 0 two months have giving birth. Okay, there are some blessed women who are naturally tiny and couldnt gain weight to save their lives, but the majority of women arent like that.

The guy I'm dating right now is like that. He believes that the only reason women gain weight during/after pregnancy is because they are lazy. He thinks that a woman should hit the gym as soon as she gives birth..you know, in between all-night feedings, diaper changes, housework, and sleep time (if there is such thing). I'm only 18 so we arent like seriously dating and talking about marriage, but he is definately not a guy I would ever consider marrying down the road. Actually, I'm not sure I see myself being with him much longer as it is. Assholes are always assholes.

Anonymous said...

18 year old anon: You have wisdom beyond your years, please don't let the guy your dating trap you.

elffire78 said...

Well said Anonymous gal directly above me! :)

I haven't always been heavy, but I use to date a guy back in my thinner days who had a "not fat chick" rule (which really put me off!). Funny thing is I actually gained 30 lbs a few months after going on the pill, lol! As annoying as it was, I'd rather be over weight than have that guy's children!

The kind of men I attract now have no problem with my being over weight - these are the kind of guys who think women are beautiful no matter what shape and size they come in. And indeed, these are the kind of men I know I can rely on not to leave me over some weight fluctuations.

I'm sorry to hear your bf feels that way Anon, and hope he wises up as he gets older. :)

elffire78 said...

a friend of mine was dumped by her looser boy friend because she was "too heavy" for his taste....only to hook up with this thin little brat who turned out to be a complete PSYCHO!

Now he's miserable and my friend could care less about his sorry ass, lol!

Fiver said...

Me too, Pipkin. I want to know the exact definition of "average", too.

Anonymous said...

"Why? I've got dough in the bank and the world at my fingertips. What more do I need? And last time I checked, I'm pretty happy. Now you, you sound like a miserable little person who likes to attack others out of petty insecurities and jealousy."

I'm not really sure where you saw evidence of insecurities or jealousy in my post, I just find it sad that you feel the need to tell men you have money to achieve that "sense of satisfaction" and seem to believe other people share your dependence on money for happiness. If you're talking to a man who actually cares about how much money you have, chances are he probably cares about other external details such as your weight. Don't be surprised that they are shallow in more ways than one. Oh, and I am not miserable at all, I am actually very happy.

Cut-N-Jump said...

Can I just remind everyone in the "No Fat Chicks" debate, these guys are looking for a 'trophy wife' or 'trophy girlfriend'.

Big deal!

Where do most trophies end up?

On a shelf covered in dust and cobwebs.

I'm betting this is NOT the outcome most of us are shooting for as our ultimate goal in life.

Let them have their 'trophies', while the rest of us get on with living.

elffire78 said...

Cut-N-Jump:

"Let them have their 'trophies', while the rest of us get on with living." <-- Agreed!! :D

And I for one would rather be a fat ass than some ass hat's trophy.

In any event, I think I've said all there is to say in this "no fat chicks" debate...so I rest my case. :)

bhm said...

Actually, I'm not sure I see myself being with him much longer as it is. Assholes are always assholes.
-------------

Words of wisdom, Anon. I bet this guy isn't a judgmental towards his male friends. For some reason, some men think that being female is reason enough to make her the focus of his attacks and hatred.

Cut-N-Jump said...

elfire78-
And I for one would rather be a fat ass than some ass hat's trophy.


Indeed!

It's funny actually, the cretons seeking a 'trophy' to cover their own shortcomings are often the ones who fit every criteria they despise in the 'trophy mate' they seek.

Anonymous said...

The line between slightly overweight, overweight and obese can be conveniently located at your doctor’s office. Obviously, everyone’s different but it's a great guide line, with them being medical professionals and all.

And still another anon said...

"The line between slightly overweight, overweight and obese can be conveniently located at your doctor’s office. Obviously, everyone’s different but it's a great guide line, with them being medical professionals and all."

Most men with a "no fat chicks" rule aren't remotely close to being medical professionals, and a lot of them prefer anorexic/underweight (read: not naturally or easily occuring) women - not exactly healthy either. Nice try at establishing a guideline, but it's still down to taste in a lot of cases - one man's fat girl is another man's centerfold. One man's perfect/thin is another man's repellently skeletal and unfeminine.
I had a man who wanted to cheat on his girlfriend with me (I declined) tell me that she was so thin that he was afraid he'd break her during sex. That can't be (and apparently wasn't) attractive.
=====
As for Seth, the reason he has to advertise for a date is that he is so obnoxious that he doesn't have any female friends (much less a girlfriend) who could come along and stand in for a real date ... his personality acts as birth control AND repellent for women in general. (If I were Weasel I'd give hilariously vivid descriptions how, but I'll leave that to the master.)

Anonymous said...

"The line between slightly overweight, overweight and obese can be conveniently located at your doctor’s office. Obviously, everyone’s different but it's a great guide line, with them being medical professionals and all."

The good thing is, fat people can always lose weight. Sorry your penis is so small.

Anonymous said...

"I'm not really sure where you saw evidence of insecurities or jealousy in my post, I just find it sad that you feel the need to tell men you have money to achieve that "sense of satisfaction" and seem to believe other people share your dependence on money for happiness. If you're talking to a man who actually cares about how much money you have, chances are he probably cares about other external details such as your weight. Don't be surprised that they are shallow in more ways than one. Oh, and I am not miserable at all, I am actually very happy."

I think you missed my point. When I am bashed for my weight by a complete stranger, and it has happened before, I just tell them that I don't need them, I've got something that actually can and does make me happy. It seems to always been fat unattractive men who feel the need to try to up their self esteem by trying to undermine mine. That's something that usually wipes the self satisfactory smirk right off their faces. I too, am a very happy, care free individual with a happy, care free life.

bhm said...

It seems to always be fat unattractive men who feel the need to try to up their self esteem by trying to undermine mine.
------------

This is so true. It seems that there's an ugly ratio for men. The uglier they are the more they bash women for their looks.

Jay Leno is the king of women-bashers. This fat, old, ugly idiot repeatedly bashes women for being fat, old, or unattractive. He doesn't think that the standard applies to men.

Anonymous said...

hellkell, you called it.

I have an OKcupid account and I never ever 'woo' or otherwise contact guys that OKC matches me with, because I'm sure they'll think I'm a hideous cow.

OTOH, the ones who contact me are usually such freaks that I hesitate to contact them...folks into crotchless wetsuits and putting objects into unnatural places....

SO glad 1) I have a boyfriend who likes my body and 2) I don't really need to date in order to be happy...I'd never make it as a single lonely person.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Seth is the reason Real Dolls were invented. <<

Exactly! The Real Doll actually meets more of his qualifications than any woman I have ever met.

Seth, if you could actually pull a woman like the one you want, you'd already have her - you wouldn't be begging for a date on the Internet. The kind of women you get are a good indication of the kind of women you CAN get. As a comedian once said, look across the dinner table. That IS the best you can do.

annrkiszt said...

Took me a few days to percolate but what gets me about these guys is that they actually want me to do a self assessment to see if I'm "trash and riff raff" and WHY would I want to deal with anyone who might judge me so? At any rate Seth here looks like nobody, not even mommy, is good enough and he should just face a future clipping Mom's toenails after work.

Anonymous said...

What cracks me up about these NO FATTIES!!1! douchenozzles is that they aren't exactly going to see a fit and buff Brad Pitt gazing back at them in the mirror.

They're the first ones to whine that women don't like nice guys, but they only go for hot women half their age who won't give them the time of day. Guys who whinge about this, here's a tip: When I was in my twenties, I didn't date guys in their 40's. I didn't even really date guys in their 30's until I hit age 28 or so, and even then, it more early 30's.

Here's another tip: If a guy wants an attractive women who "takes care of her appearance" and is HWP, he should take care of his appearance and be HWP too. He should also do things like shave, comb his hair, and put on a clean shirt before snapping a pic of himself for a personal ad.

Oh, and to the inbred anon who told elffire to buy some exercise equipment--she's way to classy for the no fatty brigade or a winging piece of trash like you. It's telling how you keep coming back her to hump her leg, though.

sapphirefairy79 said...

Wow.

I love this blog. I can't believe this is my first time commenting on this or any blog that wasn't written by a friend, but we all gotta pop our cherry at some point.

So, it seems a lot of ladies have been offended by this "no fat chicks" business. As a "fat" chick I should be offended, but I'm actually not. If you want to find a physical trait so repulsive that it trumps all other redeeming qualities in a person, so ahead. It's your loss.

I'm not worried about Seth. By the time he finds a woman that fits the bill, he'll be too old to procreate. Believe me, the world doesn't need any more of you.

As for the anon who told elffire that fat people don't take care of themselves; I think you are making generalizations that are not based in fact. I take very good care of myself, and the men who are honored to have been in my life. Maybe I can't make it to the gym, because I'm too busy giving my boyfriend head. Still hate fat chicks now?

Btw, I know elffire and she is hot. Open up your mind a bit boy, or the next personal ad being trashed on this site might be your own.

elffire78 said...

To Saphirefairy78:

I LOVE YOU SWEETIE AND THINK YOU'RE DAMN HOT TOO!! :D

"Open up your mind a bit boy, or the next personal ad being trashed on this site might be your own." <-- yeah, hopefully (for the sake of humanity) he's not dumb enough to post a personal add any time soon...but would be fucking hilarious if he did. :P

Wow, who would have thought that one comment would launch a "no fat chicks" debate on here...but can't say I regret it though.

But I am actually starting to feel a little guilty for hijacking Weasel's thread, so I'm actually going to step aside *for real* this time. ;)

Shadowed Storm said...

Ok... I tried to hold my tongue, now I'm giving up...
To the lovely ass who told elffire to "buy exercise equipment" I'm 17, row about 14 hours a week, eat right and I still can't get my BMI below overweight. Wanna tell me that's not genetic? Just because we're heavy doesn't mean that we don't work out or eat right. Many of us are just unlucky with our genetic makeup

elffire78 said...

To Shadowed Storm and the last Anon poster: Thanks for your support and I totally agree with what you both said! :)

However, I feel I must make a small correction here...after looking back over this thread, it's evident to me that the "buy exercise equipment" comment was actually directed at the poster with a lot of money, not me.

...it is still a shitty ass thing to say however.

Shadowed Storm said...

Oops... I just followed the person before me... I remembered getting pissed when I read that comment, and didn't really want to dig back through all the posts to find their name again...

Anonymous said...

^^^

Re "no fat chicks"... I am 5'6" and weigh 101 pounds, and this hasn't changed significantly over the past 5 years. I hate the stares I get when I wear shorts or really anything that shows my body, because everyone is always telling me I'm too skinny. I was constantly ridiculed during middle school because I weighed 60-something pounds as a 12-14 year old.

I'd give anything to be able to gain weight, but it just doesn't happen. I don't consider myself lucky at all.

Alicia said...

If pussies were eyelids, Seth's personality would be tear gas.

As a woman, I am humbled that a penis-haver (albeit an attractive one) comes with the appropriate "scared vagina" metaphors each and every time. Leaving me satisfied, even. *SIGH* I love this blog...

bhm said...

Shadowed Storm,
Did you know that a 2000 lbs. Shire can do well on the same diet that would feed a 1000 lbs. Arabian. It's all metabolism.

I needed to work out with a heavy weigh routine three times a week, swim one to two evenings a week, join a dance group, and cycle ten miles everyday. I also needed to be on a very strict vegetarian diet before I lost weight.

Since I've had mobility problems and can't exercise, my mostly raw vegetable diet doesn't work any more and I've gained 60 lbs. Just try to tell me it's not metabolism.

Shadowed Storm said...

Umm... That's what I was saying... no matter how hard I work out and how well I eat, I still don't lose weight. Metabolism/genetics are a large factor in all of this.

brookeamanda said...

I would like to meet the woman who would read this and say "Yes! THIS is the man I've been looking for my entire life!" WTF?!

Releena said...

I love this blog! It makes me laugh a lot, my husband and I are always visiting it and laughing of Weasel's blogs and critics and of all the comments posted in each entry, it's the best to lighten up a heavy day!
About the "no fat-ladies" stuff, I believe it all depends, if it really is a genetic issue (and not just junk-food-love) people should be more tolerant. This is also the reason why I love so much raks sharki (belly dance) and hindi dance, to dance this you MUST have a real female body and being skinny does not help, a dancer with no belly does not look good in this case!
I like the fact that this kind of dance allows real women to show themselves and dance in public. It helps us all to be more confident.
This also reminds me of what Loisel said about this very issue, that women to be beautiful should always have a small amount of cellulitis in some parts of their bodies

Calantha said...

Soooooo, any bets as to what screwed-up science experiment led to this fella? I think this one tops that other guy who also posted a rather bitter ad some time ago, can't remember which entry.

Anonymous said...

Seth would HAVE to pay me to go out with him. But alas, it would never work out- I'm a big fan of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha & Charlotte!

ladibug said...

OMFG, snorting cockpowder? I think I love you. After the fight with my SO last night, this is just the type of hilarity I needed. Not to mention it made me appreciate my non-assholian man and thanks to Seth I may even forgive him. He may have a future in couples counseling.

Andi said...

Since I apparently forgot to comment on this the last 5 times I read/re-read posting, did anyone else notice that the room behind him looks like it would be his basement bedroom at his parents house???

No doubt his "corporate function" is a trip to McDonalds and the "company outing" is him and a couple other dudes.

Biskuits said...

Did anybody else wonder why, when he's posting such a stodgy, stuck-up add like this, he showed how classy and not lookie-for-nookie he is by neglecting to wear a shirt in his photo?

austriancurls said...

Weasel, you did good today. I loved your retort as to why you chose this ad. I cracked up not only throughout the post, but the comments this time are just a riot.

Usually, they can get a bit repetitive, but I must say comments are more awesome than on the new blog (how many times does one want to read an opinion on single motherhood, no offense to single mother's mine was one!)

The best today is, it is a beer and popcorn party.

Right CNJ?!

Great stuff. There's so many best bits, I cannot decide. Well, it depends on the bits.

And FUGS, shame on you!!!

You are funnier on here than your own blog :P

Anonymous said...

Hey ladies, this is a pretty funny article that applies to all you out there dating!

http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprahmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=18659202&GT1=32023

Sheila said...

I'm always amused by guys with 'no fat chicks' requests in their ads who, judging by their photographs, aren't exactly Chris Robinson themselves.

You think 'fat chicks' need to spend more time on the treadmill? You first, buddy.

Anonymous said...

Hee hee the last guy I saw with a "no fat chicks" bumper sticker was speeding across the Target parking lot cutting me off. Because he was late to work. With a rapidly-going-flat-tire.
My fatness prevented me from telling him that his tire was flat the poor dentally-challenged dear.

Anonymous said...

The last guy I saw with a "no fat chicks" bumper sticker was speeding across the Target parking lot cutting me off. Because he was late to work. With a rapidly-going-flat-tire.
My fatness prevented me from telling him that his tire was flat the poor karmically challenged dear.

NakedHousewife said...

He might have a marginally better time getting the dream date he so covets if he photoshopped the pole out of the picture. He's not casting stones from a glass house, Weasel, he's apparently casting them from his parents' basement.

shikishinobi said...

Wow! And I thought I had seen it all when the ads for mens magazines in Australia came to air. Perhaps not.
My question is that if men like Seth hate %95 of all women, why aren't they gay? It doesn't make any sense.
But I can understand his want for an asian woman, and I am not going to devulge why, and spare myself some dignity and not be mean.
If all men were like this, they would soon be extinct.

Anonymous said...

So, he wants a high-quality escort, but doesn't want to pay for her. Classy.

eventing8786 said...

wow! Seth, buddy pal friend wow you need to open your eyes! No wonder this guy is still single! He is looking for a person that is not out there! Seriously bud, you need to take a chill pill and re read what you wrote. Though Im sure he did while smiling and shaking his head pondered to himself how long until his mailbox would be full of willing women who somehow would meet his criteria~!

Insanity! all of his shit is insane! This guy needs a reality check....wow what a good laugh i got from this

Anonymous said...

'Bawww i'm a fat whore and this man is telling me the truth about what he wants to my fat face, this is obvious misogyny even though he's being truthful and upfront with me about his choices and desires. Bawwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I'd prefer it so much if he'd lie to me and say he'd like unhealthy, fat and ugly women!
Bahahahahaaaaaaaaaaawwww.'

Anonymous said...

'Bawww i'm a fat whore and this man is telling me the truth about what he wants to my fat face, this is obvious misogyny even though he's being truthful and upfront with me about his choices and desires. Bawwwwwwwwwwwwww.
I'd prefer it so much if he'd lie to me and say he'd like unhealthy, fat and ugly women!
Bahahahahaaaaaaaaaaawwww.'

What a mean dick you are. Just go ahead and include whore to make YOUR misogyny shine even more. It's fine to have your own tastes and desires, but it's just the way he put it. It's not misogynistic to have a preference for fat or thin. It wasn't just the fat comments, either. It was the general attitude of the man. However, sharing his attitude (totally devoid of compassion and kindness), you probably won't ever understand that. I used to be offended by people like you, but now you just make me sad. It must be miserable to feel such hatred all the time.

You could have just said that there was nothing wrong with personal preference, but you took it to the extreme and purposely tried to hurt someone's feelings. Your maturity level is really showing there. This comment reminds me of just how mean middle school kids can be.

wakemenow said...

Preference is one thing. What a dick.

But I can understand what a previous comment was getting at about it providing undue attention to these sort of antics, men behaving badly. Does it encourage other men to go out and write nutso ads to attract blog attention? That would be weird. But those kind of creeps are too numerous and funky to be ignored.

Plenty of us women try to ignore creeps in our day-today and internet lives, but they abound frickin' anywhere and everywhere. The internet is a jungle of overblown egos. The men wouldn't be picked on if they hadn't posted blatantly disrespectful, sexist, stupid ads addressed TO women. Why not make a comedy of it to show how lame it truly is? Probably won't help the lost find a clue, but this blog is entertaining. :)

Julia said...

Oh boo hoo hoo hoo hoo. I am SO sad that this wonderful, caring guy doesn't like me. Why, I'm just going to put down the chips and donuts, detach myself from the couch, and hop on the treadmill RIGHT NOW!!! That'll teach me not to be fat. Oh, and speaking of teaching me life lessons, I still live at home, too. Maybe I should send him a mail so I can (hopefully) be lucky enough to be lectured on the importance of not living with my parents! 'Cause, you know, I really really need to hear that.

(end sarcasm)

OTOH, maybe it's just better to not feed trolls.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Someone mentions no fat chicks and the BBWs come out in force!

Perhaps its not fat per se. A better description might be: No lazy woman who never exercises and eats unhealthy all the time.

If I take the time to eat healthy and exercise do you think I am going to want to be with someone who doesn't???

IT'S THAT SIMPLE!

Anonymous said...

Oh and have you ever noticed that if a male is fat then he's just fat.

Now women on the other hand have to be called voluptuous, BBW, curvy... blah blah blah.

There are plenty of curvy and voluptuous women who are healthy and even very athletic, ie. not fat (obese).

Fat women... quit deluding yourselves. Fat men have already accepted their fat guts and man tits as unsightly. Accept your thunder thighs and jelly rolls as something that I and a majority of people DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT.

Sami said...

Weasel, I have to thank you for defending single mothers. What he said really almost had me in angry tears. My mother made the bad decision to date my dad, and the worse decision to sleep with him. I came along, they got married, then along comes my sister. THANK GOD my mom finally left him. We were tired of the emotional and verbal abuse, the cheating, and being blamed for everything wrong with HIS life. I'm 17 now, wasn't even in preschool when they divorced, and what I remember about it still makes me so angry. This fucktard Seth needs to realize that he is the kind of person who makes a single mom a single mom. Because they finally get tired of the bullshit and figure out they have more balls than he does. We are so much better off without a deadbeat spending all the money my mother made. He had the nerve to go up to her after the divorce and say she couldn't raise us on her own. What did he think she was doing while he was with his skank girlfriend? I'm a senior in high school, soon getting a job at the library, going to college next year, on my way to publishing my first book. He lives at his brother's house, never finished high school or got his GED, dates women who can pay his bills for him, and delivers plumbing suplies. I'm already doing better than he is. Who says my mother can't raise me.
I didn't mean to rant like that but men like this really piss me off.

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Hammerhead said...

Dear Seth,

I am a Caucasian female with college education, no drug use, tattoos or children, and a BMI well within the normal range. However, I also read through your entire ad which, in hindsight, was an extremely bad life choice. Unfortunately, you broke several key requirements I have for men:

Please disregard me if the following applies to you: If you got your job because “I'm just so worthy”, “My self-esteem is reflected in my opinion of women”, “I always get my gal--just like the 60's sitcoms I grew up watching” or “I LOVED the main character in Native Son”. I naturally hate you.

Now to Those That Still Are Applicable:
Thank you. I apologize for seeming to be a bitch, I hope it didn’t take 24 years of involuntary celibacy to make you realize how important being a good guy is. I hope you take my cynicism and sarcasm as my way of curbing my naturally aggressive tendencies of dealing with chauvinistic douchebags.

The Relm Eclipsed said...

this guy can't be real...Why is it that the guys who complain about girls not going for the "nice guys" like themselves are always the meanest, nastiest little bitches a girl could ever come across?

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