Friday, May 23, 2008

WHHM Classic Edition-For Sale: Nice Lawn Chair

One of the first posts ever in WWHM- The Blog. Enjoy the nostalgia. Back when 4 people read this blog.

seeking "mature" women

Hi. I'm 5'10" 210 looking for older women for fun and companionship. 50-65 any race or size.

Reader L. sent in this lovely personal ad featuring what I must say is an absolutely fantastic lawnchair in it. Look at it back there, what with it's gleaming aluminum supports, fine interwoven nylon straps, and sturdy plastic handlebars. A finer lawnchair I have not set my eyes upon in quite some time.

I'd love to have that chair.

I'd love to sit in it in my yard, and maybe get myself a good ol' box of that Sharrdonnay crap that my grandma used to drink with a straw, causing her to occasionally release of an inordinate stream of foul and creative cursewords that would make the most seasoned Bering Sea crabber blush. That, or she'd start shooting birds in the beak with a rifle. She wasn't very pleasant.

And from that chair, I could dream. I could dream of kicking the asses of all the disgusting, hairy social ingrates who sit in their poorly lit basements naked and take perfectly good pictures of perfectly good lawnchairs but insist on putting their dicks in it.

Thinking that somehow, a woman might see this picture and think something other than "Wow, that sure is a nice lawnchair."

I agree, ladies. I agree.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Dirty Virgin

virgin needs HELP!!!! man seeking woman- 24 yrs.

someone help me im 24 and never had sex i have given oral to a girl expecting to get sex but never happened so im pretty good at it i just want something in return oral but sex would be great i hate being a virgin i can host or ill come to you.

You'll host?

By the looks of things, the only thing your petri-dish of an apartment will ever host is a mutant strain of Staphyloccus Bactegenerium Amoglotae.

Spend any more than five minutes in that cesspool of an apartment and I'd sprout a berry patch of forest mushrooms on my elbows.

Therefore, I suggest you try killing two birds with one stone.

Try fucking a maid.

Viewer Mail

Volunteer for tampons- 30 (South traste county)

I would like to volnteer to change your tampons, please contact me at XXX-XXX-XXXX

Reader CT writes in:

"Hey weaselworden my sister sent me this ad she i thought it would go good for your blog. my sister said she almost puked."

Let me tell you about puking CT.

There's two things that make me puke here at WWHM headquarters in lovely downtown Dubuque, Iowa. One is downtown Dubuque, Iowa. And two, everything else my job entails.

Do you know what it's like having to scroll through hundreds of men's personal ads every day? If I wanted to see less cock, I'd get a job in the male STD ward at the Guangzhou branch of Planned Parenthood.

And I'm not even gay, unless you give me 10 dollars and some Jolly Ranchers.

But this wannabe-tampon-changer is nothing compared to what I see.

You see, I'm a fucking pervert, and I truly even feel for the women who've had the unfortunate experience of dating me.

Not only do I cry during Matlock, but my penis is so small you could use it to knit earmuffs for a malnourished hamster. That, and my perversions in the bedroom on an average night might require a belt sander, a jar of non-sweetened pickles, two full-grown osprey and a framed photo of Bea Arthur on a ladder.

But at least I never asked to change their tampons.

And I'll be honest with you.... I wouldn't even know how it works.

I'd probably have some Scotch tape, a Band-aid, and some chewing gum. Or maybe a cork.

But on the bright side, for at least for once in my life, I would be the one asking her "Is it in yet?"

Thanks CT.