Monday, December 8, 2008

American Gigolo II

BARELY LEGAL 18 YEAR OLD(INCALL/OUTCALL)

TIRED OF OLD MEN NOT PLEASING YOU ENOUGH? WANT A YOUNG, BARELY LEGAL 18 YR OLD TO SHOW YOU A GREAT TIME? THEN THIS IS THE PLACE TO BE ;) ITS A LITTLE UNDER 8 INCHES LONG, VERY PLEASURABLE ;)I WILL DO ANYTHING YOUR MIND DESIRES, ONLY 75 HH, 100 PER HR, DIRT CHEAPPP! I DO INCALLS AT MY PLACE, FROM 6 AM TO 230 PM MONDAY THRU FRIDAY, I CAN DO OUTCALLS AT MOSTLY ANYTIME BUT YOU HAVE TO PICK ME UP EMAIL TIM AT xxxxxxx @ xxxxx.xxx

Women's fantasies have always perplexed me.

My ex-girlfriend recently introduced me to her favorite porn site titled “Erotic Stories for Women.” A typical male, I immediately scanned the titles for the nastiest sounding material, hoping to find something like “An Insatiable Throat” or “Whore Picnic at Anal Mountain” to tickle my male fancy. And perhaps my taint.

But no, this was women's porn, and most titles offered the same levels of depravity one might find at a suburban Memphis cat show. “A Midshipman's Summer” or “The Covenant of Nicole” promised little in the way of cum-drenched shenanigans, and “The Gentle Pillow” spent the first three pages detailing the playful gyrations of a forest logger's buttocks as he contemplated sparing a nest of abandoned eaglets. If this was dirty porn, the editor was a maid.

So when eighteen year-old Tim recently placed a personal ad offering his fantasy services to women for $100 an hour, I was admittedly a little perplexed. Air, water, and hard 18 year-old dicks are the most plentiful resources on our planet, and even our ever-resourceful gas stations have yet to figure out a way to charge a convenience fee for steely hard teenage cock.

I tapped a recent Askmen.com / iVillage.com survey of the top 3 women's fantasies to find out if maybe Chris was on to something. Women listed the following as their Top 3 fantasies:

#3 Abducted by a stranger for a night of hot, passionate, anonymous sex.

Tim's physique suggests he'd have a hard time abducting a de-clawed housecat from a freshly waxed marble floor. Slight of build and tattoo-free, Tim hardly resembles the hard-scrabble ex-cons many women favor for this fantasy. And most women conceded that being abducted by a greeting card store cashier on a 3-speed Schwinn bicycle and riding in the delivery basket to his parents house was just a wee bit of a stretch.

#2 Owning a man as a sex slave

It's hard to enslave a man who ejaculates when you take off your bra. And an 18 year-old man couldn't find his way around a vagina with GoogleMaps and a plastic Dallas Cowboys compass extracted from a box of Lucky Charms, so it's often difficult to instruct a man who has no idea what he's doing. Ask him to warm up your vulva, and he runs out to the garage to start your car. Tell him to moisten the hood, and he spits on his Michigan State sweatshirt.

#1 Mrs. Robinson / Shy, young virgin fantasy

Jackpot. All you insatiable, horny cougars just want an innocent young man to wear an undercooked bacon suit to your little wolverine party. To sip the nectar of youth from the shy, whimpering prisoner of his own innocence. You women disgust me, you're like .......... men with tits.

OK, I see your point, Tim. But charging $100 for your sexual services seems a little ridiculous when all a woman has to do is open her door and throw a rock to find an 18 year-old willing to fuck the eggs out of her. Do cocks grow on trees? They may as well.

A woman can hire a comedian in your area for $100, and you provide twice the laughs. Do the math.

For a list of the Top 10 female fantasies, click here. I read up on you guys for this, and your fantasies are dirty and extraordinarily whorish. I commend you with all my heart. But you should all go wash your hands right now and memorize Bible verses.

83 comments:

Lynda said...

WoooHooo! Im first!

Thanks but no thanks... I can get laid with out paying for it!

Weasel said...

Hey guys, the link I provided was not the same survey I used for this entry. I tried to re-connect, but AskMen.com repeatedly crashes my IE because it's overloaded with scripts and ads.

This one was easier.

This is todays headline ad, but I might have another entry up tonight BELOW this one, so check back tomorrow.

Jim and Garret said...

I think the only thing Tim is gonna get is a woman that no one else wanted. An attractive woman can pick up an 18 y/o easily. A female whore would most likely do well, male whore not so much.

-Garret-
http://jimandgarret.blogspot.com/

Calantha said...

Strangely enough, numbers 2 and three don't really appeal to me. Maybe because I'm in my twenties. Personally if you made the guy in #1 a werewolf . . . er, where was I?

Oh right. I didn't think anything this pathetic could come out of my home state (yep, I sent this ad in for Weasel to use as a chew-toy). And why is it that the skinny fellows always seem to have equipment that is way out of proportion to their bodies even when they're not aroused? Don't they feel weird, carting around a dick that looks more like it should belong on a hrose?

clara said...

jeeze a hundred bucks for an hour...no thanks.

as for the fantasies #1 sounds HOTT

Jim and Garret said...

Calantha, unfortunately we can't appreciate his unproportionate size because Weasel blocked it!

Just under 8" doesn't seem THAT huge, is it?

Garret

Weasel said...

Thanks for the ad Calantha!

J@G I sent your application via carrier pigeon. Put some popcorn on the roof.

Calantha said...

@Jim and Garrett: I think on a fencepost body, even 5.5 inches can look bigger than it really is.

Weasel said...

It was like small mailbox with a big flag.

Calantha said...

OK last comment for the night, I promise!

"It was like small mailbox with a big flag." LOL and exactly!

Eccentric_Lady said...

Weasel,

Gigolo at 18? What he's smoking?

o.O

I think I just heard a splat of a guy belly flopping on reality.

archellebaker said...

I just want to forward this to his parents, and be there when his mom yells at him. Cause you know he still lives with his parents.

Weasel said...

You know he does. He's in his bedroom. Mom's probably downstairs making macaroni and cheese.

Lynda said...

As far as fantasy goes...

If Johnny Depp showed up on my door step dressed up as Capt. Jack Sparrow... well you wont be seeing him or I again anytime soon...hehehehehehe...

There's just something about him in a pirate costume....

Weas can you dress up as a pirate?

RebelJubilee said...

This further cements my belief that 18 year olds live in a world that is solely comprised of fantasy. Who in their right mind is going to hire an 18 yr old? Someone who looks like the aforementioned Johnny Depp or several other men who are not 18 maybe...

Weasel said...

Yes. Yes I can.

Jen Shizuka said...

Calantha, I think it's because on skinny guys, the couple of inches at the base are not buried in fat/muscle. It's just like... Pubic bone and then PENIS!

At least that's been my experience. For example, my husband is 125 pounds and I keep joking that one day there will be a newspaper with this headline: "VICTIM BLUDGEONED TO DEATH"

Mack Truck said...

Weasel, most of the list is true, especially the ravishment fantasy.

Men think of it as a rape fantasy, but it's more like "Oooh, you're so much stronger than me, so even though I'm protesting by grinding my hips, you can do what you want with me!" Did it just get warm in here?

As far as girl on girl, or strapping anything on? Naw. I'm a rampant heterosexual, so the mere idea of sexually touching another woman induces dry heaves. Plus, I've never found the attraction of strap ons. If it's not naturally attached, I don't want to bother with it!

Johnny Depp as Captain Black? Yummy!

Robert Downey Jr. is now part of my fantasy love stable too, because now that he has some years and maturity on him, he's suddenly turned into a babe!

Iron Man, indeed. I'd be more than happy to make him hard as iron....

You say that like its a BAD thing... said...

I'm a virgin commenter...long time reader

WTF?!?!?!?! An 18 yr old?!?!?! SERIOUSLY?!?!?! I live in a college town - if I wanted an 18 yr old to fumble his way thru horrible sex, I could spit on one and hit him...course, he may like it.

I'm not old (unless you ask my kids), but 18?!?!?! I prefer my men to know just a little bit more than...uh, NOTHING!!! Most women I know can tell you EXACTLY what gets them off, I doubt an 18 yr old could find my "G" spot, much less make me cum!

Love your blog Weasel!!!

CutNJump said...

...“The Gentle Pillow” spent the first three pages detailing the playful gyrations of a forest logger's buttocks as he contemplated sparing a nest of abandoned eaglets.

I will never watch the logging shows on cable/dish the same way again...

#2 Owning a man as a sex slave

It's hard to enslave a man who ejaculates when you take off your bra. And an 18 year-old man couldn't find his way around a vagina with GoogleMaps and a plastic Dallas Cowboys compass extracted from a box of Lucky Charms, so it's often difficult to instruct a man who has no idea what he's doing. Ask him to warm up your vulva, and he runs out to the garage to start your car. Tell him to moisten the hood, and he spits on his Michigan State sweatshirt.


Brilliant! I am still ROFL over this one. I fucking LOVE you Weasel. Please, please please DON'T. EVER. STOP! If I weren't a married woman already... *sigh* but alas, my wonderful hubby makes me laugh as much as you do.

Oh Wise One Weasel, you crack me up! Let me extend to you, the Official Fugly Horse Mafia's personal invite to join us at the Circus often called a horse show, held every year in Scottsdale in February. There you will see blog fodder to last you for years to come- cougars of all kinds searching for their prey to take back to their motorhome and ride like the showhorse they pretend to own. Their leathery skin oiled and glistening in the Aridzona sunshine...

CutNJump said...

I forgot to ask-

Why would anyone PAY for his inexperience?

If I am shelling out cash for something, you better fucking know how to do whatever it is you are asking money for.

I'm pretty sure I am not alone on this. Why would anyone pay Handyman Bob to fix their car, when Mike the Mechanic will do the job right the first time.

CutNJump said...

I think he is trying to finance his college years. For an 18 y/o, just go park across the street from the local high school. There are plenty for the taking, and from what I recall of my high school years, they would be glad to do you just for bragging rights.

Mack Truck said...

When I was 35 I took on an 18 y/o.

He could have sex almost continuously, and was a complete and utter waste of my time.

Have you ever seen bunnies mating? Yeah, it was almost as fast, and about as satisfying!

So I'm thinking if Tim wants to use ME to get experience, I should be the one being paid, not him.

I'll take my 51 y/o over those youngsters any day.

Calantha said...

Weasel as a pirate? The first thing that comes to mind is that ruffled shirt from an earlier post. Yeah, the one that was made of polyester.

POLYESTER? POLY-FUCKING-ESTER!? Are you kidding me??

And now back to your regularly scheduled commenting.

georg said...

I think he might have a market if he lets himself be rented by dirty old men. They'll give him a real education and not care how quickly he finishes or how often he thinks he needs it. Otherwise well, he better start asking if you want fries with that.

Claire said...

Excellent Weasel.

Mary said...

So I read the article and yup, yupand a whole lot of HELL YA. While I've been lucky enough to live out a few of those, a few other's are still filed away in the "maybe some day" part of my brain. Thankfully, my husband is a freak, too, so we have talked about all of these, in detail and he's willing to make me happy. Yes, yes, I'm a lucky woman...

That aside, are you fucking kidding me? No one alive has to pay for sex ever, let alone from a 5 second pounder that will leave us searching for the battery charger. Maybe, just MAYBE, he can find a cougar that HE can pay $200 hour to teach him how to use his pant pepperoni...

Mary said...

Calantha...without going into too much detail, until I was 25, I was a full fledged slut. Anyway, along with that lifestyle, I learned one this that was almost ALWAYS a certian...tall thin men are PACKING!!! Short, chubby men aren't. It was dead on correct 95% of the time. The only way I found that it wasn't the case was if they were mostly Asian or Native american.

God I love my 6'1" 180 pound husband...He proved me right...

Mary said...

Ya, typos...they really can kill a message..."One THING I learned" sounds much better.

FYI, new posts up on my end and Jim and Garret, I'm sooo linking your blog to mine!! I giggle every time I read it! LOVE YOU GUYS!!

Weas, wanna make out? I feel a cold sore coming on.

Hyena Overlord said...

I didn't want an 18 year old when I was 18. I was out with the 20 -40 something manly men.

Now, five years away from having to make the career choice of either Cougar or Red Hatter. I still don't want an 18 year old.

I can get way more bang for my buck with $100 just waiting in barely contained anticipation for my new horse blanket to arrive. Oh, it's soooooo beautiful! I can't wait! See, so much more bang for my buck.

Mary said...

"All you insatiable, horny cougars just want an innocent young man to wear an undercooked bacon suit to your little wolverine party."

OMG, Weas, you slay me every time.

PS, nearly slid out of my chair when I checked that link...God has a cruel sense of humor making women's fantasies so different from anything men are willing/able to do. Except, of course, that pirate suit ;)

Trainer X said...

Does his Mommy know what he's up too??? *snork* LMAO!!!! WOW, $100 per hour, gee What a steal... *eyeroll*

www.ihateyourhorse.blogspot.com

Calantha said...

@Mary: 95%? Daaaaang. Is this Nature's way of trying to compensate for some thin guys looking like they'll snap in half if you hug them? Because those, I've seen my fair share of, albeit NOT in the bedroom.

@Jim and Garrett: I see you found your way to Cake Wrecks!

Rhyadawn said...

95%! I've been in the wrong market!

This brings back memories of another young thing trying to find a cougar to please... I think he would come to the same fate.

Anonymous said...

Why are they always blurred out?

Anonymous said...

Their heads I mean...

Oh shit, that doesn't work either ;)

Mary said...

@Anonymous:
To spare them the humiliation they so richly deserve.

Anonymous said...

My last BF was that skinny, and he had 13". But, alas, his heavy cocaine use let to frequent malfunctions....well, no functions really, Damn crack!

nip/tuck said...

I'm sorry! I can NOT read this without laughing:

playful gyrations of a forest logger's buttocks

Do you think, "What? Do you think cocks grow on trees?" could become as common as the age-old question of money growing on trees? It could have some interesting contexts...

jax said...

ok there is nothing harder than a 18 year old cock,but i can say the same about a stick of dynamite and i don't want that in my cooch either.

i'd like a hard young thing but not that young. maybe like 25. my ex was 40 and could only do it once a night and then was done.
nooooo thanks.
weas, is that common, are you over 40?

Naamah said...

"All you insatiable, horny cougars just want an innocent young man to wear an undercooked bacon suit to your little wolverine party."

Damn, weasel, you blew my cover.

I'd be glad to fuck an 18-year-old senseless, but he's damn well not going to get paid for the privilege. Call it educational credit. They have to learn not to wear those bacon suits sometime.

CaliGirl9 said...

His “incall” hours are when his mom and dad are off working and his siblings are at school.

At least it appears he isn’t asking his mom for a ride to his “jobs.” I wonder what his mom thinks when strange women come pick Tim up at all hours? (Assuming anyone is dumb enough to contact this kid at all...)

I wonder what school of massage he graduated from at this tender age? LOL

Any other equine-minded women here who read “75 HH” and thought he was talking about hands (equine unit of measurement)?

Tim reminds me of a kid I used to know who lost his virginity at the hands of a professional at the Mustang Ranch in Nevada. Only thing is, he wanted oral sex. HIM on HER. Damn fool kid couldn’t even get that right!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Anyway, along with that lifestyle, I learned one this that was almost ALWAYS a certian...tall thin men are PACKING!!! Short, chubby men aren't. It was dead on correct 95% of the time. <<

Agreed. :-)

As for the 18 year old...hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.That is on the same level with (for my blog readers) the chick that wanted to lease out her 2 year old horse that needed training to someone who could do that training!

Uh, no. We don't pay for things we have to train - horses OR boys.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Amen, Fugs, Amen. My 24 yo roommate is tall, skinny, *very* well trained (I've had 6 years) and h-u-n-g. Friends with benefits is a great thing.

Walk On said...

Am I the only one who's not getting what "75 HH" means?

"Tim's physique suggests he'd have a hard time abducting a de-clawed housecat from a freshly waxed marble floor"

"Ask him to warm up your vulva, and he runs out to the garage to start your car"

On. The. Floor. Again. Weasel, you need to be writing for Craig Fergeson (he's got a similar sense of humor I believe)...assuming you could do both that and this. I don't want this blog to *ever* end!

As to the ad, please, I don't want a free two pump chump, I ain't gonna pay for one.

RebelJubilee said...

>>Any other equine-minded women here who read “75 HH” and thought he was talking about hands (equine unit of measurement)?<<

I thought that too, but then it wouldn't make any sense

(for non-equine minded, a hand is a unit of measurement for horse height equaling 4 inches, meaning 75 hands high would equal 25 feet)

Weasel said...

75 HH means $75 half an hour.

OK, no more youngsters for a while, I've burnt them out.

It's just too easy.

Zwitter said...

Oh, those fantasies are classic. I'm very much down with numbers one and two myself, especially #1.

I think the whole "Gentle Pillow" style of erotic fiction comes up as a result of women being aroused more psychologically than visually (lots of sexual tension and innuendo can often be titillating rather than annoying,) and a lower sex drive means the plot doesn't necessarily have to gallop towards the point where the clothes come off.

And good many women DO write the equivalent of "Whore Picnic at Anal Mountain" -- I've read it -- it's just not as popular as the "Voyages of a Lonesome (and Very Sensitive) Corsair" style of smut.

Brandy said...

Thanks for the clarification, on that 75 HH thing, I was trying to figure that out too!


Yes, I agree, my 'studies' have shown that the skinny ones are usually nicely endowed! Sadly, I was too chicken in college to test the theory on my 7'3" friend, but it certainly held true in the military! Oh, my goodness, lots of young prime beef to test....

But still, I prefer my short, stout MAN over all of those boys and guys. He has a huge organ, the best one for me! His brain, silly! He can do the most amazing torturously wonderful things to me with his voice, let alone all the toys we have ;->

CutNJump said...

At 18 he might be considered "Fresh Meat", but how about we throw him over the fence at the zoo?

Surely those cougars would enjoy him!

Mary said...

13"?!?!?! Ummm, OUCH! I've even comment to the hubby that he could stand to have a little shaved off the tip. He said no, but there is a thing as TOO MUCH! The first time I saw him naked, I was scared. I told him to get out, even!

horsegal said...

I just don't think this little boy could "fuck my perm straight". (Thanks again, Weasel for that line in the Cougar post.)

Ashley said...

It looks like he took this picture in his sisters room...

camera shy said...

Am I the only one wonder why weasel didn't post the link for the site mentioned in the beginning of his blog (the hot porn site enjoyed by his female friend?)

Fork it over, weasel...

Grace said...

"You women disgust me, you're like .......... men with tits."

This line killed me! Although fantasy #3 is not really my cup of tea, I've had enough incompetent young twits to last me multiple lifetimes. And I didn't have to PAY them. But someone please tell me that there is a happy middle ground between this and Old Cock??

Walk On said...

lmao at 75 hh or 100 an hour, seriously, like, he's gonna last beyond ten minutes?!

cattypex said...

This is probably my reaction to 87.3% of WWHM posts, but...

Why is it that men think that their Mr Happy is the be-all-end-all, and that's all women think about?

Dude, it just ISN'T. It SO isn't.

Somebody please make a little brochure on "Things Women Find Sexy and How To Incorporate Them Into a Hot Date."

As a public service to women everywhere!!!!!!!!!!

cattypex said...

heh heh... you called him an "18-year-old MAN"

Silly Weasel.

The average 39-year-old WOMAN knows better.

*buffs nails*

Come closer, Benjamin.

Lynda said...

I just got back from grocery shopping and since reading this blog I should be able to lose the extra weight Im carrying around...

While perusing the isles, I came across stuffed crabshells in the freezer section, and magic hat beer... and several other food items that immediately reminded me of various entries in this blog. Too many for me to go back though. At this rate if this continues I'l never be able to go back into a grocery store...

jax said...

hey ladies www.literotica.com

is a good site for the porny stories.

horsegal said...

cattypex said
"heh heh... you called him an "18-year-old MAN"

Silly Weasel.

The average 39-year-old WOMAN knows better.

*buffs nails*

Come closer, Benjamin."

You made my FACE HURT laughing so hard at that! Glad to to see over here!

Anonymous said...

I must have gotten off (hehe) lucky. My 22 year old can last for hours and doesn't go soft between orgasms. He's big too :)

Weasel said...

Holy shit.

I was going to respond to "camera shy" that I didn't remember the exact site my ex looked at. I knew it was "literature" something and "erotic" something.

Then , JAX nailed it, THATS THE EXACT SITE. I remember that homepage because of the Betty Boop lady on it.

Nice job, JAX.

Anonymous said...

Alright ladies, has anyone used the We-Vibe? Is it worth the money? Does it work well?

Weasel said...

Anonymous, quit bragging about me.

Oh, wait. I'm in my 30's and hung like a grape stem.

Nevermind.

Diablo said...

I'm the last anonymous. I forgot that we didn't need an account and could just put in a name (whoops).

Lol! I'm sure you aren't, though I'm thinking that there are a lot of women on here who would like to see pictures of your grape stem ;) Comm'on, you know you wanna.

Something tells me you like to think you have more class than that. Something else tells me that women are pretty darn good at getting what they want ;)

Brandy said...

I like FanFiction.net for my online erotica. They have various ratings, and those 'M' rated ones get rather steamy! And you can pick a genre you like (I'm still trapped in X-Men movieverse stories of Wolverine and Sabertooth!).

Lots of slash there, or just straight OMG HAWT writings!

Rhyadawn said...

cleansheets fan, but also fanfic. You can always find something in fanfic.

Its such a shame that men and women hit their sexual primes at such different times... sometimes I wonder at Gods cruelty...

Weasel said...

Like most guys, if I had something to show around, that might be.

But for me, I can't run around bragging I have a massive sunflower and then showing a buttercup. Thanks nature! lol.

No, I'm by request only.

Hmmm, can someone forward me a good "erotic story." I wouldn't know how to find one (editors note: ok, I don't have the patience to look for one without seeing some tits), but I'd like to take a look at one.

weaselworden@yahoo.com

Weasel said...

Re: above post

I mean request only by chicks I'm dating, not request only on here.

Perverts.

Kitten said...

I seriously can't tell if those are barbie dolls in boxes, or action figures in boxes, next to the pink boa in the back ground (or is it a thong? I really can't tell...).

Sorry, Mr. Still-Going-Through-Puberty, but women like older men. Preferably with lots of money, and experience.

And since you advertise that we have to pay you for your inexperience, then that's just asking for Mr. Just-Out-Of-Federal-Prison to sneak into your bedroom at night and give you an experience of your life.

Diablo said...

It'd be creepy if you did post a picture :S Or that you took a picture in the first place, lol.

Mind is definitely in the gutter, my vibrator just died and I don't know what I'm going to to. It'll take time to get a new one. Tear.

Lynda said...

I dont need to see a pic of Weas's grape stem.

I want to see Weas dressed up as Capt Jack Sparrow...

Then maybe have a private audience with the grape stem.... LOL Or is that like walking the plank...

RebelJubilee said...

Weasel, you are a tolerant saint of a man. I would run and hide under a rock for a month if people were talking about any of my girl parts online (or anywhere really)

Zwitter said...

I've got a grand idea -- Weasel and I could compete in a Smallest Pecker Contest. I could sure use some prize money ;) And Weas could get a big ole boost in the self-esteem department, so we'd all profit.

You say that like its a BAD thing... said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
You say that like its a BAD thing... said...

You know, I'm fixin' ta tell my age (sort of)...its been my experience in the last oh...15 years, that when a guy talks negatively about his package (i.e. its too small, "i've got a grape stem"...yada, yada, yada) they're the ones who REALLY know how to use what they have. But the guys who say they have a GREAT package and can go all night long...well, they're the ones who aren't as good in bed. Why? Because they think the size of their pecker is enough. Yes, I AM speaking from experience. But that's just my opinion - you don't have to agree with me. Not trying to start an argument or anything. Love the blog, Weas

wheelin126 said...

It's not the size of the worm but how you wiggle it!!! True the ones that "brag" about how big they are are the true grape stems and the ones that say how small they are are usually the ones that can turn you into instant nymphomaniac!! Johnny Depp as Capt. Sparrow....yum yum!!

Nosnikta said...

Um... why is he purple? Did he dip Violet at the Willy Wonka factory?

Tessie said...

If Johnny Depp showed up on my door step dressed up as Capt. Jack Sparrow...

Hell, if Johnny Depp showed up on my doorstep...

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