Monday, December 29, 2008

Fake Assholes Finish Last

How long has it been since some1 has done somethin 4 your imagination?

I'm a selfish prick. A hot, well known, pampered intellectual with a big dick and a marathon tongue. I'm young enough to do it often and old enough to do it right. I don't have time for petty drama or emotional hysterics. I do what I want, when I want.

Only contact me if you have the following qualities...

-a good imagination
-intuition
-intelligence
-good instincts

I'm picky and deserve to be. There is nothing wrong with having standards. I place very little emphasis on what people think of me. I don't care. I am exactly who I want to be. I will tell you exactly what I want to tell you, when I want to say it. Contact me and tell me how you feel about rollercoasters. Paul


Ladies and gentlemen, I am a man of meager means.

Born with the ass of an elderly pilgrim woman, my buttocks continue to resonate with all the juicy sparkle and playful charisma of a post-bulimic beach clam. I have been told I possess all the vibrant personality of dried wall spackle, and my penis resembles something a weight-conscious hummingbird might classify as a whimsical yet breezy snack item.

Of mice and men, I am the mouse, frequently squeaking for a tiny scrap of female cheese. I am the guy you see getting donkey-punched by a Girl Scout in broad daylight, crying out for my mother and curling into the fetal position around my Miley Cyrus lunchpail. I am the man that leaks sixteen different fluids at the hiss of a white kitten adorned with daisies, and a man who hasn't seen pussy in so long I'd probably try to catch it with a folded newspaper and release it into the forest.

So who am I to judge personal ads you ask? I may resemble a loose amalgamation of wind-blown maypole ribbons when I skip down the street like a retarded flamingo on ecstasy, but I am indeed a wise man. A man wise enough to know I shouldn't ever try to pretend I'm someone I'm not, because I'd rather continue to be wise than begin to look stupid.

Which brings us to Paul's personal ad. How'd you feel about it after you first read it? Does it look familiar? It's supposed to hit women in the face like a frying pan, but in a good way. You've seen it before here on WWHM, and I've previously sourced it to this guy (on the left column). These fucking ads are all over the internet, all starting with a variation of "I'm a selfish prick."

It was specifically designed by world-reknowned “pick-up” artists to arouse a woman's sub-conscious and innate attraction towards a dominant man, and it's supposed to be the most successful online personal ad available. Let's break it down by sections and see how it works in theory:

How long has it been since someone has done something for your imagination?
This is designed to open your mind for the ad you're about to read.

I'm a selfish prick. A hot, well known, pampered intellectual with a big dick and a marathon tongue. I'm young enough to do it often, and old enough to do it right.
Shows dominance, leadership and sexual vitality / prowess.

I don't have time for petty drama or emotional hysterics. I do what I want, when I want.
Dominance.

Only contact me if you have the following qualities: (dominance)

A good imagination, intuition, intelligence and good instincts.
This is the same verbal trickery psychics use. Everyone thinks “Oh, that describes me!”, but it actually applies to anyone that reads it. It excludes no one. Except people smart enough to realize they're being had.

I'm picky and deserve to be. There is nothing wrong with having standards. I place very little emphasis on what people think of me. I don't care. I am exactly who I want to be. I will tell you exactly what I want to tell you, when I want to say it.
Dominance and leadership.

Contact me and tell me how you feel about rollercoasters.
In order to write about rollercoasters, you need to think about riding a rollercoaster. When you think about riding a rollercoaster, you tend to get an adrenaline rush and a feeling of exhilaration. Since you are writing to him, you will sub-consciously associate and apply those feelings to him. So in theory, you will see him as an exciting, exhilarating person. In theory.

Great job Paul! So let's rehash:

You're an unimaginative prick. You're neither hot, intellectual, nor well-known, but perhaps you might wear Pampers. Your cock resembles an apple stem, and your “marathon tongue” couldn't wheeze it's way across a fucking Topeka airport gate. But like a marathon, it's probably runny.

You “don't care what people think of you”, yet you're too much of a coward to admit who you really are, and you're “exactly who you want to be,” which apparently is someone else other than yourself. Next time women need a morning-after pill, I'm going to send them your personal ad. You make female ovaries seal up like a submarine hatch.

Now get over here and install my garage door opener. You're two hours late, you pampered intellectual.

WWHM readers, if you come across any more of these cheesy ads, respond to them stating you know it's a "form personal" and then send me the ad and the response.

Enjoy this entry while it's posted, because I'm aware that the author (to whom I applied the fake name "Paul") knows about WWHM and will probably find his ad. If he instructs me to take it down I have to per WWHM rules. But I will post his email requesting I take it down.

Happy New Years WWHM'ers and welcome back!

(Ed note: Though I despise the now-patheticly overdone "pick-up artist" community and their increasingly worn-out, market-saturated methodologies, I strongly recommend Neil Strauss' book "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists." Yes, he's a leader of the PUA community, but he's also an incredible writer, and the book provides a fascinating look at how men try to beat women at their own game. And how they succeed without you ever knowing what hit you. You'll learn something about yourself, male or female.)

262 comments:

1 – 200 of 262   Newer›   Newest»
colorisnteverything said...

Hahaha!

I hope he doesn't find it or at least finds it and understands WHY it was posted and maybe gets a clue.

Prolly not, but a girl can dream...

Zemmie said...

This is an attempt to look honest: Lordie, what a failure. The words 'I will tell you...' are a dead give-away that there is nothing this guy can say that any woman (or man, for that matter) would want to hear.

Notice, by the way, that in the first paragraph he doesn't seem to be able to make up his mind if he's a penis or a 'pampered intellectual'- presumably a human. It's amazing how attractive men think their penises are.

A thing I heard somewhere or other:
'#7 on the list of things you will never hear from your wife: "My, there's a lovely scrotum"'

Andi said...

You'd think if they were going to go ahead and post the "form letter" they'd take a better picture. Astroturf welcome mat just doesn't do it for me....

Anonymous said...

And did you notice the abnormally tall door? Oh, wait a minute, thats a regular door. I guess it's ... oh. OK.

sultaness said...

As Zemmie said, he may not be able to make up his mind if he's a penis or a pampered intellectual, but I think we can.

I think that's one prick that not even the most desperate of us would touch.

Lynda said...

Ok so when I read this.. "Contact me and tell me how you feel about rollercoasters." the first thought in my head was Terrifying...

So I guess this guy gets thrown into the axe murderer file with me! LOL

So I guess that line doesnt always work!

Hyena Overlord said...

Ha ha ha...what a wanker! Gives me the willies just reading his ad.

Welcome back Weas:)

RebelJubilee said...

Weasel's back!! you made my morning.

I think this clarifies some of the creepers who've been sending me email now. They're trying to do the pick up artist thing and its completely not working for them

Nicolle said...

Laugh... Just for fun I did a quick google search on "I'm a selfish prick" and came across this gem.

http://www.seductionbase.com/seduction/cat/Others/Style/52.html

I can't believe guys think this really works. I'm going to be giggling about this all day now.

Toycia said...

Wow that's a form letter? I had no clue, but when I read it all I thought was why why why would you post a personal ad that clearly details how much of an asshole you are - and that is supposed to work?? I guess I'm not the kind of women these things attract.. you know , actually female!

SassyBrunette said...

That's hilarious. Not only was there one, but SEVERAL men dumb enough to use/post that ad all over the internet. Who's the weaker sex now, bitches?

SassyBrunette said...

I do hope shorty sends some fiery hatemail and we get to see the true extent of his mental incapabilities.

Rozie said...

SassyBrunette said...
Who's the weaker sex now, bitches?...

Haha That's a good one SassyB.

What is with all the dominance shit in his ad? There is only room for one top dog in my house and that's not this limp dick who has to copy paste a personal ad to try and get any. He reminds me of that wanna be gangster we had here before who photoshopped a wad of money into his pic to pose.LOL.

Contact me and tell me how you feel about rollercoasters...
Well much like you and your ad they make me puke, Paul.

Jane said...

There is one and only one thing I respect the pick-up artist type stuff for (at least Neil Strauss' mentor...that "Mystery" guy). They do teach guys to approach girls in a lively and memorable way. The "I'm a selfish prick" form personal ad is just plain stupid, but the encouragement to meet girls in bars by approaching a small group and starting a conversation that engages everyone is something that I do respect. I'd still prefer that someone break the ice with an inane "opener" than creepily stare at me all night or sneak up behind me and start dancing on me...as long as they move on to actually have their own personality and something else to say.

One guy "opened the set" so to speak, but went on to do the same thing about 5 times in a row. It was so obvious where he got his tips. He totally screwed it up by bringing up politics and religion right off the bat, though. It was still a good laugh.

ginmar said...

Pick up artists like to 'neg' women, meaning insult them so the woman feels a challenge. Um, no. How about a guy who's genuinely nice?

There's a commercial which features a series of guys doing nice things for women they presumably love. The tagline is, "Don't be that guy." Buy her diamonds instead! Shitty rocks that say she's generic and that you'd prefer to take the easy way out instead of caring for her! Yeah!

These guys really fear and hate women, don't they?

Jim and Garret said...

Welcome back! We've all missed you!

You're back to using your wonderful writing skills, all so imaginative, intuitive, intelligent and instinctively well written.

Errrrr, uhhhhh.

Garret

Claire said...

Welcome back Weasel!

Ashers said...

Hhahahahahahhahahaha !!! Oh please. As if.

The very second a personal ad starts coming on all assertive, you just KNOW you're going to get a doormat with a dick !!

Yay !! Weas is back !!!

Happy New Year All !

Calantha said...

My reaction:

"How long has it been since someone has done something for your imagination?"

Well not a bad opening line. Maybe it's one of those sappy types.

"I'm a selfish prick. I'm a hot, well-known, pampered intellectual..."

The fuck?? Repeat offender?? You bastard!

I skipped to the commentary and learned that while it wasn't the same guy, I was justified in not reading the rest of the ad. I think from now on I'll try learning about all the form letters put to use by the PUA. It'll make chucking them out the window so much easier.

Ginmar: "Pick up artists like to 'neg' women, meaning insult them so the woman feels a challenge."

I'll bear this in mind while I'm away in Costa Rica. I might have to break my promise to behave and smash some twit's face in if he goes too far.

Canoncowgirl said...

Psshh, if he bitches just pull the pic, then his ad is identical to 100s of other ads who are using the same idiotic form letter! And everything you said totally applies to every guy thats used it.

Welcome back Weasel!

Brookeh said...

Wouldn't it be funny if he found the original ad on WWHM and yet published it anyway...?

lamexicanita86 said...

The Weasel is back in fine form! Thanks to idiots like Paul, I will never fully understand the workings of the male mind. Sorry hon, I don't find you attractive AT ALL.

CaliGirl9 said...

At least he didn't use the word "cum."
Still a tool though.
Welcome back Weasel. I suspect there will be plenty of inspiration for you in 2009.

Weasel said...

Never short on material here.

You guys have been sending me great stuff to work with.

Great to see everyone again.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Weasel has already seen this, but here's an amusing instance.

I have a profile on a dating site and I got a message from a guy a month or so ago. I read his one word message, then opened his profile to find an Eeriely Familiar passage as his "about me section".
conversation up until this point;

the guy:
What makes you tick?
-BrX

Me:
Brx. Now, it seems like you might have some creative talents. Or at least you like to portray yourself as such. Why would you use such a shitty form letter for your "about me section"? This... this is creative. This makes me tick; (and then a link to the orginal WWHM netry, as well as the text from the article)

This is highly anti-climatic (but aren't they all? LOL)

the guy:
nice

So now his 'about me section' actually written by him! How novel! He doesn't even seem like a total douchewad in it... To bad he's already tipped his hand. Let's take a closer look:

"I’m looking for someone who is attractive, laid back and smart. I hate drama. I want a chill relationship, with no pressure or expectations. I like to let things happen naturally. Don’t waste my time if you’re a typical women or a dumb-dumb. I yearn for intelligent conversation. I Love You is an 8 letter phrase, but then again so is Bull Shit... "

And he thought he was going to evade bullshit and drama and land someone who can have an intelligent conversation through *that* form letter??? This also screams "while I'd like to take you home and fuck you, I'll probably also try the same thing with everyone else, and I expect you to put up with it. Chill relationship, remember?"

Mariana said...

"a fascinating look at how men try to beat women at their own game. And how they succeed without you ever knowing what hit you"?

Game? Beat? I didn't realize this was about a war, where a man "beats" a woman at her "game" if she agrees to sleep with him, in which case, by that definition, she will have "lost" said war. I didn't realize you would commend on those terms a book/philosophy that looks at sex as a something one uses to defeat people one despises.

verylargecolt said...

The thing about guys who use PUA lines is that if they can't pull it off in real life - and most can't - it's still going to fall flat.

The "negs" do work with a lot of women if they're subtle. Honestly, everybody's used to guys kissing our ass to try to get in bed with us. The mere act of NOT kissing our ass is more intriguing.

I personally like men who will disagree with me. It shows me that they have a spine and aren't going to be a doormat I can make jump through hoops. A horrifying amount of men are doormats, and it gets worse as you get older. If you were on a date with them, you could say that you really think the Ku Klux Klan is a GREAT organization, and I am NOT kidding, they would not dare to strongly oppose that statement. They might say something wishy-washy but that'd be the most you'd get.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

I think I'd meet him at Applebee's for a quick hot wing appetizer and Long Island Ice Tea. Then we could walk over to Payless Shoes and get some fabulous new black sneakers. I'd stroke his flakey black hair and humm the theme from Grease in his extra large ears.

He's just my type

Calantha said...

Wait a minute...Weasel, you're telling me dating is really just another battlefield in the war of the sexes?

Dammit, I never got warning or being drafted into the Women's Army. I demand notification of such matters! Even the Marines would tell me if they were ever drafting people into service.

robyn said...

Well I don't know about anyone else, but the ad made ME roll my eyes in boredom and disgust.
I guess I'm far too intuitive for manly Paul.
Nice ta see ya back Weaz! I hope you had a good "time off." =D

alma said...

Queen Sharon,

Oh, that was damn funny... "Extra large ears" was an excellent touch.

I have to find tbe cat, who bolted when I guffawed...

CutNJump said...

Glad to have you back Weasel! Hope you had a great holiday.

Happy New Years to everyone!

Naamah said...

Well, Paul, if you're reading this, I have to say that I've never really found a rollercoaster that thrilled me enough to want to ride it a second time. They're fun, but ultimately empty of any real interest. Oh, and I'm not driving, so fuck that shit. It's unfulfilling.

How do you feel about large, wild carnivores, Paul?

wheelin126 said...

LMAO!! Well if he does read this I hope he also reads all the comments posted about it also!! After reading all the snarky comments his "big dick" will need years of therapy for the deflation of ego!! Oh well another one bites the dust on WWHM!! Woohoo Weasel is back!!

Anastasia said...

What the hell is up with the door. The second hinge comes to about his nipple height. The guy must be about four and half feet tall.

somethingawful.com has a great website today, very WWHM -

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/awful-links/louisville-free-face.php

In case there are any blind, deaf, incredibly desperate and rather stupid women in Loisville reading these comments.

ginmar said...

Oh, dear God, why did I look at that ad? Is it too much for the dipshit to comb his hair for a picture? And what a nice sloppy tee shirt, too. He's not even trying. Gee, I wonder if that's his modus operandi.

Ophelia said...

I just followed the link that Nicolle posted, and I'm very unnerved by the techniques listed there. If a guy takes me out on a date, it better not be to some dive bar, and on top of that if his friends show up I'm out the door--that just smacks to me of a) a guy who's ensuring that he's got an 'out' if things don't work out or b) a guy who's not as interested in me as he is in going out with his guy friends. In either case, my interest has just dissolved...

In addition the "isolate her" instructions seem terribly skeezy. Isolate her so that she has no contact with anyone but you? Isn't that eerily reminiscent of what abusive partners and brainwashing kidnappers do?

Calantha said...

@Ophelia: I'm not sure the people who give those classes and stuff meant to make men look like insecure psychos. Alas, the road to hell, good intentions, and all that. OK, maybe "good intentions" is questionable in this case.

Irish Chicken Soup said...

And this...is why I'm alone.

TornadoBaby said...

oh god.... ON THE FLOOR with the pussy being set free in the woods. I was even stupid enough to be working on peanut butter buckeye then and I nearly inhaled it!

lamexicanita86 said...

He leaks 16 different fluids at the sight of a kitten covered with daisies? I've counted over and over, and the most I can come up with is nine. Ten, if you count the juice in his sippy cup.

Men are disgusting. I'll make an exception for a certain guy who makes fun of other disgusting males.

Anonymous said...

I throw up on rollercoasters :(

All that ad made me think about was recycled prechewed hotdogs.

welcome back!!!

Sweet said...

It's dominating people who always think that "dominating" is an attribute. These people are some of the biggest revolting pain in the asses on earth. They are a bunch of insufferable twats from hell. They bite dick and suck ass.

"I say what I want when I want to." How pleasant. The sensibilities of a 2 year old. How fucking charming.

Dominating people are about as sensuous as the back end of a garbage truck. Obstinate and ornery, having the restraint of a freight train with no breaks, the grace of an angry bull, a huge sense of entitlement - yeah, these bitches give me a raging female boner.

Oh yeah! Yeah! Please! Please come fuck me, you neanderthal- troll -buffoon ass!! I am sure it will be as mentally and physically pleasing as shitting concrete, taking a plaster of paris suppository, and someone squeezing crazy glue between my ass cheeks!

FUCKING IRRESISTIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

So uh, what's going on? Is WWHM done? Family emergency maybe?

Anonymous said...

That PUA book is so interesting. I know that whenever a guy insulted me in college I explained that I was smarter, and obviously more attractive and invited him to service himself. Often, somehow, instead of falling at my feet, they became very angry. Like I was t being insulted. Now I usually just ask them to take their issues elsewhere. I never quite got that they were *surprised* to be called and treated like assholes when they were being assholes. Now I get it! They wanted to play and I took their ball and showed it down their throats.

PUA - ask every single woman you met to have sex with you and the ones with serious self-esteem issues will. It is a numbers game.

WinterMusic said...

Umm...I think any woman with an imagination, intelligence, intuition, and good instincts would know to RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

Anonymous said...

This rings false from first first line. I'm a graduate student at a major university, so I've met a lot of people that might be described as "intellectuals." However, I suspect that only a minority of well-educated people would describe *themselves* as "intellectuals" (it sounds pretentious) and I can't think of a single one who would describe themselves as a "pampered intellectual." Get real.

Anonymous said...

I'm a little late--just learned about this site, but I had to post.

Although you can say this about almost every post on your site, I just want to beat the living fuck out of this dude, and pull his tongue out of his mouth. Saving pussies and ears everywhere.

Blaq_Kitten said...

i never have or will understand how women fall for this retarded shit. you've got to have zero self esteem, a negative i.q., and unchartably low common sense to go for these dickweeds.

my father was a pimp. (an actual pimp, complete with furs, diamonds, and chalices). i watched and learned the best game from those who learned from the originators. comparing that to the simple jedi-mind-trick shit men try today is amusing, in a "how long will it take the mouse to find the cheese" kind of way.

it's amazingly interesting to know what i know and watch men try to operate these piss-ant pick-up schemes. the look on their faces when you shut them down- lol- they can't believe it! or when you flip it back and run their own game back to them- they are all the same in the end- pathetic.

btw, REAL dominant men, as in, Doms, find this sort of assertion ridiculous- and, in fact, a little insulting.

Anonymous said...

I think you all kinda proved it works in a weird way. Its designed to get a reaction. Whether good or bad any reaction is welcome. What you do from there will decide the outcome of the night.

Can you all really blame some guys for looking for an edge. You all get to wear make up and push up bras when us guys only get to go out armed with out witts....hardly a fair fight right lol?

Anonymous said...

I think you all kinda proved it works in its own weird way. The whole point of an opener is just to get a reaction or some attention. What you do with it from there decides the night.

Plus you cant really blame us guys for looking for an edge, you girls get to go out in make up and push up bras and we're only armed with out witts.....hardly a fair fight lol right?

Anonymous said...

sorry about the double posting, im a newbie to the site.

Sami said...

I know this is an old post, but I'm new to the site and just have to get my two cents in. Here's my breakdown of this ad:

"How long has it been since some1 has done somethin 4 your imagination?"
Learn to spell numbers.

"I'm a selfish prick. A hot, well known, pampered intellectual with a big dick and a marathon tongue. I'm young enough to do it often and old enough to do it right. I don't have time for petty drama or emotional hysterics. I do what I want, when I want."
You do not have a big dick. You ARE a big dick.

"Only contact me if you have the following qualities...

-a good imagination
-intuition
-intelligence
-good instincts
I'm picky and deserve to be. There is nothing wrong with having standards. I place very little emphasis on what people think of me. I don't care. I am exactly who I want to be. I will tell you exactly what I want to tell you, when I want to say it."
Alone, this would almost be okay. But combined with everything said above, just kind of annoying and jerk-ish.

"Contact me and tell me how you feel about rollercoasters."
This had nothing to do with anything. It did not make me think of exciting things and therefore think he was exciting. It made me think that by going so far off topic he may be a bit retarded.

Anonymous said...

wow sami...thank god you came along with that mind opening critique of this " OLD POST". You made so many points that just finally completes this page. "LEARN TO SPELL NUMBERS"? thats what you bring to the table lol? Stop typing just to see your name in print.

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