Fear!

how do i turn a woman on?
hey im 23 years old. i lost my virginity a couple year ago but i paid for it so i don't know how well i can get a woman turned on now because i don't have much experience. im obsesive compulsive so id rather just do the sex part because i dont know fourplay and im not very big but just a little under average. so i am scared sometime hard to perform. im not very experienced but I know part a goes into part b but I know woman like fourplay so what do I do? brett

Over the course of my many years genitally tangling with the female species, I've learned there are two things women never want men to bring into the bedroom; sexual insecurities or Scottish bagpipes.

Brett has sexual insecurities in spades, and he carries them around in a suitcase shaped like an eternally flaccid penis. The only way for truly inexperienced men like Brett to overcome these primary fears is to stop treating a vagina like it's just something you read about in a museum flier. Rather, a vagina is something you must pursue and embrace with open arms and open mouth. When a woman takes off her pants, she's offering you something special, not releasing an angry raccoon.

"But why fear our pussies?" women might ask, laughing uncontrollably as they hold their vaginas high above our outstretched hands, causing us to jump repeatedly until our bones break and we crumple to the ground in a sobbing, heaving mass of sperm cells with unrealized goals and dreams.

Men fear pussies because they control us. Our entire existence is solely dedicated to acquiring as much of them as possible. If we were squirrels, tree stumps would splinter violently at the sheer volume of stored vagina. Every thought we make, every action and reaction we choose to partake in, and every dollar we spend can be traced back to our desire to get into your pants. News flash: I didn't spend 5 months writing WWHM for the firm handshakes.

Most men tackle fallopaphobia at an early age; her name is always Susie, her dad is always unemployed, and there is always malnourished livestock feeding on Meisterbrau cans in her backyard. This oft-inbred strumpet invites us to a secluded area, lifts her skirt, and tells us to pet her like we might comfort an odd-looking goat at the touch-me zoo. Once we're fascinated with the vagina, all we want to do is roll around in the goddamn things like fucking catnip. Fear quashed. And don't name your daughter Susie.

But some guys like Brett don't get these opportunities, and we end up with sexually stunted men who describe sex as inserting "part A into part b, " as if IKEA sold cut-rate vaginas at your local outlet mall. Obsessive compulsive, he cannot maintain an erection during intercourse because every five minutes a little voice tells him the oven is on. And socially stunted, he writes personal ads detailing his dalliances with prostitutes whilst simultaneously asking for someone to provide him a free sample of something he usually pays for.

Because he has fear.

Fear!