Sunday, December 7, 2008

Fear!

how do i turn a woman on?
hey im 23 years old. i lost my virginity a couple year ago but i paid for it so i don't know how well i can get a woman turned on now because i don't have much experience. im obsesive compulsive so id rather just do the sex part because i dont know fourplay and im not very big but just a little under average. so i am scared sometime hard to perform. im not very experienced but I know part a goes into part b but I know woman like fourplay so what do I do? brett

Over the course of my many years genitally tangling with the female species, I've learned there are two things women never want men to bring into the bedroom; sexual insecurities or Scottish bagpipes.

Brett has sexual insecurities in spades, and he carries them around in a suitcase shaped like an eternally flaccid penis. The only way for truly inexperienced men like Brett to overcome these primary fears is to stop treating a vagina like it's just something you read about in a museum flier. Rather, a vagina is something you must pursue and embrace with open arms and open mouth. When a woman takes off her pants, she's offering you something special, not releasing an angry raccoon.

"But why fear our pussies?" women might ask, laughing uncontrollably as they hold their vaginas high above our outstretched hands, causing us to jump repeatedly until our bones break and we crumple to the ground in a sobbing, heaving mass of sperm cells with unrealized goals and dreams.

Men fear pussies because they control us. Our entire existence is solely dedicated to acquiring as much of them as possible. If we were squirrels, tree stumps would splinter violently at the sheer volume of stored vagina. Every thought we make, every action and reaction we choose to partake in, and every dollar we spend can be traced back to our desire to get into your pants. News flash: I didn't spend 5 months writing WWHM for the firm handshakes.

Most men tackle fallopaphobia at an early age; her name is always Susie, her dad is always unemployed, and there is always malnourished livestock feeding on Meisterbrau cans in her backyard. This oft-inbred strumpet invites us to a secluded area, lifts her skirt, and tells us to pet her like we might comfort an odd-looking goat at the touch-me zoo. Once we're fascinated with the vagina, all we want to do is roll around in the goddamn things like fucking catnip. Fear quashed. And don't name your daughter Susie.

But some guys like Brett don't get these opportunities, and we end up with sexually stunted men who describe sex as inserting "part A into part b, " as if IKEA sold cut-rate vaginas at your local outlet mall. Obsessive compulsive, he cannot maintain an erection during intercourse because every five minutes a little voice tells him the oven is on. And socially stunted, he writes personal ads detailing his dalliances with prostitutes whilst simultaneously asking for someone to provide him a free sample of something he usually pays for.

Because he has fear.

Fear!

67 comments:

Lindsay said...

OMG! LOL

Anonymous said...

Catnip!!! Hilarious!

lamexicanita86 said...

Pathetic, miserable wretch. He hasn't gotten any because...well, I don't need to verbally abuse him any further...and with an ad like that, he isn't going to get any for a very long time.

Dusty said...

OMG! I almost feel sorry for this poor little sod! LOL!

RebelJubilee said...

Angry raccoons! I'm sure there are some out there that come across like that. *shudder*

>>News flash: I didn't spend 5 months writing WWHM for the firm handshakes.<<

I keep saying you're building a harem here. You've got enough women lusting after your wit to start one of the larger harems in the western hemisphere.

Great post

Nosnikta said...

I'm really curious about the bagpipes (runs off to read the rest of the post).

Kitten said...

Huh, I would feel sorry for him, except the part where it appears like he is almost bragging about his baggage.

Directions:

1) Get out bottle of well-oiled lube.
2) Lube up part A, since part B will be a bit of a squeeze to fit in.
3) Slam part A into part B until the fit is snug.
4) Enjoy your now joined parts, until you are satisfied with it.
5) Remove part A from part B, until you want to experience both parts together again.

Seriously now... If only it was really that easy. Women would never have a reason to giggle at men ever again!

Trainer X said...

Omfg!!! Pathetic, just pathetic LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

www.ihateyourhorse.blogspot.com

Diablo said...

Another great one and good job with the harem.

I remember one woman offering services a few weeks back.

So why did you start this blog? Truly? What do you want to get out of it other than a following of sexual females?

clara said...

omg i was laughing soooooo hard. i can just picture him staring at the girls vagina like it's the most complex math equation in the world and he has fifteen seconds to solve it or everyone will die...by angry raccoons lol

Anonymous said...

Okay, I really don't understand what the OCD has to do with what he said at all. "im obsesive compulsive so id rather just do the sex part because i dont know fourplay "
That...that isn't...OCD, Ur doin it wrong!
Seriously, this guy is too pathetic even for pity sex.

meg said...

His OCD comment didn't make any sense to me...also, he should develop a compulsion to proper spelling. >_>

Andi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Andi said...

"i lost my virginity a couple year ago but i paid for it"

Betcha he paid for that little adventure in more than one way!!! I'm shocked it only merited one little sentence in the whole thing though :)

Mary said...

RE:>>News flash: I didn't spend 5 months writing WWHM for the firm handshakes.<<

Is it too late to join the Harem?

Someone needs to tell these guys that the sexiest thing they could do is write a WITTY ad...right, Weas? ;)

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Diablo, some of your answers can be found here: http://behindwomenhatemen.blogspot.com/

Amanda Nicole said...

catnip! ahahahhaha

Persnickety Ticker said...

Weasel, you never fail to leave me in a state of puddled, contented bliss from laughing so hard at your posts.

BTW, *officially submitting my application to join your harem.*

searching_for_something said...

aww, is it wrong that I feel sorry for him. Bless at 23 too. Poor boy :(

Rhyadawn said...

Almost feel sorry for him... almost. But really, there is nothing that a little liquid confidence won't help out. He just needs to find some poor girl to practice on. Feel sorry for her till he gets the right idea.

"News flash: I didn't spend 5 months writing WWHM for the firm handshakes" Really, wow. BTW, subitting harem aplication as we speak! LOL Good post Weas!

nip/tuck said...

Between the visuals of the vagina-hoarding squirrels & the goat-petting, I am cracking up!

RebelJubilee - Good point... how many of us keep coming back for more Weasel?

Grace said...

Hey now, what's wrong with bagpipes??

(Ok, ok, I might not want them in the bedroom... but I do love me some piping. Especially if it's a cute young piper with good legs... nothing like a hot guy in a kilt to... *ahem* sorry, I got a little carried away there.)

But seriously. Can I join the harem too?

Anonymous said...

http://www.pleasuremenow.com/index.asp?PageAction=VIEWPROD&ProdID=1955

The dude should grab one of these and call it a night. No woman will ever want him period!

MadAuntyNic said...

Nosnikta said...
I'm really curious about the bagpipes


Yeah, me too. Did Weasel find out through personal experience, and was he wearing a kilt, I wonder.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

The vagina-hoarding squirrels...priceless! But here's the problem. It's not that you all want pussy. Well, dorkasaurus rex writing the ad does. But the real problem between the sexes is that you want a veritable crazy cat lady's assortment of different pussies, whereas we get highly attached to one and only one cock and put up with all sorts of ridiculous crap in order to have to avoid having to find a different one. Men do not understand not wanting new and different at all, and women don't understand the appeal of new and different. And there you have the whole problem between the sexes...well, apart from the "stepping over the laundry/trash rather than moving it to where it goes" problem...

Diablo said...

Thanks Thingsthatperplexme!

Ferret Fan said...

Always named Susie!


OMFGTFF!



I can't wait to send my friend Susie over here!

Calantha said...

How do you turn a woman on? Well Brett, you can start by taking the time, oh I dunno, READ a little about what women like. I'm sure you could find plenty of such posts in various online forums. What turns one woman on does nothing for another, so your utmost attention is required. Plus, being able to read is at least one indication you're a step up from Cro-Magnon.

After that, maybe you'll be a bit more prepared.

On a different note, is it bad that I think I almost heard the voice of my ex while reading this? Mind you, he'd never even PAID to lose his virginity, an option I think he might have to take sooner or later given how much it chaps his hide that he's still a virgin. (Yeah, you can deduce at least one reason why we're over).

And Weasel, I think I'll opt for being an honorary member of the harem. I'm kind of a loner for the most part anyway.

bad_wolf said...

I might feel bad for this guy, but it's pretty clear all he wants is the sex for the act and not the partner involved. Nothing gets me more riled up about men than that. I'd say let this guy get a girlfriend and earn it the old-fashioned way, but like men can sense a woman hunting a husband, women can sense likewise desperation in a man.

Weasel, got room for one more? Sorry Brett-whatsisname.

anniebanannie said...

Hey! I love the pipes!

Canoncowgirl said...

>>News flash: I didn't spend 5 months writing WWHM for the firm handshakes.

The truth comes out! Is WWHM really "Why Women Hate Men" or "Witty Weasels Harem Membership" hmmmmm ;)

Sometimes I wish I could release a rabid raccoon by taking off my pants. "Yah sure sure I'll have sex with you" [Raccoon attack to the face] "haha! Fooled you again!!"

Jim and Garret said...

I feel bad for him. I'm glad he's not gay and plays for your team.

-Garret-

Canoncowgirl said...

>anniebanannie said...Hey! I love the pipes!

Can we quote you out of context on that later? ;)

Jilly said...

I can't even laugh at this one. I honestly just feel really badly for the poor kid. Easy pickins, Weas...easy pickins.

Hyena Overlord said...

OMG...Hey guys, proper spelling turns us on. Start there.

RebelJubilee said...

So, Weasel, you've got at least 6 verbally committed members for your harem... Thoughts?

Tribblehappy said...

I've got nothing against bagpipes. And y'know I have a friend who took to wearing utili-kilts because they weren't as, ahem, constricting. "It takes a real man to wear a kilt" Hehe. I asked him how it was, he said, "Breezy."

Anonymous said...

"a couple year ago" probably means when he turned 18 and he splurged his allowance on a hooker. He probably didn't pay her enough for her to do him the favor of faking an orgasm. Today he is hoping to put his A in your B without doing steps 1-3(foreplay). Is he insane as well as paranoid.

User_Name said...

I ER FOR DUMME

Weasel said...

You guys are hilarious.

The harem thing was just a joke. But since you mention it....

Yeah, this guy I kind of fely bad about, but the prostitute was the qualifier.

Next one up is really bad though, as in "he really has no clue" bad.

Sorry guys, been really busy!

Walk On said...

"News flash: I didn't spend 5 months writing WWHM for the firm handshakes."

News flash: I figured that out already. :D

I'm a belly dancer, seems to me I'd be a good fit for a harem. ;)

(wanna bet Weasel is considering finding a bigger place? Or at least one w/ a bigger bedroom?)

Lynda said...

Hey Ive had my application in for weeks on being in his harem!

I love bagpipes. I was in Civil Air Patrol years ago as a cadet. We marched in this big parade one year and we had a color guard that wore kilts. Well my squadron was directly behind the color guard and I was the squadron commander. A good friend of mine was in the color guard who by the way was of course all 16 year old boys.. which none of them wore undies that day... and yes I know this as a fact as we marched down that street... it was kinda windy out... hmmmmm nice buns....

Oh and I was a 16 year old girl then... hmmmm a nice memory!

God your good Weas!

Zwitter said...

Things like this...thing, make me glad that I managed to find a good, stable relationship before lack of sex completely drove me crackers.

In the past few guys posted here I've seen a common thread of needing pussy so very, very that it warps what little judgement these fellows may have had and reduces them to posting personals that amount to "PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE LET ME INSERT MY TAB INTO YOUR SLOT" repeated for several paragraphs.

And yet, one can't really tell them that in order to obtain themselves a female, they need to deliberately ignore their own natural urges and write personals about something else other than the insistent demands of their little breakfast sausages. Very few women tolerate you thinking of them as a slot, buddy, and those who do tolerate it frequently charge by the hour.

Grotesque said...

This reminds me of "Wonderwoman" saying, " FEAR THE ALMIGHTY UTERUS!"

Brandy said...

Hmm, I have some stumps up on the hillside that need splitting.... Hadn't contemplated the almighty power of VAGINA for breaking them down like so many high school boys.....

Actually, I envisioned a pile of flat, dried, fishy smelling, flesh colored treasures spilling out of a fallen tree more than gardening tools, but any port in a stumpy storm!!

ANGRY BEAVER! LOL!

Poor little guy. They make pills for that now, you know. With the added benefit of reducing the libido and hydraulics! Even if he wants to, he won't have what he needs.... but he won't be worried about his own oven any more!

Brandy said...

And you think with OCD, the fourplay AND fiveplay would be easy! Stroke it again. Stroke it again. Stroke it again.... Now lick, lick, lick, lick, lick....

Hey, some of us DO like bagpipes, even in the boudoir!

Definitely a large, happy harem. Because women like to read and think about 'it'!

Hyena Overlord said...

You'll need a bigger house Weas, I want my own room. I'll even learn to belly dance, peel grapes and I can already make that alarm vocalization that makes an Iranian guy I used to work with all giggly like a school girl. He says "Don't do that, it makes me all silly. I keep thinking someone has broken into the house".

Hyena Overlord said...

One thought before I head to work. Everyone who's going on Trainer X's slap an asshat road trip should all gather at Weas's when it's over. For drinks and a de-briefing.

Thingsthatperplexme said...

oh, de-briefing. :: snickers ::

girlsjustwannahavefun said...

i usually don't leave comments, but i'll join the harem! however, i'll have to warn you, i don't play well with others... atleast not other women, so you'll probably want to buy a bigger house, i need my own room.

Desiderata said...

"he cannot maintain an erection during intercourse because every five minutes a little voice tells him the oven is on."

AHAHAHA I love you

Calantha said...

I'm withdrawing my application for "honorary harem member." Thought about it, decided it didn't really appeal after all. Have fun the rest of you! And don't hurt anyone.....much.....or on purpose....unless they deserve it.

Jim and Garret said...

I've been waiting for my harem application to come in the mail as promised. Very disappointing.

What say you?

Garret

Weasel said...

Grotesque- you guys read my mind.

This entry originally had the line "RESPECT THE VAGINA" in it. modeled after the RESPECT THE COCK line. Took it out, don't remember why.

Calantha, pissed about something in WWHM? You can always email me and vent.

J @ G- How can I find an address for a mobile home?

Hey I fucking love all you guys. Building a house as we speak.

Goldie said...

It's just so sad. I think I'm a magnet for guys like this. I get -far- too many of them making pathetic attempts to hit on me, as if I'm the least scary female they think to try out their whining on. I just pat them on the head and tell them to go practice elsewhere.

Count me in the harem, Weas. We need more men to make us laugh, and not at what's in their pants!

Jim and Garret said...

Good point... I'll come to you.

Garret

Calantha said...

Nah, Weas, nothing to do with the blog or you. I just gave the idea some more serious thought. It sounded like fun, and then I remembered that I was never one for that type of stuff in any way, even when I was younger.

"RESPECT THE VAGINA!" Too bad the guy in the ad probably never will unless someone hits him in the face with a branding iron.

CutNJump said...

Jim and Garret said...
I feel bad for him. I'm glad he's not gay and plays for your team.

-Garret-



I love it! You guys crack me up!


Sorry Weasel, I won't be joining the harem. I don't share or play well with others either. Why would I want my own room, when I can have the whole house, a new wardrobe (your clothes) AND your truck too, instead?

You are a brave man Weasel. Most men can hardly handle, let alone deal with one woman. You are taking on many? Brave, brave soul...

As for the poor bastard in the OP- a guy once told me the secret to knowing if what you are doing is working or not, is to listen to their breathing.

Armed with that bit of wisdom, this poor fucker (and the rest of you guys out there) can STOP FUCKING DOING THAT!!! long before we have to TELL you to.

cattypex said...

"fourplay"? As in... like... maybe... 4 participants?

Oh wait, that's a different post. Poor li'l schmuck. He IS too pathetic for pity sex. If you don't understand why foreplay is NECESSARY, then... go read your college Human Sexuality book again. Or that pamphlet from the Health Center....

As for bagpipes, HEY, a bekilted man is welcome in MANY women's bedrooms, Weas!

I guess I too have the pirate/puffy shirt fetish.

------

Wow.... this guy is the saddest case yet!

cattypex said...

ANGRY RACCOONS.

I'm glad I do Kegels because I almost peed myself.

cattypex said...

Last one, sorry for triple...

Fugly said:
"Men do not understand not wanting new and different at all, and women don't understand the appeal of new and different."

NOOOOOOO, New and different is GOOD. Esp. if it's from the same man.

Picky Bitch said...

Personally, I (among others here) think that bagpipes might be sexy--at least it would blend with my screams making them less noticeable to the neighbors.

And I've ALWAYS been turned on by scottish/irish accents...especially when they belong to a well muscled man wearing a kilt! ;-) *coos: talk dirty to me baby...*

Emily said...

In the future, let's try to avoid using the words 'splinter' and 'vagina' in the same sentence....

Eric said...

This post made me laugh out loud, I could barely contain my mirth. Oh, and by the way, this is my first post on this blog.

I feel bad that I'm a man now because of reading all of these pathetic attempts at gaining a woman's sexual favors.

Personally, I am waiting until marriage to get my first time. But because I have no clue how to attract a mate, I've given up. I'd rather be alone and lonely than create more female enemies because I tried too hard, or was too needy.

If this keeps up, I will be a real living 40 year old virgin in another four years. Since I feel that women hate me, I feel that its best to leave them alone, and avoid masturbation.

And no, please don't offer your sympathy, I am not asking for a pitty fuck, nor do I ever try to hook up with people online. I believe in meeting in person as the only way. But of course, that's if I actually wanted to find someone and didn't fear rejection. Which I do, so I don't.

I very much want a mate, but I have no idea how to get one, and would rather it be alot less painful a process than it really is. So, I try to keep peace between me and the fairer sex by not responding to interest shown to me by women, because I have always fooled myself in thinking that she's interested, when in fact, she isn't. The more I'm convinced a woman likes me, the more I know I'm dead wrong. It's best just to never try, then to risk their wrath when I do show interest.

That's how I feel about it. I am a love shy person. There are many more men like me. Just look up "love shy" under google.

Anonymous said...

That's not fair to say. I love bag pipes.

xenobiologista said...

I feel really sorry for this guy. At least he's sincere and not a massively overinflated asshole like most of the other ad-writers on this blog. What he really needs to do though is to stop focusing on the sex part and get a girlfriend first...as long as he's a nice enough person otherwise. The OCD might be off-putting though.

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