Sunday, November 23, 2008

The Vagina Whisperer

Do you own a stubborn, shy, finicky or easily spooked vagina?

I am The Vagina Whisperer, a vagina virtuoso with over twenty years under my belt of coaxing deep, fulfilling orgasms out of perturbed, unfulfilled and inexperienced vaginas. A skilled artisan, I have soothed angst ridden vaginas, and coaxed into deep, florid orgasm some of the most determined and obstinate vaginas that ever graced the earth.

Bring me your weary, mishandled or neglected vagina. Permit me to nurse coddle and cajole it back into its original form and glory. Don't you miss the days when your vagina had repeated daily use? Remember when it was toned, and moist and ready to ride at a moment's notice? Vaginas are mankind's greatest treasure. Don't let yours go to waste! TomE

A “horse whisperer” utilizes various methods of modern equine psychology to train and rehabilitate disturbed horses. Tom "The Vagina Whisperer" meekly attempts to correlate this horse-healing ideology to women, not realizing that a vagina isn't going to dance around like a little circus monkey for a sugar cube. Believe me Tom, if it only took sugar to open a woman's legs I'd bathe myself in waffle syrup and dress in a nougat suit.

Horses and vaginas are completely different creatures Tom, so don't compare the two. One is an animal in and of itself; it has its own feelings, moods and desires. Although sometimes it relishes human interaction and affection and enjoys getting saddled up for a great ride, we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn.

Tom takes the worst possible approach to attract a woman; he treats your vagina as though it were some sort of troubled autonomous nation-state with a self-esteem problem. The vagina isn't the problem Tom; the problem is the endless line of impotent, inexperienced assclowns that think spending 10 minutes with a thesaurus and some nifty word trickery will get them a day pass into the Ovarian Institute. Pussy is an exclusive Hollywood nightclub Tom, and you're Bill Gates in a Thriller t-shirt and a Member's Only jacket standing outside the velvet ropes with a bag of glowsticks and a hula hoop wishing you knew what it felt like to be inside.

Your ridiculous personal ad instantly and completely negates your claim that you have nearly twenty years experience resurrecting neglected and weary vaginas, because in just two paragraphs you managed to bore 10,000 vaginas to death. You might think your ad is clever, but I haven't seen this many collective vaginas yawn since erectile dysfunction became hip.

WWHM readers frequently note the strong correlation between the illiteracy of a person posting a personal ad and the stupidity of the content of the ad. Tom completely destroys this theory in that not only is his personal ad the most literate ad we've ever posted on WWHM, but it simultaneously qualifies as one of the stupidest personal ads we've ever run. It's almost as if all the stupid in his head miraculously drained into his balls right before he put feather to parchment.

But as all women know, if balls were IQ points, then ......... well I think that joke just kind of finishes itself, doesn't it?

55 comments:

maque said...

The joke really does complete itself.

This guy is never, ever getting near my genitals.

SassyBrunette said...

Very reminiscent of "Cock Talk." I don't even have anything else to say, this is so incredibly stupid.

Nosnikta said...

Wait! Where's his diagram???

(still laughing about "Lick Here")

Thingsthatperplexme said...

If that man makes my vagina whisper, he's doing something horribly wrong. It had better well be screaming bloody murder and filing assault paperwork.


Although the dudes whispering picture is kinda hot..

Jim and Garret said...

I've only got 2 more words to look up and then I might know what he was saying.
But seriously, Weasel, my favorite line:
"...we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn."

Garret
http://jimandgarret.blogspot.com/

Mack Truck said...

I don't want someone to whisper at my vagina; I want them to do other things to it with their mouths, hands, and tongue!

Well written dreck. You're absolutely correct, Weasel.

fleeting said...

This deserves the hall of fame. I nearly peed my pants.

Calantha said...

I kept hearing him intone, a la Lisa Simpson when she was drunk at Duff Gardens "I am the Vagina Whisperer!"

Mary said...

I really think the picture tops it off nicely. Think TomE knows that's an ear, not a vagina he's about to lick??

This quote is why I love the Weasel:
"Believe me Tom, if it only took sugar to open a woman's legs I'd bathe myself in waffle syrup and dress in a nougat suit."

Well said, Weas. Well said.

RebelJubilee said...

Good God, I have to up my standards from uses punctuation and grammar now. Damn.
Well written critique as always, Weasel. I got a lot of funny looks for laughing about the "...we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn." part

Trainer X said...

Wow! What more can you say about that guy? A vagina whisperer huh? Well it seems as though all of womankinds prayers have been answered! *head to the desk*

www.ihateyourhorse.blogspot.com

Brandy said...

Does he realize that whispering into certain vaginas at certain times can cause death? And not always his own!

My vagina doesn't live in a barn, but it gets visits from the farrier...

SassyBrunette said...

"My vagina doesn't live in a barn, but it gets visits from the farrier..."

LMAO Brandy.

searching_for_something said...

This guy sounds like a big penislick. I wouldnt let anyone near me if they proceeded to whisper at me like that.

Nosnikta said...

LMAO "farrier". Mine only grabbed for my boobs.

Did anyone notice that Tom's vagina-ear has sideburns?

Walk On said...

"One is an animal in and of itself; it has its own feelings, moods and desires. Although sometimes it relishes human interaction and affection and enjoys getting saddled up for a great ride, we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn."

LMAO Weasel.....spoken like a man who's never hung around a horsewomen. Some of us pretty much do live in a barn - we'll go into the house to eat, but that's about it, expecally if there's a broodmare involved and it's foaling season.

There's a how-to-get woman hint for ya hon, learn to ride. Most stables I've been out ran like a 20 to 1 female-to-male ratio, and the 1 male was always already taken.

Sides that, you already *know* we can ride....

Thank you for the commentary - it woke me up after windbag got me drowsy.

Did anyone else hear "Fraiser"'s voice when reading that ad? Like if he was gonna place a dirty add, this is how he'd do it, am I right?

RebelJubilee said...

Walk on,

Riding and dancing will get women all the time. I can't dance worth a crap and the guy I'm taking lessons from is an awesome lead (makes me look good). I'd take him home in a heartbeat. I'm gunshy on the horse men. Had one and it'll take some convincing for that again

Ashers said...

That is by far the funniest thing I have ever read !!! :-)

"Believe me Tom, if it only took sugar to open a woman's legs I'd bathe myself in waffle syrup and dress in a nougat suit."

Brilliant!

Oh and now I am going to sue you for the expense of having my sinuses sorted as I've just snorted toothpaste up them....it bloomin' well hurt !!!

Will be going to bed with a smile of my face !

JohnieRotten said...

Hey Vagina Whisperer speak up I cunt hear you!

Black Money said...

As a horse person I am not totally 'sold' on the whole 'horse whisperer' thing so as a person who doesn't like this guy... well you can guess the rest.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

"Pussy is an exclusive Hollywood nightclub Tom, and you're Bill Gates in a Thriller t-shirt and a Member's Only jacket standing outside the velvet ropes with a bag of glowsticks and a hula hoop wishing you knew what it felt like to be inside."

So, so, so, so true!

This really is one of the most retarded ads ever. I observed when I first read it that most "horse whisperer" guys believe if you're not doing it their way, you're doing it wrong. Can you just imagine the fun of that attitude in bed...!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

"My vagina doesn't live in a barn, but it gets visits from the farrier..."

Ooooh have you worked out that sex-for-shoeing arrangement every horsewoman on earth fantasizes out? :-)

Toycia said...

Blech, this ad just makes my skin crawl

Walk On said...

Rebel - you got that right!

Dancing = foreplay credits.

Really, guys need to figure this out. 1 hour on the dance floor will set you up to have your clothes ripped off the second you hit privacy. Don't need no freakin' alphabet technique if you can tango. :D

The real kind of dancing though, not the "stand in one place and have a sezure while dry humping" crap they try to pass off as dancing these days.

I want a man who can jitterbug. (sigh) Lindy hop works too, so long as he can keep me going in the right direction, lol, I tend to lose track of where I am in that one. :D

Damn, I just figured out why Weasel REALLY started this blog...to find out what women really think, actually want, and what totally works. Sneaky bastard! :P

jax said...

heheheeee!

Tom, my vagina has a first name and its C-L-O-S-E-D.

Lynda said...

"My vagina doesn't live in a barn, but it gets visits from the farrier..."

Every 6 weeks for a trim or for shoes? LMAO

"...we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn."

My son had to run into the room he thought I was dying as I spewed my chicken nuggets everywhere when reading this. He thought I was choking.

God I love you Weas!

Lynda said...

OK I wrote the first comment before finishing all the others... Thanks Jax!

"Tom, my vagina has a first name and its C-L-O-S-E-D."

All I can hear is the Oscar Meyer song with that! LMAO

Weasel said...

Whoops, I'm late to the show.

Surprised this one worked- I thought the ad was retarded but the commentary didn't seem to work.

I'm going to recruit someone to respond to these ads and see what we get.

I can't post it, but I can "summarize" perhaps.

Sheri said...

I think my Vagina is deaf.

Tangent said...

Fuck you make me giggle like when my ex told me he new what he was doing.

At least I'm laughing with you and not at you

I quoted you in my blog, just thought I'd say thanks.

Anonymous said...

"I'd bathe myself in waffle syrup and dress in a nougat suit."

Oh Weasel. I quiver at the thought.... *sigh*

Lynda said...

Thanks Jax I was just in the shower... and came up with more lyrics!

My vagina has a first name... its C-L-O-S-E-D, my vagina has a second name its 4-E-V-E-R.

I love to sing this song every day... this is why I will say... That my vagina is CLOSED 4EVER due to losers just like you.

Sing this to the Oscar Meyer song...

LOL

Diane said...

This is my favorite entry so far! Not only a great ad, but a great post that got back to the roots of berating a man's wooing efforts, not just his physical goods.

I nominate him for Hall of Shame, just because anyone who can use a thesaurus and correct grammar automatically wins over the regular idiots.

Raven said...

LOL that is freakin' hilarious.
"...we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn." and I'm with everyone else in thinking that this is the best line ever!!

www.gumbootsandjeans.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

Bloody creepy...but now I get Robert Redford flash backs as well...

Havocec said...

Oh nougat with gum drops is my favorite.

Other then that. I'm at a loss for words. How about a paycheque whisperer, or a shoe sale whisperer? Something useful.

anniebanannie said...

Walk On said:
There's a how-to-get woman hint for ya hon, learn to ride. Most stables I've been out ran like a 20 to 1 female-to-male ratio, and the 1 male was always already taken.

As I've told both of my sons: In the horse world there is a high target ratio. It's like shooting a shotgun into a flock of birds.

... and most of us have... [ahem] passionate natures.

Zwitter said...

"...he treats your vagina as though it were some sort of troubled autonomous nation-state with a self-esteem problem."

Never ever EVER stop writing, Weasel XD

Brandy said...

Well, if I don't get those special shoes put on, it tends to leave snail tracks...


Johnny Rotten, HAHAHA!!!! Good to see you here too!!

And Weasel, if you did dress that way, I know I'd lick ya! Of course, so would stray dogs, seagulls, raccoons....

horsegal said...

OMG, this one is priceless... *shakes head in disbelief*

"One is an animal in and of itself; it has its own feelings, moods and desires. Although sometimes it relishes human interaction and affection and enjoys getting saddled up for a great ride, we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn." Weasel, this is excellent stuff! Can I print that out and hang it on my wall???

wheelin126 said...

I bet he knows how to lick the A B C's!!!

*starts shoving to get to the front of the line*

CaliGirl9 said...

Any vagina that "needs" Tom's services probably really needs a nice skilled gynecological surgeon ...

Lynda said...

I actually have a vagina guardian... it works pretty neat. I like to sleep on my stomach. My 'guardian' likes to sleep between my legs. Get near her while she's doing her guard duty and she bites you... only weighs 10lbs and takes her job seriously. So if this guy ever came near he would find a 10 lbs Papillon she bitch attached to his nose... Rae does take her job to extremes... she snapped at the BF last night for disturbing us.

God I love this dog! LOL

The Zebra said...

I wonder how the vagina whisperer feels about chastity belts.

John said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

I have a running collection of quotes on my MySpace and I'd like to add this one: "Pussy is an exclusive Hollywood nightclub Tom, and you're Bill Gates in a Thriller t-shirt and a Member's Only jacket standing outside the velvet ropes with a bag of glowsticks and a hula hoop wishing you knew what it felt like to be inside."

*snortgigglesplutter*

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Oh Weasel, I just love you way too much. I recently found your blog and I'm yours. I'm putting you on my blogroll tonight so that all my freinds (the T.W.A.T.s) can enjoy you too.

Reisa Stone said...

Walk On, you are so right. That would be Frasier's ad. Frasier is honestly so creepy. I love the other characters on the show, but can someone tell me how ol' frogface keeps getting laid by beautiful women? Or is that supposed to be the whole joke?

LolaCheez said...

RebelJubilee-
I ABSOLUTELY agree on the dancing comment. I'll fall for a guy in a heartbeat if he knows how to lead! I must've had a crush on like half the guys in my social dance class in college ^_^ And it's no coincidence that the best leads already had girlfriends, much to my frustration.

Jeff said...

To be honest, I got a good laugh out of this. It is absolutely stupid as a serious personal ad, but it is funny as hell.

In response to the response, I must remind the readers that not all guys are like this. The only guys like this either haven't passed puberty (but obviously english class) or someone who needs a serious talking to by someone with an actual vagina.

Just laugh this off as someone not getting any for a while and move on.

Anonymous said...

When I see ads like this I replace "vagina" with "penis" and it becomes clear. This is what turns some men on so it must work for some women, right?

It sounds so much like something my husband would say just being goofy that I almost want to write and ask if he is for real.

Jeff, most of us know not all guys are like this but the ones that are are effing HILARIOUS.

Barbara said...

Really, if this guy was such a magician with female genitalia, he would know to call it by its proper name. The portion of female anatomy on the outside, which includes the labia and clitoris, is the vulva. The vagina is the channel inside. The guy lost me when he couldn't even get the latin name right.

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Anonymous said...

Tom is quite the ladies man

Anonymous said...

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