Greetings and welcome to Captain One Eye's dinner theater 46M
Come listen to exciting tales of Captain One Eye's world travels and meet his faithful sidekick, Willie the Baloney Pony. Dinner tonight features an appetizer of kisses, followed by a second course of oral sex, and a main course consisting of a hearty portion of super hard man sausage artfully presented with Captain One Eye's special cream sauce. And one lucky lady will win the opportunity to meet Captain One Eye personally, and take a ride to Nirvana on Willie the Baloney Pony. Don't miss out on this exciting opportunity, seating is very limited. Email Captain One Eye aka Mark at xxxxxxx@ xxxxx.xxx
With guys like Mark, you really just have to give up any sense of hope.
Pussy is so foreign to him he'd probably try to feed it potato chips.
Pull down your little mini-skirt, and chances are Mark would scoop your vagina into a mason jar and scurry up a tree like a squirrel that just found a Mars Bar.
Sure we've seen worse ads here at WWHM headquarters, but I know women that would rather pedal a rusty tricycle three miles uphill in a driving hailstorm to fuck an unemployed male metermaid in the goat-milking pit of a petting zoo. And as most experienced WWHM readers know, nothing fucking strokes our fur backwards more than grown men utilizing childish and pseudo-clever story constructions in their personal ads; we'd much rather just entertain another run-of-the-mill online derelict presenting a grainy cellphone visage of his oiled penis to women as if it were a photo of a giggling child in a Santa sweater.
Because hey, at least they're being honest about what they're bringing to the table.
But when you run ads like Table For One, The Vagina Whisperer or Cock Talk, you're simply providing a glaring showcase for your sexual immaturity towards women, while simultaneously trying to get them to fuck you. Believe me, for every 5,000 guys online trying to find pussy, there might be one desperate woman trying to find a dick. And with all those options out there, she's going to want to find a dick that treats her womb like a monkey trying to fish coins out of a jar. Not a guy who pumps, dumps, and wonders why she's staring at you like you just shot her dog.
Your deftly crafted childhood fable of Captain One-Eye and Willie the Baloney Pony might go over well during "Bad Story Hour" at the Greenacres Library, but women already know how the story will end.
An uninvited guest appearance by "Fingers" McGee.