Monday, February 9, 2009

The Weeper

i am a sensetive man- 44m

i am a man who love nature, and all the things in it to behold. who are we to judge it? i am a man that will cry out for you when you are not near me. i am a man not afraid of my feelings for you, when held by a woman who holds me with the soft touch of her brest. i am a man who will cry tears when we make love, for my love will feel so deeply for you inside. i am a man who cries waiting for yours response. i yern for your soft and gentel kisses. kevin

Yeah, we get it Kevin. You're a really fucking sensitive guy.

When not rushing to assist a frightened young deer with the birthing of her first fawn, one might find you wistfully cursing at the unbridled freedom of the deep blue sky. Your heart yearns to sketch a solitary dewdrop, yet the beauty is simply too painful; how can one accurately replicate the tears of a bygone season?

Women may find a portion of your sensitivity attractive Kevin, but even a clan of starved fucking Eskimos would flee from your relentless onslaught of blubber. Exploring your emotional side may have worked in your 20's, but now you're 44 years-old; at some point you need to gnaw away at the nutrient-rich placenta you wear as a goddamn picnic hat and put on a pair of open-toed sandals to take a Hollywood studio tour in a loud shirt.

Because women are wise to this game, my friend. And history can prove it.

After years of complaining about the sexual brutality of the dominant male, prehistoric women gradually found themselves beginning to sexually appreciate the less dominant and sensitive males who stayed behind during the hunt to paint images of sunsets on cave walls and grunt rhythmically about glacial deposits. Never ones to pass up a free meal, other cavemen quickly adjusted by showcasing their softer sides.

Unfortunately, this blew up in the face of women. In no time, they found themselves mired in a society full of plant-gathering, cave-cleaning, soft-cocked sissy boys that sat around on rocks all day complaining they couldn't hunt because "it was too foggy."

Rather than sleep with a bunch of bird-fearing, fire-dousing girly apes, women straddled porous stones and hoped for earthquakes while furiously whittling ivory tusks into the shape of the cave cocks they had once been so relentlessly pounded by. "Homo-Erectus my ass!" they exclaimed, "Why don't you Flaccidius Minimus motherfuckers just go outside and try not to cry when you're startled by the sudden hissing of a nursing squirrel."

I recommend you keep your sensitivity in check, Kevin. Women might find a little emotion attractive, but walking into the kitchen to find you breast feeding an injured sparrow crosses the line. Women can only withstand so many rivers of phlegm during a Meredith Baxter-Birney Lifetime marathon, and they're supposed to be hers.

Buck up, motherfucker. Keep weeping like a bitch, and you'll drive your women into the arms of a unemployed, heroin-addicted rock band drummer who eats fucking nails for amusement.

And she'll fucking love it.

72 comments:

RebelJubilee said...

Very, ah...bold Weasel. Might want to check the tags in your html.


On the other hand this
>>"Homo-Erectus my ass!" they exclaimed, "Why don't you Flaccidius Minimus motherfuckers just go outside and try not to cry when you're startled by the sudden hissing of a nursing squirrel."<<
Had me scaring the multitude of animals in my house with laughter. Great post

DissolvedGirl said...

"it was too foggy" - !! that was gold. Who knows how many whiny make-my-problem excuses I've heard hanging around the direct descendants of the "plant-gathering, cave-cleaning, soft-cocked sissy boys" in my lifetime? ...well, perhaps you, Weas, perhaps only you.

great post :)

Weasel said...

Send me an email Rebel. ???

Biskuits said...

Haha, you know, I had checked earlier today and thought there wouldn't be a new post, then I saw that you had been featured this week at Cracked.com ( http://www.cracked.com/article_16781_crackedcom-top-picks.html ) and had to come back and tell you, and now I find a new post! Gosh, what a delightful turn of events!

For some reason, I wasn't able to breathe while I read this fellow's add. Like, I wasn't laughing, I just... couldn't stand the thought of taking in air while reading that bullshit. Then I hit the commentary, hit "it was too foggy" and couldn't breathe because I was actually laughing too hard. I have bronchitis, Weasel; what are you trying to do--kill me??!! I'll be suffering for this laugh for hours!

...Bless you, sir XD <3

Weasel said...

Post comes up fine on IE Rebel, please let me know if something comes up differently on Firefox????

Is is all bold type or something??

Rhea said...

That was good. I dated a " sensitive man" oh my god that was painfull...in fact i was like dating a girl.... and I am no lesbian!!! I had the bad idea to get pregnant...can you say breastfeeding envy.... but not because he wantd to be the baby...he wanted to be the one with the boobies!!!

Diablo said...

It's all big bold print. A much larger font than it should be.

Weasel said...

IS that better? Blogger SUCKS.

Katrina said...

I have to wonder about a guy who has to start sentences with "I am a man". Who's he trying to convince?

Weasel said...

Hopefully thats fixed. The way Blogger automatically formulates extra HTML code really blows me sometimes.

TornadoBaby said...

The font and all looks normal for me (on Firefox).

Breastfeeding an injured sparrow... your descriptions made me choke on my coffee, shame!

Then again, between FHOTD and this, you'd think I would have learned not to drink or eat while reading either...

RebelJubilee said...

all fixed looking.

Tordenkakkerlakk said...

I have no dick and it's the happiest day of the year. This is really gonna ruin Christmas for me." "Honey just try not to let it get to you.

Dickless_in_Dixie said...

I have no dick. What's gonna my girlfriend say? Hell, how am I gonna fuck? Or piss? Or... Shower with other guys in the gym? Or...

Anonymous said...

When he said he would cry while making love. . . that creeped me out.

Reisa said...

Eeeeewwwwwwwwww!!!

I've never dated one this bad, but definitely ones using these traits as their marketing tool.

The problem with guys like this is their endless passive-aggression. When you call them on their sabotage or, "I hate you mommy" behavior, they snivel and cry.

Nope, dominant men are better. Even the ones a tad overly so. They understand and respect dominance behavior---you can tell I train dogs and horses. Use a well chosen word/tone of voice, stand them up at the right time, and voila! Problem solved. You just treat them the way men treat each other. When they straighten out the errant behavior, you go back to being all soft and doe-eyed yourself.

There's no way to discipline the weepers. They usually don't have male friendships, so don't respect pack order and behavior.

And for some reason, they never, ever, have the advantage of being as well groomed or funny as a gay guy. You inherit all the negative stuff with none of the benefits. You have gay boyfriends, you say? Honey, yakking with them ABOUT sex is way more pleasurable than having sex with a weeper.

Eeeeeewwwwwwww!!!

Bree said...

Oh dear - Mr sensitive please use a dictionary when you are posting a "I am trying the SNAG approach to snag a lady". I must be the only picky one, but whenever I read an advertisement (as these basically are) and it is splattered with incorrect spelling they might as well not take pride in their appearance.

On another note, I had no idea the first vibrators were made from tusks, love to see your references for that Weasel. Wonder how the anthropologists explained that in their publications.

robyn said...

Hey I'm always a sucker for a drummer... =D

Gustibus said...

Apparently our boy (he hardly deserves to be called a MAN)hasn't had much success with the ladies, judging from his unfamiliarity with feminine anatomy. Brests--or even breasts--though clever in function and a frequent source of entertainment, generally lack the prehensile quality needed to glom onto and hold another body--even one that's not all soggy and tear-stained. Ick!

Thanks, Weasel, for the "nutrient-rich placenta you wear as a goddamn picnic hat." I shall be mightily disturbed by that image once I stop laughing.

foxytoxin said...

He is pathetic, but I kinda find you subtle misogyny funny.

lynettepleasant said...

Definitely one of the funniest ever! Why do the guys who want to be taken most seriously have the worst spelling? Can someone answer that for me?

Hyena Overlord said...

Mmmmmm drummers...

I can't stand a sick man let alone a sensitive one.

Great commentary as usual.

Hyena Overlord said...

Oh wait...the baby come back commercials with the mop..remind me of this milksop.

Carol :) said...

Not only is he a total wuss and scary to boot, he can't spell worth crap!

Who does he think he is going to attract with an ad like that?


Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.....

Eccentric_Lady said...

Hilarious Weasel!

But really, with the misspellings and lack of grammar really enforces the idea of his lack of maturity. Emotionally and mentally methinks to boot.

ranearia said...

*laughs* another great post!

Reisa said...

Gustibus,

Prehensile breasts! Hahahaha...

I missed the implication of that at first. Thanks.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Keep weeping like a bitch, and you'll drive your women into the arms of a unemployed, heroin-addicted rock band drummer who eats fucking nails for amusement.

And she'll fucking love it.<<

A-fucking-men.

Personally, you couldn't give me a "nice guy" if he came complete with a winning lottery ticket! That whiny shit makes me CRAZY.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Nope, dominant men are better. Even the ones a tad overly so. They understand and respect dominance behavior---you can tell I train dogs and horses. Use a well chosen word/tone of voice, stand them up at the right time, and voila! Problem solved. You just treat them the way men treat each other. When they straighten out the errant behavior, you go back to being all soft and doe-eyed yourself.<<

OMG...Reisa, I think you totally explained why I like this type.

They're like horses. I get it now!

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Oooohhh - unemployed rock band drummer who eats nails? Where can I get a speed date with that player?

DothNotWisdomCryOut said...

I just discovered WWHM... and in the same day discovered why its not worksafe by being silly and skipping over the 'cute' pictures... oops!

Very important question! Is this picture of a man yearning for 'soft and gentel kisses' (and maybe some spelling lessons?) from portland, or? Just wondering if thats the pic that came with the ad... and if so, I'll be taking some bleach to our public water fountains to get the mama's-boy cooties off them. Just wondering because the fountains very much resemble our beloved Benson Bubbler's, installed in the 1910's:
http://www.pdx.edu/media/a/l/alumn-_sbh_old_bubbler.jpg
http://lh3.ggpht.com/_wkcXWmk2LAA/RvAdveFdD8I/AAAAAAAAACs/QQzWgFNwuwQ/P3190041.JPG

Reisa said...

Hi FHOTD,

That's strange. I just sent you an email through your site, asking your opinion re: horse rescue.

Now when you open it among your many millions a day, you can be pretty sure I'm not a crazy :-D

Anonymous said...

when I was 16 my first dating (no sex at this point) was with a guy named Paul. He was a burly looking guy, but when he started to try and make out with me, it was all this simpering, slimey, whiney, fawning, creeeeeepy, sensitivity stuff. He only got a chance to try it once, never again! Creeped me out. We worked at the same Burger King mind you, wasn't easy. But, then I met mister rock man (back then Journey, Rush, Led Zep, you know). Spent 7 years fighting with him. Was better than one evening with mister simpering drivel, creepily trying to stroke my skin! EEEWWW...

Good post!

schammieschammie said...

*snorting coffee up nose* Great post, and love Fugly and Reisa's comments.. re: dominant men. Yep, just like horses, and I don't wear an "alpha mare" hat for nothing...

Tribblehappy said...

"buck up, motherfucker." Indeed! I've dated a man who could cry (not to be confused with a man who WOULD cry) but in general, I prefer my men to be stronger than me. And dating wussy men made me strong.

Rhae said...

Personally, I like balance. I don't want to be "dominated" but I don't want a man who's more sensitive than I am...

Fhtrkstr101 said...

I absolutely love this post. One of my favorites lately.

Missed you! Hope you are well!

RICARDO said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

"Homo-Erectus my ass!"

HA HA HA HA HA HA

Funniest line. Perfect delivery.

Calantha said...

What Rhae said. And this guy doesn't fit the bill.

Cut-N-Jump said...

All I could read was the ad.

What a fucking bawl baby!

Hey Kevin- Women don't like that. Not so much as you would think anyways...

Start crying around me and I'd be inclined to punt your nuts up inside your chest. That will sure dry up those tears.

Cut-N-Jump said...

when held by a woman who holds me with the soft touch of her brest. i am a man


I am glad he clariffied that for us all. And what man misspells BREAST?

Really now!

Mack Truck said...

I can't get over the fact that he cries during sex. Ooogy!

That doesn't make him sensitive, it makes him creepy-scary.

He's probably the type to blame you for his erectile dysfunction too, because you were "mean" to him.

Please, just no.

Guys like this totally creep me out. It's not hard to imagine them crying while they chop you up into little pieces while blubbering, "But I really, really loved you! You were just SOOO mean, and wanted to leave me, and I couldn't have that!"

Ick.

Ashers said...

What is it about this type of ad that makes me want to stomp all over his pathetic ass ??? Honestly, it's like a genetic thing - I date a "sensitive" type and it just brings out the total BITCH in me !!! That's right, cry baby, you let me walk all over you and I BLOODY WELL WILL !!!

It's a flaw :-)

Reisa said...

Hey Schammieschammie,

Isn't FHOTD great? I'm a big fan.

It occurs to me these snivelers are like orphaned, imprinted foals. From what I've gathered, they (the human men)have parents who alternately overload them with their own emotional crap and unresolved sexual issues, then abandon the child when he has a need. I've met men who were their mother's "substitute husband" when the father abandoned. These guys go looking for the same kind of sicko relationship as adults.

Such a foal wanders around trying to nurse on everything. Their behavior is neither horselike nor human, it's obnoxious and kind of creepy.

Please understand, I have utmost empathy for people who've been emotionally or sexually incested. It's just that a lot of these men refuse to get professional help. When a woman realizes something like this has happened to her, she gallops to a support group and a therapist. A generalization: men tend to carry it around and inflict it on others, not even recognizing their own pain and bizarre behavior.

The foal is still trying to nurse and "hug" you at six years of age. He is puzzled and hurt when you push him away.

the stuff said...

my heroine-addicted rock band boyfriend is a vegetarian. wtf??

Kelly said...

You know, I almost wonder if this particular personal ad is from one of those Nigerian scammers. They do a lot of "love" scams now, and the writing is just so... 419-ish...

Hjorrdis said...

Why can't any of these morons spell?

Gustibus said...

I think the crappy spelling is one of Nature's ways of identifying losers, like blowfish puffing up. It certainly is easier and less painful than actually having to talk to them...

cattypex said...

"And what man misspells BREAST?"

Hey, I dated an overly emotional turdlet who told me that my boobs were TOO BIG. WTF is that?!?!?!!

I think "They" revoked his Man Card for that one.... last I saw he was still looking for a Stevie Nicks/Susannah Hoffs in that Eternal Flame video clone.

paul_linn_is_a_jerk said...

Bad spelling = run for your life!!!


http://paullinnthoroughbredcheater.blogspot.com/

Gustibus said...

Hey Cattypex--you're absolutely right about your weeny guy. He absolutely should have his Man Card yanked. I've also noticed a weird 'emo male'/small breast correlation. I'm a laughingly self-described "38 Long" but even so, I've never had a guy suggest I needed some kind of Bodacious Ta-tectomy. Good thing you dumped him. Thankfully, most of the guys familiar with The Girls enjoy their "Fun Bag" element.

As long as they don't trwist them into balloon animals, I'm down with that.

Robert said...

wow, simply amazing. how fucking convenient it is that you a woman can say,"Oh no! we dont want men who care about us. WE want strong tough men, who long for the hunt." Wake up you completely pitiful cunt! STOP PLAYIMNG YOUR DUMB BULLSHIT GAMES. if you want a man who is gonna fuck and hunt and do what a man does, he will stray, for it is male nature to hunt, kill, eat, fuck whenever whomever. Wake up wake up wake up!!!!! you will never have the perfect mate, unless the female influence on young men is completely diminished. you the female entity, the mother, have influenced young men and boys to become the "pussies" that they are now. Women created chivalry because of their completely manipulative nature. your despicable has brought down many of the most successful empires in history. in order to get your "toughguy mate" back the fuck off, tell your husband to raise his fucking son, stay your ass raising your daughters. then you will have your wish. the son learns to be a man from his father, if his father is constantly working and gone, his mother becomes the model, not to mention the henpecked nature that every american married man has to live with. Women weaken men, and enjoy it, because it plays into your catty nature and gives you something to make yourself feel better about your position in life. And yes i know i am a chauvinist prick and i will go to hell for my actions, i welcome it and feel no shame for my hatred of the female race.

Nosnikta said...

***I WANT HAVE SIX WITH YOU CORPS***

wtf?

TorontoVet said...

I think the crybaby depicted in the photo is bawling because he can't find his mummy - he looks more like four than forty-four.

LiteralDan said...

"Breast feeding an injured sparrow" = the best yet. Consider the bar raised.

Brandy said...

Dude needs to buy a couple of A's...

Still trying to figure out the holding "with the soft touch of her brest"... Now, I can do that to my man because I'm a saggy baggy old woman! A little titty slapping tends to make him giggle, about as much as I did with this post!

Anonymous said...

Hey Robert, maybe you should point the finger at all the useless dead beat muther fucking dad's who run off and leave their kids then whine about how much they miss them while they fuck anything walking! You like most men out there are loser waste of flesh and oxygen. At least you can try to be clever like Weasel whom I think is awesome.

Anonymous said...

The good news - Robert's hatred of the female GENDER (not race, idiot) will hopefully ensure he will NOT be reproducing. BTW, Robert, you moron, you might want to proofread what you type before hitting the 'publish' button, since you have more mistakes in your pathetic little post than you've probably got brain cells. Go crawl back under your rock, maggot.

Mack Truck said...

Gee Robert, if you hate us females so much, then I suggest you switch teams. Because MEN are so much more understanding, eh?

Loser asshole.

Children need both parents in order to be raised properly.

Men don't need to be polygamous any more than women do. If they can't curb their baser natures, then they shouldn't get married or procreate.

I like a masculine male. That doesn't mean I expect him to eat raw meat and beat on his chest, but I DO expect people to be able to tell which of the couple is the female.

I don't browbeat or harass my SO. He's his own person, and we do for each other out of respect and mutual affection.

Most men like Robert don't WANT an independent woman who can think for herself. They're so insecure of their own identities, that a strong woman terrifies and angers them.

Gustibus said...

I'm just amazed at the U-turn Robert made from the "women don't want a sappy, weepy male" road onto his own private "I hate my mother!!!!1!" drive. Way to go there, Norman Bates.

Weasel said...

Robert, please feel free to post here at any time.

Watching some chicks eat you for fucking lunch is far more amusing than my stupid blog.

Gustibus said...

You're right Weasel, we should be more welcoming. Hope you write again Robert, and next time, bring your mother.

casualencounters.com/blog said...

This made me cry. I'm never going to write you a poem again.

cattypex said...

Damn Robert! You DO go on!

Freud, much?

Seriously, I was raised by a very secure and confident father who is skilled in his work and admired by many, and a very secure and confident mother who is skilled in her work and admired by many.

Apparently, you weren't.

John said...

The guy might have bad orthography, but you have to be very brave to state what you think you need in such a blunt way, because all guys know how the other sex reacts to the "over-sensitive approach" before they're 20. What the girls are saying here is, basically, sheer cruelty.

Anonymous said...

i mean I am kind of a sensitive guy but I am not nearly that bad. The point is men are not supposed to show their feelings easily or often or in public. When your all tough on the outside but finally open up to a woman a little bit after a good long time she feels all special that she got to dig that far in and see "what no one else gets to see" Even if plenty of women have fallen for that before. The sensitive things works if it is a "side" having a sensitve side implies you are usually insensitive

Anonymous said...

Lets keep in mind this is a personal add this guy isn't really sensitive he just wants to get laid. And hes overdoing/messing up a tactic

I Like Guys, I Love Self-Deprecatory Humor said...

The sudden hissing of a nursing squirrel

Bree, Reisa, thank you.

Bree, you are NOT the only grammatically picky one. Dammit, now I have to be extra careful in proofing my post, which means I will almost certainly make some egregious typo.

Reisa, you raised some very intriguing ideas re: pecking order/dominance. You're unusually articulate in extrapolating equine & canine rules to human dominance issues; I think the same apply to felines, if slightly differently. And yes, once they (humans, whether male or female) have been introduced to any sort of formalized dominant/submissive behavior, they tend to be much more competent at negotiating boundaries, preferences, etc., without whining.

Robert, what is "playimg?" As in "STOP PLAYIMNG YOUR DUMB BULLSHIT GAMES." Poor baby. Your irrational, irrelevant anger seems to be overcoming your spellcheck skills. Try actually reading the posts and not applying your own personal agenda to everything, regardless of whether it's even vaguely relevant to the discussion. I wish you well in your journey towards reality. And grammar and spelling.

John (bad orthography) & Anonymous 1 (sensitive guy): I'm one of those people that nearly everyone opens up to, even if I don't want them to - I think because in person I'm generally not judgmental unless you're torturing animals or screwing kids, or vice versa. And I've always been that way, and have on a few occasions been the sole support system for guys that felt they had no one else to talk to about their traumas. Okay, more than a few occasions. I don't get it, because I'm usually extremely snarky, but...they're RIGHT. I don't judge them for any so-called weaknesses. And some of the guys have turned out to be really good people, if after long periods of struggle with internal and external demons. But they also don't perpetrate the sort of would-be user, OMG-pity-me BS that we're seeing here.

Really, it's amazing that anyone is tolerable, given all the societal and marketing bullshit to which we're subjected.

Anonymous said...

OMG, seriously LOL -- unemployed, heroin-addicted rock band drummer! Although for me, it was the ex-coke dealer with rock hard abs who could fuck all night. He was out of my life when he started calling me names, but man he could fuck. Now I look for guys who are more balanced, like have some sensitivity, perspective AND cool male friends (of course, he has to keep me happy or I start thinking about his friends...)

Anonymous said...

edit to clarify, not that anyone cares: boyfriend material has to keep me happy in bed to keep me, not like a spoiled-princess type happy.

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