Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Dirty Talk

***WARNING: NAUSEA INDUCING***

I will make you smile! - 52m

I am the only man that can truely make you cum and cum over and over again. sit on my face and fuck my mouth with your hole. Lay back as i will have you blowing your hole in no time. Next i continue toick you clean never giving you a rest as i banging on your clit like a punching bag (you might try to take a break and push away but I wont let you) and start inserting finger after finger into your soaked cuntwanting to suck on something else you suck me off to my first ejaculation exploding in your mouth. You tell me i taste good and i shoot on your face and chest as you rub my man juice into your skin like lotion. Later I turn my concentration back to you and plow your snatch til you cum again. Then ytou call me from work and tell me how Im the best and how wet i make your pussy and I will want to come lick your juicy snatch again.

Walter XXXXXX (XXX-XXX-XXXX )

As a young teen, I was lucky enough to serve my sexual internship with a woman far more sexually experienced than I was.

I'm not saying she was a slut, but to most guys her vagina was like Las Vegas. Going there sounded like a great idea at first, but you always felt bad about yourself when you left.

But I was 15 years old at the time, so I latched onto her vagina like a koala. She lay on her back patiently for a couple weeks, watching me blindly stab away at her uterus as if she had inadvertantly swallowed a small bird and I was trying to scare it out of her mouth. I hadn't a clue how to get her off however, though I tried valiantly with my vast arsenal of 15 year-old sex tricks, including my patented method of insecurely running my hand over her vagina as if attempting to locate a contact lens, followed by a round of oral sex that would have been more skillfully administered by a large-billed pond goose with cottonmouth.

Fortunately, while I was once again chipping away at her pelvis one day, she stopped me mid-coitus, pulled my face down close to hers, and whispered softly in my ear "Talk to me... ...I want you to talk to me."

Bewildered, I asked "About what?"

"Just talk to me," she said.

"Well, yesterday my mom made me change the oil in her car, and. .... ..."

"No," she said, "talk dirty to me. Tell me how much you love to fuck my hot pussy."

I wouldn't have been more shocked had she suddenly ground up my genitals and fed them to a caged bird.

I complied, but felt incredibly stupid because my poorly chosen "hot words" kept coming out of my mouth in the same tone an old farmer might use to explain the market price of cheese. "Oh," I said, as if explaining weather patterns, "you feel so good inside."

Much to my surprise, she had an almost immediate orgasm. Now, I'm not saying I was any good, because I wasn't. While I couldn't fuck my way out of a bowl of shrimp broth, it ends up she was simply one of those girls that could easily have an orgasm at the sight of a well-made chair, or proper bus change.

I spent the remainder of my high school years playing Wheel of Fortune during sex, trying to figure out which words girls liked, and which words caused them to literally have a seizure.

And I think Walter, whose horribly unfortunate personal ad we've posted today, needs to learn a few things about dirty talk. The point of dirty talk, of course, is to arouse a woman sexually. Walter only succeeds in arousing the remnants of a mildly pleasant mid-day lunch.

For example, I know if you're going to tell a woman you want to "plow her snatch," God help you if you're not standing in a Vietnamese rice paddy with a bag of seed and a trained mule. The only appropriate time to say "snatch" to a woman occurs when someone wearing a raincoat just drove off with her child in a brown van with a bubble window.

I know if you're going to say "cunt", you have about 2 seconds to either say "~inued", or pull out your British passport.

And I know if you're going to say "blowing your hole", you better be holding a pan flute and a driver's license identifying you as The Amazing Zamfir. In theory, you're planning on attracting a woman, not a migrating humpback whale.

If the brain is the largest sex organ, Walter is hung like a circumcised fruit fly. WWHM chooses to critique men's personal ads in order to showcase why women are so hostile sexually towards men sometimes, and if "banging your clit like a punching bag" doesn't sum it up, I don't know what would. While Walter's ultra-progressive logging-barge rhetoric might go over well with the boys after six lonely months at sea, Walter's reproductive grocery sack might soon suffer the brunt of such a descriptive beating, and I will happily sell season tickets and commemorative keychains to such an inspiring event.

Stick that in your hole, Walter.

Please post the worst thing a guy has ever said to you in bed in the comments.

I need a good laugh.

256 comments:

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FallingWindows said...

I was trying to teach him how to get me off and told him to say anything. So he stifles a giggle and leans in. "She's under the bed," he whispers. I scream in terror and dry up for the rest of the night. We had just watched the Grudge and I was having nightmares that she was under my bed. >.< fail

Anonymous said...

My worst comment made to me by a guy an hour or so after finishing sex. He said: "I would really like to penetrate you again". Yuck. I mean the sex had been ok, but I felt like if I said yes I was agreeing to be violated. I am still friends with him, 18 years later, but it's no surprise that I didn't have sex with him again.

shelly_lou said...

a few of my favorite moments:

right after initial penetration of our first time together my bf at the time goes "For someone with so much experience you sure are tight!" For the record I only had a few boyfriends before him but still, way to make me feel like a slut... He was gone soon after

The bf before him one was giving it to me from behind, pushing my head into the pillows and I heard him go "Damn...I am SEXY!" um no.......

same boyfriend also would tell me to "suck daddy's cock" and "give me your tongue" as he would waggle his tongue like a freaking snake at me through his nasty ass teeth an then slobber all over my face...ughhhhhhh

Anonymous said...

I was getting a little kinky with a spanking and my partner said: God you've got a meaty ass. I was completely put off considering I was a very tight and muscular size 6 who never missed a day at the gym. 10 years later I still cringe at the memory! Needless to say that was the end of our evening.

Anonymous said...

I really like dirty talk--the daddy stuff, the whore stuff, what have you--but the one comment from an ex that really got to me was: "I'm going to come in your eyes." I never said anything though because he was really trying hard to make me happy plus I knew he wouldn't really do it--but what a turn off! :/

Anonymous said...

An ex-boyfriend with whom I hadn't had sex at that point, desperately wanted to have sex and tried to talk me into doing it: Come on... I haven't had sex in such a long time - it's only gonna take two minutes so you won't be bothered...
Ummmm no thanks.
And when I didn't respond to that, he continued: My penis is not very big anyways so you wouldn't really feel it. Come on, I already told you it's not gonna take much time.
Right after that he told me he didn't believe in birth control either.
I dumped his sorry ass right away.

My fiance usually doesn't make mistakes but he once said: Oh wow your boobs are gigantic.
I know I've gained some weight and therefore my boobs got bigger but that made me feel like some kind of monster :-s

Anonymous said...

In college a bunch of frat boys, my friends and I were all crammed into a taxi on our way home from the local dive bar. One of the gentlemen had it in his head that he and i were going to hook up that night since i was the unfortunate lady that had to sit on his lap so we would all fit in the cab. He grabbed my butt and pawed at me ferociously-which I tried to dissuade by smacking him. This was construed as foreplay. He then stage-whispered to me in front of NINE people "If we were alone right now I would finger blast you until your pu**y exploded."

We got out of the cab.

Honey said...

You know those guys that are wildly, maniacally insane but somehow still manage to get ridiculous amounts of tail?
I don't want to toot my own horn here, but I am a really hot lady and I've got a sharp tongue. The wildly, maniacally insane and frequently laid guys are the only ones who are ever not clingy or tragically awkward around me, so that's what I usually end up with. Not that I'm complaining.
My last lover was by far the craziest, and he definitely had the most startling language in bed.
The first time we did it, he yanked off my bra and promply yelled, "WOW!!!" and then proceeded to actually growl and say rawwwwwwwwwr the remaining duration of the romp.
I found it oddly charming and hilarious, and it didn't compromise the amazing sex too much, and I was sort of curious to see if he'd have anything else to say.
He sure did.
He said "SHAZAM!" once. Another time, as his nut bust loomed, he started cracking up, and his orgasmic outburst was "MEOW!"
I miss it sometimes, actually.
One thing that threw me once, though:
I peeked my head into his room and he was sitting on his bed with a mostly empty gallon of rum and said, "I am going to get you so fucking wasted that you let me put it in your butt."
Well.. still funny. hahaha

Anonymous said...

I kid you not...

"Can we hurry this up, I have to take a shit."

Sarah said...

I was flogging this guy I had been seeing and in the middle of it he was like "Oh god, last time I got spanked it was by a hooker!" I uh...I didn't really know how to respond to that one. There were other things he said, but that one is the clearest to me now.

Anonymous said...

I guess I'm kind of boring b/c I've only been with one guy and he is amazing even after 17 years.

Anonymous said...

the very first time my husband went down on me he said ew. yeah, that pissed me off. gave him a break though cause he had never done that with anyone else (since he was a virgin when we met), and he has REALLY made up for it in the last 8 yrs. it is now his favorite thing to do!

Anonymous said...

I'd almost rather hear something ridiculous and laugh at it later than here "i swear, this doesn't usually happen" or worse: "this has happened before. I don't really know why". When moving to a new town, I had two guys in a row not be able to get it up and I swear that this really has never happened to ME before. Must be this town....something in the water...

Anonymous said...

The one and only time I slept with an EX on mine he decided to inform me prior to our encounter that his package was the size of a "beer bottle" ok so its deformed? or small?

Small...very like the top of a beer bottle small...he was right...

I promptly broke up with him about 4 days after he literally pounded on my tiny frame like a jackhammer...it was AWFUL

This ad was hilariously disgusting!

Anonymous said...

Lost virginity in my early teens to an awesome girl who I dated for nearly 4 years.

We ended up having a lot of giggly-sex because we were cool enough with each other to keep going after a flub, but she had a little bit of pronoun trouble - finally after hearing about what she was going to do to - oops - HER dick, I burst out laughing so hard that it killed the mood.

Anonymous said...

Grabbed my belly flab after sex and says, "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Anonymous said...

One night stand, midway thru: "You don't got a white pussy baby, you got a black pussy!" He is white, I am Latina. I could take a lifetime of bedside "daddy" comments if I never had to think about this statement again. Racism/racial fetishes/stereotyping, major boner killer!

Anonymous said...

My ex-husband was in the middle of everything and asked me, "Where is the moss killer for the lawn?"

Anonymous said...

I had a BF who used to look at online porn a lot. One day right before we had sex he heaved his heavy sigh and said, "Your body...is...OK."

We didn't last too much longer after that, and to this day if I think about it that messes up my body image.

badfae said...

After my first time, the guy asked me, "Was it everything you hoped it would be?"

(it wasn't)

Anonymous said...

Oh, wow... And here I thought that I had dated some jerks in my day.

I'm actually a big fan of dirty-talk, and being a part of the BDSM-crowd, I actually don't mind being called degrading things. If, and this is an important "if", which probably should be underlined and put in italic letters, there is a mutual understanding that this is BDSM play, not reality. And that mutual understanding should be open and clearly stated.

Being Swedish and all, the comments made to me has mostly been in swedish, but I'll try and translate some of the gems for you.

One morning, I wake up with my (now ex.) fiance's finger inside me. When I turn, asking him, quite bluntly, what the hell he's doing, he looks a bit guily, stating: "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you!"

No, please, don't be sorry. I'M sorry, jack-ass, for actually living with a guy who thinks that the main problem with sexual abuse is that he happened to wake me up.

The next guy was actually desperately cute, a teen aged about 17-18, nerdy, shy and really enjoyed his 19:th century poetry, which was a big turn-on for me when I was around 15. We were having a romantic moment, sitting on a bench in a park watching a small waterfall, a warm summer-night, you know the imagery. He looks me deeply in the eyes, brushes a strand of hair from my face, softly kissing me, and just as I am about to burst with silly-girl-frog-prince-dreams, he looks tenderly down at me and says: "You really have perfect lips for cock-sucking"
Luckily, I kept composure pretty well, but when he realized that he had actually _said_ that thing out loud, he never stopped apologizing. When we broke up a few weeks later, it had nothing to do with his little lapse of tongue (pun intended).

An ONS in my late teens:
"Oh God, you clench like an oyster!"
Eh... Yes. I have found my CP-muscles, and do, occasionally, use them. This does not mean I enjoy getting my snatch referred to as a mollusc.

Oh, and I actually have one in english! A brief FB I once had thought that swedish was a silly language for dirty-talk, and thus delivered his frumping outbursts in english. You know, like they do in porn. Because porn in never silly. Especially not when a swedish-speaking guy, in a badly accented americal english states that he wants to "pack your fudge". He never got around to the fudge-packing, I might add, since I A) Don't like anal in vanilla sex, B) Even less enjoy being nagged about doing stuff I've already turned down.

I'm a screamer, and sometimes the things I scream can get a bit... rough and unsophisticated. Yet, I believe that I have this far shied away from the deep pits of creepyness demonstrated in these comments. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm kind of a well-endowed girl, and this guy I dated in college really liked Asians (and all of their stereotypes). Once he fucked me without taking my bra, and I kind of thought he was so into it that he forgot, and afterwards he says, "I figured you would appreciate me leaving your bra on." Idiot.
Luckily I started dating a "boob" guy.

Waffles said...

he says "you don't care about anything else but that cock, do you baby?" she says, hesitantly, "mm-mm." he says "you don't care that i'm still with my girlfriend, do you? you just want more of that cock." and at that point she stops, gets up, and walks away.

Anonymous said...

Definitely "who's your daddy?" or "yes, fuck my fat cock"

The first because I'm a daddies' girl, and the mere mention of something like that is disturbing as hell.

The second because he was small. VERY small. Like 3.5x1x1 small.

I broke up with him not long after.

Anonymous said...

So, I was living with this guy and for some reason occasionally at night I would wake up feeling like i was going to shit myself. Come to realize he's waiting for me to fall asleep and trying to put it in my ass. What a CREEP!!!!

mduprey said...

My boyfriend of four years had broken up with me two weeks prior, but I was at his house and he was emotionally confused. He held me close and said, "I love you so much. Promise you won't leave me." I said I'd stay the night. He followed these pronouncements with, "Can I fuck you in the ass now?".

Ziggah said...

Hey! That's my wife!

Morgan said...

I'm pretty sure this guy was typing with one hand. Gross.

As for me, I was once invited to "fuck Daddy" -- NOT my father, but the man I was very unwisely dating. And that was that.

Anonymous said...

"You've got enough cunny juice to open a store!"

I swear this is true. It still makes me cringe.

Anonymous said...

Weasel - this blog post is the funniest thing I've read since I can't remember when - you are a brilliant writer - well written for laughs...advice on how to avoid huge mistakes in talking to women are cool enough - the funny is damn funny

Anonymous said...

I was married for nearly 20 years to a man who was not terribly interested in sex, even though I was (and still am) very fit, petite, and considered quite attractive. I really just wanted him to tie me up and do whatever he wanted. He never would. He also didn't respond much to oral sex....as if it was something I shouldn't do; it shamed him. He liked performing it on me, but sex was methodical and predictable (Sunday mornings, like church). He would go down on me, I would have an orgasm, we'd have sex for 10-15 minutes, he'd cum, we were done. Yawn.

Any attempts made by me to "spice" up things in the bedroom were met by total resistance. When he finally said to me "I find your taste and interest in sex repulsive," I let him off the hook. I am now happily divorced and working as a pro-dominatrix.

What a loser.

Although I don't have sex with my clients, obviously, I'm having a blast, and I do have a few selective solid relationship outside of my work, with very trusted and worthy men (they are hard to find). And I do have sex occasionally with my non-work related men.

Your blog is absolutely hilarious, and I cried tears laughing, and almost peed my pants (darn, no recipients) when I read it the first time.

Keep up the good work. I'm glad you are going to write a book. You are brilliant and funny.

By the way, my primary relationship is not a bottom to me, he is my Sir, and he has admitted his absolute embarrassment to me for most of his gender. He is very worthy.

There is some balance to my life now. It sure took a while.

Anonymous said...

I've had a couple, some statements and some actions.

There was the guy who came on hot and heavy for the first month...and after that signaled his readiness for sex by coming to bed without his underwear.

Another would only have sex the way HE wanted, and at one point partway through, I adjusted my position, and without missing a stroke he angrily said, "You're doing it wrong!" and moved me back where I was. He wound up with a restraining order, for other reasons, but that had a lot to do with it.

A guy I was destined to fall in love with was putting on the condom for our first time while I lounged in bed, and said, "Unlike most guys, I can even make this look cool." He was dead serious; I had to pretend to sneeze in order to stifle my laughing.

And last but best, a guy I'd just spent three days in bed with was hanging out with me on his couch. I was sitting on his lap, facing him, and leaned back so he was holding me up. The words, "You're not as heavy as you look!" were out of his mouth and hanging in the air for about a minute before we both figured out that this wasn't the compliment he'd intended, and collapsed into laughter. He's still a good friend and I bug him about it whenever I can.

Anonymous said...

So, this is my bad... I was in bed with my ex and breathily whispered the words "Shoot in my mouth" Maybe I should have been a bit clearer as he suddenly tensed and looked shocked. He thought I had said "Shit in my mouth" Kind of a mood killer...

Also, as an inexperienced teen I had just been down on my ex (he didn't want to come in my mouth - brought up religious) shortly afterwards, I went to kiss him goodnight and he screwed up his face and said, "Could you at least rinse your mouth out, otherwise it's like I'm doing what dogs do, you know, licking my own balls"

Ah, the memories :)

Anonymous said...

'I am about to cum so hard inside of you'
So typical...It get's boring when you hear it the second time. and funny when it's repeated.

Anonymous said...

A few years back I had first- and only-time sex with a middle eastern grad student. While behind me, he hollered out in his high-pitch, broken English "You got a BIG fuckin' ass!" and slapped it with his hand, wide-eyed and marveling. LOL That was an odd experience, to say the least. I'm not even that big of a gal, but he seemed to find my curves novel. And smackable. Didn't do anything for me personally...other than provide a chuckle.

Anonymous said...

"shit, was that the garage door opening? I think you're mom's home!"

Anonymous said...

I pretty much just found this blog today so I'm going to reply to a nine month old post because it'll drive me crazy if I don't share this now.
Whenever my boyfriend (still current) has run out of things to talk about, he'll say "hi!", like maybe if we re-introduce ourselves we'll suddenly re-ignite the conversation, or something. So one night I'm going down on him, and halfway through I hear him moan "hi".
Utterly confused, I looked up, raised an eyebrow at him, and with my mouth full of cock, replied "hello."
We both laughed pretty hard.

Sabertooth Screaming Lemur said...

I was making out with my then-bf, getting ready for a little midmorning coitus. 3 minutes in he reaches for a condom. I prefer *some* foreplay so I grabbed his hand and said "hey, not yet". His response? "Well, we should hurry up. I don't have all day". Oh yeah, asshole? You do now. I got dressed and left.
Unfortunately I was too naive to see the big red flag that should have been, as he turned out to be a manipulative abuser. But he's my ex now and I hope he's dead!

Anonymous said...

Worst thing a guy has ever said to me in bed....hmm...

"Tell me what sounds you'd make and where you would put your tail if you were a cheetah."

WTF?

Anonymous said...

""You can be Princess Leia and I'll be Jaba the Hutt." Because I want to picture myself fucking a morbidly obese worm."


>.>
<.<
Honestly, I would have been all over that nerd, but I'm fully aware that I'm very, very... odd, to say the least...

As for the main post itself, I can't even imagine what pounding someone's clitoris like a punching bag would look like. What's he going to do, punch me in the crotch repeatedly? What the hell? *laughing*

I once had a guy (who was hot, but not very good) ask me, "How many times did you cum?" It wouldn't have been so bad, if the answer hadn't be none. Still, under the best circumstances the question could sound either insecure or arrogant, so it's awkward no matter what.

The Relm Eclipsed said...

Once while a guy tried to go down on me "I can't help it if you're insatiable."

He couldn't find my clit and kept stopping to ask me if I came yet.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for the laugh. My favorite comment from a man, "Baby I can break you in two." WTF please back that statement up. You're human not a blue whale.

ak said...

i know i'm super late on this one.

1. after blowing a guy for a few minutes i came up for air and tried to kiss him. he pushed me away, saying "i don't like the taste of penis"

2. post-coital, we're laying there and i told the guy i like to cuddle, and asked if he did too. he says "not really...i mean it's like, you're hungry, so you eat a pizza, and then you're not hungry anymore."

Anonymous said...

An algerian guy i dated for about 3 weeks up to that point asked me after having sex: "So, why do all you Germans hate the jew?"

One of the few moments in my life i was speechless...

Anonymous said...

this guy was on top of me going at it and all of a sudden he grabs my head and tells me 'oooh your such a good girl!' then proceeds to tap the top of my head and continue... in hindsight i really should have insisted on a cookie afterwords for my treat but i was so in shock i didn't know what to do

_Darth_Indy_ said...

My boyfriend (whom I love) said this the first time we were making out, and he bit my neck: "Edward would be proud!"

Yes, he was referring to Twilight. Yes, he knows I despise the books. No, he has never read them.

It took me a minute to get what he meant, due to being caught up in the moment, but my only reaction was to start cracking up. It really depends on who says these things I guess... I know if one of my exes had said it I would have been disturbed.

JStieve said...

Perhaps this is just me, but I don't find any talk sexy at all. If you want me to move somewhere, move me, or tell me to move (preferably the former) and if you want something, ask, but don't talk to me, and *don't* ask me to respond. You have two options: me enjoying myself, or me talking. They are mutually exclusive. If I'm enjoying myself, I can barely string two words together.

Anonymous said...

My first boyfriend who had never been with a girl yet (he was 17).
It was just one thing, really, just the really annoying habit of asking me over and over and over again if it was good.
Dude, I'm moaning and my back is arching. It's good. Shut up.

Anonymous said...

After my first ever blowjob, freshman year of college, the guy gave me a highfive, then threw me a box of babywipes.

Anonymous said...

Last week I told my boyfriend I had to pee while we were having sex, and he told me he thinks it might turn him on if I did it on him while he was inside me, and then proceeds to tell me he doesn't think it's possible though because he can't. I asked him how he would know and he told me completely casually that he tries all the time with me. WTF.

My current boyfriend doesn't know english and they refer to cum as leche, or milk. The first few montsh I was talking to him I didn't know very much spanish at all so I thought it was really weird that before he came he'd always whisper how bad he wanted to give me his milk, or "darme el leche".

I also dated a guy who would always ask me if I wanted to "suck daddy's dick" and I'd like to say I was disgusted but If I'm really into the sex and the guy he could probably tell me to call him fucking Ronald Mcdonald and I would get turned on haha.

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Anonymous said...

Re: the whole 'daddy' thing.

AGEPLAY IS A THING. BEING INTO THAT STUFF DOES NOT MEAN YOU WANT TO FUCK BABIES. THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

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