Disasster

I got a bitch ass - 31 yr man seeking woman

What do you think of my ass? When I wear tight jeans my ass looks like a womans ass. I think it does.

Tristan

If there were ever reason to apply a rich, gelatinous paste of beef tallow and catnip extract to your eyeballs and rig a box of feral cats to your face, I think you just found it.

Yet perhaps Tristan's decision to showcase his absurdly feminine poop clipper in his personal ad is well founded; a recent Men's Health magazine survey of 1,000 women concluded that women find a man's ass the third most attractive feature of the male physique.

As men, that's no surprise to us. For years we've been promptly and violently lambasted for stealing nary a yearning glance at your breasts, yet the minute we turn our backs your gluttonous eyes instantly microwave our asses into a couple of well-steamed, juicy Christmas hams. You couldn't be any more obvious had you spackled our buttocks with frosting and started gnawing on our nubile asshalves like a gerbil trapped inside a block of nutrient-rich cheese.

So typical of women these days- show her a nice ass and she has to go and start spawning like an Alaskan salmon. Harlots!

Yet for Tristan we must unfortunately qualify the true findings of the Men's Health survey: asses were also ranked upon style. High-ranking styles of ass included the arrogant yet steely "can crusher" ass, the rabid and unforgiving "oar snapper" ass, and the brutally ferocious "Thrustasaurus Wrecks."

Low ranking styles included the always drab "mossy picnic table" style of ass, the uninspiring "onion bag burdened with horseshoes" ass, and in last place, the girlish and pillowy "bitch ass."

Generally speaking Tristan, women find female ass characteristics on a male ass abhorrent; buoyant and marshmallow soft, your ass resembles the ever-fragrant and beefy toes of an elephant or other bog-based pachyderm. Yet perhaps even more striking is the remarkable chasm usurped by the seam of your ladypants. I don't know where you put your asshole, but if I find chapped orb of puckered skin shaped like an Apple Jack in the lint trap, I'll rehydrate it with corn oil and slide it under your pillow. If your cat starts choking, call a proctologist immediately.

Has Tristan started a new dating trend by modeling his ass on the internet bulletin boards? We don't know, but personally, WWHM isn't going to take dating advice from Tristan any more than we'd allow a sea otter to teach us how to drive a school bus.

Stay tuned.