The Scraper

I Would Love to Gently Shave You

Are you a sensual female who enjoys being pampered in a safe sensual way by a very loving attractive single male?

I would like to find a very nice female who would like to have her private area gently shaved. Many women either through busy careers or relationships have not had the chance to receive this type of attention. I will wash you, apply shaving cream slowly, then gently shave you while you have your legs spread on my shoulders. Hopefully you will find this to be arousing and a beautiful trusting experience.

I'm offering my love and my gentleness to you if you are in need of relaxation and pleasure to escape from life's stresses. I will help you rediscover your sensual self in a safe loving environment. I would love to explore with you, be close friends. My tender fingers guiding you to pleasure, releasing your most intimate desires. Gently touching the intimate areas of your beautiful body.

Antonio

Because nothing screams "a safe and trusting encounter" like handing a sharp razor to a complete stranger you meet on the internet.

Need an alternative? Put on some mutton panties and squat in a piranha tank.

Antonio scribes an impossibly creepy personal ad that virtually drowns in a pool of its own cheese. Sounding like a cross between an overzealous gynecologist after a six martini lunch and a story question in the appendix of A Dummies Guide to Spiritual Sexuality, Antonio soothingly wafts his way through a gag-worthy amalgamation of supportive buzzwords designed for a new-age couples counseling session. "I would love to explore with you, be close friends." No thanks Antonio, but for the record, your personal ad completely curdled my fresh glass of milk. And for that, I'd like to kick you right in your gentles.

It's as if Antonio actually believes that after a hard day at work, an endless string of errands, and a terrible commute home, a woman wants nothing more than to just kick off her shoes and have her vagina shaved. A soothing spa, a warm sauna, or a deep tissue massage? "No thanks," you might say, "to really relax, I just need to find a random individual online to come over and weedwhack my crotch hair."

Like most personal ads, I suspect Antonio formulated his genital shaving ideology from repeated exposure to hardcore porn flicks. As such, a woman couldn't possibly shave herself without finishing off the process with a frenzied and orgasmic masturbation session. Believe me, I used to watch my girlfriend shave herself in the shower all the time, and erotic is the last word I'd use to describe the process.

Paying no mind to the activity at hand, she often shaved her pussy in the same manner a chicken might furiously scratch its way through a pea patch, producing a grating sound similar to a cat entertaining a new set of drapes with his sharpened claws. Replicating my lawn-mowing technique when I was 10, she did just enough to complete the job and make it look like there was nothing out of the ordinary from a distance. But a closer look often revealed numerous flaws.

But if your idea of scintillating shaving session involves a registered hippie with a beard full of granola grains sculpting your vagina into the shape of a bird in flight, why not? You might even get some free scented hot rocks and a bag of "emotion" beads out of the deal.

Good luck in your venture Antonio, and might I suggest if you want some practice, try shaving your neighbors cat. If you think that thing squirms endlessly to get away from you, just imagine how much a real pussy will put up a fight.