Dirty Talk

***WARNING: NAUSEA INDUCING***

I will make you smile! - 52m

I am the only man that can truely make you cum and cum over and over again. sit on my face and fuck my mouth with your hole. Lay back as i will have you blowing your hole in no time. Next i continue toick you clean never giving you a rest as i banging on your clit like a punching bag (you might try to take a break and push away but I wont let you) and start inserting finger after finger into your soaked cuntwanting to suck on something else you suck me off to my first ejaculation exploding in your mouth. You tell me i taste good and i shoot on your face and chest as you rub my man juice into your skin like lotion. Later I turn my concentration back to you and plow your snatch til you cum again. Then ytou call me from work and tell me how Im the best and how wet i make your pussy and I will want to come lick your juicy snatch again.

Walter XXXXXX (XXX-XXX-XXXX )

As a young teen, I was lucky enough to serve my sexual internship with a woman far more sexually experienced than I was.

I'm not saying she was a slut, but to most guys her vagina was like Las Vegas. Going there sounded like a great idea at first, but you always felt bad about yourself when you left.

But I was 15 years old at the time, so I latched onto her vagina like a koala. She lay on her back patiently for a couple weeks, watching me blindly stab away at her uterus as if she had inadvertantly swallowed a small bird and I was trying to scare it out of her mouth. I hadn't a clue how to get her off however, though I tried valiantly with my vast arsenal of 15 year-old sex tricks, including my patented method of insecurely running my hand over her vagina as if attempting to locate a contact lens, followed by a round of oral sex that would have been more skillfully administered by a large-billed pond goose with cottonmouth.

Fortunately, while I was once again chipping away at her pelvis one day, she stopped me mid-coitus, pulled my face down close to hers, and whispered softly in my ear "Talk to me... ...I want you to talk to me."

Bewildered, I asked "About what?"

"Just talk to me," she said.

"Well, yesterday my mom made me change the oil in her car, and. .... ..."

"No," she said, "talk dirty to me. Tell me how much you love to fuck my hot pussy."

I wouldn't have been more shocked had she suddenly ground up my genitals and fed them to a caged bird.

I complied, but felt incredibly stupid because my poorly chosen "hot words" kept coming out of my mouth in the same tone an old farmer might use to explain the market price of cheese. "Oh," I said, as if explaining weather patterns, "you feel so good inside."

Much to my surprise, she had an almost immediate orgasm. Now, I'm not saying I was any good, because I wasn't. While I couldn't fuck my way out of a bowl of shrimp broth, it ends up she was simply one of those girls that could easily have an orgasm at the sight of a well-made chair, or proper bus change.

I spent the remainder of my high school years playing Wheel of Fortune during sex, trying to figure out which words girls liked, and which words caused them to literally have a seizure.

And I think Walter, whose horribly unfortunate personal ad we've posted today, needs to learn a few things about dirty talk. The point of dirty talk, of course, is to arouse a woman sexually. Walter only succeeds in arousing the remnants of a mildly pleasant mid-day lunch.

For example, I know if you're going to tell a woman you want to "plow her snatch," God help you if you're not standing in a Vietnamese rice paddy with a bag of seed and a trained mule. The only appropriate time to say "snatch" to a woman occurs when someone wearing a raincoat just drove off with her child in a brown van with a bubble window.

I know if you're going to say "cunt", you have about 2 seconds to either say "~inued", or pull out your British passport.

And I know if you're going to say "blowing your hole", you better be holding a pan flute and a driver's license identifying you as The Amazing Zamfir. In theory, you're planning on attracting a woman, not a migrating humpback whale.

If the brain is the largest sex organ, Walter is hung like a circumcised fruit fly. WWHM chooses to critique men's personal ads in order to showcase why women are so hostile sexually towards men sometimes, and if "banging your clit like a punching bag" doesn't sum it up, I don't know what would. While Walter's ultra-progressive logging-barge rhetoric might go over well with the boys after six lonely months at sea, Walter's reproductive grocery sack might soon suffer the brunt of such a descriptive beating, and I will happily sell season tickets and commemorative keychains to such an inspiring event.

Stick that in your hole, Walter.

Please post the worst thing a guy has ever said to you in bed in the comments.

I need a good laugh.