Two Pump Chump

Need Help

Hello, I was wondering if any ladies would help me, I have a really bad problem with premature ejaculation. i need a patient understanding woman to help me through my problem. This may take a couple weeks, but I'm hoping you may want to help me, it's very important as I 'd like to be able to resume a normal sex life in the future. I'm desperate! Please email John at XX@XX. Open to any size or age.

Ferdinand Magellan discovered the Phillipine Islands in 1521, and by 1526, he had dispatched four separate Spanish expeditions to construct a map of the islands, an effort lasting nearly 5 years and requiring the mapmaking skills of 67 different artisans.

My how technology changes things.

John here can shoot a map of the Phillipine Islands on your stomach in 5 seconds all by himself, and he doesn't even need a tide chart.

Alfred Kinsey conducted a study in 1950 which concluded that 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes of penetration in over half of their sexual encounters. Not only did this surprise the scientists, but it also left plenty of time for coffee breaks. Coffee breaks often spent in the lab laundry room, where the female lab participants often "finished the study" on top of a Whirlpool dryer stuck on heavy spin cycle. Oddly, the scientists usually only watched for two minutes. Christ, they're scientists, ok?

Unfortunately for sex scientists, they were only paid by the hour in 1950, so the average annual income of a scientist in 1950 was 98 cents. On the bright side these same scientists went on to develop vibrators, and now they live in gold mansions and wipe their asses with the blonde hair of unwanted Norwegian orphans.

Since Kinsey's study in 1950, specialists in premature ejaculation have determined "premature ejaculation" occurs when a man ejaculates within 1.5 minutes of penetration. In an unrelated study, they also determined it's a really stupid idea to go to a bar and tell chicks "I'm a specialist in premature ejaculation."

So, back to John. It should only take a couple weeks for you to help him cure his problem, but remember, that's approximately 20,160 minutes, or at least 10,080 ejaculations. So make sure you have plenty of towels, and if at all possible, a pair of diving flippers. It's also a great opportunity to pre-decorate the interior of the house for Christmas.

And for John, might I recommend a numbing condom? It's a condom designed to numb your penis so you feel absolutely no sensation at all during penetration. So it's basically like fucking Lindsay Lohan, minus the freckles. Just make sure she doesn't blow you after you wear the condom, because when she comes up, she'll sound kind of like a deaf person trying to give you directions to the Museum of Modern Art.

So What Is It Already?

HUGE tits wanted

I am looking for a woman in the XXXXXX area that has HUGE tits for me to play with. I am OK with not having sex if you don't want to, but would love to get down and dirty with your HUGE tits. I can make our meeting worth your while, I will make sure that if we are having some real fun, you WILL cum. I would like your HUGE tits to be DD at SMALLEST. I don't care about age, race, weight, or if they are real or fake.

Boobies.

Scientists have yet to discover their mystical powers over men, primarily because every time a female lab participant drops her blouse, rivers of free-flowing drool smudge all relevant testing data.

So what is it ladies?

How does a pair of small, pouty breasts beckoning to bounce out of a light cotton sundress like a sprightly young bunny jumping over a newborn fawn cause our brains to function like fucking unscrambled hotel porn?

What fucking swan song do breasts sing that turns the most heinous axe murderers into innocent, playful kittens that lie on their backs and giggle like a pack of youthful, thrice-tickled hyenas?

How is it that a woman can simply walk past a Boy Scout troop in a loose tank top and instantly create enough wood to build a fleet of whaling canoes?

Why has cupping a young woman's firm, supple breast instantly saturated more pairs of teenage boxer shorts than Kenmore and Whirlpool combined?

These are the goddamn questions and men seek answers!

Oh yeah, the blog. Um.... I think there was a personal ad somewhere up there. I forget what it was about.

Where am I?

(Editors Note: Bwalhhweahhla gufdsibbe waleha)

A Matter of Opinion

Ladies please read I need your opinion

Ladies only! I am a straight guy in every way except I have a little lingerie fetish. I need to know from the girls here if you think these photos are hot or not? No or yes to showing my cock in the photos? Too short? Too fat? Leave the lingerie to the girls? I want your opinion. If you live in Phoenix, send me an email at tomd@XXXXXXX.XXX.

If a male snail trail gracefully teasing its way into a pair of Costco Seniors super-absorbent lingerie doesn't motivate your ovaries to spray eggs like a hen getting crushed by a steamroller, then I'm afraid Tom's fetish might be a little out of your league.

Webster's defines "fetish" as an object of fixation psychologically necessary for sexual gratification. While I can't determine whether Tom's fetish involves the silky love cape draping from his shoulders, or the delicate hosiery he hath stuffed like so many turkey-based sausage casings, I can determine that if any of us were to list our own fetishes, few of us would list "Tom".

I personally don't have a problem with fetishes, but dropping your swim team directly into the pungent stronghold of musty afterthoughts created by Grandma's most recent romance novel session just seems a little obscure to me.

But then again, that's coming from a guy who likes to have a baboon in a magenta leotard ride a unicycle around the bedroom playing instrumental versions of Journey hits on a military bugle. My girlfriend doesn't mind, but the baboon seems confused, and sometimes throws his feces at my strobe lights.

Tom, men are turned on by women in lingerie because men find themselves sexually stimulated via visual cues. Women on the other hand do not rely on visual cues for arousal, but often find themselves more sexually stimulated by what's going on in your mind. Which unfortunately, in your case, is whether or not women feel you should free your anteater snout from the oxygen-starved confines of a sumo-wrestlers work pouch.

You can put lingerie on a man, and you can put a cute little summer hat on a donkey. Both might spice things up for a moment, but in the end, you still just have an ass that no women will want to ride.