Thursday, January 1, 2009

Have At Him Ladies

As posted by Anastasia in the comments, and way too good for WWHM to pass up. Thanks Anastasia!

Courtesy of Something Awful.

"We can consider my admiring your naked body to be my payment for services rendered."


Biskuits said...

I saw the tongues and could go no further; this guy's webpage does not agree with my hangover. XD

colorisnteverything said...

Oh wow. He looks like the janitor who hangs around the Civic Auditorium, owns a beer hat, and painted his truck to look like a NASCAR racer. Yeah, he's special alright.

If anyone actually replies to this man, oh my!

Anonymous said...

Hell YES 1996 web design! Woo!

Anonymous said...

I think this guy is

Weasel said...

Oh, he's serious.

This isn't the first time I've come across websites like this.

Irish Chicken Soup said...

Thanks I needed that.

*falls out of chair laughing*

Lynda said...

Yeah but hey he's not a bad guy...

Collections: Transformers (the toys), Swords & Medieval weaponry (temporarily out of my possession)and why are they out of his possession??

Misdemeanors: 2 Possession of Marijuana, 2 Speeding Tickets

Felonies: 2 Complicity to Armed Robbery (Oh maybe this is why....)


Anonymous said...


the Constantly Dramatic One said...

God, this is the most absurd thing ever...

Drrn. said...

He looks like Kid Rock.

robyn said...

So one of his nicknames is "God," eh?


Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

I'll betcha his Goat-ee smells like real goats, or at least goat cheese. (I'm sorry for that. But I don't take it back)

Hyena Overlord said...

Well that's about the funniest thing I've seen all week. However, my uncharted waters ("At one time I was a dedicated and Initiated Wiccan Priest in the Coven of Uncharted Waters.) will remain uncharted.

Yes, he looks like Kid Rock. Cowboi bayyybee. Not. His only piercing is his tongue. His fingertips should be pierced and dumbelled together so he can't type anymore crappy ads.

I don't have a hangover.

Anonymous said...

I agree with the fact that this does not mix well with a hangover. UGH the tongues!!!!! barf!

Gina said...

Should I contact his webmaster? I'm unable to find the page that links to the scores of testimonials from satisfied women...

Jane said...

Oh my god, he goes by "George," "Vampire Lord" or... get this... GOD!!!! ROTFL!

Jane said...

Tattoos: 1--Chest-Burning Sigil of Baphomet ..... WTF?

Claire said...

How awful...

lamexicanita86 said...

Let's see...he's a Satanist, a pervert, a bum, a felon, and self-admittedly out of shape. Let me think about that for a while. I'll get back to you when I stop gagging.

CaliGirl9 said...

I wonder if he's seen that episode of "South Park" where the goth kids are pissed off that people are confusing the goth kids with the vampire kids, 'cause you can't be both. Vampires shop at Hot Topic.

If "South Park" says so, it must be true.

horseys4me said...

"Always gotta keep the kitties happy" - with dancing cats at the top. I think ima puke... Nobody will be going down on me in the near future those damn tongues have ruined me!!


ok after initial gag reflex its so sad its funny...still nauseous though.

Anonymous said...

bahaha go to his myspace! He is "out of the halfway house now" WTF?

Mari said...


I thought I would include this link in my comment:

Hopefully it works, but I could spot at LEAST two mistakes straight off.

Anonymous said...

The tongues... The dancing kitties... the rap sheet combined with the bragging about his exceptional IQ and his 'standards'.

Boy, oh boy. This sure is a quality someone I'd want to spend my time with. Ugh.


Anastasia said...

I personally liked the application area. You have to tell him your religion to get "free face".

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

As always, I am amazed at the mistaken male belief that oral sex is the #1 thing we are looking for from a man. From everything I have ever heard, women are much better at it, so if it's your top priority, you are probably already a lesbian!

*shakes head in wonder*

Yeah. He's a winner. You get free oral, he gets a free place to sleep at night. $10 says he's homeless or couch-surfing.

emrlddragon said...

The animated tongues are creepy!

Calantha said...

Wow he may look like Kid Rock, but at least he looks relatively harmless. Too bad the police record proves otherwise. I'm sure the swords and stuff are no longer with him because they were part of the armed robbery.

He got one thing right, though. Different stroke for different women. Shame that grain of sense is lost in a pile of shit.

Pilar said...

You know... when he hears women say "Oh. My. God" I somehow don't think they are addressing him...

sweettc said...

oh my goodness I totally missed the conviction part I skimmed that page and just skipped it. I went to his myspace page. OMG I happen to agree I think he is confused when a woman says OH MY GOD she is not calling him God. I wonder who should tell him what it means.....

MomofthePolka-DotPony said...

I'm not sure weather to laugh or puke.... the danging tonge animations were really too much for my little brain to take.

Canoncowgirl said...

Something awful is right!

"I am an Ordained Minister of the Universal Life Church.I can legally marry and baptize people in 48 states." I love that thats part of his "credentials". I am an ordained minister of the Universal Life are 20 million other people (seriously!). You go to their website and put your name in a form and TADA! You're ordained!

Lol at the comments I found on Reddit while trying to find out what the hell a Burning Sigil of Baphomet is.

Walk On said...

On the upside, he's honest.

(Seriously, like, with that resume' what the hell could he be hiding?!)

lynettepleasant said...

I gotta give props for him being honest! At least he isn't rude or delusional. But why put your felonies/misdemeanors on your website?

I think what he should do is pick up chicks at the bar, take them home and go down on them and not ask anything in return, and then disappear. That would be truly doing women a service.

Perla said...

Kang. Baby. Jeebus.

Does this bloke really think he'll get takers?

schammieschammie said...

I just don't know why there's not a plethora of women standing in line for this one! What a CATCH! I mean, why should a woman settle when she can have this?????

I can't muster up any more sarcasm than that through the whole body shudders...

The tongue animated things freaked me completely out. EWWWWWWWWWW. YUCK!!!!

GREAT find tho!!

Anonymous said...

Wow, he actually has comments in his guestbook! Wtf, where are these women and what are they on??

I especially like the comment from a woman who apparently knows him personally and is pregnant. She "doesn't want the baby to know mommy likes being licked." ewwww

Lindsay said...

Has anyone else checked out the guest book?

The tongues... yuck.

Anonymous said...

Gawwk! Phlfeck!
That's the sound of a him spitting up a hairball.....

clara said...

gross i opened the website and the first thing i see is the "oral services" and i couldn't go any further

Weasel said...

Comment left on website says:

She "doesn't want the baby to know mommy likes being licked."


He had to have written those himself.

The Barn Bitch said...

The waggling tongues stopped me in my tracks and I couldn't go any further.


Emily Katherine said...

This is why I like girls.

God, we missed you, Weas!!

Sandra D said...

He wants to know of you want:

Just the tongue, thanks
Tongue and hands
Pop Rocks
Finger placement
Ice cubes

WTFF?? The only thing in his favour is that there's no mention of humming the alphabet.

Gill said...

I think you're all being unfair, one of the services he offers is math tutoring, he's obviously a boon to society. And he has some ace friends on myspace.

Karmyn said...

That is some seriously scary shit. Does he actually think that women will flock to him? My legs just snapped closed, thank you very much.
Oh, and in some demoniations anybody who has been baptized can baptize another person. Works for when someone is dying and the minister can't get there in time or situations like that.

shane said...

Okay so the guy is a bit out of touch, but like several folks noted at least he's honest, that has to stand for something right? If you compare him to the guy posted right before him (the self proclaimed selfish prick- who used a form letter) "God" might be the best choice for you ladies out there- that is if those two idiots were the only two males left on the planet.

Weasel said...

I do give the guy credit for having the balls to post something like that. But that's the only thing I give him credit for. He couldn't have possibly created a less appealing website if he tried.

It's going to make away around the internet, and you know he gets boatloads of abuse and hatemail, but the website remains.

He's obviously a man who truly doesn't care what anyone thinks about him.

Either that or he's goddamn crazy.

Ophelia said...

So...he's a felon, underweight, hooked on online IQ tests and obsessed with oral sex (note that he mentions nothing of intercourse; is mister winkie on the blinkie?).

I can hear the thunder of footsteps as girls flock to Louisville.

drivebyknitting said...

Can you believe it? I've actually met this guy at a friend's Halloween party this year. Totally creepy guy.

Here's a pic of him dressed as Satan.

Weasel said...

Nice find Driveby- thats amazing.

Anonymous said...

His "Application" asks: "Do you like any of these other things used on you or done while you are receiving oral?" Here are the choices:

Just the tongue
Tongue and hands
Finger placement
Ice cubes

(OK, seems pretty standard so far...)


(Hmm, well I know Altoids blowjobs were all the rage a few years go, so I guess maybe it might make sense for women too...)

Pop Rocks

(OK, going down on a woman with an altoid in your mouth is one thing, but is he guy actually suggesting that a woman might enjoy having a bag of Pop Rocks poured inside of her? Surely it can't get any worse than this. Oh wait! Spoke too soon because...)

Alka Seltzer

(**Picturing Mr. Face clamping jumper cables to his first "client"**)

Nikola Đorđević said...

Those tongues are epic.

cattypex said...

OMG it's a young, redneck Steve Buscemi!!!!

cattypex said...

Why do guys think that women want to be shlurped on for hours on end???? Goes right along with their penis fixation I guess.....

It just dries me out while I'm waiting for something FUN to happen.

Anonymous said...

"You’ll never figure out the maze that is my mind! "

that was my favorite part.
let ME take a stab in the dark. chicks just aren't impressed with your vampire role-playing games and you've gotten so desperate that you've gone right for the "no woman can turn down oral" myth?
nah, you're right. too complex for me. i'll never figure you out.

CaliGirl9 said...

D-Listed has this tool featured today. He's today's "Hot Slut of the Day!"

Sweet said...

I am deeply disturbed.

Julie said...

"Religions that Employ the use of Magick"


DothNotWisdomCryOut said...

Is this a project for HTML 101? It's similar in design to a website I made in 7th grade.

Hanna said...

Those tongues will haunt me in my sleep.. :/

WinterMusic said...

Oh. Oh my god. I think that page has scarred me for life. Sadly, it's creepers like this (well, usually not QUITE this bad) who contribute to some of the stigmas against paths like Wicca and Satanism...regardless, EWWWWW.

Anonymous said...

Dude, Dreamweaver. That. Is. All.

Bet he's a metalhead and lives with his Mom.

Sara Bellum said...

Uhm. Wow. This guy is a piece of work. He took his criminal record down, by the way. Probably figured out that posting that you're a convicted felon wasn't bringing in the ladies. Yikes.

Someone should tell this guy that HTML has advanced since he first got out of jail. Front Page is cheap.

taaminara said...

In the Terms:

"You must be a woman of legal age to utilize this service. I am not going to do anything illegal. This is to ensure that I will be able to keep this site active for as long as possible."

Not "I don't want to add statutory rape to my rap sheet" or "because it's wrong" - but to ensure the website can remain online. "For as long as possible" ??? If you're not doing anything illegal, the only other factor concerning website-longevity I can think of would be the cost of a domain name and hosting (and this looks pretty low-rent. I'm gonna hazard a guess at $30 *a year*, tops, since he's clearly not paying a web designer). If you're concerned about your ability to cough up 30bucks within a 12-month timeframe, you have bigger problems than not being able to get laid.

Morgan said...

I clicked. I read. My face now resembles Munch's "The Scream." Thanks, bro.

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talking said...

The tongues are apparently from a website built by colombian school children:
I'm not sure where it's creepier.
I think the text translates as "so that we can communicate with each other better" so maybe that's his goal here.
Am I fashionably late? Is it ok to show up at the party after everyone's gone home?

Anonymous said...

WTF? Anyone who shows up to have her "kitty" licked by a sword-wielding felon with Satanic symbols burned into his chest would clearly prefer existence as a skin suit. I'll have vertebrae removed so I can lick my own before I ever go near this freak!

Anonymous said...

To add to everyone's joy, this bozo is taking a pic in front of Jefferson Community College in Louisville, KY. How would I know, I'm from Louisville. This is what I have to pick from.

I know, mourn for me. There are some SLIM PICKINGS here.

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