Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Selfish. And Far From Creative.

I know what I want -

I'm a selfish prick. I'm a hot, rich, pampered intellectual with a big dick and a marathon tongue. I'm young enough to do it often, and old enough to do it right. I don't have time for emotional hysterics or petty drama. I do what I want, when I want. Respond with a pic.

Ah, yes waiter. I'm ready to order.

I'd like start to start by ordering two gerbil-sized testicles, and a miniature frankfurter. And please, can you dump a gallon of false male bravado over the top of those to obscure their size? Thanks. Oh, yes, and to drink, I'll have a huge glass of Insecura Tea.

False advertising. The bread and butter of men's personal ads. Only the bread is moldy and pecked by oily crows, and the butter expired last month.

What's promised?

A sexual dynamo promising to pound hail dents into your fallopian tubes until your health insurance triples.

A young, skilled bedroom artisan capable of spurring even the most conservative Baptist nun to scream "Fuck my ass Ponyboy!" during a pudding break at the senior center.

A man single-handedly capable of mustering up the sexual euphoria only thought possible during a five-way involving you, a young Brad Pitt glistening with lip moistener, and David Beckham wielding two shiny vibrating Rabbits, 24 fresh D batteries, and a really bad attitude.

What do you actually get?

An insecure pantywaist who shoots his swimmers faster than the coach of the Iraqi Olympic butterfly relay team after a loss.

A sexual tourist that has to stop and ask directions from you every two minutes, and still manages to run out of gas before you reach your destination.

A naive, bumbling carnival employee who couldn't find a way to put his dick through the St.Louis Arch without repeatedly stabbing the legs, and even if he does, to you it feels like someone just threw a hotdog down the hallway at the Bellagio.

How do I know this is a bait-n-switch?

Because this is a fucking form letter. He didn't write it, it was mass-produced. Just like the form letter the city sends me every time I plead guilty to indecent exposure. Please tell me I didn't just say that out loud.

Yes, it's a form letter, or a form personal if you will. I've sourced it here. Used by the "pick-up artist" community for years, it's now making the rounds on internet bulletin boards. The PUA community deems this ad as "the most effective personal ad available for men."

Because lord knows if they said something completely original- like the truth for example- they probably couldn't get their fucking dicks moist in a zero-visibility Nova Scotian fog bank.

Why do I reveal this secret?

Because I'm a selfish prick. A hot, rich, pampered intellectual.........

56 comments:

Kokorami said...

Of course that pic is probably snagged from somewhere, too...Oo, am I first? I can't believe nobody's jumped on this (pardon the pun). I nearly peed, and this time it's not only your fault though the Bellagio comment had me sobbing w/laughter: my ITunes Shuffle had Judas Priest's "Another Thing Coming" on just as I read this!
I might be laughing, if he weren't PATHETIC enough to believe he'll actually get anywhere w/a normal human female after _this_ drivel...You've got ANOTHER THING COMING!
...and it won't be you, little boy.

K Darling said...

"...shoots his swimmers faster than the coach of the Iraqi Olympic butterfly relay team after a loss"

I actually had to think about that one for a second. Nice!

Weasel said...

Yeah, I go overboard on the analogies don't I?

Felt like working tonight, so
more posts coming up for the morning.

Will post late tonight!

Nosnikta said...

LOVE the smiley face (snort!) Perfect.

*Amber* said...

As if the ad weren't bad enough had it been authentic, he couldn't even come up with his own "spoiled prick" verbiage?!?!

Nice catch Weasel, but please tell me you read "The Game" as sheer entertainment of what not to do. ;)

Sistah said...

Weasel,

What is the 1972 in the bottom left corner of this guy's pic? Is it the year he was born?

CutNJump said...

>>A naive, bumbling carnival employee who couldn't find a way to put his dick through the St.Louis Arch without repeatedly stabbing the legs, and even if he does, to you it feels like someone just threw a hotdog down the hallway at the Bellagio.<<


Duuuuuude! I totaly snorked, spewed and choked on my glass of Ginger Ale... I know better than to read while consuming anything, but the hot dog/Bellagio comment did me in.

That is hys-fucking-terical! Pure GOLD there.

(Making things worse- I know the company that supplied the nozzles for the fountain and the Lion for the MGM.)

Weasel said...

Sistah, yeah I caught that 1972- WTF I don't know.

I have read The Game- great book, but every time we see the PUA's in action- and it's ALL the time now, we'll point it out to the "targets".

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Duuuuuude! I totaly snorked, spewed and choked on my glass of Ginger Ale... I know better than to read while consuming anything, but the hot dog/Bellagio comment did me in.<<

Me too. I am dying here!

*sigh* OT: I miss the Bellagio. Unfortunately I don't miss the guy who had the money to finance my stays there...isn't that always the way it works? It's like a scientific principle - financial generosity and sex appeal are always in inverse proportion to each other. Always. I swear. Which is how we know this ad is fake!

P.S. Guys? You know that shit about how to pick up women and control women that y'all write on the Internet? We can read that too. There is not some special HTML code embedded in the page that redirects traffic from female-operated computers over to Oprah's site.

Weasel said...

Fortunately, ALL the girls I know have the PUA shit down better than the guys do.

CutNJump said...

Weasel isn't that always the way?

Seriously, I can name a few of the 'player' types and can spot them a mile off. Usually before they even get within range of seeing me and going into the-

"Ooooh! Ooooh! A redhead! Hurry, puff the chest, suck in the gut, check the do in the nearest reflective object and start strutting..." motions.

Yep, we are well onto the whole game.

Similar to horse people and "the ones who are the most wrong, scream the loudest when caught"

with guys-

"the ones who brag about the best or the most, are the ones going home with no more than a bottle of hand lotion from the dollar store and their imagination"

Lynda said...

Hey no pick lines really work on me... if a guy wants to pick me up he just better come on over and start working on the fencing for my horses which seems to be a task that never ends.... Just this afternoon I found my 3 year old Paint mare a third of the way up the stairs to my deck... I havent quite figured out how she got over there... maybe she flew... just dont know... but helping me in the barn (ok so I only have 2 horses here and a mini... takes me forever with a full time job too) LOL The best pick up is someone picking up poo and emptying my wheel barrow when its full!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>Just this afternoon I found my 3 year old Paint mare a third of the way up the stairs to my deck... I havent quite figured out how she got over there... maybe she flew... just dont know<<

ROTFL!

The other morning, I found my roommate's mare in my pasture with my 2 mares. They weren't thrilled. No fence was down. We think she hit it running and flipped herself over it.

Nosnikta said...

Not the safest, nor the brightest, but fun regardless... I changed my profile pic to show me riding our Arab-x pony down the steps of our deck. He got up there.. he can carry me back down!

Weasel related? Um... can't think of one dang thing lol.

Lizzi said...

I know what that "1972" is -- it means someone doesn't know how to set the date on his digital camera.

CutNJump said...

Maybe 1972 was when the pic and the form letter met.

MinxyQ said...

lol..I love this one...very nicely done.

Walk On said...

"Insecura Tea"....PRICELESS!

Ok, so....you place an ad saying you're rich and you just want sex. Does anyone who *isn't* a hooker respond?

I can not believe this was actually the "most successful" ad that anyone came up with, unless that means it got one response when all their other attempts got zip.

And I really don't think the picture is all that. Here's a hint guys - YOU are visual, YOU are turned on by pictures. Women are not visual, we are turned on by far more complex things.

Like proper grammar. An IQ larger than your shoe size. The ability to understand belching is not "complementing the cook"... stuff like that. If you feel the need to tell us how big your cock is, you do NOT have what it takes to keep a woman. Seriously, we can buy bigger that stays hard forever.

Nosnikta said...

"Bob".... Battery Operated Boyfriend :-)

He never sasses, he's always ready, and he doesn't bug you when you're done.

I love Bob. :-D

Pilar said...

Oh God, how very unattractive.

Nick said...

This keeps getting better than better.

This guy really took a page out of the book of Christian Bale's character in "American Psycho." It's a shame Hollywood passed him up for the lead role in that movie - he wouldn't even have to act!

Thanks for the bump on "Buffalo This" by the way.

wheelin126 said...

That's as bad as that idiot that someone posted on FHOTD showing a skinny white horse and 2 other shots of how great it looked now but they were all different horses you could google...LOL what a brainless twit!!! He wouldn't know what an original thought was if it kicked him in his hairy marble bag and yelled it at him. Pretty sure his his fucking skills are as lame as he is.

anniebanannie said...

Weasel you are the best. I haven't laughed this much in days. Luckily, I was not partaking of beverages, but I do need to remember to use the bathroom prior to reading your prose... hmmm... is it prose?

Anyway, good work.

Snoopsincharge said...

Hahaha, what a fake!

CutNJump said...

I just gotta add this Weasel.

Hubby and I were eating out at a buffet restaraunt over the weekend.

The comment about the Carny stabbing the legs of the St. Louis arch and throwing a hot dog down the hallway of the Bellagio came to mind.

From totally out of the blue.

I started laughing & snorking my food. I couldn't help it. I almost choked.

Hubby had a puzzled look and asked what was so damned funny?

I tried to explain it... He doesn't read the blog and didn't exactly get it.

I'm still laughing over that one.

Thanks Weasel.

Thanks a lot!

Mel said...

His tounge runs marathons? Wow, talented little thing. Wonder if he does cross country events and high school fun runs as well.

Jeff said...

No hate for WOMEN for being attracted to that kind of ad? Instead, women who are attracted to that kind of ad hate men who say it without being able to back it up?

If women weren't so difficult, men wouldn't resort to such tactics. It's in your hands, ladies.

Rhonda said...

Jeff- Some women do fall for this, but not many. In fact, it's in *yopur* hands, gentlemen...

the_slashy said...

Bleh. Personally, he lost me at selfish prick.

Mr Rabbit said...

Wow great body, I too changed my profile picture just in case ;-)

Anonymous said...

I'm a engineering gal. The logic of this ad evades me. If he's rich and pampered why the eff is he on a dating site? Just set up a mistress or several of them in furnished luxury apartments. =)

Anonymous said...

Hmm.. I've thought about this quiet much..... and I agree with you to some degree.
frokostordning

Marc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Nothing is impossible!

-----------------------------------

Anonymous said...

A man is not old as long as he is seeking something. A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.

-----------------------------------

Anonymous said...

Αωesome issueѕ here. I am vеry ѕаtiѕfiеd
to ѕee your pоѕt. Thаnks so muсh
and I'm looking forward to contact you. Will you kindly drop me a mail?
My web blog loans for bad credit

Anonymous said...

I don't even understand how I finished up here, but I assumed this post used to be good. I do not understand who you might be however definitely you'rе going to a
famous blogger if you aren't already. Cheers!
My blog ... 12 month loans for bad credit

Anonymous said...

Theѕе агe genuіnely іmpresѕive іdeas in сonсeгning blogging.
You havе touched sοme faѕtiԁiоus things hеre.

Аny wаy kеep uρ ωrinting.
Here is my web-site loans for bad credit

Anonymous said...

Informаtіve article, еxactly whаt I
ωas loοking foг.

Fеel fгee to visit my weblоg: instant cash
Also visit my blog ... instant cash

Anonymous said...

Theѕe агe rеally wonderful
іdеas in оn the toρiс of blogging.

Yοu hаve tοuchеԁ ѕomе faѕtiԁious thіngs hеre.

Anу wаy κеep up wrintіng.


my web-ѕіte ... guaranteed payday loans
my webpage > guaranteed payday loans

Anonymous said...

http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/http://www.shannonsloans.co.uk/Ι ωas suggeѕtеd this web sіtе by
my cоusіn. I'm not sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such detailed about my problem. You are incredible! Thanks!

Feel free to visit my weblog same day payday loans
My web page: %anchor_text%

Anonymous said...

Ϻy гelativеs аlωaуs say that I
am κilling mу time herе аt net, but I κnoω I am getting κnowlеdge daily by геaԁing suсh
pleaѕant contеnt.

Аlso vіsit my ωeb blog ... bad credit loans
Also see my website > bad credit loans

Anonymous said...

Sіmply desiгe to say уour article is аs amazing.
The clаrity for your post is simply cool and і can assume you're an expert in this subject. Fine along with your permission allow me to clutch your RSS feed to keep up to date with impending post. Thanks one million and please keep up the rewarding work.

Here is my page :: quick cash loans

Anonymous said...

http://www.cafb29b24.org/docs/buyativan/#91634 ativan and alcohol consumption - ativan high cortisol

Anonymous said...

Hаvе you ever consiԁеred about including a little bit more than јuѕt yοur articlеs?
I mean, what уou sаy is fundamental and аll.
Neνertheless think аbοut іf you adԁed some great visuаls οr video
clipѕ tο give your pоѕts more,
"pop"! Your content іs excellent but with pics and clips,
this blog could definitelу be οne of the most benеficial in
itѕ fіeld. Good blоg!

my ωeb page :: payday loans

Anonymous said...

buy valium where to buy valium in australia - where to buy valium online no prescription

Anonymous said...

It is in point of faсt а grеаt and helρful pіece of infогmatіon.

I'm happy that you just shared this useful info with us. Please keep us up to date like this. Thank you for sharing.

my site; payday loans online

Anonymous said...

I think the admin of thiѕ site iѕ in faсt working hаrd fοr his web ρage, since heгe eѵеrу datа is quality baѕed infοrmatiоn.



Here іs my weblog payday

Anonymous said...

Veгy good information. Luсκy
mе І rаn across your website by accidеnt (stumbleupon).
I've saved as a favorite for later!

My page instant payday loans
my webpage > instant payday loans

Anonymous said...

Hellо! Ι simply want to gіve you a bіg thumbs up fοr your eхсellеnt info уou haνе rіght
here οn this post. I will bе сoming
bacκ to yοuг web sіtе
for more soon.

my wеbрage - short term loans

Anonymous said...

I'm gone to convey my little brother, that he should also pay a quick visit this blog on regular basis to take updated from latest news update.

my weblog ... short term payday loans - lewissloans.co.uk

Anonymous said...

Woω, suρerb blog layout! Hοω long havе you
bеen bloggіng for? you made blοgging look еasy.
Thе overall look of yοuг website is wonԁerful, as well as the сontent!


Here is mу blog post payday loans

Anonymous said...

Wow, awesοme blog laуout! How long hаve you been blοgging fοr?
yоu make blogging lοok easу.
Thе ovеrall look of your sіte is fаntastiс, lеt alοne the сοntent!


Ηere іs my web sіte - payday loans

Anonymous said...

http://www.achildsplace.org/banners/tramadolonline/#6800 order tramadol online cod - buy discount tramadol

Anonymous said...

Spot on with this write-up, I honeѕtly feеl this
аmazing sіte neеԁs а great deаl morе attеntion.
I'll probably be back again to read through more, thanks for the advice!

Here is my web blog; New Bingo Sites

Anonymous said...

Hello Therе. І discovereԁ your wеblog the use оf msn.
Thаt is а vеry neatly written artіcle.

I'll be sure to bookmark it and return to read more of your useful info. Thanks for the post. I will certainly comeback.

Feel free to surf to my blog post - payday loans