Fake Assholes Finish Last

How long has it been since some1 has done somethin 4 your imagination?

I'm a selfish prick. A hot, well known, pampered intellectual with a big dick and a marathon tongue. I'm young enough to do it often and old enough to do it right. I don't have time for petty drama or emotional hysterics. I do what I want, when I want.

Only contact me if you have the following qualities...

-a good imagination
-intuition
-intelligence
-good instincts

I'm picky and deserve to be. There is nothing wrong with having standards. I place very little emphasis on what people think of me. I don't care. I am exactly who I want to be. I will tell you exactly what I want to tell you, when I want to say it. Contact me and tell me how you feel about rollercoasters. Paul

Ladies and gentlemen, I am a man of meager means.

Born with the ass of an elderly pilgrim woman, my buttocks continue to resonate with all the juicy sparkle and playful charisma of a post-bulimic beach clam. I have been told I possess all the vibrant personality of dried wall spackle, and my penis resembles something a weight-conscious hummingbird might classify as a whimsical yet breezy snack item.

Of mice and men, I am the mouse, frequently squeaking for a tiny scrap of female cheese. I am the guy you see getting donkey-punched by a Girl Scout in broad daylight, crying out for my mother and curling into the fetal position around my Miley Cyrus lunchpail. I am the man that leaks sixteen different fluids at the hiss of a white kitten adorned with daisies, and a man who hasn't seen pussy in so long I'd probably try to catch it with a folded newspaper and release it into the forest.

So who am I to judge personal ads you ask? I may resemble a loose amalgamation of wind-blown maypole ribbons when I skip down the street like a retarded flamingo on ecstasy, but I am indeed a wise man. A man wise enough to know I shouldn't ever try to pretend I'm someone I'm not, because I'd rather continue to be wise than begin to look stupid.

Which brings us to Paul's personal ad. How'd you feel about it after you first read it? Does it look familiar? It's supposed to hit women in the face like a frying pan, but in a good way. You've seen it before here on WWHM, and I've previously sourced it to this guy (on the left column). These fucking ads are all over the internet, all starting with a variation of "I'm a selfish prick."

It was specifically designed by world-reknowned “pick-up” artists to arouse a woman's sub-conscious and innate attraction towards a dominant man, and it's supposed to be the most successful online personal ad available. Let's break it down by sections and see how it works in theory:

How long has it been since someone has done something for your imagination?
This is designed to open your mind for the ad you're about to read.

I'm a selfish prick. A hot, well known, pampered intellectual with a big dick and a marathon tongue. I'm young enough to do it often, and old enough to do it right.
Shows dominance, leadership and sexual vitality / prowess.

I don't have time for petty drama or emotional hysterics. I do what I want, when I want.
Dominance.

Only contact me if you have the following qualities: (dominance)

A good imagination, intuition, intelligence and good instincts.
This is the same verbal trickery psychics use. Everyone thinks “Oh, that describes me!”, but it actually applies to anyone that reads it. It excludes no one. Except people smart enough to realize they're being had.

I'm picky and deserve to be. There is nothing wrong with having standards. I place very little emphasis on what people think of me. I don't care. I am exactly who I want to be. I will tell you exactly what I want to tell you, when I want to say it.
Dominance and leadership.

Contact me and tell me how you feel about rollercoasters.
In order to write about rollercoasters, you need to think about riding a rollercoaster. When you think about riding a rollercoaster, you tend to get an adrenaline rush and a feeling of exhilaration. Since you are writing to him, you will sub-consciously associate and apply those feelings to him. So in theory, you will see him as an exciting, exhilarating person. In theory.

Great job Paul! So let's rehash:

You're an unimaginative prick. You're neither hot, intellectual, nor well-known, but perhaps you might wear Pampers. Your cock resembles an apple stem, and your “marathon tongue” couldn't wheeze it's way across a fucking Topeka airport gate. But like a marathon, it's probably runny.

You “don't care what people think of you”, yet you're too much of a coward to admit who you really are, and you're “exactly who you want to be,” which apparently is someone else other than yourself. Next time women need a morning-after pill, I'm going to send them your personal ad. You make female ovaries seal up like a submarine hatch.

Now get over here and install my garage door opener. You're two hours late, you pampered intellectual.

WWHM readers, if you come across any more of these cheesy ads, respond to them stating you know it's a "form personal" and then send me the ad and the response.

Enjoy this entry while it's posted, because I'm aware that the author (to whom I applied the fake name "Paul") knows about WWHM and will probably find his ad. If he instructs me to take it down I have to per WWHM rules. But I will post his email requesting I take it down.

Happy New Years WWHM'ers and welcome back!

(Ed note: Though I despise the now-patheticly overdone "pick-up artist" community and their increasingly worn-out, market-saturated methodologies, I strongly recommend Neil Strauss' book "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists." Yes, he's a leader of the PUA community, but he's also an incredible writer, and the book provides a fascinating look at how men try to beat women at their own game. And how they succeed without you ever knowing what hit you. You'll learn something about yourself, male or female.)