The Vagina Whisperer

Do you own a stubborn, shy, finicky or easily spooked vagina?

I am The Vagina Whisperer, a vagina virtuoso with over twenty years under my belt of coaxing deep, fulfilling orgasms out of perturbed, unfulfilled and inexperienced vaginas. A skilled artisan, I have soothed angst ridden vaginas, and coaxed into deep, florid orgasm some of the most determined and obstinate vaginas that ever graced the earth.

Bring me your weary, mishandled or neglected vagina. Permit me to nurse coddle and cajole it back into its original form and glory. Don't you miss the days when your vagina had repeated daily use? Remember when it was toned, and moist and ready to ride at a moment's notice? Vaginas are mankind's greatest treasure. Don't let yours go to waste! TomE

A “horse whisperer” utilizes various methods of modern equine psychology to train and rehabilitate disturbed horses. Tom "The Vagina Whisperer" meekly attempts to correlate this horse-healing ideology to women, not realizing that a vagina isn't going to dance around like a little circus monkey for a sugar cube. Believe me Tom, if it only took sugar to open a woman's legs I'd bathe myself in waffle syrup and dress in a nougat suit.

Horses and vaginas are completely different creatures Tom, so don't compare the two. One is an animal in and of itself; it has its own feelings, moods and desires. Although sometimes it relishes human interaction and affection and enjoys getting saddled up for a great ride, we must remember at heart it's just a wild animal. The other one lives in a barn.

Tom takes the worst possible approach to attract a woman; he treats your vagina as though it were some sort of troubled autonomous nation-state with a self-esteem problem. The vagina isn't the problem Tom; the problem is the endless line of impotent, inexperienced assclowns that think spending 10 minutes with a thesaurus and some nifty word trickery will get them a day pass into the Ovarian Institute. Pussy is an exclusive Hollywood nightclub Tom, and you're Bill Gates in a Thriller t-shirt and a Member's Only jacket standing outside the velvet ropes with a bag of glowsticks and a hula hoop wishing you knew what it felt like to be inside.

Your ridiculous personal ad instantly and completely negates your claim that you have nearly twenty years experience resurrecting neglected and weary vaginas, because in just two paragraphs you managed to bore 10,000 vaginas to death. You might think your ad is clever, but I haven't seen this many collective vaginas yawn since erectile dysfunction became hip.

WWHM readers frequently note the strong correlation between the illiteracy of a person posting a personal ad and the stupidity of the content of the ad. Tom completely destroys this theory in that not only is his personal ad the most literate ad we've ever posted on WWHM, but it simultaneously qualifies as one of the stupidest personal ads we've ever run. It's almost as if all the stupid in his head miraculously drained into his balls right before he put feather to parchment.

But as all women know, if balls were IQ points, then ......... well I think that joke just kind of finishes itself, doesn't it?