Judgement Day

Date Needed for Corporate Function

I am looking for an intelligent, educated, outgoing, elegant, and attractive, but most importantly, fun Caucasian or Asian girl to act as my date to my company’s outing at a 5-star restaurant.

To the Trash & Riff-Raff:
No, I am not paying you, I am not looking for an escort or a hooker…friggin’ skanks. If you are a single mom, live with your parents, don’t have a college degree, “working through beauty school”, or “getting over my ex who is in prison”--please contact me, so I can belittle your life choices.

If you can’t see your toes due to your gut, smoke or dip (ew), can’t hold your booze or depend on it to live, or have ever been involved with the words “ganja” or “blow”--don’t contact me, I’ll vomit on my keyboard.

If “personal expression” or “individuality through art” concepts are important to you, then by God, don’t get tattoos where idiots have them: neck, behind the ear, wrists, or any other places that state: “I will never have a professional career”.

To the Snobby Crowds:
No, I am not needy nor am I socially disabled, I hate bars and situations where I have to compete for your attention with meatheads, thugs, guidos, and guys old enough to be your dad: You aren’t better than me, and yes, while you are doing me a huge favor, take it as an interim interview period for yourself. Think of it as spring training before a grueling baseball season.

Please disregard me if the following applies to you: If you got your job because “daddy knows some people”, “My self-esteem is reflected in my implants”, “I always get my way--just like the Disney princesses I grew up watching” or “I LOVED Sex & the City”. I naturally hate you.

Now to Those That Still Are Applicable:
Thank you. I apologize for seeming to be an asshole, I hope it didn’t take having a kid, an abortion, or a shitty ex to make you realize how important having a good guy is. I hope you take my cynicism and sarcasm as my way of curbing my naturally aggressive tendencies of dealing with idiots of all genders and races.

Seth

I'm not saying Seth is judgemental or hates women, but last time I went over to his house for an anti-abortion party, he served a bowl of Democrat-flavored Hymen Chex.

We had a great time until his girlfriend Qing Tze accidentally voiced her opinion on the room temperature, at which point he wrapped her in a Confederate flag, forced her to tear up a copy of the Equal Rights Amendment, then deported her to Guangzhou, China. Where, ironically, she now sews American flags for 13 cents an hour.

Having exhausted the local supply of really fun and drug-free deaf, mute, and blind white women with natural breasts, dead fathers and no opinions, Seth now turns to the internet to find a date for a corporate function at a 5-star restaurant. After belittling your life choices, threatening to vomit on his keyboard, and proclaiming his natural hatred for 95% of the women in society, Seth ends his lengthy diatribe by self-righteously touting himself as "one of the good guys" and begging you to excuse his "cynicism and satire." Interesting, because the only way anyone would consider this ad "satire" is if Seth began the ad with a question like "Wouldn't it be funny if some angry fucking impotent cocksucker wrote an ad as horrible as the one I'm about to write?"

If pussies were eyelids, Seth's personality is tear gas. Casting stones from his lonely glass house, Seth passes judgement like an obese owl passes mouse bones. Tattooed women, hairdressers and single mothers all incur the vicious wrath of his tragically microscopic genitalia; sure, perhaps I'd be angry too if my penis resembled a cold and frightened seahorse nibbling at two salad capers, but I wouldn't take it out on the single mothers for which I was the cause. Single mothers become single mothers because of dicks like Seth. I'd try to leave him too, at least before an archaeologist from Chevron started chipping away at my fossilized vagina with a screwdriver.

If you think your dick is dry now Seth, your ad hasn't helped you. If I may quote you, think of it as spring training before a grueling baseball season. In two months your penis will crumble into a fine cock powder, accessing the throat of a female only if chopped with a razor and insufflated through a Burger King milkshake straw.

If you need someone to "act as your date" Seth, you're going to need Meryl Streep, who will likely win an Oscar for her performance as a woman who excuses herself to the bathroom and never returns. Otherwise, find a proctologist or someone else who can easily spend two hours with a painful asshole.

So huff and puff all you want Seth.

You're only going to end up blowing yourself.