Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Best Of WWHM. Go Figgure.

are you a curious FEMALE wanting to experience Figging? - m seeking f - 45

are you a cute, fit, fun, nice yet naughty FEMALE who's been curious about experiencing Figging?
if that's you, tell this cleancut, outwardly conservative, open-minded "educator" a bit about you & your interests.

The staff here at WWHM come across all kinds of interesting perversions while scouring the internet. Nothing shocks us, with the sole exception of men turned on by female bacon tracks.

In fact, just today, words like "pegging", "scat" and "gloryhole" were thrown all over the office, and that was just my grandparents talking about their trip to The Vatican last week. We had a good laugh until grandma demanded a golden shower after drinking too much Fresca. Damn you, Fresca.

Anyway, we didn't know what "figging" was. And because we knew from the ad that the writer was a Christian, a Republican, and a teacher, boy, we knew it was going to be disgusting.

It turns out "figging" is the act of inserting a freshly skinned piece of ginger into one's asshole, and then spanking that person so their anus constricts around the ginger, causing an extreme burning sensation. Or, as the Republican National Committee likes to call it, "lunch hour".

I have some advice to those god-fearing Christians who want to feel an unholy burning sensation in their ass- eat at Hot Wing Hut.

Seriously, get the 8-star wings, and you'll be subtley reminded to not let your mouth write checks that your asshole can't cash.


Best Parent Ever said...

I'll use this as instructional guide for my son to teach him "what not to become" when he gets older.

This is hysterical!!!

Weasel said...

Yes. I'm very exciting about my parents finding this blog. "Son, when are you going to show us this blog of yours?"

When you stab my eyes out with a salad fork, Mom.

Le Liu said...

Damn if any girl I hooked up with stuck a ginger up my ass, I would make that bitch relieve the burning sensation by tossing my salad afterwards. It's only fair.

Tiny le Chef said...

Best blog I've seen in a while. Brilliant idea, perfectly executed. You should start a companion piece with women's ads. They are funny in a much different way - even women who claim to want just sex still have a mile-long list of criteria for their FBs. Example from today's Craigslist, Houston:

There's nothing like finding someone I'm compatible with who can fuck me until I can barely think. I like things passionate. I think it's so hot when both people are so into each other that they just can't wait to have each other. Just grab me and show me how much you want me! Not that there isn't a place for slow and sensual also. Please don't assume this means I take my sexual encounters lightly. I still prefer to get to know someone and see if we have a connection beforehand. I do have a picture of my face that I will send if I like you. I'm looking for someone who is reasonably attractive, gainfully employed, intelligent, enjoys conversation and doesn't make me carry it all the time, sense of humor, sensitive to other's feeling but doesn't cry any time the mail is late, confident without being obnoxious. Don't be a game player.

So, yeah. Fuck me until I'm blind, but make sure you earn enough money because I still eventually just want to be a housewife.

Cut-N-Jump said...

I agree BAtW! I too would like to see the WMHW blog. Surely there are countless female whack jobs out there airing everything in their ads too!

I belong to another snarky blog about horses (Fugly Horse of The Day- FHOTD has quite the worldwide following) and CL is a bad, bad, bad, bad place.

4thehorses said...

Hey CutNJump- the old "ginger up the ass" trick sounds like an American Saddlebred trainer, no?

BELEN said...

Republican here, bitterly clinging to God and gun, but still think your blog is f'ing hilarious and so original. I listen to Rush too....gulp

FrizzyLiz said...

CNJ, I was thinking the ginger up the ass will be the next step with the TWH folks. Or... maybe I read they were already doing so?

Just *ugh*... and *OUCH*

Cut-N-Jump said...

Frizzyliz & 4thehorses- the Arabian horse folks have been using Ginger salve for years. Insertion by finger or often toothbrush is the prefered methods.

To the non horsey folks here- is is the equivelant of Vaseline with ginger powder in it. A glop is placed in the horses anus where it burns the tender skin. The horse will hold it's tail up out of discomfort, but get too much and the tail is clamped down.

Once they defacate, often times the salve goes with it and the tail falls naturally.

Use of ginger salve or 'tail set salve' is prohibited in the Arabian horse network of rated shows, but people still use it and just hope not to get caught.

4thehorses said...

I was sort of thinking that the ad went along with the stodgy old boy trainer type who breaks tails, gingers, and sores.

The Hatter said...

WhyTheF*ck would you want ginger stuck up your ass?

Cut-N-Jump said...

The Hatter-

Ginger would sure as hell beat having the Skipper or the Professor stuck up your ass! Or how about Gilligan? Mr. Howl maybe?

Cut-N-Jump said...

I just have to say this.

Before this blog I had no idea what 'figging' was.

In a way I am glad Weasel and Co. sought the explanation and shared it.

Now I just wish I could go back to NOT knowing what it was. Is that possible?

Cheri' said...

"Ginger would sure as hell beat having the Skipper or the Professor stuck up your ass!"

Holy god, CNJ, that was genius!

Anonymous said...

Wow, CutNJump. Thank you. Do you think you could tell us about the horse's asshole again, but in more excruciating detail? That would just make my day.

Wesley Sniper said...

Word, BATW. I was thinking that myself when I came across this blog... gals do have some horridly recockulous requests.

As if someone with the patience and love of Jesus Christ himself, the looks of Brad Pitt, the humor of Seth Rogen (and mind you not his body type/looks), and the financial security of ..well someone financially secure is on craig's list looking for some beached whale of a lady to "treat like the 'princesses' they are" ...

what loads. and that's 89% of the female ads. guys are typically looking for a warm hole to put their genetalia in..or apparently someone to put a spice in their warm holes.

humans of both genders are all psychologically discombobulated freaks.

btw. I'd totally be down for writing for WMHW

Ink said...

OH My God That Is Disgusting I :LOLED all over!!!!!


Nursery Admissions said...

gosh this is strange. and the strangest part is i was searching for educational information and i reached this blog but I got some different information .. ha ha A different use of ginger.

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