Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Date Prep With A Level 8 Druid

lvl 8 ogre mage seeks moon queen or druid

I am a lvl 8 warrior seeking my adventuring companion for game play and fornication. I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird. Only sanctioned spells allowed, costume dress optional but preferred. I have the body of a wandering Norwegian brawler and short brown hair. Please send pics, leves, preferred adventure type and spell list. We could go get dinner (under $20), and watch a movie. Also I’m allergic to cats.

So you answered an ad on a dating board. His name was Chris. You know two things about him: he's allergic to cats, and he's broke. You agreed to meet. The hair's up, black dress is tight, Jimmy Choos sparkling, and three squirts of Pussies In Heat on the back of your neck.

And now let's see how Chris prepares........................

Chris, or Drogar, First Guardsmith of The Seven Condors, gets ready in his pre-fabricated space pod module he built out of orange juice crates and refrigeration tubing.

"I must first release my flaxen manseed," he mutters to himself, jumping into the shower with a cutout of a forest green elf he extracted from a box of expired soup crackers, and some scented Jergens he swiped from his sister. He masturbates rhythmically to his favorite Viking tune, "Don't Fuck a Two-Headed Norseman."

Drying off with a fecally stained antelope pelt, Drogar prepares some jokes for conversation with his date. "That time I switched a 256 kHz band port tubing with a multi-platform fuse integrator," he ponders, "that story killed at DragonCon Omaha." She will not be able to resist such free-spirited antics.

Drogar prepares his Spiderman Underoos, combat boots and elongated moose hide for adornment, and sprays his chest with a steaming cup of fresh fox urine. His beard free of earwig parts, he trudges out the door.

He passes his father in the driveway, "Aye me Father, I am on my way to engage a fair maiden!"
His father ignores him, and continues shovelling the Ivy League law school applications addressed to his son into the garbage as he sobs uncontrollably.

The bus ride is empty, as the passengers ran screaming into the forest once he boarded the bus.

Stepping to your doorstep, he knocks twice and you open.

"Aye Fairest Maiden", he bellows "we shall ingest the finest meats and cheeses this evening until our Bellies are Splitting!"

You slam the door, then re-open it, and throw a stray cat directly at his face.

Dejected, bleeding profusely, and inflamed from hives, Drogar rides another empty bus home.

To whack it to the elf.

Whackin' it again to that goddamn motherfuckin' elf.

Thanks to the 13 people who submitted this ad! And RP'ers I kid, I kid! Suggested by an RP'er!


jumper said...

*sigh* another winner here!

Attention Geeks - Contrary to popular belief, there ARE fellow Geek girls out there! I've been a volunteer at a very large convention for a prominent fandom, and have the tee shirts to prove it (and on casual days, they work through the rotation, I have NO shame!) But we have other interest too - and so should you. There's really life out there, we promise!

BELEN said...

Valhalla, I am coming! On we sweep with threshing oar, Our only goal will be the western shore. Ah, ah

Anonymous said...

fairest lady jumper I see a foul creature lurking in thines avatar. Let not that beast come betwixt our loins.

- Drogar

Christy said...

BWAHAHAHA!!! I think I just tinkled.

Anonymous said...

I love that the "creepy goth stuff" is "too weird" for this one. you've got to be shitting me. yeah, i like a guy that's a little more tame and normal; like, you know, one who PAINTS HIS BODY BLUE AND PLAYS MAKE-BELIEVE ALL DAY.

Cut-N-Jump said...

The poor elf!

Having to see that naked in the shower, let alone whacking it repeatedly...

The poor elf!

Kate said...

2 things:

If "creepy goth stuff is too weird" for you, then you need to look in a mirror and reevaluate your life. And...if our date has to be under $20 for the meal, is that total or just for me. Because looking at that guy is going to take a couple drinks, and hell, that adds up!

Brookeh said...

Good lord.

Way to scar my morning.

You know, Orlando Bloom made a hot elf.

This guy...? ...not so much.

FjordWoman said...

Belen, you read my mind with the Immigrant Song reference!

Unknown said...

If a geek/fan/re-enactor girl runs away screaming and tells you to get a life, stay out of hers, you KNOW it's bad. I second Jumper's vote, this guy is even less appealing than the LARP guy...as for the "no creepy goth" stuff, I don't even know where to begin...the pot (cauldron?) calling the kettle black?
Run away! Run away!

gemtwyst said...

Because the phrase, "I put on my robe and wizard hat" is the best foreplay EVAR.


Anonymous said...

Tsk tsk. Nothing wrong with a little role-playing, Weasel. You need to learn to live a little. ;)

Seriously though, the 'creepy goth stuff' kills me just like it does everybody else.

wheelin126 said...

Where do we sign up to be the elf in the shower??
I justed wanted another really good laugh!! LMAO!!!

Cut-N-Jump said...

So the right hand that is visible...

Is that a glove?

Did he really paint all of himself Blue?

Does he really only have 3 fingers and a thumb?

Do we really need these answered???

MinxyQ said...

roflmao. Loved this one.

" partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird. "

ok...so we have a sliding scale of creepy/weird..."normal acceptance" is on the left....and the scale extends to the right. According to this guy "goth stuff" is to his right....but I would hazard a guess that it is immediately to his his right and "normal acceptance" is a tiny speck on the horizon to his left.

I think he should keep this stuff to the role-playing antics of Goldshire in world of warcraft...he might have more luck there.

iloverocky said...

Darn, he had me 'til the no cats part! Too bad; who knows how many under $20 excellent meals I will miss now.

Anonymous said...

No cats? Oh Damn. It looks like I have missed out on a real winner here. Me and my two pussies will go and cry in the corner...feeling all unwanted :(
And he was willing to spend a whole $20 on dinner too...barf

crazy4tbs said...

umm don't want to really go to Mcdonald's with level 8 dude.......what is up with the levels??????

Anonymous said...

The $20 was the best part. I mean if you're 'po/poor, don't even mention going out to eat in your ad!

The Half-Assed Blog said...

Methinks thy mediocre warrior hast too many bats in the belfry.

Damn, delusioned people are so funny. The sad thing is I could think of a few folks that are weird enough for him, if pressed.

I like fantasy. I like dressing up in silly clothes now and then.

I don't like LIVING like that.

FancyJumper said...

this is the most hilarious ad yet, in my opinion! i love how at the end, just when you don't think it could get any more comically unbelievable, he nonchalantly adds "also i'm allergic to cats"

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

This ad makes me want to meet him for the sole purpose of sprinkling cat hair on his cape when he's not paying attention.

The Hatter said...

Oh sweet lord.

Cut-N-Jump said...

Cathy you catty bitch you!


Dark Elf Warrior said...

"Aye me Father, I am on my way to engage a fair maiden!"

Excellent! You should get an award for that one, Weasel!

Seraph said...

I only date level 20+ druids :(

. said...

@ jumper - agreed.

Moreover; we don't all weigh 2 tons, have skin conditions, and/or sleep with more stuffed animals than mattress.

I feel bad for this poor bastard. The only way he'll be seeing Valhalla is if he's serving mead there.

Versailles Rose said...

Hm, he seems very sane next to some classical musicians that I dated...

Anonymous said...

This guy seems to me to be in a completely different class than most others I've seen here. This one would probably be fun to meet on a ... "date". (For a maybe somewhat rare definition of fun.)

ravenshrike said...

Was this a Heisenbergian cat that managed to be both stray and not stray at the same time? Or did it just graduate to stray status after touching the LARPer?

Itsnotmytree said...

I AM a gamer chick, total nerd, but never in my life have I considered dressing up as a character and living it in real life o.O

Anonymous said...

Sadly this brings back so many memories, what WAS I thinking at the time?

Ariela_HvM said...

Leave the poor guy alone. Even weirdos need love.

Sara Amis said...

I literally laughed until I cried on this one.

And...weirdos need love, but assholes don't. Anyone who CLEARLY spends a lot of money on gaming but won't spend more than $20 on a date does not deserve female companionship.

A. Williams said...

my neighbors have heard some strange sounds from my apartment, but nothing quite so disturbing as the screaming laughter i couldn't control as i read this. holy shit... so, dressing up as a mage is ok, but goth, well, that's just going too far!
nothing at all against geeks of any kind- i dated a serious rp geek who blew off a date- a date with guaranteed sex at the end, mind you- to play warcraft or wtf-ever it was. and i can live with that- but once it crosses over to 24/7 life... it'd be like living in the south park episode where they went to pioneer village and nobody would break character.

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Alice said...

"I partake in only adventure/fantasy role play, no creepy goth stuff, it’s too weird."

The mind wanders into uncomfortable territory when one wonders what else this little party animal finds weird. No... just, no.

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