Pens are in short supply in Ulaanbaa-whatever-the-fuck-its-called, but I happily shaved my signature into the hides of various unruly farm animals that the kind villagers had brought down from the mountains with their books.
Have you ever tried to shave your name onto a fucking chicken? Did you know chickens have claws? My fucking balls do.
Anyway, rumor has it that a plain sheep is usually worth about 8 Mongolian tugriks, but a sheep signed by yours truly now suddenly fetched that plus a pail of mismatched engine bolts, a 14 year-old edition of American Coastal Seabirds magazine, and a medium-sized bag of sunbleached turnips.
So you'll have to pardon me if my head gets a little big.
You see, the short-lived "Why Women Hate Men- The Blog" is very big over in Mongolia, quite obvious from the reaction of these fine lovely ladies that met my plane at the airport.
"Why?" they cried out in unison, falling to their knees and praying to the almighty heavens, "Why have the entries ceased?" They had tried everything, they explained, to resurrect my blog. They had licked the udder of an unholy yak, they had mixed in the spleens of prairie warblers into their breakfast muffins, nothing seemed to work.
I knew I needed to calm them.
As we sat and sipped Yoo-Hoo's and snorted knock-off Viagra, I explained to them that "Why Women Hate Men- The Blog" was not just another temporary blog that came and went with the winds. There were certain issues with the blog I had to address, and until I addressed them, I needed to stop posting.
I loved writing the blog, the material was endless, and I had a legion of at least three American readers to keep pre-occupied so they didn't have to work at the office.
They understood, and as a gesture of their appreciation, they beat me ferociously about the neck and shoulders with a satchel of government-issued cheeses, a very popular Mongolian thank you ritual. Then we had a good laugh, and shot some government protesters in the spirit of kinship.
So keep me on your blog list."Why Women Hate Men- The Blog" will be back in short order.
Meanwhile, thank you to everyone who has written to me in support, and even those who have written to me in defiance. I love attention. I'm a fucking whore. I feed off that shit.
And as I have just begun this blog, I realize some of these entries just don't make the cut. Send me your least and most favorite entries, and I can start chopping out the bad material.
Or just send me questions, ads, or a love-or-hate note at email@example.com.