Friday, March 28, 2008
r u a sucker 4 luv.............................. -
If money were no object, what is the one thing that would be most important to you to do?
If you could ask me one question, what would that be?
If money were no object, I'd probably start by having you pay some of those past-due bills your grandma crammed into that plastic fruit basket you have on your desk.
You know what happens when you don't pay your bills?
Your "Tasty Norwegian Jellies of the Month" club membership expires. You could only imagine the horror.
If I could ask you one question what would I ask?
I would ask you why your wearing a red frying pan on your head.
I'm inviting you to my upscale home where I'll be your lolly pop for the day. Must be 420 and "winter" friendly with a love for all day sex.
I didn’t know Tootsie Pop came out with a new flavor called “Coked-Up Hairy Man’s Abdomen.”
Even if you were a lollipop, even the thirstiest, most ecstasy-addled club kid wouldn’t suck on you for a gallon of orange juice and eight bags of fresh glowsticks.
See, this is what happens when you use cocaine.
One minute your chopping up lines with your friends, and the next thing you know you're alone in your neighbors garage taking pictures of yourself wearing purple panties, a blouse, and a purple hat with a picture of a seal balancing a balloon on it’s nose.
Thinking everything is just normal as can be.
Wait. Is that Charlie Sheen?
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
go ahead make my day........and yours........XXXXX......22eight.seven5o..nine. ill be waiting. i can pick you up if needed. age and race open. later. Chris
If you're dreaming of a chance to have awkward sex in a 1982 Toyota Supra behind the nation's sixth largest animal rendering plant, Chris has just answered your prayers.
And bring those old cassette tapes you have in a shoebox in the closet.
I recommend 1983's Best of Ratt.
"Round and Round" is a great song to hump uncomfortably to in a Supra while the parking brake gingerly rides up your ass.
sincerely eager and need mature woman for fantasy fulfillment - man seeking woman - 39 yrs old
what I'm hoping is that despite my faults, small dependency prob. and personal issues, you appreciate my honesty, that you are understanding, that perhaps (hopefully?) you share one or more of the descriptives that I'm about to bear, and that I'll soon be hearing from you.
CONS: small Herpies problem, minimal outbreaks and mild when they occur/divorced father, chapter 7 bankruptcy and Food Stamp Candidate/ enjoy Narcotics but have none today
PROS: I'm a pervert, surfer body from surfing, currently unemployed but six figure past life, i have enjoyed raising a beautiful and vibrant well adjusted 5 yr old. she was my past employer.
Well here he is, and you better grab him before he tears down that Verizon tower and sells the scrap copper for another fix.
Um, by the way. You're unemployed, divorced and addicted to narcotics, but you're raising a "well adjusted" 5 year-old daughter?
Stuff some $5 bills in her diapers, put the pole up in the living room, and start calling her "Chloe", because in 13 years she'll realize her destiny.
sex games and fun, karma seutra, Movies costumes
Lets play games with each other. lets dress up as a nun and priest. then you can recieve my sermon. we can try to do every possition in the karma seutra. We will dress you up as a baby bird and you will say "Im a Baby bird feed me" then i will cum in your mouth and you can eat it all up. I swaer im not a wierdo or anything i just love sex. I also have a fantasy about getting head while watching cartoons like popeye,Then i can pop in your eye while watching popeye , or teenage musatnt ninja turtles.
I don't think he could have chosen a more appropriate shirt for this ad.
The only bright side is after he ejaculates into your eye, you won't be able to see the neighborhood you're left to die in.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Pens are in short supply in Ulaanbaa-whatever-the-fuck-its-called, but I happily shaved my signature into the hides of various unruly farm animals that the kind villagers had brought down from the mountains with their books.
Have you ever tried to shave your name onto a fucking chicken? Did you know chickens have claws? My fucking balls do.
Anyway, rumor has it that a plain sheep is usually worth about 8 Mongolian tugriks, but a sheep signed by yours truly now suddenly fetched that plus a pail of mismatched engine bolts, a 14 year-old edition of American Coastal Seabirds magazine, and a medium-sized bag of sunbleached turnips.
So you'll have to pardon me if my head gets a little big.
You see, the short-lived "Why Women Hate Men- The Blog" is very big over in Mongolia, quite obvious from the reaction of these fine lovely ladies that met my plane at the airport.
"Why?" they cried out in unison, falling to their knees and praying to the almighty heavens, "Why have the entries ceased?" They had tried everything, they explained, to resurrect my blog. They had licked the udder of an unholy yak, they had mixed in the spleens of prairie warblers into their breakfast muffins, nothing seemed to work.
I knew I needed to calm them.
As we sat and sipped Yoo-Hoo's and snorted knock-off Viagra, I explained to them that "Why Women Hate Men- The Blog" was not just another temporary blog that came and went with the winds. There were certain issues with the blog I had to address, and until I addressed them, I needed to stop posting.
I loved writing the blog, the material was endless, and I had a legion of at least three American readers to keep pre-occupied so they didn't have to work at the office.
They understood, and as a gesture of their appreciation, they beat me ferociously about the neck and shoulders with a satchel of government-issued cheeses, a very popular Mongolian thank you ritual. Then we had a good laugh, and shot some government protesters in the spirit of kinship.
So keep me on your blog list."Why Women Hate Men- The Blog" will be back in short order.
Meanwhile, thank you to everyone who has written to me in support, and even those who have written to me in defiance. I love attention. I'm a fucking whore. I feed off that shit.
And as I have just begun this blog, I realize some of these entries just don't make the cut. Send me your least and most favorite entries, and I can start chopping out the bad material.
Or just send me questions, ads, or a love-or-hate note at email@example.com.
Just what the ladies have been dreaming of, Ned.
What with all the women I see trolling the bars at night murmuring to themselves "Wow, if only I could find a hairy, middle-aged and out-of-shape corn harvester whose grandma cuts his hair with the cat's milk bowl to give me a good, solid licken."
Does Glamour Shots charge extra for forest shots?
Can I get that jacket in yellow? Or, as you might put it, "yeller"?
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Pen-pal, email, coffee later, see how it goes.............
Just looking for a gal to email occaisionally for now! Meet for coffee sometime down the road. Let's just see where we've directed our lives to, what happened along the way. Looking forward to the future and all the surprises it brings! Ron
Surprises, like, say, a dead bleeding mammal dumped on my front porch?
You know, if I'm ever going out on the town with a goal of meeting some attractive and single young ladies, the first question I often ask myself is "Should I clean the horseflies from my bloody stump of an antelope head so it doesn't smell up the nightclub?"
This questioned is oft followed by "Where did I put my 'Angry Bear By The River' sweatshirt?"
I call that sweatshirt "The Closer".
Friday, March 7, 2008
nsa wanted - 23
there's a frist time for everything. im looking for a female that just wants a one night stand maby a relationship down the road hit me up let me know
...and maybe someone that could cook this smelly dead fish for me.
You know, I just don't know what this guy is trying to say with this picture here. He wants a one night stand, and to get the ladies in that "hot and horny" mood, he has been kind enough to enclose a photo of himself holding a dead, bleeding fish with it's head torn off.
Captain, when women tell you seafood makes them horny, they mean when it's on a plate served with green beans and some warm butter rolls wrapped in a napkin. Not when it's mouth is still moving and it's eyes are looking at you like you can summon Jesus.
By the way, with this photo, the following sections may have provided better responses:
Men Seeking Bears
Men Seeking Screaming, Angry Eagles
Just a thought.
I wanna lady friend -39
I am looking for a lady friend for one on one encounters.......
....and you must enjoy sex upon mounds of stank and damp cattle feed.
All in a dark and soulless barn. With bats.
Anyway, speaking of barns (which is something I love to do), all you ladies should know that young males discover pornography for the first time in one of two places. Either in the forest, or in the back of a barn. Absolutely true. Ask them.
And as we grow older, we look back on our first experiences with pornography, and often chuckle to ourselves "How did that porn get there in the first place?"
Well, here's the answer. It was this guy, the fucking Santa Claus of porn. Making his way around to the forests and remote barns of world, dumping 1975 Penthouses, 1983 Oui magazines, and coarse moustache hairs everywhere in his path.
And to this man, the men of the world have two words for you:
And to this man, the ladies of the world have two words for you as well:
Concerns of a normal 35 year-old male:
1. Investments. How can I best position my financial portfolio to provide for both my immediate needs and my retirement? Is there an adequate ratio of fixed-income assets in relationship to more liquid securities in case of an emergency?
2. Job and career satisfaction. Will the new cross-functional team communication structure affect my personal ability to advance with the company? What is my new role in this complex company re-organization?
3.Health. Have I adequate steps to ensure my insurance provides proper coverage for my entire family? What about the children's dental and orthodontic needs? Have I gone over the finer points of my policy provider?
Concerns of this 35 year-old male:
1. Totally fuckin’ sweet skate ramps.
2. The cops, man. The motherfuckin' cops.
3. Avril Lavigne posters.
4. God I fuckin’ hate my stupid fuckin’ sister Darla. She's, like, always in my room.
By the way, your first date is in a Circle K parking lot. Bring mittens.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
You thought about it for weeks and you were so excited about it! Was it a race car? A tractor? A new bike?
And then when you opened it, it was like an ugly yellow sweater your grandma knitted for you with a stupid monkey on the front. You wanted to punch that monkey in the face.
Well, that happened to me today. Barely five days old, I got my first blog-related email from an address I didn’t recognize. And it was hate mail. Go figure.
So lets all gather around in a circle, hold hands, and let this fine young lady vent. Then we’ll break for popsicles and poor-grade hashish.
You don’t know me, but I was forwarded an email through a freind that had a link to youre blog address. For some reason I looked at it and I wish I hadnt.
I don’t know you, but I really think you should be ashamed of yourself and your blog. Does it make you feel better about yourself to trash lonly people simply looking to find some companionship in their lives? So what they are different then you are. I would bet judging from your picture (if that is you prob not) that the people you post on your blog are much happier than you. You might think that your good loking but I certainly don’t and you obviously lack charcter. People looking for love is a PRIVATE matter for them and it should be kept that way PRIVATE not for you to make fun of them.
I feel sorry for your grilfriend if you have one, but you probably don’t and you certainly wont meet one now . Good luck with that, maybe you should put a perosnal ad on your own site.LOL
Sorry, I was choking on a fried eel.
These ads are anything but private, you bitter, angry shrew. These ads are among the millions of personal ads posted on public boards throughout the internet. You may not have seen them what with all the time you spend reading Good Housekeeping.
I appreciate your opinion, but I will continue to write this fascinating viewpoint into the psyche of the American male, and you can continue to save otters from tuna nets.
And the thought that I may use this blog to meet women is preposterous. Absolutely preposterous.
By the way, all single women can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Seeking to be any woman's 'Toy' this week
Looking for discretion, companionship and maybe some sex this week? Let me be your 'toyboy'. I will not force anyone to have sex. Maybe you just need an afternoon 'lick' during your lunch break for some pleasure and stress relief! I have some pics of all of me shown here. I don't have many standards just a horny lady . Send your 70 year old grandma, wife now! Hoping you'll squeeze my ass soon when we meet.
“Toyboy” feels open about his sexuality. Unheeded by our cultural mores, he proudly displays his 39 year-old body, peacocked in an unequivocal effort to bestow his masculinity upon all female comers. His arched back beckons females forth, exposing forth his genitals and expressing his carnal desires symbolically. Proud we should be as males, hereby witnessing a man so forthcoming with his prowess, his intent, and his lack of self-conciousness, his small white tennis socks symbolic of his remote connection with the true world which views nudity and sexuality as crude and animalistic.
How do I clean vomit out of my keyboard?
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Will Trade Laptop for a Date -m4w-32
I'm looking to trade a brand new laptop for a date. I'm not able to host, sorry. Me: 30,white,blue eyes,5'9",175,d&d free and easy going. Dell D620/ 1GB RAM/ 60GB HDD/ DVD/cd burner/ Wireless networking/ Windows XP - New and still sealed in the box, unopened. Attach a pic to your reply, will do the same.
I'd like to thank everybody I sent this mock-up of a blog to over the past couple days. The response was overwhelmingly positive, so I'm going to keep it up.
By the way, a lot of people I sent this to asked me "Are those ads for real?"
Just like the ad above, I assure you they are all absolutely 100% real. I did not make them up.
There actually is a guy out there posting a personal ad seeking to exchange an unopened laptop computer for a date. (Although, because I took a Crime Scene Investigation class last spring, I can deduce it has indeed been opened considering he included a picture of the laptop, opened, on his desk.)
Is this what dating has come to? Should I follow conventional wisdom and ask for a date in lieu of whatever I find in my garage?
"WM seeks female. Will trade hot dinner date for a sack of frozen sausages, a wedge of Muenster cheese from last Christmas, and some lawn darts."
My point of this blog isn't simply to be cruel to people. By posting these ads, they are being cruel to themselves. I just sort of heap it on.
The point is to show just how absolutely clueless men can be in their attempts to attract female companionship. It reflects poorly on all of us single men out there who at least have a modicum of respect for women and how to make ourselves attractive to them.
And let me assure you I don't think I am any better than any of them. Like most guys, I'm shy, weaselly, and timid foot-shuffler, that when placed in front of a woman I'm attracted to, I immediately start to stutter, spit, and make an ass out of myself. Don't let that tie fool you.
I may get a few posts up this weekend, but they'll be back in force next week. And if you see a really bad ad, send it to me at email@example.com. And please, if you don't know me and came across this blog, send me an email anyway and let me know what you think.
First up for your hot dating options next week? LARPing. With beaver pelts.
The line starts here right here ladies. I suggest you get in it.