ALLOW ME TO HELP SOLVE YOUR HUSBANDS INFERTILITY PROBLEMI am a 56 year old male. I have decided to get a vasectomy next month and I would like to impregnate a woman before I have this procedure done. It would behoove you to act quickly for maximum exposure to my sperm. I will only do this naturally without condoms. If your husband can't do the job, I can.
Having been asked previously by several couples who were friends of mine to donate sperm, I learned from their doctors that I have an extreme sperm level. I can give you multiple loads of sperm per meeting to increase your chances of getting pregnant.
Many of my physical traits are influenced by recessive genes. Therefore, it is most likely that the child would resemble the mother in most instances. It will be easy to deceive your family and friends into thinking it is your husbands child. It will be our secret. You will not see me again.
If you are 18-24, healthy, attractive, I am available to you. I will be very attentive, supportive, and encouraging, during this process. My vasectomy is in 5 weeks so it would behoove you to contact me as soon as possible.
Gary xxxxxxxx@ xxxxxx .com
….. and just when you think you will never have to think about Gary again, the baby will utter his very first word …...
Behoove.
Gary has decided to lock his birds in the aviary, but not before he makes a last ditch effort to pass on his modesty, his charming demeanor, but most importantly, multiple loads of his totally fucking "extreme sperm". Unfortunately, at 56, extreme sperm might refer to five or six sperm bickering about seasonal weather changes over a Denny's breakfast menu. Put a Bingo sign on your vagina and install a wheelchair access ramp, and you may be able to lure them into your womb if only to proudly display a sprouting assemblage of severely inflamed bunions to your yawning, disinterested eggs.
Free impregnation personal ads like this one continue to flood WWHM world headquarters like so many Valtrex coupons and genital crab pamphlets. Thinly disguised as charitable offers, a trained eye can easily spot the elderly author's willing donation of his piping hot semen as a disingenuous attempt to coerce female participation in repeated rounds of totally hot and juicy, if not tantalizingly forbidden, teen sex. “I will only do this naturally without condoms,” Gary says, forcing hundreds of ovulating young ladies to immediately book reservations for a candlelight dinner with a cold petri dish and a bag of dry ice.
Gary claims veteran status when it comes to impregnating his friends, his erection rotating like a lawn sprinkler to repeatedly apply a generous and even coat of recessive genes to the hats, scarves and reproductive organs of ever-thankful townsfolk. Acquiring recessive genes may sound appealing at first to a woman hoping to bear a child with a likeness similar to hers, but she may re-consider when she discovers that would also involve sexual intercourse with a thin-lipped and bald albino hemophiliac with a double-jointed forehead and fused eye sockets. Beauty might be only skin deep, but when you're fucking a nearsighted yard gnome with permanently flared nostrils, WWHM strongly suggests you first incorporate alcoholism into your own genetic traits.
Every man has a natural predilection to spread his seed from the moment he first attempts to impregnate a Cosmopolitan magazine binding staple at 12 years of age. But WWHM feels Gary crossed the line with this pathetic attempt to get laid before he snips the feed lines to his udder. If you want to get laid, earn it or pay for it. But don't masquerade as a knight-in-shining armor when you're just the village milkman with a van full of spoiled and sour product.
"You will not see me again."
We can only hope Gary.
65 comments:
There is a med school with a fertility clinic attached in the biggest city near to where I live. They regularly have adverts in the local paper for sperm donors. If this guy was for real, that is how he would 'help'. As you say Weas he is just looking to get laid. And just to smile at the FHOTD peeps, first :)
And he would prefer his child to be raised by someone whose qualifications include ... being barely out of high school? A woman meets a man, gets engaged, gets married, tries for a child, finds out hubby can't do the job - this takes time. Many weddings are a year or more in the planning. So he is looking for someone who got engaged at age, what, 15?
"...attempts to impregnate a Cosmopolitan magazine binding staple..." is probably the funniest thing I have read in at least a month.
I'm being as precise as possible to make you understand how fucking hilarious this is. You deserve all the praise-that-doesn't-pay-the-bills in the world, and then some.
Here's another sample: In the sea of pearls that is your blog, this one is the shiniest. Or whitest. Or whatever makes a pearl more valuable than average.
Why do older men always think that they can attract much younger women? I really don't think many of them have a fetish for getting with someone who is old enough to be their grandpa. And how many women in the 18-24 range really want a kid at that age anyway?
I think this is more of the "game" playing stuff, setting a false time crunch on your oh-so-tantalizing offer so she has to think fast and stupid. Hopefully.
What exactly counts as a load of sperm? Weight, volume, physical count? Should extreme sperm take multiple offerings to catch on? Has he ever met a baby-hungry collegian, and does he realize that he will be avoiding her crazy ass and not the other way around? ...This ad boggles me, but I'm not the retarded high schooler he's targeting.
Your commentary is awesome sauce. Fertile, abundant awesome sauce.
You need to show this ad to teenage girls as way of ending teenage pregnancy. Who'd want to have sex after reading that. AAARERAA...I think I going to vomit!
Yuk, yuk, yuk. Gross.
What 18-24 year old is trying to get pregnant ??? And if, by some strange coincidence, they are, why on earth would they chose a 56 year old to do it for them ??? I mean, really.....
Optimism is a good trait to have as well Gary, but I think it's misplaced in this case !!!!
I was baffled by the 18-24 age requirement. What, if she was 25 he would reject her? He's fucking 56!
One of my WWHM readers / previewers suggested he may have said that because this is when women are most fertile; I say bullshit- he wants young meat.
Um, I'm sure you guys "got it", but all those physical descriptions I used are genetically recessive traits. Except fused eye sockets, which are dominant, but sounded funny.
I sacrifice truth for humor.
Oh dear - like others have said what 18-24 year old would want to have unprotected sex with a 56 year old man....he is hoping many hot ones
ewwe
Once again, I embarrassed the shit out of myself by laughing out loud on crowded public transport.
I love you Weasel.
Okay, as an 18-24 year old (though soon to be OUT of his range, thank the Gods of every religion EVER) I have to say that if I WANTED a child THAT badly I would go to a fertility clinic or a sperm donor bank or whatever it is and have myself artificially impregnated before ever, EVER wanting to have sex with someone for the sheer purpose of a baby.
Although, being an 18-24 year old, and knowing many other 18-24 year olds, I can safely say that when someone even mentions the possibility of having a child to us we practically tear out our uteri and run screaming into the night and off a bridge.
Why is it always 18-24? What's wrong with 25 year olds?
I'm 22 - and evidently losing my ability to attract tools with every passing year!
Sophie, don't be embarrassed about laughing out loud with lots of strangers around. I do it every freaking day. I laugh at my klutziness, random thoughts and goofy things that I might be reading. I'm convinced that around 67% of the campus and surrounding population thinks I am absolutely insane. Its good though, you should go with it.
And, Weasel, another great one. I can't wait to age that year and be out of his age range. Maybe that'll cut down on the propositions I get from nasty old farts.
It never stops to fascinate me how men 50+ thinks every young girl wants to shag an old guy. Thats just gross!
If I wanted a baby with a donor, I'd go to a fertility clinic. Yeah, there is a chance that the sperm might come from a guy just like Gary, but I'd never know, and ignorance is bliss!
Recessive genes - okay if you're cheating on your husband, but jesus fucking christ on a bicycle - I'd at least choose someone with an ounce of intelligence!
Weasel, you need to forward this guys ad to the person who wrote that semen-cookbook.. Seeing as how Gary has 'an extreme sperm level' and is aching for it to be put to use...
Being in the 18-24 bracket he mentions, I can tell you that many of us tend have children on our own without even trying too hard. Furthermore, often it is with someone who is also in our own age bracket and NOT with someone who could be our father's age.
And another thing...if he is so inclined to help impregnate the masses he should just go to the sperm bank and donate his "multiple" loads to a cup where then a real professional can tell if his "recessive" genes are worth carrying on. Most likely, if you have to mention your traits won't be carried on its because you have some nasty genetic disease and your sperm donation will end up in the biohazard bag at the clinic. Oh and don't get me started on recessive genes, since I doubt he knows shit about genetics anyways.
I agree with bhm. This is great birth control.
Not to mention he doesn't claim to be STD free.
Recessive gene? Really, stupidity is genetic, is that the recessive gene.
Scathingly brilliant commentary as usual.
Extreme spear? That should be a reality show.
Here is a woman for him, and he could even get his house cleaned out of the deal:
http://whymenhatewomen-theblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/fuck-me-and-ill-fuck-you.html
Why the hell does a 56 year old man need a vascectomy? Is he just "so potent" that he cannot have a sex life with a menopausal woman without knocking her up? Or is he soooooo hot he's knocking up the age group he's surfing for with that ad?
This is priceless. And he really expects women to fall for it? I mean, yes we are more naive at 18-24, but I don't think ANY female is that stupid.
Which brings me to the reason he picked that age range, other than the fact that he's a perve and wants to fuck a teenager... he doesn't want to hear the backlash from an older woman - I'd decimate this asshole.
Excellent commentary Weasel, "But don't masquerade as a knight-in-shining armor when you're just the village milkman with a van full of spoiled and sour product." Gawd, I am still stifling peals of borderline hysterical laughter.
"Put a Bingo sign on your vagina and install a wheelchair access ramp, and you may be able to lure them into your womb if only to proudly display a sprouting assemblage of severely inflamed bunions to your yawning, disinterested eggs."
HILARIOUS! I love Weasel! (In a manly way).
Garret
As a female member of the 18-24 age range, I know that I could very easily find someone in my own age group to knock me up if I so desired. Getting a guy in the age bracket to sleep with you does not take a whole lot of convincing. Especially if I told them once there job was done they never had to contact me again. Seems to me that most guys dream about that kind of thing.
most 18-24 year olds are trying to avoid getting knocked up but someone how ol' Gary missed that in his quest for Sainthood.
if 18 year old chicks wanted to fuck 56 year old dudes, they'd do their professors, at least they 'd get an A out of it.
Weasel, I am impressed you bothered to look up some fine examples of recessive traits.
Gary is an ass. I hope he gets an infected vasectomy incision. The results can be quite funny and painful!
I just love the 18-24 requirement.
Most of the people I know who are desperate for a baby, are NOT 18-24... most girls that age are praying they DON'T get pregnant.
It's fail worthy enough he's trolling for those who are 18-24, but don't forget, they have to be attractive too.
What a douchebag.
Well damn...at 44, I'm too old for this guy.
>whew!<
Heck, they should chop off this ole perv's schlong when they do his vasectomy next month. Seein' as he's enough of a schmuck to offer to impregnate 18-24 year old ass, he's probably stupid enough to come back after the f***** surgery and do the same.
18-24 years old and female? Come have hot, steamy sex with a bald, albino 56-year-old with flat feet, knock knees, scoliosis, and gorgeous thick bellybutton hair. Totally free, no strings attached. I haven't been tested for HIV, but we won't use a condom because I just had a vasectomy. It behooves you to hook up with me tonight. You'll never have to see me again!
Better to be on the safe side and do away with all his reproductive parts.
I think its disgusting but you just know some woman saw dollar signs. All it takes is a fake wedding ring and a paternity test for 18-24 years of child support and child tax credits. This guy is retard.
Can be described in one word!
NASTY
Thank the gods I'm 25 years old and, while in the best physical shape of my life, nowhere near good enough for Mr. ExtremeSperm.
Thank the gods I'm 25 years old and, while in the best physical shape of my life, nowhere near good enough for Mr. ExtremeSperm.
Anonymous...the ad from WMHW is perfect.
I keep getting Scary Movie and Hancock flash backs every time I read this sad sad man's ad.
And I want to be around after fertility boomer's incision is healed. I bet he experiences an extreme spear build up and his nuts swell up to Willy Wonka proportions before they explode. It's worth the expense of a Helly Hansen rain suit and face shield to be a witness to such an event.
I don't think I spelled anything wrong in this post, unlike me first one.
weasel - Beauty might be only skin deep, but when you're fucking a nearsighted yard gnome with permanently flared nostrils, WWHM strongly suggests you first incorporate alcoholism into your own genetic traits.
I really don't think there is enough alcohol in the world to make this even remotely appealing...uck, gag!!
Reading that, my uterus just flung itself screaming out of my nostril and skittered under the couch.
LOL Evergrey!
Charitable Donation, eh, more like a cry for a reality check - that ricocheted!
Someone should tell this fossil that "it behooves us all to avoid archaisms." Whatta twerp.
Your photomanip is fabulous, by the way XD I cracked up at it after I'd read the post!
Hey whoever Ginmar is, will you send me an email?
Thanks!
The Weasel
I find it funny that he thinks this will have young girls/women falling into his bed.
1.) Most women in his very restrictive age range (go figure) don't want to have a child.
2.) Older women may be more likely to be seeking fertility treatment and HE wouldn't be in consideration. They'd be a.) determining whether hubby REALLY had a problem and b.) trying IVF first.
3.) I find it funny how he is trying to attract young women by touting his Super Sperm, talking about his genetic traits that make it desirable. IF they even wanted to get pregnant, they definitely would NOT be looking to a guy in his 50s.
Research has shown that men over 40 are more prone to producing a child with birth defects. That fact alone would negate his little breeding fantasy he's trying to create for young women about his "Super Sperm".
Nothing but an old perv.
ahahaha!!! He's looking for all those attractive, married 18 year olds looking to get pregnant and whose husbands have fertility problems. And I like how he had to specify "no condoms" when hes trying to impregnate someone.
"your husband would never know..."
Really? Seriously, do you think that if your husband can't get you pregnant after ages of trying and then all of a sudden BAM your pregnant he won't be at least a little confused.
and i think he will be even more confused when it pops out looking like Quasi Modo...
I'm 22 - and evidently losing my ability to attract tools with every passing year!
Priceless!! LOL! I'm 24 myself, soon to be 25 and for once being thankful that I'm getting older!
Seriously, if the guy was such a hottie--even at 56--he'd have no trouble finding some horny woman to climb into bed with him, possibly even a younger woman...methinks he must be fugly.
*delurks*
"Many of my physical traits are influenced by recessive genes. Therefore, it is most likely that the child would resemble the mother in most instances"
Um, recessive genes =/= a baby that resembles mommy. Putz.
I say that vasectomy can't come quickly enough.
(Keep up the good work, Weasel!)
I'm 38 and I don't look my age--in fact, two years ago when I started my most recent job everyone was horrified to find out how old I am (older than most of them!) because they'd thought I was fresh out of high school (and had been treating me like a dumb high schooler as a result ^^). So, I certainly look as though I fall within his acceptable age range... is he going to check the ID of the future mothers of his defective children?
If not, I might have to try to get close and give our friend Gary an early vasectomy.
He's posted 18 to 25 but I suspect his target is much younger. There are some teens who want to have babies because they think its cool. The genetics thing would be appealing to someone who has confused a baby on the hip with accessories.
Just how is this guy's sperm supposed to help me have my husband's baby?
Behooved... Wow, I've been reading Fugly, Food for Founder, The Jumping Percheron, bad_riding LJ... THOSE are behooved.
Ick. Unless the guy can PROVE he looks like AND has the genetics of Sean Connery or maaaaaaybe Harrison Ford....
As a product of a 58 year old guy I have to say having an 'elderly' dad sucked. He retired when I was 8 and ruined my fun excursions of going into Boston with my mom for lunch and other fun things...
My mother was 20 years younger than him and I was the youngest of their four children. He wanted more... she shut him off... "here hunny, you have an appointment to go see the doctor"... hahahahaha
Anyways he ended up outliving my mom. She died at 69 and he passed away at 94.
So what I want to know is, what is to stop a woman from slapping his name on the kid's birth certificate and grabbing for child support? What an idiot...
"Acquiring recessive genes may sound appealing at first to a woman hoping to bear a child with a likeness similar to hers, but she may re-consider when she discovers that would also involve sexual intercourse with a thin-lipped and bald albino hemophiliac with a double-jointed forehead and fused eye sockets. Beauty might be only skin deep, but when you're fucking a nearsighted yard gnome with permanently flared nostrils, WWHM strongly suggests you first incorporate alcoholism into your own genetic traits."
pure genius, weasel. that's exactly what i was wondering when i heard "recessive genes"
What a douchebag!
"his erection rotating like a lawn sprinkler" ... Weasel you need to get paid for this blog! I practically spit peppermint tea on to the computer.
Like so many have already said, when I was 18 to 24 and then some, the last fucking thing I wanted was a baby in my belly. His chosen age range reminds me of that other guy, "Old Cock".
Is any of this shit real? I can't believe how stupid these men are!
"first word ... behoove" I loved, loved, loved it! Cracked-up! Thanks Weasel!
I should not be reading this in public. I´m pretty sure all the Ticos around me would think "THere´s a crazy American in the house, it might be contagious!" I´m just glad I´m all the way in Central America and nowhere NEAR this guy!
This ad is EXACTLY why I'm happy to meet all my impregnation needs by paying 700 bucks for a vial of primo, disease-free, frozen sperm donated by a 24-year-old.
Just out of curiosity(not really), how big a turn off is severe balding or the horse shoe pattern?
Is it a total deal breaker that nothing short of fame or fortune could compensate for? How does it compare to a guy say missing a tooth, being short, or being fat?
Is a hair transplant money well spent for a 30 year old guy?
Baldness is not a turnoff for everyone. I can only speak for myself but if a guy is taking care of himself in general (hygiene being number one), his hair (or lack thereof) is a non-issue.
However, self-confidence is definitely an issue, and if you are unable to feel that without hair, then perhaps the plugs would be a good investment for you.
Baldybald: Baldness is only a turn off for some women...the rest of us choose men for what's going on inside their head rather than what's growing on top of it. My hubby is in his late 20s, has been slowly going bald since his teens (poor guy, he's pretty self conscious about it), and shaves his head to make it less noticeable since his hairline is now about even with his ears. I think he's freaking HOT and his lack of hair never bothered me. Oh, I tried to get it to bother me...I was dating another man at the time and didn't want to be attracted to this amazing, sweet, funny guy. The ex was a musician, sweet, and has a gorgeous head of dark curly hair that I'd play with for hours...but my baldy won me over and he wasn't even trying.
Biggest turn-off with a bald guy: a comb-over or trying to hide it.
And as for the bald vs. short/fat/toothless...I'd take bald first, but I tend to find tall, lean men very attractive and I like a nice smile...but everyone has different ideas of "attractive"
So, being a guy, I suppose I should somehow be offended by the vivid psuedo-sexist snidery at work on your site.
But, I'm too busy laughing.
Lawnsprinkler? That's hilarious.
You are absolutely hilarious. Funny men are so sexy.
Oh wow, I just blurted, "I hate men" when I read this post. And I don't even hate men! Just fucking stupid asshole playa opportunistic bastard men.
Weasel. You kill me. Lawnsprinklers...wow. As someone who falls within the 18-24 year old range, I can safely say that if for some reason I decided I wanted a child (not freaking likely!), and I didn't want to go to a sperm bank, I'm fairly certain I could find someone in my own age group...now maybe his sperm wouldn't be as fantastic as this guy's but somehow I think I'd survive...
Treatment for fertility can also be quite expensive, and insurance often does not cover these expenses...Pharmacy No Prescription
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Wow, he's 56 and does not have woman that he can knock up? Ofd course he does not undertand the reason for this. I have a feeling that the folks who asked for his sperm were desperate, then changed their names after they moved to another country.
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