Looking for a fun date 28m
I'm looking for a beautiful woman to accompany me to dinner. Hopefully you are interesting and appreciate my sense of humor. Honestly, I want to get laid of course so you must be the sexual type.
Long term is possible. I am an avid rock climber and enjoy water skiing and hope to compete next year at XXXXXXXXXX. I hope you might enjoy these things but once again I want have sex so please keep that in mind. If you aren't horny than please don't waste my time.
Today the Weasel will channel Matt's ad to teach women to truly understand and appreciate the overwhelming power of Sperm.
I don't think women spend much time thinking about Sperm. Sure, they know it's something they have to chisel off their ribcage in the morning with a fingernail. They know it tastes like something that leaked out of a helicopter gearbox, and the nuanced flavor tends to haunt their mouth like a Tide-flavored poltergeist. Most importantly, they at least know not to let Sperm around their free-range eggs when nature calls for the cock of a tattooed fry cook born with webbed flippers and some type of fucking bird beak on his forehead.
To men however, Sperm is a version of God. Just take away the powers of fire, lightning and locusts, and replace them with the Power of Pillowstaining, the Power of Bleach, and a wide array of refreshingly original freestyle swimming strokes.
What women don't know is that Sperm makes guys do stupid fucking shit. Ask any guy the stupidest fucking thing he's ever done, and undoubtedly that act will lead directly back to Sperm. Confront Sperm with the evidence, and He'll just sit there whistling and shrugging His shoulders, as if He actually had shoulders. We, as men, must take full responsibility for Sperm's actions. Because without Sperm, we are weak. We are pasty little lambs frightened of our shadows and the wind created by passing flies.
Matt's ad is a perfect example of the power of Sperm. I'm sure Matt's actually a great guy and not as self-centered as his ad appears. So let's take a closer look at what actually transpired:
Matt: "I'm looking for a beautiful woman to to accompany to dinner......".
Sperm: "YOU WILL WRITE 'I HONESTLY WANT TO GET LAID'."
Matt: "I don't know Sperm, I think that's just a little forward and some women might construe it as........."
Sperm "YOU WILL DO IT NOW!"
Matt: Yes sir.
Five minutes later:
Matt: "Long term is possible. I am an avid..........."
Sperm: "YOU WILL WRITE 'IF YOU'RE NOT HORNY DON'T WASTE MY TIME!"
Matt: "Now come on Sperm. I will have zero chance of .... .... . "
Sperm: "YOU WILL DO IT NOW OR I WILL SHRINK YOUR FUCKING SACK AND COAT YOUR FUCKING FACE WITH ACNE!"
Matt: Yes, sir.
As you can see, Matt is simply a worthless pawn in Sperm's game. And the problem is Sperm simply has no game with women.
So how, you ask, do you release a man from Sperm's grip? You must release the Sperm, and if you don't know how to do that yet, you need to visit a Bakersfield biker bar at 1 am with an edible thong, five tabs of ecstasy and a three-ply dental dam.
For after a man ejaculates he is finally a man of his own devices for five minutes, a man with no Sperm. And as you'll immediately discover, a man powered simply by his own devices is a weak, whining little worthless bitch who doesn't want you to touch him and just wants to sleep in the fetal position. So what is a woman to do?
Nothing. You're totally, completely fucked.
(Thankfully, we don't have to listen to the endless confusing ministrations and 577 languages of Vagina. That thing has more opinions than fucking CitySearch. I'm surprised women don't just walk around in circles clucking like a goddamn chicken.)