Monday, January 26, 2009

Disguised

I need a meaningful relationship... 53/m

I really want a relationship, but I need to find out why a woman justs wants to have sex with me and nothing else. I mean they're all willing to come over for sex, but anything else is out of the question. They just want sex and all I want is a meaningful relationship. Is it too much to ask?

Is it about my manhood?
I have such a great package, and what I do with it is even more interesting.


Maybe it is my amazing oral abilities that scares them?
My tongue is a normal length, but the softness, and the way I flatten it out, and how I move it makes even my lesbian ex's miss me.

Maybe they can't handle all the gushing orgasms?
I know women like it when I move that slow dance I move. For some reason that move I do makes things very very messy...But in a good way. In a way that makes them wonder what the HELL just happened to me? I've never done that before! Maybe it's because I know how to make woman just explode everywhere. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Oh well, still if there are any of you woman out there that want to help me figure out what's wrong with me, you know what to do... I just want to be in loving relationship with a good woman. Seth

For his next trick, Seth will place his balls in a teacup and tell you it's fucking won-ton soup.

In a brilliant move, Seth has attempted to ingeniously disguise his personal ad seeking sex as a genuine plea for a meaningful relationship. Yeah, that works out pretty well for you Seth. As an encore, I'm going to tape two bee wings to a horse and tell everyone it's a fucking canary. Your ad doesn't fly Seth, but it certainly attracts flies.

It attracts flies because your personal ad is nothing but a shit sandwich. Your false pleas for a relationship at both ends of your personal ad merely symbolize the slices of softened bread which you desperately hope to crisp in the nearest woman's cock toaster. And betwixt these flaccid and flimsy slices of bread, you present an unbelievable layer of shit, bespeckled only by the hollowed kernels of corn that symbolize your empty lies. Let's have a chew on some of those peanuts of truth, shall we?

"My tongue is a normal length, but the softness, and the way I flatten it out, and how I move it makes even my lesbian ex's miss me."

You weakly attempt to make a preposterous point that you eat pussy better than a lesbian. But even the pea-sized hypothalamus of a teenage barn snake could extract the deeper meaning within- the interesting fact that more than one of your exes is now a lesbian. Coincidence? I think not. Perhaps your penis fulfills a prescription for Sominex, yet cannot fulfill a woman- understandable when an intial penetration feels like inserting a quartered snack carrot through the St. Louis arch. And perhaps one might equivocate your oral technique to that of an elderly woman tongue-suckling the juice off the nubbin of a moistened pickle at a senior home gherkin expo.

"Maybe it's because I know how to make woman just explode everywhere. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."

I know three things that make women explode everywhere; cheating men, unripe green apples with skin, and food poisoning. I don't know which method you use, but my ex-girlfriend read your ad and immediately stated her preference for fucking a punchbowl of E coli.

"I know women like it when I move that slow dance I move."

At 53 years-old I assume you employ some type of ancient Viagra-fueled Lawrence Welk penis polka set to the pleasant musical fumblings of Dick Sitka and His All-Harpsichord Quartet. "Sweatin' to the Oldies" was a Richard Simmons workout tape, not a fantasy theme for desperate women.

What's wrong with you Seth?

You're an ass of the highest order, a false and embellishing braggart humiliating himself in the name of a piece of ass for which you will never have a taste. Enjoy meandering through the fog of your scripted sexual past, because when you come to the clearing that is reality, the crisp and cool air of truth shalt emerge:

If you were that good in bed, you wouldn't be wasting your days dreaming up wayward schoolboy sexual scenarios for a desperate and delusional personal ad.

53 comments:

Eccentric_Lady said...

ROFLMAO

"As an encore, I'm going to tape two bee wings to a horse and tell everyone it's a fucking canary."

Nice send up to the FHOTD crowd too I think! I love that line...

I read that blog a lot too. )

RebelJubilee said...

>>but I need to find out why a woman justs wants to have sex with me and nothing else.<<

I can't figure out where he got that idea. The last time he saw a vagina was probably when Gerald Ford was president...

RebelJubilee said...

And a great post, Weasel. (forgot to add that before I hit the publish button)

Weasel said...

Thanks Rebel!! :)

Bea said...

...can't..stop..laughing..."Sweatin to the Oldies"....too much!

n said...

Hey funny stuff! Would you be interested in featuring this article on a comedy site? Let me know

spillyourself@gmail.com

Brandy said...

Ahhh, guys.

"I gots a twig and berries, whut else duz a laydee need to know bout me?"

I think you missed the boat, there, buddy! Have you ever said NO to one of these laydeez when they want to hop in the sack? Then you aren't ready to have a real relationship!

And if you can't see that when a woman says NO to sex, it's not a challenge, but perhaps a desire to get to know the things in your head, and under your skin, not just under your unders, you're not ready to have a real relationship!

Enjoy all this free sex, real or imagined, now, because even real relationships aren't constant bedroom friction and horizontal mamba!

Love the Hulk-colored ad, Weasel! Purty! And your wordings are goodly, too!

Persnickety Ticker said...

After all the food references in this I was wondering if you were hungry when you wrote it? And then I thought...mmmm...wonton soup...

What can I say. Short attention span.

Love this post Weasel!

.ae. said...

With that lighting, he looks like the Really Really Unincredible Hulk.

dressage_nut said...

This "Seth" oddly remindes me of Demitri (sp?). I wonder if he is now using yet another alias???!!!

slwtwist said...

"... an elderly woman tongue-suckling the juice off the nubbin of a moistened pickle at a senior home gherkin expo."

OMG. I just snorted beer out my nose. Ouch. And somehow I get the feeling a gherkin expo is an apt description of what's Seth keeps girded in his lonely loins. Long may they stay lonely!!!

ranearia said...

"I just want to be in loving relationship with a good woman. Seth"

I "love" the ending, after all the crap he threw around in his ad. He leaves with a hopeful note as everyone gets they're boots out cause the crap in this ad was bad

robyn said...

Oh for God's sake.. where in the HELL is that "rolleyes" emote?!

Thingsthatperplexme said...

Does the Gherkin sucker have dentures instead of real teeth? There's a market for that...


ROFL.

P.S. The wonton soup comment had me nearly crying I was laughing so hard.

Jen Shizuka said...

robyn, I use 9_9 for rolleyes in ASCII if that helps.

Weasel, as always you are the very best sort of observational-comedy genius. WIN.

Anonymous said...

"...Lawrence Welk penis polka...."

Love it! Thanks, Weasel - you never fail to make me laugh.

Tribblehappy said...

even my lesbian ex's miss me.

I hate nothing quite as much as I hate the miss use of apostrophes.

An apostrophe is not a "Look out! S coming!" symbol.

So, the question is, his lesbian ex's what? I'm guessing his lesbian ex's cat?

lamexicanita86 said...

His pleas for sex are pathetically transparent. And as if the text of his ad weren't bad enough, he adds a portrait of his hairy, skinny chest, meatless thighs, and meager package in what looks like a ladies' thong from the clearance rack at Victoria's Secret.

Sorry Seth, you're a loser.

Weasel said...

Tribble I'm with you on that one. I hate it, but I'm a fucking offender myself. There is an entire blog somewhere, a very popular one, focused solely on misplaced apostrophes. Don't remember the name.

Sharon, The Queen Blogger said...

Do you think the washing machine in the background is meant as bait? Like he'll do your laundry or something? Or, did he just throw a load in and take a picture in his girl panties?

Oh ... and Weasel ... you're the best!

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

>>If you were that good in bed, you wouldn't be wasting your days dreaming up wayward schoolboy sexual scenarios for a desperate and delusional personal ad.<<

BINGO!

Every time I read an ad like this, I roll my eyes. If you're THAT good, you have exes who will F you even if you're the biggest asshole on the face of the Earth. So you do not EVER need to advertise. Period.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

And how did I forget:

OMG THE CHEESY UNDIES!!! WTF are those, underoos? You're 53! Grow up and wear grown-up underwear!

Anonymous said...

I think he's wearing womens underwear in that picture...

EveryoneThinksThey'reGoodDrivers said...

OMG LOL - thanks the morning laugh! Now to clean up the coffee...

Kim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
SassyAssy said...

I think this is actually "Wes" one of my exes. It reads like his life. All tongue and no cock. I agree with your ex-girlfriend...give me a punchbowl of e coli any day.

RebelJubilee said...

>>meager package in what looks like a ladies' thong from the clearance rack at Victoria's Secret.<<

I thought it looked like a pair of womens' panties, though I'm inclined to think VS string bikini rather than the thong...

Anonymous said...

On apostrophes: Bob the Angry Flower

http://www.angryflower.com/aposter.html

robyn said...

heh heh... 9_9

Thanks, Jen.

Walk On said...

"At 53 years-old I assume you employ some type of ancient Viagra-fueled Lawrence Welk penis polka set to the pleasant musical fumblings of Dick Sitka and His All-Harpsichord Quartet. "Sweatin' to the Oldies" was a Richard Simmons workout tape, not a fantasy theme for desperate women."

Holy crap Weasel...you are the king of wordsmiths! That just needs to be like embrodered or engraved on a wall hanging somewhere. :D

Anonymous said...

Weas, that site you're thinking of is either www.apostropheabuse.com or www.apostrophism.com.

Hyena Overlord said...

Great commentary as usual. Althogh, I can never eat gherkins again.

Nosnikta said...

CORN AND PEANUTS ROFLMAO!!!!

Omg HA HA HA HA HA!

I've missed you! Lots of things going on here and I am just getting back to WWHM!

Too fucking funny!

CutNJump said...

Weasel, you are a brilliant man! If I wasn't already married...

I would still be single because of all the worthless turds featured here!

Fugly- if he was wearing grown up undies, suitable for his age- they would be Depends! And he would probably want one of US to change them! Eeeeeewww!

CCH said...

lol, I've been to the birthplace of Lawrence Welk.

Knowing how some old guys around here are aobut Welk, made it that much better for me.

http://coloredcuttinghorses.blogspot.com/

Weasel said...

Yep, thats it ANON, thank you.

Good to see some of you regulars back here posting. I can always tell when people are MIA.

Anonymous said...

"My tongue is a normal length, but the softness, and the way I flatten it out, and how I move it makes even my lesbian ex's miss me."
^ that gave me nightmares last night, no lie. i was in an endless line of lesbians that i had to service with a flat tongue.

HillBill said...

I don't get it. He claims that women only want him for sex, not a relationship and then his reasoning is, "Maybe they can't handle all the gushing orgasms?" Um, I don't remember all the logical fallacies but non sequitur anyone?

erbn said...

I'm still unsure as to what exactly is occurring in this photo. Is he actually emerging, Zuul-like, from an I. Shandor designed apartment's fridge? His awkward posture and poor social/sexual judgment could easily be explained by demonic, otherworldly possession.

He's Vinz Clortho, Keymaster of Gozer! His arrival is a harbinger of the apocalypse, and an assured roasting in the depths of the Sloar!

The only way to ensure our survival is to keep him away from all potential Gate-keepers, by locking him in one of those older fridge models, the sort that trapped and suffocated the youth of the 1960's.

Nosnikta said...

I once made out with Lawrence Welk's nephew. Omg, that boy had NO idea what to do with a nipple. It was all I could do not to wimper in pain. I do believe he was the founder of the term "titty twister".

It was in college and he was very cute, so I was afraid to say anything because of my naive shyness! I couldn't wait to get out of there!

schammieschammie said...

I'm so glad to be able to get back to the office to read WWHM!! (No power or phone at home since Tuesday am, and probably not for weeks.) Hilairious posts, Weasel!! First time I've laughed in days!! Thank you!

ginmar said...

Oh, God, I KNOW somebody named Seth. I'm traumatized!

Sweet said...

You fucking kill me. God, did I laugh.

Anonymous said...

I hate nothing quite as much as I hate the miss use[sic] of apostrophes.

Except maybe when people who are correcting the grammar of others fail to properly check the spelling and/or grammar of their own comments. :-)

Anonymous said...

HULK NEEDY. HULK DESCRIBE VIRILITY OF HIS TONGUE.

N-HANZ said...

N-HANZ.COM
UP YOURS NOW!

Anonymous said...

"I know three things that make women explode everywhere; cheating men, unripe green apples with skin, and food poisoning. I don't know which method you use, but my ex-girlfriend read your ad and immediately stated her preference for fucking a punchbowl of E coli."

OMG what a coincidence I would also rather screw E coli than this turd!

casualencounters.com/blog said...

Pics or he has a peanutdick.

Wesley Sniper said...

God. Damn.

cold but merited. what horridly pubescent bowl-sheet.

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