Disguised

I need a meaningful relationship... 53/m

I really want a relationship, but I need to find out why a woman justs wants to have sex with me and nothing else. I mean they're all willing to come over for sex, but anything else is out of the question. They just want sex and all I want is a meaningful relationship. Is it too much to ask?

Is it about my manhood?
I have such a great package, and what I do with it is even more interesting.


Maybe it is my amazing oral abilities that scares them?
My tongue is a normal length, but the softness, and the way I flatten it out, and how I move it makes even my lesbian ex's miss me.

Maybe they can't handle all the gushing orgasms?
I know women like it when I move that slow dance I move. For some reason that move I do makes things very very messy...But in a good way. In a way that makes them wonder what the HELL just happened to me? I've never done that before! Maybe it's because I know how to make woman just explode everywhere. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

Oh well, still if there are any of you woman out there that want to help me figure out what's wrong with me, you know what to do... I just want to be in loving relationship with a good woman. Seth

For his next trick, Seth will place his balls in a teacup and tell you it's fucking won-ton soup.

In a brilliant move, Seth has attempted to ingeniously disguise his personal ad seeking sex as a genuine plea for a meaningful relationship. Yeah, that works out pretty well for you Seth. As an encore, I'm going to tape two bee wings to a horse and tell everyone it's a fucking canary. Your ad doesn't fly Seth, but it certainly attracts flies.

It attracts flies because your personal ad is nothing but a shit sandwich. Your false pleas for a relationship at both ends of your personal ad merely symbolize the slices of softened bread which you desperately hope to crisp in the nearest woman's cock toaster. And betwixt these flaccid and flimsy slices of bread, you present an unbelievable layer of shit, bespeckled only by the hollowed kernels of corn that symbolize your empty lies. Let's have a chew on some of those peanuts of truth, shall we?

"My tongue is a normal length, but the softness, and the way I flatten it out, and how I move it makes even my lesbian ex's miss me."

You weakly attempt to make a preposterous point that you eat pussy better than a lesbian. But even the pea-sized hypothalamus of a teenage barn snake could extract the deeper meaning within- the interesting fact that more than one of your exes is now a lesbian. Coincidence? I think not. Perhaps your penis fulfills a prescription for Sominex, yet cannot fulfill a woman- understandable when an intial penetration feels like inserting a quartered snack carrot through the St. Louis arch. And perhaps one might equivocate your oral technique to that of an elderly woman tongue-suckling the juice off the nubbin of a moistened pickle at a senior home gherkin expo.

"Maybe it's because I know how to make woman just explode everywhere. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about."

I know three things that make women explode everywhere; cheating men, unripe green apples with skin, and food poisoning. I don't know which method you use, but my ex-girlfriend read your ad and immediately stated her preference for fucking a punchbowl of E coli.

"I know women like it when I move that slow dance I move."

At 53 years-old I assume you employ some type of ancient Viagra-fueled Lawrence Welk penis polka set to the pleasant musical fumblings of Dick Sitka and His All-Harpsichord Quartet. "Sweatin' to the Oldies" was a Richard Simmons workout tape, not a fantasy theme for desperate women.

What's wrong with you Seth?

You're an ass of the highest order, a false and embellishing braggart humiliating himself in the name of a piece of ass for which you will never have a taste. Enjoy meandering through the fog of your scripted sexual past, because when you come to the clearing that is reality, the crisp and cool air of truth shalt emerge:

If you were that good in bed, you wouldn't be wasting your days dreaming up wayward schoolboy sexual scenarios for a desperate and delusional personal ad.